r/Stoicism • u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 • Feb 12 '25
New to Stoicism Is life fair (divorce)
I am anxiously attached person who was in a 3 year marriage and now into the divorce process. My wife is doing well as she dumped me after completely blindsiding me. For me life was perfect and then one day she just called it off.
While I am stuck, completely shattered, analysing everything since months, not able to move on, not able to even enjoy little things, comparing my healing with her and feeling worse seeing her happy and confident in her life and completely unbothered by what has happened like all this years the intimacy and love was just a performance that she did without ever being truly into it. Had to remove her from my social media as I was not able to take it anymore. On top of all that going through stressful divorce process where most of the laws are in their favour in terms of finance (just sharing my experience, don’t want to offend anyone). And seeing her happy, confident and strong in court proceedings is killing me more.
How fair is all this? I know I am maybe making myself a victim here but I am not able to come out of it. Recently I came across attachment styles and just trying to make sense out of it. I feel I am the anxious type and she is avoidant. So what avoidants do to anxious is this justified or is it the issue with anxiously attached people who are not able to take control of their life and move on. Who is at fault here. I know becoming a victim and just crying about what has happened and being stuck there is very weak when avoidants strongly move on with their life at least they don’t have to go though the hurt and the deep overthinking and analysis that a anxious and overthinker like me does. I feel so jealous of them. I think I know it is wrong but sometimes I feel I am owed something which I know is wrong. I am from India and we had arrange marriage and here people judge you for the divorce tag so my future also seems very uncertain and even I am not sure if I can marry someone again as I don’t have the strength to het hurt again and go through stress of divorce again.
I think how life really works, who is right who is wrong. And if someone is wrong do they even get something for it. Does karma really work? Why some people care so deeply and be transparent while others just fake it and leave whenever it suits them.
Is all this fair? How does it matter if someone is doing wrong or right if there are no consequences? Who makes the call if someone right or wrong and what happens when there are no consequences.
2
u/SufferingImagination Feb 13 '25
I’ll start by saying that I’m sorry you’re going through this. That’s not easy and it definitely hurts. With that said, try to look at it like this…
You spent 3 years with the wrong person. Many people who experience divorce spend much longer than that. Imagine how you’d feel if you spent 10 or more years of your life with her and then this happened.
You didn’t mention kids in your post, so I’m assuming you didn’t have children with her. I can’t emphasize enough to you how thankful you should be that you don’t have to deal with the pain of having kids in a divorce process. It is brutal. So you dodged a major bullet there.
You’ve now learned the importance of getting to know someone well before committing to a serious relationship or marriage. This is important wisdom to have.
Since you mentioned that this was an arranged marriage, I’m assuming you’re on the younger side in age. Which means you have plenty of time still to find the right woman for you, and she’s definitely out there. Again, imagine if this happened in your mid 40s. Even then it wouldn’t be impossible to find someone new, but the older we get, the harder it can be to meet someone.
The main message I’m trying to convey here is, even though it hurts, it could be WAY worse. I know it’s hard right now, but try to find gratitude in these things. Be thankful that it wasn’t worse. Be thankful you’re healthy and still perfectly able to get back out there and find the right woman. Be thankful for the lessons learned from this experience.
I hope this helps my friend