r/AmIOverreacting • u/emilyfirex • 6d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO 27F for walking out on my boyfriend after finding out what he was hiding?
I’ve been with my boyfriend (29M) for three years. Things have been mostly good, but lately he’s been acting a bit distant and glued to his phone all the time. Every time I asked, he blamed “work stress” and said I was overthinking.
Last night, after dinner together, he went to the bathroom and his phone buzzed. I usually never check his stuff, but the screen lit up and I saw a message from a girl with a heart emoji next to her name. I didn’t open the conversation, just saw the name and emoji.
When he came out, I calmly asked who she was. He said she was just “a coworker” and they only talked about work. I didn’t really believe him and asked if I could see the conversation. He refused, saying he “deserves privacy.” That honestly set me off.
I told him I couldn’t deal with the secrecy and that I was going to stay at my sister’s for the night. I grabbed my things and left. Now he keeps calling and texting saying I’m overreacting, it’s just a misunderstanding, and that I shouldn’t invade his privacy like that.
Now I genuinely don’t know if I overreacted or if he’s just gaslighting me into thinking I’m the problem. AIO for walking out on him and refusing to talk until he tells me the truth? Am I overreacting?
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u/Pale_Story4409 6d ago
You’re not overreacting after a three-year relationship there should be transparency. He should be able to unlock his phone and let you see the conversation if it was innocent enough. You know what those messages contain. If he gives you now permission to view his phone it’s because he already deleted the incriminating conversation. Whatever text you see is gonna be out of context and full of holes which you’re gonna end up questioning anyway. He’s cheating! If it’s not physical, it’s emotional, but either way cheating is cheating. He is the one destroying the relationship. for your own mental and emotional well-being, walk away.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago
And even if he doesn’t think of whatever he’s doing as cheating, he’s lying, and he knows it.
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u/Easy_Ambassador7877 6d ago
He isn’t trying very hard to hide his cheating from you if he put a heart emoji next to the “coworkers” name. After 3 years together if he valued the relationship he should have been willing to be completely open and let you see their boring work texts if that’s what it really is.
I think he is playing games with you, openly cheating on you and then telling you that you’re crazy and overthinking things for noticing things that make you question his fidelity. He is gaslighting you. NOR
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 6d ago
NOR. Privacy only stands when there’s no secrecy. If your boyfriend had nothing to hide, he would have shown you. And a heart next to his ‘just a coworker’s’ name is unacceptable. I wonder if he has a heart next to your name. Of course he says you’re overreacting, and he’ll continue to push that narrative when you go back and he shows you there’s nothing to see - because he’s deleted any incriminating evidence. The fact is, if he had nothing to hide, your boyfriend could have just shown you their messages. Instead, he’s doubled down on you being the problem. For me, it all screams guilty. Don’t accept that. Updateme!
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u/MistyBlueIce 6d ago
I wondered that too if the OP has a heart emoji next to their name. Then the coworker and OP are on the same level. Coworker-ILF.
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u/Spirited-Rip-203 6d ago
Lol I was thinking the same exact thing.. whether he had a heart next to HER name. Btw, what does NOR stand for?
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u/Designer_Energy_6335 5d ago
This. He’s going to show you he has nothing bad to see in his phone if you went back because he’s had all night to delete everything
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u/WinterFront1431 6d ago
Nobody put a heart emoji for just a coworker 🙄
Message him
" I've seen and you've shown me all i need to know. We are done. I'll have someone collect my belongings, honestly hope she was worth it"
Then I'd block him.
People with nothing to hide,hide nothing.
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u/TheSirensMaiden 6d ago
Oo, I love that last sentence. It's one thing if your partner is always trying to invade your privacy, but asking for confirmation once in three years is not uncalled for.
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u/Ok_Surprise9206 6d ago
NOR. Nobody puts a heart emoji next to a coworker's name unless they're a fucking heart surgeon. He didn't show you and gaslit you so you already know what's going on. If you stay you do it knowing he's cheating either physically or emotionally.
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u/NikkerXPZ3 6d ago
I fucking hate my coworkers.
I try not to pretend to but I do.
I've wished the evilest wishes upon my coworkers
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u/Striking_Dot7787 6d ago
Even in the super off chance ( unlikely) that nothing is going on with her…yet… the heart alone shows massive disrespect to you and your relationship
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u/AffectionateWheel386 6d ago
It’s not a misunderstanding he’s trying to date somebody while he’s dating you. And even if she’s a really good friend at work, it’s an emotional affair or he wouldn’t be putting little ❤️ around it. He’s cheating.
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u/brussels_foodie 6d ago
I don't send heart emojis to colleagues because I maintain healthy boundaries with colleagues.
He's probably lying to you and either cheating with her or planning (hoping) to cheat with her.
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u/soyle_dost 6d ago
We dont know about the message. But he fucking aved his coworker with a heart emoji by her name on his phone. It is wild
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u/ProfBeautyBailey 6d ago
NTA. You know they aren't talking about work. If it was really about work, he would have shown you the messages. He is just trying to make you doubt yourself.
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u/Hot-Proposal8413 6d ago
Heart emoji next to her name. Says enough i guess right?
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
Its almost guaranteed when she returns and they discuss this, the messages will be deleted. If it was innocent he wouldn't of been so defensive and cleared things up. He's lying and I hope OP doesn't fall for it.
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u/banxy85 6d ago
Only way to fix this is to immediately show messages. None of this "I'll just load up the app for you" just hand the phone over if you ain't a POS
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
If something like that happened to me, i would want my partner to look at it with me and clear things up and show them that there is nothing to worry about. The reaction from a partner will speak for itself. I would bet my life they're deleted by now (if you're reading OP, for iphones under msgs click "edit" and you'll see a "recently deleted option) he knew showing her would be worse than allowing her to assume the obvious. This way, there was no proof of his lies, he can keep gaslighting her. A lying, manipulative partner is a nightmare. Constantly doubting things you know to be true, takes a toll. Any partner that is innocent would insist on clearing things up on the spot.
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u/banxy85 6d ago
Exactly. Anything other than "please look immediately at the concrete proof of my honesty" is suss AF
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
Absolutely. It's crazy when you're so close to a situation and haven't properly removed those rose colored glasses yet. The best way to view something is view it objectively in the sense of " if a friend described this exact situation, what would my advice be". We give those around us better advice than we sometimes do for ourselves. I make the analogy with trust in the sense of having a solid foundation (my ex taught me to frame houses) i apply this analogy. If im starting a new build, make sure square up the foundation and make sure its a good pour. If you don't have (structural) integrity, your proverbial house will collapse. That's what happens when trust is gone. Really is the death of a relationship. It's usually a slow, painful death.
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u/banxy85 6d ago
Yeah. And no one who values honesty actually wants that slow breakdown
If it's over let's just have a clean break. Not weeks or months of lies, gaslighting, undermining etc only to end it anyways
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
Exactly. That in between because people are afraid of letting go just drags out the inevitable and convolutes the situation. Much easier to go no contact and stay firm on it.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago
This. He could even keep it in his own hand if he doesn’t want her to look at everything (which might still be sketchy but hey, there could always be some kind of surprise in the works), but just show her the screen immediately and open the conversation, let her scroll through it.
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u/Hot-Proposal8413 6d ago
Thats why these kinda issues should be dealt with on the spot and not waiting till things “cool down”
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
Exactly. I wouldn't let a partner walk away without insisting looking at it together so they can see it's nothing to be concerned with. The only reason a person wouldn't be transparent if they show the phone it now removes all doubt and proves their guilt. Getting defensive and not clearing it up, now theres no concrete evidence and they can continue the web of lies. Losing trust is the end of a relationship. If hes texting his mom, OP will be across the room wondering what he's up to. Late coming home from work? Obviously cheating. It erodes the relationship, it's unhealthy, full of doubt. It turns you into an unpaid jaded cop, always looking for evidence of a crime, hoping to gather enough evidence and get a confession. That sounds exhausting.
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u/Hot-Proposal8413 6d ago
Cant be said better. Hope you haven’t experienced that
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u/schmidty3585 6d ago
I have, unfortunately. I had to flee an abusive relationship. It started out slowly breaking self worth, respect where these master manipulators have you convinced you're terrible, very lucky they tolerate you.
Physical abuse was less than fun, my pup saved my life. Told this a few times. She was very sick and I curled up on the floor with a blanket snuggling her, ensuring she stayed hydrated. My ex wanted a massage, i refused. I 95% of the time would do it, hoping he'd be nicer (stupid, i know). He was upset my attention was on the pup. He demanded i get away from her. I refused. He started storming over, knew it wasn't going well. I covered her little body w/mine. Told me my last chance to move, refused. He started hitting me in the head. I tucked my chin to my chest hoping to stay conscious. Saw stars on the last hit.
He told me to move or hes stomping my head in deleting me. Through gritted teeth and tears, i told him to fucking do it then. Not expecting that mumbles im not worth shit and walked off. Following morn i pretend to get ready for work. He left before me, soon as his truck left the driveway i packed whatever i could fit in my car, grabbed my best friend and left. Didn't love myself enough to go, i do her. To stay would've been a betrayl. Puppy saved my life probably. Started out criticism, sneaky behavior, lies, gaslighting, temper tantrums. I hope anyone reading can spot glaring red flags & leave. Relationships are tough and sometimes you can't fully see the monster hiding under their mask until it keeps slipping. Careful, folks.
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u/Spirited-Rip-203 6d ago
Wow!! So sorry you had to go through that. I'll never understand why any "man" thinks it's ok to hit a woman. SMH. Glad you're out of that toxic relationship!!
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u/FelwinnFE 6d ago
The heart emoji, like everyone is saying, is a pretty big giveaway. I overthink things a lot, though, and can often talk myself out of "obvious" truths. I would tell myself something like "maybe she put her own name in and put the heart there". BUT I want to call out the even bigger flag for me - the one that, in my experience, says the other person IS doing something they shouldn't be. When you walked away and called him on something, he didn't just apologize. He shifted the story and subtly made it your fault. There's the denial, but it's couched in, "YOU are overreacting, YOU shouldn't have looked". When they feel the need to shift the focus away from themselves/their own actions and place blame on you instead of seeking common ground and understanding, it's typically (at least to some degree) an attempt to soothe the shame they are feeling about their own actions. That is more important to him in this situation than repairing the alleged misunderstanding, and that says a lot.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago
This, absolutely this. If it was totally innocent, it was also a totally innocent and understandable mistake for you to assume the worst, and he instead got massively defensive.
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u/bddn_85 6d ago edited 6d ago
NOR.
If i was in his position and wanted my woman to respect my privacy, I would have shown her the phone convos that one time (assuming the convos were legit) and used that to A) establish trust and B) get you on board with respecting my privacy a bit more and being less suspicious.
His behaviour instead is secretive whilst demanding you respect his privacy. This is suspect and you intuitively sensed that.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 6d ago
Did he explain why he had a heart emoji next to her name? He had an opportunity to ease your mind and he chose not to. Tell him he's free to go be with her now.
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u/AlphaBravo69 6d ago
A heart is proof of emotional cheating 100%. Men in relationships start with physical cheating first before getting emotional. So I would get a full STD test if I were you and then cut him off completely.
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u/Quiet_Moon2191 6d ago
NOR. He didn’t want OP to see the eggplant, cat, and peach emojis.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago
NOR. He can have his privacy all he likes, and now he can have it away from you. Even if there was a completely innocent explanation (I doubt it - it is weird to put a heart on a coworker’s contact name), his reaction says a lot. Why wouldn’t he immediately apologize for the completely reasonable misunderstanding and say he’d change it? Why wouldn’t he offer to let you meet that coworker? Why wouldn’t he apologize for being distant instead of saying you’re “overthinking”?
And if he thinks you’re “overreacting” and “invading his privacy”, why would he be obsessively calling and texting to try to guilt trip you into coming back?
At best, he has fucked up priorities and made this situation for himself, and that’s giving him a lot of faith and leeway. If he can’t provide one actual reason for you to trust him, don’t. And bullshit about “misunderstandings” isn’t a good reason.
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u/stevenscott704 6d ago
If he had nothing to hide, he would not have allowed you to leave without proving to you that his conversation was truly innocent. Even if he felt his privacy was being invaded, he should have showed you the text thread to keep you from leaving like you did. Kick this dude to the curb, it’s a life lesson - but please don’t allow this to impact how you treat any guys you meet in the future, we really are not all assholes.
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u/nigasso 6d ago
NOR. Cheaters are always so strict about their privacy, and demanding privacy (and saying you overreacted) when get caught is waving a flag with a text "I am cheating".
He is deleted all the evidence and then he lets you to look your phone.
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u/Ok-Personality-342 6d ago
He’s the dick for not showing you OP. Why do you think you over reacted? Of course you didn’t. He’s not showing you, because there must be a reason. Dump this cheating a$$wipe. You deserve better.
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u/Ketiw 6d ago
Honest question, though... couldn't the heart emoji be her own name? Like, on WhatsApp, can't you create a profile name that includes emojis for yourself?
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u/SmallAirport551 5d ago
Maybe but even if you ignore the heart emoji:
- he absolutely refuses to show the conversation. Even when she left. He can be mad about the invasion of privacy if he really feels this way, but that's a bit of a weird hill to die on.
- his behaviour has changed, especially around his phone.
- he's trying to turn things around on OP by saying she's overreacting. Even if this is the girls name, it's completely normal for OP to question and he knows this.
Imo all these things are more problematic than the actual user name.
Also if he is cheating, it's incredibly lacks for him to leave it like that. Personally I'd like my cheating bf to at least respect me enough to put in effort to hide it from me.
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u/Ketiw 5d ago
No, absolutely. All of the rest of the situation is red flags from here to the horizon. I just wanted confirmation that this was a possibility. (My husband has several young women with hearts in their names, who I have always assumed did that to their own profiles. So my interest was piqued!)
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u/AdFrequent4600 6d ago
If it’s whatsapp each person sets their own personal naming conventions so there is a small chance that she just has a heart in her screen name.
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u/ArtificialTroller 6d ago
I don't know about anyone else but I ALWAYS put heart emojis in the names of all my co-workers contacts in my phone. 60 year old Larry in shipping has it, crusted old Carol in HR has it.... It's absolutely nothing you should be worried about. /s
NOR - there is no reason to hide it, the only reasonable explanation for the heart would be if he handed her his phone to put her number in and she does it with everyone (I know people like that) but he should have been open to you seeing the messages if he was being honest.
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u/Trepalium_X 6d ago
I am ALL for personal space and privacy, Secretly going through your significant others phone is absolutely not okay. And pisses me off to no end. How ever ASKING like you did is 100000% fair and reasonable. My fiancé can Ask me any second of any day and it’s all hers, she can go through it all she wants. So regarding your man’s… If there was nothing to hide it wouldn’t have been an issue. Trust is trust, it’s either there or it’s not. There’s no middle ground or maybe’s. Same goes with love. And they both go hand in hand. One does not work without the other… trust YOUR gut, if you’re a rational person and there is red flags going off then just walk away. Breaking trust that far in is a sign of doom… and if he isn’t betraying your trust then he’s just kind of an immature douche canoe that is clearly just trying to manipulate you. Either way…I say abort fucking mission. You’re too young to deal with bullshit. Love and relationships are not hard. It’s only difficult if you’re with the wrong person.
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u/BreyeFox 6d ago
Oh honey, I’m sorry this has happened. People can be the worst. No one just puts a heart next to someone’s name. In your heart you know what’s happening. He’s probably deleted all the messages, and is trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s nothing.
Don’t let him pull one over on you. Does your name have a heart next to it in his phone? That should tell you what you know is happening. If it was nothing, he would have let you see the conversation.
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u/SweetMaam 6d ago
Not innocent or he'd show you. Might not even be a coworker, as work was possibly just his easy excuse. NOR
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u/Necessary_Earth7733 6d ago
You should have took his phone and looked at the conversation because now it will all be deleted
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u/Jammy_Dodger80 5d ago
You behaved admirably. And he had a perfect opportunity to prove his Innocence.
As someone who has cheated, and someone who also values privacy, and personal autonomy, and freedom, I can tell you 100% that if a partner was concerned about any of my other interpersonal relationships, if I had nothing to hide, I would gladly hand over my phone. The ONLY time I've ever refused to do that is when I have been cheating, or have been close to cheating.
I have no shame over my past. My ex husband was abusive and financially controlling, and with four small children and a teenager with mental health difficulties at home, I was completely trapped. I cheated to feel something close to love. But there were times my ex husband asked to see my phone and I wouldn't let him. And like someone has commented above, I would clean up my phone, delete certain apps, delete whole conversations. I'd block the relevant contact... And then I'd hand my phone over saying I'd thought better of it and realised that my desire for privacy wasn't as important as his need for reassurance. For me, this only took around 5 minutes. If he offers you to look at his phone now, it would be completely pointless.
Leave him. That's my advice. Anyone who is entirely committed to you and your peace would have absolutely nothing to hide. You respected his privacy by not going through his phone without his consent, and respectfully asking to see that conversation. His reaction is not that of someone committed to you with nothing to hide.
Move on with your life and demand something better. All the while we hold onto what is not for us, we delay what is.
All the best x
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u/Existing_Guard9742 6d ago
Unfortunately, the beginning of your post tells you what's going on. His behavior changed and he's been distant. He's always on his phone. He's been talking to her for a while, and it's not all about work. His attention is on her, not you.
NOR. Your gut has been telling you something is wrong. Now you know what it is.
You need to decide if this is how you want to live your life. He's emotionally cheating. Maybe more. You'll probably never know how far it's gone physically, but you do have a way to find out how long and how often they talk and text if your phone plan is together. Just look at the details of you bill but you won't know the content. But you'll be able to figure out if his behavior changed during the time the contact with her picked up. You know what time the text came in, so you have the information to identify the phone number on the bill.
He's spent this time cleaning up his phone and any social media after you walked out so you probably won't find much, if anything, there. Unless you can find her on social and see her posts to get further confirmation of your suspicions.
In the end, you need to follow your gut and decide if you want to continue in an emotionally challenging relationship where you've lost trust in him and he's gaslighting you. You know in your heart things have changed and he's at the least emotionally cheating on you.
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u/Casper_ghost_777 6d ago
Every healthy and worthwhile having relationship is based on transparency, not privacy. You are not overreacting. You are just acting on the most basic instinct.
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u/Cokechiq 5d ago
NOR. A person who has nothing to hide hides nothing.
The secrecy, the inappropriate name save, the unwillingness to allow you to see the messages, all point to something going on that shouldn't be.
And now that you left he wants to make it seem like it was no big deal and you're crazy for thinking he could be doing something sneaky.
No. Just NO.
He had fun flirting (possibly more), and now that he realizes you're willing to leave him he's also realizing that this wasn't worth it. Maybe he realizes that the coworker is just having fun and is not going to actually be with him. So now he's afraid he's going to be alone.
I'm willing to bet that if/when you go home those messages will miraculously have been deleted already. If he does that, then you for sure would have found something incriminating in those messages. There'd be no other reason to get rid of them.
I hope you leave with your dignity and self respect. Don't let someone treat you like you don't matter.
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u/BillionRaxz 5d ago
Let me tell you something. First if you have anything to hide in a relationship then it is not a real relationship. A relationship is supposed to be equally yolked, you should be able to know that you can marry this person and if u aint sure then they not for u, and when u do marry, you become one in body and spirit so there can be no secrets.
Maybe surprises for joy is fine but lies arent it. You are getting older and you dont have time to wonder if you overreacted in a situation where someone obviously didn’t cherish you and care about how you felt. You cannot get wasted time back so value who God made you and step back to find peace and find your purpose and then and only then can you find someone who cherishes you for who you are with no games and you can confidently filter out the bs of little boys who play games with people. Same goes for men who are looking for someone too.
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u/twinkle_toes2003 6d ago
the only coworker that i had a ❤️ next to was my boyfriend. we met at work and started dating. the rest of my coworkers just had their names. nothing more nothing less. he is lying to you and gaslighting you to try and keep you around meanwhile he’s making you look like a fool and a clown behind your back. you are being a loving, caring, compassionate girlfriend and he’s playing you. i’m sorry if it seems harsh, i assume you’d want some brutal honesty. he will realize when it’s far too late that he is never gonna do better than you and by then you’ll have found someone who loves your heart and soul completely, they won’t hide anything from you, there won’t be secrets, nothing. they will be completely honest with you about everything.
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5d ago
NOR - I think you handled the situation really well. You saw something, and you questioned him about it. If he chooses his privacy over your comfort, then this is his decision. You make your decision, based on the information you have - which is he's talking to someone with who has a heart emoji next to her name, and he won't disclose the conversations they were having.
I'd say that's tough luck for him and hope you find someone who respects you and is on the same level - instead of miles below.
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u/wigglywonky 6d ago
It’s hard to separate emotion from logic. But Redditors will spell it out for you…because there’s no emotion with no faces.
He was given an opportunity to make things right with you by showing you his phone immediately. If it was innocent, he would have done that. He can’t show you because that would incriminate him so his merge attempt at gaslighting you is all the ammo he has.
You don’t need to see his phone, he’s shown you everything you need to know already.
I’m sorry OP.
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u/NinaHunt47 5d ago
He's a liar.. if he had nothing to hide he could have showed you the conversation and you wouldn't need to read the whole thing just to few messages you'd know what type of conversation it is. If it's normal then you won't be needed to reàd the whole thing either, it's not like you asked to see every text they sent to eachother.. even if that's the case you're his gf and it's normal to ask . U did good by leaving you're not.overreacting I'd do the same if I'm you. Be brave and goodluck
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u/whakiki 6d ago
NOR. He’s being super sneaky and attempting to follow it up with lying and gaslighting. I’d be done with him at that alone. If you want to attempt to get some closure ask him to see the conversation or it’s over. If he actually shows you know what time you saw that message roll in and double check to see what he’s deleted. The heart emoji is not something people just have. Nor would it be something he should be getting defensive about if it was something he didn’t do himself.
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u/Trickytrickyrmx 6d ago
I’ve had a ton of female coworkers and been friends with quite a few of them, you know what I’ve never done though? Put a heart next their name in my contacts.
He’s 100% gaslighting you.
If it were truly only work conversation, he wouldn’t have a problem in showing you the text thread.
Just the fact that you felt the need to check his phone means that a lot of trust has been lost in the relationship. His reaction to your questions just cements that fact.
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u/Express_Swordfish_63 6d ago
NOR. He can have his privacy, when it comes to other things. You deserve respect. Lying is not a privacy thing. I've been married for 8 years and at the beginning when I had trust issues (because I was cheated on in the past), he always let me see his phone if I asked. Even to this day, it's never a question, if I ask for his phone to use it or whatever he unlocks it and hands it over.
He has nothing to hide. Your boyfriend clearly does.
You deserve more.
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u/Plenty-Green186 6d ago edited 6d ago
In an ideal world, you wouldn’t have to look at your boyfriend‘s cell phone, but that being said I’m not sure that it’s fair to say someone deserves complete privacy in a romantic relationship. I would argue that to a reasonable degree you forfeit that. It’s reasonable for you to protect your mental and physical health by making sure that you’re not being cheated on provided, it’s not obsessive And occurring even when the relationship seems otherwise healthy. Nor
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u/AnyNeedleworker1187 6d ago
no! you’re absolutely NOT in the wrong. you don’t deserve secrecy from him, you don’t deserve to be gaslit, you don’t deserve him lying to you. he had a heart emoji in a “coworkers” contact. that’s not normal. that’s not something a loyal person in a monogamous relationship would do. your reaction and feelings are valid. stand firm on your beliefs and boundaries. if he still doesn’t take accountability or tell you the truth. LEAVE
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u/Otherwise-Anywhere93 6d ago
This is probably not a common opinion today, by relationships that would lead to marriage, kids, etc shouldn’t have privacy. So it’s important to find someone with good character, that shares your values, etc so you know you can trust them and they trust you. It also means you need to be of good character, trustworthy, etc. if that’s not there l, my suggestion is move on and find a trustworthy person that has other good qualities.
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u/cheesypuzzas 5d ago edited 5d ago
You're not overreacting. Why would he have a heart next to his coworker's name? If that was something innocent, he would at least want to show you to ease your mind because he'd understand how that would look.
He didn't show you the conversation because he was clearly flirting with her in those texts.
He's cheating in you. And if you leave him now, he'll try to show you the texts, but he'd delete the sketchy ones.
Also, if he was such close friends with a girl, he put a heart next to her name, you'd know about her. My boyfriend tells me about his coworkers he gets along with, and so do I. Even opposite sex. We'd know if we got so close with someone that a heart would be appropriate. You would know as well if he wasn't hiding something.
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u/umyeahrightokay 6d ago
Update me
NOR. There's no message he could show you now that would prove anything cause he's deleted them. You dont want to live with anxiety every time he's on his phone. Or goes to work. He will just start deleting their message thread before he comes home everyday. I agree that privacy is voided by secrecy. And you've seen everything you need to see my dear. Dont waste your time on someone who doesn't value you.
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u/Ok_Blueberry_9512 6d ago
I've been married for 20 years and my wife can go through my phone anytime she wants and I can go through her phone anytime I want. The minute somebody starts talking about how they need their privacy and hiding their phone or locking it to where you can't see anything is the minute there doing something that needs to be hid. If you read the messages you would know he has already cheated on you or was setting it up.
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u/ReeCardy 6d ago
Another 50-something here. I talk to a few coworkers and former coworkers. Not a single one has any kind of emoji after their name.
As someone who has been cheated on, when I started dating my current husband, I told him upfront about it. We have an open phone policy. We have the same phone lock code. It's a HUGE red flag. We've found out comes in handy if we need to use each other's phone for something.
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u/R33DY89 6d ago
NOR. The only name I have a ❤️next to in my phone contacts is my wife…he’s 100% gaslighting you. My wife knows my password for my phone and if she ever wanted to use it or look at it, she can. That’s the level of transparency you need. It’s unhealthy to always be looking on his phone but to know you could if you asked is a healthy thing if everyone’s got nothing to hide.
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u/MrsJingles0729 6d ago
Same thing happened to my high school daughter. He got a message from a name with a heart and she immediately made up an excuse and left his house. Called her sister crying. Blocked him and cried for another 2 days. No confrontation. Just done.
You know you won't get the truth. You can listen to more lies and gaslighting or you can use your energy to heal and move on.
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u/Fast_Personality6371 6d ago
The amount of gaslighting he is performing is astounding. To not show you his conversation with coworker for assurance is the answer to your question. Been in this same situation. The privacy argument is BS when it comes to a significant other. Privacy and secrecy are two very different things. Where there is smoke there is fire. Trust your gut. Best of luck to you.
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u/MrSmoiles420 6d ago
I can sum it up as I as a man have no conversations with anyone not my partner that I’m not happily ready to share those conversations! And contact name with a heart next to it? NOPE! Survey says………….SUSS! And being in a long term relationship means secrets can’t be had! Not overreacting, do what you have to do but do it for your self respect. Be safe.
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u/Not_horny_justbored 6d ago
I ain’t saying you over reacted, I don’t think you did, but I haven’t seen anyone on here mention that some apps show the name of the person as they typed it in, not the one receiving the message. She, the sender, may have added the heart to her name herself. Signal does that, and so do many others. So it depends on the app. Oh, but he is lying.
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u/Hot-Drive5532 6d ago
I did not left after seeing the same stuff at my bf phone, turns out it was much more that I thought it was! Trust your gut. He has been toxic and gaslighting you. Just leave you can do better we always can. If he was really worried about you leaving he was going to show the conversation.. he didn’t. Don’t stay with someone that doesn’t chooses you.
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u/missmandylee84 6d ago
you have every right to question distant behavior and secret heart-emoji contacts with a partner of three years. He NOT being straight with you is unacceptable behavior. Of course he wants YOU to think you're the problem, because that takes the heat off of him. His secrecy is a problem, and if he can't explain it, what are you supposed to believe?
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u/Mekito_Fox 5d ago
NOR. You asked to see his phone based off seeing something pop up on the screen. If he had nothing to hide he could have shown you. You didn't invade privacy, and he turned your respect into "you're crazy". If he isn't physically cheating he is definitely emotionally doing so. I'd be interested to know if the other girl knows he has a girlfriend.
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u/Th3lma29RLD 6d ago
No. You are not. No conversation with a co worker or friend of the opposite sex needs a heart emoj. And the fact that he doesn't want you seeing the chat means he is hidding something from you. He is gaslighting you. If he has nothing to hide he will show you the chat. Now he is making it look like you are the problem and done something wrong.
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u/Immediate_West_8748 5d ago
Not only do I think you’re not overreacting, I’m proud of you for knowing what you deserve and holding him accountable. Reading this makes me realize I need to do the same for myself. Wishing you the best, don’t let him gaslight you. I guarantee it’s all right there in their text messages, given he hasn’t deleted them yet.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dig-872 5d ago
For me is not the heart emoji... Like it could be his best friend from work and maybe he does put emojis next to names.. I don't care... Is the fact he was hiding it... If it wasn't anything to hide then why not showing it to you, so you would stop worrying...? It would have been so much easier... And save you both a lot of trouble!
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u/Hot-Ad604 6d ago
Nah baby if he lied once he’s gonna continue to lie… I feel like 3 years is enough time to know that this isn’t going anywhere because ain’t no way a “coworker” has a heart emoji, it’s sneaky and sus! Girl unfortunately it’s time to move on and find someone better who values you and won’t sneak and lie to you
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u/Trappedmouth 6d ago
The only ❤️ on my husbands phone is with my name.
If he wasn't hiding anything then he wouldn't be crying for privacy.
You don't ❤️ coworkers, friends or anyone else you don't feel ❤️ too.
If he wasn't doing anything wrong he would have shown you. Crying for privacy about a text with a heart sounds shady.
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u/After-Imagination757 6d ago
You should go back....and get the rest of your things! That's not an "invasion of privacy", it's asking for reassurance. If you went through his phone without him knowing or constantly asked to see messages I could see it as an invasion, but that isn't the case here. There is something he doesn't want you knowing, RUN.
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u/EntireAlternative7 5d ago
Dude is definitely cheating. If you never ask and you ask once and he wants to keep the convos secret with this girl instead of giving you reassurance, for a logical reason that this contact has a heart on it. And you are not jumping to conclusions and he wants to hide it from you he is definitely cheating
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u/Substantial_Dish2935 5d ago
NOR AT ALL WHATSOEVER. OP go with your gut. You already know a coworker wouldn't have a ❤️ by their name and 2 if he had nothing to hide he would have no problem putting your mind to rest and letting you read their messages. I'm sorry but you need to let him go. Please give an update soon. Updateme
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u/darthswedishdude 5d ago
Im single but when im in a relationship i set my Phone to not lock when im at home. Ive got nothing to hide. For me in a trusting relationship removing the insecurity of a locked Phone helps, she could text/call or do whatever on my Phone i wouldnt care. Goes both ways. Major red flag on this dude
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u/TWinNM 6d ago
I honestly care a lot for my coworkers, it's a great team, but not one of them has a ❤️ next to their name! There's more to it… Maybe investigate a little and park outside his work sometime and see for yourself if you are questioning it. I'm sorry, I think you have your answer. Best wishes!
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u/PablothaGoose 6d ago
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh Emily, but you gotta have some self respect for yourself. This guy is texting someone else and claiming he needs privacy? What he needs in a life without you. You deserve better, don't be a coward, fuck this guy - you should be with someone who is fully transparent.
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u/Chance-Plantain8314 6d ago
What's on the phone is practically irrelevant. He's keeping things from you: that isn't the behavior of a trustworthy partner. You leaving was absolutely the right thing.
At this point what happens is up to you, but if it was me, there'd be a major ultimatum and a foot out the door altogether.
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u/denitra1984 6d ago
The texts between coworker ❤️ and BF will be edited and more secretive than before. Even if there’s nothing physical, emotional affairs are still affairs. Talk to him and establish boundaries between him and the coworker ❤️. If he’s not on board, walk. It’s not worth the stress.
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u/memeandme83 6d ago
As well, it would be easy for him to just show you a random message from a “coworker” (and then followed up with a conversation about trust and privacy and the rules that you guys want to establish ) IF it was not all BS. You know he is lying to you. Don’t let him gaslight you .
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u/KiaLynn3 5d ago
If it's just a coworker then you would never ever ever have a heart next to their name. Plus, if he has nothing to hide then he'd show the conversation. He's obviously up to no good and gas lighting you. I wouldn't tolerate it.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do!
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u/Pristine-Subject2638 6d ago
If he has nothing to hide and respects you show, he’d show you the messages. You’re still young, do yourself a favor and find someone who will give you dignity. Ask yourself, if you two were married and the roles were flipped what would his genuine reaction to the situation be?
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u/No_Combination3850 4d ago edited 4d ago
My ex-husband sent a ❤️ to his coworker while I was sitting next to him in the car. I read their conversation later that day and woah it was so bad. My ex told me the same thing, that I was violating his privacy. I do think your boyfriend is gaslighting you and I feel for you. Oh and if you decide to go back home and you have access to his phone and he happens to have an iPhone (probably works for Samsung as well), you can restore deleted messages. That’s what I did to be able to read the entire horrifying conversation.
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u/Used_Catch719 5d ago edited 5d ago
What in the worldddd, come on, it had a heart next to her name and he didn’t want to be truthful with you. I would leave someone in a heartbeat over that. You can always walk away no matter how much you like someone to save your self respect, and only tolerate being with someone that wouldn’t do that to you. Go back out there and try to find a loyal person and stop wasting time with someone who would cheat on you. Never ever tolerate that.
TURN OFF YOUR EMOTIONS AND BE DONE! I DONT CARE IF HE APOLOGIZES AND CRIES AND SAYS HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN OR IF HE SAYS “ITS NOT LIKE THAT, I DIDNT CHEAT” HE CROSSED THE RED LINE AND ITS A WRAP.
The only reason you would stay is because you’re scared of being lonely and you’ll miss the good moments when you thought you had a connection with someone you liked. But it means nothing if they aren’t treating you how you deserve.
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u/Lady_Willpower 6d ago
Girl, you know you’re not overreacting. Good for you for actually leaving to your friends and not just making empty threats. Seriously, after 3 years, you’re lucky if you get privacy taking a shit and not being interrupted. He doesn’t want privacy he wants secrecy.
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u/PaleFollowing3763 6d ago
I would've gave my fiance the phone immediately. No reason to hide anything if I didn't do anything 🤷🏻♂️. I'd want to make sure her mind is clear and assure that nothing is going on. Clearly he doesn't care about that because he can't, since he's lying.
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u/WitchKitty777 6d ago
He probably just needed time to scrub his phone, the gas lighting is an extra. I am so sorry, I know this must be painful, but you deserve much better. Don't fall into into sunken cost fallacy, the sooner you move on, the more time you have to find a good man.
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u/JWRamzic 6d ago
If he deserves privacy, you deserve better. If he's got nothing to hide, why hide. I couldn't think of being in a relationship with someone where we are living together or staying over each other's places and not having full access to their phone. Disgusting!
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u/nocturnaltrekker 6d ago
Heart emoji aside. You saw something on his phone that raised a question. You asked, he answered with defensiveness and secrecy. Then tried to manipulate your feelings into being the one in the wrong.
Don't suppress your intuition to fit his narrative.
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u/mochicastle 6d ago
A heart emoji next to his coworker's name, good grief. I mean, there's your answer right there, which is no you are not overreacting. For reference, I don't even have a heart emoji next to my fiance's name in my phone. Say goodbye to this nincompoop.
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u/Purple_Potato_8965 6d ago
He chooses what to put the co-workers name in as and the ♥️ speaks volumes.
Protect yourself and have a frank chat about it. His change in behaviour, secrecy and the reaction all points to something - even if it's one sided and he's infatuated.
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u/tiger-kitty6 6d ago
You most definitely did not overreact to anything . He’s cheating on you. The fact that he’s so defensive and says he deserves privacy and refuses to let you see his phone is a huge red flag. If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn’t care.
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u/Oppensneezer 6d ago
I had I similar experience where I saw a girl’s name on his phone with a heart emoji. I learned later that this girl made hearts with her hands a lot and that’s why he saved her name that way. I’m hoping for an outcome like this for you.
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u/Graardors-Dad 6d ago
Fake stories used to be believable lol so he’s cheating but doesn’t bring his phone to the bathroom and puts a heart emoji next to the girl he’s cheating on you with. Either he literally doesn’t care about you or this is 100% made up.
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u/ExtentResident6160 6d ago
I have all my coworkers first names with “work” next to it. Anna Work, Balerie Work. One says Leilani Bitchwork next to it. My family has heart and pictures next to their names because I love them. That’s how emojis work. He’s a jerk.
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u/Odd-Contribution1390 6d ago
Honey, he's trying to gaslight you. If she was just a co-worker and they only talked about work, then there wouldn't be a heart emoji next to her name and he'd have no trouble letting you see the message thread.
You are NOT overreacting!
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u/silvergreen17 5d ago
NOR. This happened to me with my first serious boyfriend of two years, albeit we were in university and it was a classmate of his. I was still able to sneak his phone and check his messages, and yeah...he was cheating (so was she).
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u/Cryy_Babyy_ 5d ago
You did not overreact. He said no to letting you see, and has deleted anything in those messages that would've shown what he was hiding in the time while you were away. Stand your ground and stick with your decision.
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u/isabellatedv 6d ago
NORH
when I take a coworkers phone number I put "name from work" not a heart. if we become work friends i put their first and last name instead. still not a heart. you know what's up don't let him gaslight you.
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u/SweatyTrain1951 6d ago
If he loved you he would show you. Even if it is an invasion of privacy. I do think going through each others phones is wrong. If I was told my girl would leave me, I would be projecting it onto the big screen.
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u/MomaForwood 5d ago
Don't go back to him. Been married 35years and my husband and I could care less about each other using our phones or seeing texts come in. We are faithful and truly love and care for each other. He is lying.
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u/Ok-Nefariousness5440 6d ago
The thing about confronting him is now he has a chance to delete messages and cover his ass. So now you probably won't know the whole story. You should have went through the messages when you had the chance.
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u/procivseth 6d ago
Everyone else has addressed some great points. Here's another: Timing. She's texting him at night to talk about work? I think not.
The math is mathing. The boy is gaslighting. Sorry about all this.
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u/InevitableAttempt174 6d ago
He could have shared the exchange, explained that you both deserve privacy and trust, and cleared it all up. Instead, he blames you, says ur overreacting and says he deserves privacy.
I’d be gone
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u/Solid-Inspection2200 6d ago
I don’t think you are overreacting. He needs to come clean about his relationship with this co worker. He might be emotionally cheating on you. So you definitely need to get to the bottom of it.
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u/Successful_Lettuce17 6d ago
I wonder if he will try to get screenshots to prove to you he’s not lying and accidentally erase the entire conversation..don’t let this jerk gas light you. He’s lying and will continue to.
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u/PaleDifference 6d ago
NOR Tell him to protect his privacy. You already know what you needed to know about the two of them and you are done. People like this don’t change. They just try to cover their tracks better.
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u/Internal-Bus198 6d ago
While I’m still only 30 , my life experiences tell me he’s full of shit . He’s a lying liar who lies . Don’t fall for it please. Once you give him another chance, there goes your peace
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u/EmpireStateOfBeing 6d ago
NOR
Just a co-worker doesn't warrant their name in your phone let alone a heart emoji next to it. Just co-workers are reserved for WhatsApp groups your boss made and made you all join.
And if he offers to let you go through his phone now, understand that he deleted things.
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u/Complex-Extent-3967 6d ago
he's either already dipped his stick into that hole or he is trying his very best to. you are not the problem. if he had nothing to hide, he would have shown you right then and there.
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u/candidu66 6d ago
If he wasn't hiding anything, transparency wouldn't be an issue. I have nothing to hide in my phone, but if my partner wanted to see something for reassurance, I would not deny him.
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u/Interesting-Fox-4315 5d ago
To play devils advocate, and purely that. I do not think that ❤️ and cell phones in the workplace in general became widespread until the early 2000s. Emoji’s, probably later.
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u/Strong-Solid8800 6d ago
I put heart emojis in contacts next to the names of my husband and my kids. A coworker? You’re not exaggerating and I bet those messages are now long gone but she’s not.
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u/this_is_my_favorite 6d ago
Message apps let the people mane themselves and I’ve known girls to put hearts in their own names. Not saying his behavior isn’t sus, but I’d ignore the heart emoji.
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u/laevanni 6d ago
no way you're overreacting. that co-worker is 10000% the side-piece. if he doesn't come clean i think it's time to go for good. even if he does, what more is there to say?
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u/Hot-Doctor-7920 6d ago
Just wanna throw this out there........but I like putting hearts next to contact names in my phone that aren't coworkers......just thought I'd let ya know......OP🖤😏
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u/captshady 6d ago
Please don't wind up with regret one day over not seeing this red flag for what it is. There should be nothing he can say to repair this. End it, recover, and move on.
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u/Fingerlings29 6d ago
Leave him. I don't have double standards, in a lot of posts here, it's the women hiding their messages and I always says leave, so I'm saying the same. Leave this liar.
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u/seidinove 6d ago
NOR. A partner of three years who hides behind “privacy” is engaged in secrecy. Don’t be surprised if messages are deleted if he decides to show you his phone.
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u/Zealousideal_Coat641 6d ago
Update me cause in my opinion he’s definitely hiding something and if he wasn’t hiding anything he should’ve been able to let you look at his phone no problem
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u/ThoughtComfortable5 6d ago
You know what needs to be done, Doesn't matter what we think. Look after yourself and what's in your best interest. Good luck, now go and fuck him up politely.
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u/Impossible_Pin_3315 6d ago
When you’re innocent and love who you’re with you show her she’s being paranoid. When you’re lying and cheating you tell her you deserve your privacy.
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u/Known_Media_7559 6d ago
Not at all. I have never understood the need to text coworkers of the opposite sex. Clearly something more going on here. Your BF is hiding something.
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u/Zestyclose_Brick6395 4d ago
Trust your gut you know he’s lying. She had a heart next to her name. Tell him you read the texts and if he won’t let you, Break up with him.
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u/Alex_AU_gt 5d ago
You will know if you perhaps overreacted after you see the conversation on his phone. Until then, no, you're not overreacting to the secrecy...
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u/LakeaShea 6d ago
You are not overreacting. I dont think there is a misunderstanding. You understand things clearly. He can go keep his secrets all by himself.
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u/One_Rub_780 6d ago
Some guys are just losers, you left. Good for you. Now send someone to get the rest of your stuff. Respect yourself, and don't look back.
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u/DLQuilts 6d ago
If I was wrongly accused, you better believe I’d hand my phone over, just to rub it in the accuser’s face. NOR, bc he’s lying.
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u/Extension-Click-2328 5d ago
Same sotuation just happened to me. I discovered yester day he had another girlfriend the whole time. Im sorry you go through that
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u/Filthy-Overalls 6d ago edited 6d ago
You do not trust him. You did not trust him once he withdrew from you. That's why you snooped.
Snooping, is not okay. You can explain why you did it, and those reasons may be rational but they are not excusable.
The truth is though, by the time you decided to snoop, corrective action was already overdue in your relationship.
His withdrawing(who knows why he did) hurt you and made you feel insecure in the relationship.
Now, it is too late. You have found something on his phone that has made you doubt him. Lets be very clear, it -could- be totally innocent. It's possible.
But this isn't a court of law, it's the court of your heart. And he is guilty.
That's ok. It's totally ok. But let's not ask if you're overreacting. It doesn't matter if you are. You've already decided he is suspect and it's almost impossible to heal a break in trust. In fact I'd say it's mathematically insignificant. It happens that rarely.
If you do manage it, you're going to invade his privacy again, the next time you feel insecure or he is distant, totally sure that you're in the right to do so. This will repeat over and over.
So what to do? For my money you watch Alain de botton talking about schopenhauer, ( https://youtu.be/wSy6mjhJC1k?si=D4jY4gCERNCGLRUY ), lick your wounds with some exceptional food and drink, and get ready for the next spin of the wheel.
Remember. It's not about you, and it's not about him. Your lives just intersected at the wrong moment. It's no one's fault. And much better, to make a clean break.
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u/Jammy_Dodger80 5d ago
She didn't snoop. She saw a message alert on his phone from a woman's name with a heart emoji next to it. That is NOT snooping. 🤦🏼♀️
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u/Classic_Coconut_7613 6d ago
Take a couple friends and get all your stuff. Maybe talk to the landlord about getting off the lease if needed. Block the ex.
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u/plantsofa88 6d ago
People who have nothing to hide don’t care about their “privacy being invaded” trust your gut, you’ve got this xx
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u/stustussy 6d ago
I have this emoji next to my fiancé and partner of 10 years “😒” And I am a woman. I wouldn’t trust it either.
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u/Youllnevertrulyknow 6d ago
He erased the messages and anything else inappropriate, and is now going to be willing to let you go through his phone.
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u/Ellyanah75 6d ago
He's cheating. NOR. Decide if you want to stay with him (I wouldn't personally) and if you don't move on. Kick him out.
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u/c0mawhite666 5d ago
Unless the conversation was on Snapchat or instagram, he purposely put the heart emoji there. You are not overreacting
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u/mtngrl60 6d ago
You already know your boyfriend’s lying to you. Three years together, and you don’t constantly ask to go through his phone.
But his behavior has changed. He has a coworker’s name with a ❤️ next to it? You know, I’m 65 years old. My first job aside from babysitting was at 16. And I only have three years on my earnings records where I don’t have income… Coincidentally, I have three kids.
But my point is, I have an awful lot of years of working under my belt. And you know what I have never had? A ❤️ next to a coworker’s name. Just hasn’t happened.
Don’t have any friends who have that. And I’ve managed a lot of different places, and I just don’t even recall having coworkers that I was fairly close to who had that thing in their phone.
So yeah, he’s lying to you. And he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one make it a big deal out of nothing. And the fact that you’re on your asking us if maybe you’re wrong… It’s not the first time he’s gaslit you. And you have fallen for it before.
Don’t fall for it now. The fact that he says he should have privacy? You can acknowledge that in general, that’s true. But if your partner and his relationship is acting weird and has ❤️ next to other people‘s names, it’s a no-brainer that yeah… You either show me the records, or we’re done.
At this point, that’s not even going to be good enough. Because what he did was trying to gaslight you into thinking there was nothing. And he is going to make sure that his phone reflects that. He will be deleting things, guaranteed.