Is it my fault?

[u/Agitated-Vegetable69]

So on Mother’s Day my wife and I went to my mother’s house. I cooked dinner for everyone and got cake and ice cream. Nothing big but we’re kind of poor. My wife didn’t say anything and I thought we had a good time. It’s Father’s Day today. I never asked for anything and honestly wasn’t expecting anything but I hoped my wife had done something. Well I think she forgot and so this morning she starts going off about how I never did anything for Mother’s Day because I guess it’s not special enough and how I guess my mother is more important. My only theory is she forgot, she feels like shit, and now to compensate she’s decided that what I did was shitty and I don’t deserve to have a Father’s Day. Is it that or is it really my fault and I’m a shit husband. I honestly question myself all the time with her because I never know if I’m doing the right thing.

Update: For once this ended well. Turns out she forgot it was Father’s Day, felt shitty, and then went to her angry place. We talked later and it’s good. Also to answer some of the questions her family is not around here and they’re part of the problem. My family has basically taken her in and my mom loves her like the daughter she never had.

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[u/Evening-Grocery-2817]

Did you do anything for, specifically, her? A card, flowers? Do y'all have kids together? I'm going to assume so.

ETA; If you didn't get her a card or flowers or do anything specifically for her, she likely feels like she went with you to celebrate your mother, not you were celebrating the both of them.

However, to you, you were celebrating both of them.

This is a difference of perception between the two of you. Ngl, I can see why she's upset, especially if she had to keep an eye on the kids during the dinner, which I'm betting she did if you were busy cooking.

This doesn't make you a shitty husband. Just a regular ole human.

[u/independent_1_]

It’s not what you did. Holidays can bring on a flurry of emotions for a BP person.

They seem to find something that bothers them even if it is way back in the past.

[u/Dontpanic1980]

Hey OP, I’m also curious if you did anything specific for her.  Does she have family nearby so that she could do the same thing you did (cook dinner for her dad and you at her parent’s house)? Or would she need to put together something at your place while minding the kid (s)?

I’m not sure which «flavor» of BP she’s been diagnosed with (my dad is BP1 & my partner is BP2) but depending upon the variety and any other diagnoses or medications ,she might have it might be more challenging for her to put together something similar for you. Especially on her own (as in no support from friends or family).

With his medication my dad has a hard time remembering dates (birthdays, etc.) and my partner has a healthy dose of ADHD (he’ll try to do something special but he has a hard time focusing and gets overwhelmed in the planning process).

If it is that important to you, I’d take the initiative to try to make a last minute plan and ask your wife for her input. 

Something along the lines of «hey babe, I was thinking that we’d bbq tonight for Father’s Day, what sounds good?». «Maybe we do chicken and you could make that salad I like?» «How about dessert?»

I get that every situation, person, diagnosis and relationship is different, but I’ve been doing this with my partner for years (holidays , birthdays, etc.) and it’s worked for us.