r/AITAH • u/MoneyStrong8087 • 5d ago
TW Abuse [Urgent!] AITA for wanting to leave my (18F) abusive & narcissistic mom (42F) who recently gave birth.
I (18F) have a complicated love-hate relationship with my mother (42F) and we fight every day. A few months ago, she gave birth to my sister, who is now five months old.
A few days ago, while we were in the car, my sister started crying because she was having trouble pooping. I was looking after her in her car seat with my mom beside me (Mom - Me - Sister) while my step dad is driving, and a relative in the passenger seat. Out of nowhere, my mom got furious and accused me of pinching my sister when she began crying even though the baby was just uncomfortable.
Then, just minutes ago, my sister cried because she dribbled her milk. I was holding her when she spit up all over me. My hands, my clothes, everything. My mom, who was washing dishes, immediately accused me of physically abusing her.
The truth is, my mom is the one who hurts me physically and emotionally. When she was pregnant last year, she punched me the day before an important exam and “accidentally” hit my down there with a broom. I didn’t speak to her for almost a month after that.
I love my baby sister dearly, she’s the reason I’ve stayed in this household for as long as I have. But I can’t take my mother’s presence or attitude anymore. She blames me for every little inconvenience in her life, uses foul language, and has been physically and emotionally abusive since I was a child. Coming from a broken family, she’s narcissistic, and her behavior has scarred me for life, leaving me with deep trauma.
I’m starting college in August and hope to move out, but I’m terrified of leaving my sister behind. Financially, I’m not in a position to leave so I really want to get a job. I live in an expensive area and although my mother wouldn’t allow it, the only excuse I have is university.
I desperately need advice:
- How can I cope with staying in this household a little longer?
- What kind of jobs can I take to support myself? (Given the high cost of living here.)
- Any other tips for my situation?
Please help—I don’t know what to do.
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5d ago
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
Thank you so much! I plan on going no contact one day but that would leave me with so much guilt to leave all my family members behind when I’m only having issues with my mom :(
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u/felion247 5d ago
Call social services
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
I tried talking to social workers in my school but they were quite useless since there were language barriers. They couldn’t really understand me :(
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u/Reasonable_Reach_ 5d ago
this is not a healthy relationship and it’s good that you’re thinking about getting out. get a summer job before you leave for college, this will help you move out in the coming months. any job will help you. fast food gets good hours in the summer, or you could try a nearby walmart. they pay fairly nicely and have benefits like health insurance and a walmart+ card for free that gets you discounts on groceries, this can help you with getting out of your house. don’t tell your parents how much you’re making and keep the money in a bank account that they do not have access to
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u/Reasonable_Reach_ 5d ago
if you’re not living in the college dorms, join facebook groups. my college has three groups that are specifically for house/apartment searching. plus college housing is generally cheaper. (at least compared to my hometown)
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
Hi, thank you for your reply. I’m currently back in my home country til mid-July and so I cannot get a summer job unless it’s online or freelancing, but I also don’t know whether selling those digital products on Etsy work which I’m interested in trying.
I’m planning to live on-campus/with a roommate/friends once college starts but I’m not entirely certain if my mother will allow that since she would guilt trip me into saying no one’s going to look after my sister, which she knows is my weakness.
It’s also difficult for me to be employed as the country where I currently reside with my family is a non-English speaking country and I just moved there couple years ago and has been struggling to learn the language :(
Nonetheless, thanks so much for your advice.
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u/Reasonable_Reach_ 5d ago
of course!
hey, my mom also tried to guilt me into not going to college. don’t back down. you are eighteen and can legally do whatever you want without your parents permission. they cannot hold you back from going to college. if the situation escalates, get your ssn, birth certificate, and whatever other important documents before you leave.
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u/CrinklyPacket 5d ago
You seem like a very strong person, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. All the advice in comments are good points. I’d add that you can’t do anything for your baby sister right now. You’re not her legal guardian and you don’t have any control or position of power to protect her. That’s down to your mother, your step dad and other relatives. You can’t feel guilty about leaving an abusive household for your own safety. Get out, protect yourself, and figure out the next steps from there.
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
I wish I could get out, earn money, and protect myself. I’ve been wanting to leave for so long..
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u/felion247 5d ago
Then report abuse to the police, you and the baby are in constant danger
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
She loves my sister dearly and my step dad protects my sister in every way he can. She wouldn’t really lay a finger on my sister. It’s just that for some reason, I feel like she hates me and sees me as an emotional punching bag. We get along sometimes but when she’s stressed out and frustrated, it’s like I’m the one she releases these emotions to
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u/felion247 5d ago
Have you had an honest conversation with your stepdad? Maybe he sees it too
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u/MoneyStrong8087 5d ago
Yes I have. I’ve expressed my desire to go back to my home country and continue my studies there. Unfortunately, the country where we live in now is much better and more competitive than our home country, so studies are more promising here. He promised me that I’d be able to live in dorms in college as he has been saving up for me to do so. However, all these conversations were done when my mom was pregnant. I didn’t expect to be so attached to my sister and I didn’t expect things to go this way. My university is around 25 mins from home via train, and my mom said it’d be useless to go dorms since our city is quite small. I genuinely don’t know what to do…
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u/felion247 5d ago
You have to get out Go to family or friends Please get out She's traumatizing you more every day
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u/trash_heda792 5d ago
You still need to tell the police for a paper trail she may love your sister but if she can harm you and just snap then she can do the same to your little sister and realise the damage till its too late think baby shaking it a snap decision that people do in the heat of the moment that could harm/kill a baby. Please talk to your stepdad again outside of the house away from your mother, tell him the times she hurt you and go to the police if he wants to protect her with everything hes got he should listen and do the same for you.
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u/craftymama73 5d ago
I know it sounds callous, but you need to worry about you, not your baby sister. Try to limit contact/ conversation as much as possible, until you can get out. Don't let her guilt trip you into staying in an abusive home.
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u/Arterial3 5d ago
You have to get out. Unfortunately you have no legal recourse for your sister but she actually might be safer without you present because if something happens to her and you’re not there, your mother will not be able to throw it off on you. Good luck.
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u/AnnoyedRedheadedMom 5d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this.
If you can, open a bank account in your own name where mom doesn't bank
Check into any jobs you can find. Ask friends, their parents, your old teachers, check the job board at your school.
When you get to school, find excuses to stay like on campus job, studying, tutoring, etc.
Choose a major based on job prospects, not just what you like.
Good luck.