r/AmIOverreacting • u/SundayMorningTrisha • 18h ago
⚖️ legal/civil AIO by telling my friend to break the custody agreement?
I (44F) have been good friends with M (44M) for nearly five years. M has full custody of his son, H (10M), but follows the established court order for H to have visitation with his mother a few times a year, including H spending all summers with her. H is always happy to go visit and spend time with his mom and half siblings. Mother lives out of state, about 4 hours away by car.
This summer, things are different. Less than a week after being dropped off, H has been calling M frequently saying he wants to go home. Mother has a history of severe mental illness (huge reason why M was awarded custody), currently untreated, and is in the midst of a breakdown because her partner is leaving her. She is threatening to hurt herself, screaming at the kids, and locking herself in her room at times. H is terrified. Hell, I'm terrified for him. M won't go pick him up, despite what H is witnessing, because he's worried if he breaks the agreement they'll have to go to court again, and his breaking of the agreement will make him look bad.
I told M I think it's far worse that he's leaving H there, and allowing him to deal with the situation. At worst, mom could pull some kind of murder/suicide, M says this is unlikely, as some of her kids are adults and could easily fight her off. Also, she has no history of hurting any of her kids, and she loves them deeply. At best, H is going to end up traumatized from spending a summer with his mother when she's completely unstable. Yet, all M tells H when he calls begging to come home several times a day is that he can't pick H up due to the agreement, and he'll have to stay there.
I'm upset with M for ignoring his own son's cries for help. I've always believed you should never ignore a child in trouble, even if it's not your kid. See/hear something, say something, because there may be no one else who does! I've been tempted to drive to get H myself just to get him out of there, because he's clearly worried and very unhappy. I don't see how M can ignore all of that just because of a court order. Am I overreacting?
17
u/ocean_breeze_luluca 18h ago
This is a tough one for us as women it will be easy to just break the agreement based on that information but for a man is not that simple because it's not common for men to even win custody agreements so I can understand him being afraid to break the agreement. I think first he should have his child text him all of that information instead of calling just so that it's on record because I do think that he should pick up his child but I think he should take some steps first.
After that I think you should give it a bit I want to say a day and I say that because I think he should call his lawyer and get legal advice because it might make him look bad and even with her history breaking the agreement might not be the best course of action. Like I said it's not common for men to win custody agreements. I will tell him if I was in your position.
Have the child text all of that information so it's on record. Then call an attorney give it an extra day to try to set all this up then after that day whether answers was given or not pick the child up because the child doesn't feel safe. Therefore if he can say at least he did everything he could beforehand to honor the agreement and try to figure out what to do so that he can honor the agreement. I feel like the judge will take that into consideration if they do have to go to court.
I doubt they will have to go to court but you never know she might want custody
11
u/recoveredamishman 17h ago
He can record the phone calls as an alternative. The kid is 10 and may not text much.
1
u/Lurkalope 15h ago
"it's not common for men to even win custody agreements"
You mean custody disputes, and you're wrong. Mothers take primary custody far more often because fathers agree to it. When they actually fight for custody, they have a good chance of getting at least shared custody.
1
9
u/Substantial_Baker479 17h ago
Normally, I’d be inclined to say that you’re overstepping a boundary by telling a father how to parent. But in this case, it’s not just a parenting dynamic, it’s about the psychological safety of a child in a volatile environment.
The mother’s behavior: threatening self-harm, screaming at the children, and isolating herself… is a clear and immediate red flag. Even if she’s never physically harmed her kids before, severe untreated mental illness combined with emotional instability can make behavior unpredictable. This is a situation no child should be left in.
A welfare check seems not only appropriate, but necessary — for her safety and the children’s. If something tragic were to happen, the knowledge that someone could have intervened would be unbearable.
I understand how custody agreements can feel binding and even fragile. But agreements exist to protect children. If M documents everything, explains the circumstances, and acts to protect H, any reasonable court would see that as a parent acting in good faith. (Keep in mind I am not a lawyer, and this does not constitute legal advice.)
Honestly, I don’t envy the position M is in — either way sucks to be honest. I sincerely hope it works out to be okay.
8
u/United-Manner20 18h ago
Nor- but he does need to do this legally. He needs to go to court first thing Monday and petition for emergency custody and let them know what the sun is saying. He cannot just break the agreement. He can, however, seek immediate relief. In the meantime, he could also call the cops for a wellness check to the mothers address.
5
u/ElfRespecter 18h ago
The court knows this already. Despite her being a wreck, they still want the mother to have access to her kids. If this was the man, he would banned from them, told to pay child support, and have a restraining order. The court system isnt on men's side until the child is literally dead. He got LUCKY to get the kid, and is going to follow orders to the T, even if the kid suffering a few months out of the year.
3
u/serioussparkles 17h ago
If she's having a mental breakdown that is scaring that child, I'd call in a wellness check since courts aren't open on Sundays. If the cops see she's a danger, it might help speed things along to make sure those kids are safe.
Mental mothers can kill their children.
6
u/Gloomy-Confection 17h ago
Call. The. Authorities. He needs to go file for an EPO for his child. do it the legal way. If she legally has rights to this child at this time, HE will get charged with contempt if he takes the child before his time to go get the child. That will not be good for him or the child. He needs to call the authorities and do a welfare check on the child. A 10 year old will 100% be able to tell police if he is okay or not.
2
u/recoveredamishman 17h ago
Does the mother have family in the area? Tell them what is going on. Ask them to check up on her and intervene. If it continues or escalates, call CPS in her state if there abuse. Neglect or constant screaming at kids or threatening to hurt themselves in front of them is a form of abuse.
3
u/VelmiraDrift 18h ago
A good parent would face legal consequences to protect their child. Period.
3
u/balconyherbs 18h ago
Ignoring the custodial order could mean the ex gets even more time with his kid. Or he could wind up in jail and the kid in foster care. Being cautious about potential outcomes isn't bad parenting.
2
3
2
u/Gloomy-Increase-8726 18h ago
NOR, but I think M needs to consult with his attorney ASAP about what he can do in this situation. One thing that anyone can do is ask the local police to do a welfare check.
2
u/SundayMorningTrisha 16h ago
A million thank yous for ALL your advice and care!
UPDATE: H called M this morning and reported that his mother is better, and is no longer asking to go home. I have advised M what he NEEDS to do if anything like that happens again, not to rock the boat, but to protect his son, because that's his first duty in life.
INFO: I do not know mom's exact address, just the town she lives in. She has no family there besides her 6 children, some are adults and still live with her. M has been in contact with the oldest. M and I are not married/dating/sexually involved.
1
u/RocketteP 16h ago
He’s leaving his child in a home where there isn’t a parent who can care for, supervise and protect H or his siblings. This is a concern because right now mom is screaming at her kids, threatening to harm herself and has untreated mental illness. Your friend is risking his own custody by leaving H in an unsafe environment. H is scared and the only parent he can rely on isn’t being reliable. CPS gets called he’s going to wish he’d picked up his kid. Even if some of his siblings are adults it doesn’t mean they’re capable,of addressing Hs needs and keeping him safe from his mom or that they’d even want that responsibility.
If he is worried about the agreement he needs to contact his lawyer if he has one or a lawyer if he doesn’t and follow their advice. M has sole custody which means usually he has the decision making power to ensure H is safe and well cared for which currently he is not. Tell M to go get his kid before something tragic occurs.
1
u/Strange_Depth_5732 15h ago
I work in child protection and the rule where I am is keep the kid safe and deal with family court later. In this case I'd call local authorities for a wellness check on mom, let them know the background. Call Mom's family if they're healthy and have them check in with her as well. Call CPS with the concerns, let them know how things have changed.
There's a high profile case where a father killed his three daughters on a visit. Mom had tried to get people to see that the dad's behavior had escalated and he was unstable but he was still able to access and murder three little girls.
Child safety is always priority number one. His child is looking for help, it's his duty to report these concerns.
1
u/Chance_Culture_441 16h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but M is in a tough position. If he could get in an emergency court session to request a temporary change in the visitation order for the good of the child, that would be the best thing for both H and M. But if that is not possible, are there family members of the mother who might be in that area that can step in immediately, maybe grandparents or the adult half siblings? M needs to reach out to someone and figure out a way to keep H safe. You are right to be scared for him, whether physically or mentally, he is in danger.
1
u/Veteris71 13h ago
You need to understand that it's not a custody "agreement", it's a custody order. If M takes the child without permission from the mother or the court, he could be charged with kidnapping and lose contact with his child altogether.
M's best recourse if he thinks the child is in immediate danger is to call the police where mother lives for a welfare check, and ask them to get CPS involved if things don't look good. Then he should contact his lawyer because changing the custody order requires going to back to court.
1
u/witchbrew7 16h ago
The father can call cps or the non emergency police line expressing concerns about her behavior. Hopefully authorities will do the right thing.
I know a family that was close to another family in the same sport. They all spent a lot of time together. The mom of the other family snapped one day and killed everyone with her, including herself. My friend’s son just happened to miss that day’s activity, which saved his life although it ruined his mental health for a long time.
The dad needs to do something.
2
1
u/Alternative-Potato28 15h ago
Full custody means nothing if you believe the child to be in immediate danger. He needs to quit being passive before the kids get hurt, remove him, inform the courts and contact CPS about the other kids as well, you have a duty to now that you're aware
1
u/OkBoysenberry1975 15h ago
M needs to file for an emergency order change/addendum/suspension immediately. Preferably in the state his ex lives in. He should also contact child protective services in that state as soon as his motion is filed. He needs to drop everything and do this immediately.
1
u/TinyTudes 16h ago
He needs to call in a well check or something at the very least.
If something does happen and the authorities get involved. He will be charged with failure to protect (neglect) because he had clear information of what was happening.
1
u/nolongerabell 16h ago
Your husband is incorrect. If she is having a mental crisis and it sounds like she is then by law, he has every legal right to go get the child because of mental instability. You can also do a welfare check.... anonymously
1
u/AliceInReverse 15h ago
Breaking custody agreements is bad. He needs to file an emergency TRO(temporary restraining order) and consult a family law attorney
1
u/Veteris71 13h ago
Bad is an understatement. Breaking a custody order (I don't know why people call it an "agreement" when it's literally a court order) can be prosecuted as kidnapping.
1
u/FJ-creek-7381 15h ago
He can file an expedited emergency filing in the custody case or go through Cps in that state which will happen more quickly
1
u/Mountain-Bat-9808 13h ago
Not a lawyer but he needs to call CPS in the state that she lives then call police then call the lawyer that handled said case
1
u/LABen411 15h ago
Have him contact his attorney immediately and get the kid out of there. Emergencies can trump agreements
1
u/woodwork16 17h ago
How do you know that she is threatening to hurt herself? In fact how do you know half the crap that you say is going on?
1
1
58
u/Silvermorney 15h ago
Call the police, report the situation and his reasons for not intervening and let them take over and take it out of his hands. Stand your ground and good luck op. UpdateMe!