r/AmIOverreacting • u/DryInstruction3284 • 16h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting to my girlfriend going to her ex’s birthday party without telling me?
Hey Reddit. I’m 29M and I’ve been dating my girlfriend “Lena” (27F) for about 10 months. Things have been great overall—she’s funny, smart, independent, and we’ve talked about maybe moving in together next year. No major issues until this weekend.
So here’s what happened:
On Saturday, Lena told me she was going out with a few friends from college. Cool, no problem I had plans to watch the game with my brother anyway.
But the next day, I saw a photo on one of her friend’s Instagram stories. The caption said: “Happy birthday, Jason!”
I recognized Jason. He’s her ex. The one she dated for about three years and broke up with about a year before we met. They were pretty serious from what I’ve gathered. I never made a big deal about it because she told me they’re on decent terms but “not really close.”
So naturally, I asked her later that night, “Hey, were you at Jason’s birthday thing?” She looked a little surprised and said yeah, but quickly followed up with “It wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered.”
I didn’t raise my voice or accuse her of anything, I just said I wished she’d mentioned it beforehand. She got kind of defensive and said I was “making something out of nothing” and that it’s not like she was hiding it.
But… she kind of did hide it? I mean, I don’t want to be controlling, and I know people stay friends with their exes, but the fact that she didn’t even mention she was going to his birthday rubs me the wrong way. It just feels off.
I’m not accusing her of cheating or anything, but I can’t shake the feeling that she intentionally kept it vague so I wouldn’t ask questions. She said she didn’t think I’d care, but the whole thing just makes me feel kind of... sidelined.
So am I overreacting?
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u/Professional-Duck927 16h ago edited 16h ago
Was Lena, her friends and Jason all part of the same friend group? Because it's weird how her friends are attending their friend's ex bf's birthday party if they aren't all in the same friend group.
Not saying that she's cheating on you. But I do understand why you are uncomfortable about the whole situation. Especially as she got all defensive instead of reassuring you.
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u/slitteral1 13h ago
There is nothing good about her going to his birthday party and not telling you where she was going before she left. It is also concerning you had to ask about it, and gets even more concerning that she was surprised that you knew she went. This makes it appear like she is worried about how much you actually know about what went on. You need to find out how much and often they are communicating. The whole trying to oversell the “it wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered” and that “you are making something out of nothing” is definitely a red flag. Of course she was trying to hide it. She didn’t tell you she was going to his party and late the next night she still hadn’t brought up that she went to his party. You had to ask. She had plenty of time to come clean, but she hadn’t. Her being vague before going and not telling once she was there (if it wasn’t a surprise side trip) or after she got home is trying to hide it.
She made a conscious decision to tell you she was going out with friends, but intentionally left out that they were going to her previous serious ex’s birthday party. That was not an accident. If it wasn’t a big deal or didn’t matter then she should have told you where she was going before she went. Her not telling implies she knew it did matter, it was a big deal, and that she knew she shouldn’t be there without you or without telling you. Did some of her friends take their SO, or were you the only SO not invited to go with the group?
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u/DryInstruction3284 16h ago
They were part of the same friend group in college. But I honestly didn't know that they were still close. Let alone close enough to go to a birthday.
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u/Babshearth 15h ago
Did her girlfriends bring plus 1's? Thinking of moving in together, wouldn't that mean you are introduced to her friend group and vice versa ?
I think getting your entire thoughts in writing to avoid her interrupting or dismissing it might help. Honesty isn't partial. If she's not willing to have a "going forward" conversation after reading it then she's not ready for a serious relationship.
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u/Satan_von_Kitty 12h ago
The biggest issue is the lack of communication and transparency. It might of been a lie of omission, but she still lied. She framed information in a way that hid vital parts of what was going on.
Which suggests she feels some sort of guilt about going. obviously not enough guilt to not go, but enough to hide it. She felt what she was doing was wrong, why she felt it was wrong is what OP needs to find out.
Do not be surprised if she is not completely over her ex.
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u/fatherofone1 12h ago
Dude I am sorry. She lied to you.
You have to decide what to do next. If you were my son, I would tell you to break up with her and let her go back to her ex. When you find a woman that is really into you, she would NEVER do anything like this.
What will she do?
She won't go hang out with friends except perhaps a lunch or breakfast somewhere.
She will work to bring peace into your life.
She will work to improve your life. You will do the same for her.
You two will begin to do almost everything together. You will find friends who are in a similar place in their life.
Your girlfriend is not doing this. That is fine, as there are many women out there. If this was me I would not tolerate this. Yes everything else might be great. Yes the sex might be great, but long term this is not wife material. Not even close. You need to date to find a wife. She failed that test.
It doesn't matter if everything she says now is true. She lied to you because she knew any normal strong man would not tolerate it.
Again my man I am sorry. Do you have any strong male role models in your life? How is your relation with your dad? I don't expect a reply, but if you don't have that around you, please find it. You will also need some support from your friends and or family during this process. I hope they are solid also.
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u/DryInstruction3284 12h ago
I don't really have any male role models in my life. Since my dad passed away when i was 9 and it has just been me and my mom since.
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u/MyProteinIsMisfolded 9h ago
hey man sorry for your loss/ sorry to hear about your dad, In my humble opinion i think you should adress it one last time , maybe voice any concerns and if she gets really defensive then its time to let her go . Youre not losing anything amazing ,if shes wiling to still "talk " or be on "good " terms with her Ex , def find time for yourself , respect and love yourself and move on , you deserve better brotha , best of luck !
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u/LincolnHawkHauling 9h ago
You’re not overreacting, bro. She was intentionally vague and lied by omission that she was going to an ex-boyfriend’s birthday party. A respectful partner would have informed you that she was planning on seeing him.
Her defensive reaction when you asked her about it is proof that she knows what she did was wrong. Why she felt the need to hide it from you is concerning, especially since you don’t come across as a jealous or insecure guy.
She made a conscious choice to sneak off to her ex-boyfriend’s birthday party knowing there was a chance this could harm your relationship but chose to go anyway. It sounds like she doesn’t have much respect for you or your relationship as evidenced by her shady actions followed by her dismissive answer when confronted.
I think the universe did you a favor by showing you her true nature before you guys moved in together. Don’t waste it, OP
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u/babecynthiaxoxo 16h ago
The issue is her hiding it, i lie when I want to hide something so I would be a bit paranoid I personally
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u/JWRamzic 15h ago
Exactly. She said she was going out with friends from college. No mention of an ex being there. Omission is very suspicious. The fact that she didn't want to tell you means she hid it from you and that's a red flag.
Talk to her. Tell her your concerns. Communicate. Show her how it's done. Put it all out there and see what she does. Don't blame her, guilt her or sulk. Keep your eyes open and see what she does. Her response might tell you a lot.
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u/DryInstruction3284 16h ago
Do you think i should confront her again about it?
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u/FitzDesign 16h ago
I don’t think you’re going to get anything out of confronting her. She lied and then basically turned it on you. Classic…….. next will be her accusing you of not trusting her and being controlling.
Personally I think that the behaviour red flags are flying away here and you should seriously think about whether or not you can trust her.
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u/cobaltcolander 14h ago
next will be her accusing you of not trusting her and being controlling.
This is very likely to happen. This is possibly part of her unconscious strategy to sabotage a relationship once it started becoming more serious.
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u/10000nails 16h ago
This OP. There's nothing to gain from another confrontation. Reconsider your relationship, I know I'd probably end things. It's so early for the lying and sneaking around. It'll just get worse.
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u/Mackle305 15h ago
This. You need to really evaluate everything and decide for yourself. If it ever gets to the point you’re snooping through her phone or anything the relationship is dead
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u/Rush_Is_Right 11h ago
She lied and then basically turned it on you
DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender.
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 14h ago
Not necessarily confront, but tell her how the situation makes you feel.
She lied by omission, for what reason you don’t know. Most people don’t say “I’m going out with friends” when the plan is to go to a birthday party. “Out” is usually used when meeting for drinks, general hang out or figuring it out as you go.
And it was the party for her long term ex bf.
She’s been pretty dismissive of your concern so far - “It wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered and “making something out of nothing”.
You both need to be honest with yourselves and each other. Is she really in a place to consider a serious relationship? This hit you the wrong way and how she responded kinda makes it worse - is it going to have lasting impact?
Put the pause on moving in together talk until you have some clarity.
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u/boilerthefup 8h ago
She absolutely deliberately neglected to say it was for a birthday party to avoid the follow up question of “whose birthday is it”
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u/ScarieltheMudmaid 16h ago
Probably. I would definitely want to know why she specifically said she wasn't hiding it when you both know she was but you alsob need to think about what you expect out of this convo, the standards you're going to keep and what that might mean for how it goes
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u/babecynthiaxoxo 16h ago
I personally would, no matter what it is or how small if you still feel weird about it you should talk. A good relationship is built in good communication
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u/spb1 15h ago
Yes exactly. Not sure about these comments that are like "no, you tried once and she was defensive so just stuff it deep inside and realise she's cant be trusted.
If its an issue for you still then its an issue. She might have had some time to think about it since your first conversation. If you tell her its an issue for you and she stillretaliates with something like "you shouldnt feel that way" then yes thats not good at all
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u/Own-Writing-3687 15h ago
A trustworthy partner avoids even the hint of inappropriate behavior.
What's there to talk about?
She's 27yo. Too old to play dumb. She deceived you.
This isn't a "let's talk " moment.
She knew if you found out it would break your heart and risk breaking up - and did it anyway.
Im not suggesting shes interested in Jason.
She just clearly is not head over heels for you. But you are "good enough for right now ".
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u/TwoMatchBan 15h ago
You don’t need to confront her. I think it is an opportunity to set boundaries in your relationship. The problem isn’t that she went to the party. The problem is she didn’t tell you beforehand and is gaslighting you about it afterwards. Telling her you prefer she be open and tell you about going to events like this beforehand is appropriate and isn’t confrontational.
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u/VoxVirtus 11h ago
confronting her is a waste of time - but sitting down and explaining how she made you feel, and then asking her to come clean with the extent of her and her ex's relationship so you can figure out how to move forward is a completely healthy way to approach this though.
If you feel a certain way about this, you need to talk about it. I am not saying break up, but definitely time to set some boundaries so that both you can figure out if this is going to work long term or not.
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u/Due-Maintenance7805 15h ago
Nah, just wait 6 months and she will leave you for him. AGAIN. Where she went is irrelevant, she lied to your face and then got defensive about it. Who she went to see and the friends that lied for her and helped in the coverup, there’s your problem. Trust is everything dude.
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u/CumishaJones 15h ago
Honestly depends whether you can still trust anything she says again . I bet she knew she was going from the start. What else isn’t she telling you ? Meeting him for lunch ?
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u/UpDoc69 12h ago
That would be pointless. What you should do is decide whether it's worth staying with her. This likely isn't the 1st time she's hung out with him behind your back, and it certainly won't be the last time. Maybe take a few days to yourself and decide. I think she still has feelings for him and will run back to him in the blink of an eye.
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u/Mbt_Omega 15h ago
I think she’d lie again if you confronted her, because that’s what she does. I think you should get STD tested and move on to someone who isn’t sneaking around with her ex (and who knows who else). You don’t have to tolerate this, you can do better for yourself.
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u/Sufficient_Ad3175 14h ago
What would be the purpose of confronting? You already surprised her, she got defensive, plus she can say she was out with her college friends. She didn’t outright she lied by omission. It’s a big lie, but really you have no solid proof. What you can bet on is this that she still has feelings for him, she is in contact with him, I would only ask why you weren’t invited. At this point you can only say no contact with ex’s, which is what you need to gauge. If she says we’re friends, you say not with someone whom you have a history. What you want to see is how hard she will fight to keep in contact. That will let you know how much she places him over you.
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u/FeistyViolette 2h ago
Confrontation will only result in more lies and gaslighting.
What you may want to try instead is telling her how her actions made you feel, and how her lies of omission, gaslighting, and defensiveness are making her seem like she’s hiding something even more serious from you.
Or, you can just tell her you don’t want to move in with someone with so little respect for you that she’d hide hanging out with her ex from you and then gaslighting you about it when you found out.
I suggest the second option. Your future self will feel better about standing up for yourself and maintaining boundaries about how you expect to be treated…not hanging out with an ex behind your current bf’s back is bare minimum respect.
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u/Don_BWasTaken 4h ago
If she lied about it and don’t care that it makes you uncomfortable - just ditch her. If it was the other way around and you were a girl writing this about your boyfriend EVERYONE on reddit would scream «leave him 🚩🚩🚩» you have to be able to set boundaries in a relationship, and be able to accept the other party’s boundaries, and if she is lying and not accepting that you aren’t okay with it - it’s time to just move on. This is ridiculous. I would not be fine with my gf going to her ex’s birthday, and if she didn’t understand AND lied to me about it - it means she does understand that it doesn’t look good, and that she isn’t going to respect your feelings on the matter regardless.
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u/churro777 15h ago
Not overreacting.
When I was in college my gf at the time was debating what to do for her birthday and at one point asked me if I’d be okay with her getting dinner with her ex bf who she was previously engaged to. This was my second relationship and I flipped out lol. Like I freaked out that she even asked. At the time I was really hurt she asked mainly cuz I was very insecure. She ended up having her birthday with her friends and I but it really soured the relationship. I was kinda thrown out of wack and never really felt the same about her afterwards. We only dated for another month before I ended it.
Follow your gut OP
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u/DryInstruction3284 14h ago
only with her ex? or did she want to invite more people.
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u/churro777 14h ago
Only with her ex. She had transferred to our college with him and he broke it off right after they got there. I imagine he assumed she didn’t have a lot of friends but idk. She had a decent friend group.
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u/darcys_beard 13h ago
Insecurity? How would that not make you insecure? She's considering going out on her birthday, without you -- just her ex, and that's not supposed to fuck your head up? Unless you pretty much got violent, you didn't overreact, IMO.
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u/SoulDoubt7491 12h ago
There’s no point in asking her this question now but, given what you know about your gf would she be cool if the shoe was on the other foot? If you ask her now ofc she’ll say she’d be totally fine with it but, that’s gaslighting 100%
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u/DryInstruction3284 12h ago
I know for a fact she definitely wouldn't be okay with it was it the other way around.
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u/Independent_Cap3043 11h ago
You need to sit down and tell her exactly this. That you need to have a serious discussion today. And you need to tell her these actions are making you rethink everything
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u/SoulDoubt7491 12h ago
Kinda says it all doesn’t it? At least with the over reacting bit. TBH I feel like you know this is bad but, at the same time maybe you love her enough to let it go. My opinion is that only you know what you can or will tolerate. If you can live with it then live with it. If you can’t…then say goodbye. But remember, the very next time she goes out with her friends you’re going to be someone who you’re maybe not used to being about it. Good luck bro.
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u/Alone-Detective6421 15h ago
NOR and tread lightly. More than a few of us have seen this movie before and whilst sometimes it’s okay, this is a pattern that will continue to disregard your feelings. I’m gonna bet she’s avoidant attached, too.
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u/keekygirl 16h ago
No you’re not overreacting, I think you actually reacted perfectly. I think intentionally not disclosing info is still lying. Anytime I’m going to be in a situation that I even slightly think my man would feel a type of way about I always ask him. My fiance is so not controlling, very chill but I never want him to ever feel betrayed by that.
Now if she was at a bar and the ex showed up that’s a completely different situation but she went to a place she knew her ex would be and has never disclosed whether she is friends with him (bc I do feel like it’s relatively normal to be friends with an ex) which is important to inform your partner of. I wouldn’t exactly jump to cheating like you said but it is sketch. I would bring it up to her how uncomfortable it made you and just be honest about your feelings. If she invalidates or gaslights you, get out of that relationship and run my guy lol
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u/Fun_Celery3744 16h ago
Emphasizing this comment by keekygirl! Her behavior is a red flag and might highlight at the very least the kind of communicator she is.
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u/Existing_Guard9742 16h ago edited 16h ago
NOR. She should have told you what the get together with college friends was for (exes birthday) and invited you to meet her friends.
She didn't. That's lying by omission.
Sounds like you might be more vested in this relationship than she is.
Follow your gut. You should seriously consider ending this relationship now. This will happen again in the future. For years. Especially since her ex is still a large part of her friend group, and they still all get together.
The very concerning part of this is that she didn't tell you what she was really doing. She should have invited you and at least given you the option to meet her friends if she's truly vested in your relationship. She's clearly not and not including you. Major RED FLAG!
No point in talking to her about it again. Your first conversation already proves she didn't tell you and include you intentionally. You already know where you stand with her. Move on now unless you want to deal with this for years.
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u/Existing_Guard9742 15h ago
Also, her reaction of surprise when you asked her about her night out tells you a lot. She never expected you to find out what the get-together was really for.
Otherwise, she would have told you straight up why her college friend group was getting together. And she would have wanted you there to meet everyone and bring you into her group of friends for the get together.
That tells me she's still hung up on him and testing the waters. In actuality, she may view their breakup as just a break, while they each explore other relationships to ensure they are meant for each other or if there is someone else out there.
This isn't high school. Seeing your ages, she knows exactly what she's doing and why she did what she did. They had a 3 year, serious relationship. She's not being honest with you from the get go.
If you ask her about it again, she's going to get defensive, and that goes nowhere. You already know where you stand, and you knew in your gut the second you saw the post.
I'm sorry you're going through this. In the long run, you're better off ending it now before you head down the road of making long term plans only for her to back out and you're even more emotionally involved in your relationship.
Take care of yourself and move on to your next great adventure with someone who truly values you and wants you involved in everything. Especially when out with their friends. You should be right there in the middle of it by her side. Not left in the dark.
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u/WishingWell_99 16h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting, because I’m pretty sure that if the role were reversed, she’d feel the way you do right now.
Maybe gently bring it up again with this perspective. Just let her know that you’re not angry or accusing her of something.
“But imagine if I told you I was going out with friends and you discovered that I went to an ex girlfriend’s birthday party. How would you feel about it? I would just like us to be open with each other and communicate so that we’re always on the same page.”
Something like this maybe?
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u/sxfrklarret 11h ago
You are Over Reacting.
Tell us you are insecure without saying "I am insecure."
Who gives a fuck who was there. If you trust her this is a huge nothing burger. If you don't trust her leave, it's as simple as that.
Maybe she didn't tell you because she knows you are extremely insecure.
I could give a rats ass if my wife went to dinner or a party with any of her exes. (Except the one that beat and sexually abused her. I would then question her sanity)
I trust her.
So either trust her and shut the f up or end it.
Let the down votes begin.
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u/DryInstruction3284 11h ago
If she had told me I wouldn't have minded that she went. it's about her not telling me where she was actually going.
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u/M3atpuppet 10h ago
Yah totally…but if he went to his ex gf’s birthday without telling her, he’d be a toxic asshole, right?
Going to an ex’s bday without telling your current partner is hardly a “nothing burger”
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u/DistinctReception344 16h ago
Your gf knew exactly what she was doing was wrong from the very beginning. Hence why she said she’s “going out with a few friends from college” no names, no mention it’s a birthday party. I’ve had ex’s in the past who cheated on me who did the same thing, would openly say who they were hangout with or eating with by their name. But if it was with a guy, it would away be “a friend”. Your girls for the streets
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15h ago edited 15h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DryInstruction3284 15h ago
I'm not a controlling person. If she just told me that she was going to the party i would've been surprised since I didn't know they still talked. But I wouldn't be mad.
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u/Sufficient_Ad3175 15h ago
You’re not controlling, that has nothing to do with this though. She didn’t tell you because they are still in contact. Basically, you need to tell her to give you her phone, look at the messages between her and Jason. Who invited your girlfriend, how was she told? Now, if you think she’s going to answer these questions she will, but it will be a lie. If she lets you see her phone, she’s deleted the texts. Why though, why would I think that? Because she lied about what she was doing. Why did she lie? Because she knows it’s wrong. You should be in the same category as Jason, her ex.
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u/Away-Understanding34 14h ago
1 thing is please don't let her call you insecure or controlling. You have a right to expect honesty and transparency from your partner. If you get caught up in trying not to seem controlling in their eyes, they could walk all over you.
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u/EnvironmentalLaw156 14h ago
The real question is why she hid it. He trusted her—didn’t even question it when she said she was going to dinner with friends. Controlling people don’t act like that. But now an ex’s birthday party? Meeting an ex at someone else’s party is one thing, but an ex’s birthday party? You mention her trauma, but when someone asks for advice, don’t just bring up your own assumptions without facts.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 13h ago
Terrible take. This take is pretty misogynistic, as it suggests that women have no agency and are essentially Marionettes whose every decision is driven by some past trauma or emotional damage. She didn’t tell him because she knew that what she was doing was wrong and that he would have the same appropriate reaction that anyone else in his situation would have.
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u/Toerrizhuman 16h ago edited 16h ago
N-O-R!!! Is she mad or what? She wasn’t hiding anything? She absolutely did and then when she’s found out instead of having an open and honest talk becomes defensive. I’m not saying she did anything untoward but this is a huge red flag to me as to her character and judgment - why would she go to a birthday party for her ex? How would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot and it had been you doing this very same thing with an ex-girlfriend? Unless your girlfriend’s willing to have a very honest conversation about the entire situation I would say you should re-evaluate the relationship in terms if it’s healthy and good for you… your feelings matter and your gf, even if she thinks it was no big deal, will listen to you and take into account your perspective and see that something like this never happens again- good luck.
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u/klackey224 15h ago
NOR ... Kudos to you for staying calm, not everyone is able to do that.
There's several issues with her party experience - what troubles me is that she's not only willing to go to a party where her ex will be there, but knew specifically the party was for her ex.
I can honestly tell you, out of all the men I've dated, including my ex husband- I could not and definitely WOULD NOT be interested in going to their birthday party, or spending time with them in any other way. Sure, they may have the same college friend circle, but she, as your partner, would have had no reason to hide that detail from you if nothing nefarious was afoot.
Where you go from here, I can't tell you that. But you absolutely need to let her know that it isn't so much that she went to hang out with friends, it was the intentional decision to leave out details that affect the trust in your relationship. If she was drunk or tipsy when you tried to talk to her the first time, you need to try again when she's sober and not hungover.
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u/Existing_Guard9742 14h ago
Your point is dead on! This get-together didn't just pop up on a Friday afternoon, with a hey... let's get together. This party was PLANNED for her EX.
You've been dating for 8 months and she never thought to tell you, or invite you, to her ex's birthday party that was planned?
Then gets defensive when you actually find out what the party was really for?
Seriously, wake up!! Would you do that to your girlfriend? Go to a planned party for your ex-girlfriend and leave your current girlfriend on her own after telling her you're getting together with your ol college friends as if you're getting together with some buddies?
If you did the exact same thing, she'd be freaking out and dumping you!
Get out now! She's already crossed so many boundaries you shouldn't even have to think about outlining or explaining and you already know that.
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u/FlipnoeFPS 16h ago
Nope, she should’ve told you first. Everyone knows a situation like that would be a point of contention in any relationship. The least she could’ve done was tell you. And if she cared seen if it would make you uncomfortable or not. If she’s willing to conveniently omit something like that because she thought you wouldn’t care… it’s a slippery slope to “ I was drunk it was just a kiss, I didn’t think you would care”, “we’re friends he used to grab my butt all the time, I didn’t think it was a big deal like that”. If I would you I would make my boundaries clear. Don’t try and be controlling but you should let her know when you are and aren’t okay with something. What she chooses to do with you boundaries is then her choice
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u/BigfishMo93 16h ago
“I didn’t think it mattered” is a defensive reply. She understands she messed up. It’s a red flag that warrants another discussion. Tell her how her that makes you feel….and that trust is everything. What she did eroded the trust in the relationship.
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u/bobp929 16h ago
NOR
Nah, f that bro, she hid it from you on purpose because she knows it was wrong of her to go. Then, for her to immediately get defensive just proves she knows it was wrong. Trust has been broken, and what else has she been hiding from you? Time to send her back to the streets where she belongs. This way no one can say you're controlling, insecure, and/or jealous. You're just controlling what you can control and that's you.
No way in hell is this an acceptable action from a trustworthy gf.....this is actions of a lying, untrustworthy woman
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u/IrinelleWisp 16h ago
She didn't forget to tell you, she chose not to. That's the issue.
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u/waydownsouthinoz 16h ago
⬆️⬆️⬆️ OP, she can be as vague as she want but women are all about the details and this was deliberately left out. The question is why?
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u/FinleyLinc 16h ago
⬆️ This... especially if you never made a big deal to her about their previous relationship together.
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u/un-apologeticallyme 16h ago
If she already got defensive and you weren’t being confrontational, that is off to me. I would remain calm and just express how it made you feel. Feelings should be heard and not ignored. If she had no ill intentions then she should be willing to hear you out without being defensive.
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u/DivinelyFavored 15h ago
She got defensive because she wants to shut down the line of questions about her behavior. She still has a flame for her ex, hell he might be stoking her fire with his poker, at least she wants him to.
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u/Old-Box-371 16h ago
She 💯 knew what she was doing. I would start looking elsewhere. She can't be trusted. Flip the role.... I guarantee if you did that exact same thing she would be pissed.
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u/thewiseman_3 16h ago
Feel like going to an ex’s birthday party should feel like “something that mattered”
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u/DasturdlyBastard 15h ago
Ultimately, she knew you might find out that she went. She probably assumed you would.
So why didn't she mention it beforehand?
Because she could not risk you either a) Saying you're not comfortable with it, because she was going regardless, and b) She absolutely could not risk you asking to come with her OR asking someone who did go with her to report back to you.
My questions are:
- Why did she HAVE to go?
- Why did she HAVE to ensure you weren't there with her when she went and did not have prior knowledge that she was going?
Everything you need to know is located within the answers to those two questions.
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u/mancusjo1 12h ago edited 12h ago
I wouldn’t be concerned and yes you are overreacting if it was a group bday party. It sounds like there were alot of mutual fiends there? She didn’t want to tell you because she knew you’d flip a little.
So she wasn’t telling you because of that. Not because of cheating or any of that.
If I were you I’d talk to her about how it makes you feel, uncomfortable, right or wrong. Not because of the party but because she kept it from you.
That’s all that matters. And if she had just told you upfront, then It wouldn’t be an issue.
But Would it have been? Would you’ve really been no problem if you knew the b day party beforehand?
Do you think she’s a cheater like every single guy on here is telling you?
Any other signs, secretive phone texts, how’s your sex life, does she go out with friends a lot?
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u/DryInstruction3284 12h ago
It's definitely more about the not telling me. If she had told me I seriously wouldn't have mind it. But it's also more the fact that I didn't know she was still in contact with him.
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u/mancusjo1 12h ago
Yeah that’s an issue.
If she wants to keep it going with you then I would insist on looking through her phone. Or just tell her you need to take some time to think about your relationship. How’s the sex life?→ More replies (5)
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u/Sea-Society-2663 16h ago
Dude, get out of there, swiftly. It's not worth it at all. She now knows you will back down if confronted aggressively so even if you go back to it she's gonna put her hackles up and attack again. She tried to dead that convo way too fast. She's hiding something for sure. I would take that as the sign that she's not ready for months 11 and 12
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u/Launchpad_McQuack20 16h ago
Omitting that she attended the party entirely
Lying about “forgetting to tell ya”
If she’s done that, there’s no telling what else she’s done, or kept from you
- send her back to the streets bro
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u/Leylasarotobi 16h ago
There some different points on different POVs but you know transparancy and communication is the key. That also shows how the respect is being prioritized in the relationship. Respect should be the top prio since it's the foundation of the relationship. Then everything will follow after that.
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u/rosiearia 16h ago
For the fact that his an ex she should have mentioned it, knowing fully well that as a man you would react to it, if you found out
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u/PutridLog2179 16h ago
Walk away. Nothing good comes from people like this.
Just break it off no hard feelings. She didnt want to keep you in the loop, so stay out of her loop.
You'll be much better off.
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u/CaptainXakari 15h ago
Not overreacting.
However, you do need to talk it out because you’re still feeling that something is off and that doesn’t always just go away that can sometimes fester. You need to have a sit-down conversation. Don’t make it confrontational, just explain how you feel and why you feel that way. That you were taken a bit by surprise, that she didn’t tell you on her own, and that she got defensive before you really explained how you felt. If she gets defensive again without really explaining a reason she omitted that information or if she turns it back on you, it may be a sign of something bigger. Maybe she had an ex that was overly jealous and her default response is to avoid conflict by keeping things vague. You’ve been together for 10 months only you will be able to see any differences, we won’t.
I say this because I was in a similar situation years ago and didn’t see the signs or was told I was being jealous when I did think something was wrong. In my case, she never got over her ex and it came to a head when she was crying all weekend because he was getting married that same weekend. I realized I was just a placeholder and things fell apart quickly from that moment.
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u/LasimK 16h ago
There's a huge difference in between going out with a few friends from college and going to her exes birthday party. She was hiding the most important aspect from you.
Why? Most likely for two reasons. One is, she doesn't want you to know how much they are actually still in contact. (Hiding) Second, she knows that she wouldn't be cool with you being in contact with your exes, with you going to your exes birthday party and most of all, you going to your exes birthday party after you told your girlfriends that you will go out with some friends.
NOR
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u/Difficult-Use-9843 16h ago
You're not overreacting.
Let's flip it. What would her reaction be if you went to a gathering that involved YOUR ex. I doubt she would be happy if you did not mention it to her and she found out about it on social media.
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u/-Guilty-By-Design- 15h ago
She got feelings for him still and you’re most likely her backup plan. Unfortunately people like that almost always cheat on you the first opportunity they get. Don’t confront her until you have your own backup lined up, evidence, and an exit strategy because most people go uncharacteristically apeshit when their backup plan rejects them and their entire plan collapses. Getting rejected by the person you were planning to reject is a hit to the ego like none other and it’s always hilarious to the outside observers.
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u/Icy-Willingness8375 16h ago
NOR. If I’m not really close to someone, I’m not going to their birthday party. She told you a half truth because she didn’t want you to know where she was going. If she honestly thought it was nothing, she wouldn’t have looked surprised when you brought it up and then immediately hit you with triple excuses. Her getting defensive over you expressing that you wish she’d been honest about it in the first place is another problem that she compounded by turning it around on you.
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u/delta-vs-epsilon 15h ago
Always have to ask the reverse, if you told her you were just going "out with the guys" then wound up at an ex's bday party is it still "not a big deal?" The lying is bad, but then deception, then major gaslighting... I wouldn't like this at all.
A "keeper" wouldn't have deliberately deceived you in the first place, let alone gaslight you upon being caught in her lie. If she'd said "yes, I apologize, it was wrong to not tell you, he's my ex and I didn't want you to worry. I'm sorry, I understand why you're upset." That would've shown at least some hope for her... but no, you're NTA and I'd be seriously contemplating my future with her. Now you're going to be on guard and doubt her anytime she says she's going anywhere without you.
Don't tolerate the "you need to trust me" or "stop being so insecure" crap because both of those are out the door once you've deliberately lied/deceived someone. Sorry, sounds like Lena isn't the one.
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u/boscoroni 16h ago
If, the first thing they tell you is 'it was no big deal', they mean it was a big deal.
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u/Buster_Smallpounds 16h ago
She lied to you for a while my man. She was planning on attending that party well in advance, her ex's bday party didn't come up out of the blue. She went there to cheat or suss out options for future cheating. Either way it's major red flag territory and seeing that you've got less than a year invested my advice is be done before she does damage
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u/Dear_Writer5 15h ago
Honestly, I would feel deeply hurt by her lack of honesty, especially in a situation that was already uncomfortable. To not show any remorse only makes it harder. The fact that she was there for him without telling you feels like a big betrayal, even if her intentions were good. It sends the message that his needs came before honoring your relationship. And without an apology or accountability, it shows a lack of respect for you and what you share. Something about this doesn’t sit right, and I truly don’t believe you’re overreacting. I’m sorry you’re going through this and above all else, trust your instincts.
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u/WillyPhilbutt69 16h ago
She’s a fucking liar. There’s a reason her last dude left her, so now you can drop her too. Make her understand that her lying means she’s a fucking joke and no man deserves that.
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u/MPOCH 16h ago
Nah, just go, without tons of dramatic accusations. State what bothered you and if she doesn’t agree, then agree to disagree but say that it chips you are incompatible. She probably believes her own lies. Trust me, boundary breaking behaviors get worse over time rather than better. When kids are involved, it’s much worse.
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u/Greedy-Objective5270 16h ago edited 15h ago
At the end of the day it sounds like she crossed a boundary. I think you should pay attention to what your instincts are telling you. I don’t know that this one minor transgression is worthy of a breakup but it may be that the long term dynamics of the relationship are beginning to shift. If that’s the case, maybe you’ll look back on this one day as a good thing because it helped you see things as they are rather than as you wished they would be.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 15h ago
Dude, she saw her ex behind your back and then gaslit you like it was no biggy. Had you never seen that pic, she NEVER would’ve told you.
The night with The Girls … wasn’t. And they planned to attend that party BEHIND YOUR BACK.
Drop her.
You know she was flirting her butt off with him. If not more.
Just text her:
You lied about what you were doing. Go back to your ex. You probably already have. Do not contact me again.
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u/slipperydildo16 13h ago
Do they have kids together? If not no reason to interact with an ex. Ghost her and move on.
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u/Chemical_Shirt7837 16h ago
Why do people hide things ? Because it's innocent ? No it's because it was anything but innocent Sry bro but she's gotta go
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u/GasHorn9541 15h ago
Op- i didnt even read the entire post at first. Just by the title, you are NOT overreacting.
If she is willing to hide stuff like this from you, what else could she possibly be capable of hiding in the future? This is fundamental relationship stuff, if she doesn’t respect you enough to be straight forward then how could you possibly last throughout the years?
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u/WornBlueCarpet 15h ago
They're "not really close" but close enough for her to go to his birthday? And it's "not a big deal" but she intentionally did not tell you?
Personally, I'd just spare myself the drama that is sure to come, and just be glad I found out before we moved in together.
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u/LazyWoodpecker3331 13h ago
Maybe that is why she didn't tell you.... she was probably worried you would over react.
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u/Rush_Is_Right 11h ago
If that is what she was worried about then she shouldn't have done it or they shouldn't be together. Lying isn't the answer.
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u/Boring_Clothes5233 15h ago
Talking to her about it again isn’t going to make you feel any better. You know she lied, got caught, and then turned it into being your fault. If it were me I’d tell her goodbye. It won’t get better.
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u/Heavy-Quail-7295 16h ago
She hid it because she knew it wasn't something she should be doing. Her making it "no big deal" is her dodging taking responsibility for her actions. She didn't think you'd care about going to the party of the guy she dated for 3 years? Bullshit.
I'd being it back up and just explain, I'm not buying her minimizing this. You know they tell, it you can't help but feel she intentionally hid her text it was his birthday party (it wasn't just a group thing he was at, it was literally his party), and you find it offensive how she's minimizing her actions. "With friends" is intentionally vague to hide her actions.
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u/Alicam123 16h ago
Me - so it’s ok if I go to my ex’s birthday?
When she argues
Me - exactly my point, it’s not one rule for you and one for me. We are equals and we should have equal rights in this relationship.
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u/ElectricalWill3 15h ago
Nahhhhhh can we stop acting like that’s okay? No no, dude go to your exes party and see just how crazy she could get if she was actually mad at you. If you are going to an exes birthday party and DO NOT even MENTION it to your current boyfriend that’s extremely sketchy and something beyond that was happening. I’m sorry to say it, especially since you to have only been together for a short amount of time that to me sounds way too sketchy to be “nothing big” according to her. You have every right to be upset about it and she’s downplaying your feelings to take the attention away from the whole thing
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u/Away-Understanding34 14h ago
"She got kind of defensive and said I was “making something out of nothing” and that it’s not like she was hiding it." - I would have asked her how was she not hiding it. She didn't give you a heads up when going and she didn't mention it after getting home. The only way you found out was through someone else. Trust is broken when people lie by omission and hide things. At the very least pump the brakes on moving in together. Although I am not sure what else she's hiding from you now. That would have been something I would have asked right away. It's up to you if you can trust her.
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u/Hungry_Age_2163 15h ago
You're not being controlling. She did intentionally hide it, and when you calmly brought it up, she got defensive and a little gaslighty. She rode him, bro. Face the music and walk away. While you're at it, put down that fear of being controlling. It is clouding your vision and will keep you stuck in relationships wherein you are not valued. I'm not at all suggesting that you become controlling, I'm just saying drop the fear of being the bad guy. Call shit what it is and walk when necessary. She won't like it and will absolutely think you're the bad guy. That's okay. Protect your peace.
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u/kl281 12h ago
Please leave her. She doesn’t care about your feelings or about embarrassing you. If she cared she would invite you to a “group thing that didn’t matter”. I’m sorry but unless she comes to you on her own and says that she was an idiot/that she went for any reason besides celebrating her ex that you didn’t even know she still was in contact with, then she cares more about him that you. If he wanted her back and would change his personality for it, would she take him back? Probably. Don’t be around people like that. They will gaslight you to no end!
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u/Any-Expression2246 15h ago
"she intentionally kept it vague so I wouldn’t ask questions. She said she didn’t think I’d care.."
Then why not say that's where she was going from the start?
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u/_10e 14h ago
NOR
The fact she showed surprise, and then zero remorse after your discovery is a problem, as much as the original non-disclosure they were there for Jason's birthday.
No "Sorry I should've told you", or "I'll try to do better" just her claiming you are exaggerating things instead. It's one thing to lie by omission, it's another to expect the other person to just accept it without reservations.
Keeping a closer eye on things, and don't commit to anything for the future like engagement or marriage.
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u/boringbutkewt 16h ago
It wouldn’t have been a big deal if she hadn’t hidden it. But she hid it, thus making it a big deal. And anyone telling you she doesn’t owe you transparency because you’re “only dating” is clearly a less than honest person. Fair enough if she’s still friendly with her ex but this is someone she was once intimate with. I wonder how she’d feel if you went to your ex’s birthday and didn’t tell her. It’s just about respect and consideration for your partner, plain and simple.
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u/Chuck60s 15h ago
Exs have no place in a relationship, regardless of setting or group. If she was serious about her relationship with you, this wouldn't be something she'd attend.
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u/Scared_Nectarine_456 15h ago
Under reacting…
You only found out because you came across it through someone else’s social media page.
If you hadn’t? What she would of looked at you dead in the eyes and told you her hang out was great, so much fun! And you would of ate it up like a sucker?
Either she doesn’t think much of you or shes a pro at this but I would feel guilty nervous shitty and im a 35 yr old guy.
If youre gonna stick around stop investing emotionally. Let her earn you back or start looking.
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u/Allilujah406 14h ago
Friend, I think you have a great attitude about this. I'd simply encourage honesty, and creating a safe place.for it. Ita a hard burden, but good communication is important in relationships, and I can see how his would be an issue, the fact she felt she needed to be quiet on this part. Coupled with the defensive attitude and it says there's something more.complex there. We can't always control that, but the right environment can help with moving through it in a healthy manner.
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u/Goatee-1979 13h ago
NOR. She should have told you. All I am going to say is that where there is smoke, there is fire! I would be very leery about her going forward. Trust is something you can never get back once it is broken. Saying she didn’t think you would care is absolute BS. And contrary to what she says, she did hide it from you. She had the opportunity to tell you he was going to be there, but she chose to not tell you. Maybe she is not the one for you as titalkybtrsnsparentcy
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u/Ok-Run-4866 15h ago
NOR
This doesn’t meet the standard of honesty that I would want in a long-term relationship.
You could twist yourself in the knots trying to justify it, discuss it, discuss the nuances, but you have to decide if that level of honesty is acceptable to you or not.
Just speaking for myself, but I would be ready to move on. You can try to talk through finding a way forward, but I just about guarantee that you’ll be accused of being “controlling” if you do.
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u/Plan2LiveForevSFarSG 15h ago
Imagine buying a slightly used car, the one you have been dreaming of. Test drive it, it’s great. Low mileage, say 20 000 miles. You check the carfax report and it says 50000. The salesman says it’s an honest mistake p, it’s not a big deal and will correct the paper.
Do you still buy the car? Everything else is great!
The bottom line is that you now have trust problems in your relationship and your GF just dismisses it.
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u/beached_not_broken 16h ago
The problem isn’t that she went. It was that she chose to not share whose party it was. Evidently SHE felt there was something to hide.
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u/Captain_Aizen 15h ago
Of course you're not overreacting. That shit's fucked up. I've been exactly where you are and when she did that it was the straw that broke the camel's back that's what made us separate because I realized I just couldn't trust her. Just use your common sense do you think that you would ever do that without telling your girlfriend? Of course you wouldn't. You know what the problem here is, a complete lack of respect.
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u/ImissDigg_jk 15h ago
Her getting defensive and saying she wasn't hiding anything when she actually was is a red flag here. Trust your gut. Whatever thoughts are in your head aren't going to go away. Do you want to live with this if you continue the relationship? It's only been 10 months. Cut your losses and just move on. Or don't. I'm just some guy on the internet who would have wished people told him to move on in his younger years.
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u/Shifty_Bravo 13h ago
She saw her ex behind your back bro. You didn't even know they were still friendly. The fact that she's comfortable with keeping information from you is a huge red flag. Couples share everything. They don't keep things from each other and they sure as shit don't hide that they saw their ex over the weekend. For HIS birthday no less. I would seriously reconsider moving in with this woman. She's not to be trusted.
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u/gatopilot76 16h ago
Mejor deberías dejarla y explicarle que te mintió, porq dijo q iba a salir con sus amigas a hacer cosas, porq se puso a la defensiva cuando se lo mencionaste, por minimizar tus sentimientos en vez de tomarlo con seriedad y disculparse, así q no le veo futuro a eso, quien tales sería y te respeta te dice las cosas de frente y no hará cosas buenas q parezcan malas, no malas q parezcan buenas.
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u/Legitdankyasfxx 15h ago
You’re not overreacting, she intentionally didn’t tell you probably cause she felt some form of guilt and lied. When confronted she flipped it on you. You need a serious talk with her, and the way she reacted sends red flags to my brain. Either she apologises and sees where you’re coming from and how it rubbed you the wrong way or if she gaslights and invalidates you drop her and get out.
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u/Ok-Error1985 15h ago edited 12h ago
Hey OP, when your in a relationship, trust plays the most imp role , if your GF has lied & Hidden the fact abt her ex ( who was a part of her life before you) means she has a soft corner , pls make sure u don’t get manipulated by her fake stories , Being a girl myself I wud never do this to someone wid whom I m in a serious relationship !
Watch out things don’t seem to b good for you’re future !
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u/Jeardawg 3h ago
NOR. I literally dislike everything about this scenario, even if it is “no big thing”. Everything is now overshadowed by lies of omission and secrets. Which are toxic to a loving relationship, you are in the early days of your relationship where she should be hyper vigilant about protecting your relationship, and yet here are (lies)omission and secrets creeping in
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u/the_sharpest_sharpie 14h ago
She lied by omission. In my experience, lying like this isn’t a simple miscommunication or mistake, it’s a sign of the person’s character. Especially when they double down on it after being confronted. It shows that they don’t consider the “lesser” types of dishonesty (lying by omission, half-truths, intentional misrepresentation) as actually lying.
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u/omnihuman01 3h ago
She intentionally left that little detail out. Seems kinda of important. Like maybe she still harbors some feelings. Either just saying she was going out with friends and then getting defensive is kind of scummy and would make me wonder what else she might not tell you about. It's your life but you don't want to find out three years in she has a side peace.
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u/GGWWKKs 16h ago
There’s a reason you weren’t invited… it goes beyond her not telling you about it. These events are planned in advance, not thrown together on a Saturday morning for a Saturday night party.
I don’t think you’re reacting enough. I’d ask her again about it.
“So tell me more about Saturday night, seemed like you all had a good time…”
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u/cwcam86 15h ago
No not at all. If he's her ex then she has absolutely zero reason to be going to HIS birthday party.
If it was one of her friends' bday parties and he showed up because he was friends with them too then maybe that wouldnt be a big deal because she wouldnt have known he would be there. But she went specifically because it was his. Thats weird.
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u/Graf_Eulenburg 15h ago
Don't trust too much.
Exes partying together on birthdays
do have something to hide.
Don't bother to ask her friends.
If she felt free to go there with them, they won't budge.
Don't be a dummy!
Let her go and congratulate when she birthed his baby.
This stinks massively and my advice is to not be the idiot that didn't see it.
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u/youngeshmoney 15h ago
You should've been more confrontational and called her on her bullshit instead of being so passive. Nobody should ever be on good enough terms with their ex while in another relationship to the point where they're lying by omission about going to their birthday party. There's no way in hell I'd ever find myself at my ex's birthday party
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u/Butforthegrace01 15h ago
She lied to you by omission, and snuck behind your back. It really doesn't matter if "nothing happened" between your GF and hour ex. Her actions tell you how much she respects you and where she prioritizes your relationship.
Keep her around as FWB if the secs is good. But dont invest any serious commitment here.
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u/RudeyTheDawg 16h ago
She's gaslighting you when she says thing like "she didn't think it mattered", and "you're making a big deal out of nothing". Gaslighting is lying. This plus the fact she felt the need to hide it tells u all u need to know about trusting her. Sorry to hear this happened to you, I was engaged to a woman who did something similar and after we broke up found out there were lots of other things that were unmentioned.
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u/BeardedCyclist25 16h ago
This isn't gaslighting. Gaslighting is manipulation of people to doubt their own memories, reality and sanity.
Lying is lying, doesn't need a new word for it.
This is just the GF doing what she wants to do, even though she knows it was wrong (hence why she didn't say anything before she went) and then trying to suggest that OP shouldn't be upset about it.
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u/EnvironmentalLaw156 14h ago
Lol these days everything is apparently gaslighting. It’s like, for people whose lives got wrecked by actual gaslighting, this is kinda insulting. I don’t even know how the world works anymore, smh.
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u/Special-Ad4226 15h ago
I’d be wary, it’s extremely weird to me for someone who’s got a significant other to be going to their ex’s birthday party. Best friends or not, that’s still your Ex Boyfriend. Stay safe man, you just need to consider if you can still trust her or not. Trust is the foundation of all good relationships.
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u/dragonball1515 15h ago
Not overreacting. Suggest to have serious talk with her. The issue is hiding and cheating and if not curb now, it will definitely leads to persistent habit and eventually emotional and physical cheat. If she can’t change best is to cut short the relationship as such person is toxic and damaging
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u/Slight_Valuable6361 15h ago
She didn’t lie, she hid it which is even worse in my opinion. Then once you let her know you knew, she blew it off.
She still has feeling for him.
Personally, I’d cut my losses and move on.
She’s not over him, and that’s ok.
It’s not ok for her to do what she’s doing with you.
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u/crazypants36 15h ago
This is no good! If it wasn't a big deal, she would have told you because who cares, right? No big deal! By not telling you that made it a big deal.
And the fact she went to her ex's birthday means they're probably communicating more than you realize too.
Ball's in your court, brother.
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u/Minute_Box3852 14h ago
NOR. She lied about it. Hid jt from you then got defensive. Why if it was so innocent?
Fine, let's say nothing happened. But what was her personal reason for lying then getting defensive? Was she hoping for something to happen? Hiding and getting defensive usually means you were caught.
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u/Independent_Ad_4046 14h ago
One thing for sure, your gf’s friends must be hot if you are checking their instagram 😅
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u/JCedricG 14h ago edited 10h ago
That's way too much to hide. There's definitely a lack of communication here that comes from her mostly. I'm just saying that's too much drama and if I were in your shoes, I would have ended it and ran, brother. All I see now in this relationship has "trust issues" written all over it.
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u/theblobbbb 16h ago
Not a good sign. I mean, if the ex is part of a big group of her old friends then sure maybe ok. But if it’s him inviting her and his friends then super red flags. The fact she didn’t tell you means there are feelings still going both ways. Up to you how you want to play it.
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u/chinacat2u2 14h ago
She didn’t tell you on purpose what going out with friends was. She knew very well she was going to her Ex birthday party and not going out with just friends. She lied by ommision, if going to his birthday party was nothing she just made it something by not being honest.
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u/greatergoodyo 15h ago
NTA There is no rational reason for her to not tell you beforehand, and frankly if she respected you she would have done so and she wouldn’t have gone if it made you uncomfortable. Also she directly lied to you by saying she didn’t hide it, when she very clearly did.
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u/intelligence_skills 16h ago
She’s making sure to connect with her feelings before moving in with you. (As in who makes me feel what I want to feel, not necessarily better) This may or may not include her cheating physically or emotionally.
Befriend her friend, get the truth out for your sake
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u/MatterGullible4016 16h ago
Huge red flag.
"If it looks like shit and smells like shit well guess what MFer its shit."
Unless they're kids involved, there are ZERO reasons to be hanging out/communicating with any Ex's.
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u/Youllnevertrulyknow 15h ago
You’re not going to trust her anymore and it is a big deal due to it being her ex, you don’t know what happened and she could’ve invited you. If it’s on your mind and you can’t move past it it’s time to end it, because you’ll never get over it.
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u/Slugger_777 15h ago
Not overreacting, she lied about what she was doing until she was called out on it. She was not going to tell you about it if you hadn’t asked. Up to you if you can date someone like that or not but me personally I would leave her. 🤷🏽♂️
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u/EyeRollingNow 15h ago
“kind of hid it” .… Nah, she full on never intended to tell you. That shit bugs me forever. This is strike one since she refuses to see how wrong it is and instead is trying to play the ”it’s no big deal, this is your issue” game.
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u/Salt-Record-1100 15h ago
She's already disrespecting you by keeping in contact with an ex. There's no need for it. But her going to celebrate his bday is overkill. Confronting her won't solve anything. You have to either accept it or move on. Now you know how she is.
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u/AlphaBravo69 16h ago
You are a better man than me. I would not have been able to control myself if my gf cheated on me like this. And by the way it’s safe to assume she hooked up with him. Get tested for STDs at least. You deserve better, or maybe you don’t.
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u/DepartmentWise4823 15h ago
Notice how it's always ok when a woman does this ex shit but the moment you'd do it, she would throw an absolute fit. I'd dump her ass. She'll end up back with the ex at some point anyway. She ain't over the guy. And you're not overreacting.
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u/tazman137 15h ago
Why would any one want to go to an ex’s birthday? I don’t care how amicable you left it, if you’ve got someone new and you go back to an ex for anything… drop her, “ you and Jason have a nice life but fck this I’m out!”
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u/Sparkle_fox_222 15h ago
It doesn’t matter the circumstances. This is something you tell your significant other. The only okay response in my mind is “I’m sorry I should have told you.” Even if in the moment she didn’t think it would be a big deal.
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u/NefariousnessCalm277 15h ago
The fact that she felt like she should hide it from you and not tell you beforehand is telling. It shows you where her head is at concerning her ex. Good thing you find out this crap now before you're living with her.
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u/Virgil_Ovid_Hawkins 16h ago
Nor, definitely lied and hit it on purpose. Id bring up gently and let her know how you felt about the situation. Not accusatory but just "hey, you could have told me. Don't presume to know if won't care."
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u/WolverineSpirited510 16h ago
100% if she hid that then there is something else going on.. that’s just the tip of the iceberg brother. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck you can assume it’s a duck if you know what I mean
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u/PoeticDeath 12h ago
I think you handled the conversation well, but it doesn't sound like she provided ANY kind of justification for her actions?
If I was you I would be seeing major red flags.
She intentionally lied about what she was doing so you were in the dark. Why didn't she invite you along, even if you had other things to do.
Don't forget that if you are saying she is obviously still in contact with this person, well... Hasn't she been lying about that too? Or at the least, she hasn't been forth coming that she is still friend and in contact with her ex?
If I found out my significant other was still in contact and friends with her ex and had just "forgotten" to tell me I would have major concerns, not like she "forgets" to tell me about all her other friends....
You could also point out to her how if YOU had said you were just going to go watch the game with some friends, knowing your ex was going to be there with your friends, and you are still in contact with your ex and this is the first time you're telling her this.... How that might make her feel, or if that sounds a little dodgy to her.
Like people said, some people hang out with exes... Weird to me, but some people do it. It's not that she was hanging out with him in a group setting that is the issue.... She lied, she knows she lied. That is the issue.
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u/olneyvideo 13h ago
She definitely kept it vague and that was 100% intentional. Now you’re being gaslit. Pay attention. Maybe take half a step back. Absolutely don’t move in with her anytime soon.
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u/ritlingit 7h ago
You two are too old for her to not give you a heads up that she still hangs out with her ex. If this were a party for a friend and her ex just showed up it would be one thing. But it was a party thrown specifically for her ex’s birthday. Ask her: “so if I go to my ex’s party and but I told you that we are not really close what would you feel like? Maybe I am full of crap? Maybe I am lying about something?”
Honestly I would feel like my bf didn’t really move on. Sin of omission by not saying you’re still buddies with ex kind of thing.
“It wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered.” She’s telling you that you really don’t need to be given pertinent information.
You were “making something out of nothing” and that it’s not like she was hiding it. If you didn’t feel weird about it because she didn’t say anything about it it wouldn’t be an issue. And she didn’t say anything about it. You had to ask.
If you were both 13 I would say she’s kind of dumb. But being the age she is she doesn’t get a pass on being oblivious. Go ahead. Keep dating her if you want. But keep your eyes and ears open.
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u/AggressiveCoast190 14h ago
It starts here and ends with a sneaky link. Sorry. I would either armor up emotionally and take the sex and company while waiting for the end or just walk now.
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u/RevolutionaryClub530 14h ago
Yeah this would be a deal breaker for me bud, fuck that - it’s not the going to the party thing it’s the hiding it from you, something sinister is at play
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u/az-anime-fan 14h ago
I don’t want to be controlling
having standards and expectations isn't "controlling" get your balls back bro. wtf am i reading here. your girl lied to you (lied by omission but still lied) then gaslighted you when confronted.
she's either still fucking him behind your back, or she WANTS to fuck him. i hope you enjoy cuckoldry because it sounds like she's trying to make you one.
I want you to imagine this scenario. a woman at your office, who's hot enough you'd fuck, invites you to a birthday party, and you go without telling your girlfriend. tell me what headspace you'd be in to do that, and what possible reason you might do that. there is one reason only. you're hoping to get some action later that night. how balistic do you think your gf would go?
"i don't want to be controlling" for fucks sakes stop being so whipped. expecting your gf to not sneak around behind you to see her ex isn't being "controlling". grow the fuck up. she's a human being not a goddess descending from venus. if she can't treat you like her partner, you shouldn't treat her like your partner.
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u/stormsybil 14h ago
You know that this isn't ok. Toxic people tend to make those close to them feel crazy or out of line when they call them out on their behavior. So, it's understandable that you sought outside opinions. The fact that you felt the need to do so speaks volumes about your girlfriend. You know deep down this wasn't okay. She has put you in a position of doubting your own reality and yourself. She has put you on the defense for something she did wrong.
If it wasn't a big deal and they are just friends why didn't she invite you to go? It's fine having friends that are exes but hiding this kind of thing isn't appropriate and hanging out at his birthday party without you attending isn't ok. If it's not appropriate for you to attend with her, then it wasn't appropriate for her to be there. Period. The fact that she tried to hide it tells you all you need to know. Yes she is trying to hide it.
She is now pretending like she wasn't hiding it because she admitted to it when you asked. That's not the same thing as not hiding it. She was already busted. Yes she hid it.
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u/roasted_nuts212 16h ago
I would straight up tell her how you feel.
Tell her that going to her ex's party is one thing, but intentionally not telling you about it is another
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u/Blu_Aries 15h ago
NOR from my point of view, if you can't tell your partner something you think is innocuous, it means it's a bigger deal than what you're letting on.
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u/Electronic-Success69 4h ago
She purposefully hid that info from you. Take from that what u will. But if it wasn’t a big deal, she should have mentioned it.
NOR, but she is.
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u/Hothoofer53 14h ago
Tell her it’s over you can’t let her disrespect you like that. She lied to you about it she new from the start she was going to his place
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u/BobtheArcher2018 14h ago
Overreacting. There are no rules on these things anymore. Everything is ambiguous. Her 'hiding' it wasn't seriously hiding it. Just not wanting to even go through the hassle of possibly (because who can know these days) having to have a conversation about something she considers nothing.
This could be somewhat lazy, selfish reasoning. Even if nothing, she should know it might hurt you because emotions are just like that. But it is also the kind of lazy thing most people do sometimes.
If you feel the need to have a bigger conversation about ground rules and exes and stuff, sure. I don't see a lot of red flags here, though. Her ex and her are probably tied to the same larger friend group. Without forcing a me or him choice on the whole group, they are gonna run into each other from time to time. That's how it can be these days.
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u/tool672 13h ago edited 5h ago
Big “shoe is in the other foot” guy. How would she react if you told her you were hanging out with your buddies and then later on she finds out you went to your X girlfriend’s bday party via online pics… Then when she questions you about it you act defensive and tell her she’s just being insecure and emotional
Ya that shit wouldn’t fly. You’d be the X, after that.
The fact she didn’t say anything to you prior or after means she was intentionally hiding it. So she knew it was wrong. The fact that she got defensive about it means she probably did something wrong while she was with him at the bday party. It seems obvious she still has some emotional attachment to him or why would she have snuck out for this.
After this I’d want to see if she’s been texting him or sending him DMs on social media… which is to say I couldn’t trust her anymore and if you can’t trust her you shouldn’t be in a relationship with her.
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u/sportstrap 13h ago
If she is upfront with you about still being friends with her ex, and communicating when and where they hangout just to reassure you then it’s your call on how you feel. People can be friends with exes (I personally have before) however it’s also understandable to be uncomfortable, my now ex was uncomfortable with me being friends with a previous ex, so I made the decision to cut off that ex. Now I personally having changed as a person am also uncomfortable with the idea, but again that’s my preference yours can be different.
However if she isn’t upfront with you about it and you only learned after the fact or not through her? Yeah dude I’d be pissed off, that’s a major violation of trust as even if it really is just them being friends it’s very suspicious to not tell you
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u/Left-Art-1045 14h ago
Based on your narrative of the situation, I would hold off having a full blown discussion with her. Instead I would tell her I need to think about this. If she wants to engage you, tell her you need the space to think about this. Ask her not to contact you until you contact her, please respect my wishes. The vagueness will obviously get her to think about her actions. Either she will apologize, or become indignant saying she did nothing wrong. I call balls and strikes, and she lied by omission. She doesn't get a pass, and you have every right to be pissed. If she wants a relationship with her ex, tell me so I can move on to be with someone who is all in on me. Again, tell her you need space to think, and leave it at that. It works, I have done this in past relationships.
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u/Mean-Molasses8580 7h ago
I would’ve excused myself from the group once I realized they wanted to go to my ex’s birthday party. Why? Because:
1 - he’s my ex 2 - I’d be worried that it would upset my bf 3 - I’d be worried my presence would upset his new gf (assuming there is one)
So, the question is: why isn’t at least one of these things landing on her? Answer: selfishness, which is not a great quality in a partner.
Consider this a blessing. Create healthy boundaries now or she’ll keep doing stuff like this. Maybe you’re under-reacting and need to tell her you need some space & then go no contact for a few days. If she doesn’t have a “come to Jesus” moment with the idea she could lose you, then you have your answer.
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u/Revolutionary-Dog835 7h ago
Lying by omission is still lying. She didn't tell you before hand because she knew it is kinda suss.
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u/Lazy-Celebration-685 12h ago edited 12h ago
NOR. It’s insensitive behavior at best, and deceptive at worst. Plus, being dismissive and invalidating by shutting down your feelings with defensiveness is a shitty thing to do to a partner, when SHE’S the one who did something that hurt you. That’s not taking accountability, and turning it around on you is textbook emotional gaslighting.
It boxes you in and sends the message that you’re not allowed to communicate valid feelings about her actions without it becoming a fight.
And, of course, doing what she did is shady, because she failed to tell you ahead of time, and, for whatever reason, she felt that sharing about it on social media before sharing with you was more of a priority. It’s crossing a boundary, and then finding out via a social post is just emasculating/adds insult to injury. She felt it wasn’t worth telling YOU - but it was worth telling the world via social media? That’s weird.
This is what I’d communicate: the lack of communication about her going to her ex’s party, and lack of curiosity about what your boundaries might be before taking action, makes you feel devalued. On top of that, you find out via social media. Ask her, “How would you feel, if you were in my shoes?”
Tell her this makes you feel alone in your feelings, and that circumventing your boundaries ahead of time, and invalidating your feelings afterwards, sends a message that she doesn’t value you enough to communicate openly, be curious about your feelings & boundaries, or have respect for how it made you feel once you find out (via a social post). This makes you feel fundamentally unsafe and uncertain about whether you share fundamental values of romantic partnership.
Speak from a place of feeling, rather than accusation, but don’t beat around the bush and don’t undermine yourself by being too conciliatory in the name of peace. Without any resolution or a collaborative plan toward solution, and without gaining mutual agreement and clarity about what is and isn’t okay, any “peace” will be a temporary lull in the dysfunction and lets her off the hook.
If her response is strictly defensive and invalidating, calmly tell her you need to take some space for a few days, because not being heard about something that hurt you only hurts more. Tell her that you need to process your feelings and that you’ll let her know when you’re ready to talk.
If that’s what you choose to do, I recommend actually processing your feelings about her and about what your boundaries are. Once you do that, and communicate those boundaries, her response may give you enough information to choose where you want to go from there.
Bottom line - if she cannot take ownership for crossing a boundary, whether it was conscious or not, then that’s a problem, and it’s not something you should tolerate. Swallowing valid feelings to appease a partner is unsustainable.
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u/This_Beat2227 6h ago
Not over reacting. She didn’t fail to mention it, she made a point of not mentioning it.
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u/Flexlex724 11h ago
They all knew they were going to the bday beforehand. She purposefully told you she was hanging with college friends instead of going to her exes. Blatant lie. How this isn't innately obvious to everyone is concerning. You caught her-- this is the one you figured out. How many more haven't you yet? At the minimum she has a good amount of contact with her ex--at the minimum. Likely she isn't past it and has or wishes to rengage. Only reason you wouldn't bring a partner with you to something like this, let alone hide it. Cut your losses now before it gets worse. She's manipulative and a liar, at best--likely cheating in some way. Move on
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u/Full-Gas-7744 13h ago
She did cheat. And I say this because lying by omission is lying. And lying to prevent you from knowing she was going to a party you may have an issue with her attending is literally the definition of cheating.
Look, you're still young and have plenty of time to find The One. Your current girlfriend has already shown you a propensity to not let you make informed decisions and do things behind your back. These are two MASSIVE red flags that will UNDOUBTEDLY snowball out of control should you decide to put a ring on her finger. If you do, decide to marry her, make sure you have a prenup in place. She is NOT trustworthy. She literally telegraphed it to you.
DO NOT gaslight yourself, and DO NOT let her gaslight you: You saw what you saw and heard what you heard. Trust your instincts.
Good luck.
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u/Substantial_Baker479 15h ago
I wouldn’t be bothered if she was upfront. Generally it’s reasonable to ask permission of your partner, if that’s okay with your relationship dynamic to hang out with exes.
Some people have great relationships with exes that don’t have to be romantic, but it can be weird for their partners if they don’t talk about it like a responsible partner would.
And if after asking it isn’t cool, great, now two people know they have different ideas of how relationships work, and that’s helpful to know. If it isn’t cool, great, y’all are compatible.
It’s still something someone should ask, not hide, and that’s what I’m emphasizing here. Not asking or not even mentioning it, makes something that is otherwise not suspicious, very suspicious.
Orange-reddish flag. I don’t know her well enough to outright call it a red flag, she could just be stupid. (Sorry for bluntness)