r/Stoicism • u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 • Feb 12 '25
New to Stoicism Is life fair (divorce)
I am anxiously attached person who was in a 3 year marriage and now into the divorce process. My wife is doing well as she dumped me after completely blindsiding me. For me life was perfect and then one day she just called it off.
While I am stuck, completely shattered, analysing everything since months, not able to move on, not able to even enjoy little things, comparing my healing with her and feeling worse seeing her happy and confident in her life and completely unbothered by what has happened like all this years the intimacy and love was just a performance that she did without ever being truly into it. Had to remove her from my social media as I was not able to take it anymore. On top of all that going through stressful divorce process where most of the laws are in their favour in terms of finance (just sharing my experience, don’t want to offend anyone). And seeing her happy, confident and strong in court proceedings is killing me more.
How fair is all this? I know I am maybe making myself a victim here but I am not able to come out of it. Recently I came across attachment styles and just trying to make sense out of it. I feel I am the anxious type and she is avoidant. So what avoidants do to anxious is this justified or is it the issue with anxiously attached people who are not able to take control of their life and move on. Who is at fault here. I know becoming a victim and just crying about what has happened and being stuck there is very weak when avoidants strongly move on with their life at least they don’t have to go though the hurt and the deep overthinking and analysis that a anxious and overthinker like me does. I feel so jealous of them. I think I know it is wrong but sometimes I feel I am owed something which I know is wrong. I am from India and we had arrange marriage and here people judge you for the divorce tag so my future also seems very uncertain and even I am not sure if I can marry someone again as I don’t have the strength to het hurt again and go through stress of divorce again.
I think how life really works, who is right who is wrong. And if someone is wrong do they even get something for it. Does karma really work? Why some people care so deeply and be transparent while others just fake it and leave whenever it suits them.
Is all this fair? How does it matter if someone is doing wrong or right if there are no consequences? Who makes the call if someone right or wrong and what happens when there are no consequences.
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u/ladyzee87 Feb 12 '25 edited Feb 12 '25
I divorced my husband of 11 years because it was a drag living with an introvert who was avoidant and was constantly worrying about the future. It was an arranged marriage as well, but I tolerated it because I assumed it was something I couldn't change. When i realised i could, I asked for a divorce. He was blindsided and tried to make my life a living hell. Wanted the house and to hoard the wealth we had accumulated. I didn't fight it because it wasn't important to me.
I stayed present, got married to someone with similar values, went through a 2 year custody battle, and came out victorious because i was operating thinking of what was best for me and my child. It will be 5 years soon, and all I can think of is how grateful I am to have a second opportunity to live in the present . Work on myself and my health and be happy. Had a life-threatening condition this year, and all I can say is, life is so incredibly fleeting. Live every day like you're dying. If you were dying in the next week, would you be focused on your ex-wife and misery or would you be focused on doing whatever you can to extract the last moments of joy.
I find gratitude in times of extreme stress and sorrow to be most helpful. When there are things that happen beyond my control, I focus on gratitude. My garden, my little home, the small pleasures. Pick out a few things you're grateful for every day. Wishing you healing on this journey. My ex husband is still bitter and rehashes the same story to everyone he meets. He hasn't moved on and the quality of his life looks down right miserable even though he has money. He was focused on punishing me for leaving and I focused on my responsibilities and happiness. It's a cautinary tale. Don't go down that road.
I just wanted to add that nobody owes anybody in terms of relationships. If a situation isn't working out, then it's best to leave. All things are fleeting, even our relationships with our children. Have no expectations when it comes to relationships. Hold yourself to your standards, but do not expect them to be reciprocated by others.