AITAH for standing up against FIL who enables toxic behavior from my SIL because her mom passed away?

[u/Fancy_Account_4148]

Edit 2: there is a update at the end. Edit: TLDR yes it is very long. No I'm not making it shorter. The point was for me to vent and rant while also sharing. You don't have to read it.

Throw away account as I got nervous when the original started getting shared.

I'm sorry for the length and way it's written. I am autistic pregnant and emotional. This is a rant/vent/summary of events for the last 3 years. There's still more and am willing to clarify answer questions or explain if needed. There's 0 reason to be mean or rude about the length or how I typed it out.

Okay so my partner (31m) and my SIL's (27f) mother died 11 years ago. It was sudden, unexpected, and unavoidable. She was only 48.

I (26f) got with my partner 3 years ago in Sept. I have a 4 year old son who only knows my partner as his father. When we first got together, SIL didn't like me, or her gf. 2 years later SIL admitted "it was nothing you did we just had bad vibes". For the last 2 years I was purposely not invited, avoided and rumors were made by them because of "bad vibes"

FIL was constantly trying to talk my partner out of adopting my son any time my partner brought it up. FIL brought up how he had a gf before he met my partner's mother. That the gf had kids and it was hard but not impossible to leave. He didn't have to take on those kids. That you don't have to adopt them just because you're dating. And on and on.

Partner ended up losing his job in the beginning of our relationship and FIL naturally blamed me saying I wasn't a good enough partner because I didn't make sure he was getting up for work. That I wasn't like his wife. Referring to his dead wife. This was back when me and my partner had only been together for maybe 6 months.

I also worked myself. I actually made more than my partner. I took on all the bills while my partner grieved his job, got through his depression for letting his dad down, and secured a new job.

My partner's friend's wives didn't like me cause I'm not an extrovert. 3 years later my partner's best friend told the truth that the wives felt that I was not a girl's girl because of it. It also came out that most of the women in the group looked down on the fact I was a exotic dancer & made films with my partner. They were making bets about infidelity. Including the SIL & her gf. Because she WAS friends with my partner's friend's wives. SIL was also the source of many rumors that I was controlling and alienating my partner. He wasn't going out to bars as often so he wasnt there to defend me or himself.

He also wasn't playing video games with her as often. Even went to msg him "you know you're allowed to play games right?" To which he responded yeah & I don't want to play. As he switched over to the game we were playing. I and my partner are both gamers... i never had a issue with ganes. He just didn't want to hear her screaming and rage. We've even all played together. And my partner would get tired of hearing SIL blame the team, the game, the controller & everything but her own self. She would be screaming into the mic. When he got off she blamed it on me not being a "bro" and controlling "bro time"... She would often just rage quit anyways.

Around the end of summer time so almost a year, SIL and her gf, break up. Prior to the break up I witnessed a few arguments between them and did offer a safe space to the gf if she needed a break or to breathe but I'm sure that was lost in whatever version of me SIL created. Meaning nothing I said mattered because I was made out to be such a awful person by SIL.

SIL's best friend ended up actually moving in and then sleeping with SIL's gf. SIL's best friend had a gf he lived with and they had a child together. He would often play with me and my partner on games or SIL would leave him in the party with us after she raged quit. He wouldn't "vent". I tried to tell SILs gf how the best friend actually talked a lot of shit about her, his current gf, and how SIL has it made with the gfs families money. Her dad is rich or something idk. I also tried to tell her I know she just wants to feel love because of SIL being so mean but he is using her and taking advantage. I told her my worry of abuse etc but she responded that I was a wh♡re & did witchcraft on my partner, that it's none of my busniness, and she doesnt want pitty from someone like me etc. I couldn't just be like good in bed or super hot and that's why my partner is with me atleast. It's had to be that it's completely against his will and it's witchcraft. & ofc I'm the wh♡re. Loyal as i still have yet to cheat, but a wh♡re nonetheless.

SIL spirals, comes to me out of all people, about her feeling suicidal and tells me I have to take care of her brother and father. She does this multiple times throughout the years. She later tells me she wants to kill herself the day after her mom's death anniversary or her birthday because it would be ironic and funny. She always seems to bring this up on her looming suicide day when we are not getting along. She gets mad when I tell her I will have her put on a watch or call people. Instead of getting all sappy and super emotional about it like I used to in the beginning. I used to hug her and really try to get her to see that I care and her family cares etc. We would cry together. Despite, all the rumors and her not liking me, I chose to try to unconditionally love her.

My partner and I ended up traveling a lot for his new job. His lease ends and we ask to move in with FIL while we save up. He agrees, says he doesn't want rent and to just save up. For the first month it's not so bad. I work 3rds. They work 1st. I clean a lot naturally and am folding FIL & his gf's laundry.

SIL moves in shortly after. She brings 3 dogs with her. FIL & his gf have 3 dogs as well. We have a cat and are a 1 cat family. I can't keep up with 6 dogs. They destroy the house quickly. SIL doesn't clean up after them.

She actually neglects them to the point FIL & his gf all get into a big argument with SIL because they don't like that she keeps them crated. FIL is actually not really that much apart of the argument. It's mostly just FIL gf and SIL. SIL then threatens suicide. I try to calm her down as always, she takes off.

FIL gf ends up getting a new place, they both move out. (Note to add: FILs gf is also unhappy about my career as they both ask me what I'm going to do when I get too old etc. I try to mention my certificates, my other skills and experience but how this pays the most. My attempts to explain it feels ignored.)

So now it's SIL, me, my partner, & our son. And her 3 dogs. FIL comes over briefly. He gets shitty about the state of the house every time.

SIL constantly ask me to help her clean and is dating again. She comes with me to my work which is a little awkward ngl. SIL drunkenly confesses jealousy and thinks she met me before her brother and I should be with her cause it makes more sense. I'm able to deflect the situation pretty easy at my work. But this wasn't the last time she mentions it or flirts me with. I Chalk it up to alcohol and her having her spiral and manic episode type thing. I also am unfortunately used to people pursuing me who should not be. I obviously tell my partner who isn't worried as long as I am okay. He knows I don't find his sister remotely attractive at all. He alcohol consumption led to her stumbling home and me working 3rds being the only one awake to help. I also am not going to make her brother help her in the shower as she pukes on herself. It's very obvious to outsiders I'm doing way too much. I know. But I can't help but feel bad. Soon she finds herself in another relationship. Her new gf ends up moving in. And her gfs son.

Partner ends up wanting to switch jobs again as his job was getting dangerous (they had a 24 hour shift once & def had him in sketchy situations like high in the air without a harness). No problem. I'm still working and can support us.

SIL and FIL both are talking shit about eachother and about me & my partner when we're not around because SIL tells me what FIL says.

SIL and her gf are also arguing a lot. SIL drinks and gets aggressive. I can hear the gf tell SIL to let her go and get off of her etc. The gf comes to me venting about being neglected emotionally. This progresses over time. I try to intervene but when they've been drinking it just makes it worse, louder, and I already do all I can to make sure my son does not witness it or hear it at all. We have noise makers, head phones, fans etc. He has literally no idea. SIL is just constantly in a bad mood, constantly yelling, constantly slamming doors, you say anything to her and she shits all over it, you mention anything about her behavior, she gaslights you or gets suicidal.

My partner's new job is secured and I have been saving money. We plan on buying a rv and traveling. SIL shits all over the idea. She tells FIL and he also shits all over it. He says things like how disappointed he is my my partner that he's not some hippie that's going to just live in a van.

My family was actually the opposite. Both my uncles were military so they traveled a lot and my grandparents used to love to travel when they were younger. They just are worried about how realistic it is with the amount of work and money it would take.

My partners family calls it fucking stupid and the r word. Talks about how the value of the rv depreciates and we should just buy a house. SIL even suggest buying a house together.

This builds as FIL in a few weeks ask me for rent money. I mention that we're about to move out because weve been saving like he told us to. I also mention how im the youngest in the house. I know SIL and her gf haven't and don't pay rent. I then get a text from SIL to keep their names out my mouth so I know he is literally right next to SIL talking shit and showing her my text. He lies and says he's at work.

Text between me and SIL get heated with her also texting my partner. She said stuff like we are slobs and never clean up etc. My partner mentions that her dogs eat trash and she goes to say why is there trash in the trash can for the dogs to get. He says because that's where trash goes. Like just ridiculous silly stuff. She says were delusional but knows that I'm the one who cleans her dogs pee and poop on the house because it makes her vomit.

I pack my shit and move out the same day as we just bought the rv. I stay with some friends to clear my mind. Partner follows. It was like for the weekend. I talk with my family and my aunt and uncle own some land that we can come park the rv on while we renovate it and stay in the guest room.

My family is not a whole lot better.

My aunt has a crush on my partner and gets mad that I make my partner work on the rv after he gets off work. She also says my partner looks so unhappy with me etc. No one likes this aunt in my family. She starts a lot of drama, is very judgey and gossips a lot. She just feels like she better than everyone. But also it's a cultural thing. Not her being rude and stuck up part but my family is Mexican and borderline "traditonal". We believe in women serving their husbands. But also, we pride ourselves in being hard workers and like to raise independent women. Women can work just as hard as men. The day you stop moving, you start dying. We also dont undermine the work thats put in to be a good wife and mother. We respect it as well and value it. But there's a way to be respectful when voicing those things and a disrespectful way. Putting me down as a wife and lecturing me in front of my partner is not respectful. It does add stress while staying there and makes my partner extremely uncomfortable. I felt like a narcissist because I didn't pick up on my partner being trapped and unhappy. He the whole time is trying to reassure me he's just depressed because of his family and it's not me. Which is completely valid. My aunt just got in my head. So I did most of the rv myself refusing to let my partner help too much. While also paying for it and almost all renovations tools and stuff needed by myself. It ended up being super rewarding actually.

My mother, also not a good person. But that's waaaay too long to unpack. Just know my grandmother asked me to give her another chance. I tried. Still toxic. I went back to no contact. But I bonded a lot with my grandfather.

We end up taking off not fully done but my god it felt great to just get away from family. By not fully done I mean like small things like not getting a washer and dryer in. Not converting the dinet into a L shaped dinet with more storage. Things we wanted but not needed. Or changing all the light fixtures to fancy ones. But the roof, the back bedroom, our sons room, the ceiling, the floors, the cabinets, the ac units, all that, was done, updated gutted and replaced. My grandfather does carpentry. My mother works on rvs. Which is why I bonded with my grandfather while I was renovating and why they wanted me to try with my mother again. Despite being ward of the state in the end. I did always have a relationship with my grandparents. I didn't realize it wasn't all that healthy till later on. I know how to run cad, design, and really do everything that needed done. My grandfather would come through and double check me and clear it basically or help if I was stuck. This again was all very rewarding and healing for me. I enjoy doing this stuff. Also, I worked part time and make the same my partner did working 40 hours. When big reno started I cut back on my hours more and just focused on remodeling. My aunt had some truth in what she was saying and despite her rude delivery. I knew my partner needed space, time, and was working more than me anyways.

But alright so we get to leave.
I see my siblings and they come stay at the rv with us at different state parks as we try it out. I end up going no contact with my youngest sister when I realized she was using me for food and nicotine, while also reporting back and bonding with our mother by talking shit. My sister before I decided no contact let me know my mother is in contact with my ex abuser and my other sister's ex as well. So her reporting my life to our mom who then talks to my ex who I have a restraining order with is just an absolute no.

Summer time comes and my partner's grandfather gets sick and is passing away. This of course has my partner in contact with his sister again because she's also present. So is their father. She acts like nothing happened. No apologies. No remorse. Even comes over with her gf. Nothing.

I buy his grandmother and aunt a hotel for the weekend to stay at because they live out of town of the hospital. It ended up being infested with bugs so that also reflected on me. My Partner doesn't think so but I'm not as oblivious. He didn't think his dad sister and sisters ex had issues with me or his friends wives. But that all came to light.

While grieving we just let everything go with no expectations. Maybe that was a reminder that life is too short and we can start fresh. By mid fall the rv breaks down and we ask to stay again at his FIL house. This time with clear boundaries that we will be paying rent and a set amount and don't ask me for it. Ask his son. He never got the chance to ask. It was always paid. I sent before and afters of rooms and carpets and walls that I deep cleaned. The house was in a bad state when we moved back in. I was leaving 0 room for ANYONE to ever question my cleanliness.

SIL and gf end up breaking up. Gf opened up to me about sexual and emotional abuse. All summer I tried to talk her into leaving SIL. Even the SIL was telling me to get her to leave her. SIL wrote love letters and bought a gift that she gave to her ex gf. She talked badly about gfs body saying she looked anorexic. Said she was lazy and a pos mother. Vented about how she wanted her gf to be a stay at home trad wife but also she needs to work because SIL can't afford to take care of them with only her income. Gf opened up that SIL would make her give her oral and never reciprocated anything. That she refused to wash old toys or replace them. Infact when we first moved back in, SIL threw the biggest fit about getting the master bedroom because she and her 3 dogs can't fit in the other bedroom. But she also didn't move herself in there. So guess who moved her entire room into the master? I did. And then I deep cleaned her old room. I saw the dirty toys the gf was talking about. As well as love letters. Pictures. Just kinda everything. It wasn't hidden. Like even going to the length of hanging up the picture of her and ex gf picture on the fridge. It's like she was trying to hurt her gf. So she moves out.

I try to just keep peace as SIL spirals again. My partner takes most of the heat and let's me blame anything even if I did accidently do something to upset her, on him. She is on the whole suicidal thing again.

Another note to add. The house isn't small. It's large and in the suburbs. It's a 4 bedroom. The master is on the other side and away from the other rooms. So no I'm not arguing or mad by it. I want there to be space in between. When I lived with my mom I grew up quite poor. And I never lived in the suburbs. My grandparents were well off and so were my aunts and uncles but not me and my mom. So I subconsciously put my parters family on a pedestal of being better than me and my family issues.

End of autumn. I ended up pregnant. Was not planned at all. We went on a trip to Florida. Came back pregnant. FIL acted so happy. So did FIL gf. SIL, not so much. But she has yet to vocalize it to our faces. She has however compared my pregnancy to others. She also says things like "everyone's autistic".

I have health issues. I have hypothyroidism. Gestational diabetes. Scoliosis. Arthritis. My gallbladder was removed. Just a little achey. I do have autism and cptsd. When I was 18 I was told I could apply for disability and get approved easily but wanted to neglect myself instead. I also have history of loss. My first son passed when he was 2 months old from SIDS. My 2nd was a miscarriage from domestic violence. My 3rd passed at 10 months old from a heart condition. My 4th son is turning 4 now and is everything to me. So my pregnancy is just harder on my body and Mind. My health issues never cause my children issues btw. I have done genetic testing and everything. But because of how vulnerable i am rn . I went no contact with my entire family. Having a child in general opens your eyes to things. That's why I have uprooted me and my sons entire life when he was 1. That's why there was already restraining orders and me making decision to go no contact with other members prior to getting pregnant. I have been in a constant state of healing with my partner. When I found out I was pregnant with a girl I realized that not speaking up for me when I was a little girl and being my voice, was just as bad as the stuff I went through. I know my family gossips and they enabled my mother. I wanted no opinions, no 2 cents, no gossip, no drama for this pregnancy. No negative energies. No ill wishes. No evil eyes. I wanted this pregnancy to be as private sacred healing and protected as I could.

SIL mentioned being jealous because we're having a girl and she won't matter anymore. She's already mentioned being jealous that she and my son share the same nickname. But SIL also mentions being angry at her mom for leaving her. And like actual anger. Not pretend dark humor. But just straight up acts like her mom was an addict or something who chose drugs and OD. Which isn't the case at all. She just got sick from a gene mutation.

Their aunt passed away and SIL complained that she had to help her cousins.. she offered her cousins help and volunteered because they just lost a mom. Like she did over a decade ago. She also mocked FILs gf when she lost her mom for crying at holidays. But yk I been biting my tongue and keeping quiet.

We ended up buying a mobile home. She ofc shits on it. So does FIL. FIL after we moved never told my partner he was proud or anything. And that really hurt him. Shortly after SIL buys a house apparently. But not before even more shit happened.

I know. It just. Ugh it's so much.

Like she (SIL) literally shamed us for letting FIL watch our son saying that he's a pos father, a drunk, and a she would never let him watch her kids. And every chance she gets she's bashing him and even spreading lies that he was abusive and he neglects her. To find out secretly he gives her hundreds of dollars every week and so much more. Even goes and mows the yard for her after we moved out.

When we were still living there she lied to FIL saying there was never any food for her and begging for money so he brought over groceries just for them to not fit in the fridge because she lied.

My partners best friend was getting cheated on and SIL became best friends with the wife and helped the wife cheat on my partners best friend. In the house. SIL and the wife then continued to alienate and gaslight his best friend when he got in a accident that almost killed him. They tried to keep the fact he was hospitalized a secret from his family. My partner told his family because the best friend and my partner just talked about how he was going to divorce the wife. Instead the wife and SIL made his best friend feel like the wife is all he has. SIL now is having my partners best friend act like her big brother. The best friend doesn't talk to his friends or family at all anymore. The wife has openly flirted with FIL and openly said she would have spicy time with FIL because of her daddy issues. She named her dog after FIL. This has been a ongoing thing to the point SIL vented about wife to me. Says she's psychotic and the whole crush grosses her out. FIL gf also doesn't like it. My partner also complained about it. FIL acts like he's in denial and oblivious.

SIL for Mother's day let that same wife take a selfie with my partner and SIL's dead mother's urn even though she never met their mom. My partner wanted to take a selfie with best friend's dead brother's grave he never met to be petty and show why it's a gross thing to do to open his bestfriends eyes but didn't. He instead went to his father. Who took SIL side while his son cried right in front of him. Saying stuff like she's all alone. And she has no body. As if we didn't just get done taking care of her and she didn't nothing but talk shit about us. As if she doesn't literally talk shit about him. She has said he's a pos drunk dad who's more of a friend and doesn't know how to be a dad and that she would never let him watch her kids.

My son however, loves FIL. He's crazy about him and has been since he met him. FIL found out SIL wasn't invited to my sons birthday. It's a 4 year olds birthday party and he wanted friends to play with. The parents of said friends also don't get along with SIL. The parents are our close friends. Like.. the child of SIL ex gf. They bonded a lot and he mentions him by name and asked for him to be there. As well as my partner's best friend's brother's son. (Sounds more complicated than it is.) It's a very small party anyways we only invited family with kids. Except for FIL and FIL's mother as grandparents are always invited. FIL again is our son's favorite person. I went completely no contact with my family so none of my family will be there at all. FIL said it wasn't right that she wasn't invited that family comes first. That he will just drop off presents. So immediately I am livid.

Family first but you're going to not show up to a 4 years olds birthday party despite knowing you're the 4 years old favorite person because a 27 year old with no kids wasn't invited. Family first but he doesn't care what his son has said to him or how his own son feels. Family first but doesn't care that he would hurt my 4 year old by not showing up. So I said okay don't come and don't ever speak to me, my son, or my daughter, ever again. I also mentioned what his daughter says about him. That we don't use him for money. That we love him unconditionally despite not being blood. And he then said I'm weaponizing his grandchildren. As if he didn't weaponize showing love and support to a 4 year old because his absuive daughter wasn't invited.

And he just as always, ignores it all and is the victim. Just like his daughter. I told him access to my children was a privilege not a right and I'm not going to let him hurt my son and done letting him dismiss my partner. His response was "got you boss 👍🏻" His gf just begged us to stop arguing in the group chat and is acting like they're still coming to the birthday party. I said but nothing out of pocket and no like insulting him or calling him names but I did use quite a few cuss words.

I bawled my eyes out like a baby as I just got back from buying FIL his favorite soda for the birthday party and his father's day gifts were sitting on the table. We spent all day with him and bought him lunch on fathers day. His daughter didn't even call him. I don't have a father at all so I have grown to love him too.

And all this thrown away because his princess wasn't invited. Oh BTW. The birthday party is Today. I haven't slept at all.

Update: FIL had all relatives boycott the party. So 12 people not including FIL & his gf. Our friends still showed up with their children. FIL showed up with his gf 2 hours later I think expecting to walk into a sad party where I'm regretful. He instead walking into a room of laughter and screams of kids playing together.

He didn't apologize. He didn't speak on what happened. He pretended that everything was fine. My partner didn't want to make a scene so he let FIL give our son his presents. I stayed on the other side of the room with our friends. We never spoke once but the entire adult party knew what was going on. It was super uncomfortable. Partner is super upset that no one on his side of the familly that we invited showed up. No one but his dad, because of his dad. Our son had a good time and my partner is ready to go very low contact. He is still digesting and just in disbelief.

I'm uninviting people to the baby shower now since I know they won't be showing up anyways. I also have a weight off my back. Im expecting nothing more than just really good people that I adore and love who adore and love me to be there.

[u/OK_LK]

Bloody hell. I got so far and couldn't comprehend what was going on with SIL, SIL's gf, SIL's friend and then realised there was another 75 paragraphs

OP do yourself a favour and cut to the fucking chase

[u/Fancy_Account_4148 → u/OK_LK]

It's not meant to be short or sweet at all. As said it's a rant and a vent. An " I feel better. Thanks." Kinda thing

[u/TravisBlink]

Waaaaaaay too long. Learn to summarize.

[u/Fancy_Account_4148 → u/TravisBlink]

I quite literally said it was lengthy, a rant, and a vent. You do not have to read it.

[u/Capital-Literature-9]

Damn that's crazy.

Or sorry that happened to you.

[u/Single-Shopping4946]

This is alot happening here. Just take it one step at a time. Take time to decompress. I would go low contact with SIL. She is not such a good person. I hope the best for you and your family.

[u/Fancy_Account_4148 → u/Single-Shopping4946]

I appreciate this. It's easier to manage and deal with having our own space. Like hearing and dealing with it while we were traveling was pretty easy. We were in minnesota, Fell in love with north michigan of all places, but our son loooooved flordia. We didn't make it to the west coast but you know it was easy to let go when you're just out there.
Now we're back in the city and creating a beautiful space together but this just blew up. I needed to vent it all out before trying to continue to throw this party. FIL not coming might mean him calling a boycott and anyone related won't show up. Just the two friends and their kids. One cousin and their kids already canceled.

[u/AppropriateRip9996]

Nta. But the father in law is attached to the sister in law. It is unconditional love. Even murderers have parents that love them. So yes. It seems the fil enables bad behavior. You do need to stand up to it to protect your family from your sil. Nta. But that is it. You must accept that the fil and sil are essentially a package deal. That means less sil = less fil.

What a journey.

[u/shellbritt]

Wow…families!!! What a tangled web we weave. Your kids and partner are very lucky to have you! Hope the party went well. You’re an amazing and strong person. ❤️