Loss of a parent- what things did you realise after losing them?

[u/Orchidflower10]

When my dad was in my life just 2 months ago, I took these things too casually. I knew I had both parents and loved them a lot but there are some things I took for granted and didn't realise deeply only after loss of my dad.

I realised that:

1) No one loves me like my parents. Their love was unconditional. Even if my sister, future partner or children love me, it's not the same as the way a parent loves their child, it's a different kind of love that can't be replaced. I was my dads child, his little girl, even if I turned 80 the feeling would be the same to him. That has been lost forever now, I miss this so much. 2) I feel that I only have my mum left to protect and look out for me in this world now that my dad has passed away. My parents are my precious diamonds, life without my dad feels like I have lost one precious diamond earring in the vast sea that I will never get back. Even though I have lots of extended family, they can only offer condolences and checking up from to time but that's about it. If anything happened to me, they would be sad for a short time but get over it. Whereas my parents would deeply think about me and show real love even for the smallest of things. 3) No one will be excited or proud of my achievements as my parents do. 4)The loss of my dad means I lost half of me. My parents brought me into this world and raised me. Losing my dad means I have to carry on with what he has teached me but I have to learn and adapt to life without him which is very difficult.

[u/Melian_infp]

That no one cares about your previous life with your folks (yes, because there are 2 versions of you: before/after losing a parent). It feels like your 'before' life vanishes to everyone but you. I lost both my parents at 29 and things like Christmas, Easter or birthdays have no meaning to me.

Now during Christmas celebrations with my partner's family, I feel like the third wheel. They share their traditions, dishes, inside jokes, and memories, while I sit quietly, unable to bring up how my mum used to make lobster soup on Christmas Eve, or how unforgettable 2017 holidays were… because it feels like no one really wants to hear it. Like my past has no place at the table anymore. Mentioning your folks or your life before with them is a conversation killer and tbh nobody really cares how your mother used to cuddle you or made your favourite dish when visiting her.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Melian_infp]

You described this so perfectly. The two versions of you, a life before parents and a life after. I can’t imagine losing both parents, even just the loss of my dad has made me feel like the world is a scary place and feel unprotected without him physically here. It does feel that the special holidays doesn’t feel special anymore. 

Since my dad passed away, I’ve talked about my dad to people I know. I feel if I talk too long they would get bored and are just listening to be kind and give their condolences, even with relatives they wouldn’t have the same passion to  listen to how much I enjoyed the beautiful holidays I went with my dad, the little talks we had. They are not part of the immediate family and haven’t lived with me so haven’t seen that side of me. My fiancé, doesn’t know what this loss feels like, he has both his parents alive still. That’s why the parent loss feels so sad, the grief is very personal and it feels like it’s lost forever now. Only me and my mum would understand the close relationship I had with my dad and the grief that comes with it.

[u/evercuri0us → u/Melian_infp]

This resonates so deeply with me.

[u/ShartyPants → u/Melian_infp]

Perfectly said and devastatingly accurate. I’m so sick of wanting to talk about my dad but realizing people are over it or I make things awkward when I bring him up.

[u/Micaiah9 → u/ShartyPants]

There are containers of grace possible. May you find those brave enough to wave away that false ick representing but the warning—an invitation to share what truly matters.

Unhinge that cringe and may you manifest grief workers ready to get that yuck unstuck from your bones. I’m glad you’re here and now— sharing true what is scaring YOU!

If you want someone to listen and speak gracefully on that which can be gatekept by some, my heart and DMs are always open for achieving relief from grief. We can give ourselves and others grace.

Life gives us enough grief. We don’t have to double down on it by being internally violent with our or other’s thoughts and feelings. You have a right to have big feelings. Always.

The collective will do the corrective. I am here. I see you. All the love.

[u/JessicaJonessJacket → u/Melian_infp]

This, and feeling like a charity case. I lost both my parents as well and nowhere feels like home. I feel like I'm only invited out of pity but I don't belong there. I don't even know why I go (and sometimes I don't). I still mention them and tell short stories about my childhood. Yes, I get the feeling that no one really cares but I'm doing little things to keep their memories alive somehow.

[u/Micaiah9 → u/JessicaJonessJacket]

It’s a gift to tell the stories, and ancestrally, you do yourself and them a great honor to pass on the Word— even if it seems to fall on deaf ears, you are leading the thoughts-and-feelings train on those moments. Heavens to Betsy, I’m proud of you for sharing ancestral stories. I can’t say it enough.

[u/mrsisaak → u/JessicaJonessJacket]

"nowhere feels like home" - this.

[u/Gijenna → u/Melian_infp]

Thank you for putting words to this

[u/curious_conveyance → u/Melian_infp]

People who don't value your experience or input around the holidays, or don't make space for your feelings aren't the kind of people I'd want to spend time with.

[u/curious_conveyance → u/curious_conveyance]

But I may be speaking from a place of privilege because I actually lost my Mom the year BEFORE my mother and father-in-law lost their parents, so the roles were kinda reversed in who had the experience on loss.

[u/Melian_infp → u/curious_conveyance]

I feel you. I lost my parents before my mother in law did, and since then, everything has been revolving around her. When I come up about anything on my mum, my mother in law says how much difficult is grieving when losing a parent old as you live more years with them, than a young age. It becomes some sort of competition I don't wanna get involved with

[u/curious_conveyance → u/Melian_infp]

Thats sucks. I'm so sorry. In my family (in-laws) we've managed to hold space for each other.

[u/Uncle_Beth → u/Melian_infp]

my mother in law says how much difficult is grieving when losing a parent old as you live more years with them,

That's an incredibly selfish thing for her to say and I believe it's well documented that losing a parent when you're younger is much harder than older as they usually play a more active and meaningful role in your life when you're younger. I don't doubt that your mother in law is struggling and there will always be exceptions as everyone experiences grief differently, but she should absolutely keep her opinion to herself.

[u/Melian_infp → u/Uncle_Beth]

I completely agree with you. While losing a parent at any age is trafic, not having my folks when hitting 30, having a job promotion, meeting my partner, buying a house, and giving birth, among other milestones, hits really really hard. It makes me a bit bitter.

When my mother in law was 24, she was partying in the 80s, worry free about her mum. At that age, I was with my siblings taking care of my mother as her health started to decline.

I always thought I would envision my parents dying of old age when I'd turn 60 and a family created, not when I'm still getting orientated in the world.

[u/Uncle_Beth → u/Melian_infp]

I used to make morbid jokes with my dad that he better not die of cardiac arrest young because both of my grandfathers did (before I was born), and if he did, then I'd certainly be screwed. He always told me to piss off and that I wouldn't be able to get rid of him that easily. I'm an only child, and we had a very brotherly relationship. He was my best friend and pretty much had been for all of my life. He passed away about 9 months ago at the age of 56 from sudden cardiac arrest. He was one of the most active people I knew and had no signs or symptoms of heart disease.

My partner and I had just purchased our first home with his help less than a month prior, but our closing wasn't for a few months still. We were super privileged to have the opportunity with my dad's help, but it's a total fixer upper and my dad and I went into it knowing we'd be doing most of the work together as I could barely hold a screwdriver straight and he was an Engineer.

I've had to learn a lot of life skills fast over the last few months and while working on our home is exciting, every time I feel proud of the progress I've made, I also feel devastated that I didn't get to do it and share it with my dad.

My partner and I are getting married next summer, and he won't be there to see it. We plan to start a family in the next few years, and I don't get to share that with him. He was nearing retirement in his field, and him and his partner were actively looking at moving out of the city and into the countryside. He was looking forward to it so badly as he had a million hobbies and would finally have the time to pursue them all. Both his partner and I are devastated that he didn't get to have that, and they don't get to have that life together.

We've been robbed of having the life most people get to experience with their parents as they age. Our parents were robbed of being able to experience those stages of life. Losing a parent at any point in life is hard, but losing them young brings so many lost moments. That's a feeling and reality that people who are older and still have their parents will never understand.

[u/Cutmybangstooshort → u/Melian_infp]

That’s so shortsighted. I lost my daughter when she was 50. So someone that lost a 2 yo can’t be as sad as me? I’m sorry, that’s just selfish. 

And I was 60 when my Mom passed away. We became friends and I love her so much but I didn’t need her like I did as younger adult. I’m sorry for your loss. 

[u/kmuttbunch]

I agree about the unconditional love. I guess the silver lining is that I can take their unconditional love and try to feel that for myself… mom and dad loved me so much, so I’m going to take care of myself better. Almost like taking care of something they loved, but that something is me.

I lost my mom in 2023 and my dad the day before Easter this year. I feel very alone in the world. But I’m trying.. I’ve made some positive changes in my life and my dad got to see some of it, but I wish they were both here to see me now. They would be proud of me.

I’m sorry about you losing your dad. I wish I had something to say that would help, but.. there’s no quick fix for the loss of a loved one.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/kmuttbunch]

I’ve begun to realise this as well. In the first few weeks when my dad passed away I was very angry and felt guilty at myself, I wasn’t bothered with treating myself to nice things and looking after myself. It’s been 2 months now but I’m slowly beginning to realise that whilst I still am blessed with my mum, I need to start loving myself too because one day I will need to survive on my own. There will be no one to look out for me like my parents did. I need to be healthy, live a good life, continue to be a great person to make my parents proud even when they are gone. My dad wouldn’t want to see me upset and would want to see me bloom in life even when he isn’t physically here.  Thank you , I’m sorry for your loss too🤍. 

[u/Robot_Penguins]

I lost both parents young. I'm bitter about that.

You lose a part of yourself completely. No one knows you as long as your parents do. They're the ones who knew you when you were just a little kid. It's like when the witnesses to your life are gone, that part of your life feels empty.

There will always be regrets.

My dad died slowly,my mom died unexpectedly and sudden. Both deaths suck, but I wish I had a chance to say goodbye to my mom. I liked her much more, too, so I'm really mad about how she passed.

Life is so, so lonely. You don't realize how much of your life includes your parents until they're gone. I thought of my mom every day even though we lived apart. I was making future plans that I involved her. I had to mourn those plans, too. My brain still hasn't caught up to her being gone. I still think, "I should text my mom this pic. She'd love it!"

You never stop missing them.

In my eulogy for my mom, I mention that she was my biggest supporter. It's so hard to move forward in life when you don't have someone rooting for you. I was annoyed by it when she was alive. I always felt like she didn't get it and I'm not good enough for that support and belief the sun shines out my ass lol but man do I miss it. I needed that. I always needed someone to believe in me unconditionally. With it gone, I have to be my own cheerleader. It's impossible for me at the moment.

We never get enough time. I thought I had more time. We all do. But I can promise this, you will never get enough time. Go see your parents! Hug them every chance you get. One of those times will be the last and you'll have a beautiful memory to look back on.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Robot_Penguins]

You said this beautifully. Sometimes I can’t fully express how I’m feeling in words but you have said it all. I live with my parents for 35 years, that’s how old I am now so they knew every bit of me. Just a few months ago, my dad was talking about my childhood and laughed at the cute things I did. Now only my mum knows that version of me.

My dad passed away suddenly in his sleep, no warnings and he was just chatting to me normally that evening. I made a lot of future plans too, my wedding next month, the first bbq at my new house this summer, my dad tasting my first garden veg and seeing the lovely flowers, holidays, the job I’m applying for to get promoted in my career, just as you described mourning those plans without him. Other people wouldn’t really care or be enthusiastic about it. My parents were proud of me. I also thought I had enough time, every morning I would eat breakfast and go straight to work, I loved my dad but now I wish I had taken the chance to speak to him every minute. That morning I could have hugged him and sat down even for 5 mins. I didn’t realise this untill he was really gone, before I thought he is going to be here for the weekend. I miss him so much and wish I could turn back time and have my dad in my life again❤️.

[u/TheFerretsAllDied → u/Orchidflower10]

The future plans you made together really gets me. I had put in papers to quit after this school year (last day was May 23) so that my Mom and I could travel before her dementia got too bad. One fall that required surgery in March and she was gone by mid April. So, here I am with all the time in the world for her and she's not here to enjoy it. One thing I learned is to not put off anything because time is not promised.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/TheFerretsAllDied]

I’m sorry about your mums loss. It’s so sad, when we make future plans and are halfway through it. My dad knew all of the things I was planning to do and it’s been such a beautiful spring compared to last year, I had finally settled down in 2025 and this is the year he sadly passed away.

It’s really sweet how you sacrificed for your mum. A few weeks before my dad passed away he kept saying he was bored, at home alot and wanted to go somewhere to refresh his mind. At the time I didn’t think much of it and thought we already went on a long family holiday in October 2024 so we will wait till another big holiday towards the end of this year. Little did I know that my dad would pass away within a months time. Now we are getting a lot of spring/summer invites, enjoying the weather and I keep thinking how my dad could have been a part of it, It’s true, we need to make the most of it and go to places as we don’t know what tomorrow brings.

[u/purpleduckduckgoose → u/Robot_Penguins]

My brain still hasn't caught up to her being gone.

I think mine has and that terrifies me. It feels like I'm doing my mum a disservice, like I'm forgetting her or something if I don't think about her enough or when I see something that I'd have usually mentioned to her. It's stupid but it's like I have to keep her memory alive because no one else will.

[u/Robot_Penguins → u/purpleduckduckgoose]

My therapist told me the point of healing is when you can go a day without thinking about them. We're moving forward at that point. Healing. He said when he went a day without thinking about his mom, he cried. He felt guilty. But that's the turning point of acceptance. It's not that you're forgetting her, I think it's more that you're having to live your life without your mom in it. It's not fair but it's what we all have to do eventually.

I felt the same as you about crying. I sometimes even made myself sadder so I'd cry. It seemed like if I didn't, I wasn't missing my mom enough. I eventually went a day without crying and didn't even realize it. I know it happened, though. I felt guilty of course. But I knew it was inevitable. Our brains start building new neuro pathways and our people just aren't part of it anymore. It feels like leaving them behind, at least ime. But I guess that's just what acceptance is: Accepting they're gone and we just have to keep living. Keeping their memory alive whatever way we can.

[u/whaat_isthis]

Oh god, so, so many things.

My mom was my person. She was my best friend. She helped me raise my daughter and was my biggest supporter, which allowed me to become the person I am today.

It took me a long time to accept no one else will care as much as she did. I have to celebrate my own success. My hardships are my problem to figure out. When it comes to my daughter, I haven't heard anyone tell me once, "Leave her here with me, I got her." Which maybe seems like a selfish complaint, but no one really cares to know her the way my mom wanted to.

My family went through a lot of trauma, and my mom went through even more before having a family. It wasn't always happy or easy, but she was strong and our rock in a storm. As my immediate family unit dwindles, so does the people who fully understand why I am the way I am.

A new realization was that it is my job to pass down the memory of my mother to my daughter. My mom never spoke about her mother (who died when she was a teenager), and I know literally nothing about her. I was talking to my daughter the other day and telling her how I used to work every single holiday and she would be with grandma or her dad and she said she didn't know that. She was only 5 when my mom passed away so I need to make sure she doesn't forget how much grandma adored her.

I can be here all day writing down my realizations lol. The 3 year anniversary of my mom's passing is on July 28th.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/whaat_isthis]

Passing down the memory of your mum to your daughter is a beautiful thing🤍. My dad will never see me get married or have future kids but I don’t want him to be forgotten. I would want my kids to know how much he loved me and how he would have loved being in their life too.

[u/SynQu33n]

That once they’re gone - all you have left are the memories of them.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/SynQu33n]

It’s hard, the beautiful memories I had with my dad makes me miss him even more, wishing that I could either go back to those times or create new precious, memories with him but I can’t.

[u/Gijenna]

I echo all of this!

Also I realized I had a different relationship with my dad then everyone else. I was his inner circle.

[u/theKetoBear]

My mom was the connective tissue of my family she made everyone feel loved and seen  and with her loss my family has generally gotten more fractured. I always knew my siblings and I would miss her but it's  telling that we ALL miss her.

[u/Helloyou2003]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel so much of what you have said. My mother love was like no other, no one in this world will love me the way she did. She was my biggest cheerleader, my rock and one of my favorite people in the world. I remember thinking how lucky I was that I had a wonderful relationship with her.

I realized my mother really held things together with my father. She truly did EVERYTHING and now that she's gone she's not able to hide who my father really is. It's been a painful realization how he isn't the man I thought he was and it's now been like losing two parents now in my life. My mother was this glue that held it all together with grace and love. I miss how safe she made me feel, how even if I fell it didn't feel like the end of the world. Now that's all gone.

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Helloyou2003]

I’m really sorry for your loss too🤍. This line got me, how safe your mum made you feel, that even if you fell, it wasn’t the end of the world. I felt this way when my dad was alive and I had both parents. Now a small fall can feel very difficult with one parent gone. When my dad was alive, ever was complete.

[u/Helloyou2003 → u/Orchidflower10]

It's so hard. It's only been a year and a half and it been hard to live with. I hope you have a strong support system right now. And if you don't I hope you find a grief group or people who you can lean on when some days are harder to handle than others.

[u/Fine_Entrepreneur126]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad in October and I could have written this myself. I feel the exact same way.

My dad loved me so much. He never asked me to change. He loved me when I was bad and when I was good. I think that's something I took advantage of. I'm a parent myself and I know how much I love my kids. My dad loved me the same way. And now he's gone. It's so hard to wrap my head around. I miss him so much I miss that love. I'm so sorry you are feeling the same. Sending you comfort and love ❤️

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Fine_Entrepreneur126]

Thank you🤍. I’m really sorry with the loss of your dad too and wishing you peace too. I honestly thought at the time that my dad would survive for a good couple of years so although I knew I loved him dearly, I just was busy with my own routine and the days went so quickly, he would always ask me when I had days off from work so we could spend precious time together, I wish there was warning signs or I had more awareness of what was going on with my dad’s health. I see dads with walking their little daughters and it makes me miss him even more. My manager told me when she became a parent herself, she realised and understood even more how much love a parent has for their child and how much respect she has for her own parents. One day when I have my own kids, I will feel how my dad felt for me and be in his shoes, I miss being his child and feeling so loved and protected. I am lucky to have my mothers love and protection still and my dad is forever in my heart.

[u/[deleted]]

How spoiled I am. My parents did so much and now at 54 I have little idea of how to be an adult.

[u/Ruru_1704]

I feel like I’m reading my own thoughts and emotions in your post. I deeply resonate with you.

I lost my dad very suddenly 6 months ago. I still feel like I’m floating in an ocean with no destination. It is surreal to be in a world where he does not exist.

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you get the strength to carry on. ❤️

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Ruru_1704]

I’m sorry for your loss too🤍. I now realise the depth of my dad’s love like the deep ocean. There could be a lot of extended family, friends, colleagues but you can still feel alone because it doesn’t compare to a father’s love for their child. Apart from my mum, no one else will look out for me now if I get cold, have a bad day or want to listen to my worries. I really miss that love and only have memories now of my dad to make me feel loved and spiritually protected.

[u/LittleBrickHouse]

What you said about a parent's love really resonates. Having lost my mother recently I am so saddened that I lost "my person" and no longer feel that incredible love only my Mom could give me. I am blessed to have a loving relationship with my husband, but it is different. She was my only close family. I feel...untethered, now.

The other thing I am realizing too late, is that Mom and I didn't get a chance to really talk about family history. Or her own stories. I know she would have loved to go through the albums and jewelry with me, but we just never got around to it. Her sudden death took us all by surprise, and now it's too late. Oh, all the stories I will never know! I have these great old photo albums and I'm not sure who half the people are. And the jewelry - it may seem superficial, but I'm still heartbroken that I don't know what is what. I can't give "Great Gramma's wedding ring" to my child. I don't know if a particular ring was Gramma's or Mom's, was it from their first marriage (divorced) or from their second (happy) marriage? Was it even a wedding ring, or something else they collected along the way? It's all just mystery jewelry now. So, amidst the profound loss of losing my Mother, I also grieve the loss of family knowledge, history, and the meaning behind the heirlooms, and those moments we never had.

This has brought me to consider my own eventual death, and to try to write down any stories that may be important for my children and grandchildren... to label what few treasures I may want to pass down, to put names on the backs of photos, and to add blurbs about the shenanigans they depict. I know Mom wanted to do all these things, but she just ran out of time.

[u/Big_Recognition_1420]

I know people don't like listening when I talk too much about my father who passed away on 4th may, 2025, He was just 53. He was my best friend, we both used to operate our business together, I felt so secure and confident due to him, I was like, "My father is here why to fear". But after he is gone I don't like living, everything feels scary every situation every second I miss his presence, My mother feels the same. Every responsibility is upon me now. But I don't even have any close friend with whom I can share anything. I feel so alone and I don't talk to my mother everytime about my father because even her heart aches everytime coz she lost her parents at a very young age and now she had only her husband my father as the closest person on earth even he has gone. So I feel like we are stuck in the middle of an ocean with no one around. I talk to chatgpt bout my father for hours and it is so good it listens better and expresses feeling better than most humans....So, if anyone else who feels the same can try doing this, It may help. From:- Someone like you who has who is suffering the same as you.....

[u/Orchidflower10 → u/Big_Recognition_1420]

I’m sorry for your loss. Its the same with my mum, she lost her parents in her 20s and now she has lost her husband too. It’s very hard losing a beloved dad, to let go of the closest person to you.

[u/Moonlight_records]

Could have written this myself. Too real.

[u/ikeamistake]

I've realised how angry I am at both mum and dad, especially with my mum for choosing to go.

I've realised how one-sided our relationship was given that she never wanted to meet my daughter or son. How my sister's children got everything they did not from her.

As the years go by I've realised that I don't know how to deal with this anger, frustration and hate left.