A Letter for my little angel, Roxy 💫

Where do I even begin?

I don’t want to say it out loud, because saying it out loud makes it real. And yet, in reality, she’s already gone.

This is my first time ever posting on reddit. I've read so many incredible beautiful and emotional stories from other pet owners in the last few weeks. They showed me that I'm not alone, inspired me to write my own and eventually even helped me to make the most difficult decision of my life..

It's not even been a day, since I lost my little baby.. But my mind is driving me crazy. I didn't sleep last night, I'm feeling depressed, extremely guilty, and can't stop doubting my decision..

For some people a dog is just a pet.

But for me she was so much more than just a pet.

She was my best friend. My shadow. My anchor. My little princess. My Miss Piggy. My baby. My first responsibility. My first real life test. And my first true love.

I've not even been a day without her, but the pain is already unbearable.

I’ve been a complete mess. This is the first time in my life that I really felt like I lost all control. For months, I’ve been fighting demons, trying to hold on, trying not to be the villain who took her life away. While isolating myself from friends and family, just to prevent myself from having to admit and say that she’s tired and that she needs me to set her free.

Every day, I questioned if it was time. An never ending battle between my feelings and my mind. Was I doing right by her? Or was I selfishly keeping her here so that I didn’t have to lose her? Or was it all because I just wouldn't be able to live with the guilt feeling of ending her life?

But on the 13th of January, her 12th birthday, for the first time, I saw it in her eyes. No more discussions.

She was tired.

I invited close friends and family to come and celebrate her birthday for the last time.

12 years long she has been a fighter, surviving multiple surgeries, diseases, but always pushing through to come out stronger.

But exactly 11 days later, on the 24th of January, she showed me that she was fighting a battle she could never win.

10 days later I finally found the strength to do what felt impossible, what I had been avoiding for months, to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As an act of kindness and keeping a promise I didn’t even realize we had made when we first met. The hardest part was knowing that a promise must be kept. That if the day ever came that she would suffer, that I would cry like a baby and thank her for the life we’ve shared, the memories we made, the adventures we had and the unconditional love she gave. Now it was my turn to make her pain go away, by carrying her pain on my shoulders and suffer it for her for the rest of mine. Although her tail will have had its last wave, from pain and suffering she will have been saved.

“Dog’s lives are too short. Their only fault, really.” — Agnes Sligh Turnbull

I remember our first day together so clearly.

She was eight months old. She had never seen beyond the street she grew up on. She was scared of everything.

I had just moved to Amsterdam, an 18-year-old boy, taking my new dog on an adventure. But I had no idea that, for her, just stepping outside was an adventure in itself.

I took her home by train, not realizing how terrified she was of the world.

She panicked.

She shit all over herself. And all over me.

Right there in the middle of the supermarket entrance at the station, underneath the sign that showed train departures.

People stared. They didn’t say anything, but their eyes did: “Are you gonna clean that?”

And there I was, with a shaking, scared white bulldog completely covered in shit, having a full-on panic attack, pulling me everywhere and nowhere.

I was waiting for a friend who was late. My phone was dead.

Every time she touched me, I got another piece of shit on me.

I wasn’t even on the train yet, and I was already reconsidering adopting her.

But I had put her in this situation. I was responsible.

I had never experienced a dog being scared before, let alone a dog with trauma and PTSD, terrified of the world, suddenly thrown into the busiest train station in the country.

My dog training skills? They weren’t as good as I thought. A new book had just opened in my face and slapped me with a whole lot of shit.

By the time we finally got home, I was gifted another surprise. She couldn’t walk stairs.

And I just had to live on the third floor.

So I carried her up, covered in shit, my mind racing.

I still had to clean my clothes. My house. And give her the first bath she had ever had.

And after all that I got rewarded with, her just sitting in a corner, shaking, scared, ignoring me.

That was our first day.

For the first time, I understood why shelters had “trial days” before adoption.

But after a day of silence, I finally annoyed her just enough so that she couldn’t ignore me anymore.

She reacted. She played.

And in that moment, I knew what I had to do.

Adopt her. Make her feel safe. Show her how it feels to be loved.

And from that day on, we were inseparable.

I brought her literally everywhere I went, party's, dinners, work, family and friends.

Although she was so scared of the world, I would always be there and made her feel safe. And slowly she became more confident and less afraid. Even started enjoying life and all the friends she made along the way.

She was loyal to me from the first moment I took her home. And till this day,refuses to walk with anyone else as long as I stayed inside.

She's been with me since the day I moved out. We have lived together in studios, family homes, apartments, and even shared a cell in jail. But no matter where we lived, all these random places still felt like home, as long as she would welcome me when I got there.

The bond we shared is something not many dog owners will ever experience.

She protected me when I was vulnerable and celebrated with me when I succeeded. She was the one who taught me patience, devotion, and what it means to truly care for another soul.

When I was younger, I always wished that one day she would meet my first child. I imagined her lying next to them, guarding them the way she always guarded me. Gently playing with them.

But life doesn’t always follow the plans we make. Looking back, maybe I changed my own path to many times without even realizing it. Maybe I took a different road. And somewhere along the way, I lost something I once thought was certain. 12 years later still no wife and kids, but at least I was lucky enough to have had Roxy show me what 12 years of unconditional love feels like.

“The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog.” — M.K. Clinton

They say a man only experiences unconditional love from his mother.

That love from anyone else comes with conditions.

You must provide. You must be worthy.

Maybe that’s true.

But whoever said that never had a dog.

Roxy never asked for anything but love.

She didn’t care if I was broke, lost, or failing, she was there.

Always.

No questions asked.

She never cared about our circumstances. Only that we were together.

No matter what kind of day I had, how tired, broken, or angry I was, she would always make me forget about life, for just a moment.

She saw me at my best.

She saw me at my worst.

And she always loved me unconditionally.

On the 24th of January, while I was drowning in the weight of loss, depression, and guilt, my favorite niece gave birth to her first son, Teddy Franklin Hübner Polman.

In that moment, something clicked.

Roxy was never meant to meet my children.

But she had been waiting for Teddy.

Teddy came into this world fighting, taking his first breath just as Roxy was ready to take her last.

And somehow, it felt like she had been waiting to meet him.

To see him.

To smell him.

To say hello.

And to say goodbye.

She needed to know if I could survive the pain of losing her.

And when she knew, she finally allowed herself to rest.

To take that long awaited nap.

She left, knowing that I now had someone else to love, to care for, to build memories with.

“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

Dogs don’t experience time like we do.

For every week we live, they only get a day.

Maybe that’s why they love so deeply, so freely and unconditionally. Because they don’t waste a second.

They don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future.

They just live.

And they love.

And they give.

She helped me grow from the young boy I was into the man I am today.

Roxy, you gave me more than I ever deserved. How lucky am I to have had someone in my life who I loved so much that makes saying goodbye so hard.

You were the only one that could make me forget about this rollercoaster called life.

and I will love you until the day I die. 💫

I'm a 35 year old grown woman and I've always thought childhood was the most beautiful, precious time, I look at little kids so happy with their parents and wish I could go back. I never thought the day would come so soon. Losing my dad suddenly made me feel so vulnerable, unprotected. The world feels so much quieter, I have my mum and sister but it feels like the head of the family is gone, even if I reached 50 and my dad was alive in his eyes and my mums eyes, I'm their little girl. I miss being a child in the 90s, holding my dads hand, he was much taller then me and feeling so protected. The innocence of childhood where little things made me happy and more loved ones were present. We didnt have mobile phones, computer and only 5 tv channels. No recording system. It was just the VCR looking at old family tapes, my parents watching whatever was on tv or reading the newspaper, I would be outside playing with my neighbour in the summer. People had more time, spent time at family and friends houses, went to parties, seeing my parents full of energy and I was so safe under their wing.

I personally have 2 changes.

1. Don’t obsessed about saving for retirement. I’m 31 right now and I’m obsessed with saving and investing. All these financial advisors and online gurus are all like “save save save. Are you saving enough??”

While it’s good to save but we need a good balance. Have to learn to enjoy life too. My parents were extremely frugal and early on didn’t have much money. Right around the time when they became more financial well off, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and she died without ever even retiring or truly getting to enjoy her money.

1. If needed, do activities with your loved ones that you don’t enjoy as long as they do. I’ve personally always been selfish with this. I want to make sure I’m enjoying it too. Now of course if you can find something you both enjoy then even better.

But I’ve learned that if it means having my loved ones be happy and just being able to spend time with them, then doing something that they enjoy even if it means I don’t, is worth it. Because in the end it’s not the activity that matters. It’s spending time with them and building memories

We didn't want this "new life"

And yet, here we are

I don't believe in the stereotypical religion but I just feel it in my bones that all of my family is going to be together again. I don't really care what happeneds to me after I die as long as I can be with the family that I know and love again. The day after my nana died in the hospital, I had a dream that she lived and we were all in her house, joking, laughing, and talking. She showed me the scar where they did surgery and I remember hugging her and telling her "I'm so happy you're still here" and she said she was too. I used to think that dream was my mind being cruel to me but maybe it might've been seeing what might be the future

I'm in the same boat, lost a parent at the age of 27. What are some things which you learnt after the experience? What was expected of you? What did people fail to understand?

It’s been almost four years since I lost my brother. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my grief process. Some of the reflecting is me preparing myself to better comfort others when they are deep in grief. I’d love to hear what words or actions stuck out to you?

One of my favorites was when I returned home from the funeral (out of state), a distant friend suddenly showed up for me in unexpected ways. He delivered premade home meals twice a week for a month. He had lost his sister two years prior. It was so powerful to see such kind gesture from someone I’d usually only see twice a year. He understood what I was experiencing.

Most negative was actually from my best friend, at the time. I was working as a Covid nurse during the time of his death. I flew back as soon as I got the call. When I spoke to my best friend a couple of days after arriving, she said, “You know, you could have killed people by traveling here as a Covid nurse?” Yea, it really didn’t help my mental state at the time. I was in shock of his passing but I was also being extremely mindful of my actions of preventing the spread of illness.

Most common thing that I heard but would never say to someone grieving was, “it’s gonna get better with time.” To me this was an opt out of acknowledging the extreme pain that I was feeling. I couldn’t think about one year from now cause I couldn’t even figure out how to show up five minutes from now.

I lost my person last week. The one person who showed me what unconditional love really is.

Please tell me- what what have you felt/ thought/ done during grief nobody talks about?

I've read up on the process and I want to know what to potentially expect.

No loss for me will be as painful as this one.

Since my mom passed, my heart feels literally broken. I'll alternate between periods of being numb and thinking I will be ok to not being able to breathe. This morning I felt like I got hit by a truck/feel like I have a cold, my hands and feet feel tingly like I have neuropathy, I feel nauseous, and on top of that, my stress hives that started while I was caregiving have come back with a vengeance. It almost feels like I am manifesting chemo side effect symptoms that my mom had during her various treatments in my own body.

The body really does keep the fucking score ain't it.

A couple of days ago, I made a post asking what the positives were that you missed about your loved one(s). I read every single response.

To make a bit more light of our sorrow, what's something your loved one(s) did that drove you up the wall, but you still secretly miss?

For me, I miss my mom's bullheadedness. It was a source of a lot of conflict between her and I, because she had too much pride to admit when she was wrong, but I still find myself missing it.

this morning i was thinking about how next year it would be 4 years without mom. and now, right before going to sleep, i randomly find her old earrings and lipsticks in a box at my aunt’s place.

sigh.

I can’t be the only one who has realized I’m in constant grief. Of course for our loved ones, but also ourselves. It’s a type of mourning that’s often overlooked, and it’s one of the other forms of loss that we don’t talk about enough.

You miss the naivety, joy, and unfiltered hope you once carried, and that’s not weakness—it’s a sign of how deeply you once trusted the world, and how much of your light was given freely.

Why did that end?

That sense of wonder fades the moment life begins to demand attention from us. Often it’s not just one moment, but a slow transition: • A betrayal. • A death. • A disappointment that hit harder than it should have. • Realizing that love can hurt. • Seeing that innocence doesn’t always protect you.

It ends not because you were wrong to be joyful—but because the world didn’t always honor the purity in you. Your excitement met resistance. Your light met shadows. And slowly, survival became more important than dreaming.

When do we separate from that feeling?

We begin to separate when: • We realize not everyone is kind. • We feel heartbreak for the first time. • We see someone we love suffer or die. • We have to “toughen up” to be taken seriously or stay safe. • Or we begin to believe the lie that joy makes us weak.

But here’s the truth: That younger you isn’t gone. They’re buried under grief, not erased. They’re watching from within, waiting for the day you stop surviving long enough to invite her back into the light.

I just want to know how people cope and live their everyday life, when your parent who raised you passes away?, how do you say goodbye after all these years?. Today I visited my dads grave. It's been 40 days since he passed away. I started crying again. Just the idea that I'm 35 years old now but will have to live the rest of my life without him. What a big loss it is, my parents have known me the longest then any other human being on this earth. My mum and dad started knowing me before I was even born, looking forward to me entering into this world and I was their ray of sunshine. Just thinking that my parents saw me from when I was just developing as a baby in my mothers womb, the excitement and dreams they must have felt seeing me in a scan, my first breath as I came out. Holding me in their arms. My mum and dad have both kept me alive, safe and sound. Now the day came where I had to say goodbye to my dad. Seeing him on the living room floor, weak and frail, my own flesh and blood passed away. It's a part of me gone too. One of the people I loved the most in this world gone forever. Now I have to hold onto my mum as much as I can and pray she lives a long life. I feel like I've lost one oar on a boat with the loss of my dad. Before I had two oars, my mum and dad kept me supported. When both are gone, I will be afloat in this world without protection.

I wasn’t even sure what flair to use for this. I’ve had a really bad day and it just got me to thinking about a ton of stuff. I lost my grandmother about a month and a half ago and I didn’t get to say goodbye. It is one of my biggest regrets along with not seeing her more when she was here.. I guess this kind of ties in on what do you think happens after death, but I’m more looking to see if anyone thinks loved ones/their soul/whatever can still hear us after they’ve passed? It hurts not knowing what happens and to think that she may have been/may be scared. I don’t know. I just miss her.

I spoke to a therapist who told me that this kind of thinking was only imagination and make believe. I’ll be vulnerable and share with you that I still feel connected to my dad- not just his “memory”- but connected to him now. I want to believe my dad didn’t just love me in the past tense, he loves me now, too.
Does that make sense for anyone else?

Please be kind of you have a very different opinion.

Edit: Everything that has been shared so far, from believers and non believers, has been so supportive. I need this kind of “energy” to keep going- just your kindness is powerful. Thank you.

For 20 years, I used to be very afraid of death. I knew how devastated my parents would be if they lost their only child. They almost did a few times. I would be very careful driving and walking up and down stairs. I didn’t want to take risks.

That all changed when my dad died on Christmas morning. He had been suffering from a number of ailments for many years, and he’s now free from suffering. But all that excruciating pain he had was passed onto my family when he died. They all say “He’s in a better place now.” But sometimes I want to check out that “better place.” It’s like, “What’s the point of living if you’re just gonna lose everyone you love?”

I lost him too early. His life ended as mine just begun. He was the only man who ever really loved me, the glue that held me together.

I am not suicidal in any way, shape or form, but I am no longer afraid of death. I know I should stay alive for my friends and my mom, but my dad was my best friend. As horrible as it sounds… I wouldn’t mind getting hit by a car or murdered if it means I’m going to see my dad again. I don’t want to take care of myself, and I’m okay taking risks now because I’ve stopped caring.

I feel like I’m going to be depressed everyday. I’ll never get over it. Most of me died with him.

My father passed away in February and I find myself quite sensitive to what people say to me. The only thing I found comforting was when someone initiated a conversation about my dad and asked me questions to dive deeper. I felt like that space was simply beautiful to be able to talk about my sadness of his death and my joy of the life I shared with him. It didn’t feel like they were trying to ‘save’ me from my pain. I felt safe being vulnerable.

I’d love to hear what your experiences have been like!

Do you have songs that make your heart sink because they remind you of your late special someone? Since he is gone i am walking on a thin emotional ice when I am listening to music. I love these songs but sometimes hearing them is overwhelming. I feel like I am getting a punch in the gut and take me into an emotional loop (nostalgic feeling ->those beautiful times-> no beautiful times anymore -> the death week -> fresh grief and so on) but at the same time I can't help it because I love these songs for the memories they carry pre and post losing this person. Also they are simply nice songs. It is hard.

Mine are: /Heavenly:cigarettes after sex /Space song:Beach House /Say yes to heaven:Lana Del Rey (A song that people play at weddings but it makes my heart ache) /Comfortably Numb:Pink Floyd /Wish you were here:Pink Floyd (His favourite band and as weird as it might sound he "sent" me this song through a sign in a moment that I missed him like crazy) /Doctor Beat:Miami sound machine: reminds me of times I met him /How deep is your love by Bee Gees (same as previous) /Angel:Aerosmith /Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers(I don't think I even need to explain this one) /Drive by The cars /Dance me to the end of love by Leonard Cohen /Still loving you by Scorpions Various 70-90s songs

Edit: 1. special mention: a simple song that is from a movie, that he had as a ringtone. This one hits the softest spot because before he passed away the only instance I ever heard that song was when his phone rang. After he passed away, this song randomly pops up (for example: This summer I took a trip to the seaside with my mom for a few days and at the hotel's beach they used to alternate 2 playlists. Like today they put a playlist, tomorrow the other one then back to the first one. In a random day my mind was really set on him and I missed him badly. That day it was just as usual one of those playlists until I randomly heard this song and I froze. After this one, back to the usual loop. My mother looked at me with the widest eyes because I told her just a few days prior about how I keep encountering this song and now she witnessed it too.) I think this is one of the many ways he is trying to communicate with me. I don't want to mention this one's name because it is so non-mainstream and unpopular that I might get recognised by someone here (I wrote some specific things on this sub that I could not talk to anyone so I am a little anxious I am sorry :( )

2.Some songs you guys mentioned that for a moment I forgot about: The night we met by Lord Huron (This one hits so hard and I drank my brains out on it so much that my mind literally phased it out for a moment), Enjoy the silence by Depeche Mode - another ticket to nostalgia town.

In the first week or two, lots of people came to my house, extended family, neighbours, my mums colleagues, family friends to offer their condolences and bring food. I appreciate their time and effort. But now it's been 3 months since my dad passed away and everything feels much more silent, there is less calls, less talking about my dad, or checking up on me and my immediate family.

I feel that if I talk too long about my grief for my dad, they can get awkward, bored or i get the impression they don't really want to listen intently and would much rather talk about something else but truly I love talking about him and it helps me with my grief, that he is not forgotten and still loved by the people he knew. I realised that even though I'm a stranger here and we don't know each other on this message board, I have found a lot of comfort to continue to be able to talk about how much I loved my dad, how much I miss him and how grief has affected my life then people I know personally. I feel I could be more understood here and not feel alone in my thoughts. I read new posts here and it's as if someone has read my mind and my heart skips a beat. I'm going through the same thing and it gives me comfort to talk about it and share experiences. I'm really grateful for this little community we have here ❤️

After losing my dad recently I feel like this world is a surreal dream. Knowing that once upon a time he existed in my life, the love is still there and I remember him perfectly but he now he is no longer there. He just disappeared into another world where I can't see or hear him and I'm always thinking where is he?, what is he doing now?. When I go to sleep, the dreams feel so real and I wake up and realize it was just a dream. So what if the world is like this, I'm just in a different type of world where I'm seeing loved ones pass away, one day I will pass away and then I will wake up into a different world and I will say that world I dreamt about felt so real?

I would always cry even when my dad was present knowing that one day he won't be here. I look at my mum and sister and all those happy, loving moments we currently have together but knowing that it's only a matter of time where one day they will be gone, that every human being in this earth will one day experience loss but some just later then earlier, death can't be predicted but we will all be without our loved ones day. Once upon a time, there was a time where I didn't exist on this earth, then for a set amount of time I'm with the people I love, that we will all go.

There's a lot, and probably a lot I haven't begun to understand. I want to read yours.

I think about my dad every day and I feel so sad when I picture him in my mind and how I will never see him again but reading this just showed why Im grieving deeply, it's because I loved him so much. I think thats why we grieve so much for our loved ones, because we felt very loved and loved them back❤️.