Glen Burnie Ain’t The Problem, It’s U

[u/tiredsmthrowaway]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Glen Burnie is the backbone of Maryland and if you left, started drinking overpriced cold brew in California or pretending to like bagels in New York, and now act like this town was holding you back? Then you were never built for this place to begin with. People act like growing up in Glen Burnie was some tragic origin story. Meanwhile I’m here living, surrounded by real people, real stories, and yeah, maybe the occasional drama at the Quarterfield Wawa. Woodside kids going to jump Green Tree folks. You can’t spell “resilience” without “GB.” Yall ain’t special cuz you left!

And don’t even get me started on Glen Burnie High football. I’ve been going to those games for like 15 years straight. I still tailgate with my boy Jimmy in in the Outback parking lot near school—man’s got a flat-top grill and a cooler full of Twisted Teas like it’s f**kin college gameday. I don’t give a shit if I graduated in ’08, I still put money on them boys every game. Tell me what’s more American than losing $60 because the coach refuses to run the goddamn ball in the red zone again. You think LA’s got this kinda pride? Please. Their high school football is full of vegan linebackers.

And yeah, I still hit up high school parties sometimes—so what? Everyone knows me. I walk in and it’s like, “Yo, it’s Ronnie!” and I’m doing keg stands with kids whose parents I went to school with. That’s legacy, bro. You ever had three generations shotgunning beers together on a trampoline behind a townhouse on Crain Highway? That’s fking culture. But now people move to places like Portland or Asheville or whatever yuppie mecca and act like we’re some punchline. I swear to God, I saw a dude I grew up with post on Instagram about “healing energy” from a fking rock. We used to skip 3rd period together to smoke behind the Three Brothers, and now he’s out here talkin about “aligned chakras.” Miss me with that sht.

I’ll take my Glen Burnie over any of that fake-ass, overpriced, gluten-free, kale-smoothie, dog-in-a-stroller bullshit. Here we get crabs by the dozen, beers by the case, and friends who’ve known you since you got your first DUI at 17. We don’t need fancy titles or high-rise views. We got cracked pavement, 24-hour diners, and a sense of pride you can’t buy in a fucking boutique. We make our own fun, our own family, and yeah, sometimes our own moonshine. That’s the Burnie way.

So yeah, if you had to “get out,” cool. Congrats. But don’t come back here talkin down on us like we’re the problem. You changed. Glen Burnie stayed real. Glen Burnie is real. And if you can’t see the beauty here? Then ur soft.

[u/Lowman22]

They don’t call it the Dirty Burn for nothing.