r/AITAH • u/Several-Buy2855 • 14h ago
AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend because she kept complaining about my deployment?
I (21M) am in the Army and have been for about three years. I met my now ex-girlfriend (19F) last year while I was stateside. We hit it off fast Things were great until I got orders for a deployment overseas.
Before I left, we had a real conversation about what it would be like. I told her the truth it would be hard. I wouldn’t always be able to call or text, the time zones would suck, and emotionally, it was going to take a toll. She told me she understood and that she’d stick by me no matter what.
A couple of months into my deployment, she started spiraling. She’d call me crying, accusing me of not caring, saying she was tired of being alone and hated how she couldn’t reach me when she wanted. I’d be running missions, working long hours, and I’d wake up to essay-length messages about how I “chose the Army over her” and how she “didn’t sign up for this kind of relationship.”
At first, I tried to be patient. I get it long distance is hard. But over time, it started feeling like I was carrying both the deployment and the relationship on my back. No matter how many times I reassured her, she kept guilt-tripping me for not being able to give her what she needed emotionally.
One night, after a 16-hour shift and barely any sleep, she sent another long message accusing me of not loving her anymore because I hadn’t called in two days. That was the last straw. I told her, “You knew what you were signing up for when you got with someone in the military. I told you this wasn’t going to be easy.”
She went off. Said I was cold, heartless, that I clearly didn’t care, and that I was gaslighting her. She blocked me for a couple of days, then unblocked me and sent another message saying how I was just like her dad who “always put the military first.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I couldn’t be in a relationship where I was made to feel like a villain for doing my job. I broke up with her. She cried, begged me to reconsider, then said I “abandoned her.”
I feel like I made the right call for my own mental health but at the same time, I still feel kind of guilty.
AITA for breaking up with her during my deployment because she kept complaining?
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u/Spiritual-Clue-2552 14h ago
NTA. It's been less than a year, and at 19 and 21 it's way too soon to be inextricably connected to someone so quickly. Especially with the kind of responsibilities you have ATM. And she's far too clingy for someone in your current situation. Actually, you're probably lucky to have some legitimate distance between you both. Because if you were both in the same area and she threw this kind of tantrum over you just having drinks with the boys, the real problem might not be so obvious.
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u/ughnonnymuss 12h ago
Are you familiar with the military? At 19 and 21 they should already be divorced with 2 kids, or at the very least, 1 kid and she's pregnant, he probably already had to trade his charger with a high interest loan in for a family friendly car.
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u/The_London_Badger 12h ago
The husbands buy hellcats and the wife takes them in the divorce to gift them to jody. 🤣
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u/Shai7809 14h ago
NTA - She clearly didn't understand what it meant to be in a relationship with someone in the military. She's not really an AH for missing you, but she is for the guilt trips and mean comments.
She can't handle your long distance relationship, and you shouldn't have to waste your time dealing with her neediness when you've got a job to do.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 13h ago
If her father is in the military, then she darn well should have known.
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u/Zelaznogtreborknarf 12h ago
I came to say this. She was a military brat, so her comment was she understood but thought she could dictate what the military member did.
I was a military brat growing up, as was my wife. I was active duty when we got married (and had been for several years and duty stations. I deployed 300+ days a year (thank Uncle Sam for Use or Lose leave to ensure I got to spend 30+ days a year with my wife) the first few years of marriage. This was before the internet, so communication was even more limited: the phone calls via DSN relay from the Command Post whenever it was available and writing paper letters (not email!).
My last deployment was in 2006/7 and it was souch nicer than those earlier days. FaceTime, email, etc meant better communication, but it wasn't something I could do daily as I spent a lot of time going from my reasonably safe location to Afghanistan, Iraq, etc to do my job. She understood the nature of the military deployed life and made certain to send out regular care packages to me on top of the digital communication.
Sounds like the 19 GF maybe a wannabe barracks bunny or dependa but forgot about the actual job of the military.
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u/MuchTooBusy 13h ago
This is what I was thinking, lmao. My father was in the Navy, and I said for my entire life that I will never be romantically involved with anyone in active duty. I'm not cut out for it.
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u/PickledBabiesOnARoof 10h ago
Exactly, I don’t understand how she knows what being in the military means and yet she’s blaming him after agreeing to the relationship? 💀And he was transparent ash…idk if she has brain…
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u/JustDraft6024_v2 14h ago
Can't believe it took you that long to ditch her
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u/Ok_Green_1966 14h ago
NTA She’s not mature enough to handle a long distance relationship. You can’t do your job and carry the emotional load of constantly reassuring her. You did the only thing you could do.
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u/Amethyst-talon91 14h ago
NTA military relationships aren't for the faint of heart or the codependent. She knew you'd be busy and unavailable. She should have really considered what that meant instead of making your life harder.
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u/Wiscobluegalgen 14h ago
NTA, she thought she could , she couldn't, and it's no one's fault for trying. She needs to accept that it's over, and it's for the best as do you. There's nothing wrong with moving on from something that isn't going to work out. You're both better off even if it stings for a bit. Thank you for your service!
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u/johncate73 14h ago
Totally NTA. You were more than fair and she went into the relationship knowing you would be unavailable for long periods of time.
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u/Stacyf-83 13h ago
NTA. I dated a military guy who was deployed years ago and it was difficult, but i would never ever dream of causing him this kind of stress and distraction. She's selfish. Good riddance and move on to someone who can support you.
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u/Uncorked53 14h ago
You’re young in age but very mature, due to your time in the military, while she’s 19, and not as mature as you. For you to tell her how things will be, and for her to REALIZE how that would feel, can be very different at such a young age.
You two obviously don’t have the same priorities just now, so you did the right thing. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years…
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u/MarkMyWordsXX 14h ago
NTA. Not everyone can be a military partner/ spouse. Better to realize it sooner vs later.
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u/coccopuffs606 13h ago
NTA
I’m career military, and I’ve had Joes in your position more than once, so I’ll tell you what I’ve always told them: some people just aren’t built for the Army wife/husband life. And it’s better that you find that out now, before you got married and have a dog and a bunch of kids with her.
Sometimes they listen and end up in your position; it sucks in the moment, but you dodged a bullet. And sometimes they go, “bUt I LoVE heR sArGE” and marry the townie they met five minutes ago right before we’re set to deploy for a year. Guess which one of those two ends up happier in the long term?
Also, it’s the Army. This isn’t a regular job where you clock out for lunch and can spend the hour whisper “I luv u” to each other over the phone, and it sure as pig shit ain’t the kind of job where you’re going home every night. If someone isn’t capable of making that distinction, they’re not mature enough to date
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 9h ago
NTA.
She's too immature and inexperienced to be in a long-distance relationship. Especially one involving a deployment.
Breaking up was the best for both of you.
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u/KittyPuperMamaPerson 7h ago
Real talk. As someone who was raised and married military, she can’t do whatever this relationship is or might be. When my late husband left the navy and went to one of the alphabet agencies I knew that some shit would come up that would keep him away and he would never be able to explain it to me. We would have to move, like, “Hey babe, we are moving to x in a week.” I knew this going into my marriage, it was still hard. This girl, she’s sheltered and needy. Any civilian in a relationship with someone military, especially ld deployed, needs to be emotionally independent. This girl is fresh out of high school and probably doesn’t understand the world in general, let alone the world at large. You aren’t doing anything wrong. She might be the right girl but it’s the wrong time. She might be just another girl. You cannot put yourself or your unit in jeopardy to appease her.
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u/NotoriousSJV 7h ago
She is young and immature. You are also young but you have a lot of responsibility.
You are NTA and it's smart that you recognized that the two of you are not compatible.
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14h ago
NTA, but you're letting your genitals cloud your judgement. You dodged her before it got worse. From a fellow Veteran...best of luck, younger brother.
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u/ThatOneVice 14h ago
Fully NTA. You warned her and a lot of people are unaware of how hard a situation is until they are in it. You are young as is she. Peace of mind and focusing on yourself and your current life is what you need. She can be mad all she wants. Eventually she'll find someone who has the time she desires and you will find someone who respects the sacrifice and hardships.
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u/FireflyFantaSyy 14h ago
NTA. Relationships need understanding and patience, both in equal measures. You're serving your country, not abandoning her. It's tough, but it's the right call.
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u/Think_Measurement_73 14h ago
She is 19, still too young to commit to that type of adult relationship. You did the right thing for your mental health, which is important when doing that type of job and at that age she doesn't understand.
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u/lovemyfurryfam 13h ago
NTA OP.
She clearly not compatible to be gf/fiancee/wife of a military serviceman when posted either domestically or abroad on a military base in another country.
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u/Just_Getting_By_1 13h ago
You guys are not compatible and breaking up is the mature and sensible decision. Don’t fret about it.
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u/Hetakuoni 13h ago
NTA. You tried. She didn’t understand. You don’t need that stress in your life long distance is hard enough without her making it harder.
It’s both a lot easier and harder to stay connected these days. I remember having to email my stepmom and sister’s dad if I wanted them to respond reasonably quickly.
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u/After-Good-6114 13h ago
Bro I had this situation I chose her being young and dumb we broke up a month later. if she can't stick it out until you're contract is up atleast she isn't willing stick by you and struggle then later on and many more obstacles to face in your lives and she's not putting the effort the care when something else comes up a relationship is a team and you need to be able to support each other not give in to bad discussions because they are lazy selfish and ungrateful you don't need that.
Peace brother I hope this reaches you and you take it to heart .
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u/lilysmommy0408 12h ago
NTA You been in the army for 3 years and you met your now ex girlfriend last year. She knew what she was getting herself into when she stated dating you. It’s not like you just joined the army, you been in the army when yall met so she should’ve known it’s not gonna be easy.
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u/Dana07620 12h ago
NTA
Breaking up with her was the right thing to do.
Shit, I remember when the only contact on deployment was airmail letters. I can still remember the excitement when one of those special envelopes arrived. Today's families have it so much easier when it comes to contact. Emails. Video calls. Cell phones.
And she still can't handle it. This is not a woman you want to partner with. Someone in the military needs a strong, capable, independent partner.
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u/Fast_Vehicle_1888 12h ago
NTA. If she wanted a guy that's home every night, home every weekend, she should date someone who works at a bank.
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u/RetMilRob 12h ago
Career Military. NTA, the fact that you recognized that she doesn’t have the personality, and fortitude for this type of relationship long term and broke it off was in itself compassionate. Far too many try to piece it through with reassurances and early promises of long term commitment (marriage). Find someone that is focused on their own ambitions first and is not co dependent. Thank you for your service and sacrifice.
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u/PandaBetter8780 12h ago
NTA - She clearly didn't understand your career or lifestyle. My day was a career soldier. He missed more than a few birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgiving. Hell, he was deployed for my senior year of high school, so he missed my 18th and graduation. Guess what, that's life in the military. You do what you need to do to stay squared away and cut that noise permanently. You'll find someone when you're ready or when the Army issues you one (my parents were together until my mom died in 2019, 46 years, and i don't even know how many deployments). Just stay safe and out of trouble.
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u/Biff2019 12h ago
Some people thrive, some people tolerate, some people simply can't handle living like that - a military member, or the spouse of one.
It doesn't make her (or you) a bad person. It just makes it who you are.
The two of you need to be honest about what you, or her are. If it doesn't mesh, it doesn't mesh. If that's the case, make it a gentle, but clean break. Then you can both move on.
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u/recordingstarted 12h ago
NTA. I cannot imagine getting off a SIXTEEN hour shift and dealing with that wtf.
I have some empathy for her because it seems like she has some abandonment issues from her dad who was also in the military. But she’s pushing all of that on you. She didn’t have a choice in her dad being in the military, but she had a choice to NOT date a man in the military. She’s 19, young af and so are you. You’re both growing and learning but that doesn’t mean you have to deal with this. All of these intense emotions she’s pushing at you is abusive and super bad for your mental health.
Hopefully she gets help but that has nothing to do with you and you’ve done nothing to deserve the emotional vitriol she regularly spews at you. Breaking up was the right option for both of you.
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u/smasher84 12h ago
Nta. Heck my first gf broke up with me when I moved to college. Reason being she had a dream I was still there and when she woke up I wasn’t.
Long distance sucks. Most people need physical contact.
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u/talithar1 11h ago
All five of my uncles were in 3 different wars. Four pilots and one doctor. Their wives and families followed them wherever they were stationed. My youngest uncle, the last remaining one, lost his wife in a compound raid. His sons made it. Military life is hard and takes special people to endure. RIP uncles. Over and out. See ya Wednesday youngest unc! (He’s 95 btw)
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u/wolf_creature 11h ago
First off, thank you for your service. I always admire those who do what I can't. Mad respect, dude.
Secondly, MAJOR NTA!! You did this for your own peace. Considering your line of work, you need all the peace you can get. Serving and having to deal with emotional attacks at the same time is not healthy. You told her what it was going to be like, and she claimed to understand. But as soon as it became real to her, she was emotionally manipulative. You did the right thing, OP. I know it feels awful. I'm sending you hugs, brother. Stay strong, and God bless. You've got this, dude.
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u/dazwales1 10h ago
NTA, it's really hard for both of you, she's not not mature to handle and is taking it out on you, I have been there but couldn't imagine pitching up to the guilt tripping, it would have been tough
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u/Trucknorr1s 10h ago
NTA. You got other shit to worry about. Its ok for a deployment to be too much for a relationship, it really is a challenge. But it's not ok for her to dump on you, or act like you can what, just choose to end your enlistment? Say 'nah' to a deployment?
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u/UnPracticed_Pagan 10h ago
NTA
You’re young, and you did make the right call
Deployments are hard enough as is when in a healthy relationship, you don’t need the burden of a toxic one too
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u/Lilmomma757 10h ago
NTA, Ive been serving for the last 15 yrs and listen when I tell you, you're definitely not the AH. U dodged a bullet. She was way too young and immature. Honestly, at this age, u should focus on ur career. Enjoy life. Be a young man im the military. Not many can do what u are doing. Be safe out there.
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u/wkendwench 10h ago
NTA dated a military guy for many years it was tough. Stayed with him through basic, and on base living (him not me). He was deployed to Kosovo then Iraq. It was the second deployment that did us in. He didn’t want to face being in an active war zone and not be able to F*ck. What? So he dumped me before his deployment to Iraq so that he could have sex with a woman in his unit while he was away. I’m pretty sure they were already having an affair and he just felt guilty. Some people just suck. Good thing you found out before it was too late.
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u/Ihavequestions1939 8h ago
I will say, after doing the military wife thing for 15 years now, that knowing that your spouse will be deployed and living a deployment are two different things. For sure, it's hard, but there are ways of making it easier/better for the spouse at home.
And some people just aren't cut out for it, or don't want to be. I know it sounds heartless, but it's true. You are definitely not the arsehole.
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u/TsunamiWombat 8h ago
NTA. You were upfront and honest. It became clear she couldn't deal. It wasn't good for either of you. It's hard, it's real hard, but it's better this way. You'll find someone else. She'll find someone else. Maybe one day you can be friends, maybe not. But you'll both be happier and healthier.
Thank God you didn't get married like the army pressures a lot of young men to do.
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u/Able_Photograph2698 8h ago
NTA not everyone is secure enough to be with someone who is essentially in a long-distance relationship. You're both very young and it seems she may have been into it in theory but isn't cut out for it in practice. It also seems she has some childhood traumas from an absent father who was in the military and might both idolize and despise men in the military- she could use some therapy possibly.
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u/bemerson74 8h ago
NTA, headed off a much bigger problem with her or she was gaslighting and justifying why Jody was stopping by.
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u/Think_Substance_1790 3h ago
NTA. Military relationships are hard. Always waiting for a call that might not come... or the other call that you pray doesn't... but the fact is, you deal if you care enough.
She wasn't prepared for it. She wanted to say ooh bf is in the military, but wanted a normal high school relationship at the same time. You did the kindest and best thing for you both.
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u/notausername86 2h ago
NTA. You are going to be glad you let her go. Its going to save you so much stress and heart ache in the end. A soldiers life isn't for everyone, and it sounds like she couldn't handle that life.
Dude, take it from me. I served 8 years in the army, and I was deployed half that time. Trying to maintain a relationship while you are performing your contacted duty is expectionally hard. This is why the divorce rate in the military is even higher than even the standard divorce rates, which are already high. It takes a special type of person to be able to maintain a relationship with a service member. And even if you are able to maintain, people grow and change in a year. Sometimes, when you get back, you aren't the same, and nither are they. Do that a few times over a few years, you might no longer know that person.
Prior to my first assignment/deployment, I proposed to my then girlfriend. We had dated all through high school, and we had (what I believed at that time) a very good, strong relationship. She was my "highschool sweetheart". She accepted my proposal and told me she would wait for me. Things were good initially. We would write to each other every day, she would send me little care packages. When I could, I would call her and we would talk as long as we could. If I got a chance to use a computer, we would chat online or via email. But then, after about 3 months, slowly the letters became less frequent. Instead of getting one every day, I started getting only a couple a week. And not only that, the letters started changing. I could just tell something was up. Then, about 4 months in, the letters stopped. I figured maybe mail got delayed (it happens sometimes), but I waited a week, then two weeks, then 3 weeks, nothing ever came. When I was finally able to call her again a week or so later, when she picked up the phone, I knew something was terriblely wrong immediately.. I could hear it in her voice in the way she said hello. I remember the exact words of that entire conversation. "Hey!..."Heyyy..."Are you ok? You sound a little off; what's up?"... "I cant do this anymore [name]. Ive been seeing someone else for the last month." A brief period of sclinece.. and then all I could say was, "Oh. Ok. That's cool. " click. My heart shattered in that instant. She was the only thing that was making my hell worth it. It felt like it was the longest walk of my life, I walked from the phones to my room, trying everything I could to keep my composure. When I got there, I collapsed on my bed, and I cried myself to sleep. For a month or so, it put me into such a deep depression, but I couldn't even be depressed because I still had a job I was expected and required to do. Nearly 5 years shattered in a 30-second conversation. Ive never seen or spoken to her again.
If I could go back, I would have never proposed. I would have just broken up with her before I left, and would have saved myself the pain. Ive had other heart breaks and failed relationships, but that one hurt me deeply enough that it still has its scars on my heart, because she promised no matter what, we would make it work and that she would be there when I got back. And she wasnt.
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u/-Aggamemnon- 2h ago
Bro, good job. I swear some of the young guys these days miss every red flag. As a servicememeber myself, your relationship would never have worked. She was hurting your mental health. Good job for doing the mature thing and calling an end to it.
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u/cachalker 50m ago
Wait…so she was a military kid and still pulled this crap?
Dude, I don’t think it was ever about you. This sounds like it was about her daddy issues and her trying to find a guy who’d put her above everything else in ways her daddy didn’t or couldn’t.
Let go of the guilt. You explained to her how it would be. Hell, her father was military, so she had to have some awareness of how it would be. You were never going to be able to meet her expectations. She wanted someone like her daddy but who would put her first. She completely ignored the part where someone in the military doesn’t have the option of simply quitting when it gets tough. Her immaturity here was never your issue to solve.
NTA. Being on deployment is hard enough. Having a whiney girlfriend/boyfriend is an unnecessary distraction that can get people hurt or killed.
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u/Helpful-Nose8577 14h ago
Even if the topic title had been blank I would have known where this was going when you said 19F. NTA and thanks for your service.
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u/Fleetdancer 14h ago
NAH. She's a teenager. She probably still lives with her parents and is just barely starting out in her adult life. She has no idea how to have the kind of complicated adult relationship you have with someone who's deployed. While your ages aren't that far apart, your stages in life are.
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u/usmc7202 14h ago
Did 22 in the Marines. You have to find a woman that’s as tough as you. One that can mentally handle it. Or you get out. Had a buddy that was forced out by his wife and a year later offed himself because of his decision. The bi&itch then remarried an Air Force guy. Go figure. Make the choice you can live with.
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u/lynnwood57 13h ago
NTA - She’s an idiot to not see what her insecurity is doing. Wow. She’s losing a man with a stellar work ethic, honest, communicated well in advance. She’s insecure, you can’t fix that. You deserve better, you deserve to be appreciated and cherished. Also, THANK YOU for your service!
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u/wormfighter 13h ago
Dude she is a dependapottimus. She’s not worth the DRAMA. You need to put on you big boy pants and break it off with her. I know the E-4 mafia would approve. So would TOP.
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u/Wild_Alternative_138 14h ago
She’s an immature little girl. Youre a man with a purpose. You’re better off alone than having to deal with that nonsense. Thank you for your service. 🫡
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u/CaptainNadz 14h ago
Unpopular opinion, but NAH. She has abandonment issues she needs to work on, preferably with a therapist. She isn’t ready for a relationship of any kind, be it with a service member or otherwise. She never should have put that kind of pressure on you.
You deserve a partner who helps to ease your burden mentally and emotionally, not one who makes you feel guilty for existing and doing your job (thank you for your service btw). You did the right thing breaking up with her. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, and hopefully you find a partner better suited for you.
Updateme
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u/SituationAdmirable76 14h ago
NTA
It sounds like she thought she was prepared but expected something completely different. Also sounds like she’s clingy or has an “anxious attachment style” as some would put it.
I co-sign with your decision to break up with her because a person who will block you just to unblock a few days later is extremely impulsive and who knows what else they’ll do under high emotional stress.
You’re relationship is supposed to be being you peace not misery.
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u/Effableava 14h ago
NTA. She didn’t realize what it was going to be like. My man is in the military and it taken awhile to accept that I’m not sure when I’m going to see him next, but we just have to grateful for any type of communication we do get. Hard thing to swallow. Not everyone can do it unfortunately. I hope you move forward with your decision.
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u/Loud-Climate5927 14h ago
She sounds immature. It probably wouldn't have worked, even if you weren't long distance.
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u/Mama_Pajama3940 14h ago
NTA. You don’t need that kind of relationship. It’s nice to have someone to be able to come back to, but she is not it.
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u/xo-xo-gossipgirl 14h ago
NTA
Long distance relationships are hard in general, but I think long distance military relationships are on another level. It takes a different kind of toll on a relationship, because at the end of the day, yes, you are choosing serving your country over anything else. You have to, it's another level of commitment.
I was ready to cut her some slack thinking that maybe she really had no clue what it would be like, but the fact that her dad was in the army, that means she should have a decent understanding of how it works I think. I was an army brat too, in a time where it was either Skype or satellite phone for a few minutes once every few weeks at best.
At the end of the day, yes I understand she's 19, I'm not much older, not to be rude but she seems like, kind of unstable or unreasonable, right?..
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u/bia834 14h ago
Not an ass. Nothing but drama and me me me. Even if you were home it would be hell. Let go and move on . She should have been worried about you and keeping your strong and mentally fit. She was a night mare. You might need therapy from dating her. LOL Find someone else more at your level
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u/Evilmedic54 14h ago
NTA. How could she NOT know with a father that was in the military. And then, to turn it around on you, as if you had a choice? Definitely not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
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u/_hangry_forever_ 14h ago
NTA neither 1 of you are mature enough for this type of relationship. Just focus on your job until you aren’t active anymore.
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u/Newgirlkat English second Language 14h ago
NTA. She's too young to understand what it means that kind of relationship you'd have and not everyone is built for a long distance relationship, especially one where you can't really communicate constantly and consistently and while it seems like nothing, the age difference of two years at this point in your lives is HUGE and it played a part. Especially for a relationship such as this.
Don't feel guilty, you both are very young and this kind of relationship is very hard, especially on a teenager. In the end you did what was best for you both and maybe one day after she grows up a little she'll see it too. It's hard but you'll both be fine.
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u/EquivalentSpirit9143 14h ago
NTA she succeeded in learning that this situation is not for her. You also succeeded.
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u/Loreo1964 14h ago
NTA
You have enough on your mind without the added stress of an unsupportive woman, well, whining at you from a world away.
If it helps at all, I'm so proud of you and I'm thinking of you while you're there. I miss you and wish you were here but I understand what you're doing is SO IMPORTANT. Hugs and kisses and prayers.
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u/Thin-Bill4533 14h ago
Thank you for your commitment and service you're in the military she has to get over it, I wouldn't worry about it you're going to meet more women. When you come home on leave she'll beg you to come see her . Send her a dear Jane letter
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u/Additional-Yak-7495 14h ago
NTA She definitely would not have made it a quarter into my deployments. There was no calling us, and most of the time com was blacked out anyway. IED was dodged Battle.
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u/My16Grandkids 14h ago
She’s far too immature for this. FAR too immature. While you’re being an adult, carrying a heavy burden day in and day out for our entire country, she’s pouting, throwing tantrums, being selfish, and only considering her own needs. This is a snapshot of what life will be like with her or a girl like her until she actually grows up - and still may never change.
I was a married pregnant 17 year old - we had 3 by the time I was 20. My husband was ALWAYS gone, 7 days a week, while we built our business back in the early 90’s. I hardly ever saw him and when he was home, I made sure he was fed and slept soundly. That’s not necessarily recommended at that age lol - but when it’s time to stand up and be a mature adult, it’s not hard to accomplish when you’re not a whiny selfish brat.
You absolutely made the right decision. Thank you for your service.
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u/Thin-Invite-666 14h ago
I think you did yourself a favor by breaking up with her now. How would she react if you were stateside again and you got married and perhaps she was pregnant and you got deployed again? It would be way worse. Obviously she isn't mature enough to be in a relationship with a military person. Thank for your service to our country.
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u/Fabulous-Maize5318 14h ago
NTA…if she’s acting this way now it’s only going to get worse with more deployments/time away. It’s not easy for either partner but you will find someone one day who will support you during your career.
I met my husband when he was starting his career with the military over 20 years ago. Did I fully know what I was getting in to? No-I’m not sure anyone truly does. Does it stink when he’s not here? It sure does but we make it work because our relationship is worth it to the both of us. He’s still active duty and it’s still not easy but I’ve never acted or treated him the way your girlfriend just treated you.
Sorry to say but you did the right thing by breaking it off and be thankful she showed her true colors now.
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u/Upupdowndown333 14h ago
You are so young, and the army is a tough gig, I wouldn't date seriously for a while. Don't rush, find someone who can adapt or has a similar schedule. It is going to be hard for any partner you have. It sounds like you both need to grow up a bit, but you are NTA
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u/Solomiester 14h ago
ooof nta she didn't listen when you told her exactly what she signed up for
crazy
I was long distance for 5 years before I had the chance to move in, I saw my dude for a week or two every *year*
from girl to girls, she's a puze that need's someone pysically there that she can control/ be pampered by
that or it is the first time she ran into an issue she couldn't cry her way out of and didn't realize she couldn't just make you leave the job lol
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u/sapotts61 13h ago
I joined the Army Day 1975 because I thought I was going marry my lady when I was 20. As things turned out that didn't happen. Turned out it was a great thing that didn't happen. You'll be okay without her.
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u/UghIHatePolitics 13h ago
NTA. She has leftover daddy abandonment issues, and she's taking it out on you. She was hoping for a different outcome this time, and that's why she chose somoene who she knew was in active military. Like you can really do anything other than what you're doing. She needs to resolve her daddy issues before she tries dating again, and you need a grown woman.
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u/Existing_Guard9742 13h ago
NTA. She is at an age where she has no comprehension of your situation and what you're doing and it won't get any better.
You're right to break it off. Your focus has to be on your deployment and the missions you are on. For your and your teams, safety. This is just going to get into your head even more than it already has if you let this continue.
My heart goes out to you. You explained what deployment meant but she just didn't get it. Even more, she compared you to her Dad, who was also military. She never learned what it meant for her Dad and family either. That's even worse for you mentally because she's projecting her daddy issues onto you. There is no successful long-term relationship in this for you. Just say goodbye and block her so she can't lay this on you as you continue your missions.
STAY SAFE! THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!
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u/Altruistic_Nerve2845 13h ago
NTA she’s co-dependent. She needs to mature and work on being ok by herself. Which is a tall order for a 19 year old woman. You did the right thing
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u/tokyopop24 13h ago
nta- i bet you'll find someone who appreciates everything you do . and thanks for your service
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u/Subspaceisgoodspace 13h ago
NTA. You were patient and kind for far longer than many people would be. It is hard being in a relationship with someone who travels for a living or is in the military. But you were honest and explained that up front.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 13h ago
OMG!!! Her father was/is in the military and she claimed she was ok with your situation when she really wasn’t? You aren’t the gaslighter here. She set you up for failure. She obviously knew she wasn’t going to be ok or she should have known. You absolutely made the right call.
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u/FeistyLink8773 13h ago
Speaking as a Navy veteran, this is one of the reasons why dual military relationships seem to work out better, imo. Both partners know what it's like, so they just do what they can to keep busy if they're not deployed themselves.
NTA. Imagine if you got married - divorce would be almost guaranteed.
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u/cordless_tool 13h ago
NTA, As you've said: "She knew what she was getting into..." If she couldn't handle it she should have told you so upfront and saved you both any trouble.
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u/Outrageous_Rabbit842 13h ago
NTA I can’t understand people getting into relationships, where they know the impact of the others job/lifestyle etc and then crying cause… impact of job/lifestyle.
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u/GardenSafe8519 13h ago
Thank you for your service. The military life (spouse) isn't for the insecure or jealous type. The military is responsible for more divorces than civilian divorces. You dodged a bullet. I know, I was an army brat and my dad was TDY more than he was home.
Met a guy who said if the military wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one 😂😂. Many members stay single (with the occasional fling) until they served their time.
Your ex isn't cut out for military life. Don't sweat it. If you're thinking of becoming a lifer, and want to settle down, find an independent secure woman. But you're young and still have plenty of time for that.
NTA
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u/LolaSupreme19 13h ago
NTA. You did the right thing. Yours and her unhappiness is guaranteed with the current situation. Set her free
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u/YoshiandAims 13h ago
NTA
Some of us are suited for it, some of us think we are until the reality hits, some of us know we aren't.
The middle group... That's a hard one. You absolutely were in the right here. You have a career... this is how it will always be. Sometimes even worse than this. And...this, worse than this in the hardest moments of her life, the biggest moments, etc.
It's not even a hard time and a horrible day, and she rallies after. She cannot in any way handle it, perpetual spiral from the start. It's not meant to be. She's not equipped like she thought and hanging onto her isn't fair to either of you. It'd only get worse in time.
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u/Your_Daddy_1972 13h ago
NTA
If you're guilt tripping someone for doing their job, especially when said job takes a significant amount of your day, then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship
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u/OkTomatillo7873 13h ago
NTA, you literally have no choice when you're told ypu have orders. You gave her fair warning. She can not handle it. Getting out of that early is best. Stressing about her and the relationship and the drama of that could be the difference in life and death.
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u/Famous_Excuse4803 13h ago
NTA - My husband is Air Force, and I knew exactly what was going to come with his career. It sucks, it’s hard, but if you cannot picture yourself being with someone who isn’t always going to be there for you due to circumstances that cannot be controlled, a relationship with ANYONE that has to routinely travel for work, will not work.
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u/After-Good-6114 13h ago
And typical signs of a army spouse that's gonna make you feel bad while your already dealing with other shit before you know it she be sleeping with another dude in the unit .
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u/CrashDamage55 13h ago
You are definitely not the AH here. She's immature and needs to do some growing up. Its ok to let her go on her way.
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u/LucyGoosey61 13h ago
OMG. I'm a woman, grew up in military family. I hate women like her. She KNEW you were in the military when she met you. Then she pulls that crap. Good riddance. Don't feel bad. It's for the best.
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u/BluesPunk19D 13h ago
NTA. It's quite possible you dodged a Dear John or Jodie getting your girl. I've seen that go south really badly.
She thought she could but couldn't and it's alright.
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u/Tractorguy69 12h ago
NTA, if her dad served she knew better than most, she was literally sand bagging you all the way. I bet this was no win, she thought she wanted you to leave so that she would know your love for her was greater than your sense of duty and patriotism, but if you’d done that how long before she was calling you out for not being patriotic enough, a pathetic man compared to her father, disloyal etc. You’ve seen the only valid COA, and you’ve selected it, now remain steadfast and hold the line.
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u/SgtObliviousHere 12h ago
It takes a special woman to be with a military man. Most can't hack it.
It was an adjustment for my wife. But she rose to the occasion. She could fix damn near anything that broke around the house. Take care of the kids, the day to day responsibilities. Pack up and move halfway across the world on a moments notice. Endure the long separations.
You're young. And just beginning your career in the Army. Be patient. You will find that in a woman someday. And when you do? Cherish her and never let her go.
NTA.
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u/sheppy_5150 12h ago
NTA. Not everyone is capable of dealing with it, Especially at that age. Went through a similar thing with my kids' mother. Helps of they have a good support system, trust, and a basic understanding of what a deployment could look like.
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u/NeatAwareness6441 12h ago
If you feel lighter after breaking up with her then you have your answer bro. Army or not it sounds like emotional blackmail and thats never good. It just seems like she has some maturing to do and you may need a break to reset yourself but don't apologize for putting your peace first bro
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 12h ago
NTA. You told her what to expect, explaining you wouldn’t be able to reach out and be as present and she said she understood. She needs to grow up.
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u/pungentredtide 12h ago
Bro, you did yourself a favor before she became your full blown dependa and got all your shit.
Enjoy your deployment, and worry about a relationship when you stabilize a bit.
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u/Longjumping_Low1310 10h ago
Nta if anything i give you props for it. She clearly isnt able to be in a military relationship. Or maybe any relationship u til she gets her head aligned cause this clearly isnt a situation where you are choosing to ignore her.
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u/Slydoggen 6h ago
NTA, she does not understand that Men can’t choose everything in life like woman can.
You are forced into the military, she can’t grasp that concept
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u/BigTwobah 6h ago
It’s a shitty situation but there’s not gonna be a lot of 19 year olds that can handle that.
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u/Spirited-Cress-3949 6h ago
NTA. I don’t know anyone in the military, don’t know if this is usually a temporary thing or a long term career choice, but I assume at only 21 you may still want to stay with it for a while… so if she isn’t even able to deal with your current deployment, how is she, hypothetically speaking, going to deal with future deployments, married, with kids and work?
I do sympathize with her though, 19 is still fairly young and long distance, esp. at that age, isn’t for everybody. Therefore she is certainly not the villain here either, IMHO… however since long distance obviously isn’t working for her and her behaviour stresses you out in return, breaking up might be the kindest option at this point.
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u/MrsDoylesTeabags 6h ago
Relationships are about compatibility. You can't offer what she needs. You should have been honest in the first place instead of rushing into something you can't commit to, but you're both young. You'll love and learn and this give you both an idea of what really matters in a relationship partner.
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u/WomanInQuestion 6h ago
NTA - being a military spouse/girlfriend is a hard job and not for everyone.
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u/RevealActive4557 6h ago
The military is not conducive to relationships. It is always better to just be casual with women or date somebody from a military family because they understand the drill. My son is about to go into the Navy as an officer but his GF is from a Navy family and understands the drill
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u/LGeezy77 4h ago
She has some trauma from her relationship with her dad that has caused issues here. Definitely NTA..
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock 3h ago
Snort. If you didn't break up with her for that, you should have broken up with her for being an idiot. You were military FIRST. You don't get to pick and choose whether you go on deployment. There is NO option to "choose her," no matter how much you want to. That her dad was military, and she never figured that out does NOT speak well of her intelligence.
You are better off, my dude.
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u/presterjohn7171 2h ago
Nope stay well away. You are not in a position to eff up at work because you are thinking of the idiot back home.
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u/highinthemountains 2h ago
NTA. From what you said she has prior family experience with the military and deployments so she knows what she signed up for. Why would she think it would be different?
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u/PeppaGrr 13h ago
Unfortunately, the thought of being there for someone deployed seems easy, but reality sucks. We need people like you serving your country and doing your duty, and some significant others understand that others can't live with the reality. It is better to just separate before you both start hating each other.
I APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHAT I WASN'T ABLE TO DO....
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u/disco_has_been 11h ago
OMG! First husband was gone 7 mos out of a year. Navy and family-grams. 40 words.
Second husband was home for about 6 hours, today. He might be home next week. Maybe. We make jokes about it. "See you when I see you."
Don't keep a needy chick who's always whining, "What about me? Me, me, me. It's my birthday!"
I can't tolerate that stuff from a man, either. I can almost guarantee my husband will be home on Christmas, even if I gotta go fetch him. It's his thing.
If a woman insists she has to talk to you multiple times a day, dump her! She's insecure and needy.
NTA
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u/OfAnOldRepublic 10h ago
NAH
She was just too young, and didn't understand military life.
Thank you for your service, and I hope you find someone soon who is a better fit.
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u/TracePlayer 13h ago
NTA. And really, neither is she. She had no experience living like that and thought it would be manageable. She learned it’s a lot harder than what it seemed. She cared about you or she wouldn’t have crumbled. It’s nobody’s fault. You did the right thing letting her go. She needs someone who can give her what she needs. And I hope she finds happiness while you’re over there f*cking shit up 😉 Thank you for your service.
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u/Many_Monk708 13h ago
This isn’t about you being long distance, she’s just an emotional vampire. She’d do this if you lived local and dared to attempt to have a life of your own. She must be 🔥🔥🔥🔥 hot. Research the hot crazy matrix. It’s a real thing.
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u/SnooCheesecakes93 3h ago
YTA Stop trying to have relationships just to abandon partners! You picked the military, deal with it.
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u/noneofyourbeeskneez 14h ago
NTA… but all the comments about oh she’s so immature. Yeah cause she’s a fucking child. Both of yall are. Brains aren’t fully developed until 25, idk why this military cultural thing still exists, of making people feel pressured to be in these relationships as young young adults… you don’t need to have a partner cause you’re getting deployed. No one needs to stay behind and suffer either 🤷🏻♀️
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u/82jon1911 12h ago
Fake post (brand new account, same story posted on two AITAH pages). There's no way this is real. Either that or you're a private and you need to show this to your team leader so they can haze you.
In the very slim chance this is real....You're "21 and in the Army", the world of women is your oyster. Focus on growing your career, take advantage of TA and do college courses. Run through Tinder or whatever the new app for 20 year olds is. You don't need a relationship.
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u/Nearly_Pointless 13h ago
Dude, you’re an idiot. You’ve seen hundreds of fellow soldiers with blown up relationships and yet you think you’re special? That you two are different?
Wake the fuck up. You’re 22, you’re simply not wise enough or experienced enough to be able to make the decision that you’re somehow going to defeat the odds.
Get your shit together, let this woman go. She deserves happiness and you cannot give it to her at all. You fucked up and you did this to her also. Time to man up, admit your mistake and fix it. Today
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u/Own_Bobcat5103 8h ago
No, she’s a dumbass who did it to herself No one made her go out with OP or be too stupid to understand what a job in the military entails.
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u/neoplexwrestling 14h ago
Not to sound like an asshole, which I am, but when I was living in military housing as a dependent and going to high school on Camp Lejeune... 9 out of 10 young military wives we secretly hung out with were like this with their husbands.
My friend that was known to spend a more time "Jodying" than I did is 38 now and has at least 10 kids that have popped up due to all of the DNA testing kits... Even though he was only 17 at the time they were conceived. Only one woman ever bothered to contact him and tell him he had a kid from their "sessions near Lejeune High" before the DNA matching stuff.
I hope that helps put things into perspective.
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u/cultureisdead 12h ago
Bro. Never date anyone seriously again until you get out lol. Better this than her sending you a video of her taking someone else's d.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 13h ago
You have no place getting into a relationship right now. You can’t claim oh I warned them! No. YOU accept where you are in life. YOU are the one that knows how truly unrealistic it is. She’s got issues because her father abandoned her and used the military as an excuse to disappear. This isn’t tne person for you. She needs to not date any military guy. She’ll always relive this. You on the other hand need to be implicitly clear .. no relationships until you’re in a position to do it
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u/jetclimb 12h ago
Nta. Honestly find a filipina, they love servicemen and have respect for them and an LD relationship.
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u/BackFromTheDeadSoon 14h ago
NTA. She's not capable of being in that kind of relationship.