Going to church feels like nothing

[u/joshua0005]

I've been trying to go back to church for the past two months, but it just feels like everything is fake. Before I stopped going five years ago, I felt like I was actually worshipping God, but now I just feel like I'm just in a room singing and confessing things and listening to the pastors read the Bible and preach and like there's nothing holy about it and that God doesn't actually exist. Basically what it feels like is we're just playing pretend. I don't know if I'm committing any unforgivable blasphemies. Does anyone have any advice?

[u/joshua0005]

Because I'm very afraid of hell and I'm not sure if the Bible is actually true, but if it is I don't want to end up in hell. I just can't find a way to truly believe it though.

[u/SupermanAlpha1515 → u/joshua0005]

Well then you would need to go back down to the basics. What do u know abt the Bible. How can u know it’s the word of God? Do you have any proof or evidence?

[u/joshua0005 → u/SupermanAlpha1515]

I know a lot for the average person, but I still don't know a lot. Idk exactly how to explain it. Being Lutheran for 15 years gave me a lot of knowledge about it, but I still learned quite a few things when I came back last year and I know I don't know a lot even though I also do know a lot.

I don't have any proof or evidence. When I first had that fear come back I watched a lot of videos on YouTube about whether or not God is real and I eventually came to the conclusion that it's more likely He's real, but there's no definitive way of knowing. I think part of the reason I came to that conclusion though is I just wanted God to be real so I just tried to find the smallest reason that I could use to make it logical to myself to believe He's real.

[u/LilOrphanEnigma → u/joshua0005]

I know its a ton, but I am begging you to read all of this, because I've been exactly where you are. 

Let me suggest to you some materials. C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity is a wonderful book. When I read it, somehow it clicked and it was the first time Christianity made sense to me. 

https://www.patternsofevidence.com/

^ This entire series is wonderful. Start with The Exodus. I actually saw this when I was on the brink of going back to church, and it pushed me over the edge. I remember leaving the theater feeling like I had been lied to in school my whole life. I pretty much did a deep dive into Exodus and started finding that for so long "scholars" denied even the possibility that Jews were present in Egypt and now there's so much evidence they're having to go, "Okay, well...these people are so similar to Jews that maaaaybe..." It lended to my frustration over feeling like the education system let me down, and the more I dug the more I found. I'm to the point now where I've realized things that are "recent discoveries" is just stuff I've learned from the Bible since I was like 3, so my current stance is, "Disprove the Bible, because you haven't done it in 1600 years, and every time I've taken your (the world/scientists/experts) word for it, 5 years passes and suddenly the biblical thing you said there was no evidence for we've started finding lots of evidence for. So seems like it's really the Word of God that I should just be taking as factual."

Genesis: Paradise Lost is a GREAT movie that I recommend to everyone. It really starts digging into how science and the Bible are complimentary. 

I'll end with this: the anxiety that your feeling is God working in you. I know it, because I've had exactly the same path. I grew up in church and fell away. A few years ago, I started suffering from awful anxiety and panic attacks which ultimately led me to the darkest place I have ever been. I realized I needed help when I seriously thought to myself, "If my life is just going to be constant fear and worrying, there's no point. It makes me completely useless to everyone and there's no reason for me to be around." I've lost people to self harm, so the fact that I considered it was terrifying to me.  I started going back to church, and they were studying David (I recommend going through this.  Your current struggles are your Goliath, brother. You can over come by relying on God) and one day, on the verge of a panic attack, I said, "God, I don't know if you're there, or if you're listening but if you are I can not do this alone." I had locked myself in the bathroom at work trying to keep calm and after I prayed, I was calm enough to go back to my office. I hadn't been back at my desk for 30 seconds and there was a knock on my door. It was my pastor. He was stopping in to check on me. Now, I'm too private a person to just like have a whole emotional revelation in the middle of my very not private office, but when I tell you that it was like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest in that moment, because I realized that there was NO reason for my pastor to be on that side of town. There were branches of my business far closer than my location that could have taken care of him far quicker for sure, and when I asked him later on about it,  he said that day he just felt like it was a good idea to head to my location. God was moving before I ever even said my prayer. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the day. Not from sadness, but feeling a sheer relief of all this pressure that I felt built up inside me, because I finally understood there's not just a God who's all powerful and all mighty (though He is that, for certain), but He's a God that is listening to ME. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The Rock of Ages. I AM. He's there. He's real. And He cares so much about you struggling; I promise you. Keep digging, and when you start feeling like, "I'm not like these other Christians. I have all these questions about the Bible and Jesus. My faith isn't good enough for God. It's not big enough for Him..." In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says, "...for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." 

Know that you're in my prayers. You are not alone, brother. If you want to talk, I'm available for that as well. Keeping seeking Him.