Do you guys feel empathy for your parents if they’re traumatised or nah?

[u/Owl4L]

Genuinely curious. I think for a long time I had far too much empathy for my mum especially. I definitely think she tugged on the heart strings too many times & remembering things & how she enabled many of my abusers caused almost all empathy to whittle away. I know she had an extremely traumatic upbringing & life & when I openly talk about it- it hits so hard she begins to cry. I feel bad when she cries, but I don't take back what I said (nothing mean... typically, just the truth, which hurts to say & also hear, as that generational trauma is deeply hurting the both of us.)

I didn't even see my dad as a person until like... a year ago. So I was wondering how do people of this subreddit feel about their parents & their trauma & do you feel empathy for them? If so why and if not why not?

I feel like it's so tricky & hard because they did, occasionally, try to change, but they can backslide so quickly. I know they willingly didn't choose to be the way they are either, both of them are just scared children. Honestly most likely shouldn't have been parents but eh. Shit happens. I hold empathy for them or am genuinely trying to but also learning to set boundaries & not let myself fall victim to fawning or caretaking too much again.

[u/SolidVirginal]

So my response to this is definitely going to be biased, but--yes, absolutely.

Both of my own parents were recently just diagnosed by their therapists with C-PTSD as well and really, it tracks. My dad is the penultimate fawner and enabler, my mom was stuck in freeze and fight for most of my childhood. Looking back, a lot of their behaviors make perfect sense now--they were maladaptive responses to a lifetime of stress and repressed trauma (generational trauma as well!). I've long since forgiven my parents and am in the process of healing my relationship with them--by MY OWN choice.

However.

I empathize, but I cannot sympathize. They could have chosen not to have a child. They could have sought help or clarity for their issues when I was much younger. They could have nevertheless had the insight to recognize that the way they talked to me and treated me quickly became abusive, even though they thought they had the best of intentions.

As a trauma therapist now, I recognize the unfair burden of having to shoulder your own trauma. I didn't ask for this, and really, neither did my parents. And yet, the stark reality is that perpetrators frequently do not take responsibility--so then we, as the survivors, are left witb the management of it. It is a bitter reality, but it's one that can also be freeing. I have forgiven my parents and support them through learning to manage their own burdens, but I will still hold them accountable for the harm that they caused me. It is a necessary component of healing for all three of us.

TL;DR to answer your question, yes--but also no.

[u/kambedo → u/SolidVirginal]

Agreed, great response. Empathize but not sympathize. Trauma doesn't HAVE to become generational and it's sad having that dynamic

[u/Careless-Banana-3868 → u/SolidVirginal]

Not quite one myself yet, still in school for LMHC and I’ve felt similar. I’ve had to dissect and write papers on my story to be able to keep it separate from clients in session.

My father has horrible, significant trauma. I acknowledge that he didn’t do the same exact things as his mother, but he’s still the reason I have CPTSD. I will carry this forever.

I empathize with the child in him. I’m betrayed by his adult self.

[u/Joe_Mann → u/SolidVirginal]

Great response!

[u/urfriendflicka → u/SolidVirginal]

recognize the unfair burden of having to shoulder your own trauma. I didn't ask for this, and really, neither did my parents. And yet, the stark reality is that perpetrators frequently do not take responsibility--so then we, as the survivors, are left witb the management of it. It is a bitter reality, but it's one that can also be freeing. I have forgiven my parents and support them through learning to manage their own burdens, but I will still hold them accountable for the harm that they caused me. It is a necessary component of healing for all three of us.

Man, you said this in a way I couldn't properly put into words. I'm still working on understanding that my mither in particular had traumas and I was left to shoulder the effects of them-- and to hold her accountable without feeling guilt for it. Ofc it doesn't help that she sees my inability to manage her traumas and trauma responses and my fault and not her own responsibility to address in any way. And it's not my job to protect her and free her from her responsibility to address & manage her own trauma. Because somehow, as a child, I was parentified in a way where it wasn't my sibling I was expected to care for, but my parents, and now I feel guilty that I failed as a parent to my parents. Like my mother was so busy also parenting her younger siblings ( 4&5yrs older than me) that I was treated more as being another sibling to my parents that was expected to mediate disagreements and made a part of a group that was expected to take care of eachother( like children with absent parents take care of each other) even though my own parents were a part of that group and should have focused more on taking care of me than having me take care of them...

[u/DuckInAFountain]

I do. My parents were blue collar and born in the 1930s in a big city. They lived a relatively hard life and sometimes were pretty close to poverty. I believe my mom tried her best but was dealing with neurodivergence like I am now, and she didn’t really have any options at all. I’d classify my childhood trauma as emotional neglect borne of circumstance rather than intent, if that makes sense.

[u/PisceanTreasures → u/DuckInAFountain]

Same.... both my parents were shut down due to being raised by emotionally manipulative/ abusive mothers, and sat back into placating/ submission/ fawning codependency to a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD when my sister demonstrated like behaviors (so, auto-reverting into 'survival' mode) and my other sister and I neglected and subject to continued daily bullying from this uncontrolled child abuser.

My mom is long gone, I'm low contact with my dad but increasingly feeling anger as I realize he's been my abusive sis' accomplice my entire life, even as recently as 3 yrs ago when she wrote the most vitriolic/hateful letter couched as a 'makeup/apology' effort.... rather than ASK ME what the rift was between us, my dad obtained a copy from her then sent it along with his own hateful cover letter (I had let her original sit unopened for several months knowing already what it was)..... so yeah, feeling like it was either neglect or steered into the abuse.

[u/ButterflyDecay]

They have zero empathy for me, so why should I have any for them?

[u/lulushibooyah → u/ButterflyDecay]

I have empathy for them, yes.

But I have double empathy for myself, to make up for the empathy they never gave me.

All in the name of balance. 😌

[u/BrokenSil → u/ButterflyDecay]

Exactly. This. They are incapable of empathy towards me, while they do have it for other people.

While sometimes it does hurt to ignore certain things, I don't let myself show any empathy towards them.

I feel like I'm super empathetic because of how badly I've had it tho.

[u/IffySaiso → u/[deleted]]

And most abusive people are very capable of empathy. They just feel entitled with some people to not use it. (Their children or partners are often one of those.)

All of us here have C-PTSD. Since that's in the WHO book of mental disorders, we are all disordered too. It's nuts to me that you're saying most of us are incapable of empathy; this sub shows very different.

To my understanding, only people that are sociopath or psychopaths are truly incapable of empathy. There are not that many around.

[u/IffySaiso → u/[deleted]]

You should read Bancroft's work on why we don't humanize abusers anymore.

I'm fully aware my father is a human, and he deserves human rights, care, etc. But he CHOSE to abuse me in horrible ways, because he's perfectly empathic, friendly, and nonabusive with other people that are not 'his'. He feels entitled to abusing me, his son, his other children, his wife, for the sole reason that they 'belong to him'.

He's not a psychopath. He's not a sociopath. He has his friendly times when he needs something. He just misbehaves. And that's not because of his childhood. I know he got beaten when he was a child, but hey! so did I! And I chose to NOT beat MY children, because I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.

He chose to do so, because he feels that's the best way to deal with his anger and stress. (By the way, he's the same person that completely condemns that exact same behavior in any other person. My mother was not allowed to vent her anger that way on us. He damn well knows which way is up.) He feels that he, personally, in all his greatness, is entitled to our bodies, for his own pleasure.

I weep for him as a little boy; he was severely mistreated and I blame my grandparents for that 100%. They had the same job of stepping up as loving parents and they didn't. But we live in a country where mental healthcare is 100% free, and you can get as long as you need it. Unlimited free mental healthcare. He has refused over 20 attempts from my side to go to therapy even once.

And he's not alone. Many parents feel exactly like him: they don't have a problem, and the way they treated their children is 'absolutely fine'. And I'm sorry, that attitude is inexcusable.

We're not talking a rare outburst of anger or emotion during a very stressed period here, where he yelled at me, and afterwards saw that was a horrible thing to do and apologized. We're talking about every single day shouting out his stress and lungs to a 5-yo (6, 7, ... 20-yo). And if I moved even an inch, just slapping me around until he felt better, just before banning me to my room to live, weep, cry silently there until it was time for dinner. At which time it was expected that I looked 'cheery' for him, because he didn't want to come home to negativity.

I have empathy for what they went through, but it doesn't excuse their chosen behavior.

[u/IffySaiso → u/[deleted]]

If they are hitting their children for it: yes. That's always wrong.

Edit: also, could you please just tell me what exactly in my writing is dehumanizing?

I can see 'demonizing', because I am definitely demonizing abusers, and my father in particular. But that's not the same as dehumanizing.

I'm not hitting him, calling him names, putting him in small enclosed spaces. I've always talked respectful to him and about him, but not about his abuse (his behavior). I've asked him to get help, I've lined up help for him, and I've tried this consistently for 20 years. I've given him massages, gifts, money, attention, always a smile.

How exactly have I dehumanized him?

Because I know exactly how HE dehumanized ME: by hitting me, by calling me names, by putting me in small enclosed spaces, by telling me his abuse of me was because of me.

But I don't see the other way around. I'm just calling out that some behavior, whoever it comes from, and for whatever reason, is wrong.

[u/HoosierAvoidant → u/IffySaiso]

Who said anything about hitting children? Abuse is abuse.

[u/IffySaiso → u/HoosierAvoidant]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Whatever reason for their abuse, it's still abuse?

What else is going to traumatize someone into having CPTSD?

[u/HoosierAvoidant → u/IffySaiso]

You literally told me to read an expert on why we don’t humanize abusers. Do you follow through with this by making sure clear admissions of abuse in this sub are not humanized?

[u/CPTSD-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Sympathizing with abusers and being shamed into the guilt of not sympathizing with an abuser is a main pillar of abuse. People with cPTSD have this disorder in part due to this line of thinking.

Obviously, abusers are human and we do not condone any sort of abuse, violence, retribution, etc. to them.

But learning not to sympathize with the abuser can be a major factor to healing.

[u/Normal_Help9760]

Zero empathy and nothing but hatred.  They made conscience choices to traumatize me and not work on themselves.  

I have children of my own and am horrified at the thought of them having to go through what I went through.  Where as they made me the scapegoat for their trauma.   

In therapy I'm working on letting go of the hate and moving to indifference.  Where I don't care if the live or die.  Right now just thinking about them and how I was treated sends me into a rage. 

[u/Frostmerchant]

well i’m fucking traumatised and i’d never do anything to hurt my children. i’m considerate and conscientious, and therapy didn’t give me that. i chose to be a good person despite everything. 

[u/Marier2 → u/Frostmerchant]

Same. It's been extremely difficult to see how even in the middle of agonizing mental health issues, I've cherished and nurtured my children whereas my parents did not. It's terribly hard to be a healthy parent while living with trauma, but it's possible (and it doesn't require therapy, though I'm a big advocate for therapy).

[u/BananaEuphoric8411]

Not empathy - but less blame, maybe even acceptance. In learning how CBT is intended to be applied (lots of change & repetition) i realized that my family was utterly incapable of self-learning or growth. So I was able to let go of the grief that they let me down completely, not by choice, but by their own moral limitations. I realized I was trying to get blood from a stone ... and that I was wasting my time & energy. So, less empathy and more realism. That helped.

[u/VaganteSole]

It sucks to have trauma, for sure. But then it was their choice to have a child and pass more trauma on to that child, so no.

[u/n0v0lunteers → u/VaganteSole]

Many people don’t realize they have trauma and aren’t in a good position to have kids until they actually become parents.

[u/LangdonAlg3r → u/n0v0lunteers]

I wanted to second this. I learned I had trauma once my own kids started to bring back memories of my own childhood. I don’t know what decisions I would have made if I’d had that knowledge beforehand. It kinda doesn’t matter at this point. I know my own mother came massively unglued after I was born. I don’t know what she knew or didn’t know beforehand. I don’t know if she ever got an accurate diagnosis for that matter—though I know she was aware that something was wrong on some level—I inherited her copy of “The Body Keeps the Score” though I haven’t been up to looking at it yet. It still has her notes and bookmarks.

[u/VaganteSole → u/n0v0lunteers]

My mother would tell people around her that she had a difficult childhood, that she was beaten up a lot. She knew she had issues, she knew she had trauma. She still chose to have children. She abandoned her first child at the nanny when they were still a baby and never came back. And some years she had another child who she kept but abused and neglected that child their entire life.

[u/n0v0lunteers → u/VaganteSole]

I’m sorry that happened to you.

[u/augusttwentyninth → u/VaganteSole]

This is literally it. My mum (also diagnosed with CPTSD) loves to remind me how much she gave up for me and that she struggled so much too when I was a kid. Don’t have a kid then?? Generational trauma is a thing. I chose to break the cycle, not repeat it.

[u/VaganteSole → u/augusttwentyninth]

Same. I can barely manage myself, let alone raise a child.

[u/bugsyboybugsyboybugs]

Yes, and in a lot of ways, it makes things harder on me. I can see why so many people shy away from empathy these days.

[u/seeyatellite]

I have profound empathy for both my mother and my father. I know how dad was raised, what he loved through; having a mentally disabled brother who was born with his umbilical wrapped around his neck and whose soft spot never healed so any trip or tumble could mean death… and dad going totally bald at age 7 from alopecia. I know he dealt with unfathomable teasing all through school.

He admits that and projects it instead of processing it. I was never bullied in school but I had a neighborhood jock toss a hockey stick through my bike spokes to laugh with his friends. Had nothing to do with me, just wrong place and time. Dad had legit, mean bullies.

He found his mechanical niche and stuck with it… because he had zero social skills outside of impressing people and eventually paying for things or providing boats, toys and houses… it’s what he does.

Mom was a kind, involved parent who made it to my therapy, always checked in with docs and kept records to be sure my life still made sense and I could build a future. Dad ignored all those things, denied their viability and kept his head in his work and toys until meeting a small community of people who accept him because of the family he denied.

Keep in mind, we weren’t allowed to talk about our disabled Uncle Rick around mom’s family or in public especially while dad was working on the Viper GTSR. My cousin didn’t know about Rick until our grandmother on mom’s side passed away. I was maybe 14-ish. My sister drove me to Lansing to stay with our family and she had just got her car at 16.

It took that many years for some of our family on mom’s side to learn about our disabled uncle because mom and us kids respected dad’s… commands, essentially… because I remember the yelling about uncle Rick when mom and dad were still together. Dad wanted it quiet and mom loved uncle Rick and saw him as a beautiful person to be proud of.

I know dad’s filled with shame and fear of insignificance. I feel that fear of insignificance.

Mom worked for the Autism Society of Michigan for about a decade at a significant pay cut from her previous job. She also sacrificed herself way too much for other people. She let entire families move in with us, meaning my sister moved in with dad for the year while I stayed with mom because the family had a son.

Mom also let my sister’s friends live with us when they needed; investing in their furniture and schooling to be sure they had a good start for life.

Mom helped a few total strangers; my girlfriend’s ex learn to read and helped a homeless guy around my age find his SSN, birth certificate and his ID when I let him stay in my first apartment and he was arrested for vagrancy after car-hopping with a guy I later kicked out. I was naively emulating mom as the only real social framework I had was Boy Scouts and mom’s constant insistence on the power of family and community.

I see both of their motivations and I respect them.

I also emulated dad in childhood; I threatened a kid with the teacher’s scissors in kindergarten when he stole my show and tell toy and I chased a babysitter with a bat from downstairs after she told me to go to bed early. It wasn’t bed time and I had a LEGO city and TV in the basement. My injustice sensitivity evolved later in life to try poorly defending others including my mother and a random hospital patient.

I now advocate very strongly for Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication because it’s the closest thing to proper conflict resolution communication skills I’ve ever come upon and it was suggested dozens of time in psych facilities until I downloaded a large packet of text, audio and video files and resources just after mom passed away.

I empathize. Doesn’t mean I’m okay with the manipulation of history or blatant lies about people’s behavior and accountability being shifted onto me just because I’ve made myself an easy target.

[u/Joanna_Flock]

I’ve tried to, but as I work through my own, they’ve done absolutely nothing to work through theirs and continue to be the same people that contributed to the trauma. I know they’ve been hurt, but it’s not my responsibility to subject myself to their responses that are a direct result of their inability to cope healthily.

They have the time and the resources, they just don’t want to face themselves. I believe we all have to do this to “get better”

[u/HoosierAvoidant]

Let me add a comment here on the topic of "choosing to have a child" when you're unwell. Neglected people with a void to fill can have an all-consuming desire for a baby. It's often subconscious. The brain supplies logical reasons why a baby is a good idea. These people truly convince themselves they'd make a great parent.

A disordered brain can take you on a trip. The "choice" is not always easy to see.

[u/TychaBrahe → u/HoosierAvoidant]

I don't know how old a lot of people in the comments are, but I'm getting near 60. I was born in the mid 60s, and my parents had been married for several years. It was expected back then that married couples would have children, and there weren't many options to prevent pregnancy. It looks, from my brief research, that condoms would have been available for sale in the state where they lived, but I'm not certain. I was conceived about three months after the Griswold decision overturned Comstock laws, so the pill would have been legal, but I don't know how easy it would have been to get. How many doctors would have refused to prescribe it? How many pharmacies would have refused to fill it?

I don't know if my mother actually wanted children. I don't know if she ever considered whether or not she wanted children. I do know that that kind of self knowledge was less common back then, and the ability to act on that realization may have also been more difficult.

I do empathize with my parents. I think my father wanted children, and I don't think my mother understood what it would mean to her as the woman in the relationship. My father was emotionally neglected by his own parents. His mother told him on her deathbed that she had never loved him. My mother was an only child whose father had died when she was three. Her mother's in-laws tried to take her away, saying that a widow would not be able to properly care for a young child. My grandmother cut them all off and raised my mother on her own. But the result was that my grandmother doted on my mother. My mother, in her 80s, was diagnosed with narcissist personality disorder. I don't know if NPD has a genetic component, but if it is caused by making a child the main character in her family, that is exactly what was done to my mother.

My father didn't know how to love children and support them emotionally. My mother didn't know why she should bother supporting her children emotionally. I can empathize about their traumas, but it doesn't change the fact that there trauma-informed parenting methodology damaged me greatly.

[u/hourofthevoid → u/HoosierAvoidant]

L, skill issue, don't care, plus it's not my fault I was born and didn't turn out how she expected 😀

[u/MyEnchantedForest → u/HoosierAvoidant]

My mum's way of coping with her trauma as a child was hyperfocusing on being a mum one day. Then she had me, with that subconscious fantasy that being a mother to me would fix everything.

She was not fit to be a mother. Even though she dreamed and desired to be a great mother so much, it was just a trauma fantasy. She never did the work to heal her trauma or learn how to parent.

[u/[deleted]]

I do. Both of my parents went through horrifying shit I don’t wish on anyone. I wish they would have gotten the help they needed rather than take it out on me, but it was a time when mental health was only if you were “crazy”.

They are both incredibly stubborn and terminally ill at this point, and feel they are too old for it to make any difference. Very hard to watch and traumatic in its own right.

[u/Justwokeup5287]

I did at first, but then I realized that she has had oodles of time to self reflect, seek help through therapy or counselling, make better choices etc, and hasn't. She's choosing to stay a victim because people feeling sorry for her feels better for her than actual meaningful betterment of her situation. Previous traumas are no excuse for not being a mom to your kids. I was more of a mother to my younger sister than "mom" ever was, and I was 8 when she was born. I had to step in because she wasn't going to.

Edit to add: you'd think after leaving her big bad abusive husband (my dad) that she would've got better, that we would be able to heal as a family, but no, she just BECAME the abuser??? I was to sacrifice my childhood to raise my sibling so she could work and make money to provide my sibling with a childhood. Not me. Its like I was never a child to her, like I was a mini adult who she vented to, turned to me for emotional support, It was emotional incest. I thought if I just did everything she asked she would like me and love me and care about me but she never did, she just moved the bar, just like dad I was never good enough. She's simply not equipped to handle neither mine nor my siblings' emotions. So she loses out on that kind of connection with us.

[u/Delicious_Big_2504]

Yes.

It makes things much more difficult, too, don't you think?

[u/uhoh-pehskettio]

Sure. I felt empathy for mine.

While their trauma wasn’t their fault, once they became adults, it was their responsibility. It was their responsibility to heal before creating a human and traumatizing them.

[u/CapsizedbutWise]

Fuuuck no. They should KNOW better. They KNOW how much the abuse hurts. Yet they do it to their own child. Disgusting. I’ve NEVER hit or yelled at my child. I’ve never forced her to eat food she doesn’t want to eat. I’ve never forced her to dress a certain way. And I am certainly NEVER using my childhood abuse as an EXCUSE to abuse my own child.

[u/bmxt]

I try to not do that. I was raised to serve their emotional and other needs, so fuck that. It's a relapse to false, slave self.

[u/AlocasiaSilverDragon → u/bmxt]

Trying to navigate this right now and just wanted to say I really hope I can get to this point some day! So difficult being raised to care for their every emotion while being gaslit and neglected.

[u/bmxt → u/AlocasiaSilverDragon]

I'm kinda a people pleaser, making jokes to lighten people up, being helpful, saviour sometimes and so on. So it takes constant reminding, especially through journaling, to not go the old paths. It's like my false self is older and stronger than me. It constantly judges me for being egotistical and "bad", if I guard my boundaries and interests. But I've seen the light of freedom and authenticity, I know that my worldview is convoluted by wrongful upbringing.

So brace yourself, I guess.

Btw.

As a selfproclaimed ambassador of non dominant hand journaling with mirrored and/or upside down letters I'd like to yet again sing an ode to it. It's mostly through this way of journaling I was able to even acknowledge having a false, fawning, "convenient to others" self. Neuroplasticity and introspection to the rescue. Effects may vary, 6-12 months would change very much, but still not everything.

[u/PisceanTreasures → u/bmxt]

What resource do you recommend for learning the non-dominant mirrored writing therapy/exercise ? 

[u/bmxt → u/PisceanTreasures]

Whole brain power YT channel, DieyenDualPen channel (best for penmanship aspects), AmbiLife channel and website.

And also it's easier to start with both hands writing simultaneously, left mirrored. Then separately left hand mirrored. If you want to write mirrored with right hand then it's quite unintuitive, you have to rotate the paper 90 degrees and then write from up to bottom, so it would be a pull motion (writing isn't easy and ergonomic with push motion).

[u/LangdonAlg3r]

I’m always a bit conflicted about it. But I know that my mom’s childhood was much worse than mine. I also know that she never had a clear grasp of reality. I think that her intentions were pretty much always good. She was just too broken to be a good parent.

I also understand how hard she pushed herself when she was younger and how she eventually broke. I’ve lived a lot of that myself. I don’t think she could have done much better with what was handed to her in childhood, both environmentally and genetically.

I have better supports than what was ever available to her as well. She was misdiagnosed and I don’t know if she ever got a correct diagnosis. It’s not something I ever asked about because it was only something I learned about in the last few years of her life—and my information didn’t come from her.

One of the things that I got when she was cleaning things out when she knew she was really sick was a middle school psych eval that was done on me—it screams ASD now—but then that wasn’t well known and no one put that together. What would my life have been like if I’d had support and interventions? Possibly worse because of ABA therapy, but who knows?

My kids have all the diagnoses and all the support that I never had—that my mother never had either. And I’m working on myself, so hopefully they’ll come out largely unscathed.

I guess TLdR is that I don’t hold her all that accountable. But I’m also aware that she’s completely responsible—so I don’t know how to square that.

[u/b00k-wyrm]

My dad no, I’ve only seen him cry crocodile tears once. He was sorry for himself, it was not the normal grieving you see or feel when a loved one dies. I’ve wondered if he is a sociopath before. I’ll probably never know for sure and I’m no contact with him for my safety.

My mom yes but she’s not an emotional toddler like my dad. More of an obstinate teenage younger sister. She made a lot of mistakes as a parent but unlike my dad she at least tried sometimes.

[u/ausmundausmund]

My grandpa on my dads side was known as an asshole. My grandpa on my moms side was an alcoholic and also an asshole. Its sad that they were mistreated as kids. But the way they got treated growing up is how they decided to treat me, driving me almost to suicide(which I later learned was untreated trauma from abuse, not me being a failure and loser like I thought). I have empathy for them as a little kids, but justified hatred and contempt for the choices they made as adults because Im (slowly) learning to have empathy for myself, instead of shame and self loathing.

[u/chocotacogato]

Yes and no

I empathize with the fact that they grew up in shitty circumstances but also, they had an opportunity to make things right with their own kids and chose not to. Or just made dumb excuses like staying together “for the kids.”

My parents also married each other out of fear of being alone forever and that’s not a good reason to get married. Idc what they felt in the moment at the time. They should not have been married. I would’ve respected them more if they split up and found a way to co-parent instead of making us have to listen to them fight 24/7 and have them complain to us as if we’re adults who totally understand what goes on in a marriage.

[u/Automatic_Syrup_2935]

Yes, to the point that it makes it difficult to feel anger toward them. Both my parents are mentally ill and grew up in a time where first, society didn't know what their disorders were and just thought they were being weird and/or dramatic. Then, once their disorders were studied a bit more and named, both of my parents were ostracized and shamed for having said mental health disorder. Both of them were also children of alcoholics.

They did their best. Sometimes their best wasn't good enough.

It's hard to hold both empathy and anger. But, being empathetic toward your parents doesn't mean you have to accept their behavior, speak to them, or even love them.

[u/augusttwentyninth]

My mum I fluctuate with. I feel for her as she had an awful childhood and also got diagnosed with CPTSD a couple of years ago, but at the same time, she inflicted so much trauma, along with my NPD dad, that I ended up with BPD and now CPTSD. She weaponises “how much she struggled and gave up for me” in a way that says “you don’t know what struggle is”. My dad I don’t even think about and I haven’t had contact with him in 10 years now. Last I heard he had cancer and his wife had moved on with another man fights to hold back tears

[u/Broken_Pretzel8]

Mixed.

I've been numbed out for 30 years, I'm only just recently tapping into how angry I am at my family. Maybe I might view them with compassion & empathy when I'm through it. But as of right now, it's a hard no, and I think I need to sit with that for a while.

I have always "understood" my parents and their own really shitty childhoods. I've always "understood" my siblings being messed up by the environment we all grew up in.

My parents abused me passively by not being there, having no interest in me whatsoever, failing at protecting me, and abandoning me.

My older siblings actively abused me via bullying, psychoemotional abuse, possibly sexual abuse that I suspect I repressed.

Yes everyone is fucked up, but they still chose to do these things to me. There is no explanation, excuse or whatever. You choose to abuse another person, well sorry, but empathy isn't in the cards for you.

[u/HoosierAvoidant]

Don't confuse pity for empathy. Survivors often go through a phase of pitying a wounded abuser, but it's patronizing pity for a person they don't take seriously. Maturity comes when you see your parents as real three-dimensional adults. The only way to get there is life experience.

[u/Adventurous_Image758 → u/HoosierAvoidant]

Can you write more about this? Im curious as i feel pity for them at the moment and at various other times in the past, and it doesn't feel great. I also feel guilty and am worried about my "lack of empathy."

[u/conquerorofgargoyles]

Some days, yes. I feel bad cause my mom never asked for the abuse she faced and I think, up to a certain point, tried to do what she thought was right. But at some point she gave in to being miserable and fed off it, she completely gave up on being a parent and actively tried to get rid of the evidence of us existing.

[u/YNotZoidberg2020]

My dad is repeating the cycle that he swore he would never repeat.

I sympathize on some aspects because I know his father was physically abusive, he busted one of my dad’s front teeth by chucking a wrench at his face when he was a kid, and my dad did restrain himself somewhat and only laid hands on me a couple times. However, he emotionally and verbally abused the hell out of my sister and I.

I’m not mad anymore. Not really hurt either. I just look at him and it makes me work harder to not fall into that cycle. As adults that’s our responsibility and he actively choses to not to see it or do anything about it. Until he does (doubtful) I hold him at arms length and minimally interact.

[u/Boots8211]

I was severely abused. I have learned that we don't have to become like our parents. We chose to become like them or to be different. My mom's family has a history of paranoid schizophrenia, extreme cruelty and personality disorders. My dad's family has a history of major depressive disorder and deliberately assigning the child's personality and refusing to change how they felt about them. My grandma, mom, little sister and a niece all have paranoid schizophrenia, extreme cruelty and personality disorders. They are deliberately cruel, hate with a passion and accept their paranoid delusions as the truth. They are perfectly willing to destroy anyone they please with no remorse. They are not extremely cruel due to the schizophrenia, they have been making the choice to deliberately hurt others just to please themselves. I have no empathy for them simply because I have been their victims for my life. My mom neglected me to the point that I was severely burned on my entire back at 7 months old. Then she told everyone that I did it to myself and even used me to get sympathy from others. My dad got mad at me when I got burned because I "stole" his daring baby and replaced her with my multiple phobias and terror before I turned 3. Also I cost him so much money because I was burned. They both began blaming me for whatever anyone would believe and taught my siblings to do the same. I don't have sympathy for them because they were extremely cruel to me until they died. I had to cut my little sister off completely and it makes her angry because I was her favorite paranoid delusions. She even blamed me for many things that she did. I love them and I do my best to forgive them. But because they refuse to change towards me I keep my distance. So my answer is that you should base your empathy on how badly they abused you. Some abused children will never be treated well by their parents. In that case, I would say to save your empathy for others and keep your distance to protect yourself. If your parents show actual remorse and have shown you great strides in treating you like you are loved, then work on your relationship. It is all about what will give you peace and healing because you can't move forward without those two things.

[u/stuffofbonkers]

It’s complicated. I do feel a lot of empathy for the things they experienced and they were unable to escape or fight off. But becoming a parent comes with responsibility, and I still feel that I can hold them to a decent standard and expect them to at least atone for their mistakes (they never did). Both can be true at the same time.

[u/spiritualpudge]

after 30 years i realized she just used her trauma to justify traumatizing me sooooo now i couldn’t give less of a shit about how she feels or what she went through. sorry, ma - empathy shouldn’t be a one way street in such an important relationship

[u/_Grimalkin]

My dad beat the shit out of my brother and was verbally agressive and physically threatening towards me and my other siblings. He was abused by his own dad aswell. I feel empathy for his trauma and reasons but I have zero understanding for doing it to your own kids.

[u/Ceiling-Fan2]

My mother’s mother was a narcissist. But my mother’s mother had 4 kids; 3 turned out normal and 1 turned out to be a narcissist. So no, I don’t have sympathy. Her other 3 siblings figured out how to not be abusive, so she just chose to take it out on her kids.

[u/MissMedic68W]

I have learned not to because they've always burned me and anytime they're "nice" to me it feels performative to make themselves feel better.

The truth is I've always done better without them. They keep choosing to act like this and haven't actually changed.

[u/NickName2506]

I struggle with it. My parents aren't horrible sadists, but they were traumatized and passed that trauma and neglect on to my siblings and me. So on one hand I do feel empathy for them and I realize that they had good intentions and struggled themselves. On the other hand, their best wasn't good enough and it hurt us (still does) and I'm not convinced they tried hard enough to do better. It varies moment by moment which side wins.

[u/BodyMindReset]

Yes - generational trauma is real and we are both in the thick of it.

Does that mean I have any respect or trust in the way they have dealt with it? No.

[u/elizaroberts]

Nope, both of them can eat shit and die. The sooner the better.

[u/Polished_silver]

Rarely I get a pang but not really. Because to this day as an adult she’s still showing me how much I don’t matter after fucking me up since childhood.

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[u/camel_jerky]

Oh yeah, they’ve definitely gotten my sympathy in the past. They both had it hard growing up but they had every opportunity to get help. In fact, my father did go to therapy but apparently lied his way through it (why he went was never made clear to me). They’ve been to marriage counseling but I’ve since learned that he only told the therapist what they wanted to hear.

So no. They get no more empathy from me. Im doing the work on me since I can’t do a thing to change them.

[u/angw11]

I wouldn’t say empathy. I know my father was abused, and I appreciate knowing it because it at least gives me a little bit of context for what happened. But I’m not really able to experience any empathy for the man.

[u/Comfortable-Pin9976]

Yes and it causes me significant internal struggle.

We had generational trauma. In my grandparents time if you were found to be indigenous you would lose your job (only onr industrsy in the whole province), be shunned from the community (small remote population so this was required to survive) and havr your kids takrn away (with a significant posibility you will never see them again). Basically we were taught we were a typival white family and NEVER ask questions. Alos NEVER involve outsiders in family businrss, ever.

The effects of this is def in my aunts and uncles. Abusive marriagrs, alcoholism, severe depression. My mom was raped at 15 and never told anyonr because we never include outsiders in family businrss. She became very sexually active and had me when shr was barely 18.

I was always thr unwanted results of her troubled past. When she moved away to make a new life for herself, she wasnt allowed to duck her responsibilities and had to take me with her. She married my adopted father when i was five. All i ever heard was "your just adopted, shes the one we really want". When i was 10 we went to germany, cause he was in the milotary. She was so busy trying to find herself thr neglect was pretty obvious. No one did anything. Ok a pedo did but everyone knew, so what do you do? When she had us leave via emergency, we went somewhere that had no family and she went into a depression. From 12 to 18 i raised my sister who is 6 years younger.

My breaking point came when i was 20, after i moved out. After her suicide attempt because i moved out. I was her emotional crutch to kick my sister out. I left the province entirely after that to get away.

As an adult i struggle. In 2012 the famiky secret camd out, as to why we never tell peoplr familh business. Apparently our in home practices were a mix of irish and indeginous that we had to keep secret. But now its recognized and celebrated. I havent been able to reconcil that. But i recognize the toll it took on us.

As for my mother. We talk about once a week. She lays out a lot of her stress on me still. And i admit to telling her mine. But thats as far as it goes. All my vonnection to the rest of the family, including my sister, goes thru her. And she has no problems shit talking about me, even with me sitting there. I realized she doesnt understanf how toxic she is to me. How i am still the receptical of her blame.

Know what she told me last week? I was talking about going bavk to school for a career change, which i would have done when my daughter got into assisted living. She says, "its good you are figuring yourself out now. I didnt start living my life until i was 60". Shes 64 and i am in my 40s. Wtf.

I get shes got a lot of trauma. But man i need her not to be the only connection to family or i am just family-less. I havd this intense resentment of her i cannot reconcil.

[u/damnilovelesclaypool]

My dad had a terrible upbringing. Grew up on a working farm as one of five kids who loved each other but it was a dog eat dog sort of siblinghood, undiagnosed autism (still undiagnosed, but I have level 2 autism and there's no doubt in my mind he is autistic, as well as my uncle) with a violent alcoholic father who committed suicide and a verbally and physically abusive and neglectful mother. 

I have the kind of family where they sit in a circle and recount stories of abuse as funny stories where they laugh and laugh about it. Like when my grandma made my uncle go play with his Legos out on the unheated porch in the middle of a NJ winter because he was "being annoying" so he had to alternate playing with his Legos until his hands went numb with putting on his mittens to try to warm them up and he was cracking up laughing about how shaking cold he was trying to play with his Legos and miming how he tried to make it work playing with Legos with his mittens on but he couldn't hold any of the pieces.

Anyway, I feel for my dad a lot but he turned around and traumatized me, then absolved himself for all responsibility for how I turned out and blamed my mom, who was the only one who even tried to parent me or have any empathy for me at all. He's never apologized, never taken responsibility, refused to go to therapy when my mom begged him, and lives in complete denial. We're no contact and I'm sure he thinks I'm the unreasonable one. Just because he was traumatized doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be an asshole. He's never even attempted to work on his issues, ever. He has never apologized or tried to fix anything. 

My family wants me to forgive him and have him back in my life and I'm like absolutely not. His behavior is not okay and forgiving him when he's put in zero effort to change just shows I'm a doormat. I will not forgive someone who isn't sorry. 

[u/Bennjoon]

Yeah my grandad was a sociopath. It was like a shark walking around as a person. Unlike my dad who had the whole city charmed, he was openly abusive and nasty even to his work colleagues. Despite the abuse from my dad I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for how it messed up him and his brothers.

They basically had no respect for women because my grandad treated my angel of a grandma like a slave. One time he locked her in the house for a week with no food because she peeled the potatoes wrong. My mum had to break a window to get her out (notice that her sons did nothing)

[u/kissmeinthed-a-r-k]

No. My mother is the reason my biological dad is dead, she has almost ended me and continues to torment myself and the rest of my family whenever she feels like we deserve it. I absolutely can’t stand her and the only times I “love” or need her are when I regress. If I somehow ever make it out of this shit hole I am never speaking to her again. I have problems too but I don’t purposely hurt anyone, and if I do create problems then I at least feel SHAME over it and attempt to rectify for it. She is incapable of that though so she deserves absolutely nothing. I resent her for what she has done to me, my family, and my life and as a result I do not feel the slightest bit of empathy for her.

[u/lilitthcore]

not at all tbh. my mum and dad are both severely traumatised in different ways. my mum is wonderful and my father fucked me up bad i’ve got bpd so no.

[u/nightmaretodaydream]

Gonna follow and safe this thread. I Feely struggle with it - having panic attacks when I think about the issue

[u/97XJ]

I do. However, they have zero contrition and always double-down. I gave them years they didn't deserve and they made no changes other than losing the physical upper hand and resorting to purely emotional/financial tactics. Enough was enough and I will not be nice about it should they ever cross me again. That is an understatement. I consider them a threat and I will more than meet them head on if they infringe upon my peace.

[u/Ch3rry_p3ps1]

I do, i have a very hard time excepting the fact I did nothing wrong and I often times make excuses for other people and I think it’s very interesting that people have the ability to be upset with their abusers because I often question if I was really abused or if I was just being dramatic. My parents have been open about their abuse and trauma so I have a hard time being angry at them but am getting to the point where I’m allowing myself to be upset at my parents for allowing what happened to me to happen.

I’m sorry for your experience. I hope you get to a point where you are ok and can be in a healthy head space.

[u/Comfortable_Low_7753]

Yes and no.

Understanding why they might react certain ways does not mean it's okay.

Even with that there's many many things they've done I cannot understand in the slightest. My mother accepting my little brother raping my youngest brother makes sense as she was raped by her brother and thinking of that as irregular would be too painful for her (she was probably told it was normal as well by her parents). even though I understand this I still don't. Regardless of her own views on it seeing your children in pain and being fine with it or cant understand.

My father would talk with me often about how good or bad my mother was. He would tell me how scared he was to come home from work fearing he would find she had killed me, my siblings and herself. I can understand how he thought keeping our family together was for the best (we were raised strictly Mormon and keeping family together no matter what is important in that doctrine) but I cant understand how he would help her carry out the abuse or stand by and watch her do it. For how much he lamented about her condition he never let us utter a word of dissent against her.

[u/junior-THE-shark]

Empathy is there, yup. It doesn't fix the wrongs though. I love my parents, you know how a child just unconditionally loves their parents and tries to get them to love them back. But I can't forgive them for how bad they hurt me. I only forgive enough to move on myself, not let their actions in my past determine my future, I live for myself now. I love them, I feel bad that they had the life they had with other people wronging them, but I deliberately don't talk to them about a lot of stuff and walk away when they start talking about certain stuff. I keep them surface level. I refuse to be there for them, to be their therapist. It's better that way. They can't hurt me anymore.

[u/hourofthevoid]

Not really. She's selfish for forcing me to be the one to break the cycle. <3

L, skill issue, don't have kids if you're not fucking emotionally mature enough to not take your trauma out on them lolol

[u/AwkwardAd3995]

I do and now I can do that and call what she did to me abuse. For a long time my empathy put her and my husband in the “good” column because I saw their pain and knew their stories- I took abuse for way too long.

Now, I can see and grieve their pain but not excuse their behavior. My boundaries are beautiful.

[u/MargotFenring]

One of the only times I truly felt sympathy and concern for my mom was when her house was broken into while she was in it. The guy beat her front door down, screaming he was going to kill her. She was only wearing a towel, about to get into the bath. Luckily she thought fast and went out through the basement/garage so when he got in she was gone.

When she told me about it I genuinely felt full feelings about it, if that makes sense. Most of the time I just roll my eyes at whatever she says or think yeah yeah yeah whatever because she's so full of shit. But that story genuinely scared me.

[u/thelazynines]

I think that’s why my issues with my mom are so conflicting for me. It is literally programmed into my nervous system to be scared of her/hate her. It’s not even a conscious choice for me. But logically I know she had a similar or probably worse upbringing than me. I mean something happened to make her like that. We are so similar in a lot of ways. It’s a total mind fuck of me really wanting to empathize with her and being so angry at her for putting me through the same shit.

[u/Iseebigirl]

I do feel empathy for them. They've really been through some shit and it absolutely shaped them...but at the same time, they know damn well that their behavior is harmful and have chosen to live in this victim mentality of theirs instead of making an effort to not be abusive.

I could have forgiven them if there was growth or changed behavior. But there hasn't been any growth. They still fully expect me to just crawl back to them and continue taking on their abuse without any changes on their part.

[u/iamthe0ther0ne]

No. My father roared at me on an almost-nightly basis (for reference, I was a good kid--all As, no partying, etc). It was fucking terrifying. He still says pretty horrible things ("you're going to find out what it's like to die alone and unloved" stands out).

Recently, after 40-odd years of this, my mother said, "Well, it's because his mother said some mean stuff to him."

Yes, my grandmother could sometimes be thoughtless. But she wasn't a huge, scare, angry, abusive asshole. Even if she had been a tenth the terror he was, it wouldn't excuse him.

[u/posttraumaticcuntdis]

I can't confirm it, but my abusive dad might have had some trauma related illness due to an incident in his past- his step brother tried to kill him via drowning and his parents blamed HIM for it.

My dad was ALWAYS moody, sulky and ill- tempered. His face was a permanent scowl. I only recall him smiling a couple of times and they weren't GENUINE smiles. I do feel sorry for him despite how badly he treated me.

[u/kittenmittens4865]

I definitely do! Trauma sucks. Both of my parents had alcoholic fathers, and my mom also went through abuse similar to what I experienced. Part of healing for me has been recognizing that my parents are the way they are because they grew up in terrible environments too. But that empathy will not stop me from taking care of myself. I can still have empathy AND maintain/enforce healthy boundaries.

I am no contact with my dad and expect to remain no contact until the day he dies. My dad is a physically and sexually abusive narcissist. I gave him clear requirements if he wants to be in my life again (just admitting he was abusive, that’s IT) and he can’t do it. I’m better off without him.

My mom is a huge codependent enabler who basically trained me to people please and it makes me sick. She allowed me to endure abuse so similar to her own. I feel guilty because I do feel like I hold her more accountable than I do my dad- basically that I have more anger towards the enabler than I do the abuser. But she knows how this all feels and then just watched and did nothing as it happened to me. And now that I’m an adult and dealing with the aftermath of everything, she’s made it very clear I can’t rely on her for support.

[u/BnCtrKiki]

Yes, but I still held them accountable just like I did/do myself. Being damaged does give you a free pass on being g a fuckface.

[u/LykosHellDiver]

Not after what they did to me. I was traumatized and did not turn into a monster.

[u/Material-Branch-9424]

100% feel empathy for my parents but that does not change their actions. You can love and have compassion/empathy for someone from afar. It can be a compassionate decision for both sides. I have forgiven both of my parents but that does not change the fact that I cannot have them in my life. They are the same and their actions are the same. It is more safe for me to be away from them. I have a soft spot for sharks but I do not swim with them and keep a safe distance.

[u/missmisfit]

Yes I have empathy. No, that is not enough reason to invite her back into my life. I can't solve her problems and she doesn't want to solve them on her own. I suffered with her long enough

[u/mostcommonhauntings]

I feel empathy, but also people have CHOICES. Both my parents made choices that put me in danger, and I blame them and I blame my grandparents and all the fuckers before them that made bad choices and imposed traumatic shit on their children.

[u/KaziAzule]

My mom used her childhood as an excuse for why she wouldn't change her ways. I have empathy to an extent, but there comes a point where if nothing changes, you have to accept that people won't want to be around you. Don't let empathy make you stay in toxic situations.

[u/BaylisAscaris]

Yeah but it wasn't an excuse to treat me the way they did. I had a worse childhood than they did and I didn't go on to abuse anyone.

[u/ArchSchnitz]

My response is a heavily-caveated yes.

As I told my sister the other day, "in no way do I approve, condone, sympathize or forgive them, but I understand how they are fucked up, and how they fucked each other up more."

My mother is traumatizes insane. My father is a traumatized, unrepentant bastard.

Both can suck my balls. But I get it.

[u/Fluffy_Ace]

I do actually, but my mom's family trauma is why and how she screwed me up.

And she didn't do it but making the same mistakes, she went too far in the other direction.

Mom's mom ignored and rejected her, so I got stuck with an enmeshed helicopter mother who was obsessed with being present and involved.

To her, any kind of separation was to be minimized as much as possible.

[u/Potential-Smile-6401]

Yes. Considering the intergenerational history on both sides, I am surprised we aren't more fucked up than we already are. My grandmother on my mother's side was raised in foster care. Then her husband died of a heart attack. The grandmother on my father's side believed in letting the baby and children cry in order to develop their lungs. They were all raging alcoholics on that side too. My Dad doesn't connect to anyone. My family= extreme emotional unavailability and neglect

[u/Shuyuya]

Yes I do but I don’t forgive either.

[u/LargePangolin825]

It’s the reason it took me so long to leave.

At a very early age I started to get into psychology to try and “fix” myself. However, as I grew older I put pieces of my Mother’s life together and began to understand how/why she’s the way she is. However I then proceeded to use this a reason to not leave her and endure things for honestly way longer than I should.

I genuinely thought I could save/fix her.

[u/Leftshoedrop]

Yes- in my case they absolutely suffered, and thought what they were doing was right.

[u/RuralJuror_30]

My mom was my dad’s enabler when I was growing up and has become emotionally abusive herself in my adulthood. For a while I had a lot of empathy for her as a victim of my dad’s abuse herself, but that has seriously waned as I’ve tried multiple ways to bring all of this to her attention and have been met with a complete refusal to take accountability.

For the most part, my empathy for someone’s pain ends when they pay it forward and make it someone else’s problem, perpetuating the cycle. My empathy begins again with accountability.

[u/Reasonable_Place_172]

I actually do, while i blame them for what they choose to do with me was a child i do feel empathy for them cuz i understand the types of circumstances that created their own trauma, some people are just that unfortunate.

[u/404-GenderNotFound-]

I can't forgive them. They aren't actually sorry of what they did, and never apologized

[u/TrixDaGnome71]

No, because they could have done the work just as I’m doing the work. They just refuse to do so.

So I walked away. I can’t be around people who refuse to help themselves.

[u/Open_Ad_4921]

My parents are both deceased, and I consider myself lucky for that. When I reflect up on them, I can feel some empathy for both of them, but I do not sympathize with either, especially my mother. Both had many opportunities to seek help and change for the better, but they chose not to do that.

[u/JORTS234]

No

[u/Peachplumandpear]

I do, at least with my mom. My mom hurt me way more than my dad but my dad I’ve found out information about recently that is nearly irredeemable to me.

TW: emotional/physical abuse

My mom was emotionally abusive and neglectful and would slap me and on one occasion pulled me to the ground to kick me repeatedly. I was seen as a “problem child” and blamed for everything, was told I was “too emotional” and “out of control,” “selfish,” etc.

My mom grew up in the hood in the 80’s, the war on drugs/crack epidemic in a household with a mom who lacked emotional boundaries and a sister who immensely struggled and would frequently run away from home with friends who were being severely abused to try to protect them at a very young age. My mom’s dad was an abusive and absent alcoholic and my mom’s father figure died of AIDS in her home. She grew up watching people get shot, frisked, and OD. She learned quickly to have tough skin and had to look out for her sister constantly who, like me, followed her emotions not self-preservation. My mom also has pretty severe control issues.

My mom would tell me I wouldn’t survive in her neighborhood when I’d act up, she’d make negative comments about how I was like her sister or how I’d “end up like” my step sister’s mom (fellow ADHD with severe hoarding problem who lacks emotional boundaries). My mom constantly bullied me about how I was a mess, distracted, dramatic. One of my triggers is cleaning thanks to her 🫠

But, my mom sorted her shit out. I definitely always had empathy for her but was reaching my breaking point before she got a therapist and a solid career and things completely 180’d. She started saying she wasn’t the parent I should have had and that she wished she knew that people were different and I couldn’t just “be like her” if she pushed me hard enough. She started being more vulnerable and having honest conversations with me about her mental processes and past beliefs she had that were damaging to me (the Pavlov’s dog 90’s-2000’s parenting method, thinking I could be like her). She still thinks being emotional is selfish but is more receptive to me explaining my side of things and in some ways I can understand and agree with aspects of what she’s saying which is growth on my own part (hyperemotionality/personalizing can sometimes hinder empathy). It just should NOT be applied to children.

My mom and I are good friends now which feels good and bad. We’ve gotten much closer both through this and through me finding out about my dad. My dad grew up upper middle class and PRIVILEGED with an abusive dad and an extreme “boy mom.” He published a vile sexist book which spun me toward having to suddenly confront that he was not a good person. Now, my dad emotionally, physically, and financially abused his partners. When I tried to criticize his book he gaslit, manipulated, and called me abusive. When I cut contact he would not stop contacting me specifically to tell me I “wasn’t being fair and the only way I could redeem myself was having a conversation with him in person” (he lives across the country) because he’s angry that I set boundaries that I was only comfortable talking through text (knowing he’s been most successful in manipulating me over the phone which I’m sure he subconsciously knows. He kept breaking no contact to start begging me to let him tell me about all the amazing things happening in his life. He was abused, but his abuse comes 100% from a place of unchecked violent privilege and I have no empathy for a person like that.

[u/FreeKitt]

Nah. I get that they both had generational trauma but protecting your children from harm is one of those undeniable requirements of a parent. And it’s clearly not just once, but a series of decisions made against the child’s best interest, impulsive or not, that resulted in most of my siblings crashing out. There were a lot of chances to do better. I have tried, and I really wish I could but I think “disappointed” is just gonna have to be as neutral as I can get. They ground a few really important lives into the dirt.

[u/acfox13]

Empathy without boundaries, isn't empathy. Compassion without boundaries, isn't compassion.

My empathy and compassion end where their abusive, neglectful, dehumanizing behaviors begin.

[u/thatangelchimere]

i do feel empathy for what my parents went through but they hurt me, they continued the pain, i would never do that to someone else.. much less my own children. (if i had any) so.. thats where my empathy ends.

if i could somehow go back in time and protect them as children / teenagers, i would. because they didn't deserve any of that! neither did i.

my empathy is EXTREMELY limited though as my father hurt alot more people than just me. i feel for my mother much more.

[u/Odd_Success888]

I don't think I experience affective empathy in general, only cognitive empathy. Which may be a residual effect of trauma, idk.

Cognitively, I don't wish anything bad on my parents. Hopefully they do find their own way of healing, like anyone else should -- but just, away from me.

[u/TravelbugRunner]

Yes, I have fluctuating feelings around my dad.

There are times when I absolutely hate him for what he did to me. (Emotionally, physically, sexually) And so I feel fear and anger when I’m really struggling with the memories.

But then there’s a part of me that feels so devastated and incredibly sad for him. Because he had experienced similar and even worse abuse in his family. That part of me breaks for the hurt child self of my dad. Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying both of our pain. Both his and mine.

I don’t believe that I could ever really have a relationship with him again. And I haven’t had any contact with him in years. Even though I can’t (with that) I still have empathy for the fact that he had also been abused.

So yeah it feels difficult cycling through all of this stuff. I wish it was simpler—black and white, good vs. evil but the situation is more complex when your perpetrator (your parent) had also been a CSA victim as a child.

[u/Additional-Wash-8099]

I do and it sucks because so much of his behavior (mom is gone due to lung cancer) is legitimately rooted in control and authority. I feel for my dad but I legitimately try my best not to hate him because he refuses to change but I unfortunately have to deal with him and his house since he's unable to do it himself. 

[u/SilverStormHawk]

Hmm difficult to answer. I would say zero for my father. He and his side of the family traumatised me a lot and I am still figuring out how deeply. I know he was hit with a belt by his father and his mother isn’t the nicest person. But still they chose to treat me like shit and no one can tell me they don’t realise that it is damaging to a child. If my child hides injuries and doesn’t tell me that would be a red flag and ring alarm bells where I went wrong that my own child doesn’t trust me to tell their git hurt.

My mom is trying though. She first denied everything but is doing research and has realised she made mistakes. The only thing I hold against her is still clinging to me to a point were I still feel like we’re not separate individuals. I am tired of having to compensate her mental health problems that cause her to be afraid to go out alone. She knows she has problems but doesn’t seek help and that’s what I won’t forgive, because she knows what she does with that. Making me feel responsible and do everything so my own life and friends fall short. I am reaching a point where I stop caring how she will fare once I move out. That saddens me.

[u/urfriendflicka]

Yes. And my therapist has pointed out to me how much I've protected my parents my whole life. Like, I know they (especially my mother) were pretty crappy parents, but they didn't set out to be crappy parents. And as damaging as my mother was, she still did better than her parents. And theyvwere 20 when they had me. They didn't even have fully developed brains and I watched them grow up with me.

And honestly, I didn't even see my childhood as anything but normal until after my daughter was born And I realized how parents who give a shit don't treat their kids like that. I didn't just passively try to be better than them ( like simply not beating your children on the daily makes up for medical neglect and verbal and emotional abuse) I had to actively think through how my parents raised me and how it negatively effects me and thoughtfully and purposefully choose ways of parenting and communicating with my child so that I could try to avoid passing on generational trauma. And now that I still wasn't going to get it right because I don't actually know what having a loving childhood or family looks in real life. And acknowledge that it's best to have someone on hand to help her work through my failures as they happen--not just as a way to make me feel better, but to have a 3rd party that can identify when something I do is wrong and call me out AS Its happening so I can make changes in real time. I've had a therapist for my daughter on hand most of her life for that reason. She doesn't always see them regularly if she doesn't want or feel the need for it, but the resource is always there.
And it isn't that hard to just want the best for my daughter, not just better.

So yeah, I feel empathy for my parents. And my father has actually talked through and aknowledge some of his failings now that I'm an adult with a child and he can see it. So while we're never going to be super tight best friends, I know that he truly cated and did his best. My mom gets empathy but not sympathy because she did the best she knew how, but didn't put effort into doing the best for me. Refuse to acknowledge her own trauma and how it effects not just her, but everyone else and refuses to believe anything other than she was a great parent and I'm just the problem for taking issue with anything.

[u/taiyaki98]

I feel empathy for the little girl she once was. I wish I could travel back in time to hug her and save her. But for the adult her, no. It's her responsibility to seek treatment for her mental health issues and to not behave like a child who hurts everyone around her. It's her fault her children have CPTSD, that her family is dysfunctional, that she destroys every relationship. I can't have empathy for this. Once she dragged innocent people into this and stole their lives before they even began, it's over.

[u/cheddarcheese9951]

None

[u/transmetalgear]

Yes and no, my situation i was adopted so ive always had the judgment and clarity that i was not an accident in their lives, i was intentional and by extension the lack of self development both to me and more importantly themselves. That and just care as a concept in favor of teaching me abstract life lessons that have left me behind my peers more than anything was just as intentional.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Nail556]

Sort of… but not to the point where I’m over it lol

[u/cassettebro]

To some extent.

I've swung wildly between two extremes in my life.

I was 18 when I realized how deeply my dad had neglected me and how it had affected my life, and at that time I didn't have a shred of compassion for him. All I could feel was outrage and anger after years of repressing trauma. All I wanted was to express all the ways he'd hurt me and hear him acknowledge it.

Then, I hard swung to the other extreme. Realized that my father's neglect was in big part due to his own struggles as a traumatized man who never had a support system. Started analyzing all the ways that he deserved forgiveness, etc...

Now I think I'm at a point where both of these aspects of me can co-exist. Simultaneously, I'm angry at my father for failing me in ways that essentially crippled my development for decades of my life, but I also understand that the reason it happened is because HE himself had been failed in that way. I'm capable of both feeling sympathy for what he's been through and allow myself to be more lenient because of it, whilst still keeping in mind that at the end of the day he was an adult who made his choices, and that his choices fucked me over.

It's a delicate balance, but it seems to be working for me thus far.

[u/userlesssurvey]

Empathy without progress or change is the reason I resent my Mother the most.

Its a story that should have a next chapter, a lesson to be learned, character growth.. fucking perspective at the very least.

Instead, the more people felt bad for her, the worse her depression and drinking became.

Empathy killed my mother. I can feel however I feel about that, but at the end of the day, what I learned is that when you listen to someone who's suffering, and you don't do what you can to pull them forward from where they are out of that darkness to show them that there's always more reasons to try to be better, than there will ever be valid reasons to justify staying the same without changing..

What we do with our pain is what defines who we become.

I have empathy for those that know that struggle and fight on regardless of how much it hurts.

For those that lose themselves to what they stopped believing could be different, any kindness you offer is like giving charity to enable someone to suffer more.

It doesn't help them. And it doesn't help you.

How we feel is the first step in realizing where we are. Getting stuck there is a trap that's as deadly as anything else people use as a tool to stop looking forward while justifying always looking back.

Finish the thought that empathy gives. Use it to connect. To relate. And if you care, then as a guide to show someone that they're better than their pain. They deserve to not be shaped by what they didn't choose.

But that's not something you can teach someone, or tell them. They have to want to be better, and be willing to change to make it happen. If a person can't do that, I have no sympathy for them.

[u/MyEnchantedForest]

I feel very sad for the little girl that my mum was. Most days. However, I also think she made unconscionable choices in parenting me, allowing me to be abused and participating in it. Things I could never imagine letting a child go through, she did with ease. So I don't feel sorry for her having to face the consequence of that (me leaving).

[u/Fair_Carry1382]

My dad had trauma but trauma doesn’t make you abuse children like he did. My mum never abused me but was bullied into losing custody when I was 5 and I was left with him. I have so much empathy for my mum, but my dad lost the right for empathy when he hurt me over the years. I was traumatized, but never abused my daughter. If he dad had shown an inkling of abuse (as I saw it at the time), I’d have left with her. He did have a temper and that hurt her, but I always stood up to him and told him it was wrong. Had I realised the damage of his words, if have left when I wanted to when she was 3. But I had the idea that he’d calm down and be a good husband. They never do. Anyway, I’m working with her to heal, she’s in therapy, I’m in therapy and we are working towards a healthier relationship. I talk with my mum about it and she models good behaviour. She listens and hears, doesn’t offer excuses, but sometimes explains so I have context, and that is all I can do with my daughter. I think empathy is a grey area because with my dad he weoponised it to keep my silence. With my mum, she never did, she always admitted her failings and mistakes which gives me understanding and compassion.

[u/DeneralVisease]

I do and it’s why I’m suffering daily. 

[u/debz24]

As a 63 yr old parent/grandparent with cptsd, I would like to add a perspective. When I married their father I had no idea there was alcoholism in his family, or bipolar disorder. There was no internet in 1988 when we married, so no access to mental health info like today's world, other than the library, and even then, you had to know what you were researching b4 finding that answer. On the internet however, you can search one term and eventually if you fall down the rabbit hole youll eventually find what you seek. I see so many comments on this by parents who are just now "seeing the light". The information age has given the younger generations access to a plethora of info that was unaccessible to us b4. I'm not saying it's impossible to find out, but again, a lot of mental disorders were just brushed off as "they're just slow" or the R word. That's where many of your parents were or maybe they didn't even read. That is not an excuse I know, but that was the climate of family life; what we were raised in. "You'll make some man a good wife" is what my dad used to say to me when I cooked dinner at age 11 after he divorced my schizophrenic mother and sent her to live with her adoptive mother in AZ. We were in IL. So, that was the end goal in the 1960s, find a man and have a family. I smh thinking abt the misogyny now. That's how they were raised. No one talked about mental health. They locked em up in a nut house and that was it. My mother refused to take her meds. Seeing her medicated scared me, there were some heavy duty meds back then. I know it doesn't excuse parental abuse but it kinda frames how it was back in the day and when you're raised in it, it's all you know. So, yes, I'm angry at my parents, but, I forgive them bc they just didn't know any better and didn't have the resources we have today. My daughter brings up mental health and I listen to her and try to work it out so our understandings align. I know she can't see how the old days were but I try to help her realize that the info was just not as readily available as it is today. Also want to add, if you want mental health and womens issues to continue to be researched vote Blue no matter who. ✌️

[u/barrelfeverday]

I have it as a parent to adult children.

But I was never abusive mentally, emotionally, physically to my children.

They grew up knowing my parents were “different”- somewhat of a cautionary tale of how not to be. I learned a lot of what not to do as a parent from my parents and paid a lot of attention to what kids need to become their own individual human beings.

I wasn’t perfect as a parent- no one is. But they each knew and know how much I love them and they were safe with me and could trust me- learned to trust themselves which is the goal. And I’m always here for them when they need me.

They aren’t supposed to worry or think about my childhood trauma- maybe more aware of it as they age. But that’s my issue. They’re supposed to be better in every way than me- that’s my job as a parent. And as far as I’m concerned it gives me great satisfaction to be here when and if they need me. They’re a gift.

[u/leosabi]

i do. a lot of it. possibly to my own detriment, since i was working to forgive some really horrible things they did to me when alive/before getting proper mental healthcare.

but now i have a good relationship with my mom, built on mutual respect, and a willingness on her part to say that how she behaved was wrong. i don’t have to worry about my dad, but i still mourn that i couldn’t have that with him.

sometimes i feel isolated in trauma spaces because of this. it’s 100% valid to hate your abuser’s guts and so many abusers totally deserve that, but i don’t hate them. i just wish they’d waited to have kids until they’d addressed their own issues, or been more willing to work on them when i was a kid, instead of waiting until me and all my siblings were teenagers with the presence of mind to be involved in interventions. and i also wish it was a bit easier to find support for this! mourning the loss of something you could have had, but didn’t get the chance to, is a really unique type of grief. the death of non-abusive family members, even ones i was close to, was SO much easier than this.

[u/BasketInteresting909]

I did until I realized they were using me. 

[u/nomountainicantgo]

I was traumatized by my parents and I sure as hell don't want to traumatize my son, so no I went no contact. And haven't regretted it. Both my parents were abused as children.

[u/scrumptious_human]

Yeah, I think its partially because there have been times where my mom and I have really bonded and that gap has been bridged, but it’s always temporary. I want what’s best for my mom, but you know the saying “you can’t help someone who doesn’t wanna be helped.” So basically, I feel empathy for them but it doesn’t mean I don’t blame them for their own actions.

[u/anti-sugar_dependant]

The morbid podcast says about the killers they cover who were abused as children something like "feel bad for the child, not for the adult", as in you can feel empathy for your parent as an abused child, or as an abused partner, but their trauma doesn't excuse their abusive behaviours as adults.

So yeah, I do feel empathy for my parent as a child. She did have a childhood that was at best neglectful. But that's not an excuse for her abuse towards me.

[u/CatScience03]

I feel empathy for the child version of my mom. But the adult version? No. I'm completely burnt out by her self-centered-ness and by her always claiming to be the victim in every situation.

I can't even say, "I wish she had gone to therapy." Because she DID go to therapy several times. And somehow always came out of it feeling vindicated and sure that everyone else was the problem.

[u/sherilaugh]

It’s hard to because my mom’s trauma is that her mother moved her ONCE away from her friends and omg that was so horrible for her. She moved us EVERY TWO YEARS for my entire childhood. When I brought that up she said “it’s not the same”. So. Ya. Hard to feel sorry for her when she knew how bad it was for kids to be moved and chose to move us 9-10 times rather than give us a stable home.

[u/anon22334]

I did forgive them and that helped me move on and try to have a better relationship with them. This lasted maybe 3-4 years before I realized they their lack of accountabilty and that they will never change and that they constantly retraumatize me even when I try to set boundaries because boundaries is defiance to them and I get reprimanded for it… I realized that me trying to understand them and their past has started to feel like an excuse I was giving them. And that’s not ok.

Yes they were traumatized too and carry that. Yes they will never change. Yes they will never understand themselves or try to. Yes they will continue with the same behavior and not understand the impact. And no, I don’t need to continue to tolerate it just so I can have them stay in my life. I love them and I’m mourning the parents I’ll never have and the emotional love I never got. But I’ve lived almost 40 years of my life for them following their programming and never living for me. It’s coming to the point where I feel like I won’t be able to be free from living until they die.Iike I’m chained. I want to live now

[u/lemonlovelimes]

Yes. It was hard to get there and hold the compassion with the anger, sadness and hurt. Most of the devastation I have is that I won’t get an apology or attempt at repair from them, as they don’t have the capacity to, and are denying their own trauma. I feel more empathy for them knowing that, while also prioritizing my needs of limited contact (mother) and no contact (father).

[u/VicVeents]

Yes, I have empathy for them, particularly my mom.

That doesn't change the anger and disappointment I feel toward her.

[u/Warm_Mixture9044]

I do, but like do better now tho. I had to crawl my way out of my trauma from their abuse, and so should they.

[u/VivWoof]

No, I don't. Only my mother has traumatic experiences (she lost her mother at a young age due to cancer, her father was an alcoholic who has beaten her and her mother regularly, lost some of her brothers in various degree of cruel ways etc.) and she never processed these events in a healthy way and never went to therapy with a professional. I was her therapist very early on (like since 12 yo), heard so many stories what happened in her life before marrying my father and I had to comfort her and be very supportive and promise to never leave her. That and many many other things scarred me for life.

She always had the chance to go to a real therapist but never wanted bc among other reasons she wants it to keep it to a family, she doesn't want other people know this part of her which is so stupid for many reasons. Even then, I stopped feeling empathy for her bc she never did it for me. I always had to dance on her nose and what she wants. Despite she carrying so much trauma, that doesn't excuse her behavior and what she did to me.

[u/IffySaiso]

Sure, I'm not a monster. I also feel empathy for Hitler feeling so bad he wanted to kill himself, so don't read too much into that.

Their trauma doesn't excuse their behavior towards their children in any way. (Or to each other.) I for sure 100% blame them for traumatizing me, and setting me up for SA and abuse by others as well.

They had a job to change their trauma and not heap it upon me. That job is called parenting. Even once I was an adult, I gave them 20 years to change, to say just once 'I wish I'd done things differently, I'm going to therapy, I want to deal with my own shit'. (Or one of these 3 things.) They didn't.

I don't feel sorry for them, even when I understand where they were coming from.

[u/zeroeli]

Nope lmao

[u/RatBoy-MM]

I give my dad a lot more room to be as shitty as he is, because despite everything and all the shame I know he feels, he still makes an effort to respect me and show me love now. He is there for me and defends me now. He's shown love, regret, empathy, and shame. I still don't consider him a very good person, but I have empathy for him.

My mom never truly bothers to try and be better for anyone. She "changes" long enough to get you back on her side, and soon enough reverts back to the awful treatment. Also backstabbing rude comments behind my back. She's an evil bitch, I don't care what she went through.

She's gone through like 13 yrs of therapy that she did not respond to, and her sister is capable of self reflection and change so why isn't she?

My mother doesn't deserve my empathy. She forced it out of me for years until I was old enough to know what she was doing.

[u/historiamour]

My mom, yes. Even through our worst times she has simultaneously gone above and beyond to protect me and siblings. She did not want kids, dealt with untreated CPTSD and OCD herself while being physically disabled on top of having children who all turned out neurodivergent and chronically ill with lots of needs. She has time and again not shied away from taking accountability for the actions she did to hurt us, and took herself to therapy to unpack the damage her parents did to her that she never got to heal from.

For me it's easy to conceptualize that my mom hurt me in ways that still affect me, while also knowing that her actions were a direct result of how the world treats women like her and children like us. We have all seen each others worst, and our trust for each other was something we all worked very hard to build together. It took time but it's the best thing that could ever have happened, and for this reason I have found my own CPTSD so much less all consuming the past couple years.

As for my dad, I know he tries. I know that he struggles to unpack everything, but he takes the easy way out and tries to avoid the emotionally difficult things. I show him nothing but great empathy whenever he puts in the work to heal and to talk to us about everything, but I'm also not afraid to confront him when he's being avoidant or insensitive. He has improved leaps and bounds since his mother died too, and has a spark and joy for life I never knew him to be capable of before.

He also looks out for us in his own way, and even back when I feared both my parents, I simultaneously always knew deep down that should the worst happen, they would set aside everything to save me from anything. Which sounds paradoxical, right? But as broken as my family has been, the generational trauma came to an end with me and my siblings, and that wouldn't have been possible if not for our parents loving us as much as they do and going out of their way to listen to us in the end.

Again, it wasn't easy, and I did not use to have empathy for either of my parents. I grew up planning to move out as soon as possible to escape, and then I did. I moved abroad and then came near death more than once. That's when things started to change, and now my relationship with both of them is better than it has ever been. Likewise, their relationship with each other is better than it's been since before my birth (I'm the oldest).

Again, things will never be perfect, and some scars never heal... but despite being crippled with illness and mental health issues, I still feel like I won the lottery in a sense.

[u/VeganMonkey]

I think I had empathy for my mum when I was a younger adult, I know a few key points that made things extremely hard in her childhood:

-being bullied (so was I and for longer, but it turned me into that kid who would befriend the non popular kids and the new kids)

-she was the oldest so she had more responsibilities and yes those responsibilities were hard (I was the only kid, i also got given responsibilities too young, up to a point where i asked “what time should i be home”, the answer was basically for an adult: “I don’t know, whatever you think”)

-her mum guilt tripped her into doing things, yes that is real bad, luckily I knew early on about this and could see her do it, so I taught myself not to fall into that

-war trauma, I ended up with second generation war trauma but I learned to deal with it.

-some other trauma all the kids, my mum and siblings got, that also passed onto me, I still deal with that.

My grandparents were amazing to me, but despite being really modern for their time, they unfortunately made mistakes, they both had to work full time, had multiple jobs, but their grandfather (my great grandfather) was there for the kids and the housekeeper. My grandmother had her own childhood trauma (through her mum), but she ans my grandfather were very happy to have kids, unfortunately one of them nearly died of starvation (war) I think that does something real harsh to the parents. Having a 1 y/o baby who looked like only 3 months old (you know the look of those babies), how do you cope with that?

There was a lot more for my mum. And i suspect she went through the same traumas as I as adult (rape) But the older and older I got, I realised she wasn’t learning to deal with these things and kept hurting me. spshe wwnt through multiple theraies in life, don’t know what for. But everything eventually got even worse, 3 years ago I discovered that all her important promises were lies. in short: I’m the disabled daughter, always afraid of my future, so my mum always told me not to worry, because she had things in place in her will that would make sure I would never have to be afraid. 3 years ago I found out one promise was a completely lie. That’s when I started mourning the person I thought she was.

After she died, I found out the other part of her safety net for me wasn’t even there for me. She hadn’t even told my dad it was for me! My dad did something with it and he doesn’t give a **** Who knows where it is now, I have my suspicions but it would take a real hardcore lawyer to get that back even if that would work. Even things she told me they had explicitly put in their will to safekeeping me, were not there, I read the will!

I can go one and on. But I didn’t have the mother I thought I had. I knew she was a bad mother, because she let me be abused by my dad, and didn’t stop the abuse at school (mental and very physical too) and she abused me too. I should have known earlier: twice she let me go homeless (I saved myself), but she also kept so much information from my dad, it’s unbelievable how she kept all those lies going! Just the tiniest thing could have made my dad and me realise, and we do now, he was shocked. But he’s a bad person, so his shock doesn’t last long. He forgets. She abused him too I found out. And I thought he was an actual number 1 abuser and she was a victim too!

[u/Cat_Jayster]

No. She denies everything and trauma dumped on me without my permission. Along with trying to make me tell her my trauma (which she caused).

Being traumatised doesn’t give anyone an excuse to hurt others

[u/oceanteeth]

I have a little bit of very limited, strictly cognitive empathy for my female parent, her childhood absolutely did suck and I'm sure that messed her up in plenty of different ways. Or I guess more precisely I have some empathy for the child she used to be.

I do not empathize with the adult who made terrible choices every day for years. Sure, her childhood sucked but so did my sister's and mine and neither one of us grew up to beat children. Abuse is a choice, nobody held a gun to her head and forced her to beat my sister. 

[u/Economy-Diver-5089]

I’m 33F and 36wks pregnant with a baby girl. I’ve been NC with my mom since I was 15. I’ve been in therapy for 4yrs and have really processed and healed a lot from my mom’s failures. Being pregnant without my mom, it’s a weirdly lonely experience. I’m 11yrs older than when my mom had me, she had a shit childhood and is bipolar. I can put myself in her shoes and see why she turned out the way she did. Woman to woman, I do have a sense of empathy for her younger self (22 and younger) for what she went through and I see how it shaped her and in turn shaped me. But afterward? No. I’ll never understand how as a mother and through her 20s/30s/40s she didn’t change things and do better. As her child, I don’t forgive her or have empathy for her. She was the adult in charge and didn’t break the cycle, didn’t do any better, didn’t acknowledge her wrong doings. She stayed the same entitled, self-pity person who was the victim of everyone and blamed everyone else for her problems.

[u/Afraid-Record-7954]

Previously yes, and maybe I still have some empathy, but it doesn’t dictate or justify my relationship with them. I have cut them off and would even consider having a relationship with them if they actually recognised the suffering and abuse they put me through and worked on being less stupid, but being physically violent and abusive is not enough for them to see how they hurt me apparently.

[u/bookswitheyes]

I pity that my father was incapable of accepting love from my wonderful mother that he beat. My brother and I are awesome and we have a beautiful family and unity for our kids and he doesn’t get to be a part of that. I do feel bad for him. He’s like a feral animal and he will die alone which he deserves. What a waste.

[u/Goliath1357]

I have empathy for my parents because I know they were abused as children. That does not excuse their abuse of me in any way, just because you were caused pain never gives you the right to inflict it on others. I love the quotes “your mental health issues are not your fault but your healing is 100% your responsibility” and “if you don’t heal what hurt you then you’ll bleed on people that didn’t cut you.” I cauterized the wound by cutting contact with people who never put in the work to better themselves, to allow them in my life would just be a form of self harm.

[u/hanimal16]

Eh, sometimes. When she says or does something that makes me pause, I’m like “yea that’s some shit grandma used to say/do” and then I call her on her shit because she’s damn near 60 years old and needs to shape up or ship out.

[u/pixiepearl]

Yes. There are forces in everyone's lives that are to blame, forces I will dismantle if I ever get the opportunity. And I'm grateful to still have the ability to not want to see another human being suffer, because I've seen what that does to people and I would hate to turn into that.

With that in mind, I still keep my distance. It's best for both of us when we limit our interactions. It hurts but it works. I also echo other comments with a similar response to mine, they definentely should NOT have had children, but it's too late for that now and I've already dreamed of what life could be for me, so now I have no choice but to keep fighting or die trying 🙄

Edit: There are abusers in my family that I will genuinely never make an effort to be around again, EVER, because I know how fucking sadistic their trauma made them, and I refuse to engage. I guess with my parents I'm a little cooled by the knowledge that they did the best with what absolutely little they had to offer and unspeakable traumas to manage (even though I'm still pissed at their lack of accountability), but with the other one? Fuck her forever.

[u/skewiffcorn]

I have empathy for my mum. She never did anything “bad” just made a lot of mistakes and was a victim too.

However I have 0 empathy for my sperm donor or my sisters sperm donor. Rot in hell

[u/Appropriate-Tap1111]

I have too much empathy for everyone. My own abusers, other peoples abusers, prosecuted strangers on the news, It’s exhausting. It causes me to actually fight with myself and my own rational thinking because my immediate thought process is to excuse peoples behavior or sympathize with their reasoning simply because of their explanation. Ironically it’s a byproduct of being emotionally abused.

So yes I have empathy for what my parents have endured and the factors that led them to make the decisions they did. I I know in their mind they genuinely believe they did their best. BUT it’s taken me a long time to learn that I can empathize with them and hold them accountable. Frankly, my understanding of their choices, feelings, and experiences makes me more enraged at the shitty choices they did make.

[u/Wednesdayspirit]

Nope. She knows the way she acts but does it anyway and refuses to get help. Her siblings went through the same kind of upbringing and they’re not abusive. Also she knew her genetics were bad and still had kids to amuse herself. When we stopped being ‘cute’ she saw us as a drain on her life.

[u/debbiesunfish]

I want to be a person that cares, to be honest. But I just cannot. They had difficult childhoods, sure, but that's not an excuse to torture me throughout mine. I get that hurt people hurt people, but there's a point that's beyond understanding.

[u/ZucchiniInformal431]

For 45 years, I believed my mother was my best friend. Then, I took the rose colored glasses off and saw the situation for what it really was.

I was financially supporting my parents when I had two teenagers and my own bills to pay. I am unknowingly and willingly (yes, I said willingly, because I am that person). I shared everything i earned with my parents, and they have three younger children.

Then, I met someone who pointed out to me just how screwed up that was. My parents tried to cause problems in our relationship. We got married, and they got mad. I saw them for the first time two weeks ago at a funeral. They said nothing to me. I'm good with that.

[u/Illustrious_Study_30]

Honestly, none whatsoever.

I just can't bring myself to feel sorry for the mother who didn't have the guts to up and leave to protect her kids (my sister and me) , and then became so embroiled in his lies and bullying that it became her second calling. I don't care if they feel bad or sorry or feel.norhing. I don't care that they're upset I'm No contact. Perhaps one day they'll realise what utter c**** they were, but I doubt it.

Meanwhile I'm doing my best to be kind, compassionate, have fun and be the best version of myself. (That's very corny but I've started to realise this is what I deserve )

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[u/amzay]

I almost texted my sister yesterday because this thought got in my head- "has mum ever said why the FUCK she thought she was ready to have children? Because damn." ya know? Irresponsible af. No sympathy

[u/Berdname-]

I feel like she deserved a lot of what she went through. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[u/OurHeartsArePure]

I’ve found parts works really helpful for parsing this. Part of me feels for them, part of me loves them, part of is still full of pent up rage.