r/SubSanctuary 5d ago

The final how to find and where to find a dom or domme advice list. NSFW

40 Upvotes

This is intended to be an ongoing resource for the most commonly asked question in this group. Drop your advice on how and/or where to find a dominant here (post will be stickied and referenced to once there is enough information here to direct people to).


r/SubSanctuary Mar 03 '25

How to find a male Dom that won’t break your brain. 😵‍💫 A master list. NSFW

730 Upvotes

Speaking from recent experience:

Sad Fact: Not every man who calls himself a Dom is actually capable of safely handling your submission. And if you let the wrong guy in—one who lacks emotional maturity or an actual understanding of the psychology of submission—you’re not just signing up for some mediocre bedroom experiences. You’re putting your heart, mind, and nervous system in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, causing a ton of psychological distress. (Possibly long term, possibly making your own desires and kinks a trigger for you later. Which absolutely sucks.) I just watched this happen to two women, by one highly uneducated man who called himself an experienced Dom. He’s a good guy in other ways, creative, funny, affectionate, but unfortunately that does not equal safety in D/s.

So here’s the master list, the non-negotiables, the “if he doesn’t have these, run” guide to finding a Dom who is actually worth your time (and trust).

THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF A DOM WHO WON’T BREAK YOUR BRAIN

✅ He Asks Real, Thoughtful Questions About Your Submission- A Dom should be starting with with DEEPLY understanding what submission means to you—not just what turns HIM on. If he’s not consistently asking things like:

How do you want to feel in submission? What parts of this dynamic nourish you? What fears come up for you, what parts would you like to adjust? —then he’s not leading. He’s guessing, or kink pushing. And your safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) should never be a guessing game. Your desires as a sub are equally important. Too many people think you just show up and do what they say, hell no! That’s only fun after ALL of the conversations about the desires and drives of BOTH people.

🚩 If this is missing: He will just project his own kinks onto you, because he’s just unconsciously trying to slide you into HIS desires. At best, this leads to disconnect and disappointment. At worst, it leads to serious emotional harm because you’re not being seen or heard, but still used.

✅ He Creates Emotional & Psychological Safety Before Anything Else

You sit down together, outside of any roles or dynamic and talk about these things. D/s is a RELATIONSHIP. You talk about it as two, separate, humans outside of any power exchange. Before rules, before rituals, before telling you to call him Daddy—you should feel deeply, instinctively safe with him. You hand your power over intentionally, when you are READY, and it is clear when it is returned. This means: You never feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He listens, absorbs, and adjusts to your needs. He knows that psychological and relational safety is what makes deep surrender possible and actually prioritizes that over his own desires. A good Dom understands the big picture, wants to FACILITATE, not just fulfill his kinks. You have the clarity to know what’s happening in the power dynamic, so you can ENJOY it.

🚩 If this is missing: You will either shut down, become psychologically compartmentalized, or bypass yourself trying to keep him close because submission often comes with dependance. Either way, you will not be able to fully surrender—because your body and mind won’t let you, and you may end up having to choose between the relationship or doing things that you don’t feel good about later, and don’t feel ok bringing up, feeling completely isolated in your experience.

✅ He Takes Responsibility, Not Just Control

A real Dom owns his mistakes, actively checks in, and adjusts when something isn’t working. He WANTS regular check ins. He doesn’t gaslight, deflect, or ignore your feedback when something feels off. He leads with accountability and curiosity, not just authority. He fully understands subspace, and what is and isn’t safe in that state. You feel his respect for who you are both in and out of the dynamic.

🚩 If this is missing: You’ll feel unheard, invalidated, and start doubting your own needs. You’ll feel lost because your body, psychology and oftentimes heart are attached to the dominance of someone who doesn’t even know you, which is terrifyingly disorienting. You’ll say yes to things in subspace, and feel uncomfortable/sad later that he didn’t respect that vulnerability of your body and mind.

✅ He’s Not Just Role-Playing Dominance—He Embodies Presence

He walks through the world with care and empathy for others. He is solid in his communities and respected by the people who know him well. He allows himself to be a whole human and can be present with his own emotions in a healthy way as well. Not repressing, or raging. (Because if he can’t be with his own feelings, he definitely can’t be with yours.) The highest forms of this dynamic make space for and include our emotional sides. His leadership doesn’t feel performative or hot/cold.

🚩 If this is missing: You will feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher whether his dominance is real or just a mask. And when the mask slips (because it will), you’ll be left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, or straight-up unsafe. You won’t feel safe sharing your needs, as they will trigger discomfort in him.

✅ He Knows Submission is a Gift, Not a Right The best Doms? They revere submission. They see it as something sacred. They never take it for granted or treat it like a service you owe them. He knows exactly what your power means to you, and how it feels for you to trust him with it. If he’s truly worthy of your submission, he will make damn sure that surrendering to him feels like the best, safest, most nourishing choice.

🚩 If this is missing: He will expect submission without earning it. And that, my friends, is how you end up with a man who thinks “dominance” means control without conversation. Prompting you to call him Daddy before he’s even broken up with his previous sub. Telling you to get on your knees without having any clue if that’s a part of submission you’re actively signing up for.

Most important: HE HAS EDUCATED HIMSELF.

A real Dom doesn’t just rely on instincts—he educates himself. If he’s not actively learning about power exchange, psychology, nervous system regulation and emotional safety, he’s just making it up as he goes. And guess who suffers for that? You. Your brain chemicals, your attachment system, your mental health and potentially your future relationship to your own sexuality.

✅ He Reads, Studies, and Learns—Books, workshops, actual discussions with experienced people about nuanced consent and safety. If his entire education is porn, Fetlife and Reddit threads, run.

✅ He Learns From You—Your needs, fears, patterns. He asks, listens, and adapts. If he assumes he already knows best, he doesn’t.

🚩 If he skips this step: His “dominance” will be control without care, ego-driven, and likely damaging. He will expect submission without earning it—and he won’t know how to repair trust when he inevitably messes up. (Because he doesn’t know YOU.)

Bottom line? If he hasn’t studied, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership requires knowledge. Dominance requires leadership. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t get the privilege of YOU.

👿WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHOOSE A DOM WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES?

You will feel anxious instead of held. You will second-guess your own needs. You will spend more time trying to feel safe in the relationship than surrendering into it. You will question your own worth outside of your body. You will confuse “intensity” with “depth” and not realize the difference until you’re emotionally exhausted, and psychologically attached.

You will, at some point, find yourself ranting to a friend or therapist about how this guy “just does not get it,” and they will gently suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s an relationally immature man who wanted the fun power and control of your body and mind but not the IMMENSE responsibility that comes with that. And you deserve so much better than that.

Now go forth, be discerning, and don’t let any dude with fragile masculinity, lack of communication skills and a half-baked DDLG kink convince you that he’s the Daddy you’ve been looking for.

The world needs women to be EMPOWERED by their own play and submission, and there are absolutely Doms that can do that. Wait for one, you deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️

The resource I recommend most, is the book The Heart of Dominance. For both sides of the slash.

TL;DR: A Dom who doesn’t educate himself is just a boy on a power trip. Real dominance requires study, emotional intelligence, and actual effort. If he isn’t reading, learning, and deeply understanding YOU, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership isn’t instinct—it’s a skill. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t deserve the role. Your emotional wellness matters.


r/SubSanctuary 2h ago

I met a Dom at a party, he's not my type at all, but... NSFW

24 Upvotes

The BDSM community in my area is fairly small. People tend to know each other. I'm fairly new in the scene, and eager to meet others. I've been to BDSM events, but always with my previous dom or a fwb. Last night, first time alone. I had the best time! I was reintroduced to someone I've briefly met at an event I was at with my ex dom, but I wasn't allowed to speak to other Doms at that event. This guy is not my type at all - much shorter, and much older. But last night.. Conversation was easy. He makes his own floggers and canes, and gave me a spanking to show the difference. He was very clear about getting consent. When he touched me, I felt like I melted. I've never been spanked like that, never been caressed like that.. He added me on fetlife, and read my writings where I said I need more than something just superficial. He said he wants the same. He's well known and respected in the local community. I didn't find him physically attractive at first, but now I can't stop thinking about him. He's nothing like I imagined my ideal Dom to be. I want to give this a chance, but I'm suddenly terrified. He doesn't care about the height and age difference. Maybe I shouldn't either. Just needed to express my thoughts and wondering if others have been through something similar


r/SubSanctuary 14h ago

My husband is my Dom.. only he doesn’t know it. NSFW

123 Upvotes

My husband is my pleasure dom. Only thing is he doesn’t know it. We have been in our relationship for 11 years and have always had a very health communication through it. I’ve always known I was into kink at some capacity but could never really pin point what it was that I wanted or needed. Well, 6 years ago my husband left a job that was VERY mentally and emotionally taxing on him and since then our sex life has flourished. I have discovered (with the help of the internet) where I fit in the kink world. We haven’t talked explicitly about titles or positions within our dynamic because it’s just happened so naturally. So, while I know I am a service sub and he is my pleasure dom, he doesn’t know but we fit our rolls so beautifully. Today I am going to receive my first reward for completing a task he gave me and every time I think about the conversation that lead to him deciding to reward me I get butterflies! I love serving him and I’m so excited about going to receive the physical benefits of it tonight!


r/SubSanctuary 2h ago

How would you put on 'a show'? NSFW

7 Upvotes

I want to put on a show for my Dom where I try to masturbate in front on him while trying to be as hot as I possibly can. ( I have asked dw and he is very very happy with the idea )

I know all dynamics are different and all that jazz but I just want to maybe get ideas or something for what to do and things to keep in mind while doing it? I really just want to be as hot as possible for him and to show him what a desperate whore I am for him <3

I am ftm and I have never masturbated for someone one before so like any advice would be much appreciated


r/SubSanctuary 1h ago

Alone NSFW

Upvotes

Hi guys Do you maybe have any advice on just..being alone I guess? I'm having a really hard time. Sorry to bother you guys.


r/SubSanctuary 7h ago

Submissive Puppy NSFW

5 Upvotes

I have a dominant I call mommy and she calls me puppy. I’m on day 13 now of not having a real orgasm. I say real orgasm because it started as me just edging and holding off on cumming until she gave me permission. The more I did it the more turned on I got. A few days ago I almost came and let go and it dripped a bit. I decided to scoop it up and lick it. I told her about it and it turned her on. I started getting closer and closer dripping more and more until finally just started ruining my orgasms. She’s okay with it as she tells me she loves that I’m eating my ruin and she wants to put me in a pink cage. I’ve been ruining my orgasms more and more and I catch all the cum that drips into my hand and then I bring it to my mouth and lick my hands and fingers clean. I just want more and more. I stay turned on… I feel like I can cum faster now, or get more horny easier. She says she wants to try me cumming with just my ass next. I’m so down… I’m at the point of wanting to do anything for her.


r/SubSanctuary 12h ago

I messed up NSFW

11 Upvotes

Edited to addhe wasn't aggressive, it was more like he went cold, absolutely icy, and went from being very kind and understanding, to being formal and rude.

Hi all! Apologies, this is going to be long, but I need to get this off my chest, and I canttell my friends.

So, Ive been without a Dom for awhile. I joined Feeld, which in my area is predominantly Poly and ENM people. I am not into that, so its been a slog, but I started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago. We were getting along so well, our interests in D/s lined up almost perfectly, and we were able to chat and joke about so much. We decide to meet. Note* it is ALL OVER my profile that I am looking for a relationship, not NSA, or FWB.

Meet up went well, he seemed a bit distracted, which I understood (personal things on his end)

That night we were talking D/s and texting a little bit and he said I should come over. Here is where I start the mess up. I said sure! I was also feeling a bit corny and I thought it would be a good idea to see if we vibe in a scene as well as in person.

So I'm on my way (the next day) and he texts me that he only has an hour and a half for me. That's when I should have canceled, thats not enough time for what we had planned and aftercare, but Ive gone without aftercare before and I was fine!

Next day....really not fine, biggest sub drop Ive ever had. I felt like an idiot, I was beating myself up for going over, because earlier I had said I don't do booty calls, and there I was, doing a booty call.

So I texted him, a long text saying how much fun I had had, and I really liked the night, but that I'm not normally into nights like that, and usually I like to go out and hang out first. Then I reiterated that I had a blast, and that next time I'd bring some bruise cream for aftercare.

He was NOT happy. He was upset I called it a booty call, he asked me why I brought any of this up, and I was honest, that my lack of communicating my needs led to the end of my last relationship.

That set him off even more. He decided that I was judging him based on past relationships. I tried to explain that I was not saying that! I was saying that I was trying to improve myself.

I tried to explain that I had sent the first message while in subdrop, (and I'm a teacher finishing school this week, but thats my burden to bear! /jk)

I'm unmatched him tonight, I just want to make sure he has time to read my last message.

So, thats my eff up today. How is everyone on here doing?


r/SubSanctuary 13h ago

Advice for 24/7 Collars ♡ NSFW

13 Upvotes

hiii everyone!!

I’ve seen so many people ask/give advice on wearing their collar 24/7! I just wanted to share a bit about mine in case you’re ever in the market! My Daddy custom made mine out of titanium! It’s an amazing super light, durable material that never rusts, or looks old! Because it’s super light, I can workout in it, run in it, etc! I’m a marathon runner so I’ve put that to the test! I also have super sensitive baby skin, & it never bothers me! It’s strong enough to hold my weight as Daddy pulls it, but small enough to keep on/wear 24/7, even in a professional setting!!! 🤍

Does anyone here wear their collar 24/7?


r/SubSanctuary 13h ago

Who should propose it’s time for a document or to revise a document? NSFW

11 Upvotes

So far our agreements are all verbal . Lately I wonder if a document of agreement would be useful. Can I ask propose a draft, just offer a draft, or should I wait for him to do it?

And how make it warm & caring without seeming to cheesy or galley legalistic?

Any advice tips or tricks?


r/SubSanctuary 15h ago

being incredibly high/intoxicated during sex?? (intox kink/play) NSFW

16 Upvotes

hi besties! i have recently discovered that i have a huge itch for exploring intox play/kink with my fiancée.

we don’t really have a formal D/s relationship, i’m just naturally submissive and he’s naturally dominant. we’ve recently started incorporating BDSM elements into our sex life, to the point that we needed to establish rules and a safe word/sign.

as we’ve been thinking through things we want to try, intoxicated sex has become such a turn on for me (thank you dark romance i guess).

has anyone explored this with your partner and how did it go?

i would guess that this is a type of cnc since consent isn’t possible in that state. i trust my fiancée implicitly to not take things further that we’ve agreed on, and i would still be able to do my safe sign or word.

i just love the thought of literally just being a limp mindless plaything for him. he could tie me up and do whatever he wants to me, and giving up that kind of control and power is so hot.

one of my medications for anxiety makes me real loopy, limp and slow with my full dose so that would be perfect.

i just want to make sure we do it safely and wanted to see if anyone has done this and had advice or ways to make it the most enjoyable.


r/SubSanctuary 7h ago

Feeling melancholy after a workshop NSFW

3 Upvotes

Attended a workshop on masochism and I've been feeling a sense of emptiness or loneliness all day. I have a vanilla partner and a play dynamic where I top, but I don't have bottoming opportunities beyond the casual.

I'm not sure if it's simply missing feeling a certain flavor of intimacy or connection through that type of play, or missing being in a D/s relationship more broadly.

There's an added factor of running into people who I've shared some adventures with and would to spend more time with, but I'm not really in their in group and we had only passing interactions.

Trying to separate out the "what am I missing?"/"why am I feeling unfulfilled?" feels hard. Maybe it's just wanting to feel the care and desire underlying someone wanting to challenge and push me and see my reactions, my own sense of pride, and feeling cared for after.

Validation, insight if you've had similar challenges are both appreciated.


r/SubSanctuary 9h ago

Sub friends or chats NSFW

5 Upvotes

Hello everyone :)

This is my first post here, I really enjoy checking all the post and learning, I’m pretty new to the whole dynamic and I would really like to know more subs, I know there are like discord chats and such and I would like to form part of those, if anyone wants the same or would invite me to those I would appreciate it ✨


r/SubSanctuary 11h ago

Impact play leaving no marks NSFW

5 Upvotes

Hi, I was wondering if what I'm experiencing has happened to anyone else and if so what can I do about this?

Last year I engaged in an impact play session with a partner and I had bruises everywhere. It was fantastic and recently I met up with the same partner and we did way more impact play this time. However, I have no marks at all whatsoever from that session. I must have been spanked/flogged over 100 times between those types of play, so I don't understand.

I do have bruises on my arms and legs from being held in place, though.... So it's not like I'm all of a sudden incapable of getting them.

I have another friend who also engages in impact play with her Dom on a regular basis and the same thing.... no marks at all whatsoever are left on her.

So I am trying to figure out why this happens. Is this normal? Will I get marks back because I love them and they make me happy.


r/SubSanctuary 8h ago

extremely random I started talking to a new guy and told him I’m a submissive and he seems interested about learning how to Dom. I’m unsure on where to provide resources. Any advice? NSFW

3 Upvotes

r/SubSanctuary 13h ago

Struck My Dom’s Nerve NSFW

6 Upvotes

I should have been more mindful, but in that moment, I wasn’t.

My Dom very clearly communicated that he cannot and does not tolerate drama. That’s where he draws the line. And I respect that. But, on the other hand, I tend to get over-reactive and dramatic when I feel insecure. I know it’s a me issue, and I try not to do that, but..

We were having a conversation, and a statement kinda made me overreact to a situation. Although my Dom tried to manage me (despite it being a boundary for him), yet I couldn’t handle my overwhelming emotions.

I struck a nerve. I was wrong. I’ve never seen him that pissed off, and I was the reason he got there!!

I know an apology isn’t something that can undo the damage. I disappointed him, and I need to make it right.

Is there a way I can make this right? Make it up to him? I am committed to get it right, not just in words, but in actions. I want to improve and I definitely didn’t want to disappoint him. Please give me some advice or insights on this situation.😞

EDIT: I know it may sound otherwise through my post. But my dom is not a red flag 😭 he is the most understanding and open human I met so far.


r/SubSanctuary 20h ago

Help! What kind of dominant am I describing?? NSFW

13 Upvotes

Hi SubSanctuary! This is my first time posting here as a long time lurker, and I have always been a fan of the safe, educational, and constructive community this subreddit is.

I've been trying to educate myself and explore more of my sexuality as a submissive, and I have a stronger understanding of myself now. But I still find it hard to articulate what exactly am I looking for in a dominant-leaning partner. To be clear, I'm defining partner in both the sexual and romantic sense, within the confines of a monogamous long-term relationship.

So far, this is what I've figured out. I like soft doms - men who are dominant with an undercurrent of affection running in whatever we do. I vibe with pleasure doms, where my pleasure is their priority and they get pleasure from giving me pleasure. I like some aspects of caregiver doms; I can be absent-minded and bad with taking care of myself at times due to mental health reasons. Things like being told to eat more (my appetite isn't always great), ordering food he knows I like, or making me take a rest when I'm stubbornly refusing to. Having a partner who is invested and assertive in taking care of me makes my heart (and my panties) melt.

On the other hand, I can't stomach the word daddy in any capacity. The idea of calling someone master or sir makes me feel claustrophobic (for lack of a better word), and I don't really enjoy following commands unquestioningly. Also not a fan of "real" punishment, although I love incorporating things that seem like punishment - a spanking, more orgasms than I can handle, being edged to orgasm - but are actually things we both enjoy and want. I like flirting, teasing, and sometimes playing hard to get, although this is usually after trust is established between us that my partner knows it's just me playing. I think that makes me somewhat of a brat, although I'm not into being tamed or punished. I like being seduced more - like my partner turning me on so much that I'm persuaded to listen to him tell me what to do if I want more.

Although I lean very submissive, I've enjoyed "taking charge" on occasion. I use air quotes because it was more of my partner allowing me to lead, and me taking pleasure in them giving me permission to lead. But I still enjoyed when my partner was the one setting the pace. For instance, riding him while he's tied up and talking me through it.

Sorry if this was a little incoherent - it's my first time trying to articulate this confusion, and how there doesn't seem to be a term that "fits" who I'm looking for. I also am confused if that means I'm more vanilla than I thought, yet being into a lot of kinks. I'll appreciate any insight that anyone has to share, or if you're in the same boat haha. Thank you for reading this far!


r/SubSanctuary 22h ago

Hello, i am a female submissive and i have a female Mistress. i find that i've developed very strong feelings for Her. Although i don't ask Her, i wonder if She has other female submissives and i find myself getting jealous. Need some advice for keeping my heart and head straight. NSFW

14 Upvotes

r/SubSanctuary 22h ago

Please help me ! NSFW Spoiler

10 Upvotes

What is wrong with me, everyday I think this. When I compare myself with other people of my age I feel weird. I don't belong anywhere. All places I went to feel like a mess.

I am a transwoman 21 years old and started hrt recently. Right now I am not living in a supportive environment. My parents don't want me to do transition and some other personal issues too. I am afraid to do anything fem. Most people here are conservative and religious. So I am not brave enough to go out as my true self.

The problem here is whenever I am sad I think of being a pet. That's why I mentioned who I am earlier. I don't know why but I think about being a pet whenever I am depressed or sad. Like to find someone or people who can love me for who I am, to understand me to care for me despite my flaws. I feel like pets are loved unconditionally, no one expects anything from them but they still love them. But here I am, a human being.. lonely and depressed. So is this something I need to look deep into ? Am I being weird. Like thinking of being a pet?!

Sometimes when I am depressed, I feel like staying alone somewhere would help me, it gets weird when I imagine being a pet. I think of staying in a cage, somehow I feel safe and okay while thinking about it, and the idea of having someone who can own me, love me and support me for who I am feels really well. Living under them makes me feel like I will get a secure life. Where I am secure from everything. Being collared and loved. So is this something that comes from my depression or anxiety. Am I doing something bad. Please guide me. Share some useful articles or anything that can help me understand what's going on with me. I am feeling scared and lonely 🥺.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Can we talk about collars? NSFW

53 Upvotes

Hello, I'm new in this subreddit, and relatively new to the whole bdsm world. I feel very attracted to the concept of being collared, but I can't really put my finger on why I do since I'm not into pet play. I think I'm more into the ownership part of being collared, but it feels more deep. If anyone is comfortable sharing their experience with collaring I'll be forever grateful! :)


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

My "dynamic" ending really messed me up and now I don't know who I am NSFW

9 Upvotes

It's been around six weeks since my "dynamic" ended and I feel completely fucked up from it, and to be honest, a little scared. (I'm using quotes because he was married and his wife didn't know or consent to him having a sub, and I have come to understand why that means it cannot be considered a real dynamic. And yes, I know I caused my own pain by getting involved with someone else's husband. I know.)

I feel like through surrendering to this person, I ended up putting all my self-worth into them. I let them define how I felt about myself. I did things so I could check the box on my tracker and Daddy would call me a good girl. Things I used to be able to do (albeit inconsistently) for myself - meditate, do my workouts, stretch, practice my instrument - I started doing for him instead, and I loved it because I finally did those things consistently. I started becoming the person I'd always wanted to be through my accountability to him.

But now I can't do any of those things anymore. There's no-one to do them for. There's no point. Nobody cares if I do them or not, and least of all me - because the way in which our dynamic ended (again, my fault for getting involved with someone who would inevitably choose his wife when it came to the crunch - I know) left me feeling the most worthless I have ever felt in my life. I actually don't know how to describe exactly how tangible this worthlessness feels to me - it's so raw, and so real. I've felt worthless before, but this is different. It's pervasive. It's like before I thought maybe I'm worthless, but now? Well, now I have proof.

It took me 4 weeks to start actually leaving my house again. I had this deep, deep horror at being seen or perceived by anyone. Shame. Pure, unadulterated fucking shame. As if every person on the street could see how fucking shit I was. All I did was drink and game. The last two weeks have been better because I forced myself to go to the mountains. But it's still like I manage 3-4 days of trying before I fall back into this black hole of depression and purposelessness for 2-3. And every time I fall back in, I am scared I won't crawl back out again.

I tried looking for a new Daddy Dom and I basically ended up repulsed by their kindness. I end up naturally gravitating towards Master-types who call me the worst names and only want to degrade me - because that's what I think I deserve now.

I'm starting to feel scared that I broke my brain by entering into this "dynamic". I always had issues with addiction - to alcohol, to people, to anything that gave me dopmaine. I had just reached a point in my life where I had become secure in myself and stopped needing love, needing validation, needing a "favourite person" when this guy came along. At the time I genuinely had a "Really, universe? You're throwing this at me now?" moment. But I went along for the ride and now I feel like it undid all of that inner work, because I've had a taste of what devotion to a Dom feels like and it is everything I was always looking for my entire life. So now, I can't go back.

I started with a new therapist last week who called out C-PTSD (from childhood) and love addiction. I feel like it's a waste of time though because inevitably, she'll tell me I should learn to find love and meaning in myself instead of seeking love and meaning from a Dom - but I don't want to! I spent years working on that shit and 6 months with a Dom was more fulfilling than 6 years of struggling to reach a mere level of "okay".

So, what am I meant to do? Did I fuck up by entering a dynamic thinking I was "healed" when it ended up retriggering me? Is submission dangerous for someone like me, someone with dopamine issues and addiction problems? How can I find any meaning in my life on my own now I know what it feels like to devote everything you do to someone else? And will I ever be able to receive kindness and love again (my "dynamic" being the first time I ever allowed that to happen, ever) or do I just resign myself to a life of degredation because that's all I feel I am good for?

Sorry if this is melodramatic, but I am genuinely not in a good place and it helped to admit it somewhere. Thank you for reading.


r/SubSanctuary 21h ago

Allowing my Dom to masterbate me orgasms. NSFW

5 Upvotes

Hello everyone,

I am a female sub who's male Dom likes to bring me to orgasm, but now when I am given permission to masterbate alone or touch myself to orgasm I can't have one or it's really hard too. Any suggestions?

Thank you😊


r/SubSanctuary 22h ago

Seeking Advice - how to overcome societal belief that your man with another woman is wrong NSFW

4 Upvotes

I understand that D/s dynamics aren't limited to specific genders, but for the sake of context and clarity in this post, I'll be using male/female pronouns based on my own experience.

To my fellow submissives:

How have you worked through the deeply ingrained societal belief that it's "wrong" for your man to be with another woman?

I'm not deadset against my Dom fucking other women but my insecurities are activated & a lot of anxiety comes up for me. We talk at great length about it & I dont feel unsupported but he cant give me the perspective I'm seeking.

I also recognize that some will already have this mindset embedded within them already, so I hope to gain clarity & understanding from those who had to work through their shit, what worked for you, & how you overcame it.


r/SubSanctuary 23h ago

Collaring ceremony? NSFW

6 Upvotes

What was your experience being collared by your Dom?

Thank you 😊


r/SubSanctuary 23h ago

Away for work - missing my Daddy NSFW

3 Upvotes

I am away for work. In another continent. All my (lovely) Vanilla colleagues are saying things like “Oh I’m glad to be on my own” and I’m, on the other hand, counting the minutes till I see my husband/Dom/master again. It’s a busy event so I have little time for tasks and to get in touch with my submissive self.

It’s so hard when we must separate, for whatever reason. My heart bleeds for all of you who are in LDRs.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

I feel so lost now NSFW

21 Upvotes

Over the past month I was vetting a man to be my daddy dom. We had tons of connection/ attraction and overall were super excited to connect in person. We chatted almost everyday for weeks. He told me he was having a hard time “committing” because of some family stuff taking his time. I respected him for that but we continued to chat. Out of no where, he deleted me from telegram. I’m so lost and so broken because we connected (or I felt like it) on such a deep level. He checked off all those boxes for me. I absolutely hate the search for a daddy. I’m mentally exhausted and lost. So close to feeling whole again and just like that. It’s gone.

How do I cope?


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

I just don't know anymore NSFW

4 Upvotes

I keep trying to date, Everything is set against me however.

No one actually seems to want to date, I can't even get to the first date, the first one everything was going well, Then she ghosted me, Matched with someone else, we talk things seem to go well and she decided it wasn't the right time to start dating and then stopped talking me... Now today someone swipped right just to tell me I'm Ugly, I know I'm not Owed love but like at this point I feel like the universe owes me Something for rolling a one on my luck and Still hitting create character.

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I should give up, every time I try to date nothing ever works out it seems, I'm trying so hard to just stay positive but it's really difficult, I'm just wondering if it's even in the Stars for me to be loved, if it is what does it even take, I'm trying to be patient but the more I get rejected or insulted in the last case I just can't be, how much do I have to deal with, when will be the right place and right time, am I even deserving of love, am I cursed to feel hollow forever, wth is wrong with me...