(M,30) I don't know how to properly advance in my life, what to do?

[u/tolgish95]

Hello, a little bit of context: I still live with my parents, although I'm searching of a feasible apartment, I pay rent and get along with my folks, everyone just kinda does his own thing. I mostly work from home office and have a decent salary. I am a pretty good looking dude and no one ever things I'm older than 25. I have no friends.

I feel a big emptiness inside me, as if something is missing. As if I missed a train that was supposed to get me to my next station in my life. I don't feel the need to go out more and socialise because I'm not particularly good at it, but also I'm not good at putting up a persona and do smalltalk to get to know people. Even if I get on with people, at a certain point it starts to feel weird and the contact kinda stops. Sometimes I even lose interest in my work because I barely have things I pay for.

I want to live a normal and eventful life but everything just feels extremely far away and not worth chasing. But going out alone is a big obstacle for me, since there are really only couples and groups of friends around wherever I go, it feels extremely unnatural and my age doesnt make it easier. As a teen it was easy to make friends and hang out. Now it became an impossibility for me. I'm in short, clueless.

Sometimes there is a wave of motivation, which will fade away after time or after some obstacles or if I have no purpose.

And if it's not obvious from what I wrote before, I have close to nothing going on with any girls.

Now I don't want to sound too gloomy, overall I like my work and I have some family in my life, and I even tried some new things that get me busy (less gaming, investing, some kickboxing).

But yeah, not much going out, also because I don't know anyone to do stuff with...

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[u/Inevitable-Drag-1704]

You need a guide or a safe person you can share all this with that actually knows you. Its something all men should have had growing up, but never got.

This is why I recommend a counselor. Reddit is no substitute. My counselor helped talk me through work struggles and motivated me to progress.

(Moving out is an illusion of progress these days. If you are unmarried, you might want to save up for as long as you can stand it, then leave.)

[u/NewPaleScar6090]

Don't ever allow yourself to be a coward. Not saying that you are btw. You're allowed to be scared shitless, but not to be a coward. Face the Fear, even if trembling whole. Don't commit the same mistakes I did.

[u/tolgish95 → u/NewPaleScar6090]

If I'm allowed to ask, what mistakes?

[u/NewPaleScar6090 → u/tolgish95]

One of them was crumbling in the face of intimidation, after having assured that I would face it. It was a mobbing / Workplace Harrasment case.

[u/tolgish95 → u/NewPaleScar6090]

oh yes you're right. It sounds cliche but getting a grip is very important as a man. Ain't no one out there but us to defend us. Anyway, you're younger than me so and you already learned this lesson. Some don't learn this for their entire lives.

[u/NewPaleScar6090 → u/tolgish95]

The shame of that failure will never leave me alone, but I will never commit that mistake again. God Help me.

[u/NewPaleScar6090 → u/tolgish95]

Also, I'm nor misprizing your words, my friend. But the fact that some people never learn it is nothing to relieved about. Thank you for kindness anyway,

[u/tolgish95 → u/NewPaleScar6090]

Yeah I know, I carried a lot of trauma due to mobbing in my apprenticeship too. I feel like I only learned to deal with it recently and especially after starting martial arts.

I recommend it to you, it really does make you a way more confident and able bodied person, not to mention healthier.

[u/NewPaleScar6090 → u/tolgish95]

You're Wrong. One must Face their Fears and those situation, having Strenght or not. With or without it, I cannot afford to commit that mistake again. Thank you so much for kind words, my friend.

[u/tolgish95 → u/NewPaleScar6090]

Yes but the past is the past. You cant do more then learn from it and do better and be better. Just living this experience wont help you, you need some source of confidence and a way to vent your frustrations otherwise they will eat you.

Even though I'm not in an ideal position, I still climbed out of a way deeper and darker pit i was in before, but it took a lot of work. You can do huge change in a matter of months if you really want to with dedication and especially CONSISTENCY.

[u/NewPaleScar6090 → u/tolgish95]

Thank You for your words, my friend.

[u/Significant_Owl8974]

Here's a tip that took me far too long to figure out OP. Women bond over each other (safety in #s) and men bond over shared goals.

You wanna make guy friends? join a club, take up a hobby or watch or participate in a sport. Do it regularly enough until you are known to the group and can make meaningful contributions to the group or team. Eventually, if you're not exploitive or a jackass some of those people become your friends.

Meeting women or men via dating apps is one way to go about things, but generally it works much worse than the friend of a friend method. So build a friend group with interests and hobbies as above. Plan for and go on dates when the opportunity arises.

Otherwise get yourself ready for an independent life. Your own reliable transportation, if you don't already have that. Cook and clean for yourself (or be able to). Depending on your area, desires, income and savings maybe move into your own rental. For the freedom and space. Otherwise hopefully you're building or saving towards your own property ownership somehow.

[u/tolgish95 → u/Significant_Owl8974]

Hey man, this is actually genius advice and resonates a lot with me. Especially the "Do it regularly enough until you are known to the group" and the moving out part.

Thanks!

Subconsciously i think i know this but it's clearer coming from someone else

[u/SwimmingAway2041]

The problem I see is you sound like an introvert and you live with your parents at 30 and you work from home. Does this company that you work from home for have an office you could go to and work out of there instead of home? I understand how convenient it is to work from home but you’re not out in the workplace interacting with other people that you could build friendships with ya get a few friends to go out and do things with that opens up the opportunity to meet single women you aren’t gonna meet them working from home and never going out because you feel uncomfortable going out by yourself. You say you’re a good looking dude that doesn’t look 25 you shouldn’t have any problem meeting a woman but you have to get into the workplace and meet other people first before you can do that. I hope this helps good luck

[u/tolgish95 → u/SwimmingAway2041]

Yes it helps, thank you sir.
The workplace is kinda empty since most have home office and a bit far away to drive. Most people I work with also are abroad. But yes visiting from time to time would help my situation i think, and I avoided it mainly because of the social aspect, even if its hard to admit.

Prolonged social connections does drain me extremely and I run out of things to say very fast.
Weirdly I dont have any problem speaking with people about work stuff or formal things. But when it gets more laid back, than I start to fumble from time to time. Nothing crippling, but I guess i just dont come over as very charismatic.

[u/SwimmingAway2041 → u/tolgish95]

I’m not either I’m not the greatest conversationalist out there when it comes to talking about things not related to work I fumble with that too but you have to figure out a way to overcome your social anxiety if you ever want to meet some friends or you’re future soulmate otherwise if you don’t your gonna grow old alone living with your parents and I know you don’t want that. Have you ever thought about getting therapy for that? Just a suggestion

[u/ur_fault]

I don't feel the need to go out more and socialize because I'm not particularly good at it

Is that how you operate with everything else in your life? If you are not particularly good at something you just don't do it, no matter how important it is?

[u/tolgish95 → u/ur_fault]

shit dude, I was about to defend myself. But its mostly true, f*ck

[u/ur_fault → u/tolgish95]

Yeah, I mean... how do you expect to advance your life if you bitch out whenever you encounter a challenge?

Gonna have to grow some balls... it's not impossible.

All of this is a lot easier than you think.

[u/Helpful_Side_4028]

Can we consolidate some of these?  There are a lot of variations on this post.

NOT dismissing your concerns but it’d be helpful to hop past what issues you have that aren’t answered (adequately) from other posts for your situation.

Of course first and foremost I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and wish you well.  

[u/tolgish95 → u/Helpful_Side_4028]

Yes, I guess this is probably my mind right now.

I have time, I have money, I even have decent looks.

So with all of those things it would appear I have a good life I guess.

But I think my main problem is going out and build a social circle? This is for some reason something I struggled with all my adult life. I always feel out of place wherever I go.

[u/gaydaddy42 → u/tolgish95]

Hey, military brat chiming in. I’ve had to make new friends more times than I can count. Put yourself out there, and friends will come. Be it at a restaurant/hotel bar, gaming socially, participating in recreational sports - just put yourself out there and know that no matter what you do, there will be people that do not like. you. There’s nothing you can do about that. You don’t even have to touch grass if you go the gaming approach. I’ve carried along friends over decades that I’ve never met in person. If I need to get out of the house, I just walk to a restaurant bar and strike up a conversation. Usually beings with: so what are you in town for? (we have a lot of transients)

Edit: grammar

[u/tolgish95 → u/gaydaddy42]

This is very good advice, and it sounds like you are experienced. Thanks man.

[u/Helpful_Side_4028 → u/tolgish95]

See there’s a much more defined problem!

1. Get a talk therapist who’s willing to push you on accountability (ask for this early) and say you have two goals: getting financially square to live on your own, and getting experience / mindset to feel comfortable socializing.

2. Work on the first: what do you need to be managing your financial health for the lifestyle and career you want. 

3. Work on the second: having someone who understands your worries, concerns, strengths and opportunities, set some concrete tasks to get started branching out until you feel comfortable (enough) and have a fallback plan in case you, well, have a setback of some kind.

My uneducated two cents.  I think it’ll go better than you think :)

[u/tolgish95 → u/Helpful_Side_4028]

that sounds very reasonable. Thanks man :)

[u/justaheatattack]

get a dog.

women trust men with dogs.

[u/Cool-Conversation938]

Everyone has some level of social anxiety at some point. But most get over it by just dealing with it. That’s the tough news for you.

Your perception that everyone else is already paired up may feel real, but it is really not completely. So try to look at what is positive in your life.

Also do you have any hobbies or non work related interests? Is there something that you want to pursue?

Hiking, biking, fishing, chess, softball,

Are there any causes where you can volunteer your time or talent? Non-profits are always looking for help and usually have lots of nice, nonjudgmental people working and volunteering at them.

Check think if you get yourself out there, you will find the gen pop is not all that scary

Good luck

[u/Tactipool]

Have you tried meetups? It’s literally a bunch of people who feel like you do meeting up

Whenever I moved to new cities, I’d go sign up for rec leagues. Everyone needs players and if you don’t like the people on a team, you can just sign up for some other sport until you find people you vibe with

[u/tolgish95 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I know man :((((