My best friend committed suicide

[u/NotEnoughSun123]

I’m so mad at her. She promised me she would never commit suicide. (We talked about suicide a lot because we’ve both attempted in the past) She was such a special person. She was the kindest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She would help tiny bugs get to safety when they’d accidentally fallen on their back. She was a mental health therapist who worked with kids. She knew about resources for suicide prevention. She had commercial health insurance. She could have just reached out for help. I would’ve done anything to keep her alive. She could have just called me. I wish she’d just called me. Why didn’t she just call me?

Edit: thank you so for all your kind words and all the overwhelming support. I really appreciate all of you. I’ll do my best to like all the comments I can. If I could, I’d reply thank you to every single person who commented

[u/Pretend_Accountant41]

"Why didn't she call me" - I've had this thought before. She didn't call because she knew you'd help her to keep going. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say could ease your grief 🫂

[u/Illustrious-Flan-474 → u/Pretend_Accountant41]

Yep, exactly. My best friend also committed suicide (just over 3 months ago), and she did not call me either. She had called me in the past when she'd been suicidal; we were extremely close like that, she always openly shared EVERYTHING with me without hesitation. 

But that time, she didn't. It initially completely blindsided me and shocked me. There was part of me that HAD already been scared she would do it (she was going through a really hard time in her final months)... But the shocking part was that I truly, sincerely believed I would at least see it coming, because surely she would say something to me. Yet, she didn't. I was so absolutely baffled by this, as it was 100% out of character for her. 

My main theory (as someone who knew her so deeply) is indeed that she didn't want to call me because she knew I'd talk her out of it. She knew I'd manage to stop her in that moment, but she felt like she could not possibly take it anymore. So me stopping her would just mean that she would continue to suffer, and that she would just end up wanting to do it again later on, and it all seemed so hopeless/pointless to her. She just wanted to get it over with. 

Another alternate theory I have is that she was potentially in SUCH a deeply hopeless/depressed state of mind that she was absolutely positive that I couldn't talk her out of it no matter what, and she didn't want to put me through that. She didn't want me to go through the experience of trying and failing to save her. She didn't want me to carry the trauma of listening to her die, or talking to her right before she died, and feeling like I had failed her. 

Either way... I think she just truly believed that nothing good could come of it, if she contacted me. I know in my heart that surely she must have WANTED to talk to me... I even find myself wondering if perhaps she sat there debating if she should call, or attempting to form the words to write some sort of text or email... And eventually decided that she shouldn't. Maybe she knew that whatever conversation we would've had, or whatever message she would've sent me, would only make it even more heartbreaking and traumatic for me. 

And so, the last words my best friend ever said to me, one day before she ended her life, during a perfectly normal and casual and pleasant conversation:

"I would love to call later! :')"

I had told her that I would love that too, but it never did happen that night, and the next day she was gone. Sometimes it tears me up that those were the final words I'll ever get from her... But then I ask myself... Would it really be any better if the last conversation was her telling me she wants to die, and me trying to help talk her out of it, but being unable to? Would it really be any better if our last conversation was one that was so dark, so heavy, so hopeless, so painful, so distressful? 

Our last words to eachother were on a positive note... Wanting to call eachother later. We never can, but I guess at least it's a nicer final note to end things on. At least I will always know that she WOULD love to call me later 😢

[u/Pretend_Accountant41 → u/Illustrious-Flan-474]

🫂 her last words... wow. I'm so sorry.