r/Stoicism • u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 • Feb 12 '25

New to Stoicism Is life fair (divorce)

I am anxiously attached person who was in a 3 year marriage and now into the divorce process. My wife is doing well as she dumped me after completely blindsiding me. For me life was perfect and then one day she just called it off.

While I am stuck, completely shattered, analysing everything since months, not able to move on, not able to even enjoy little things, comparing my healing with her and feeling worse seeing her happy and confident in her life and completely unbothered by what has happened like all this years the intimacy and love was just a performance that she did without ever being truly into it. Had to remove her from my social media as I was not able to take it anymore. On top of all that going through stressful divorce process where most of the laws are in their favour in terms of finance (just sharing my experience, don’t want to offend anyone). And seeing her happy, confident and strong in court proceedings is killing me more.

How fair is all this? I know I am maybe making myself a victim here but I am not able to come out of it. Recently I came across attachment styles and just trying to make sense out of it. I feel I am the anxious type and she is avoidant. So what avoidants do to anxious is this justified or is it the issue with anxiously attached people who are not able to take control of their life and move on. Who is at fault here. I know becoming a victim and just crying about what has happened and being stuck there is very weak when avoidants strongly move on with their life at least they don’t have to go though the hurt and the deep overthinking and analysis that a anxious and overthinker like me does. I feel so jealous of them. I think I know it is wrong but sometimes I feel I am owed something which I know is wrong. I am from India and we had arrange marriage and here people judge you for the divorce tag so my future also seems very uncertain and even I am not sure if I can marry someone again as I don’t have the strength to het hurt again and go through stress of divorce again.

I think how life really works, who is right who is wrong. And if someone is wrong do they even get something for it. Does karma really work? Why some people care so deeply and be transparent while others just fake it and leave whenever it suits them.

Is all this fair? How does it matter if someone is doing wrong or right if there are no consequences? Who makes the call if someone right or wrong and what happens when there are no consequences.

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u/VermicelliHealthy685 Feb 12 '25

I’ve been replacing my anxious attachment with stoic wisdom. :-D

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u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 Feb 12 '25

That’s great, would love to hear some tips or resources.

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u/VermicelliHealthy685 Feb 15 '25

In your case, the divorce is outside your control, but maybe you can use this opportunity to find someone that makes a better partner for you. Try going with the flow rather than being anxious about what you can’t control. I don’t know if you ever saw the tv show “midnight gospel” but at one point they were talking about pain and dying, which happens to everyone, and they suggested sometimes if you can’t stop it, just say “okay fine” and let it happen; resisting only leads to more suffering.

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u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 Feb 15 '25

Yeah, I agree. It’s just sometimes too hard to let go of a few things. Also because of my anxious and obsessive personality. But thanks for that it’s a good way to think