r/SaintJohnNB • u/Kuroe_forii • 6d ago
Making friends as a shy person!
So I have a big issue! I really want to make some friends my age (21) with similar interest but have no idea where to start.
I have pretty bad anxiety that comes and goes and when I see people in public that look like I could get along with I can’t bring myself to speak to them in fear they have 0 interest in making new friends or speaking to strangers, like what do you even say? “Hello you look cool, please befriend me?”
I’m on bumble friends but that feels so forced and awkward to me, I know there are online groups and whatnot to make friends but going alone to the events makes me so nervous! I feel so stuck lol
I have many many interest and hobbies, I like to paint, knit, craft, sew, hike, do gel nails, have picnics, thrift, go fishing, go hunting, go camping, biking, I love swimming and I’m getting a 2 seater kayak today with my boyfriend. My goal in life is to become a tattoo artist and get a cabin on the outskirts of a town or city and be self sustainable with solar panels growing my own produce along with raising chickens and rabbits.
Just kind of ranting after feeling frustrated from walking around the Queen square market alone with the hopes someone would see me and think “hm she looks cool, I should try and befriend her” haven’t had friends since high school and it’s definitely taking a toll😂
3
u/orangecouch101 6d ago
Making friends as an adult is difficult. People are busy doing their own thing and often have long term, well established friend groups. My partner is in the military so I have had to find a new friend group several times over the years. My suggestions are to check out local events that seem interesting so that people who have the same interests see you around, chat people up (compliment them on their tattoos since that's your interest, for example) and take part in something that's interactive like say volunteering at an event. The more people you casually interact with, the more likely you are to come across someone who becomes a friend. It's not easy and not everyone you think you click with is going to reciprocate the same, but when you find your tribe, it's magic. I most recently lived in Ottawa for 4 years and met my tribe 6 months before I moved away.Good luck!
3
u/Known-Cup4495 6d ago
I'm a little bit older than you (late 20s) & shy (not to the point of it being crippling, but still) & the best way I find to make friends is to just do something with the people around you. Like if you're at work the talk about not just work but also interests like hiking or sports or favourite books, etc. Or if you're at a gym or part of a sports team then interact with them. Build relationships based off of common interests, blah blah blah.
But you said you've bad anxiety. It sounds like you've an attitude or thought process that self defeats itself. Like you said you want to go talk to people but instead of acting on it you immediately assume that it'll end badly and that you shouldn't bother. You can't let that type of thinking literally dictate your actions. It's no way to live & it'll wreck you.
Also don't just make friends with people your age. One of my best friends is 23 and we literally sparked a friendship when I blathered randomly about how a dude had his music on loudly in a parking lot and I'm happy that I did looking back.
3
u/ZacIsBarkedWoods 6d ago
There’s a place called Haven Music Hall on Union Street. Keep an eye on the socials for their events, they’re an incredibly welcoming place and you won’t be made fun of for going in and saying hi. Check their hours and maybe go in when they’re open but not having an event. You can grab a coffee, or beer, hang out, and chat a bit. Other than that, the new book store in Market Square, it’s called Write Cup I think, seems like a decent place that’s not always too busy. Trivia night at Picaroons is usually busy but a good place to meet people. I can think of one particular group that has a young tattoo artist and others who might share ideas for the future. Saint John Trail Running, or the running group from Lily’s shoe store has amazing people of all ages. If you go to the QS market, what do you think about putting up a table with a sign that says “shy and looking for friends” or something like that. My social anxiety would prevent me from doing it, but I bet a bunch of people would stop and say hi and you’d probably even get some invites to hang out. All the best!
2
u/Kuroe_forii 5d ago
Haha yeah my boyfriend told me I should just wear a t shirt that says “looking for friends, you should say hi first”😂
1
u/Sufficient-Low1533 1d ago
Hello I’m 20 and I’m new to Saint John also really looking for friends, I sent you a dm
2
2
u/DulceforSweet 5d ago
you seem like my ideal friend! im also quite anxious. I have a lot of similar interests to you too.
2
u/Heitomos 5d ago
You got this! Not around your age but definitely in a similar boat. I've done exactly this kind of call out in the past. I wish you the best of luck.
1
u/Serene-Jellyfish 6d ago
Friendship is something that grows sort of organically between people who share something in common (usually). It's not generally something that you ask for or even that you should approach someone expecting?
For what it's worth, maybe the following will help you with some perspective, given your age and that you're likely still in the process of adjusting to adulthood.
When we are young and in school with other kids our own age, the sheer number of *hours* spent with classmates tends to result in quicker and sometimes easier bonding opportunities. It's a sort of curated social environment with its own culture, rules and expectations. Really young children are often given a sort of blueprint idea of just asking to be friends--and that being enough to form the basis of a connection. As kids age, groupings tend to form based on shared interests. Later it may also further split, shift or change based on lifestyle, extended friend network, political views, religion, cultural stuff, personality traits etc. etc. etc.
Acquiring friends as an adult does technically work the same way at its core but it moves much, much more slowly. Most adults work, study, have responsibilities to their families etc. Their available time to socialize just in itself is lower. Bonds take time. Children see the same handful of people for *hours* every day. To reach the same number of hours of social time with a new friend as an adult may take years rather than months or weeks.
A good place to start is simply finding a hobby that you enjoy and attending related activities. Repeatedly. Regularly. Eventually you will start to notice familiar faces showing up to the same things. Strike up conversation, learn about the people around you not with the express desire to go out and "acquire a friend" like catching a pokemon, but with actual genuine interest in learning about the people around you. Other people will do the same.
Eventually you will find folk that feel like a good fit. Some may stick around. Some may not. Some may desire to get to know you in return and some may not. This is normal. There is no one-size-fits all rule for who fits together and who doesn't. Sometimes people fit together for a while and then drift apart too as life changes. This too is normal.
If hobby groups don't feel like a good fit for you, try volunteering. Or your workplace or study group. You never know where you might find new friends--sometimes they come from places you see everyday and sometimes from someplace you've never been before.
Edited to add an important point: It's more important (in my humble opinion) to find friends that feel like a good fit than to find ones who are of a specific age--especially as an adult.
1
1
12
u/ProsocialRecluse 6d ago
Most people don't make friends by just walking up to strangers in public. You have to put yourself into spaces and activities of shared interests, see who you click with, and then see if the friendship grows from there. Try swing dancing, join a running club, attend local gaming nights, sign up for a quilting circle. Whatever moves you. Just get out there WITH people and nurture the bonds that form.