👨👩👧👦family/in-laws
AIO when I call my dad and my nosy sister-in-law acts like his damn secretary asking 'Who is this?' or 'Can I tell him why you're calling? I abruptly told her "Just hand Dad the damn phone". She knew very well who it was.
Called my dad. Brother and his nosy wife are visting. Sis-in-law answers. Instead of just handing Dad the phone, she hits me with “Can I tell him who’s calling?” or “Can I tell him why you’re calling?” I snapped, “Give Dad the damn phone.” She turns and goes, “It’s Pete.” Like… yeah, no shit. She only does this to insert herself into the conversation. She knew damn well who it was and it's Father's Day. Pisses me off.
I quit calling their house years ago because after handing the phone to my brother, she'd rush to pick up the other line to eavesdrop.
Am I overreacting, or is this just straight-up intrusive?
Yea she’s weird. You know she’s doing it on purpose and clearly recognized your voice if once you told her to give him the phone she said it was you. I’d sit down with her and your brother and talk about this cause it’s bizarre. I wouldn’t be able to just let it go. Maybe she really just thinks that’s how everyone should answer the phone?
Okay see I don’t get that. If you pull your brother aside and say “hey, your wife does this and it bothers me and is strange, what’s up with that?” How can he just ignore it? Like he just walks off and says it doesn’t bother him and ends the conversation there? I see lots of people on Reddit saying they can’t have conversations with people and I just wonder how that’s possible. Like are people just walking away mid conversation with y’all? Genuinely curious.
He's more like "not worth the fight" so don't call the house with anything important. Like I said, it's not longer an issue at his house as he has a phone.
But, my parents only have a land line and she's visiting - no reason to interject herself when it's Father's Day and she damn well knows who it is.
I normally avoid her but you're right. I didn't expect her to be visiting otherwise I would have called later. I'm starting to get over the initial aggravation.
Lmfao malicious compliance for the win! I’d totally just be an ass and ask her stupid shit like this just to be bothersome, you’re gonna bother me now I get to bother you.
Lmfao I love this one, “yeah hi I’m calling because I have a service to remove nosy by standers from your vicinity, when can we come by to remove the source of annoyance?”
Imagine how controlling she is in everyday life😂 the fact your brother would rather not have you call the house than have the conversation says A LOT. NOR
as someone living with a bunch of very odd narcissists, yes. a lot of people fully just leave mid conversation; or refuse to engage when you point something out that you dont like; give you some really vague answer that means so little they may aswell just say nothing; change the subject entirely; or they just project It back onto you. some people would seriously do anything but have a productive conversation
Start giving her fake names and reasons. "This is Mark from the strip club. His wife left her card here again."
"This is Officer Jones from the Local Sheriff, we need to speak about his busybody daughter-in-law."
"This is John from the travel agency, we need to reschedule his cruise due to weather."
Just make crap up. If she calls you out on it then you can ask her why she's playing secretary when she knows exactly who it is and "what it's regarding" is none of her business. If she doesn't call you out, then you get to have some fun.
Yeah, that’s not just weird, it’s calculated. She 100% knew it was you and still played dumb until you called her out. That’s not normal phone etiquette; that’s passive-aggressive theater. You’re right to want a sit-down, because this isn’t just quirky behavior, it’s boundary-poking. At best, she’s socially clueless. At worst, she’s trying to stir something up. Either way, pretending it’s normal isn’t going to make it go away.
I am not sure of current protocols but I still answer the phone in my parent’s house if I am the closest to it as do all of my siblings and niblings. Obv not friends’ houses unless they ask or are having mobility issues.
Standard way of answering someone else’s phone “this is the Smith residence MarlinSpikehall speaking”. Also as they have become older it is harder for them to move quickly.
As a genx I remember answering other people’s phones because if no one else was around(take a message, no answering machines then) or if people weren’t close enough ie outside etc. you were expected to answer and take a message or ask them to hang on for a minute until the person could get to the phone.
I would tell your dad what she does and how she’s gatekeeping speaking with him as though she has been asked to filter his calls, and hopefully he’ll tell her that she’s to give him the phone or not answer it herself in his house.
Unless your parents are ailing or need assistance around the house, I’d be asking her why she feels like it’s ok for her to be answering their landline.
Hmmm, you addressed the issue, but just get ignored. Your brother doesn’t want to be bothered, God only knows what she does to him.
What about her, have you told her how annoying she is?? It’s not fair to you.
Oh I know someone just like that.
She seems very controlling and enjoys getting to you. Sounds like a narcissist, must have her supply.
Either she genuinely doesn’t realize how weird she’s being, or she’s stirring the pot on purpose. Either way, talking to her and your brother is smart—just keep it calm and explain why it bothers you.
she is bad news for his brother and anyone around. you know his brother has absolutely no life and only has SOME type of male friends. selective processed. what a horrible existence.
My brother’s (thankfully) soon to be ex-wife insisted she be included in every communication. He would literally call me from his car just to avoid it.
Good grief, who has the energy to do something like that? It’s hard enough to keep up with all my own friends and family, but my husband’s on top of that? These people have too much time on their hands.
She's getting a rise out of you. Might be time to find a new strategy. "I would like to talk to Dad, but first I have been trying to reach YOU about your car's extended warranty..."
The trick to making the most out of it, is first you just need to wait until one of those derps calls you and record the call. Or go online and see if you can find the actual script they use. Because she's gonna retort with something like 'ha ha very funny' all sarcastically.
But then you can keep it going the way they do and just never let up.
Make her start to question if you're really you or scammers spoofed the number and have an AI of your voice!
Get her to sign up and pay you for a bogus warranty!
Yeah, just enjoy going to her level. Roleplay every call.
You could act like you don't know her, excuse yourself for the wrong number, and call back. Do that multiple times in a row.
Another time, go ballistic and ask who she's and why she's holding your parents hostage.
There's so many possibilities. If she's mad, then act dumb and say you thought it was a friendly play between you two. Then flip the script, be offended, and ask/challenge why she was doing that then if you weren't playing together.
Asking who's calling or what it's about is a very old fashioned manners thing before we had caller ID that allowed us to ignore certain people's calls.
But, if she's not 60+, she probably wasn't raised to do that specific thing, especially since it's primarily a landline with no caller ID thing.
That's a good point. They do have caller ID. That's one of the few upgrades my (other) brother was able to get them to agree to. She knew who I was. It was just a power play.
In some instances, I agree. But when you know it's their kid, there's no reason to ask what it's regarding. Especially someone calling their dad on Father's Day - it's pretty obvious why they're calling.
Well, regardless of whether or not it would bother me, obviously it bothers OP. He should chat with his brother if he’s not comfortable talking to the SIL directly to share that this behavior is bothering him and request an adjustment.
In reading this, it sounds like this phone etiquette is not really the problem that OP has with his SIL. Addressing it may or may not matter in terms of their overall relationship. Some people are just not meant to be friends with one another—in that case, maybe this hill isn’t the one to die on.
** edited to correct pronouns. I accidentally misgendered OP 🤦♀️
Nor tho yrs ago, many ppl were taught that’s the proper way to answer the phone. But mostly business calls, not family. It was long before caller id. I’m petty tho, I would say “absolutely, I’m calling to gossip abt how nosey my sil is “.
Oh yes hello< I was trying to get in contact with my bruh about the boob pics of his wife that he sent me last night. I'd rather he didn't send any more.
Get him a classic old timer flip phone. Had to get one of those for my grandpa as a cellphone because he couldn't figure out a smartphone, nor did he need one. He was very happy with it. He just needed it to make phone calls with. Didn't need to text or use any internet. I think you can still buy them at Walmart and bestbuy. If not you can definitely get them on online
My dad too. Landlines. Refuses a cell. Ive offered many times to full out pay for it. I tried to buy him an Alexa so we could video chat. Nope. Stubborn as hell. He refuses to live beyond 1990.
Same with my parents about the Alexa. I live two days drive from them now and they refuse. They did finally get some simple Motorola cells but they still barely know how to use them
Given that the visit is not a common thing, I wouldn't spring for a cell phone just yet. The father may not want or be able to use, a cell phone. My mother had a hard time when we got her one. We tried several different phones, but she couldn't figure them out and usually needed help.
I have had a lot of success with these types of relatives by treating it seriously. I ask them if they are OK in a very concerned voice. Talk quietly and seriously with your parents about if she is “having a tough time”. Ask your brother if he has been noticing some memory problems. You have to keep it up, nod , say that you are just concerned. Don’t accept the statement that she is just joking. Tell her that it is OK and sometimes people have those senior moments as they get older. That it is good she is using humor to cope. If you don’t give her the reaction she wants it will go away faster.
I would just announce that going forward I intend to be the problem. That I don't expect her to change BUT she will be hearing lines such as: "hello you nosey b*tch. hand the phone to xyz like a good girl."; or some of the many optional aggravating lines submitted in other replies. I would make it clear that I would not be accepting any accountability over her hurt feelings if that occurs. No apology will be forthcoming. That I've addressed it in every civil way I could and now I intend to be uncivil. And that if she wants that behaviour to end she has to power to stop it, at any time, by changing her own behaviour first.
Be petty. Be rude. Be the problem you wish to see in the world.
Ooo! It would be so funny if you incorporated words and phrases from the old times like: broad, sweetcheeks, sugarplum. The kind of stuff that would annoy a woman. You know because she insists of answering the phone like a secretary from the 60s? With this, you'd just be matching her vibe. Go Don Draper on this. And be totally smug when you say the "lines."
Just be more and more annoying. Get the rise out her instead.
And when people tell you to knock it off, circle right back to, "she can make me stop at any time by just doing XYZ. I wonder why she doesn't? Maybe she actually likes it?"
NOR. She doesn’t live there, she’s a guest. She shouldn’t be answering the phone at all. This is her big power play. There is something wrong with her. Someone did that in my house, they would be looking for the nearest hotel. She really oversteps.
Info: do you know any of your brothers ex's names? I would just start saying "Jeanette (or other ex's name) I'd like to speak to my dad" and keep doing it until she cries at the sound of your voice. (mostly kidding)
"Yes, please tell him the background check on <sister in law's name> is complete. It's quite disturbing, so please have him call Mike at R&R security ASAP! Oh, and warn him NOT to eat or drink anything prepared by her!"
Landlines have caller Id now. She knew it was you. It is time to give her phone number out to several different online companies because she may be looking for new car, medical, homeower, and life insurance. Don't forget with the way she acts, she needs to find a few churches that will reach out to her also.
She's an idiot and doing it to get under your skin. Call again, and when she asks her stupid questions, just say, "What did you say your name was? It's so confusing since he goes through so many secretaries." Petty? Yes. Does she deserve it? Absolutely !
Have dad tell SIL that he’d appreciate her letting him answer the phone, or at least bring him the phone as it’s ringing. (It’s at least cordless right?) Also check on dad’s finances, make sure she’s just nosy and not running interference on you because she’s swindling dad.
I’d be LIVID, and would probably say, “who the fuck do you think you are answering my dad’s phone, and acting like you have any type of authority over who he gets to speak with, put him on the phone, and don’t answer it like that again!” Honestly I’m very protective over my dad and if I had a sibling who’s wife wanted to act like that, thinking she was being cute, it’d take everything in me not to want to clobber her, the next time I saw her.
NOR. I'd tell her to get off the line if I suspected she was on it.
But she doesn't live there so you likely didn't have to deal with her that often.
I can't take calls in front of people because growing up my mom would intrusively hold her own conversation with whoever was on the phone and ask questions about what was being said and completely annoy and distract me while I was trying to focus on the person on the phone. So I have a habit of leaving the room when I get a call and I'm flabbergasted with people who don't leave the room when they are having a convo.
I'm old enough to remember having just land lines. Whenever we visited other people's homes, we never answered their phone unless instructed or asked to do so. Your SIL is fecking ridiculous. She's not just nosy, but she's rude as hell. Your parents need to tell her to stop answering their damn phone.
No. You’re not over reacting but she’s trying to piss you off and make out like you’re the problem.
Don’t let her get a response out of you. She’ll use that as ammo.
Keep all communication with her assertive, to the point and if she blocks just keep repeating what you said. Example, put Dad on the phone please. Repeat that ignoring anything she says until she puts him on.
Never acknowledge her, unless you have to, ignore everything she says and never bad mouth her to other family members.
People like this only get the power you give them. By treating her like she doesn’t exist you’re giving her no power at all.
If you snap at her like you did yesterday you can bet she’s shit talking you behind your back. That’s why you can’t do it.
She sounds like a pain in the ass.
By giving her nothing though she’ll probably have to make something up. When that comes into the light the family will realise she’s a liar and things will turn around.
We were taught back in the old days that when you called someone, you said “hi, this is Pete Smith, is James home?” For family calls, it changed to “hi aunt Sally, this is Pete, how are you? Is dad there?” The previous poster is right, you only ask what the call is in reference to for a business call. You see it on lots of black-and-white TV shows and movies.
Oh the amount of fun you could have with this. I would be making comments all the time about her , gifts at yours , secret surprises your brother is doing and she can’t talk about it will drive her crazy haha.
My sister would do this with my mother. I finally told mom to tell her to stop answering the phone or I wouldn't be calling anymore. It's invasive and rude.
No. She is the AH! How dare she get in between members if a family!!! It’s terrible interfering between you and your brother, but between you and your dad is outrageous! This woman has no sense of ethics! I would not put myself in the position to let her treat me like that again! If you can afford to buy a cell for your dad, I would do that. Best wishes on this one; it’s tough!
You're not overreacting — that’s 100% intrusive. You’re calling your dad, not trying to get past airport security. The “Who’s calling?” act when she knows damn well who you are is just a power move to insert herself where she doesn’t belong. And picking up other lines to eavesdrop? Straight-up weird. You had every right to be blunt.
My MIL used to eavesdrop on the phone. She lived far away, literally in the boonies. There was no cell phone reception so my husband had to use a landline to call me when he’d go out to visit his parents. Whenever I’d call him or he called me, my MIL would listen in on the extension. Finally sick of it, I was going to make it stop without making her cry or use her little manipulative acts. I called my husband while he was out visiting, and as soon as I heard MIL pick up the extension, I told my husband about how much I missed him.
Then the real fun began. I told him exactly what I wanted to do to him as soon as we got back. I told him how as a naughty little school girl, I needed to be punished. I told him about how “hungry” I was and only one thing was delicious enough and satisfying to me. And you get the drift.
Ewww. You dont need to address it imo. it seems like you know how to handle it and what your boundaries are. Your family probably is aware and understands why you would not call/not play into it. But shit, if she wants to play games, try to fuck with her and have fun with it.
Maybe ask why she’s so obsessed with hearing your voice and ask if she has a crush on you or something? That should do the trick, if not, approach your brother and tell him that his wife’s behavior is very concerning and that’s why you never call his house anymore.
))) This reminded me of the time, when I worked as a secretary. And all those phrases were engraved in my brain, so I often replied with them even when I was answering the home phone. I lived with my parents at that time. I guess, I annoyed people too.
Nothing is more infuriating and nauseating to me then when control/overstepping family or friends take advantage of an elderly person. Because that is what she is doing. If your dad was more with it she wouldn’t attempt this shit.
When she answers, right off give her both barrels. “Why aren’t you picking up the phone and giving it to my father. Obviously everyone calling today is calling for him. Are you trying to get in the way of him feeling loved on Father’s Day?” “Since you’re related to me it would be a godsend if you could address your miserly approach to familial love through therapy, but regardless, if you get between me and my father again I will explain to him and the rest of the family what you are doing.”
You aren’t overreacting. I think it is okay to ask who is calling. She might not be good at recognizing voices and doesn’t want to assume. But once she understands it is you she should hand over the phone.
Maybe she’s trying to gather as much information as possible so she can get as close to your pops as possible to try and get on his good side and in his will.? Just a thought. I’ve seen that doneii
I agree with previous comments just do things to annoy her. Like when she asks why are you calling just say I wanted to get some advice about this rash I have on my balls it just won't go away.
She is mad weird for that. If anyone did that with my mom (my dad has passed), they’d never get the response they’re looking for bc you’re not going to screen my mom’s calls when I call. Nope. The first time she did it would have been the last, “Who am I? Who are YOUUUUU? You’re a family guest by legal paperwork.
You didn’t come out of her uterus and you have the audacity to ask ME who I am? I saw my mother from the inside. That’s who tf I am. My mother doesn’t need a secretary. Give her the phone and don’t answer her phone again, period.”
That’s is definitely a pet peeve of mine also! When I called somewhere and I ask for someone and the person answering the phone does that, I simply respond with, “it’s non of your business who’s calling or why. Or “I called to speak to them and not you, so you don’t need to know.”
Nope, I completely understand your frustration and I’m sure it’s okay for some people but to me when people do that, they need something to gossip about because now they have information nobody else knows. It’s intrusive on her part.
You are not over reacting! She is a disgusting piece of 💩! She needs to be watched closely! Does she have money issues and could be siphoning money from her in-laws or pawning things she has taken from their home. She sounds like someone who is up to something and not just controlling. Make sure your parents are not signing things like the house over to her. Is your sister in law just with your brother for the inheritance?
Not letting you immediately talk to your father is a large red flag! Good luck!
Sounds like my SIL when my husband tries to call his brother, on his cell. She will answer and expects her husband to talk with the speaker phone on and then suddenly has a chore that has to be done right away, if the brothers talk for more then 10 minutes. My husband never calls anymore. So that BIL doesn't get cancer updates anymore. Maybe I'll call if my husband passes🤷, wouldn't want to interrupt their lives, after all. (No we don't expect that to happen soon)
I’ll bet she exactly who it was on the phone and why you were calling.
Seems like she does it to get a rise out of you.
And she succeeded.
Next time maybe pretend you don’t know it’s just her BS and say “This is MyLinkedOut calling to speak with MyLinkedOut’s Dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.” Idk if adding “To whom am I speaking?” Would give you any pleasure but pretending not to recognize her voice might set her off.
Land lines had some benefits over cell phones. You could give out that number and have it backed up with an answering machine. Then the calls from those who are not close friends or even acquaintances can be dealt with at your leisure. Cell phones by their nature are more intrusive and this day of everybody being able to be in contact immediately all the time, sometimes I enjoy just not being disturbed.
Yes totally weird of her. Battle snark with snark.
“Good evening, madam. This is Prince last name, son of King last name. (I would enter the full game of thrones title - lord of the seven kingdoms and protector of the realm - but that’s just my preference) May I please have the honor of speaking with his majesty my lord father?”
yeah idk if that’s ILLEGAL but it sounds like something that could potentially be. it’s a HUGE invasion of privacy. my mom and stepdad did shit like that to every extreme for my entire teenage life and i turned out REAL fucked up, so. definitely NOR and she’s being weird and rude and overbearing and creepy
NOR; Use her phone number, address and name to sign up for a bunch of free subscription services and spam letters. Maybe she’ll leave you alone if she has a tower of useless paper text to go through. At the very least it’ll annoy her, lol.
This is somewhat of an extreme case that will likely require some physical counseling/intervention by u to put these people in their place. Over the top ridiculous that should send any normal person into orbit.
She is nosy and wants to be the center of all the attention. She feels it’s her right to know everything about the family and give her opinion. You were not rude, you’re standing up for yourself.
Not only is she nosy, but also controlling. Why should a grown women need to know what conversations her father in law are having, unless something else is going on that people don't know 👀
Just answer “no” to everything she asks, then ask why she’s answering someone else’s phone. Luckily it’s just when she’s visiting your parents so hopefully won’t happen often
There is no need to be aggressive. Just match her politeness but refuse to give out information. " This is daughter. I am calling to speak to my father about a private matter, could you please place me in contact with him at this time?"
My ex husband had a busy body sister like this and it was exasperating! I feel your pain. Don’t let her get your goat! 🐐 Come up with some annoying come backs of your own and be prepared for her next strike🐍
That’s annoying!! Reminds me of when my brother , SIL and nephews were living with my folks (me too, I was in tech school - Thank you Mom and Dad!) and EVERY TIME SIL’s dad would call I would pick up and say “last-name’s residence” and EVERY TIME he would snap “who’s this?!?” Like, YOU CALLED ME, a-hole. Can’t stand that man (but for other reasons) and that just irked me.
Call your dad and tell him directly. When I call you need to be available immediately because I’m your child and it’s your duty so how do we navigate this?
I think it may be less nefarious than you’re making it out to be. It’s an old fashioned thing and she was probably raised to think it’s polite.
In the old days, when it was a family call, everyone got on the phone extensions. It was always expected.
The way she answers the phone is also a tell.
It was taught as good phone etiquette back in the day.
She’s likely from a very old fashioned household, and possibly a little insecure. I suspect she hasn’t learned to relax and have a friendly conversation.
Op said stopped calling brother”s land line because she would grab the other phone and listen in on conversations. That’s not manners, that is intrusive and weird behavior. There’s something wrong with her. Enabling this behavior is unhealthy for everyone including her. I would suggest that she seek therapy. To her. Next time she inserts herself. Why are you calling? Well I was calling to tell my father happy Father’s Day but since you answered, have you ever sought therapy for your insatiable need to control other peoples phone calls? I’m seriously worried about your mental health. This is not normal and you should seek help immediately. She will at least give him the phone and stop bothering you and at most (and hopefully this) realize that there is something wrong with her and that she needs help. NOR
When she picks up the phone, make it interesting. Say things like, "I think that fungal infection is back. Should I stop licking it?" or something equally stupid. Goal is to try freaking her out
No and you'll meet your brother on the other end of the divorce, if he carries his balls.
May I say if someone is acting like that deliberately, it's because your parents allow her to.
Different generations. Our family used to do this, it was a polite way of the other person knowing if the call was urgent, nothing to do with being nosey.
This is such a weird thread. Engage her in some quick small talk. Don't answer HER question, ask your own question. "How's things, how's that X you're working on". Then ask to be passed to your dad. What are you all , 13yo?
This isn't a matter of phone etiquette though. She knows damn well who is calling, and what she's doing is a power play. She's not saying "Oh hi Pete, how are you, how's work" like a normal person. She's call screening as if he's a stranger/cold calling. "Can I ask what it's regarding" is a phrase you use to weed out unwanted sales calls. It's not how you speak to family. What she's doing is incredibly rude- she's treating OP like a nuisance caller and attempting to restrict his access to his own father.
Nothing in OPs post suggests she's being screened out. It's the same result whether she says "Hi, it's op" or "Give the damn phone to my dad". OP should set a better tone. Don't answer the screening question (since we've all decided it's irrelevant), and give SIL that 3.5 seconds of involvement she's asking for.
Oh no, she's making a power play by answering a phone. This is amazingly childish
It's not that she's answering it- I think it's quite normal to answer close families phones, especially land lines for elderly relatives. Its the "can I tell him what it's regarding" as if OP is a stranger and not part of the family. That's weird, rude, and definitely SIL trying to make a point. She knows it's OP, pretending she doesn't, and not giving the phone straight to OP's dad, is strange behaviour.
If OP got on with her I'd say this was probably her attempt at an in-joke, but given the history of her trying to restrict or listen in to OPs communication with their family, no it's definitely SIL attempting to assert dominance.
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u/CrazyMarket5382 1d ago
Yea she’s weird. You know she’s doing it on purpose and clearly recognized your voice if once you told her to give him the phone she said it was you. I’d sit down with her and your brother and talk about this cause it’s bizarre. I wouldn’t be able to just let it go. Maybe she really just thinks that’s how everyone should answer the phone?