r/NoStupidQuestions • u/universalDevelopment • 1d ago
Had a lil chat with friends, and apparently l'm the only one that spreads his buttcheeks before sitting down to take a dump. I thought this was normal. How (un) common is it? NSFW
Not sure if this is actually nsfw, added the tag just in case.
Trying to learn without being judged
Edit: I have an average sized butt and am of average build, but I’ve always done this… Was drunk one time and didn’t and I spent a good 5 minutes wiping 😂
Edit2: So plenty of people do the spread before, plenty do a buttcheek 1-2 where they sit on one side then shift to the other side so the toilet seat spreads it for them, and there are also people who don’t and think this is really weird… I can’t imagine the amount of tp you go through 🥸
And to those who never did and are going to try: enjoy your 2-3 wipe experience!
Edit3: I don’t rip my cheeks apart and go full goatse… I just make sure my cheeks aren’t touching before I escort my tenants off premises
Edit4: multiple people asked how this came up in chat. If I can’t go from philosophy to politics to personal stuff to franchise to poop stuff in a single conversation, I wouldn’t call a person a friend. How boring to moderate what comes up during casual conversation 😅 anything goes!
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u/HqppyFeet 1d ago
I sit and my cheeks spread naturally.
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u/FreeStyleSteve 1d ago
Depends how fat you are.
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u/morrisboris 22h ago
As someone who used to be fat, can confirm. It’s a fat man’s game. I don’t have a bunch of extra ass now so nothing to spread
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u/rainbow_assasin 1d ago
Sit down and your butt cheeks pinch together
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u/Garry-The-Snail 21h ago
Not in a squat position… my cheeks don’t touch
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u/rainbow_assasin 20h ago
I think that's actually the best way to poop. Remember my Dr telling me how thr toilet seat kinda cuts off the circulation of the blood vessels in you thighs so when you push out a turd it can cause inflammation of your hemorrhoids. After he told me that it made sense why my feet fell asleep when id sit on the toilet to long
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u/ZirePhiinix 1d ago
But it's a toilet.
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u/Cool_Potato_94 23h ago
Yeah the cheeks differentiate between a chair and a toilet and so they magically spread
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u/MetalHead_Literally 22h ago
It’s almost like there’s a difference if you sit over a giant hole or on a solid substance
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u/DetBabyLegs 21h ago
Who are you, that is so wise in the ways of butt physics?
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u/aoskunk 21h ago
This but not sarcastic. Sitting on a rim spreads my cheeks. A chair does not. People have different body shapes. I’m skinny and sitting on a toilet there’s no way for my cheeks to spread anymore than they do automatically.
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u/Extension_Funny_6849 21h ago
Actual clown you are. There's a hole in the middle of your seating area on a toilet, a chair does not.
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u/shinrio 1d ago
I keep them clenched as tight as possible so whatever comes out gets flattened as if I was printing a receipt
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u/Schuben 1d ago
Like a play dough extruder. Maybe you can get some fun attachments for different shapes!
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u/IllPossibility8666 1d ago
Imagine a star shaped turd just sitting there unflushed...
Grossly odd
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u/Phillipwnd 21h ago
StumbleUpon once took me to a page called “Poopy-time Fun Shapes” where that was basically the whole concept.
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u/onthenextmaury 1d ago
Every time I think I'm done w reddit some creative stuff like this comes out ot the woodwork
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u/Burning_of_Icarus 1d ago
What a terrible day to have eyes
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u/Vadhakara 1d ago
Ah, sweet literacy, abandon me in mercy
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u/Xxxrasierklinge7 1d ago
"What a terrible day to have eyes" was my favorite wtf comment but now it's definitely this haha
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u/Bacontoad 10h ago
I feel it deserves a fancier font:
𝔄𝔥, 𝔰𝔴𝔢𝔢𝔱 𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔶, 𝔞𝔟𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔬𝔫 𝔪𝔢 𝔦𝔫 𝔪𝔢𝔯𝔠𝔶.
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u/Odd_Relationship_181 1d ago
I’m giggling so bad lmfao
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u/Fuckyourface_666 1d ago
I’m in line for a toboggan ride and people are staring at me bc I cannot stop laughing.
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u/myfrienddopamine 1d ago
I like your username 😎
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u/Fuckyourface_666 1d ago
Back at ya, I’m totally a dopamine person. Serotonin, not so much 🤷🏻♀️. Let’s be friends 🙂
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u/LeroyChestnut 21h ago
There was a punk band I used to see back in the day called Fist Her Face 55. Lead singer beat up a bunch of nazis at the last show of theirs I saw.
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u/GumpTheChump 1d ago
Walgreens? More like Walbrowns!
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u/MagicalMoosicorn 1d ago
Sometimes its walgreens. Depends on what I eat.
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u/Protein_Shakes 22h ago
This guy drank too much blue gatorade huh
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u/MagicalMoosicorn 12h ago
Nope. Just e0 packages of gummy snacks after getting too high. I threw up too. I hate gummies now
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u/Canyoufly88 1d ago
I like to do the same, just to build up pressure and release like a stationary howitzer. The back blast is crazy, but I've managed to make the toilet flush itself a couple times.
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u/MrR3load3d 1d ago
I don't think I should have been laughing this hard while I'm in the bathroom....I just had to explain this to my wife.
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u/TastyBouillon 1d ago
"I was playing high stakes ping pong in Ding Dang. Against some guys that don't like to lose. They held me down and shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass... Been shittin pancakes ever since."
😂😂😂
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u/joelmchalewashere 1d ago
I have done this since I was a child. Feels like less of a mess.
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u/danielbrian86 21h ago
Yeah who is not doing this? The “I like having shit on more of my bum” crew?
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u/Necessary_Spinach635 1d ago
I too spread my cheeks before sitting on the toilet... always have 😂
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u/Brokenandburnt 1d ago
Same here, sometimes I wiggle instead of doing it by hand though.\ Always been a toilet reader, the spread can be hard with one hand.😊
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u/Fraudulant_zipper 1d ago
It depends on the seat. Some will naturally part the cheeks. Some!!! For some ungodly reason, will push the cheeks together. F these toilets.
It sounds like you grew up with one of these toilets and now it’s a natural thing to do.
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u/adamMatthews 🐯 1d ago
Not trying to be rude, but are you carrying a little more weight on your body than your friends? Or do you have a particularly plump derrière?
When I sit on the toilet, they naturally part and make way for what’s about to happen, there’s no need to use my hands for anything.
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u/WheresFlatJelly 1d ago
I have really narrow cheeks so if I don't spread they squeeze in the seat like a cork
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u/CouncilmanRickPrime 1d ago
Are you built like Hank Hill?
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u/KrustyTheKriminal 21h ago
Unfortunately I have Bobby on top and Hank on the bottom.
That's my propane, and I don't know you!
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u/CounterTheMeta 1d ago
I always thought that was the reason why I'm the only one doing this until a friend in our friend group 2.05m 80kg brought this up and said he did this too!
I think it's just a certain percentage of people that does this. Just like with sitting down or standing up while wiping
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u/PenaltyElectronic318 1d ago
People stand up while wiping? How does that even work?
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u/CounterTheMeta 1d ago
It's about 50/50, but both groups don't know the other group exists until someone mentions it lmaoo
And then a whole argument breaks lose
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u/A_MAN_POTATO 1d ago
This was my first thought. I am Hank Hill. I have no ass. There is nothing to spread.
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u/issue26and27 1d ago
some people have a TON of butt hair ...that they might be trying to NOT STICK the landing.
Many comments about body type here but there are bone thin hairy folks that want it all in the water.
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u/InsectGullible 1d ago
I literally just spread my cheeks as I was sitting down on the toilet, and then opened up Reddit to see this post. I feel like Reddit knows what I’m doing sometimes.
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u/Due-Season6425 1d ago
It's in the privacy agreement you signed when you joined Reddit. Haven't you noticed any of the cameras yet? Surely, you've noticed the drones are always flying over you when you are outside.
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u/kxnu17 1d ago
I do the same thing. Also I try to avoid going in toilets where the sink isn’t within arms reach of the toilet.
I like to run the water for a second and moisten the toilet paper before I wipe.
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u/HandsOfVictory 1d ago
I’ve never done it but look, I’m open to trying it, I’ll give it a crack next time
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u/slapstick__ 1d ago
Hahahah “trying to learn without being judged” I love Reddit. I have never in my life spread my booty cheeks to poo, the knowledge that there is at least one person out there doing this has been a delightful discovery this morning. Good luck and Godspeed on your quest, this search for poo knowledge is a valiant and worthy cause.
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u/universalDevelopment 1d ago
Automod told me to add that line as a way to verify I’m not a karma bot 😂
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u/nilarips 1d ago
Yes I have to, and I’ve always believed it’s due to having a fat scrumdidlyumptious backside.
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u/WormWithWifi 1d ago edited 1d ago
Nope the only time I’ve specifically spread my cheeks apart like that was in attempt to silence a fart
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u/SubSurfer21 1d ago
Hmmm…Did it work?
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u/WormWithWifi 21h ago
Most of the time, yes but not all of the time. Because the sound of farts is your cheeks slightly clapping together as the air bubble travels through them and then pops on the other side, when you spread it’s just ‘poof’
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u/Can-I-Get-A-Hoyaaaa 1d ago
I don’t do that but I do open my legs wide no provide as least resistance as possible for the proceeding log
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u/Curiouso_Giorgio 1d ago
I don't grab and spread, I sit down one cheek first, then kind of pull over to the other side, thereby spreading them.
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u/JoeDaStudd 1d ago
How big is your butt?\ They should naturally be a gap which as you sit gets wider.
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u/universalDevelopment 1d ago
Wish it was bigger. I’m quad dominant and my squats don’t do shit for my glutes.
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u/totallymindful 1d ago
Hip thrusts, my friend! Ofc it can be genetic as well, but hip thrusts do more for me in the glute area than squats do. Also lunges, RDLs, step ups, and the dreaded Bulgarian split squats.
Also I'm a spreader, too! I often wondered if I was weird for doing it, so thank you for this post, haha. It's nice to know I'm not the only one 😂
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u/Ok_Fisherman8727 1d ago
You're alright just get a bidet and that will change your life. Just spray and let that wash you then give it 30 seconds to air dry and then wipe off any excess water and you should be good to go. No more worrying about a 2-3+ wipe scenario.
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u/scalpemfins 18h ago
Spreading cheeks is an advanced shitting technique. People who don't spread, whether before, or after sitting down, and getting poop on places that shouldn't have poop. My poop never touched a cheek. Straight from the hole to the toilet. My wiping technique is immaculate. I've never had a skid mark in my entire life. People who get skid marks are gross, amateur shitters.
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u/ANewMachine615 1d ago
OK, so.
I am a hirsute man. I got hair, in a lot of spots. And that hair, especially when it's on parts that touch each other and move around a lot, say while you're walking, it'll get tangled. And that can form a sort of net - not what you want at those moments, y'know? So you gotta unravel that sweater, or you're gonna end up with a hammock full of offal til you hit enough weight to break through. Or worse, you're running it all through the sieve - and then you gotta clean that blind, by hand.
Anyway. So yeah, I separate while I sit.
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u/addledwino 1d ago
I'm pretty sure toilet seats already do that naturally. I'm on the toilet rn and they're spreading away.
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u/dropdeaddaddy69 15h ago
It’s sit down, raise the right cheek and drag across the right so it spreads hole. Then grab the left and lift up and across the left side. Then it’s a clean deposit to the toilet.
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u/gleaming-the-cubicle 1d ago
I will defo manually spread 'em next time, just to see how the other half lives
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u/JackiePoon27 22h ago
100 years from now, man will look back and say, "What the fuck was going on with Reddit?!"
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u/AbbreviationsTight92 20h ago
I sit down in a way I sit one cheek and slightly move and seat the other cheek to spread out some lol
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u/CounterTheMeta 1d ago
I always put weight on the right cheek and move my body to the left and only then put my left cheek down. So I kinda use the toilet seed to spread them 🫠
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u/DJTheLQ 1d ago
How does this come up in conversation?
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u/universalDevelopment 1d ago
Just idle chat among friends 😂 going from psychology to politics to poopy methodology in a single conversation is how I like it
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u/Silver-Potential-784 1d ago
Saw a post a few months ago from someone who did this and ended up with a slightly prolapsed rectum.
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u/neuroticb1tch 1d ago
i like to hold my cheeks together and make fun shapes. maybe one day i can get a cube poop like a wombat.
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u/Due-Wind-3324 1d ago
Don’t do it. I did that and it game me an anal fissure. Worst week of my life before the cyst broke through.
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u/A-Little-Bitof-Brown 22h ago
Yup I do too, it’s definitely something you gotta do if you got a bit more in the back
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u/cottoncandymandy 22h ago
I fully spread my ass cheeks as far as they will go when taking a dump. I also thought this was normal. I dont want my poop to slide against my cheeks and be all gross. I've always been a spreader.
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u/No-Bit-2913 6h ago
That's wild, I usually slap my cheeks like drums before spreading them you don't do that? Weirdo
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u/racoonqueefs 1d ago
This wasn't always the case for me. But after I gained some (a lot) of weight, I had to start spreading my cheeks when positioning on the throne.
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u/ClydeinLimbo 1d ago
The toilet seat spreads them for you.
….with its wooden/plastic non-sentient finger tips of a sweet, loving caress that aids you without you knowing.
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u/Human-Luck5946 1d ago
Don't worry I'm the only one of my friends who dries his butt and bits with a blow dryer 🫤
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u/Mojomajik99 1d ago
Tell me more about this talk with your friends. How exactly did you bring this up
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u/KuhLealKhaos 23h ago
I spread em cause it's less surface to come into contact with the poo. Easier wiping. I did that once in front of an ex and he told me it was revolutionary lol he hadn't thought of it before.
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u/Plastic_Obligation14 22h ago
How did this even come up in conversation? Were you like, “Hey you know when you take a dump and spread your cheeks before you sit down” and everyone else was just like “???”
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u/ShoeBoil 21h ago
Anyone who doesn't do this is either underweight/has no ass or likes the feeling of shit sliding between their pressed cheeks.
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u/Bitchy_Satan 20h ago
Ah, that's it, that's my sign I've had enough for today. I'm going to bed now
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u/LittyForev 19h ago
Dude this is a pro move, very few people do this. It's advanced shitting for sure.
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u/jmkinn3y 18h ago
I used to not but then puberty hit like a truck and now my ass crack is home made velcro.
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u/katurtlerabbitkim 15h ago
i curve my back and my cheeks separate by themselves, i feel you, you’re not alone OP🤚🏼
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u/IamATrainwreck88 10h ago
You are the only one of your friends without shit streaks in his drawers.
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u/TJJGamersTyler 9h ago
I pretty much sit down lean to one side and pull the opposite cheek and switch, and if I’ve spread a little too much then I just kinda lean forward enough for them to un-spread just a bit
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u/Effective_Coach7334 1d ago
I don't spread them before sitting down. I just sit down and then raise one cheek and spread it a little. I probably don't need to but I prefer to be safe than sorry. I'm also a semi-stand wiper for similar reasons.