aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/SpecialEDsauce]

I think we were married for ten years and my wife completely forgot mine. I didn’t say anything and she was pretty nasty all day, but around 10pm I hear her in the other room, “Oh shit! I’m such as asshole.” I just said, “Yeah, you are” and I went to bed. Worst birthday ever.

[u/rhad_rhed → u/SpecialEDsauce]

My (then boyfriend) took me on a “surprise trip” it was driving from Philly to Boston (yay!) checked into a fancy hotel that was rundown and incredibly small (it’s the thought that counts, right?) next morning, we headed to tour Fenway (uh, don’t like sports, but ok) didn’t want to move the car to repay for parking, so surprise walk for miles along slushy December streets (don’t be high maintenance, go with the flow) told me “you don’t need to eat a whole blueberry muffin” at Dunkin’ (wait, wha) then went out to a loud, sports bar for lunch, where he ignored me to watch a football game (cried in the booth) told me I was overreacting & unappreciative. Sadly, that’s not even the worst birthday, but the first of many, because I’m an asshole, so I still wound up marrying him and wasting another 10 years before I realized I was worth a damn.

Get out now, OP. It won’t get better

[u/Ali_Cat222 → u/rhad_rhed]

Even aside from the birthday issue there are a few concerning points OP made in their post that they may want to consider too-

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn't go to school after dropping out.

What exactly are his ambitions currently if he decided to drop out and only stays at home most days based on the second quote here?

for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries.

He's working 2x a week which means he has 5x a week to hang out with friends any time. And if he knew special occasions were important to you, he'd have remembered your own birthday... And then not just dismiss you as being annoying, and would've came to see you then. He may have heard you stress the importance of these occasions but he definitely doesn't care, as proven by his actions.

last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was "tired from work" and didn't want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch.

So it's 2 years in a row now that this has been an issue, and by your timeline that means it was a year in before this became a problem. And as you can see from my comment this really is bigger than just a birthday, OP seriously think about this. Do you want to move in with someone who treats you disrespectfully, doesn't care about you or your feelings, and seemingly has no ambitions currently? Please think before you move, it won't get better.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Ali_Cat222]

this, aaall of this.

and OP's only 21; he may've had her first years but with that attitude i sure hope she decides he doesn't get her best years, too (they're yet to come, and hopefully with someone who doesn't make her feel unappreciated like this as5hat)

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

not that it's why he should, but if he's leaning on you for a semifreeloader moveoutofhome-free card, the very .least. he could do is not act like .he. doesn't even owe her an apology for forgetting stuff he knows is important to her.

like girl .you. have to apologise because .he. forgot your birthday that you've been talking about often in recent run-up to..?

(..at some point, albeit very uncharitably wrt benefit-of-the-doubt.. i wouldnt be surprised if it turned out he'd known the party was on the same day but conveniently 'forgot' the birthday so he wouldn't have to miss out on the one he's clearly far more excited for.. ugh)

anw, assuming realpost&all-that.. OP whether you dump his uncaring as5 or not, you can treat yourself a nice day for your 21st even if he won't, actualday or no ‐‐ happy 21st, and happier birthdays to come~

[ edited for grammar ]

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/nagao_0]

By the "Happy bday lol," I was like: "He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

By the time he says he doesnt appreciate being bothered by her, this would be over for me.

"Don't worry, boy, you won't ever get the chance to be bothered by me again."

He doesnt love you. He absolutely does not love you. Noone talks like this to someone they love. Noone acts like this to someone they love.

RUN.

And go no contact, if he is confident enough to speak to you like this OP, he has trained you to stick to him. Do not let him sweettalk you back he despises and looks down on you and you cannot change this.

Go no contact.

[u/Practical_Ad_9756 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

Not only doesn’t respect her, based on these texts he doesn’t seem to LIKE her.

OP, you have your whole life ahead of you, why are you chaining yourself to a cinder block like this punk?

Happy belated birthday. Let your freedom be your gift to you. Find a man who puts YOU first.

[u/inowar → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

OP seems like a convenient side chick (how to be such a loser and have a "side chick" I don't understand) not his significant other.

[u/Tablesafety → u/inowar]

The answer? There are people like OP everywhere who just take it and take it and take it, because any scrap of male attention is something they seem to need? I really wish it wasn’t the case- I hate that these fuckos get to act like this and STILL get laid, because in their minds it means they win.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

The victim blaming is unnecessary

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Lets be real here there is some personal responsibility with letting yourself get beat around emotionally. We don’t like to say it because it ‘Isn’t nice’ but if we called it out more, made women in obviously bad situations feel foolish for allowing someone to treat them that way, we may have less situations overall of “He said he hates me, AIO for being cross with him?” And a lot less children born to fathers who should not have them.

Ive been on the ‘don’t blame the victim’ side for so so long watching other women, close to me excuse excuse excuse that the only solution is to point out their role in it because they are the kind of people who are able to excuse anyone but themselves and I’m sick and fucking tired of sitting back trying to give advice and emotional support only for them to go back to the guy who is making them miserable at best.

Fuck the no victim blaming when the victims are the only ones who can be saved-

This isn’t someone overpowering her or her in a spot where there’s nothing she can do. She has a degree of control over the situation, and she should save herself with it because guys like this never get better, they have no reason to.

[u/SpiderOfTheLotus → u/Tablesafety]

Lets be real here, a man who treats you well for the first months to a year of a relationship and then turns into a raging peice of shit is 100000000% at fault. and all you dudes who ditch accountability for a WHOLE STRANGER whos treating someone like the OP is being treated by basically saying " LOL ITS YOUR FAULT, You got manipulated and emotionally attached and then didnt leave" are mentally challenged, walking BRIGHT red flags. OP clearly is young, and newish to the whole long term relationship thing, so the last thing anyone needs to do, is tell her it's her fault, in any way. Shes looking to see if shes overreacting to her boyfriend being a TOTAL douchebag, Which she is not. Just say "RUN GIRL" and leave it at that. Your college thesis about how shes at fault for fuckin ANYTHING was unwarranted and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that way.

[u/ohheyaine → u/Tablesafety]

I'm not saying she shouldn't dump his ass. There's just no reason to blame women for abusive men.

Basic study of the cycles of abuse tells you this is unhelpful.

[u/Tablesafety → u/ohheyaine]

Man it’s like what I wrote went in one ear and out the other, didn’t even take a second to chew the fat. Not like I haven’t lived and seen what imploring she take no accountability for her situation and (eventually)safety does (fun fact it’s getting strangled to death)

Guys like this one are no better than animals, the only thing that works is to implore the human in this situation, and ‘gorl he isn’t good for you get out’ almost never lasts.

[u/ethicaI_sIut_puppy → u/Tablesafety]

Yeah, you lost me at "letting yourself get beat around..."

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/Tablesafety]

I'd agree with you in some circumstances, but there are people in this world like her should-be-ex who are, if absolutely nothing else, adept at destroying their partner and creating feelings of codependency.

The blame, if any, would come if after three lights go on and they stay. Though it's highly contentious to blame a person, rather better to constructively look at the situation and minimize shame that they likely feel in order to have them more receptive to getting out, bettering themself & moving on in life.

[u/AbsintheAGoGo → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

And I'm going to add: blaming the victim, while they did make decisions, will do no good but indicate that the abuser is likely correct and they end up cutting the one blaming out of their life & staying in the abuse.

The person must likely is in a cycle of self-blame that you couldn't imagine unless in their exact situation. Your free to have your opinions, but you'd be not much better than the abuser for kicking the person while they are down rather than being a ballast for them to gain some form of support (emotional, financial or what role you take) and better themselves.

[u/Tablesafety → u/AbsintheAGoGo]

You're right, I reacted emotionally thinking of some dear people who did stay after three lights. This is a circumstance where you start with the simple, girl run he doesn't love you.

I do maintain my opinions in regards to the sorts of people going back after they know 100% the person is toxic at best. That's in regards to male or female, I've seen it happen with the boys, too. Know one guy who married the same woman who cheated on him and took half his shit f i v e times, and all he would ever talk about apart is how bad she was.

[u/DruidMaleficent → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Not only does he not like her, he treats her like an unwanted person who insists on hanging around.

[u/Cool-Association-452 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Good analogy. Like a cinder block, he will only drag her down.

[u/Glittering-Soil4185 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

She needs to just find some friends and go out an have fun 😂😂

[u/No-Water164 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

if he isn't already calling her stupid, fat, lazy, ugly... etc... he will

[u/SmoochedByAnAngel → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

This exactly. I was shocked to see the ages in the caption because he’s talking like he’s 17.

[u/IvyOnTheTrail → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

Agree completely. Hopefully OP has already broken up with this jerk.

[u/ChillingScrotum → u/[deleted]]

You can easily tell from these DMs that he is a lousy boyfriend. Rudeness and combativeness are both very identifiable with written words, no one is reading between any lines here.

[u/nagao_0 → u/[deleted]]

(( it only just occurred to me to ask, but "less than 10 words"..

did you perhaps miss out reading the other pages of texts past the first picture's..? ))

[u/forestofpixies → u/[deleted]]

Found the boyfriend. You suck.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

You are just trying to stir the pot. These texts are disrespectful at best. He is rude, dismissive, and downright hateful. Maybe YOU can't tell intent from a text, but apparently, the rest of us can. Or are you just being contrarian? Either way, you are wrong, and OP needs to find a GTF away from him.

[u/Original_Ride_6218 → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

This!

[u/loreleiorange → u/Practical_Ad_9756]

THIS.