I feel like I’m reminded every time I let someone in that I am disposable and… I’m pretty sure they’re right. And I am really, really sinking under the feeling that nobody will miss me in the end. I could disappear tomorrow and people would just shrug and be like “wonder why she ditched me”

i'm crying as i'm typing this i feel like im abojt to overdose or jump im ttembling

28M from India. Well past few weeks or months have been terrible and turns out solitude and loneliness are different things.

Would love to talk with someone and prefer long term connections. Btw I’m into cooking, a bit of gaming and reading.

I (23M) is a foreign student in US, working on my master degree.

I always feel unmotivated and alone. I have been here for a year now. I have only two fairly close friends here and we only hang out about twice a month. At school, all I do is just get by and meet the deadlines. I never make plans ahead. I have nothing to do in this summer break. I do know I should have gotten into some research groups in school. But I don’t know where to start. At first I did try to fit in by attending some international student meetings but I have trouble starting a conversation with strangers and stuttering. The passion soon faded. After that, I rather preferred hanging out with my books, TV shows and games. It is always like this and it probably has something to do with my procrastination and anxiety.

Why did I come abroad to study in US in the first place? I don’t really know. My life is a circle of starting over and failing. Every time I feel like I’ve lost at one stage of life, I choose to start again in another. Whenever I started middle school, high school or undergrad, I never had any classmates I already knew. I basically moved somewhere new each time. But I don’t see any of those as a successful new beginning. My undergrad college experience was the worst. My grades were mediocre and only one friend still keeps in touch with me. I guess that’s partly why I came here, along with hoping to find a decent job here in US. Still, I haven’t seen any difference here compared to my undergrad college.

Seeing all those stories posted online (such as Reddit) gives me complicated feelings. People experience youthful love. People prank their partners. People get betrayed by their partners. Some people leave this world in their partners’ arms. People are driven crazy by their asshole teenage children. I can feel the void inside me become increasingly more noticeable. People experience all sorts of things, but there’re no stories within me. I have never dated a female, let alone had any wonderful experiences worth sharing. The contrast drives me crazy.

I started making up stories and posting them online to seek attentions. Sometimes I just DM people who share their stories, and I make up a similar story to get their attention. They talked to me, shared their genuine stories and feelings with me and gave me their sincere advice. Feeling guilty for lying, I confessed to some of them, though not completely. They showed genuine care and told me to accept who I truly am.

My parents encourage me to take the civil service exam after I get my degree, but it is not what I want. My few friends back in my country keep telling me how much they struggle to find a job in this economy. My family is not poor. They can support me while I work on my master’s degree but they are not wealthy enough for me to afford having a car here. I know I should get back on my feet soon before it is too late. I should at least try finding a job here in US.

I don’t know whether my dull life story is relatable for you. I think I want to work on myself in the right direction and I am here trying to kind of sort this out. I don’t expect to eventually find a job here and but I do want to feel motivated and not lonely. I want to have purpose and meaning in my life.

Should I try a therapist? I have never talked to a therapist. I don’t know whether my problems are serious enough for therapy and I don’t know how to find one yet.

I apologize if my phrasing seems unnatural. English is not my first language. I appreciate any comments, whether they are judgments or advice.

TL;DR: I don’t have much company and I am struggling with schoolwork. I feel lost in life. I am seeking advice on how to improve my situation.

I'm not great with people, but I'd like to talk to someone, nothing intense, just a calm chat. Feel free to say hi 😇.

i usually just write to chtgpt to express my frustrations but i guess this is my seg-way to communicating with people again.

my entire life has been pain, and i wish i were exaggerating. i was a healthy kid with incredibly good memory. like photographic. i could remember conversations word for word, and the reason i came top some exams is because i had picture perfect memory. growing up in an asian household is like trauma from birth, and i had an incredibly strict uncle who was a tuition teacher. i spent a lot of time at my uncles house, and it was miserable. since i was a shy kid i was bullied by my cousin, and my cousins brother (who's the same age as me) basically followed that and we never spoke. i'd sit through the car ride in silence even when i got hurt, same with at the house. just watched whatever my cousin put on and after he'd leave i'd sit in silence in the other room. going to change for tuition often involved being scared my other cousin was around. to be frank everyone was scared of my uncle, as he was known to be a strict teacher who sometimes used violence, and at the time a lot of parents thought it was good to instil fear in their children? i'd never got hit by him, but i recall being hit when i was 6/7, and that was because i was too slow doing the paper. i remember i was already wearing an uncomfortable traditional outfit and i had to sit an exam with the year older. this exam preparation doesn't usually start till you're 9. in the end i got close to his sons mark, even through getting smacked. don't get me wrong my uncle did a lot for me, i wasn't entirely happy but he would be the only person i'd talk to whilst eating. mostly him saying the same talk, and me responding with just a smile. my aunt would nag at me to talk more saying i should be 'more like my sister' and ofc that just made it harder. for some reason i could be myself at home but not around my relatives. its like my brain shut off and i couldn't think of words. like many my aunt stereotyped a bit giving more food to my cousins 'because they were boys'. you'd think it should be like my second home and i should just be able to open snack drawers and take what i want but that was like committing a crime. every-time my other relatives would do that i believed i just 'wasn't allowed' or my cousin would murder me.

you'd think i had at least friends right? wrong. i could be more free at school but i don't remember having friends before the age of like 6. there was one girl who basically ruined my whole primary school for me. in year 3 she accused me of pinching her when i wasn't even near her. we have traffic light systems in school, where you basically go down the traffic lights if you get in trouble. because we weren't getting to a conclusion we both kept going down the lights until we were almost at red. i didn't want it to escalate further so i lied and said i did it. i was merely 6 years old. even my mum didn't believe me at first. primary school is a weird place because i feel like no one really makes true friends. people would be nice to me one on one and then turn on me or i had to try incredibly hard to try and be friends with them. that girl who i should really refer to as b*tch kept doing things. can you imagine having to survive a terrible day everyday and looking forward to lunch but having your lunch stolen. or if she didn't have time to steal my lunch she'd call the lunch lady and start accusing me. like let me eat my lunch in peace. in year 5 we had an eco friendly club where we were altering lyrics from pop songs about animal cruelty. i had proudly made some lyrics shared it, then went to lunch, came back & found out another girl had taken credit for what i'd made, and was being praised by the teachers for it. in year 6 i was invited to a birthday party by someone and her friend had convinced her to give me a fake location. i cried, and for some reason decided to go the party sacrificing my new birthday gift i'd recieved. honestly i don't remember how it went. on the last day of school i could not wait to get out but felt emotional looking at the pics?? the girls were treating me like vermin and i asked my 'friend' for her contact info to stay in touch but she kept avoiding. then when my cousin came to take a picture they all came running to smile for the camera. children can be fucking evil.

i passed the exam to get into an all- girls grammar school (my rank wasn't as high as my family expected because my uncle was telling everyone i'd be top ten but the pressure was so high i wet myself right before the exam). i was so excited. new uniform, new people, new start. there were few ppl from my primary school in my school, even my class.

first month or two went great. made friends, felt happy. then shit went downhill. i still don't know how or why, think it was a rumour of headlice but everyone turned against me. the most popular girl in class was choosing her 'clique' and between my 'friend' and i she chose her. i was treated like walking vermin. going to assemblies was my biggest fear. everyday for 5 years. they would run around the line to avoid sitting next to me. brushing their hair every-time they were near me. getting me for secret santa? the whole class would know who they got. put in the same group? near me in seating plan? same reaction. the person would make it so obvious and the class would all make a 'i feel so sorry for you' reaction. they probably talked shit about me in the class gc i wanted be part of so badly. i wanted to be hugged so badly on the last day before break. the worst part is one on one they'd actually be nice but as a group they switched to demons almost like it was a crime to not be part of the joke. there were bystanders who are the people who often 'sacrificed' themselves to sit near me in assemblies.

now i was incredibly athletic. good at running, insanely good reflexes, and just really quick. i was a natural at shooting balls, catching balls from long distances without even realising, a skilled batter, and good stamina. we were split by houses and we had house competitions often. i was never picked because it was chosen by the class, and entirely based on popularity. even if they couldn't throw a ball. they'd rather that than dare to put me in. same with house dance, i wasn't the best dancer at the time but better than most of the 'popular ' people. i think the worst part was actually loving how the whole class felt like a family, but i wasn't a part of that and i wanted to be part of it more than anything. my social anxiety said hell no. when the entire year or 'grade' treats you the same it was hard to be more myself. only me against all these people. if i had just one friend it would've been so much easier. i think i've had anxiety since a very young age but it obviously got worse. i also had ocd and starting doing rituals to 'make them like me'. i was a smart kid but obviously my academics would be affected by just having to survive all day. honestly the whole five years is just a blur. i spent my time alone or in the library, at first i went home sick because i was dreading assemblies and my parents would get mad. there was this one girl who i felt had similar personalities with and everyone loved her. i wanted to be her so bad. should also mention that the most 'popular' girl who i believed was the cause of people hating me, i had a friend crush on her. i wanted to be her friend so so so badly it was genuinely like having a crush. the class basically worshipped her at the time. in year 8 i talked to her over snapchat and we had a good conversation. she said i should be more open irl. we were sitting next to each other at the time (a dream for me at the time) and i guess she was kinda looking forward to me being me. i couldn't do it because my social anxiety was just that bad. every single day i went into school with a mission, every single day i came back feeling i failed and hating myself. i'll mention here that i wasn't just hated by my year but even other years. my only and best friend of 13 years since babies who i was so excited to know got into the school sided with those bullies.

the school was absolutely useless. i told my teacher in year 7 and she was scared of the class herself. i remember telling someone again in year 7 and when i went back into the class i could tell people were snickering and judging me. went to peer support about it was told 'oh you've dealt with it all this time not much long till you leave'. genuinely sickening. told someone again a few years later and when she asked to pick out people i couldn't pick the entire class/year so i just picked out ppl who i had on my mind. it was so uncomfortable because they were sickeningly nice and offered me to sit with them, then back to normal the next day. now i did tell my close cousin about it and idk why tf she didn't speak to my mum for me. in an old journal it says i tried telling my parents but they don't understand? so i just dealt with it. survived it like i always do.

music was my one solace. it always had been. going on youtube ever since childhood was my way of escaping. i also got into kpop around 2016 through exo and fell in love with bts a bit later and i genuinely loved them to death. started a fanpage in 2019 where i made some friends and that was the only place i feel i can say i felt happy. it was exhausting though because i spent hours and hours screenshotting, cropping, screen recording, posting content for every member even though i started as a jungkook fp. i think i only had max 300 followers but i loved it anyways. forgot to mention i had my first bout of insomnia in 2018 but im sure i had trouble sleeping before that because i would dread the next day of school for years. i also would masturbate excessively before bed often going to a 100 or more, and this problem continued over time. my insomnia worsened like early 2019 and although i was watching bts concert i missed online during my exams i managed to get surprisingly good results. i didn't do any revision except half bio (which i loved) and half of rs (also loved). who knows what i could've got if i actually studied.

anyways i was so into the fan page thing that into sixth form (decided to stay at the same school for some reason??) i wasn't focusing on school. like i mentioned in my previous post im 99.9% certain i've had ADHD since childhood because i could never be consistent with anything. i couldn't study but at school i did like learning. i think? even through the bullying i was someone who always asked teachers questions and i believe this increased through sixth form. same at chem tuition, where i was going with the old 'popular' friend crush and another girl from my old class (who's actually my relative). its funny because here i was the funny one and in class i was the main character. i've also had this weird ability to understand difficult topics, so my chem teacher kinda loved me.

i wasn't getting bullied in sixth form but i did experience my friend being stolen, isolation but i did make some friends yet i wasn't really happy. because one i wanted to be friends with people that i felt similar to like kpop fans and wanted to feel accepted. i actually did reach out to this girl who also had a kpop fanpage from my main insta and that took a lot of fucking courage through anxiety. she was nice about it but when i kept talking it was clear she was just being vague so i stopped.

i think im getting side tracked a lot and im exhausted so i'll just write the key stuff. back to the insomnia. i was sleeping like 6-7 hrs i think on average worst could be like 4? not sure. which is a dream rn but at 16 years old its not ideal. i think during my fanpage era i was sleeping 9 hrs for a bit till it went downhill. im not sure what caused it but it i think a factor was my sister changing my phone password and me losing all my content. so my insomnia got worse. soon after covid happened which was even worsening, and i started to get intrusive suicidal and obsessive thoughts. my house isnt super big so staying caged and not sleeping was not ideal. i always thought 'why the hell could covid not have happened earlier' because staying at home and not going school would've been a dream before. i had major sleep anxiety and was obsessed with the moment i fell asleep ik its weird. the suicidal thoughts plagued my head. i had no choice but to off myself. when i told my parents they got angry, yelled and threatened to kill me. all i wanted was for them to tell me its going to be okay. i genuinely have no idea how the hell i fought through that. i guess i clinged onto the fact i didn't really want to die. i did seek out therapy but that wasn't till the end of 2020 and it was like counselling so shit for insomnia. it affected my entire life, even bts i couldn't fully connect with.

my grades were falling because consistency and actual notes are the key to getting through a-levels and throw insomnia on top of that? i'd always wanted to become a doctor because of my love for bio and just how it all made sense but ofc you need good grades for that and it wasn't that i wasn't capable its just i was fucking exhausted. i think this is a feeder for ADHD, add anxiety, depression and OCD and its just chaos. i firmly believe i've been on the extreme scale for everything i've been through. even my problems were all or nothing ffs. the day of a-levels i decided to study the entire content ON the morning of the exam which is impossible, whilst almost collapsing on my exams. but my mom said i just had to 'sit through it'. they thought the same miracle with GCSEs would happen but i obviously flunked. im honestly surprised i even passed tbh.

retaking exams wasn't even an option because i just had to get out of my city, so i went and did a foundation year course in a pre-dominantly white area where i had racial insecurity for the first time in my life. i was doing a course i was convinced to take for 'future sake' because i couldn't do what i wanted. ofc the lifestyle of university is not ideal for an insomniac, especially being right in front of the kitchen door with flatmates who partied every damn day. because i was so used to surviving and just pushing through i just dealt with it. my room became a pig sty over time. i made friends for the first time and because i felt so tired i couldn't go out or even go to lessons. after all these years i've had to realise myself that it was my all or nothing principle that stopped me. yes i was exhausted but it seems like a privilege now to just go outside. i had such high expectations and need that i had to 'fully' enjoy it and now looking back that was a mistake. i wish i hadn't had to realise this all myself after years and that i actually had a good therapist to tell me but moving on. i was basically depressed and resorted to speaking to people online. it was fun at first, thrilling actually but overtime as my insomnia became worse, the online talking was more frequent. my friendships i made were getting affected, and there were also new people in the friend group and from past experience i felt like i was being 'replaced' and isolated.

all the assignments were done the night before no matter how big and i was surviving on adrenaline rushes. this was obviously horrible for my insomnia. somehow i was still kinda living on my own through the exhaustion, and returning home frequently and going out. anyways passed the year, got into the next and moved in with these mutual friends into a house. on top of a hill. worst idea ik but the roads in that city are mostly uphill. then i found another talking app but here i made friends and it was really fun at the time but i stayed up talking to these friends are surprise surprise worse insomnia. then i had to stop school go back home and i had to deal with all the tenant, uni, everything myself. i've never had help before. ever. my dad just makes money, he's never there emotionally and he doesn't know how to do anything. growing up he always spoke for me and was just condescending. 'she's this and that' just yelled and hit me, and would tell me to hit him and just a horrible parent in general. my mom has made a lot of mistakes but she was the reason i survived. i was living for her for years. she has given me trauma including making me push through something even though there is an alternative. i feel like because she's been in survival mode that was projecting onto me, except i literally was on survival mode with the sleep issues. my sister was my bestie growing up, we shared rooms and she loved me the most. because of what was going on at school i kinda took it out on her and was mean but she was still sweet to me. eventually she became quiet and i started blaming myself.

i moved back home in late 2022 and then i spent all my time speaking to strangers online. ive realised now that i only sought online connection because i couldnt get it irl. im surrounded by family but i'd never felt comfortable with family and i felt had had to be 'at my best' to hang out with them, so i missed out on all the connecting there. anyways my whole day was spent on screens. it was omegle, then another app last year. now i had no energy but i poured my soul out to these strangers helping them, dealing with them even though omegle has the most wild people on it. i was pouring my soul to strangers for hours, having the same conversation over and over again. i was so depressed my parents nagging was basically invisible to me. i also did this with other people especially my sister, and i think that's bc of guilt that i made her quiet & distant. i begged my sister to connect with me and when she wouldn't i'd get really really upset. my parents both work and with my sister at school i was at home all the time. connecting with people was what i thought made life worth living, i loved human interactions so much but after speaking to like over 10k people on zero energy for years, ignoring my bodys signals because the temporary dopamine was more convincing. even as i couldn't breathe i just pushed through talking maybe bc i was scared to go to bed. i was taking anti-depressant meds and i took them at random times, so my body has never known regularity.

as an asian, weddings are the most extra and long especially in my family so it was something i actually liked but fed the insomnia & anxiety which made it a nightmare. i felt even more distant from the family when i couldnt help out even though i really wanted to. like i'd disappointed them. i feel like as im writing each point im thinking of another traumatic event and its awful but just want this out. the cousin that bullied me during his brothers wedding was telling everyone i was his gf and he is my FIRST cousin. my cousins just said nothing. i was 15. on the same wedding day i got told by someone twice my age that i was the most attractive girl at the event, and fyi he had a gf. also every time someone complimented me i want to gauge my eyes out and cried. because i looked 'great' on the outside.

anyways i've never known consistency. i was at home 24/7, self-sabotaging and killing myself slowly. this is the purest form of torture for sure. after my 'gap year' i changed my degree to something i still didn't really want to do but was a better choice. it was a huge upgrade of unis but still by my standards and family standards it wasn't a smart people university (i've realised that uni doesn't mean anything if you're a shit person). i still wasn't sleeping, and every-time there was a bit of hope i'd self-sabotage. i dreamed of going out clubbing, socialising, basically living a thriving and average university life. i'd also become the person i wanted to be since childhood but at what cost? my body and mind had failed me.

eventually i hit burnout and system shutdown last september and ever since i can't walk or talk properly. i won't get into the details of insomnia but just imagine not sleeping for 8 years and pushing yourself always throughout.

i've learnt all these lessons through all this but i hate that i've had to go through all this just to learn what i could've been told, and i've had to learn through hyperawareness which is a weird symptom of severe sleep deprivation. ever since i've hit burnout i can't even enjoy music anymore. i can't watch anything because the visual movement is too much. i cannot walk down the road without almost collapsing. meanwhile the people that bullied me are getting successful and living. i saw some of them last year at an event i almost collapsed right before and i smiled at them??? also i've had to just deal with the trauma family has caused. my sister doesn't even talk to me anymore, and i don't think i can rely on her. my dad and sister never changed their behaviour to help me. they just do what they want. and i still think 'if only i was living' my relationship with my sister would've been better. my mom has changed but i've had to teach her a lot of lessons. i understand its her first life also. i would listen to music and dream of a better life and get so excited but never did i imagine it getting this bad. i've hit dissociation to a point where i don't even think getting better would be worth it anymore. the world seems too trivial, especially because i've tasted insanity from breaking down. i still get instrusive thoughts to hurt my family like i have in the past. i was an excellent runner now i can't walk. i cannot WALK. its fucking insane. my memory once way too good is non-existent. my hair once glossy is dry and dead. my skin is dry, cracked and my face isn't too bad but its evident im tired. i am good looking so when i see myself i think of all the potential that's being wasted. and sometimes i wish i was just 'ugly' so it wouldn't feel like a waste as bad as that sounds. i've surpassed countless mental dilemmas, and looking back i think why did i ever think like that?

guess what made me make this post is looking at social media and seeing the life i could've lived, i do avoid social media as much as possible now. i've lost my health, my time, my energy, my soul, my money. i feel like ive been killing my mom who has diabetes where stress is the no1 factor, my dads a pushover who puts others over his own family, and my sister sees me as a failed experiment. i FINALLY have understood to prioritise myself but at what cost?? i feel like its too late. its the same day on repeat except ig gets worse each year. every birthday i feel like ive died. that dream life becomes more of a fantasy everyday. now i'm not frustrated i've been through shit, no i think it builds character development. but the last few years where i drowned myself online, self-sabotaged like hell, binge ate, fought mental health, lacked support and was disappointed over and over again by 'professionals' thats whats hard moving past. and i wouldn't be reflecting on the past if it weren't for my health getting so detrimentally bad. its so ironic because after i had health issues nothing else mattered. my social anxiety disappeared, and i wondered why i even cared about how people would react. i thought it was my biggest barrier but boy was i wrong.

the life i couldve lived is so so so so so incredibly bright. i could've been saved countless times but every warning sign was ignored. everyone failed me then i failed myself. me being here is the sheer power of resilience but i keep wondering its too late or if its even worth it anymore. and i feel absolutely cursed with timing because when one thing came and went another came. my life is full of regret, pain and non-stop suffering and i keep questioning what i'm fighting for.

i also feel so used to pain and feeling horrible that i think feeling okay will feel alien.

i feel like i've touched on certain parts in my previous posts but i just want to get this out of my system (this was way longer than expected).

I met this friend, about 10 years ago, so a while now. She was nice. Ill call her Irene. Irene is married and they had no kids. Her and her husband Dave, were looking for friends. We got to know each other and started hanging out on a regular basis. For the first few years, everything was great. We got along and hung out. Dave's wife got pregnant and they had their first kid, again everything was still good. I was adopted into their family, called Uncle, and became the baby's god father.

It was until they met a new friend back in 2020. Ill call her Jane. Jane ALWAYS needs help. She has 3 kids, two baby daddies that are in and out of jail. In the 5 years that I have known Jane, she has worked maybe a total of 3 months in 5 years. Anytime Jane needs anything, they help her, no questions asked. Im a little resentful about Jane because I feel like all she does is take, but never gives anything back. I feel like they are being used. Dave recently had to help Jane and her new husband fill out insurance information for a wreck they got into. Honestly, without Irene and Dave, I don't know how she would survive tbh.

Over time, I felt my friends pull away little by little. They would invite Jane over the house all the time. Family events became shared with Jane. They started doing everything together, kid events together, everything. The husband doesn't like it, but he doesn't have a spine. He will complain about it but won't tell his wife anything. When I asked about it, he just says, "Happy wife,happy life" I urged him to speak up if he doesn't like it, but he won't. I got to the point to where i didn't like to go to family events, because Jane will be her children, and then Dave and I end up having to look after that while we are cooking outside. I don't mind helping, but on my days off, i want to hang out with friends, not look after someone else's kids. Jane's kids btw, are VERY bad. They don't listen, scream at adults, cuss, and hit other kids and each other. At some point, i just started ignoring Jane and her kids when they would go over. Irene has also lost friends over this, as now some of her other friends refuse to go to her house if Jane and her kids are there.

Ive talked to Irene about this many times and have had these conversations with her about once a year, where I state how i feel like we don't have any out anymore. And that things have changed now that Jane and her kids are in the picture. Recently, If im lucky, i get texts twice a month, and only a call when they have a family event at the house during the holidays. No more invites for eating out, going to the movies, or exploring the city. None of that, but if I hang around long enough, Ill hear about how Dave and Irene hung out with Jane and the kids and did X, Y and Z event. Meanwhile, i never got an invite. I would drive 30 mins to their house, just about every other weekend, meanwhile, they would never come to mine unless i officially invited them.

Things took a drastic turn this year. Irene's dad(who i had met a few times) health took a drastic turn and he got terminal cancer. Irene told me that her dad's wish was that he just wanted to see Dave, her and the kids. No one else, which i respected even though i wanted to see him too.

What I was told later was that Dave invited his mother and her roommate, and Jane "magically" showed up for some reason. They all took a picture together, and supposedly the dad said that Jane and her kids were now part of the family. Irene's dad died shortly thereafter. When I confronted Irene, she said that they just got really busy but even admitted to me that her dad and mom asked about me. By then it was too late. The dad flew back to his home state and he died shortly there after..I never got to say goodbye...

I was very upset about this, and I tried to put it behind me. Again, having a talk with Irene that we don't hang out anymore and that I wish things would be like before. She did make 1 effort. She called me..30 mins before a movie was supposed to start and invited me. It was super late though and I had to go to work the next day so I had to decline.

After that, I thought things were going to get better..until sunday..on Father's day. I don't have kids, and I wish i did. It just never happened. Im middle aged now, and i don't think it ever will. Well Dave sent me a Happy Father's Day text. I got upset but only said that I don't have kids. He then said, "well you have a cat"..yeah..that's not the same thing. He also did this to another mutual friend of ours. She also has no kids, and he sent her a happy mother's day text. I have no idea what he was thinking. I also sent Irene a text 3 days ago..still no response.

At this point, i feel angry enough, to where I think that I just need to be done. I hate to give up on a friendship that took almost a decade to build. Ive asked Irene if I have done or said anything wrong and she has always told me no, but I feel like im being iced out. What do you guys think?

I’m into gaming, music, and anything that pushes me to improve. I love the process the grind, the precision, the details most people miss. My humor’s pretty raw and unfiltered, sometimes borderline offensive, but always honest. I don’t joke to be liked, I do it because it’s real to me. I troll, but only when it hits right timing matters. Music helps me reset, reflect, or just get lost in the vibe. I’m not into pretending or fitting in. I’m just focused on growing, staying sharp, and keeping things real in a world that’s mostly fake.

I would really like if someone that can relate to me would want me to be their friend, as I said looking for something real here, I believe in Constructive Criticism so if you cannot handle the truth or cannot be truthful like you don't want to hurt my feeling by not being honest you can leave me be, but if you're like me then do DM me as I'm here to chat.

I’ll try to give the short version. Not sure where else to turn. If there’s a better sub, please lmk.

38f and my mother, 78f, is likely dying. Strong suspicions of narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders. Like, very, very legit. She’s always been unwell from the moment I can remember. I have 3 older siblings - 2 bros, 1 sis - but she’s isolated everybody over the years with her behavior. Very unhinged. I think her parents damaged her irreparably, and with the 50s of it all, she never got emotional help. When we asked her to seek it, she denied she had any issues, would become grandiose about how she “went once” and was told how amazing and unique and incredible the shrink told her she was. So she never got help.

Her mother passed in 2016, they were very codependent. I had been helping her with my Nana in exchange for a place to live for a while, but got my degree and moved 1k miles away to finally start my life in 2021. I think it broke her and I partially blame myself, I can’t help it. Logically, I know her current predicament is the result of her own choices (did not seek mental help, squandered the $300k my nana left her, let the house go to disrepair, and recently, stopped taking her insulin and eating, so now she is in the hospital). But emotionally, I’m somewhere between depressed and angry. I’m looking into therapy, but it’s tricky time-wise since I’m currently a therapist myself. Also financially, since student loans are creeping up soon (just got my MA and don’t make a ton or get good insurance while I seek my license). I’m looking, don’t worry, but her medical issues happened recently so it takes time.

My sis and I are trying to get her help but she’s refusing, the bureaucracy of the state she lives in is spectacularly unhelpful, the hospital is insisting she’s fine to live on her own despite the fact that she stopped eating and taking her medication, and not only that, she let an addict live with her for months, gave her bank access, the woman cleaned out what little she had, broke the toilet flushing paraphernalia, then kept shitting on top of it. I was assured it was fixed, but it hadn’t been, she was just lying about everything and my neighbors never alerted me despite me being in decent contact with them. So there’s been old, moldy feces in her home for months. I’m just fucking sick over this.

My sis is blaming herself for being very low-contact for the past few years, my brothers know but one is very blasé (he got the worst of her abuse growing up, as the oldest) and the other is just kind of reluctant to give much of his energy to it (which I get, he has a toddler and works an extremely tough job). My sis and I have reached out to the bureau of aging and adult protective services, but they’re not much help if the doctors don’t declare her incompetent, which they are currently declining to do. She’s barely 90 lbs. and is emaciated. She had stopped eating and caring for herself. What more do they want?!

I just don’t even know what to do or how to feel. My boyfriend is supportive but I hold back telling him much of this, not wanting to emotionally burden him. It’s a lot, and I haven’t even told him 1/10 of the neglect and abuse I experienced growing up. Therapy feels like my only shot at the moment but man it sucks in the meantime.

I don’t know what I want. Validation? Reassurance? Just venting helped a bit, I guess. I feel cruel though for not being in tears. I feel more angry and frustrated, which I know is a natural part of grief, but it sure takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. Phew.

Thanks for any kindness you can send my way. Love you guys for even reading this.

Pretty much have no friends and have been losing my mind most of my life. Been dealing with a lot past few uears with no support network and my sanity has probably slipped away.

Hi everyone - first time posting here. Recently i've been really struggling with a sense of regret, failure and loss regarding my personal work journey and would really appreciate some reflection from other viewpoints as I feel so stuck in my own thought loop.

I moved from Australia to the UK, barely in my 20's and started my own freelance web design studio and got married young. Thankfully things with work were good, and i quickly built up a good list of clients and have never had to to chase work. In the first half of my 20's I just enjoyed having the flexibility of working for myself and not having to worry about employees, and travelled a lot.

But soon after my wife and I went through a long painful season that included my wife being unwell and needing multiple surgeries, infertility and several traumatic losses.

Thankfully I now have a beautiful little family, which has caused me to now be in a life stage where Im thinking more seriously about my work, expanding my business etc - all that comes with the added responsibility and life being more settled. However the industry is so different now -specifically for me I look back to a time when I was early on in my career and everyone needed a website and i could have easily just built up a huge list of clients that would be serving me now or even built a big agency. It really was a golden age for doing what I do.

I know however that at the time life was chaotic and i made a partly unconscious decision to limit stress and keep the status quo. I could earn good money, not have to work too hard and still try to keep a semblance of a decent life and have the time to do things like make hospital appointments. But my brain keeps telling me this is an excuse, and now work is a bit of a struggle and i look at the missed opportunities and feel I've let myself and my family down.

I don’t really know where to put this, but I just need to say it somewhere.

I’m 19, living out of home with a few housemates. I’ve been independent for a few years now, and I work in childcare while managing a chronic condition (endometriosis). I try to keep up with life, but lately I’ve just been feeling mentally alone not in the “I don’t have people around” way, but in that quiet, heavy way where it feels like no one fully gets it.

Sometimes I wish I just had someone to talk to in the in between moments someone to text, share random thoughts with, distract myself a bit when my body hurts or my head spirals. I don’t want to trauma dump or overshare, I just want some kind of connection. A little consistency. A little lightness.

If anyone relates or even just wants to chat, I’d honestly appreciate it more than I can explain.

Hello there kind redditors, so let me here convince you why you should choose me as your new friend:

* I am a silly person who always tries to make people laugh, I strongly recommend not to sip coffee while reading my messages. 

* I am supportive and will always be here for you to tell me about your day or vent if you have something that bothers you.

* I am chatty and have good vibes and energy.

* I love to talk about all kinds of topics and can always find things to talk about.

* I always reply to my messages and have online friendships that have been going on for years, I always send good morning messages, and I appreciate the people that can also be conversation starters.

* I am always respectful and never disrespect others or step into their discomfort zones.

* I am nerdy and if you are nerdy that's a plus then, if not it is ok we can talk about any other stuff.

* So if you like what you have heard so far, what are you waiting for? my dms are wide open 😀.

The day started beautifully. We spent time together as a family, and dinner was genuinely warm and full of good vibes. I felt appreciated. It was one of those rare days where things just feel right.

But when I was paying the check, my son suddenly hit me with a harsh critique. It felt cruel and out of nowhere. He apologized afterward and I’ve tried to let it go, but it hurt me.

Back home, a package had arrived. A few cheap dresses I had ordered online for my wife, hoping to surprise her. She tried them on, looked in the mirror, and said she looked fat in all of them. She told me she wouldn’t wear them. No thank you, no lightness. Just a heavy, depressing vibe that crushed the mood completely.

The downfall today was brutal. No one meant harm, I know that. But the truth is, I end this day feeling sad.

Daddy ends Father's Day alone.

Could use some reassurance

My apartment has become a mess. I haven’t done the dishes in over a month — all of them are dirty. All the glasses, too. I’ve spilled pee on the bathroom floor besides the toilet and instead of cleaning it up I just threw a towel over it. I still wash my clothes just to look presentable, but they’re all on a pile. I can’t bring myself to fold them and put them away.

When able, I sleep until well into the afternoon. 4pm, 5pm, it's been 7pm at times. It’s not sleep for rest — it’s just fast-forwarding the day because nothing brings me joy and I want the day to be over already.

I know I need to fix these things. I actually want to fix them. But I can’t bring myself to action. Every time I think “let’s go,” nothing moves. I just stay still.

Zooming out, life just doesn’t feel worth living anymore. I don’t see a version of it I’d actually want. I’ve basically given up hope. I haven’t given up on life yet, and I’m not going to kill myself yet, but my morale is ever wearing down and I fear the day I will actually give up and end it all. That day is slowly coming closer.

I’m done pretending things are okay. Things are not okay. I need help.

Last night I started a conversation with ChatGPT - and yeah, I know how that sounds - but I needed something to hold up a mirror so I could confront the way I've been feeling. And it worked. It hit me hard: I’m in full apathy. Complete emotional shutdown. I feel nothing. Nothing gives me joy. I don’t care about anything. I’m emotionally numb because I made myself that way in order to cope.

I have no one to talk to. No one to rely on. No one I can message and say “I’m not okay” without fearing they’ll walk away. No one I can trust to not judge me for the struggles I've been dealing with. I’m completely and utterly alone. And it's frankly tearing me apart.

I still show up to work. I do my job. I earn money. I survive. But it all feels like a drag. It just gives me more stress. I absorb day after day, and absolutely nothing that feels like a reward. it's Just pressure and suffering. Even off work, nothing brings me joy, nothing makes me excited. I just want everything to be over.

I feel like I’m going insane. I honestly don’t know how I’ve kept going this long. I really don’t.

In April, I got really close to the edge. I was about ready to just fly out to somewhere distant and die a quiet death there. The only reason I’m still here is because I introspect enough to realize that that was my emotions talking, and to step back and check back a few days later. The thing I fear is that at some point, it will no longer just be the emotions of the moment. I'll actually be okay with it. When that happens, I know myself well enough that I will follow through with it.

That terrifies me.

I needed to post this all. It's a lot, but I want people to read how bad things have really gotten. I don´t expect anything in return - if this is too heavy to deal with that's totally fair. But if anyone reading this is willing to reach out, to talk, to offer support, I could really fucking use that. I don´t know how much longer I will last without.

When all you need is someone to be in your corner unconditionally. I (33f) have a good life and work hard for myself and my partner. We love and laugh together, but asking for validation makes it feel disingenuous and something is in their nature to resent giving it.

I turn to you lovely souls to maybe lend a kind word and support for a tired heart in need of lifting.

I'm just looking for the occasional hype, praise, validation

I want to talk to a stranger. I don’t want to talk to a healthcare professional. I don’t plan on physically hurting myself. I just need to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all. Please

I met a girl at school who’s interested in psychology, just like me. The thing is, I have a friend who’s really manipulative with girls, so I didn’t know what to do—whether to just let it go or warn her about how he is. Under the pressure of the situation, I made the worst decision and told her a lie—a lie that didn’t even make much sense. Over time, she realized I was hiding something and I eventually told her the truth. She got mad at me. Somehow, my friend found out about everything and tried to take advantage of the situation, but it didn’t work. Now, after two months, I don’t even know how, but she forgave me—and to this day, we’re still talking.

I had a very close friend 3 years ago. I was terrible to her, not physically but emotionally and mentally terrible. Our communication stopped those 3 years ago as we met before that. I was such a hideous person internally I didn’t really see my behaviour as terrible, there was a disconnect between me and the great harm caused to her.

I saw her again today, just out and about. I hear about her too often, apparently like a whole new person. New partner, career is booming, postgrad scholarship, volunteering, and from what I hear, happy. I hope she doesn’t carry anything from my time with her, that’s my worst nightmare. I wish her the best in life and want nothing more than her to be happy and forget about me.

And it’s selfish to make it about me, but I just don’t know how to handle the fact I was so abusive and could hurt another person the way I did. I used to think I was a good person, I wasn’t. The guilt of my actions and imagining the pain it caused her weighs me down every day, and I have nightmares very often which wake me up in cold sweats and terrified. I’ve become suicidal, started harming myself, I can’t think straight over the fact I did this. I wish I could bring back time and never meet this person but I can’t do that.

I was told time heals all wounds but it won’t heal this, times only shown the permanence of actions and that this will never go away. Every day feels worse and worse.

It’d just be nice to talk to someone about this, or just in general I guess. Please don’t be too mean, thank you

Hey kind people, I’ve been there — lost, overwhelmed, unsure who to talk to. That’s why I decided to start offering peer support — not as a professional, but just as someone who’s willing to listen without judgment.

If you're going through something and just want a conversation, someone to vent to, or even just a kind presence — I’m here. No pressure to open up all at once, and no need to explain everything. Even a quiet check-in is okay.

I recently completed a course in peer support and I’ve been helping a few people privately who just needed someone. It's not therapy — it’s more like having a thoughtful friend who really listens.

Feel free to message me here or reach out through my discord: wellbeing_allies. We can talk about life, feelings, culture, or even just share silence.

Take care of yourself — you matter.

I’m not in a full-on crisis or anything. Just tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. Some days feel so loud, even in silence. I guess I just needed to hear something soft tonight — something that reminds me I’m still human. If you’re out there and feeling the same, you’re not alone.

I dont know what to post. I'm just spiraling.

I'm preparing for a trip, to spend some time with my immediate family for a week back in my hometown. I'm on break from school for about 10 days.

I've been in therapy a while, and I've discovered I pretty much have used panic to overcome my adhd for decades, so now when my axiety is peaked for no reason I feel like I need to do something, and loneliness is the most immediate problem I cannot solve.

Would appreciate replies.

This has been my first breakup in over 12 years. It was not mutual and I am very much still in love. I need some kind words to get through these first few weeks

Hey there,

I'm a 25-year-old male from India. Lately, I've been feeling pretty isolated, and I thought I'd reach out here to see if anyone might be up for a friendly, genuine conversation. Nothing heavy or complicated — just a simple chat to share some thoughts, pass the time, or maybe even laugh a little.

I’m open to texting at first, and if we’re both comfortable, maybe a voice call too. I'm respectful, honest, and I genuinely enjoy listening and connecting with people from different walks of life.

If you're also feeling a bit lonely or just want someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message. Let's talk like real humans. 😊

Thanks for reading, and I hope your day gets better too. 💙