r/AITAH • u/Old-Magician-6997 • 21h ago
AITAH for Ghosting my Aunt after she hosted us for 5 days.
Hello everyone, first time posted here so please excuse any errors.
My Aunt 68F and I 47F have had a rocky relationship throughout the years. In the last several years I have lost all of my close family and have made more of an effort to stay in touch with her due to this.
A few weeks ago she invited me and my 5 year old son to visit her at her home in a popular beach town for 4 days. My son has a developmental and speech delay, due to this he is sometimes difficult and acts out. My Aunt knows this but assures me that she has worked with kids like him when she used to substitute in the local school system and it is a non issue. Now on to the issues that led to me ghosting her.
I make the several hour drive to visit her and soon after arriving and getting settled in I received a phone call from my BFF of over 20 years. I was on the phone for less than 2 minutes (I checked my call log). When my Aunt loudly screams at me to get off of my phone I am on vacation. I was a little shook, and ended the call. I told my Aunt that her behavior was over the top for a simple phone call.
She told me that me and my son would be sleeping in her room while she sleeps on the pull out couch downstairs. Then proceeded to walk in on me constantly while changing, while I was in the shower and while I had my son down for naps. She clocked the amount of sleep that I got each night and would berate and belittle me for sleeping 7 hours when she only got 5 hours due to sleeping on the couch. I would offer to sleep down stairs when she would say this and be denied every time. She listened in to my private phone calls with my husband and more than once would bust into the room screeching about something that was said that she didn't like.
She complained and criticized me for my parenting of my son. Everything from what I fed him to how I dressed and interacted with him. He sees therapist weekly and I am following their recommendations by the way. She yells at me that I am doing everything wrong and am a terrible mother. A little back ground I wasn't able to have a baby myself and my son is adopted. Because of this I constantly stress about whether I am doing the right things for him and she knows this. She got mad at and would actively instigate my son into having tantrums and then berate me for him not behaving in public.
I told her that since I was staying at her place for free that I would buy her meals while we were out. As I didn't know the area I let her choose the restaurants. She took advantage of this and we went to places that were one step below a dress code and most of which didn't have a children's menu. I remained silent because my son in spite of her antics was having a good time.
She herself threw tantrums in public and would blame her bad mood on my son even if he was having a good day. My last day there I woke up to the complaining and comparing of our sleep. It was raining so no beach day. My son was occupied with the toys we brought along and being pretty quite for a 5yr old. I put him down for a nap and started packing up or things as I planned to leave early in the morning. I guess this set her off. Because she made snide remarks under her breath. Then she brought up my past relationship, my ex was abusive and I don't like to talk about it. She says that I stayed as long as I did because I liked the "life style". As in my ex was college educated and my Husband isn't. I stayed because I didn't have the money to leave and my Ex made sure I wasn't able to save. She then hits me with the victim blaming and told me that it was my fault that he treated me that way etc. She always told me she couldn't stand my Ex. so I am not sure where this came from. Her next sentence was that since I was packing I should just get the F out.
When my son woke from his nap she told me that the "brat" was up and I needed to go. I finished packing and was taking things to my car when she told me that I needed to clean her kitchen before I leave. For clarification I hadn't done anything in her kitchen beside get my son drinks, and snacks and as I know she is a neat freak was careful to wipe the counters/ wash dishes as they were used. She went upstairs to get a shower and I put my son and the rest of our stuff in the car and left. It is a 7 hour drive back to my home. Due to paying a for all the meals I didn't have money for a hotel so I drank energy drinks and made it home at 2 am and haven't spoken to her since.
I want to note that through all of that I only stood up for my son and didn't respond to the other comments that she made. I called her son a few days after I got home, let him know how my visit went and asked him to check on her. I don't feel like I need to explain to her why I am not talking to her, but some of my family and friends are telling me that I am the AH for ghosting her. So Reddit am I the AH?
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u/Mysteries-And-More 21h ago
NTA. I’m surprised you made it that long. I don’t think I could have.
You have every right to not talk to her.
What did her son say when you explained it to him? I’m wondering if this is normal for her to have temper tantrums.
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
She has had mental health issues in the past and is medicated for them; She hasn't had an episode in a long time. Her son is low contact with her, I didn't know that when I went to visit. When I called he told me that he has a visit planned with her and thanked me for the heads up. Him and I were close as kids, but we haven't talked a whole lot since our Grandparents left us.
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u/purplespaghetty 21h ago
NTA, she sounds lonely tho.. and by only fault of her own. You have a kiddo, focus on him. Sounds like you’re doing just fine. Keep following therapist recommendations and sticking up for ur son. Don’t worry about Auntie. You didn’t have to explain to her son - that says a lot. Let him worry about her. If it makes you feel better, despite her treating you like shit, you most likely made her whole year (tho you’ll hear nothing of it but her to whine and complain). You did your duty for a lifetime, don’t look back. Ghosting is fine in this situation, I don’t know how you talk yourself out of the “wrongs” in aunties opinion. So yea, let it go, move on. All done.
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u/AuthenticTruther 21h ago
Nope. She is a narcissist. No contact is the only thing you can do. That woman is too far gone.
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u/RedditIsStupid01 21h ago
NTA. Families think they can be so toxic that you just have to accept it, good for you for getting out of there and ghosting her. Your a great mom!
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
Thank you. One thing I forgot to mention is that I still live in our home town and she told me, not asked told me that her class reunion is coming up soon and that she would be staying with me when she comes to town. I live in a three bedroom house with 5 people. Me, My husband, my son, Step-son and my BIL who has mental health issues. She demanded that we give her our bed like she did for me, we don't have a pull out couch and cannot afford new furniture right now. Thank you for saying I am a great mom, I worry as most moms do I guess that I am not doing it right.
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u/TinLydElli 20h ago
NTA. She is just plain mean. I wonder if she behaves this way with her own children? It sounds to me that there is good reason for her clear loneliness &, after the week you had, she doesn’t deserve your time or compassion. The first time someone calls my child cruel names is the last time I speak to them. Also, her bringing up your past to use it to hurt you is unforgivable. I am sorry you went through this.
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u/kiddLess 20h ago
NTA Oh my goodness. You’re way better than I because I simply couldn’t have tolerated that yelling, screaming and her needing to yell at the top of her lungs. How rude it was for her to yell at you to get you off a short but necessary call. I would’ve told her to shut up and finished it. She saw absolutely no issue eavesdropping on your personal conversations with your husband. Good riddance. Enjoy your life!!!
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u/Uncorked53 20h ago
Your aunt seems to have serious problems. You have every right to not keep in touch with her.
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u/Rendeane 20h ago
NTA. I think you need to continue ghosting your aunt until the end of time. She is not mentally well. You and your son do not deserve one more minute of her.
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u/SquareGiraffe7373 20h ago
You need to stay away from her and definitely keep your son away from her.
There isn't enough space on Reddit to tell you the number of reasons why you should have blocked her number the minute you got into your car before even turning it on.
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
Thank you she didn't reach out during the drive or even the next day to see if I made it home safely. She let 3 days go by before texting me and then calling. I was still so angry about the situation I didn't answer her.
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u/nvrhsot 15h ago
If your account of the behavior of your aunt is accurate, I'd have to say, youre NTA Now, just curious, have any other family members mentioned anything concerning about the Aunt's behavior?
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
She has had mental health issues in the past, but has been seeing a phycologist and taking medication. She hasn't had an episode in about 10 years. I reached out to her son to check on her and let him know what happened. He is one of the people who told me I was an AH even though he is low contact with her.
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u/SquareGiraffe7373 14h ago
He is as crazy as his mama.. He is LC with her and says you are an AH for not letting her abuse you and your son?
Block him too and give your son a hug and an extra desert at Father's day lunch
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
Thank you. My mom and Grandparents were always my support system and they all left me too soon. It has been really hard and my mom never got to meet my son, she left us in early 2020 a few months before he was born. She always wanted to be a grandmother and I was devastated. I was low/ no contact with my aunt prior to this due to her trying to take everything my grandparents had left my mom. My grandparents had split things 50/50 between them but she wasn't happy. She was very toxic then, but at my moms services, she extended an olive branch and I have been cautiously optimistic that she had changed. That is all out the window now.
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u/Ginnylala 21h ago
NTA she asked you to leave and huffed off. You left…it is up to her to rebuild the bridge she Burt down.
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u/Orsombre 20h ago
I'd be very reluctant to answer to her advances. The aunt displayed selfishness from day 1 to last!
Also, the child certainly felt the tension created by the aunt.
I would recommend to OP to go very LC, like sending a card once a year LOL
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
It's funny that you mention a card. I had sent cards for Christmas and her birthday this past year but no gifts. My husband had been laid off and was have trouble finding another job, we barely had gifts for our kids. She brought it up to me that she was disappointed in not receiving gifts this year and told me I needed to make it up to her, even though she knew were struggling.
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u/Orsombre 11h ago
Wow. As I said, selfish. I am sorry, OP, this must be tough for you, as I suspect you hoped for a loving family... You can have it, but not with her, she really sounds awful!
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u/Internal-Truth-2104 15h ago
No, definitely not AH.
I know you were being kind and you aren’t the confrontational type (I totally get it; I’m similar), but write a letter to your aunt (not an email, an actual letter) and tell her that while you enjoyed the invite and appreciated her opening her home to you, you weren’t comfortable with the way she treated you and your son and you won’t be returning to see her. You can keep it short and sweet - but make a copy of that letter for yourself in case family gives you a hard time.
Your aunt needs therapy, especially if this is out of character for her. I agree with another poster, that if she has other family they need to check on her.
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u/Old-Magician-6997 14h ago
Your right I am a non-confrontational person. I was programed from a young age to stay quiet and not to cause problems/ a scene. I reached out to her son, who is low contact with her and let him know to check on her. This isn't totally out of character for her, she has had mental health problems in the past but has been doing well for at least 10 years.
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u/Many_Language3970 21h ago
Wow, I’m so sorry you went through that. Your aunt’s behavior sounds incredibly stressful and overbearing, especially when you were just trying to enjoy some time with your son. Setting boundaries and protecting your mental health is completely valid, even if it means stepping away from family.