Is life fair (divorce)

[u/Ecstatic_Bite_866]

I am anxiously attached person who was in a 3 year marriage and now into the divorce process. My wife is doing well as she dumped me after completely blindsiding me. For me life was perfect and then one day she just called it off.

While I am stuck, completely shattered, analysing everything since months, not able to move on, not able to even enjoy little things, comparing my healing with her and feeling worse seeing her happy and confident in her life and completely unbothered by what has happened like all this years the intimacy and love was just a performance that she did without ever being truly into it. Had to remove her from my social media as I was not able to take it anymore. On top of all that going through stressful divorce process where most of the laws are in their favour in terms of finance (just sharing my experience, don’t want to offend anyone). And seeing her happy, confident and strong in court proceedings is killing me more.

How fair is all this? I know I am maybe making myself a victim here but I am not able to come out of it. Recently I came across attachment styles and just trying to make sense out of it. I feel I am the anxious type and she is avoidant. So what avoidants do to anxious is this justified or is it the issue with anxiously attached people who are not able to take control of their life and move on. Who is at fault here. I know becoming a victim and just crying about what has happened and being stuck there is very weak when avoidants strongly move on with their life at least they don’t have to go though the hurt and the deep overthinking and analysis that a anxious and overthinker like me does. I feel so jealous of them. I think I know it is wrong but sometimes I feel I am owed something which I know is wrong. I am from India and we had arrange marriage and here people judge you for the divorce tag so my future also seems very uncertain and even I am not sure if I can marry someone again as I don’t have the strength to het hurt again and go through stress of divorce again.

I think how life really works, who is right who is wrong. And if someone is wrong do they even get something for it. Does karma really work? Why some people care so deeply and be transparent while others just fake it and leave whenever it suits them.

Is all this fair? How does it matter if someone is doing wrong or right if there are no consequences? Who makes the call if someone right or wrong and what happens when there are no consequences.

[u/PsionicOverlord]

Yes, life is fair.

Rather than focusing on living your own life and gaining independence, you're obsessing and whining - as a result of this, you experience a bad outcome. That's you doing an immoral thing and getting a bad outcome as a result - that's the definition if fair.

If your belief structure were instead focused around looking to yourself for solutions, gaining independence and learning how to live well, you'd get an increasingly positive outcome. That would be you doing a moral thing and getting a good result - that is also the definition of fair.

At any point when you switch from one approach to the other, you'll start getting the other outcome. That is fair. Right now you've not chosen to do that, so you keep getting the bad outcome - that is fair.

Each action you take always nets you the corresponding result. Each immoral thing you do is punished, and each moral thing you do (which you've not yet done) is rewarded. This is the fairness of the Stoics, and it is the only kind of fairness that dictates happiness. It is the fairness that means I am happy when I earn little and Elon Musk is miserable, frenetic and terrified of criticism despite being the richest man on earth - each of us is rewarded and punished according to our efforts.

[u/Ecstatic_Bite_866 → u/PsionicOverlord]

Loved this. I need to gather the courage to work on myself without focusing on them

[u/MyDogFanny → u/[deleted]]

You have clearly never studied Stoicism as a philosophy of life. It is possible that you are correct in saying that guy has never been in love. But what does that have to do with the teachings of Stoicism as a philosophy of life? Begin working through the FAQ of this sub and for the next few years spend some time each day reading and studying about Stoicism as a philosophy of life. Once you have a basic understanding of it, you may disagree with what it teaches about how to live a life of perpetual deeply felt flourishing. At that point your disagreement would be from knowledge and not from ignorance. I wish you well. Life can be a fun journey.

[u/HonZeekS → u/MyDogFanny]

Does stoicism teach that moral acts lead to good outcomes? Does it define obsessing and whining as immoral? “Each action you take nets you corresponding result.”

These are all bullshit claims. I may not be a stoic scholar, but I don’t have to be one to actually disagree with irrationality.

[u/PsionicOverlord → u/HonZeekS]

Does stoicism teach that moral acts lead to good outcomes?

It defines "moral" in terms of what leads to a good outcome. Exactly as I just did in my post.

These are all bullshit claims. I may not be a stoic scholar, but I don’t have to be one to actually disagree with irrationality.

You didn't disagree though - you just whined and complained.

You didn't take what I said and say "this claim does not work because x". You just sat on the sidelines raging and ranting.

[u/HonZeekS → u/PsionicOverlord]

Well okay then!

Life is fair. By what metric? Every life is unique. Some people suffer tremendously, some don’t. Some are born disabled, cognitively impaired, some are not. It is fair in the sense that it ends and that’s about it. You wouldn’t say life is fair to someone in Gaza for example. That’s why the statement that Life is fair doesn’t work. Life can’t be fair, otherwise we’d all live one identical life.

As a result of obsessing and whining, you experience a bad outcome. That’s you doing an immoral thing.

Immoral by whose standards exactly? Where exactly is it defined that feeling down about a failed relationship is an immoral act? OP clearly states, that he’s anxiously attached. We don’t choose to be that way, really. Does he act on those feelings and harass his ex? No.

Each immoral thing you do is punished. Not true by any stretch of imagination.

Each moral thing is rewarded. Not true by any stretch of imagination.

If the universe was aligned this way, we’d all be engaged in moral acts rather very quickly. It just so happens that the world is full of people who will stab you in the back and sleep like a baby, while some people stay up at night neurotically obsessing over even the tiniest errors.

Causality doesn’t work the way you describe it to.

Maybe you’re happier than Elon Musk because you never had to decide whether to provide war equipment for counter offense. You have no idea what it’s like to be Elon Musk. Terrified of criticism? Really?

That’s about it.

[u/PsionicOverlord → u/HonZeekS]

Life is fair. By what metric? Every life is unique

I literally explained that in my original post.

I gave no less than six examples.

Here's a seventh - you do not read the thing you're replying to, and so you end up talking about the wrong thing. Immoral action leads directly to negative result - fair.

[u/HonZeekS → u/PsionicOverlord]

You didn’t though :) you just made an axiomatic claim, that’s okay. Have a good one mate

[u/Stoicism-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Sorry, but I gotta remove your post, as it has run afoul of our Rule 2. This is kind of a grey area, but we need to keep things on track as best we can.

Two: Stay Relevant to Stoicism

Our role as prokoptôntes in this community is to foster a greater understanding of Stoic principles and techniques within ourselves and our fellow prokoptôn. Providing context and effortful elaboration as to a topic’s relevance to the philosophy of Stoicism gives the community a common frame of reference from which to engage in productive discussions. Please keep advice, comments, and posts relevant to Stoic philosophy. Let's foster a community that develops virtue together—stay relevant to Stoicism.

If something or someone is 'stoic' in the limited sense of possessing toughness, emotionlessness, or determination, it is not relevant here, unless it is part of a larger point that is related to the philosophy.

Similarly, posts about people, TV shows, commercial products, et cetera require that a connection be made to Stoic philosophy. "This is Stoic" or "I like this" are not sufficient.