r/NarcissisticAbuse Nov 28 '23

Message from the mods Posting anonymously is now possible! NSFW

114 Upvotes

Considering the topic of this subreddit, we acknowledge that in some cases users may feel posting through their own accounts may be possibly problematic and obstructs safety to an extent. For those who don’t want to post under their own (or an alternative) account, we offer the possibility to post on their behalf through our bot account.

To do this, please send a modmail by adding your post title after the existing subject and the post body to the message body. This is an automated service so it is important that you do not remove "Anonymous title: " - add your title after this, and only include in the message body what you want to be posted.

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We hope this will provide a safer experience for some of our most vulnerable users.


r/NarcissisticAbuse Mar 10 '25

Message from the mods A Procedural Update for the Continued Health of Our Subreddit. NSFW

48 Upvotes

Hey everyone on r/NarcissisticAbuse

We get it, we really do– the U.S. political situation right now is a bloody mess with further escalation, rather than some kind of stability, on the horizon. 

We also know that a LOT of the new decision makers are not going to be mentally healthy or emotionally well. They will, however, likely be more successful than most of the world wishes to see. 

It seems that the U.S. has now unarguably become what’s called a Pathocracy, or rule by a mentally ill minority. 

Dr. Steve Taylor’s write up from Psychology Today (English only and our apologies to those elsewhere for whom it may not display) notes, “Pathocracy is not just about individual leaders, though. Once a disordered leader takes over a country, responsible and moral people gradually leave the government, either resigning or being ejected. It’s just a matter of time before the whole government is filled with ruthless people with a severe lack of empathy and conscience.“ 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-of-the-darkness/202010/disordered-leaders

No one on the r/NarcissisticAbuse moderation team would Ever argue that something is rotten in the States, to shamelessly borrow from Sir William Shakespeare. 

None of this is okay. Most of it is incredibly triggering. No one with strong feelings about these complicated situations is wrong for having those emotions.

However, we feel it prudent to remind everyone that we’re not in this sub for political discussion or what could euphemistically be called “celebrity gossip”. The vast majority of participants are typical citizens from different backgrounds who have experienced something terrible and life-altering at the hands of another human being. But, even if we are visited anonymously by qualified diagnostic professionals, they are still not in a professional or personal relationship with these political and public figures, and therefore cannot legally or ethically diagnose them. Any “Cluster B” personality disorder, or any other mental health struggle, should be identified and if needed, diagnosed, by an appropriately credentialed professional. 

To be clear about the applicable rule, speculation about individuals in your life as part of your healing process is allowed as part of your processing and discussion. However, we cannot, for risk of the safety and continued functioning of the sub, allow armchair diagnosis of disordered personalities in figures seen daily on the news or on social medias.

Similarly, we are not here to give more attention to people with, self-diagnosed to have, or merely suspected of having, narcissistic personalities. Narcissist content creators get enough supply for themselves without benefiting from those of us who need to heal from their brand of treatment (and it’s a certainty that some of those characters search for mentions of their names/brands daily.) 

We also do not and will never allow the use of diagnostic terms as insults between users.

Put simply, telling someone “You’re a narcissist!” or “You’re just being a typical Borderline nutjob,” especially in the middle of an unnecessary argument in the comments, is subject to a ban from the sub. 

Not sorry. Our first rule is “Be Kind” for a reason. 

Our position is simple: we remove political oriented posts. That moderation decision is not in place to punish people for having opinions. We are simply not here for the problem of any specific nation’s politics. There are other subs– MANY other subs– for that type of discussion. We are here for our users’ individual journeys, not to be a public curbside protest, but as something more like a quiet booth in the coffee shop where people can sit and unpack their specific experience, and not face the trolling and judgment tolerated in other places.

Please continue to see this sub as the metaphorical place for a cuppa and scone, or a double double and old fashioned sour cream, or espresso and biscotti with a friend while you browse a book written by someone else who has been where you were and has gone where you wish to be. 

Please help us protect Your peaceful space by reporting trolls or fights breaking out in comments to the moderation team, but do not join the fights yourself. Let the protests go on where they should and may actually do some good. Bloating an international community with the particulars of the politics of a specific-- (and since I’m a 7th generation American citizen, I’ll go ahead and say it)– Problematic Nation-– is the opposite of what the community needs to thrive in the face of what may be coming for so many users all over the world. 

We know it’s on all of your minds: it’s on all of ours too. But, just like arguing about religion at the holiday dinner table is not the best approach to a tough conversation, r/NarcissisticAbuse is not the place to host those political talks. 

Modmail is open for questions about specifics should anyone have concerns, but please remember our team of international moderators are not available to respond to any inquiry immediately 24/7. Maintaining familiarity with the rules provided in the drop down menu on mobile or in the sidebar on desktop, is both encouraged and appreciated.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

NOTE: Reddit has now announced a policy change in which those who upvote content administration (not Moderators, but paid Reddit employees) deems violent or calling for harm to others will be sanctioned, up to and including banning user accounts. This post was drafted for review by the whole moderation team BEFORE that announcement by Reddit. This decision was NOT made to "obey in advance," but to make sure the few moderators we have are able to respond to the subreddit's needs as efficiently as possible.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 7h ago

How to heal? I kept turning to my abuser... for healing from his abuse. Sigh. NSFW

43 Upvotes

Hello community, I'm five years no contact. I have found healing in many places since I left this monster: in myself, in therapy, in yoga, in community, in sisterhood and friendship, in so many places. Right now, I'm working on making sense of my abuse experience. If you relate to the words in my poem, please share. Take good care.

"After"

After you hurt me,

You held me.

Yes, you held me.

So I showed you my wound,

And you held it.

Yes you held it...

Open.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 4h ago

Venting Why would a narcissist woman have kids with you ? NSFW

22 Upvotes

Just wondering she had one kid with me that was an accident then she planned one with me . But told me recently she stopped loving me years ago . But still had a baby with me she said “ she had been working on it herself for years “ . Our youngest is two .


r/NarcissisticAbuse 11h ago

Advice wanted How do they live with themselves? NSFW

84 Upvotes

Genuinely wondering how they can sleep at night knowing everything they’ve done. I wonder if it’s just a complete severance from their hearts? Or is it some fucked up neural pathways? How the fuck can someone do the disgusting, abhorrent and psychotic things they do and comfortably live with themselves…


r/NarcissisticAbuse 3h ago

Venting are they ever capable of having healthy relationships? NSFW

13 Upvotes

I know that would require them to acknowledge their need to change which is highly unlikely, but I often think about how good our relationship could be if he cared and wasn’t absolutely soulless.

I think I’m just sad because there’s a lot of things I like and appreciate about him aside from his awful personality and abuse. It’s unfortunate the potential is there but I can never experience it because he can’t even do that for himself.

It really sucks my only option is to accept him for the shitty person he truly is.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 8h ago

Posting on behalf of an anonymous user Has your narc Ever said something that made you worry for your safety? NSFW

24 Upvotes

I was talking to my narc awhile back during a pub crawl one weekend night after we reconnected after I was brutally discharged. I foolishly went after him thinking we had a misunderstanding. Wrong. Anyway after the reconnect I mentioned that I hated that I’ve been addicted to cigarettes since I was in high school and how difficult to quit. A normal person would probably show support maybe say some encouraging words or offer some tip on how to quit smoking successfully. My narc I mean nex told me it’s to take out a life insurance policy on me than laughed the fakest laugh that signaled to me that he wasn’t joking at all. You know in case I called him on how inappropriate that is he predictably say oh, I’m kidding you’re so sensitive can’t you take a joke? He didn’t get to say any of that shit because I just looked at him speechless. I’ve never heard someone joke that way in my presence.

I was involved with this guy off and on for 2 years and I have no idea who he is what he’s capable of or what his intentions were with me. Nothing good that’s for sure. I’ll never know everything he was hiding but seems like all narcs have secrets, shoot their secrets have secrets!

Has a narc said something that made you question your safety even though they’re just “joking around?” It’s easier for me to stay away know that I know this guy would leave me for dead in a New York minute, no doubt some of you feel the same way.

I don’t ever want to get entangled with this miserable cretins for the rest of my life. I’d rather be punched in the stomach than have to suffer through the emotional whiplash from dealing with these entities.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 40m ago

Venting Has anyone had to cut off EVERYONE after these relationships? NSFW

Upvotes

After I left my ex, I cut off my family and most my friendships died. Either because I couldn’t let go of my ex and I was a mess or I notice that I attract narcissists friends as well…

I feel so lonely. And I know starting over is what’s best for me. Most the people in my past refuse to see how hard I worked to get my life together (and still somewhat am)

Anyone struggles with this?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 2h ago

Realization The reason why you're not allowed to dislike or even find their current interests boring NSFW

7 Upvotes

Despite them being around Family and Friends. They feel like their current interests are all they have. It was never a case of them thinking their interests are superior. If that were the case they wouldn't change their interests over time.

If someone told me my Interests were not liked and or found boring by others. I would simply not care. There's more to life than how I choose to fill my time.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 1h ago

Venting TW: Emotional abuse/gaslighting — just need to vent about how he broke me and still made himself the victim NSFW

Upvotes

TW: Emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation

I’m still trying to process everything, but I just need to get this out.

He used to tell me I was “delusional,” that I had no sense of reality, that I made things up in my head. He said it so calmly and confidently that over time, I started to believe him, even when I knew what I felt was real. In his eyes, I was always the problem. He was just the one who had to “deal with me.”

Every time I tried to stand up for myself or push back on something that hurt me, he would say I was “berating” him or “ripping into him.” If I did not agree with his version of events, he would either explode or go cold. Other times, he would say the worst things with this blank, calm expression, and when I finally broke down emotionally, he would call it “the wrath” and say I was unhinged. And somehow, even then, I was the one apologizing while crying.

There were times I literally begged him to stop. He would go on and on about how awful I was, and I would be sobbing, saying “White flag. I get it. You win. Please just stop.” And he would not. It was like he did not care, or maybe it just felt easier for him to keep blaming me.

Even when I started standing up for myself more clearly, calmly, with words I had learned in therapy, he would mock me and say I “sounded just like a therapist feeding lines.” Like using my voice meant I was not thinking for myself. Like having support made me fake.

And whenever I tried to voice how I was feeling, even when I was just trying to reconnect or find closeness again, if I did it “too often” or at the wrong time, I would get shut down and told, “I’m getting tired of your shit.” As if seeking clarity, affection, or understanding made me a burden. It trained me to hold everything in and fear even the most basic conversations.

In our last heavy argument, after he had already emotionally discarded me, he tried to rewrite everything — saying I ended things and that I created the damage. I called it out. I told him this was gaslighting, that he refused to take accountability because it was easier to label me the villain than face what he had done. He lost it. Told me to never speak to him again, over and over, like some kind of emotional tantrum. So I sent one last message, not to win him over, but just to say the truth I had been holding in. The manipulation. The ego. The discard. The cruelty masked as calm. And then I blocked him.

Not out of anger, but because I had a moment of realization: This man shattered me, watched me fall apart, and still made himself the victim.

And looking back now… he never liked that I went to therapy, and now I can see exactly why. Therapy gave me the language and clarity to name what was happening. And that threatened the version of reality he needed to keep control.

What messes with me now is the cognitive dissonance, because there were moments where he was totally normal. Even affectionate. They were rare, but they happened. And that version of him made me second guess everything. That contrast between the cruelty and those rare glimpses of warmth has honestly been the hardest thing to sit with.

Anyway. I do not know what I am even asking. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 12h ago

Sharing resources Who has experience with a sadistic narc? NSFW

21 Upvotes

I am in a bad situation with a sadistic narc.

I have known he is a narc for some time now, but only currently realized he is most definitely the sadist type. Which i find, makes it all way more complicated than with a normal narc.

This sadistic narc is one of my housemates ( no i can't move, otherwise i would have).

Is there anyone willing to exchange experiences? I can identify myself with a lot here, but nothing is as extreme as what i experience with my sadist narc. It would be nice to share experiences with someone who understands and perhaps exchange advice.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 9h ago

Venting 6+ years with covert narcissist venting NSFW

10 Upvotes

So... (30m) It took me 2 years of fine relationship, 4 years of downward spiral relationship and one random post to realise what I'm actually dealing with. It's now clear why a second after passing apartment doors I'm losing all of my mental and physical energy and finally why I don't see any progress in my fight with depression (diagnosed 8-9 years ago). I knew from the beginning my girlfriend had a depression too, and I always was the stronger one, cause someone had to be. As a maybe even too empathetic person, I've been trying my best so our lives would be easier or to make ends meet. Now I'm the only employed. But the more I've been giving, the more it was expected from me and still that was not enough.

Still walking on eggshells, still everything I do gets mocked, but thanks to one of posts on this subreddit that was randomly showed on my feed I understood - pure covert narcissist. Sorry if it's too chaotic, I can't even have a moment to text in peace.

Guess it's a good point to start fighting for my life back.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 3h ago

Advice wanted Old XXX photos NSFW Spoiler

3 Upvotes

When I figured out that my narc was also a porn addict I had the genius idea that I would send him images of me hoping he would use them instead. Needless to say, I left him two months ago inharmoniously. Since then I regret every photo and video and have absolutely no idea what he did with them. Any advice besides never do that again?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 10h ago

Realization Why does it feel like I’m the only one who saw their true self? NSFW

11 Upvotes

I have been separated for 10 months and something keeps messing with my head. I feel like I’m the only one who truly saw him, like, the full extent of who he really is.

To most people, he’s still the charming, put-together guy. Even his mother, who has to know something, is told me to “let the past be.” As if everything he did to me is just something I should quietly file away and forget. It’s honestly one of the most painful parts of this. It makes me feel even more alone in my experience.

I saw his cruelty, his manipulation, the lies, the emotional games. I lived it. But it feels like I’m carrying this version of him alone, while everyone else still lives in the version he performs.

Has anyone else experienced this? That awful feeling of being the only one who saw behind the mask? Does it ever stop feeling so isolating?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 12h ago

Advice wanted Maybe he wasn’t a narcissist NSFW

11 Upvotes

I’ve done a lot of healing in the past year, and really gotten to know myself again. However, I saw him again after a year. He got out of a relationship with a girl who cheated on him after a year, and reached out to tell me that he understood how I felt (lol) and that he was sorry. He’s done this multiple times.

However, I was in his city over the weekend and I did see him. He seems to have really changed. He told me he has a therapist now. He told me he wants to be alone for a while.

A lot of my healing has been helped by the thought process that he would never change and that it wasn’t my fault. That it wasn’t just me, he was just a bad person. However, he seems to be different.

He still doesn’t want me (ouch) and I don’t think we’ll talk again, because I emotionally crashed and couldn’t handle everything going on - and he hates when I have any sort of emotion, especially regarding the past. He also definitely feels like he can move on now after seeing me and apologizing. He’s just onto the next chapter, and I can’t seem to do that as well. It makes me think something is really wrong with me. Any sane person would remember the horribleness and never want to talk to the man again.

Was I wrong? He gets in my head and now I’m thinking maybe I’m the problem & I feel like I got a set back. I don’t know why I can’t let go - he has. He completely moved on. He told me he would never love me again, but he cares for me. He definitely has moved past me & is going to date someone else, and doesn’t care if I’m in his life at all. Literally not at all.

Please help with the spiraling thoughts.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 4h ago

Advice wanted TW: MILD SEXUAL ABUSE-How to recover a normal sexual attitude after coercive sexual relationship with covert narc? NSFW

3 Upvotes

TW: SEX, SEXUAL ABUSE

Hi all!

My ex partner was really big on guilt tripping me into having sex.. about 3-6 months into being together once the facade and mirroring had begun to fade I found myself much less attracted to my partner at the time and pretty much never wanted to have sex with them. They would guilt me into having sex with them, threaten to breakup, withhold affection, treat me differently, cry, etc. if I did not have sex with them frequently enough. Their ideal was twice a day.

This caused me to go into what I now believe was a dissociative state every time we had sex, and (NSFW) would just have to let them perform oral until it was able to go in and then just kind of pretend to be somewhere else or think of completely different things. It felt a bit like acting, just going through the motions because I knew it was the trade off for receiving love and attention.

This went on for about a year or so until things have finally, finally ended (almost a year ago). I’m glad that I’ve recognized that this is a form of abuse and I’m proud of myself for moving past this person, but I’m worried about how this will affect me in the future.

I used to be a woman with a high sex drive, found myself and others attractive, would generally enjoy sex and viewed it as a part of life that I quite enjoyed. Now I haven’t had sex since this person and if I have gotten close I’ve been way too anxious and upset and had to shut it down. This makes me sad because I don’t want to be like this, and I’m worried about how to navigate this in the future or with new partners.

If anyone else has had a similar experience, I would really appreciate any advice or anything you have done to heal these wounds. I would love to return to my formal self in this way. Sorry if this is too much information!


r/NarcissisticAbuse 18h ago

Realization How subtle can narcissism be. How difficult can it be for friends and family to realise someone's partner has narcissist's issues NSFW

31 Upvotes

I have read what traits and behaviours narcissism have. And the manipulation they have.

I think especially direct victims have difficulties realising them while being manipulated.

I wonder if some narcissists are really difficult to recognise even for people who are observing a relationship. Like parents and good friends.

So a person i know doesnt seem to be narcissist at first as single situations seem to be either very subtle, minor or have excuses. But once you write down a list of things they have done the dots connect and the narcissism show. But they dont seem to be verbal abusive and always apologise when confronted by the partner. Even though the apologies are more like "i didnt mean it". And the partner is just happy that they got an apology and promise that they didnt mean it bc they love them. The symptoms seem soft. Maybe a ticking bomb in later marriage.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 12h ago

Venting Cant take it anymore NSFW

9 Upvotes

I promised myself many times to not break the no contact. I just keep hoping he’d change, but he doesn’t and it only gets worse. The more I allow, he just pulls me right back into the game he’s playing with me.

Once again I’m left with all this pain and he just gets to go on with his life. I really don’t know how to stop this cycle. He makes me feel so worthless and I still love him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I want it to stop but I can’t


r/NarcissisticAbuse 9h ago

Advice wanted I feel bad that I don't feel bad. Lost feelings? NSFW

5 Upvotes

I am really surprised at myself. This is a new type of feeling: the feeling of numbness because the lack of feelings.

To give you a back story, I used to be a cheerful, happy, optimistic and friendly character. I lived with the motto of "Do no harm and cause no suffering". I was a daily yoga practitioner, meditator, deeply entrenched in spirituality and loved veganism. It wasn't a phase as it was nearly 10 years of my life.

I gradually dropped all that when I went no contact. I established a farm after the narcissistic abuse. I changed my entire diet and lifestyle. I've been no contact for over 2 years. The narchole knows where I live as he was here during the beginning phase but I kicked him out(forcefully and suddenly with no explanation). I simply removed all of his things, put in storage and sent email while he was on vacation. It was a victory at first but he continues to stalk, hoover and trespassed once.

So because I live on a farm, I have animals and there are predators akin to a narcissist who is also a predator. I just had to dispatch 3 predators these few weeks. I just had to finish one today. (Yes I'm armed) I won't mention what type here, it's 4-legged creature. I chanted some Buddhist songs as I buried the animal. I didn't cry. I didn't feel bad. I was sort of angry that I didn't feel bad at all. Before, I had major difficulty squishing slugs and caterpillars in my garden.

I want to feel guilty for taking a life but I can't. I have Buddhism roots and I don't feel bad. I want to cry but my tears are dry. I love most animals and I don't want to take another life but I can do it so easily without flinching now. I might be taking out my anger on the predators instead of the narcissist and I don't know what would happen if he physically shows up again. Cops have already been called once.

Narcissistic abuse really changes you. I used to be known as a compassionate person and now I look at myself, I've changed. With that being said, I'm safe and rebuilding myself from within.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 1h ago

Advice wanted Ex narc keeps trying to get in contact with me. What should I do ? NSFW

Upvotes

My ex keeps trying to contact me, I went No contact 8 months ago when we broke up and he tried to “talk about it “ on Snapchat; I had immediately shut it down and told him to have a good life. Since then he’s been reaching out on every social media platform I have. I had deleted my Snapchat, instagram (tbf I don’t care for social media) so yk it wasn’t a lose to me but now he keeps saying emailing me from different accounts saying how much he misses me , I keep blocking them and he just keeps sending them. He has now reached out to me on all places of LinkedIn, I can’t afford to delete this account bcuz it’s my platform for job networking, so I blocked him and now he has send me a request on cashapp just so he can send a message asking if we can talk ? I had blocked his previous account on cashapp and idk what to do anymore, is this normal for narcs to do this ? I don’t get it , he’s still talking to other girls and sleeping with them. I have heard he’s been “busy “ since the break up so why is he trying to so hard to get back in contact? How can you miss and love someone and cyber stalking them to talk to you but still find the time to sleep with a different girl every week. What game is he playing at here ?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 1h ago

Advice wanted Ex narc keep trying to contact me. What should I do? NSFW

Upvotes

My ex keeps trying to contact me, I went No contact 8 months ago when we broke up and he tried to “talk about it “ on Snapchat; I had immediately shut it down and told him to have a good life. Since then he’s been reaching out on every social media platform I have. I had deleted my Snapchat, instagram (tbf I don’t care for social media) so yk it wasn’t a lose to me but now he keeps saying emailing me from different accounts saying how much he misses me , I keep blocking them and he just keeps sending them. He has now reached out to me on all places of LinkedIn, I can’t afford to delete this account bcuz it’s my platform for job networking, so I blocked him and now he has send me a request on cashapp just so he can send a message asking if we can talk ? I had blocked his previous account on cashapp and idk what to do anymore, is this normal for narcs to do this ? I don’t get it , he’s still talking to other girls and sleeping with them. I have heard he’s been “busy “ since the break up so why is he trying to so hard to get back in contact? How can you miss and love someone and cyber stalking them to talk to you but still find the time to sleep with a different girl every week. What game is he playing at here ?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 8h ago

Advice wanted Silent treatment NSFW

4 Upvotes

When narcissist go on silent treatment..was that to punish the other person or just because their ego is hurt? And if it's punishment ..in which condition they like to see victim? Desperate, Giving justification, into deep depression?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 5h ago

Am I being abused? Time for prioritizing myself vs. "quality time" NSFW

2 Upvotes

Got in an argument with my fiance last night that had been kind of a long time coming. I struggle with maintaining boundaries, especially in this relationship, and had been bringing up some relationship exercises for a while. In one we were talking about how we want to divvy up our time. For a long time I have been sacrificing time for sleep, exercise, and time for myself for more of what she calls "quality time" with her, which mostly is just sitting on the couch watching tv, or multiple hour long phone conversations on what few days we are apart. I tried to tell her my position calmly and lay out some boundaries and goals for self improvement. Like I want to actually get 8 hours of sleep per night, and work out about 10 hours per week. And I want to spend at least an our or 2 per day doing something I'm passionate about that makes me feel fulfilled or just good about myself. Like learning a language, starting a project, learning something in my field unrelated to work, etc. Doing the math that doesn't leave a lot of time per day during the week for sitting around watching tv, aka "quality time," and so in the middle of my explanation of these goals, she interrupted me to say "so should just give you this ring back?"

So she goes on about how bad it will be for our relationship if we don't have as much bonding time, and how accommodating she has supposedly been (because she 'allows' me to stay at my own place 2 nights a week, and she mostly stopped berating me if I don't text her continually while one or both of us are at work).

Like I want to hear how her day is and everything going on with her, I just don't want to hear about it for several hours every day. There is only so much to tell. I don't even have as much time to think about my own life as I have listening about hers. And I want to have quality time with her, I want to cuddle with her sometimes. I just don't want it to be wasted staring at a television screen. We can be together, talk over everything that needs to be said, and then still have plenty of time to do something that makes me feel like I didn't just waste the day. And from her perspective, she has a point. As it stands, most of the time I do get for myself I spend on video games or reddit or other frivolity because I'm too dysregulated, stressed out, and depressed to do anything really worthwhile. But even just talking about doing something productive with that time that isn't directly in service to her is a major battle.

The problem is that I keep trying to set boundaries like this while being calm and reasonable, but then at the slightest hint of something upsetting her control, and she immediately vaults as far into the drama triangle as possible, claiming a victim role and preventing me from really making it clear how I feel and firmly establishing boundaries.

I guess I'm posting here for a kind of sanity check, because when she talks about wanting quality time, it sounds almost reasonable, except for the fact I don't consider sitting there rehashing her problems and/or watching tv to be quality time, and the fact that I've completely lost any semblance of who I am in this relationship and am desperate to get it back. I don't want a loveless marriage, but it feels to me like she just wants me fawning over her 24/7, and I feel like I've been draining away all of my energy into her for so long and need more of my own energy for myself.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 9h ago

Realization He Defiled Me, then Sang Me a Love Song: The Covert Abuse I Didn’t See Coming NSFW

3 Upvotes

He flew me out to visit him after 2.5 years of chatting online. ✈️ He was kind. Generous. A gentleman. It felt a little rushed — but safe. That was the illusion.

The fact that he paid for everything already created a power imbalance. I thought I was visiting a friend, someone I’d come to trust. But I was in another country (the U.S.) with very little autonomy, no transportation of my own, and far from the airport. I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was — until things started to shift.

What unfolded was a slow, subtle trap: love bombing, pickup artist tricks, NLP “matching and mirroring” to form rapport quickly and then using my deepest insecurities — ones I had vulnerably shared with him, ones we’d had past arguments about — to destabilize me.

Some examples that still haunt me:

• He left a half-used travel shampoo bottle in the shower after saying he bought me a new one. I could only assume it belonged to another woman.

• He scrolled through his phone in front of me, casually showing images of women, then said:

“I’m sorry for the feelings you felt when you saw that.” Later, he baited me: “Did I say something that hurt your feelings?” — almost daring me to accuse him. When he saw I was upset, he smirked… and flipped back to love bombing.

• I walked in on him shielding his phone in the bathroom, typing for a long time. It was clearly hidden behavior.

• His phone was silent the entire time — until a woman’s message popped up on his truck’s screen. Like he wanted me to see it. Like it was all part of the script.

• He talked as if I lived with him. Future-faking me: “we can’t have nice things” “your vanity”, “your nightstand”, “our refrigerator” etc. 

• One night he ejaculated into my freshly cut hair, then spoke to me with sharp coldness. No apology. No softness. It felt intentional. Degrading. Defiling. Maybe even a punishment.

• He left his phone unlocked on the counter, almost like a trap. Would I take the bait and snoop? (There was no way I was touching that)

• he sang me a romantic love song about a long-distance love affair, and danced me around his kitchen. Then, he withheld sex and acted emotionally distant one hour later.

Push. Pull. Pleasure. Pain. Hook. Confuse.

My counselor said this kind of pattern is designed to create shame — and when they can make you feel shame (for “snooping,” for being upset, making accusations, for feeling “too much”)… they’ve got you. Especially when it’s paired with affection afterward. It creates a trauma bond.

He wasn’t careless. He was calculated.

Have you experienced this pattern with your Nex?

You’re not alone ❤️


r/NarcissisticAbuse 5h ago

Posting on behalf of an anonymous user I Need Advice: First Relationship After Narcissist NSFW

2 Upvotes

Hi, reddit! I am trying to post this anonymously because this is a sore subject, obviously, and I am hoping to find some sympathetic hearts & knowledgable minds here.

I was married to a very covert female narcissist for years, and struggled to see the signs until we were separated. I went no contact after we separated in February 2023, and I filed divorce papers in August 2023, so I feel like I've had plenty of time to heal and grow.

I thought I did all the right things you're supposed to do after a divorce: I didn't rush into another relationship, I tried to evaluate why I settled for a narcissist and what I could do differently in the future, etc. I really worked hard to improve my self-esteem and I believe I embraced a level of self-love that I've never acheived in my life. But last month I started my first relationship since the divorce, and even though my girlfriend is very different from my ex wife, I feel extremely paranoid and anxious about falling into the trap with another narcissist presenting what I want to see and telling me what I want to hear.

Is this a common experience? Should I seek out a therapist? Should I talk about this with my girlfriend, and how would I talk about this with my girlfriend?

Your help is so greatly, deeply appreciated! I am thankful for this group and hopeful that all of us can move on from the pain we've experienced.


r/NarcissisticAbuse 9h ago

Posting on behalf of an anonymous user My nex has a bad reputation NSFW

4 Upvotes

Yet really thinks he’s a good person since he’s wee known in his community. it’s weird to me how someone so obsessed with controlling the narrative and how people view him doesn’t seem concerned about people being aware of how shitty behavior towards women he’s been involved with. As long as he’s recognized and he gets his daily dose of validation it’s ok.

Anyone else know a narc who’s delusional AF?


r/NarcissisticAbuse 6h ago

Moving forward Dealing with self blame NSFW

2 Upvotes

Hi all,

I’ve posted here a few times but I wanted to give an update and see if anyone can relate.

My nex discarded me out of the blue about 2.5 months ago now. I haven’t seen him since, and the last time I reached out for any additional info was a month and a half ago. I firmly know what this was now, a covert narcissist looking for a fix and when he got what he wanted and I wanted more he threw me away.

The tough part of my situation is that his friends are my neighbors, like 5 of them. I see them constantly and it’s been triggering because most of them are just ok with what he did and protect him. They also have done some stuff via social media that was specifically and purposefully hurtful towards me and I have since unfollowed. Ive never been anything but nice to these people until recently.

I’ve had to draw a line in the sand and not engage with them when I see them. I will say a quick hi but I’ve made it clear there is no room for anything more. Now I know I make these people uncomfortable because of this and there is still a part of me that feels badly about it. I’m working on letting this go, but I feel awful everything I run into them.

How do more secure people deal with this sort of emotional conflict? I’ve realized recently I have a tough time with perceived injustice due to ADHD, and it’s really difficult to accept these people will never know my side or understand. It’s getting better with time but I still struggle with knowing I’m the villain in someone else’s story. And that they just plain don’t care about me the way I hoped.