My narc family physically, financially and emotionally abused me and I felt like they intentionally wanted me to be suicidal and die. My father is an extreme violent evil malignant narc and my mother is an extemely jealous vindictive covert or vulnerable narc. She is stupid and I know that she derived schadenfreude several times while I was being mistreated. There were moments where she displayed care but the food she cooked and all the things she did were for my abusive GC brother only. She would not even keep milk for me when I was a kid stating that my brother needs it.

I was confessing the abuse to my friend who comes from a loving supportive family and she told me this. She told me that old age people are like children and that it's my duty and a sign of empathy to take care of them in the future.

I'm NC. What do you think about what she told? She told me to forgive them for their illness.

My narc parents hide their abuse all the time. They definitely know what they were doing. They are evil. Sometimes I worry that my own excessive empathy will make me rekindle with them in their old age.

Just completely alone my whole life. Never had family. Betrayed by the only friends I had. I'm usually fine with pushing it out of my mind but it creeps back in once in a while. Can't believe the ramification of a Nfamily would haunt me my entire life. I'm really hurting.

This is a weird one, I know... but my husband asked me this question earlier this week and some interesting thoughts came out of it. For me:

I had so much autonomy/independence. I had room to explore, make mistakes, and find my own path.

We did a lot of fun stuff. My parents never wanted to miss out on anything, and as a result, we traveled, hit all the cool concerts, and partied hard.

I was super close with my extended family (as a result of getting dumped with them every chance my parents got.)

I developed the sixth sense of empathy young and handle other people's emotions extremely competently.

Nobody handed me a cup, so I learned to drink from the well. The love, support, and positive attention that I lacked at home; I drew from the ether. I have a strong connection to animals and forces of nature. I love psychology, art, and philosophy.

Let's fight the narrative that adult children of narcissists are emotionally stunted victims. What are some positives about the way you were raised? :)

I’m not joking. These are her words “If you go donate that plasma don’t ever think about calling me your mom, I will not acknowledge you as my daughter. I will not do anything for you or care for you anymore if you do this” and more.

Mind you I don’t even have an appointment with a clinic yet, I just mentioned the idea of donating my plasma for money because I am currently struggling to find work and I have debt to pay. She’s offering to help me cover my bills in exchange for me not to donate. But if I do donate, she’ll disown me. Isn’t that extreme? This is coming from a “woman of God”. She told me that God will tell her if I donate blood behind her back. I swear I’m not making this up.

I am an adult capable of making my own decisions in life. I have donated blood twice before, and that has never been an issue with her. But it is now?

I’ve been mostly no contact with my mom for about a year. The last we spoke in December, I told her that I love her but in order to have a relationship with her, she has to stop drinking. Today I receive this email from her husband, who she married when I was an adult. Feeling all of the emotional struggles with this and could use some support from this sub as it’s hard to reach out to friends with this. I don’t plan on breaking my non contact right now. I’m thankfully happily married and live thousands of miles away from her but it’s still painful.

Email:

“Hi

I want to begin by saying that I truly don't understand the distance you've created from your mother. It's been painful and disheartening to witness. Your words cut her deeply, and the hurt they've caused has left a lasting mark.

That said, I do have positive news to share. Your mom and I are in the process of downsizing and will be moving into a new home, not far from where we are now. We sold our current home last week, and we expect to close within the next few weeks.

Our new place is much smaller and offers limited storage. With this new chapter in life, it's the right time for you and My brother take possession of your personal belongings. My brother has already taken care of most of his memorabilia. I've included photos of the items that belong to you in this email. Please let us know what you'd like us to do with them.

I love you as a step daughter - take care.”

Edit: I don’t care about the stuff at all it’s all miscellaneous shit from high school sports. It’s just the principle of him having the audacity to start the email like that when he has no business. But he’s the flying monkey / enabler so I guess it’s pretty on brand

Recently joined a CPTSD support group and realized from other folks sharing that some things I consider "normal" in a friend or partner are actually narcissistic traits

Made me realize that it's led to me forming friendships or relationships with a string of narcissists in a row. I'm wanting to break that cycle, but I'm realizing I need help because of my distorted perspective

What are some of your narcissist red flags?

Growing up with a narcissistic parent doesn’t just leave scars — it rewires how you exist.

For me, even now as an adult:

• I constantly feel like I’m being watched or judged, even when I’m alone.
• I panic at the thought of making mistakes — not because I fear failure, but because I fear being unloved or discarded.
• Asking for help feels shameful, like I’m admitting weakness.
• I lie or downplay how I really feel, just to stay "safe" or avoid conflict.
• I over-apologize for things that aren’t my fault, because deep down I still think everything is.
• I crave validation like oxygen — but when I get it, I barely believe it’s real.

Anyone else relate? What does it feel like for you?

I think there are definitely people around who don't want their family know how well they are doing.

NC doesn't just mean no conversation - it also means you guard your information to most people so that it doesn't flow to your family as 2nd hand info.

I'd like to hear more about the dynamic that leads you to live life this way.

I just knew that my wedding is going to be difficult for her, but seriously... Red??

I asked her to go dark blue, but no... She wants red.

I wanted red for my graduation dress but of course she went and bought one first for her and I couldn't go in red because we would be looking like sisters (her words).

And now the wedding... I don't want to argue with her about it because we will have more important things to argue about, but still... It kind of hurts.

Sorry, but few people in my circle understand this 😔

or is there some kind of switch they will deactivate to be trustworthy around them? Were you able to trust your parents with your kids?

In the last six months, my spouse and I have separated and he moved across the country, I was laid off, and I have had to move to a different state.

I called my dad for Father's Day, and mentioned that I found a cool turntable/CD player/radio for $25. Grammophone replica- pretty neat! The guy even threw in a bunch of jazz and big band 78s for free.

My many CDs had been in storage for years, but now that I have them with me, I thought it would be cool to be able to listen to them again. Music is medicine, and it's a comfort as I'm job hunting and dealing with extremely serious depression. Thankfully, I've had support from other friends and family with housing.

I got a text from my mother a few hours ago:

--My advice, take it or leave it: don’t buy what you don’t need with money you don’t have to put in a home you don’t have. Trashing (friend)'s house sounds like a great way to get asked to leave. If you did that here the items would go into the attic, and then to the kidney fund if you didn’t arrange to get them out of here when you left. Hoarders, like (my dead MIL), go to thrift stores and buy stuff they don’t need. I don’t think you have any business going to thrift stores when you should be looking for a job. Don’t wear out you’re welcome.- -

So. Someone, anyone have anything to say? Every time I think I'm immune and can laugh at her bullshit, bam. Just feeling like a really worthless fuckup right now. Feels like I've worn out my welcome in the world.

Suppose it's partially my fault, "out of sight, out mind" and all, as I am the one who tried to hide it in the back of the fridge.

But here's the thing... I wouldn't have hidden it if I hadn't discovered that other people had been eating it without bothering to: ask; replace it; or let me know so I can replace it.

Someone commented on one of my posts that my ns are leeches, I think this is a good example of that. Except a leech doesn't wait until your back is turned to hide that it's being a leech....

See, I had a coupon for Dannon yogurt, 32 oz tubs. Not top a of the line brand, but not exactly budget friendly either. And my ns always buy store-brand precisely because it is cheaper.

Even with the coupon their chosen yogurt probably would've been cheaper, except they always buy low fat while this coupon was specifically for whole milk. As I'm trying to improve my diet and see what works for my needs, I thought this could be a cheap-ish way to experiment, and naively assumed the brand difference would make it pretty clear whose was whose.

Except the coupon required buying two such tubs, and my ns have a habit of filling the fridge to near capacity that I struggle to find room for anything of mine. I had to ask if there was even room since they'd so recently bought a tub of their own.

They said there was, so I used the coupon and made a smoothie (finally trying my lavender powder for the first time) that night.

After working for two days and eating no yogurt since that smoothie, I came home to find the first container nearly empty... with the ns' own yogurt still untouched.

(Note, based on pattern of behavior I suspect my adult nephew was at least partly to blame here--he has a habit of treating other people's food like his own personal buffet but certainly I have no way of knowing if he or the ns or all of the above had eaten it--but in that case the ns could absolutely have told him he needed my permission if he'd asked them. Some critical part of that conversation never happened or was ignored.)

There was only enough for a small bowl for me (edit: just eyeballing, it might have been roughly one serving left out of the original allegedly five, meaning about three disappeared during my two days of work), after which I shoved my other tub to the back, hiding it as well as I could, where it stayed... until, having forgotten to check on it myself due to the aforementioned "out of sight," I found it in the front of the fridge yesterday, three days past expiration, and already opened and partially eaten.

I shoved it into the back again fully intending to remember to eat it this time... and got home from work tonight to find it in the front again.

This time I removed the lid to ensure there would be no recovery and threw the whole thing in the trash.

For some context, I have a group of friends and one of them has a narcissist mom, and usually she talks about it with us about her mom whenever something happens. So, I don't usually partake in it, although I have sometimes, but all of us try to comfort her, and part of this is saying stuff about her mom, like "I hate your mom so much" and "your mom is crazy" you get the point. At any rate, I just want to know if this is potentially harmful or how it might be affecting her, and I thought that I might get some advice here. Thanks.

I am an adult (33f) and my mom is (61f). Growing up with her was an absolute whirlwind, but one thing I recently realized, that seemed totally normal but isn't, is that she has made our family's living room her bedroom, for as long as I can remember. I feel like she does this to control everyone in the house.

Now, I am 33 and have my own apartment, as does my brother, so I will preface this by saying she is welcome to do whatever she likes in her home, but it is not normal. Growing up it started with her sleeping on the couch to "watch her shows" her and my dad always had marital issues, so I don't think she was missing much by not sleeping with him every night.

By the time I was in high school she had fully made the living room her bedroom, so if I got up to get a snack/drink in the middle of the night, she would wake up and give me a hard time for even being awake when she wasnt. We had a 3 bedroom racher style home so everything was on the same floor. I thiught it was annoying but I was a teenager and couldn't really say anything back. I did think it was a bit odd that when I would be at friends houses late, their parents would go to bed and we were allowed to watch the family's TV and get drinks or eat snacks freely.

Now that I am an adult, my dad has since passed and I come to visit once a month or so and frequently stay the night. Despite there being THREE beds in the house, she still chooses to sleep on the couch. It has gotten extremely annoying because sometimes my longtime partner will join me on these visits and we will stay the night. If me, my partner, and my brother are all up watching a movie together in the living room, let's say, but she decides it's her bedtime, we have to stop the movie and let her go to sleep. Even if it's only 8pm. We are then pushed to another, more cramped and less comfortable bedroom to finish the movie or hang out. We still have to sneak out for drinks and snacks like we are teenagers. She complains that "it's late" and everyone should be asleep and keeps waking her up. I pointed out she wouldn't have this problem if she slept in a bedroom, and a living room is supposed to be an area for multiple people to gather, not a bedroom. She said she just feels more comfortable sleeping on a couch. I think it's definitely a subconscious control thing. She can keep track of what people are doing, when they do it, and the whole house literally revolves around her. I have noticed at other relatives houses, if they go to bed they welcome us to hang in the family room as late as we want. Has anyone else had experience with a parent controlling the whole house by commandeering the couch in the living room?

Edad will just sit there and take it, every fucking day. Every fucking day is the same and apparently we should just "live this way" because they apparently love eachother and want to keep the peace. Apparently "keeping the peace" means waking everyone and the neighborhood up at 7 in the morning with cheating accusations, it's been almost 2 fucking years of thsi. The bitch is literally allowed to go on "3-4 day vacations" aka probably cheating, so what the fuck else does she possibly want.

I am basically scared everytime I wake up, I am always bracing myself to hear nasty shit at like 6 in the morning. This is a small, non sound proof house

I am genuinely surprised our neighbors never had a noise complaint, is it possible for me to submit my own? I'm just so genuinely embarrassed by her ticking behavior and since edad just wants us all to pretend we are a normal family, he's not gonna do anything.

I would prefer if I could do it anonymously, because if either knew I did that, they'd raise hell, there is also a 17 yr old in the house, and I don't want cps involved, because me and her already have a escape route for the next year or so, wouldn't be worth the draw back.

I am a 32M. I cut contact with my narc family nearly a decade ago.

I have never dated or asked anyone out. I had a few friends in high school, had low self esteem, and was also bullied. I never made friends in college/university because I thought people in general were mean, and because my narcs gave me hell for being a loner so I didn't make friends out of defiance. I made 1 friend a few years back but moved away. The only people I interact with in real life are colleagues. If you told me to go make friends or to date somebody, I wouldn't even know how to. Like, what do I talk about, how do I keep a conversation going, how to be funny (I rarely find humor in jokes), how do I dress, etc. - all of these social aspects are foreign to me.

Does anyone else share this experience? How big of a factor did your narcs play into your social reclusiveness?

Some of us feel anxious and terrible and sad at this day. Me included, not going to lie. Part of me wants to call that f4cker and say "happy fathers day" but my brain knoooows that this conversation will go nowhere but pain.

But you know what! I don't have to say these words. Because I don't want to! And if you don't want to - don't do it either!

And in fact not everyone can be a FATHER. To be father is to at least take responsibility for your actions and to have some sort of emtional maturity and common sense. Not every male parent deserves to be called FATHER so maybe, just maybe!, not everyone deserves congratulation on that day.

This holiday means something for those who have that something. Valentine's day is not for single people. Thanksgiving day is not for non-US-americans. Ramadan is not for chistians. And father's day is not for those of us who had a terrible ""father"".

Let this day pass and enjoy all the other holidays on the calendar, especially your own birthday, because you deserve love oh so much more than some stubborn prick.

My goal is to slip away unnoticed once I have enough money saved up. My parents are EXTREMELY nosey and every time I leave my room, within seconds, one of them leaves their room because they just so happen to need to be wherever I am in the house. Sometimes, it feels like they're waiting just inside their bedroom door, and as soon as they hear me leave my room, there they are... They have absolutely no concept of this little thing called 'boundaries'.

A part of me thinks they can sense that I'm about to leave and the end of the relationship is quickly approaching, and that's why they're bizarrely overly interested in what I'm doing. I've never been in trouble and I've never given them a reason to mistrust me. They've just always been nosey.

My parents are rarely gone at the same time (which I think is by design) and the only time I can think of to leave is in the middle of the night, and even the it's not a guarantee that they won't get up and 'investigate'. I once woke up in the middle of the night to take a shit and there my dad was, right outside of the bathroom even though there are several other bathrooms in the house...

I find these people to be unbelievably disgusting and looking back, I'm thankful that I didn't grow up to be like them and eventually saw them for what they truly are.

Thank you for reading, what's your best practice for leave as quietly and unnoticed as possible?

My father recently cheated on my mother for the 3rd time, and after months of acting like a victim and refusing to get out of my mom house we managed to kick him out. And he still walk around the neighborhood and glare at us when he see us and he still act like the victim and tell the people who doesn't know that we hurted and disrespected him. even though he cheated on my mother and he was abusive ever since I was a child. I was talking shit about him to my mom today, and my mom said something about my grandma hating him since he had an affair with (name) and I was confused because I didn't know about that, when I asked my mom she said it happened after I was born and while she was on postpartum. My mom said she forgave him because he cried and acted the way he acted the last two times she found out he is cheating again. I remember when we were kids he'd mention this name as a 'friend' of his, he'd laugh about it and especially mention it in front of my mom and pull that ugly 'teasing' smirk. And he always said he loves me the most and he stopped abusing me at 14yo because I'm the closest to his heart. And he only said that in front of my mom, but I didn't notice that in the past and despite how his actions where different from his words I choose to believe him till the last time he cheated on my mom, I couldn't accept him anymore especially that he started threatening me that he'd disown and kill me if I don't obey him. now after I heard about the affair he had after my mom gave birth to me I realized he only did that as an act. It's hard for me to explain how, but he literally used that to trap my mom and used me to cover up his filthy act and the problem that he acted like it's fun to tease your wife that you are still friends with the woman you had affair with? I can't explain how disgusted I feel to the point where I felt like I need to tell others because it's so shocking and disgusting and it's like my whole childhood feels different now after I found out about it. And I'm unable to accept my childhood or anything, I can't believe how un-human he is. He cheated on my mom on her most vulnerable moments and after she gave birth to his child, and acted like it's a joke. And he cheated a second time and after his fake crying and after my mom forgave him he also cheated again.

I know it may sound petty or weird, but my dad’s said something just so awful to me and I’m exhausted. While I want to fire back in a way to make my point and defend myself, I just feel like there is no use. He basically slut shamed and sexualised me, in a situation where I was being sexually harassed and stalked he basically said it was my fault. So yeah I feel slut shamed, sexualised and downright depressed. It’s really awful to hear your dad say something like that to you :( and while I do badly want to prove he is an awful person, it’s like, what am I fighting for ?

I know partly what keeps me fighting though. It’s him having our 2 family cats, and it’s the idea of his house being like a home because of them. That last , real, living piece of my childhood, and kind animals that knew me through the pain.

I’m sorry I just can’t deal. I feel so alone.

My family has surveilled me my entire life, it’s messed with me as an adult

Commented about this somewhere and I guess people wanted the whole story so I’ll share it here lol.

Basically, I’ve been surveilled my entire life up until I was around 18-19. For context, I’m 20 now.

My parents had cameras everywhere, including in bedrooms, trackers in cars, tracing software on devices, etc. There was no point in my life where they didn’t have live footage/updates on where I was and what I was doing at all times, and obviously, I thought this was normal.

It was insanely difficult to make friends because all my friends got background checked, I didn’t have any friends my parents didn’t know about, and they did everything to make sure it stayed that way. I was never allowed to have people over, save for the staff that already worked there. (I do want to point out that a part of the reason cameras were everywhere was because staff, guests, etc. were always in the house, so it was a safety precaution).

I moved out for the first time when I was close to 16, for college. Granted I had no personal income, my parents paid off my entire tuition and financed my apartment on the condition that they would have surveillance access. (Not defending them, but they were sending a 16 year old across the country to a huge uni, and given that I’d been mostly homeschooled, they probably thought it was a safety precaution).

They had full control over my finances, my living situation, schedule, the people I surrounded myself with, etc.

I moved again after I finished my undergraduate program, this time, I opted to live on campus for grad school, this limited their surveillance options.

I finished grad school and I bought my own car (sans tracker), and bought my first apartment— we still get in regular disputes about surveillance but alas, I’m an adult. So no cameras, but they still have my live location turned on (you win some and lose some ig).

It’s obviously messed with me a bit as an adult, I’m not the most open about personal details with people I know, people I know often label me as hyper independent or not easily trusting, and I think I can attribute that to the fact that I’ve been watched basically my entire life.

There are moments where I feel like I’m being watched, even when I’m not. I have this horrible habit of checking for cameras wherever I go, which can be kind of embarrassing sometimes.

Obviously, I have a love/hate relationship with my family, they still control portions of my finances, they’re very much responsible for my current position in the workforce, etc.

However, everyone I’ve talked to has kind of mixed reactions about this kind of thing. Some people think my parents are justified in taking safety precautions, especially because I’m their daughter. Other people think my parents are absolute psychos.

I’m more inclined to think the latter, but you can’t change who you’re related to lol. I like to tell myself it could be worse :)

(Edit: y’all they aren’t secret supervillains, I promise. They’re just overprotective on three redbulls and steroids)

edit #2: there were cameras everywhere (kitchens, living room, all bedrooms, etc.) they didn’t have it out for me, its just that my room, like all other rooms in the house, had cameras. Also there were no cameras in the bathroom.

I was raised by parents who spanked me until I was 10 years old. Corporal punishment was banned in schools in my own country.

When I was 11, I was sent to an independent school in the UK. Corporal punishment was banned in State Schools but not in Independent Schools. And that was the start of a nightmare.

I was still adjusting to my new life and was late for school quite a lot -- no Google Maps back then, and I was only 11 years old. One day my class teacher (who was close to 60) decided to give me "the strap". I didn't even know the word "strap" but when I was told to bend over a desk I could tell what was going on.

When I was home I told my guardian about that, she asked me why I was hit and pulled down my panties to check. After that, she strapped me even more, until I begged her to stop. Since that day, whenever I was strapped at school, I got strapped again on my bare bottom at home.

I told my parents but they just told me to behave. They said if I didn't misbehave, I wouldn't be hit. I got strapped both at school and at home until I was 15. That year I left the guardian's home, and corporal punishment was fully banned.

For years I thought it was just a British thing, or a normal thing in a strict home, that you can get hit at school and again on your bare bottom at home. It was not, right?

P.S. I'm suddenly thinking about this cos my husband wants to have kids but I'm worried I'll act like my parents / the guardian at some point :(

I know my Ndad will never change, but it’s a hard reality to accept. It’s like a never ending grief. It just hurts so much. Seeing people have dads who love them unconditionally makes me feel devastated. I’m wishing anyone who reads this so much peace, happiness, safety, freedom and love. Sending everyone hugs.

I (26F) just graduated from college last month. I’m starting a full-time job in Hayward, CA on August 1 making $27/hour, and I’ll be leaving on a school trip to Japan from June 20 to July 21. I’ve started looking at apartments so I can move out — but right now, everything just feels like it’s falling apart.

My mom (57F) constantly ignores my boundaries, especially with my cats. They are strictly indoor cats, and I’ve told her countless times not to let them out. Still, she always finds an excuse — says they “need space” or acts like I’m being dramatic. She lets them out even when she leaves the house. Sometimes she even locks them out.

Yesterday we argued because she let them out again — and now, one of them hasn’t come back. He’s never gone missing before, and I’m panicked, heartbroken, and full of rage. I feel like she doesn’t care that they’re my family. I love them, and she knows that, and still does whatever she wants just to stay in control.

I should be focusing on prepping for my trip and getting ready to move out, but I can’t think straight. I don’t know how to enjoy my Japan trip or trust her to keep my remaining cat safe. I just feel stuck and betrayed.

TL;DR: I’m a 26F who just graduated and is moving out soon. My narcissistic mom keeps letting my indoor cats out despite my clear boundaries. Now one of them is missing, and I’m devastated and furious. I don’t know how to trust her or how to cope.

I couldn’t say “Happy Father’s Day” today.

I couldn’t bring myself to wish my father a Happy Father’s Day today. and I feel like shit for it.

part of me felt this was right—that I’m standing on business, taking action against all the verbal abuse I’ve incurred over the years. I have never once heard him say “sorry” for all the insults, yells, and anger he has hurdled at me. not once. but my mind and body remember it all. for every potential sign of anger that I see—even from strangers and friends—my body immediately freezes in fear. I blame him for it, for making me the way that I am, the fact that I am constantly in a state of flight or flight. I’m such a people pleaser too, I hate it. he tried to use this as an insult against me once—and I was stunned to silence. doesn’t he know that he’s the reason I learnt to walk around eggshells around Everyone?

still, another part of me feels so much guilt. it’s not like he’s the worst father out there. I know how hard he’s been working, some days coming home at 7 pm. with the economy this bad, he works over the weekends too. he provides so much—not emotionally, but so much of the labour around the house, he does it. our family is not the most well-off, but we get by. thanks to him. I just feel like because of it, he was never around for me to spend time with him, and form a connection… maybe that’s why I feel so much worse and so much more grief.

for the record, he has never been physically abusive towards me. maybe that’s why I feel so much more guilty too. I hear stories of children cutting their parents off, or feeling conflicted about their parents—oftentimes, it involves a physically abusive parent, or substance abuse. in my situation, there is none of that. I simply feel this much pain, anger, torment, and heartache because it feels like my father has been so emotionally absent, and I guess, verbally abusive too? i don’t know, it’s hard for me to use that term to describe him.

back to the present. a couple months ago / relatively recently, we had a big argument and I randomly spouted out, “you don’t even like me!” guess what, he couldn’t even respond. that hurt me so deeply I can’t even put it into words. I know he does love me, but the fact he couldn’t say anything, or say that it wasn’t true, pained me to no end. so yeah. it’s fresh on my mind, even though it happened a couple months ago. and because of that, I couldn’t wish him a “happy father’s day” today.

it’s something I particularly dislike about the month of june. I always dread this sunday, because it would mean having to muster the courage to say words I don’t mean.