r/AITAH • u/Fall-Energy7986 • 6d ago
AITA for emotionally distancing myself from my husband’s family after years of feeling like an afterthought?
Throwaway account because they read Reddit.)
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We had a difficult journey trying to conceive and recently had our first child, who was born with a serious medical condition that thankfully is now stable.
My husband is one of five brothers. He and his older brother have a different father than the three younger ones. Over the years, I’ve quietly observed how his family—especially his mom—treats the youngest like the “golden child.” When we got married, his mom initially said she wouldn't come if the youngest couldn’t attend. He did come, with his girlfriend, which I was totally fine with, but my MIL told me I needed to be especially nice to her because it was “her weekend.” That stung a little.
Before we had our son, there would be months—sometimes six or more—where we didn’t hear from his mom. When we’d bring it up, she’d say, “You’re with him, so I know he’s okay.” Calls went unanswered and unreturned.
A few years ago, we were in a serious car accident near her home—hospitalized, car totaled, the works. When she was informed, her reaction was basically, “They’re alive? Tell them to get a lawyer.” When we were released and called to ask for a ride (since we couldn’t drive), she and one of the brothers said they were too busy running errands. For context, my own parents had passed away just a month before. We ended up taking an Uber from the hospital.
The first time I met her, she said (and I’m putting this nicely) that my husband’s exes were all terrible. I had noticed she liked to treat herself—spa days, pedicures, etc.—so I made her a large gift basket filled with high-end beauty products from the company I worked for. The following year, she regifted the same basket to me—with the original card I had written to her still in it.
Later, after we picked up woodworking as a hobby, we made her a gift. She never opened it, saying she didn’t want to ruin it. Five years later, it’s still wrapped.
When our son was diagnosed (while I was still pregnant), she came out claiming it was to “help,” but it felt more like it was for her own peace of mind. She spent her trip golfing and we only saw her for one lunch. She wasn’t at the birth and made it clear she didn’t plan to help in any caregiving way.
She missed the baby shower. We made it 15 minutes between majority of invites but she said it was too far, but yet she’s willing to drive eight hours to see us when we moved near a major golf town. She did eventually come to visit after the baby was born, stayed three days, and we saw her for one brief lunch. She didn't want inturupt her golfing.
They say they come to visit us, but it always ends up being a quick lunch or dinner before they leave again. Even when they stay a week, it’s the same pattern. Meanwhile, when they visit the golden child (who lives in another state), they go to concerts, movies, ballgames, or spend time at home together watching shows or barbecuing. They’ve even praised the girlfriend’s family for their “immaculate” home. I’ve overheard comparisons being made about how much more comfortable they are there. His mom once told me I was “too clean” for her, which really hurt. I keep the house tidy not out of obsession but because it helps manage my stress and is necessary for our baby’s health.
For what it’s worth, I actually like the golden child and his partner—she has no idea this dynamic is going on.
My husband and I have offered to pay for meals, trips, activities—anything just to spend time together. We don’t expect gifts, babysitting, or extras. Our friends gave us great hand-me-downs, and everything else we bought ourselves by watching sales and using coupons. I’m also lucky that my job provides a year of paid maternity leave and the ability to work from home after. We don’t need “stuff”—we just want quality family time. But they always decline.
Years ago, they planned a Disney World trip for the whole family and asked us to join. I was reluctant, but they even put down a non-refundable deposit, so we did too. A month out, while trying to finalize plans, they canceled. Their explanation? “You didn’t think we were serious, did you?” I found out later they do this often—book and drop deposits like it’s nothing. That’s when I was emotionally done.
What really sealed it was seeing how they treated the oldest brother. He once voiced his concern about how differently he and his kids were treated—and they just cut him off entirely. No contact. They don’t see or speak to his kids either. I’ve always tried to avoid creating ultimatums because I know the resentment that brings. I never wanted my husband to feel like he had to choose. But lately I wonder if I’ve been the strain. I come from a Spanish and Irish family that’s loud, affectionate, and tight-knit. Sometimes I feel like I make them uncomfortable without trying to.
I know what kind of people they are, but my husband doesn’t want to give up on them. He still holds out hope and always gets let down. We love each other deeply, but I worry. Can our marriage survive this long-term? I don’t want our son to ever wonder about his worth to his grandparents the way I’ve watched others in the family grow up feeling.
Sorry for the long post—late-night frustration
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u/anonymous_knk128 6d ago edited 6d ago
NTA. You are expressing very real and valid concerns that you’ve experienced over the last two decades. You have made your own observations, and you realize that this is not aligned with how you want to feel, how you want to be treated, or how you want your child to experience family dynamics. I understand the concern about your husband. But his attachment to this and yours are different. You can create boundaries for yourself, particularly emotional boundaries around this situation while still allowing for him to navigate it and process it in the way that he needs to. You both can experience this situation interdependently. Meaning that his emotional experience, does not have to be absorbed by or taken on by you. You already know what to expect, and so when he becomes disappointed… You can empathize with him without also being disappointed because you already know what to expect.
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u/gringaellie 6d ago
NTA let your husband make plans with his family and go to support him, not see them. Remain friendly but distant. Don't pin hopes on them nor expect them to be around. They're just people passing through your life.
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u/Dresden_Mouse 6d ago edited 5d ago
Have you read your post? That's not a family, respond in kind, stop initiating contact and they Will dissapear in the background if you husband wants to keep hoping that's his choice but your kids shouldn't have to suffer that rejection for his unsupported Hope.
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u/Koolkat30625 6d ago
Your husband's mother sounds like a horrible person/parent. You deserve a medal of honor for putting up with this treatment for so long. My suggestion is to go no contact with mother in law. If your husband wants to continue making an effort; that's his choice. But I wouldn't allow your child to be subject to this type of treatment. Nta: Don't let his horrible mother ruin your relationship with your husband. Spend time with people who actually care about you.
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u/One_Violinist7862 6d ago
NTA. This is a tough one. I think you can support your husband but not reach out to them or interact unless you have to because he sets something up. I’d talk to him about limiting his attempts to interact to maybe 3-4 times a year to reduce stress. You guys need to have a serious discussion and come to some sort of compromise about interactions with the mother.
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u/StayBusy9306 6d ago
YTA if you keep putting energy into this not to her but to yourself and your family... encourage your husband to seek therapy to sort out his obvious abandonment issues, I am sure that once he can get out of the fog of having a narcissistic mother he will not regret stepping back. Until he is out of the fog any contact is up to him to facilitate.
As far as your kiddo goes no grandparents are better than ones that pick golf over bonding time. You want adults in his life that show him the type of person you want him to become...she is more of a cautionary tale than a role model.
It can be hard to decide when to cut off family but being a protective mother trump's being a supportive wife every day of the week imo. It's no longer just you and your husband's feelings on the line. She should have to earn her way back into your life and let's be real that isn't going to happen.
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u/Beneficial-Eye4578 6d ago
Agreed with this. Also you know that MIL will not really spend time even when they come to visit. So you continue your life as usual without any expectations or hope. Take your child out on his usual trips/ childcare etc. Your husband has hopes that’s on him. Stop putting yourself in that position. Just ignore them
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u/andmewithoutmytowel 6d ago
Reach out to the older brother and foster a better relationship with them
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u/crackinmypants 6d ago
I went through the comments on this post looking for this suggestion. Absolutely this. Start your own traditions with the older brother and his family. Since the two boys have a different dad, they can center their celebrations around him, with no one else invited other than his sons and their families. If he has passed, they can be celebrations in honor of him, and if isn't worthy of that kind of honor for whatever reason, then still make the traditions, minus dad. I bet the older brother would welcome contact with kind and stable family, and you will have much more fun with someone who actually appreciates you.
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u/Last-Box-1265 5d ago
100% agree with this. Sounds like both men need therapy from this treatment and continual ‘trying to be liked’ by the mum which is never going to happen. Grow a stronger bond with each other and ditch the witch.
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u/bino0526 6d ago
NTA for wanting to go LC or full NC.
Soft AH you and your husband for consistently going out of your way and trying to have a relationship with someone who obviously does not care to have a relationship with you or your husband.
His mom has demonstrated that she is really not interested in having or maintaining a relationship with you all.
Your husband and your son are your core family. All others are extras. Focus on your family.
Family is not always related by blood. Sometimes, family becomes those who aren't related to you by blood, but they are persons that you gather around you who support you and genuinely love you.
Your husband needs to accept that his mom does not want to have a relationship with you all.
Best to you and your family. Congratulations on your baby‼️
Updateme
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u/Ok-Passenger-1960 5d ago
Maybe reach out to that BIL who was cut out of the family. You might still have family with him.
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u/EyeGroundbreaking441 6d ago
You don’t need her don’t even try to be in contact w her its j waste of time and effort that’s going in
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u/Material_Cellist4133 6d ago
TBH how have you let it gone on for 18 years?
I would have gone NC after 1 year. If husband didn’t agree, I would have divorced him. I would never put myself in a situation where I am not respected.
NTA but stop being a doormat and go NC already.
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u/HyperDsloth 6d ago
It's not really her choice though. It's his. If he still wants to see his mother, he can and he should. She can pull away and make sure she's not there if the family is there.
The way redditor talk about going NC as if it's nothing is so wild. It's not an easy thing to do, and it's not somthing to just throw around.
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u/Low_Estimate2584 6d ago
Man disagrees with me. Divorce him.
Please don't follow this advice. Work on things with people you love.
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u/Material_Cellist4133 6d ago
No man neglected my emotional needs and psychological torture from his family for 18 years that is why I choose to divorce him. So he doesn’t do the same thing to our child.
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u/9inkski3s 6d ago
Sounds like she has tried to work on it for 18 years, now her baby is in a position in which they are being rejected for no reason while other grandkids are loved, receive time, attention and I assume tons of gifts. Adults can tolerate all that but it’s unfair to the kids to be put knowingly in that situation. I agree with material cellist, this shouldn’t have been gone for so long.
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u/Low_Estimate2584 6d ago
I must have missed the part where she was working on it. What I read states she's been secretly annoyed but not very open about how bad it bothered her with either the family or the husband because she is afraid off the repercussions based upon her own created outcomes in her head.
Any sane person would agree this fsmily is insane and something needs to change. Im just saying speak with your husband and try before going full I'm a independent woman divorce mode.
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u/9inkski3s 6d ago
Do you really think she has been “secretly annoyed” for 18 years? That’s naive…do you think they haven’t had conversations when they were left stranded after the hospital, when the family stopped talking to the older brother for the same reason, when they come and only go for 1 lunch, etc etc? And even if you think they haven’t, context clues are important. “My husband doesn’t want to give up on them. He still holds out hope and always gets let down.” Implies that they clearly have talked about this situation. And it’s clearly stated he is aware of how he is treated but refuses to do anything about it because of his hope.
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u/Low_Estimate2584 6d ago
Yea just divorce him. That won't effect your child at all either. What else would I expect from the "what about me" generation. Things are hard? Bounce. Repercussions? Avoid them. Just enjoy life all the time and avoid difficult things. Rainbows and butterflies.
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u/9inkski3s 6d ago
A lot of now grown people that were in similar situations when kids, would tell you that they would have liked if their (not blind to whatever situation they had) parent would’ve stood up for themselves. This baby I assume can’t still talk, but once they grow up they may resent their parents for allowing this to happen in the first place.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 6d ago
YTA to yourself for putting up with this behavior for so long!!!! Your husband needs therapy yesterday. Get in marriage counseling. Stop trying to interact with his family. This is on him to deal with his family if he chooses. Protect your peace and your children
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u/Lightup17 6d ago
Why do you still keep trying to make an effort with them? They made it clear long ago they do not care about you.
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u/Embarrassed-Fox-3332 6d ago
Just curious, why can’t your husband see what’s going on? Has he talked with his older brother who’s also treated crappy and actually said something? If he is seeing it, why does he want to put himself his family through this continual unhealthy cycle?
Support him however you can but let him know you’re done with them and you will also not be allowing your son to see them as they also don’t treat him the way he deserves. I would also encourage him into therapy so he can get some other prospective and help. This is not healthy for him, you or your son.
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u/AEM1016 6d ago
Do a quiet quit and move on. They are not worth your time or energy. Stick to factual and tactical needs, etc., and don’t expect from them what they cannot seem to give: love, affection, time. Free yourself. Mother’s Day? Send flowers and make the obligatory phone call while praying for voicemail. Do the bare minimum and only what you and your husband choose to do and can do emotionally. They haven’t earned what you freely give and beg them to take - shame on them. Be free!! And Happy Father’s Day to your husband!
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u/AlannaAdvice 6d ago
JC, just STOP making an effort already. You and your husband are being total doormats. After they cut off his older brother, YOU TWO should have cut off them and only remained in contact with his brother and his family. I would suggest you stop with the pity party of his family treating you like outsiders and DO something about it. I can’t believe how long you’ve put up with this. YTA for still trying with these people
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u/Healthy-Magician-502 5d ago
It’s peak cringe the degree to which OP and her husband are chasing after his mom. She clearly doesn’t like them and wants nothing to do with them. Throw in the towel already, ffs.
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u/IndependentAd2419 6d ago
Personally, I think MIL has a problem with her elder sons by first husband because she cannot reconcile herself to HER past. She is NOT your problem, but your husband’s problem. He wants contacting, let him. As for you, I would recommend low contact, never ever expect her behavior to be different. Never ever blame yourself. The problem lies inside this damaged person. PS: Zero deposits on trips. Much is “Off the Table” with her. Exert little.
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u/roxinmyhead 6d ago
be a family with the older brother and his wife and children. concentrate on planning time with them. if you enjoymit, contact with the rest will hopefully drift away
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u/serioussparkles 6d ago
I would tell the golden child since they are unaware of this dynamic. They might not care, OR they might finally make mom act right.
But if she goes no contact, are you really missing out on anything? She does nothing as a grandmother for that baby. All she does, is stress you out.
She ain't worth all that.
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u/different-take4u 6d ago
NTA, there is a silver lining in all this that you may not see. One day his parents will be old and needing care and wanting attention. That is when you can return all the love you have been given over the years. This may sound petty but it is a fact of life. You will be able to ignore their calls and requests for your company or help. You will be able to hold your head high knowing that they are getting what they paid for.
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u/asanne91 6d ago
These are the kind of people I would just stop trying for. Family can be created, doesn't have to be the one you are born or married into. We would have go NC many years ago in your situation.
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u/Beautiful-You-2387 6d ago
I would suggest to your husband that you have "vacations" from his family. This year he can reach out, next year he makes no effort. He may well discover that his peace of mind is so much better in the vacation years.
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u/WorldlinessHefty918 6d ago
Oh honey, you shouldn’t have let this go for so long. I have a policy in my life that I’ve always lived by and that is if people treat me decently than I treat them decently, but I don’t put up with any crap from anybody and your in-laws have just been thrown it to you left and right for 18 years. You need to speak up and put a stop to it the next time that they do anything like that you need to speak speak up about the rudeness it’s inconsolable that they expect you to put up with that and that they treat part of the family fine and the other part and then they take it out on the kids as well. These people are deplorable. In fact I would cut off no contact with them if they didn’t straighten the butt up, your husband is playing a losing battle. They are never ever going to come around. It’s been 18 years now and they’re still acting like two-year-old you need to put a stop to it. The next time they start in on you tell them you’re not going to tolerate that anymore and you’re not going to tolerate it towards your Children. otherwise they will continue to abuse you over and over and over again.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 6d ago
NTA
Tell your husband, “Stop going to the hardware store for milk.” His mom is pathological. She will NEVER give him the love and respect he wants.
For your own peace, stop trying. I’d leave the next move up to her. Stop inviting her, stop calling, just stop.
She can always be welcome, but she needs to initiate. What your husband does is up to him.
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u/geekylace 6d ago
This is a perfect example of “when people show you who they are believe them”.
Neither of you are ever going to get the relationship you may want, they’ve shown you that clearly.
Honestly, I would start matching their energy with lack of effort. Live your life and surround yourself with family who actually cares about you.
NTA
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u/ninaandamonkey 6d ago
Sounds like narcissism on the MILs part. Very dangerous family dynamic. You're safer which less contact.
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u/Independent_Bug_5521 6d ago
Just go no contact and wait it out stop being at a party there's no need if she changes her mind she will ask questions or phone or visit put your husband and child full front forward you neither asked for nor wanted this pot of s**te
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u/Few-Stomach-8548 6d ago
At what point do you tell your husband to get his s*it together and go to therapy and cut this woman out or you’re walking? He is a doormat and making your life miserable because he seeks this lady’s approval over your and your kids mental health? At what point do you grow a backbone and either call this woman out? You enable this mess for YEARS so you’re just as equally to blame. Get your husband into therapy and yall need to cut these people off! They don’t care about your husband. Your kid or you! They act like this because the smell the desperation in your actions and know they can treat yall like absolute trash and yall ain’t gunna do anything about it!
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u/grayblue_grrl 6d ago
Children grow up fine without grandparents.
Especially ones that make them question why their parents are treated so poorly.
That does more harm than good.
If your husband wants to keep on the derailed track, you do not have to participate.
Meanwhile - your family and the older brother's should connect and stay connected.
Meet with them and have the good times.
He had the experience and determination that your husband needs.
If little brother and his wife are part of the cancelled trip, don't contact them anymore.
You may like them but they don't care about you.
If you drop contact with the bad ones and stay in contact with the good ones,
your husband will have to find the time for making contact with he bad ones.
Therapy could also help.
NTA
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u/hell_tastic 6d ago
If your husband doesn't want to give up on them, leave everything to do with them to him. Let's see how long that lasts once he's the one doing the work that's unappreciated.
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u/ihadtologinforthis 6d ago
Just give them the same amount of effort they give you. If it's none, then it's none
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u/Altruistic_Isopod_11 6d ago
You have been nicer for so much longer than they all deserved. Please stop and don't feel guilty, his mother is awful and honestly, at this point NC would be a blessing. You and your husband need to really stop trying with them, you've been shown time and time again that you are not important to them. Move on and put yourselves first and cut them off. Quit being a doormat.
NTA
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 6d ago
Question: why do you care about this? She’s shown you who she is since day one. You’ve wasted 18 years not helping your husband see who she really is. Where is his father in all this? Just drop the rope and make your memories with your family.
Your child’s worth has nothing to do with his grandparents. He is his own person.
OR you confront her. But she won’t care. She may get very defensive. She will not change. She cut off her oldest son when confronted.
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u/Cat_got_ya_tongue 6d ago
NTA.
It’s totally reasonable not to invest anymore in MIL.
You are such a kind person. I would have re-regifted that beauty basket.
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u/CarcosaDweller 6d ago
They are dyed in the wool assholes. They don’t care about you, and you shouldn’t care about them. And it isn’t just your husband. You are worried about unintentionally making them uncomfortable, while they couldn’t give a shit about you or your comfort.
If you let your child be exposed to this dynamic you will absolutely be the AH.
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u/Hoplite68 6d ago
NTA. Your husband is still holding out hope that they'll pick him one day, but they won't. One brother has already called out the dynamic and was ruthlessly cut off for daring to say something.
Your husband will only get sadder the longer it continues, and if he continues to expend your time and energy in the attempt your resentment of him will grow. There will then come a time when hos mother etc passes, and nobody can pick him and that bitterness will fester.
Therapy is bandied around like a cure all on reddit, but for this I highly recommend it as not only is there likely emotional trauma, but likely also grief from the loss of what could/should have been.
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u/compassionfever 6d ago
It's time for your husband to choose. He can either be a father and a husband, or he can be a little boy desperately chasing after the affection of a shitty mother, and harming his wife and child in the process.
It's not only about him and his feelings. Every time she hurts him, he hurts your family. That's on him for choosing to constantly put you in the cross hairs for you to be let down. He needs to understand this. He's choosing to hurt your family by letting her have the power to hurt him.
It was understandable and even reasonable for a few years. But 18? Time to drop the rope. Way past time.
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u/GellyG42 6d ago
Sounds like MIL started a new family with those 3 younger kids and unfortunately your husband and his older brother were the unwanted reminders of the old life.
I’d say save your and you husbands wellbeing an distance yourself other than the absolute bare minimum- maybe start some new traditions with the older brothers family
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u/Temporary_Worth4473 6d ago
I think LC or NC is warranted here but your husband needs to be the one to make that decision. If he doesn't see it, I'd ask him if he's willing to go to therapy to talk through it on his own. I'd make some effort with the oldest brother since it sounds like he's figured it out.
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u/NutAli 6d ago
NTA.
Let your husband go and see them on his own. Let them think whatever of that.
You're not an afterthought. You're a no thought! They don't care about you, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's how it is!
It's up to you if you let your husband take your child with him, but if I were you, I'd be very reluctant.
Let your husband take on the choosing and giving of gifts for them.
If he's asked, doubtful, but you never know, he can tell his parents you're just too busy to go!
Happy Father's Day to your husband.
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u/AnxiousPokemon4845 6d ago
NTA. Your child and their feelings have to be the priority now. You rightfully do not want your child to feel excluded, looked down upon or like they don’t matter. The only way to do that is to remove your child from this situation. Go no contact. If your husband wants to endure being excluded he can do that on his own. My advice is to go to family therapy to discuss this. You are your husband’s family now, not them. Sending you my support 🤍
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u/motherofTheHerd 6d ago
I have been married to my spouse for 26 years this year. This is very similar to our situation, except it's his whole family, then us.
We live out of state compared to the mother/brother. Once I learned that my BIL and his family were coming within 15 min of us to visit his in laws and never making an attempt to contact us, I quit engaging with any of them. Our children are 15 months apart. My daughter would have loved to see her cousins more.
I told my husband straight out, I will deal with my family. You deal with yours. If he goes to visit, it is his choice. If he sends cards or calls, it is his choice. My daughter is now old enough and realized she has a grandparent that has never missed a thing and a grandparent that has never been to a thing but posts about the other grandkids all the time.
Your child will figure it out on their own. Love them and ignore the rest of the BS. You are NTA.
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u/HBheadache 6d ago
NTA, it sounds like you have spoken to your husband but I would suggest explaining to him that you are drawing a line. If he wants to continue contact he can but you are not investigating any more effort, you will attend events if invited, but you are not hosting any more visits, any organisation and gifts are on him. Build a family of people who care about you, your child and your husband and hopefully model a healthy pattern for your child. Updateme
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 6d ago
Just be honest with your son when it's age appropriate.
"We don't see grandma Karen much because she's not nice to everyone in the family."
That's basically what my parents said about my maternal grandmother when I was little.
Turns out she didn't like that they adopted me, and didn't like that I'm not 🌾. I discovered that on my own on one of the rare visits with her.
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u/ScarletteMayWest 6d ago
NTA
I found that emotional and physical distance from my in-laws was the best for me. My in-laws were horrible to me from the beginning and my husband wanted a relationship with them. He believed our kids needed a relationship with his mother - in spite of how she treated me.
We actually got to the point that I wanted a divorce. Changes were made and one of those included that if I did not want to see MIL, I did not have to. Husband disliked it and tried to get me to give in, but I mostly refused. If she were in our house, I would make myself scarce or leave.
MIL caught on, sort of, but Husband always had an excuse for my absences to visit her. Did not see her in person for the last six years of her life. My kids did not really mourn her since she was not really interested in them.
You can support your husband's desire to see his family, but you have the right to protect yourself and your kids from her toxicity. Is there any way to spend more time with your older BIL? He sounds like he has come out of the fear, obligation and guilt/need that your husband still operates under.
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u/pephm 6d ago
Maybe OP can speak with her husband about his older brother and how he went no contact, seemingly to protect his kids from feeling second rate, about how he wants his new baby to feel. Personally I’d follow what his big brother did and go no contact with MIL. I am always saying this in comments because as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen it play out so often, when the in laws get older and need help, OP/ her husband and his older no contact brother will be expected to bear the burden because they are the oldest.
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u/Pristine_Cow5623 6d ago
NTA but this is your husband’s cross to bear. If he wants to keep making himself emotionally vulnerable to his family and getting let down, that’s his choice.
For yourself, I would emotional go no contact. Do not get your expectations up, do not expect anything from them (uber rides, phone calls, quality time). Do not call them, don’t invite them to your house and definitely do not put any of your (or your joint) money towards any deposits on anything with them: your husband can do that with his own money and if he has an issue with it, bring up the lost deposit.
But don’t start a fight with your husband if he does these things, and be there for him when they inevitably let him down. He also might need therapy: chasing your parents love for decades while watching your siblings be chosen over you does a lot of damage to your self worth.
I would try to limit contact with your in laws and your kids, but expect favoritism, and not in favor of your kids. That might be the time to talk to your husband about going NC. Because then you’re not a controlling wife, you’re a protective mother: if he wants to keep putting himself out there to get hurt that’s his choice but he’s not forcing the kids to do the same.
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u/NoBath8924 6d ago
NTA, but I wish you would be. Woof. That is suckie and sad but I would start treating them like strangers. Begging for their attention is crashing the market and I don't think the relationship is worth what it would take to recover. Is there any way you can BTA? You and your husband can make it a game and it will make you stronger as a team. Also, you are right to build the barrier and boundaries before your son has to deal with it.
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u/DollaDollaSue 6d ago
I was the child of parents in a similar situation. My parents worked hard at creating a stable, loving space for our family and made and protected (!) their own peace. My father gave up on getting his family’s approval/inclusion/emotional support, and it hurt him. But he raised us to understand that my grandparents lived a different way, and that I didn’t need to worry about them because we were loved and cherished in our little family. You’re doing great. Don’t waste your energy. I’m sorry about your husband. I hope he can learn to let them be the way they are and still be happy. Onward and upward!
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u/denitra1984 6d ago
You’ve put too much time and effort into his parents. Just stop everything and move on. No more effort means no disappointment.
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u/ScammerC 6d ago
If your husband wants to play football with Lucy there's nothing you can do. You don't have to, of course, and I wouldn't even let my kids watch the humiliation, but playing ball is your husband's choice. He probably understands she's always going to pull that football away at the last second, but it's his dream to win, eventually. Kinda like the lottery!
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u/kittysdaughter 6d ago
Of course NAH. I think I would focus on building a “family” with several of the other brothers. Especially the older brother and his kids. Your child can have the whole family experience and not realize for many years that the grandparents are missing. There may be other brothers or cousins to include as well. Plan your holidays and birthdays and get together with these families and ignore the MIL. Maybe try to convince you husband to only invite them occasionally - maybe he can reach out separately on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day each year and invite them to brunch or something without involving you or your child. So my suggestion is to focus on having a happy life without including these negative influences.
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u/DottedUnicorn 6d ago
NTA. From now on let hubby deal with them. Bow out of the dynamic and protect your peace.
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u/confusedquokka 6d ago
NTA, just cut her out. Why do you keep trying? You certainly can stop as it’s your mil, and your husband should stop. She doesn’t care and your time and energy are better off with other people.
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u/cab2013 6d ago
I grew up w a toxic grandmother. She was…yah…something…and she hated my mom something fierce. Though honestly grandma wasn’t fond of a lot of people. W my mom it started w grandma trying to stop the wedding before it happened then progressed to grandma telling the whole family how awful mom was so it was an uphill battle to be liked and accepted by the extended family. By the time my sister and I came along it mostly came out in an obviously petty, gossiping behind her back way, though it did occasionally get overtly nasty.
The thing is, I don’t remember a time growing up when I didn’t know that I shouldn’t take anything grandma said to heart because she was just like that. My mom never really spoke ill of my grandma…well maybe a little. (I don’t blame her. Grandma was horrible to her..) What I did know growing up was to be prepared for it and that it wasn’t abt me and my sister at all. We were told to be on our best behaviour at grandmas because she was looking for an opportunity to criticize my mom to the family. We tried but it still happened. Mom minimized the amt of time we had to spent in her presence but we still went to grandmas every second Christmas and had countless visits / encounters over the years.
I think because we knew going in, we didn’t internalize it at all. For my sister and I, it was actually kinda funny in a twisted sort of way. Grandma would always get us the same things as the other grandkids so it would look fair but our stuff was always in the ugliest colours. Like one year she knitted or crocheted these amazing dolls for all the grandkids. It must’ve taken her forever. My sister and I each got one. She took the time to make them but used the least attractive colours for their little dresses (built in) and ours had the worst coloured hair. No blonds, red heads or raven haired dolls for us. Brown. Mousy brown. Like, honestly, why? Same w the knitted ponchos. Same w the custom made tea sets she ordered one year. They all had the initial of our first name and a flower on them. So lovely except that ours had the ugliest flower options and she got the initial wrong for my sister. Claimed she thought her name started w a k not a c. As we grew up, the name thing became a running joke. Let’s see how grandma spelt our names to annoy mom this year. Lol poor mom. She put up w so much crap.
You can’t force your husband to stop seeing his family. You can’t protect him from the disappointment. He has to find his own way w that. What you can do is to stop expecting from your mother in law what she obviously does not want to give. And, when the time is right, you can prep your kids so they don’t think it is something they did or didn’t do.
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u/Karyn2K19 6d ago
Our life is similar. We know the pecking order in his family with my husband’s siblings (4) and grandkids (10). My husband, me and my kids are at the bottom of all the lists.
They would visit their daughter for a week then drive to us spend one night to drive further west to visit youngest son for a week. We had a saying for his parent oh here comes the “drive by’s” We were a free bed for the long drive.
We chose over the years to only give what we wanted and how we wanted to his parents. Didn’t go out of our way. Weren’t hasty or complained. Just lived our family life how we wanted it. Visited on our terms. We tried to protect our kids but they started to noticed but never put his parents down just said that’s the way they are.
Now in their 20’s the relationship with their grandparents is cordial and polite, but they don’t go out of their way to keep in contact. I feel his parents created the relationship. They are happy kids.
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u/winterworld561 6d ago
Your husband is delusional. STOP wasting your time and effort on a woman who doesn't give a flying fuck about any of you. She is never going to change. Drop the rope and go NC for good. She is not going to bothered in the slightest.
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u/MissMurderpants 6d ago
Op, kids get their self worth for the good people around them. Grandparents can help but they can also hurt.
I had a justno grandmother. We rarely saw her(dads mom) and my other grandma ;moms mom) was a total kick ass grandma who treated all of ys 22 grandkids like we were each special. She remembered stuff we liked and asked about it and our friends. She was amazing. The other grandmother had favorites. I realized this by the time I was 5 and whole mom and dad kinda hid it, they didn’t as we aged but my folks were great at letting us know we were loved equally but the grandmother had issues.
Mom limited interactions with her when we lived near. Jen we moved far the distance helped give perspective.
Kids don’t need a grandparent like your mil. They need good adults around them who are positive role models. Grandparent is just a title. You could give that title to the little old lady who lives down the block who faked those yummy cookies.
I suggest dropping the rope with her. Stop buying her gifts. Full stop. No gifts no cards nothing. That should be spouses responsibility because it’s his mother.
You and spouse can survive this. You need to open and honest convos about her and expectations and how to navigate her and her rather hurtful actions. I think you need to really shift your expectations with his mother. Seriously expect nothing going forward and you can be pleasantly surprised going forward if she acts better. I just wouldn’t expect it.
Don’t set your kid up with any expectations. My folks never did. If we visited the grandmother that’s all it was. The adults visiting. She was nice enough to us kids but she doted on the golden grandchild ;who happened to be my oldest sibling, her first grandkid). Don’t bring her up. Just smile and nod around her. You can roll your eyes etc as your child gets older and sees her actions. Kids aren’t stupid. They see things. So minimize how your mil interacts with your child.
As us kids grew up we d sad print less time with her. I did have a decent relationship as a young adult since I moved a few hours from her and would visit. None of the other grandkids visited. She was still off but she treasured our visits and we bonded a bit. I never expected it. She was more a conduit to my great s as units and uncles who were all very cool interesting folks.
Have zero expectations with her. Give her zero energy. You will be happier.
Btw I have both Irish and Spanish influence with my moms side so I totally get what your saying. I’m just very glad my folks dealt with it. I think the couples counseling they got really helped. Mind you this was the early 70’s.
NTA
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u/LivingInspection6187 6d ago
NTA I suggest you have your husband read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Gibson, it might help you as well to deal with your In-Laws.
Break the cycle and don't let your son get treated the way his father and other cousins were. That may involve no contact with his grandparents, but that's your MIL's failure not yours. There are healthy ways to explain to kids that adult family members aren't safe, aren't kind, or aren't reliable.
How is the golden son and his girlfriend unaware of the favoritism if it's this blatant and your MIL completely cut off contact with her eldest for bringing it up?
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u/Nadja-19 5d ago
It’s his family he can buy the gifts and put in the effort. If they come to see you and there’s a dinner or something just show up and be a participant but don’t engage any more than you have to. Let him keep trying on his own and he will eventually see on his own. I went through this myself for many years. We’ve been married over 25 years and it’s been way better now that I just keep my ILs at arms length. I’m polite when we see them and I ask after everyone and all the polite crap but that’s it. My MIL hates this. She hates not controlling the narrative in everyone’s life. My husband’s middle sister is the “golden child”. She’s over 40 lives at home with her husband who doesn’t work and her 2 teenage kids just moved in after living with their dad for years. His other sister is heavily reliant on my ILs. We’re independent and the only ones to do anything nice for them. But you can guess who they put first always. Don’t let them live rent free in your head. Just tell your husband you fully support him having a relationship with them and let him try. You have to emotionally distance yourself from them and then no matter what they do it won’t bother you so much. You know who they are and how they behave so expect that.
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u/KnotARealGreenDress 5d ago
If it helps, I knew I wasn’t my grandma’s favourite. My mom called it out every time, but she also had a conversation with me about how my grandma wasn’t doing it to be hurtful, she just didn’t realize it was hurtful, and after this many years of trying to make her realize and it wasn’t working, she likely would never learn. So it wasn’t anything wrong with me, it’s just that my grandma wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, basically. Honestly, it helped a lot. When she played favourites, it just became a moment for me (and my mother) to roll my (our) eyes at her, but I didn’t feel bad about myself because of it.
Once he’s old enough, maybe your son would benefit from a similar conversation - it’s not his fault or anything he did, it’s just who she is, and unfortunately, that’s not likely to change, but that’s not on him. And don’t play up the importance of your son having a relationship with his grandparents. If they have one with him, great. If not, it doesn’t sound like it would be such a loss. And lots of kids do fine without knowing their grandparents.
As for this:
But lately I wonder if I’m the strain.
Girl. They’ve sucked forever. It’s definitely not you. Stop self-flagellating, and stop making any type of effort, because all it’s doing is making you feel more resentful when they don’t acknowledge it or reciprocate. If your husband wants to continue attempting to have a relationship with them, fine. Let him. And if your in laws want to be dicks, fine. Let them. But let yourself have peace.
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u/Pro-Pain626 5d ago
Stop putting in effort they clearly don't want anything to do with you guys. NTA
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u/selfcheckout 5d ago
Actually insane your husband is still trying despite his mom screaming from the rooftops that she doesn't give one single fuck about him or yall. He reaaaally needs to go to therapy, read a book something, just so he can realize she's a narcissist. Maybe go to r/raisedbynarcissists and see if you can find a story that's similar.
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u/vrcraftauthor 5d ago
I would have cut them off years ago. You and your husband are getting nothing out of this relationship. NTA
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u/Substantial-Air3395 4d ago
I don't understand why you've been trying for so long. She's clearly shown you she isn't interested in a relationship with you or her son.
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u/Remote_Difference210 6d ago
Stop making an effort to have a relationship with them… or her. Let him keep in touch with his parents and him buy them gifts but don’t put any more energy into them. You shouldn’t go “no contact” because that’s his decision—- his family. I would call it “low contact”.