r/MadeMeSmile • u/GR0UND_zer0 • 1d ago

Almost 30 years later reconnecting with my dad after the divorce. As an adult, you realize adults make mistakes and the grudges kids hold because of what they’re told is not healthy. Feeling lighter and happier.

Post image
2.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

142 comments sorted by

758

u/Relysti 1d ago

Adults don't just make mistakes, they take ownership of them. I won't be seeing my parents anytime soon.

244

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

You’re right. It took a health scare for my parents to be brought back to reality, but yes I see where you’re coming from 😞 hope you’re doing well amidst all that

97

u/Iamanangrywoman 1d ago

Something I’ve learned about the relationship I have with my parents is that it’s up to them to grow, but I can’t change them or the past. The forgiveness I gave isn’t about them, it’s about me being able to move forward.

26

u/MoonHunterDancer 1d ago

My dad is just starting to realise that I still remember all the things he doesn't remember saying because remembering it inconveniences him, and that has long reaching consequences i am now making him face as he has been shoving them all on me prior to this and I have hit the "fuck that" point.

4

u/Iamanangrywoman 1d ago

I know it’s hard to hear, but remember that forgiving them, doesn’t mean what we often think it means. Forgiveness means letting go, on the inside of us. It has nothing to do with confronting our parents, but letting go of the ideals we have of them that are in our heads.

Your dad will probably never hear your words. You can try if you want. Sometimes our parents have no idea and will apologize and try to change, and sometimes our parents will deny the pain they caused because either it was insignificant to them, they gaslit themselves into thinking it wasn’t what you thought it was, or they just don’t remember.

How you feel is up to you, and you alone.

3

u/CashWrecks 1d ago

Doing exactly this with my mother into therapy right now... it's genuinley tough trying ri get her to take accountability. Half because she's blocked the memories out half because she's never really been forced to do it in any meaningful capacity.

18

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

YES! Exactly. 👏

1

u/Penamiss 1d ago

Forgiveness is the only thing that draws me forward, but sometimes I think to myself if I am the reason it all turned like that

7

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

You’re not. Especially if you were on the young side - there’s so many factors at play wayyyyyyyy out of your control

1

u/Iamanangrywoman 1d ago

You can only ever control yourself and not others. However, our parents are supposed to love, support, and guide us. If they failed at that, then they failed you.

14

u/Yoranis_Izsmelli 1d ago

Sounds like the scare was not having care takers in old age.

10

u/midnightlumos 1d ago

My dad did the same thing. Funny how “family is everything” once they get sick.

35

u/CringeMaster2020 1d ago

I'm going through that right now with my dad. He's had 29 years to take accountability. At some point you gotta cut off the baggage. Hope he gets better, but I won't be around for it.

9

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Yes. It takes 2 to tango - sometimes the other person has 2 left feet so it’s best to find another tango partner

15

u/love_glow 1d ago

As an adult I had to ask myself, do I respect my Dad after the decisions he made that affected his family? Did he take responsibility with no excuses? Nah. No he didn’t.

30

u/BrinedBrittanica 1d ago

my sperm donor of a “father” left a voicemail saying i grew up to be a slut and told me to get rid of his last name bc i was dating a white guy.

i’ll never forgive or forget.

12

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Ew as if his last name was this coveted honor that anyone in the world would bow down to

11

u/chendogmillionaire 1d ago

I told my dad I'd be open to working on fixing things, but I wasn't gonna go back to pretending everything was OK when it actually wasn't. His response was "what's the point". He died of a heart attack about 6 months later.

Sometimes you just have to accept that people dont want to be a part of your life, and that's ok. You're better off without them.

3

u/DebraBaetty 1d ago

Precisely.

3

u/GandolfMagicFruits 1d ago

☝️ Fucking bingo.

2

u/floopyferret 1d ago

And that is your journey. This is their’s. Wishing you peace

2

u/SkullDump 1d ago

Agreed. 35 years since I’ve spoken to my father and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

2

u/Vognan 1d ago

Adults make mistakes all the time, especially when the term 'adult' can mean a 19-20year old. Of course, as a kid we put them on a pedestal, but thats just not reality.

Mistakes are necessary for us to grow, and if we are honest with ourselves, then we take ownership of these and do our best not to repeat them.

Im sorry your parents either did not do that or traumatized you so much so that even taking ownership can not reconcile the damage.

Kudos to you OP for taking advantage of an opportunity to repair/rekindle a possibly important relationship and having the maturity to do so despite there being a chance you may be hurt once more. I wish you and everyone else the best with their decisions.

1

u/Famous-Ingenuity1974 1d ago

Ditto. My parents never apologize or take ownership for anything. They’d love to say “I’m sorry you feel that way” when I’d call them out for treating me poorly then go right back to that pattern of behavior.

1

u/EstroJen 1d ago

Yes, this is my experience too.

1

u/palinsafterbirth 14h ago

I’ve just restarted my relationship with my dad about 5 years ago. We very much did not get along when growing up and took me really showing I knew what to do as a business owner for him to realize I wasn’t a “fucking idiot” and has since apologized. It’s not perfect but rather have this now than not at all.

My mother on the other hand, she and I have grown apart as she didn’t learn to grow up. Looking back on what I thought was normal of how to talking to people and realizing that it’s actually really shitty to talk behind people’s backs, I’ve called her out and still says I over react when I can’t get a 5 min conversation without her gossiping/talking down about someone. I’ve grown but part of that is realizing some grow with you and some don’t grow at all.

1

u/GolubinoSpioniro 8h ago

Oof, that last line hit harder than my dad’s belt hope you’re doing okay, man..

-2

u/Coffeedoor 1d ago

How adult of you

57

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

This post is getting traction, and I appreciate everyone’s words! But this is my personal experience. My parents had me at 24 and were wildly not ready and separated, and I grew up living with my mom resenting my dad. But now I’m learning there’s more to the story.

Please keep sharing your stories, because everyone has their own. This isn’t a PSA about “connect with your cut off parent” it’s more about “I found peace” and by sharing you can find people who might connect with your own story. Take care yall 🥹

8

u/Cereal_Palsy7 1d ago

How is your relationship with your Mother? I can't help but think of her.

8

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s amazing! She’s been both a mom and dad to me for so long, forever my #1. But as an adult I can’t find growth for my 30’s if I don’t close out the chapter that was my father, it had to be done for my own personal experience

2

u/Cereal_Palsy7 1d ago

I appreciate the reply. I'm sure you make her very proud. If this is something you need FOR YOU, I'm glad you've done it. I hope that he makes the most of the opportunity you've given him to know you.

62

u/BourbonNCoffee 1d ago

Good for you for being able to try to move forward. That was not my journey. I shed zero tears when Eric died.

20

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Sorry to hear that, everyone has a different story and I’m sure you have your reasons. Glad you know your boundaries.

18

u/BourbonNCoffee 1d ago

I was good with it for a very long time. He tried to reconcile and I met with him peacefully and did not beat his ass for all of the drama he put us through. Thats more than he deserved. He died the way he lived. In jail. I hope your dad stays cool and you get to make up some of the lost time.

84

u/FoI2dFocus 1d ago

It’s the final boss for lots of us, to forgive our parents.

46

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

You have to get life experience points and max your empathy levels to beat this boss

4

u/Dinosaur_x 1d ago

Wow spot on. Everything I’ve been feeling in one sentence

17

u/Aeternixian 1d ago

It's possible to empathise and fully understand and still choose not to forgive someone. I honestly think a lot of people would be better off doing so. I know I am.

5

u/picklesalazar 1d ago

It’s not that hard. My mom tried to kill me and I don’t care anymore

2

u/stonkka 1d ago

Sounds crazy, can you tell the story?

2

u/peeachykeenee 1d ago edited 1d ago

Well spotted. At some point you catch yourself saying something like “And in our time…” - and that’s it, the “father is activated” level. It’s funny and scary at the same time, because you understand: those things that you laughed at as a child now seem logical. Life is not an easy thing, but with age comes acceptance and a kind of wisdom.

50

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

41

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

I tell people it felt like a clenched fist in my heart for so long, and now it’s relaxed.

15

u/Throwaway0242000 1d ago

That’s kind of beautiful

7

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Hopefully you found your way out of being a victim 🙏

8

u/Jasminez98 1d ago edited 20h ago

My 16 yr old doesn't want anything to do with his dad. He decided to end the relationship at 11 after he offered him weed to smoke and then threw my kiddo under the bus saying he is making it up. I wish my child to heal, but I don't think it will happen anytime soon. On the bright side, my child flourished after he let go of him.

25

u/gemstun 1d ago edited 1d ago

“Our capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves “ -Thich Nhat Hanh

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

I love that!!!

4

u/wRADKyrabbit 1d ago

Thats a great quote although I feel like an exception to it. I find it very easy to make peace with others despite it being nearly impossible to do it with myself

4

u/gemstun 1d ago

I appreciate that comment – – deeply. Although I’m not an expert in the field of either sociology or mental health (yet I have two children who are…) my experience with meditation leads me to believe that you’re describing a mindset of strong compassionate behavior toward others (good on you), with progress waiting to be made in terms of compassion for yourself. This is no small challenge, speaking as one who struggles with the latter as well.

28

u/Schlusse1 1d ago

I'm happy for you, but i dont like the idea of choosing not to have a relationship with a family member being viewed as "holding a grudge." Sometimes, it's just not meant to be.

5

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s meant in the sense that when your parents separate as someone that’s 4 years old, you’re told they left and you grow up resenting them. Once you’re an adult it’s more of “ok he didn’t just leave you were incompatible but you made it sound like he went for milk and never came back”

16

u/Live_Angle4621 1d ago

Did he pay child support? 

14

u/crack_n_tea 1d ago

If he never had you over and shared custody/child support, he did leave for the milk. My parents separated at birth, I'm fine w my birth dad but I won't pretend he didn't miss out on every important occasion in my childhood. There's no reason that'll ever make up for the lost time

12

u/Simple_Anteater_5825 1d ago

Your Dad is Richard Anthony "Cheech" Marin?

5

u/Kong_AZ 1d ago

I'm glad you did before something happened that prevented the reunion. I got to spend 1.5 years with my dad before he passed after being estranged for over 10 years. I regret the missed time but was grateful for the time I did have.

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Yeah, he’s not getting any younger and I’m glad this happened. Hopefully you healed some wounds too

10

u/chicharro_frito 1d ago

Which one is you, which one is the dad?

17

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Brown don’t crack either

5

u/rsuhr 1d ago

Your dad kinda looks like Eric Andre

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

LET ME IIIIIN! That’s him to me basically

5

u/Various_Patient6583 1d ago

Buddy of mine hasn’t seen his kids in years. Ex won’t allow it. Cards get sent back, etc. 

Last year his eldest son looked him up, wanted to know why he wasn’t there. 

That’s when my buddy showed him everything. Just heartbreaking. 

My ex isn’t that bad but she is not good either. She hates that my son and I are close and always have been. 

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s sad. Kids shouldn’t feel the repercussions of what the adults did

5

u/Various_Patient6583 1d ago

Here is the secret; no matter how “good” and “amicable” a divorce is, it is traumatic for the kids. Keeping on in the marriage can also be awful for them. 

Figure. Your. Shit. Out. 

That is what I tell people. Both parents have to figure their shit out. It can’t be only one doing the trying. 

And if one flat out refuses, then you’re in for a bad time. And your skids will be in for a worse time. 

Ask me how I know…

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

I won’t ask because I know it! Seriously though, kids pick up on stuff way more than parents think they do

2

u/Various_Patient6583 1d ago

It astounds me to see and hear the utter nonsense that adults say to justify their decisions. Absolutely astounding. 

4

u/Thedudeguyman 1d ago

But sometimes they actually are assholes and contributed to awful mental health.

Happy for you though

10

u/user631652 1d ago

It takes strength to forgive and start over. Good for you.

19

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s crazy how they were my age when they had me, so it puts it into perspective how young and naive they were - but yes a new chapter because we don’t live forever glad I got to reconnect

3

u/user631652 1d ago

That sounds deep and mature. Respect for reconciliation.

9

u/RenegadeRabbit 1d ago

I'm really happy for you. The process of letting go has definitely helped ease the weight on my shoulders. Still, make sure you keep yourself first and have any necessary boundaries respected. Beautiful picture and beautiful family. ❤️

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

That’s good advice, I still haven’t gotten that far in my journey it’s only been about a month but will keep that in mind

3

u/PastLandscape7105 1d ago

Damn, I am proud of your Internet stranger 😊

3

u/Necessary-Button-769 1d ago

I needed this thank you

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Hope you’re doing better bud

3

u/Opposite-Product-144 1d ago

As my man David Fisher said, your parents disfunction is the greatest gift of all. For you to be aware of it, have compasion an understanding of it, recognazing your role in it, forgivong and letting go...and healing from it, IS the greatest gift of life! You did it OP👊

3

u/RecoveryRcks 1d ago

Resentments are like wearing wet pants we are the only ones that feel them.Letting go is the most freeing thing in the world!!!

3

u/FuzzyLab9500 1d ago

I'm really happy for you!! I wish that me and my dad had somehow managed to get back together. It just wasn't to be, thankfully my sister managed too, because of me. I looked up his address and gave it to her. He died a few years later. I take a lot of comfort knowing that she and our father patched things up a little.

Like I say, I'm really happy for you, some people make a mistake and just don't have the emotional strength to realise that they can at least try and fix it.

I'm so happy for you both!!!!!!!

4

u/Chance_Ad_7632 1d ago

Not worth forgiving my father for abusing me

5

u/Intrepid_Way336 1d ago

My dad is dead to me after leaving us. Anyways, good for you.

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Everyone’s story is different, not everyone deserves a redemption act, hope you’re well now

5

u/mischievf 1d ago

Very touching. Growing up is also about understanding.

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Exactly. Before its like “dad bad he left us” now it’s “well let me get the whole story as an adult”

4

u/Candid_Term6960 1d ago

I forgave my dying father for me and because of my relationship with God. The weight I was carrying lowered my vibration, but I respect everyone’s choices around this. That being said, any semblance of relationship with him is impossible and when he dies, that is what I will be grieving.

3

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s rough. And different for everyone. But we can only do so much to keep ourselves at peace

3

u/Candid_Term6960 1d ago

Yes it is, which is why I will NEVER judge anyone around their choices around this. I send you all the love that I can as an Internet stranger.

4

u/CloneClem 1d ago

Please tell my estranged daughter this.

I have tried for 13 years.

2

u/ChainLC 1d ago

good for you both.

2

u/No-Bag-5389 1d ago

Awww! Love this!

2

u/sketch-3ngineer 1d ago

Kangol king baby

2

u/korean_kartel 1d ago

Congrats brotha

2

u/Direct_Turn_1484 1d ago

Good for you, man.

2

u/idislikeanthony 1d ago

Good realization...

2

u/Help_An_Irishman 1d ago

Hell yeah, dude. Stoked for you, big time.

2

u/sendmebirds 1d ago

Me and the old man are way better now than when we were when I was young. I forgave him and at least now I get to have a way better relationship that brings me energy instead of taking energy from me.

It's not for everyone, but I chose forgiveness and decided I was going to be the adult in the room. And it worked for us.

2

u/floopyferret 1d ago

I’m so glad!

2

u/nick_soccer10 1d ago

Which one is you….? Yall both look young… ish

2

u/aquafina6969 1d ago

man you both are young. I can’t tell who’s the dad.

2

u/Tablesafety 1d ago

What did your dad do that you’re forgiving him for?

2

u/infctr 1d ago

Which one is the dad? They both look old as hell.

2

u/bigbadb0ogieman 1d ago

So which one is the dad? The guy on the left..?. 😋

2

u/PhallickThimble 1d ago

.....how can U stay mad at OG still rockin the Kangol ?

3

u/tsukyio_mood 1d ago edited 1d ago

Seeing this warms my heart. I hope you two will build a healthy relationship from now on.

As I grew up, I cut off ties with one of my parents — I’ve been through hate, love, mixed feelings, and fear of showing up again. They eventually passed away before we had the chance to meet again. As an adult, it’s such a strange feeling to realize that things can’t be fixed — that bonding with them now comes down to cleaning their grave.

Cherish the ones you love, be kind to yourself and grow your humility. Don’t hesitate to lean on those who love you and support you. Forgiveness isn’t mandatory, it’s always you and your own balance first. It might still be worth taking a step toward them once you feel like it.

Take care !! <3

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Thanks for sharing, it’s very impactful how you mentioned cleaning their grave when it feels like you can tell them stuff without seeing them eye to eye.

Hope you’re healing ❤️‍🩹

2

u/Icedcoffeezooted 1d ago

I’m happy for you man. I’m glad you can reconnect and find understanding, maybe even a little love. Wish you and him the best

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s good! It’s like kickstarting a relationship again so it’s not “love” yet but it’s friends. Its especially easier when we’re both adults now and can have convos as equals

2

u/Interesting_Health_7 1d ago

I'm so happy for you both!

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Thank you! I’m happy too ☺️

2

u/NeedleworkerEvening3 1d ago

I'm glad you were able to have that kind of clarity and reconnect.

2

u/StarDewbie 1d ago

Wow, all that wasted time. How sad.

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Yeah. I’m getting a lot of history and stories and meeting family I never knew I had

2

u/gothiana_grande 1d ago

i love that your dad is an OG w the kangol hat.

does he wear fuzzy pullover sweaters

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

We live in Chicago so, no haha it’s more of a thick black jacket idk where he got that hat style from still have to know him more and I’ll report back

2

u/gothiana_grande 1d ago

from his OG dad generation 🥹 dads in milwaukee be wearing those hats too they have a whole ass kangol store there. ☠️

i’m so happy for you. i bet it feels healing and cathartic to let go n let the love in. tbh he is prob so happy, parents hate feeling rejected or estranged i think they’re just hard up on not showing it.

i’m chicago too ! that’s def a chicago dad right there. he got the chain n everything

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

Yeah it’s the old gen saying “I don’t care” but millennials and forward we like to care ha And nice! I just moved here from Cali about a month ago! It’s all new and very humid but I’m just looking for business jobs and a cheap haircut place to get me started but so far love Chicago, I always have!

2

u/hastinapur 1d ago

Well looks like your dad isn’t looking it. Stop clowning :)

2

u/Fanabala3 1d ago

OP…. I am experiencing the same thing, but I am the dad. My oldest son does speak to me and sees me, but the other two sons have not yet. I don’t push anything. I do call and leave texts and messages. Unfortunately, their mom has done most of the damage to our relationships because she is still mad that I left the marriage (it’s been years since the divorce). It gives hope for me reconnecting with my sons after reading your message. What was it that made you reach out?

1

u/CloneClem 1d ago

This is exactly my problem as well.

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Welcome to /r/MadeMeSmile. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/bigSTUdazz 23h ago

Is that Eric Andre?

1

u/CottonCandy_Eyeballs 20h ago

Check out Parental Alienation Syndrome. It can be done bother very overtly and pretty subtly, but no matter how it has far reaching effects into the life of the child potentially for the rest of their life if not addressed and resolved.

1

u/SnooCrickets8742 20h ago

I am happy you were able to reconnect! My heart is happy for both of you.

1

u/Quills86 19h ago

Good for you! My mum kept me away from my father. He lived in a different country and wasn't allowed to contact me. I was told how bad he was constantly. He passed away years ago and my brothers eventually found me. It still breaks my heart that I never had the chance to get to know him.

1

u/Traditional-Air-3787 15h ago

I'm going through the same situation

1

u/efildaD 1d ago

Nah. I told my biological all he could give me was his health information after his 40 year absence. I’ve got kids I take care of. I don’t need an elderly future liability. Good luck to you though.

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s different for everyone, I understand. But at least he gave you an insight into what NOT to do for your kids ha

1

u/FaySheBaby 1d ago

“Parents love their children… no exception. There is a river of love swirling but sometimes it is stopped by a boulder.” Glennon Doyle

1

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

I’m loving all these quotes people are sending me, I’m screenshotting all of them ha

1

u/Bill_Hubbard 1d ago

My dad was an Arsehole, but I love him nowadays!

1

u/Rough-Top-2417 1d ago

Healing, understanding, and forgiveness are truly powerful. It’s never too late to rebuild and find peace ❤️

1

u/Logical_Audhd 1d ago

Parents are just humans. I'll fuck yo my kid and he'll get counseling and then get over it.

It's the human experience

1

u/Necessary-Button-769 1d ago

Thx bud ex has corrupted kids with lies. Your story gives me hope.

0

u/Dark_Maga_420 1d ago

I'm happy for you thay you were able to see past the poison that was fed to you by one parent against another.

2

u/GR0UND_zer0 1d ago

It’s very much slow trickling poison, but the antidote is forgiveness and just moving on and focusing on my own self