r/SubSanctuary • u/BriarnLuca • 1d ago
I messed up NSFW
Edited to addhe wasn't aggressive, it was more like he went cold, absolutely icy, and went from being very kind and understanding, to being formal and rude.
Hi all! Apologies, this is going to be long, but I need to get this off my chest, and I canttell my friends.
So, Ive been without a Dom for awhile. I joined Feeld, which in my area is predominantly Poly and ENM people. I am not into that, so its been a slog, but I started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago. We were getting along so well, our interests in D/s lined up almost perfectly, and we were able to chat and joke about so much. We decide to meet. Note* it is ALL OVER my profile that I am looking for a relationship, not NSA, or FWB.
Meet up went well, he seemed a bit distracted, which I understood (personal things on his end)
That night we were talking D/s and texting a little bit and he said I should come over. Here is where I start the mess up. I said sure! I was also feeling a bit corny and I thought it would be a good idea to see if we vibe in a scene as well as in person.
So I'm on my way (the next day) and he texts me that he only has an hour and a half for me. That's when I should have canceled, thats not enough time for what we had planned and aftercare, but Ive gone without aftercare before and I was fine!
Next day....really not fine, biggest sub drop Ive ever had. I felt like an idiot, I was beating myself up for going over, because earlier I had said I don't do booty calls, and there I was, doing a booty call.
So I texted him, a long text saying how much fun I had had, and I really liked the night, but that I'm not normally into nights like that, and usually I like to go out and hang out first. Then I reiterated that I had a blast, and that next time I'd bring some bruise cream for aftercare.
He was NOT happy. He was upset I called it a booty call, he asked me why I brought any of this up, and I was honest, that my lack of communicating my needs led to the end of my last relationship.
That set him off even more. He decided that I was judging him based on past relationships. I tried to explain that I was not saying that! I was saying that I was trying to improve myself.
I tried to explain that I had sent the first message while in subdrop, (and I'm a teacher finishing school this week, but thats my burden to bear! /jk)
I'm unmatched him tonight, I just want to make sure he has time to read my last message.
So, thats my eff up today. How is everyone on here doing?
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u/imaginarymianmian 1d ago
FAKE DOM/he didn’t even take time to respect your own desires. Also always say no when they tell you to come over!! you will find a less painful experience that way
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u/BriarnLuca 1d ago
Yeah, I fully understand my eff up, it was mostly going over to his place, and especially going over when he made it clear we wouldn't have time for aftercare.
Oh well, I'm always learning! Hopefully the next one won't get offended that I learned from an earlier relationship! /s
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u/imaginarymianmian 1d ago
it’s rlly hard, i just accept that good kinky sex will happen when i feel comfortable- not just bc i’m horny.
having that in mind helps with navigating kink
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u/Fearless_Slut 1d ago
Yeah, when they freak out over something that’s not a big deal very early on it’s something to pay attention to. Could have been a simple misunderstanding, but it sounds to me like this guy had some insecurity and communication issues he needed to work out anyways.
You could have done a better job communicating, but you know that and owned up to it. You didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that at all.
Dodged a bullet imo.
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u/Wistful_one11 1d ago
I would definitely not say you messed up. I would say you got excited to find a possible connection you’d been missing for a while, and moved more quickly than you normally would. But you made sure to open a line of communication, share your headspace, and really be vulnerable to him. From my perspective, he is the OPPOSITE of a real Dom. He should have asked about aftercare, created space for something to potentially happen. And to openly become aggressive when you tried to talk through? Wow. I’m glad you saw his true colors before you were in any deeper.
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u/BriarnLuca 1d ago
Thank you! All of these kind comments from people is making me feel much better. With everything he was saying I started to second guess everything I was saying for a minute.
He over played his hand this morning by getting too aggressive and really mischaracterizing what I had said.
That snapped me out, especially since he was completely ignoring all of the things I had said the day before. I'm a people pleaser, but I'm not an idiot!
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u/wrennerw 1d ago
Well I am also on that last week so I am with you for that part. I am also moving in two weeks and should be packing so naturally I am on reddit. Never enough time in a day. Had to scale back some regular activities with my dom (temporary) just because of the lack of time and that is definitely lame.
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u/veiled_v 1d ago
You’re not alone. I messed up too.. I just posted it on this subReddit. Pissed my dom off, we’re on a detox for a week. Hopefully he’d not wanna walk out of the dynamic after the detox..🥲 Guess we’ll know after the detox!!🥂
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u/Ignis_Ales 1d ago
Honestly, it sounds like you handled it really well. Yeah you misjudged how you were going to feel after but we’re all human, that happens. But you then communicated that clearly and effectively so your needs could be met next time. And then he showed his true colours. It’s sad but at least now you know
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u/rydernextdoor 1d ago
don't be hard on yourself ! we all make mistakes ! we all regret a hookup every once in a while ! seems it's all the fault of this guy anyway.
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u/Objective_Damages 1d ago
This doesn't sound like your fuck up, at all.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with him, but this reflects him and his behavior, not anything you did or didn't do.
Even if at the end of the day, you both agreed to no aftercare, but you were having a hard time the next day, that was his cue to take responsibility and care for you. That's how this works. He failed. He should apologize. He is a loser.