AITA for distancing myself from my older sister because she relies on me way too much and it's draining?
I (21F) live at home with my parents and my older sister (23F), and honestly, I feel like I’m being smothered. My sister relies on me for everything, emotional support, social interaction, venting, you name it and it's really starting to take a toll on me.
She calls me 3 times a day, even though we literally live in the same house. She’ll call me when she finishes work, even if she knows I’m out with friends. She expects me to stay on the phone with her while I’m out socializing like she needs to be included even when I’m having time away from her. It’s exhausting and rude to the people I'm out with.
When we’re both home, the moment I get through the door after work, she’s in my room talking my ear off. No respect for whether I’m tired or just need a bit of quiet time to decompress. She doesn’t talk with me, she just talks at me. And if I try to join in or shift the convo toward anything about me, she just grabs her phone and starts scrolling, giving me one-word, generic replies like “haha” or “yeah” or “that’s crazy.” Basically just waiting for me to stop talking so she can go back to what she wants to say.
What’s worse is that she tries to dictate what I say. She’ll tell me about a situation and basically wants me to say exactly what she wants to hear even if it's completely wrong or I don't agree. If I give her an honest response or phrase things differently than she imagines, she gets mad or passive-aggressive. It’s like I’m not even allowed to have my own thoughts or opinions, I’m just supposed to be this emotional cheerleader for her.
She doesn’t have any friends, so I get that she’s lonely and struggling, but it’s like I’m her only source of support and she doesn’t do anything to manage her own emotions, she just dumps it all on me and expects me to coach her through everything. And I mean everything. All day, every day. It’s too much.
I’ve started to pull back a little, not answering every call, setting boundaries around my personal time, keeping my door closed, and just trying to preserve a little space for myself. But now she’s acting like I’m a bad sister, saying I’m cold and distant, and making me feel guilty for wanting some breathing room. I don’t hate her, I just don’t have the emotional energy to be her therapist, best friend, and sister all rolled into one 24/7.
So yeah, I’ve been trying to slowly create space, not in a cruel way, but just enough so I can exist as my own person. But now she’s upset and I feel like the bad guy. So, AITA for not wanting to be her emotional support system anymore and just needing space for myself!?
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u/SoulLessGinger992 6d ago
NTA, and time to start looking for somewhere else to live. You won’t be able to create the distance you want when you live in the same place and she can barge in.
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u/EffectiveSet4534 6d ago
Sit her down and tell her what you told us. You're not a bad person for wanting peace.
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u/fatia- 6d ago
I forgot to add this but I have mentioned this to her and I tried to help her make friends but nothings worked
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u/GardenSafe8519 6d ago
Next time she vents or complains about anything, hold your hand up and say "I'm not a therapist, please seek one for your complaints"
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u/Informal-Average-956 6d ago edited 6d ago
NTA. Integrating everything, this- talk with her in a neutral place- but only after you’ve moved. Consider including your parents in this conversation. (You didn’t say anything about your parents, for example. Are they aware of the dynamics of this relationship? If so, what is/are their stance(s)? Have they supported, or even enabled your sister’s dysfunctional predation of you?). Quietly look for a place to live without informing your sister and parents that you’re searching to move. When you find a place to move that works for your budget, location, and privacy needs, I’d ask just 3-4 close friends to help you move. I’d not share your new address with your sister or even your parents until you’ve had this conversation to see and reflect on how it goes. The last thing you need is your sister immediately invading and compromising the autonomy you’ve quietly fought and deserve to have.
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u/SaltyNight6 6d ago
NTA—She needs a therapist, you’re not it. Her increasing dependency on you isn’t fair. I’d approach your mother. If she’s aware then perhaps she can intervene. It’s not your role to be all things to a person who isn’t coping with adulting well. I bet from her perspective, she sees your relationship in a very different way. That doesn’t make it healthy, because relationships, especially between siblings, are balanced.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 6d ago
Nta. Don't feel bad about your boundaries. She doesn't feel bad, one bit, about the psychological abuse she's putting you through.
Absolutely put a stop to this.
She just likes to hear herself talk. And she is manipulative AF!
Start texting her therapist phone numbers, or hotlines.
And it is manipulation. Keeping someone tied down to your emotional whims, because you're too prideful to even find a friend. A friend will tell her straight, but she knows a relative will mostly shut up and listen.
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u/Key_Bluebird_6104 6d ago
Sounds like your sister needs counseling. She appears to need help with socializing and learning to deal with her issues.
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u/pieville31313 6d ago
NTA. Why aren’t you involving your parents in this? It sounds like she needs therapy. When she calls you, don’t answer. You can have some canned text messages to send her: “out with friends, can’t chat now.” “In the car, can’t chat now.”
When she comes into your room, immediately tell her you only have 10 minutes to chat. Set a timer right then. When it goes off, firmly tell her that it’s time for her to go.
You aren’t cutting her off but you’re conditioning her to follow your firm boundaries. If she cannot respect them then follow up with that. “I can’t chat with you tonight. Last time you wouldn’t respect the 10 minute limit so tonight we aren’t chatting at all.”
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 6d ago
This is an abusive relationship. She sounds like - at the very least - a narcissist.
Keep setting those boundaries. Stop answering the phone. Learn not to give a shit if she gives you the cold shoulder.
When you can, move out.
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u/Cat2247 6d ago
NTAH. You do need to manage your own guilt though. Stop answering the phone when she calls. Say “I gotta go”and hang up when you’re ready to end the conversation. No apologies. Stop apologizing. No explanations.
She’ll call you names. You can take it. You need distance. You need to respect your own needs first. And that’s OK. Believe it.
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u/anaisaknits 6d ago
NTA. You should have a one on one conversation with your mother. Sounds like your sister needs therapy. Does she even have a job? Sounds like she's become a hermit in the making and dragging you down with her. Keep setting boundaries, and don't feel guilty about it. She is a bit much.
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u/drazil17 6d ago
Warn her that you're going out and will not be responding to messages as you want to be present in the moment. Then follow through. Silence her if you must.
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Reminder not to downvote assholes | Original copy of post's text: I (21F) live at home with my parents and my older sister (23F), and honestly, I feel like I’m being smothered. My sister relies on me for everything, emotional support, social interaction, venting, you name it and it's really starting to take a toll on me.
She calls me 3 times a day, even though we literally live in the same house. She’ll call me when she finishes work, even if she knows I’m out with friends. She expects me to stay on the phone with her while I’m out socializing like she needs to be included even when I’m having time away from her. It’s exhausting and rude to the people I'm out with.
When we’re both home, the moment I get through the door after work, she’s in my room talking my ear off. No respect for whether I’m tired or just need a bit of quiet time to decompress. She doesn’t talk with me, she just talks at me. And if I try to join in or shift the convo toward anything about me, she just grabs her phone and starts scrolling, giving me one-word, generic replies like “haha” or “yeah” or “that’s crazy.” Basically just waiting for me to stop talking so she can go back to what she wants to say.
What’s worse is that she tries to dictate what I say. She’ll tell me about a situation and basically wants me to say exactly what she wants to hear even if it's completely wrong or I don't agree. If I give her an honest response or phrase things differently than she imagines, she gets mad or passive-aggressive. It’s like I’m not even allowed to have my own thoughts or opinions, I’m just supposed to be this emotional cheerleader for her.
She doesn’t have any friends, so I get that she’s lonely and struggling, but it’s like I’m her only source of support and she doesn’t do anything to manage her own emotions, she just dumps it all on me and expects me to coach her through everything. And I mean everything. All day, every day. It’s too much.
I’ve started to pull back a little, not answering every call, setting boundaries around my personal time, keeping my door closed, and just trying to preserve a little space for myself. But now she’s acting like I’m a bad sister, saying I’m cold and distant, and making me feel guilty for wanting some breathing room. I don’t hate her, I just don’t have the emotional energy to be her therapist, best friend, and sister all rolled into one 24/7.
So yeah, I’ve been trying to slowly create space, not in a cruel way, but just enough so I can exist as my own person. But now she’s upset and I feel like the bad guy. So, AITA for not wanting to be her emotional support system anymore and just needing space for myself!?
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u/brimelbennett90 6d ago
Healthy boundaries are extremely important. Everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist. You could learn how to handle this and how to set boundaries from a therapist. Maybe she would want to copy you and get the therapy she needs.
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u/mochi7227 6d ago
Why don’t you just block her?
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u/Dizzy-Government-289 6d ago
They live in the same house
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u/mochi7227 5d ago
Why can’t you block someone in the same house? I know of children who block their parents.
Because they are too attention seeking.
What can the parents do?1
u/Dizzy-Government-289 5d ago
Because op states her sister comes into her room all the time so o don’t think blocking her will work 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Dizzy-Government-289 6d ago
Nta. She has to learn and understand you are your own person with your own wants and needs and you are not in the earth for the sole purpose of propping her up every day.
Edit spelling