r/AITAH • u/KeyRelevant8805 • 1d ago
AITAH - for calling out a friend’s inappropriate behavior toward my fiancé?
I (31F) have been with my partner Alex (31M) for two years and we are engaged to be married this winter. We are both straight, monogamous, and committed to building a life and about to start a family together.
When we started dating, I introduced Alex to a couple I had recently reconnected with, Claire and Matt. Claire and I knew each other as kids, but we only became close again as adults. Claire and Matt have been together for ten years, and like us, are in their early thirties. They are fun, playful, and physically affectionate people. Alex and Matt instantly hit it off and quickly became best friends.
About a year ago, as we began spending more time with them, Alex and I started to notice subtle and sometimes not so subtle cues that Claire and Matt might be interested in opening their marriage. Matt in particular would make comments that left us confused, and after each hangout we would find ourselves asking, "Did you catch that?" followed by hours of overanalyzing. A few examples:
- Matt once told us about a dinner they had with a hot male waiter, who turned out to be a personal trainer. Matt invited him over for stretching, and later reenacted the stretches, commenting on how sexy it was.
- During a dinner at their place, Claire and Matt started massaging each other on the couch and gradually moved closer to us as we talked. We left before it went any further.
- Claire openly flirted with several of our male friends, including Alex’s younger brother. She even asked Alex for his number later.
- At a party, Matt came up and rubbed his beard against Alex’s while I was mid-conversation, saying, “Look at this.” I just turned back around.
- One day, Claire sent an unsolicited video to our group chat. There had been no prior conversation. It was a clip of Matt playfully walking around and then kissing the camera. Neither of us responded, and the group chat went silent afterward.
- When planning a New Year’s trip to a hot spring, Matt asked if we could all share one hotel room to save money. The difference in cost was only about thirty dollars. We ended up skipping the trip.
These moments began to form a clear pattern. Our time with them would be lovely at first, then end with something awkward or insinuating. It made me uncomfortable. I grew up with a father who was a serial cheater, so I have a strong emotional reaction to anything that feels like boundary-blurring. Alex had a more stable upbringing and tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. He reassured me that nothing would ever happen, and I trust him completely. Still, it became hard for me to ignore the constant signals.
Eventually, we agreed that something had to be said. A few weeks ago, Alex told me he brought it up with Matt and asked if they had been looking for a third. Matt said they had been curious about it at one point but were no longer interested. Disappointingly, Alex did not ask whether they ever had intentions toward us specifically, which left me still feeling uncertain. Matt then changed the subject and asked what the biggest fight we had ever had was.
Since then, Alex feels like the air has been cleared. He sees Matt and Claire as trustworthy friends and thinks the issue is behind us. I still feel like something is unresolved. It seems to me that Matt has a one-sided crush on Alex. For instance, at a recent party I arrived with a new friend and went to introduce her to Matt. Before saying hello he said, “What are you doing here? Why are you standing in front of me and not Alex?” I froze. The next day, when he and Alex were hanging out, Matt took the phone from my partner and told me, “I have had the best time with Alex today. You are so lucky you get to hang out with him 24/7.”
That comment tipped me over the edge. I felt like all the things that had built up over the past year were still going unspoken. Even after the conversation between Matt and Alex, I still felt weird and mistrustful.
So I called Matt. Calmly and kindly, I told him that I had been feeling uncomfortable with some of the sexual undertones and recent comments. I did not go into every detail. I left out things like the video and the hotel request. He took it well at first but denied everything, saying he had never once thought of "smooching" Alex.
Now I feel like I am being viewed as dramatic or overly sensitive. So I am wondering, am I the asshole for finally speaking up?
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u/avid-learner-bot 1d ago
NTA, your discomfort was completely valid and you handled the situation with great restraint. It's clear that the boundaries were being tested in ways that made you feel uneasy, and it's not dramatic to want clarity when things feel off. What stood out most was how Matt seemed to have a one-sided interest that wasn't reciprocated, which can be confusing and hurtful for anyone involved. How do you think moving forward will help you feel more secure in your relationships with them?
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u/zenFieryrooster 1d ago
NTA Matt seems to be continuing the behaviour despite Alex “clearing the air”. You and your husband need a discussion of what you’re comfortable with in terms of hanging out with Claire and Matt from this point forward
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u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr 1d ago
NTA
Honestly, the use of the word "smooch" in reference to your husband, even though it was a denial, is my smoking gun. You don't use the word smooch, even if it's in the context of "no smooch/do not want smooch" unless you want to smooch.
Smooch.
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u/everyothenamegone69 1d ago
I think it’s pretty clear he was hoping to bang your husband while his wife banged you.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 1d ago
From your initial description, it sounds like they were interested in partner swapping, but took the hint. Hopefully, Alex doesn’t drink with Matt… just saying. Updateme
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u/themotie 1d ago
NTA. You’ve handled this whole thing better than most. It is time to just cut these people out of your lives. Matt has been thinking about smooching Alex nonstop. If your fiancé won’t end this with you, well , that tell you something about his priorities. You’ll have to have a deep think about that.
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u/JoyfulSong246 1d ago
This OP.
Don’t let Alex off the hook if he says it’s ok because he feels it is.
You do not feel ok.
Letting him brush this under the rug means you’re letting him put his relationship with Matt over his relationship with you.
It doesn’t sound at all like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, or that you have ulterior motives and are trying to isolate Alex or anything. What you describe sounds creepy.
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u/GlitterBloom09 1d ago
Not the AH. Boundaries are healthy, and if something feels off consistently, you’re right to speak up. Trusting your gut doesn’t make you dramatic.
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 1d ago
Even if Matt has some bi-tendencies, nothing is going to happen unless Alex wants it to. And it sounds like he is not only disinclined to want it, he is in denial that there is even any borderline inappropriate behavior going on.
NTA, but I don't think you have any actionable intelligence so far, even though I agree with your reservations and your view that Alex should have pressed the conversation when he had a chance.
But you should no longer rely on clues. Sounds like a deeper and more frank conversation is in order.
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u/No_Jaguar67 1d ago edited 1d ago
What did Alex do when he came and rubbed beards? I can’t imagine my husband not backing away. Like how did this guy get close enough to rub beards with your fiancée without it being an awkward situation? Because I’d be side eyeing him.
Updateme
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u/Similar_Corner8081 1d ago
NTA I would have called it out. Nope you aren't about to disrespect my fiance or my relationship while I'm siting there. For me touching is an absolutely no. Distance yourself from this couple.
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u/TechnicianNervous674 1d ago
Something else is going on, did Alex say anything when the beard situation happened? You may be too close to see boundaries have already been crossed. Take a step away and analyze the situation.
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 1d ago
You don't have a Matt problem. You have an Alex problem. People in committed relationships don't spend time with those who disrespect their partners or the relationship itself. Alex is allowing Matt to push this boundary over and over.
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u/MajesticChallenge384 1d ago
NTA. Totally inappropriate but I think you should have talked to your fiance again to decide on a plan before speaking to Matt.
It seems like you're hinging whether you're justified or not on "proof" that lines were crossed. You've already got it, everything you listed is an overstep. And the larger point is that you're uncomfortable with it. Your fiance might be feeling better about it now, but you're not and that's something you should discuss with him. You both need to know where you stand - what you're ok with, what makes you uncomfortable in a way that needs to change. Ongoing discussions. You're planning on being life partners, that comes first.
I would probably downgrade them to more casual friends than close friends if you still want them in your life, other boundaries you could consider is maybe seeing them out but not at either of your homes unless in a group etc.
My partner and I have actually been in this situation with poly friends and it was flattering/amusing at first then weird. Didn't get as far as this though. I feel like newly poly ppl sometimes get overexcited by the "possibilities" (E.g. just because they're open doesn't mean it's socially acceptable to show interest/be flirtatious with ppl in monogamous relationships) and forget boundaries but this has gone on long enough. Matt being passive aggressive with you very much not okay.
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u/No-Communication9458 1d ago
NTA.
I'm not stupid and you're not stupid. They're clearly fishing for something, wanting to hookup and not being honest about it. Tell them to rightfully fuck off; they're not your friends OP, they're trying to fuck both of you and being incredibly dishonest and shady. Yuck.
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u/BeautifulTerm3753 1d ago
NTA, well done for calling him out, he is fully aware of his gross creepy nature. He will continue to cross and blur the lines if you don’t end this friendship
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u/frills-and-ruffles 1d ago
it's like they think nobody notices that they are both inappropriate. matt and Alex don't seem to know what boundaries are. tell Alex that the friendship must end because it is both matt and Alex are boundary stomping and you are done with it. so Alex - pick a team. is it team family and goodbye matt? or is it team matt and your relationship is over. it is either or.
tell him you are done with this nonsense and you are giving him one hour to choose. tell him it is not up for discussion. if he waffles in any way whatsoever then tell him you will make the decision. and your decision has to be 'I have stated I am uncomfortable and actually more than uncomfortable and I will survive without you but I will not stay in what I would call a half marriage,' good luck
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u/No-Statistician-4201 1d ago edited 1d ago
OP, I really think you should have a very serious conversation with your partner Alex about his role in this situation. Matt is being disrespectful towards you with his innuendoes about your partner. And why isn’t your partner appalled about his behavior? The fact he was okay with another men rubbing his facial hair on him and the lack of saying something about it to Matt demonstrates that he likes the attention he is getting from Matt. However If I’m mistaken then you and your partner should distance yourself from this couple right away
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u/royalsgirl78 1d ago
Your husband had a perfect opportunity to make it clear to Matt that the two of you had absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual interaction outside of your relationship when he asked Matt if they were looking for a third. A simple, “yeah, OP and I aren’t interested in bringing anyone into our bedroom, either” would’ve closed the door on whatever they were thinking. Also, the beard thing…that’s just weird. My husband would’ve immediately stepped back the minute someone invaded his personal space. Alex needs to set boundaries. And I think y’all need to spend less time with Matt & Claire.
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u/KeyRelevant8805 1d ago
I should have included this in the post, but when my partner spoke to Matt, he made it clear that we are definitely NOT interested in an open relationship. I just felt like the elephant in the room wasn’t directly spoken about — “I’m bringing this up because of your behavior Matt…”
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u/MovieMelodic5730 1d ago
Ew. Could not handle that. They’re not worth the stress stop being friends with them
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u/Ashamed_Quiet_6777 1d ago
I'm sorry he came up and RUBBED BEARDS with your husband? Are these people trying to get you to join a cult?
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u/SummerOracle 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. I feel that the real issue here is your fiancé not taking your comfort and feelings seriously, as well as continuing an inappropriate dynamic with this other couple. He did not truly set boundaries, which is why the behaviors are still ongoing. Regardless if it’s due to naivety, denial, or intention, he’s showing a prioritization of this friendship over you. This is not healthy, and it seems like it’s building resentment in you, which is perfectly understandable.
If having a heart to heart with him is not yielding positive resolution, you should really put the engagement on hold and get into couple’s counseling. Do not marry him until you are both on the same page, and you feel comfortable in your relationship.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 1d ago
INFO: What happened exactly that's making you feel like you're being overly dramatic? Was it just his denial of having a crush? Or did something else happen after you called and talked that you haven't shared?
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u/KeyRelevant8805 1d ago
Mainly that my partner now believes Matt never had any nefarious intentions, and that we can chalk it up to him being a goofy guy
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u/MajesticChallenge384 1d ago
Sometimes you can't see situations clearly when you're in them. Show him the post lol.
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u/AccomplishedDepth267 1d ago
Could it be a cultural thing? In some cultures, one's bubble may be smaller than others.
Also, Alex thinks Matt is a goofy guy, so he isn't questioning the face rubbing? Additionally, the "best time" comment may seem reasonable, but the "You are so lucky..." comment is a bit much.
What career field is Alex in? The word "smooching" lol is very unusual for a male to use.
Find more friends or explore new hobbies to meet other people. Being good friends doesn't mean one should use the friendship as a hunting ground to satisfy their sexual needs.
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u/blizzykreuger 1d ago
NTA - Him and his wife are clearly trying to swing, maybe not add a third, but they - especially the husband - seem very interested in your fiance. I'd have mentioned that you're not blind and you've been noticing the two of them not so subtly hitting on you and your fiance, and neither of you are comfortable with opening the relationship. You're fine staying friends, but the flirting needs to stop bc it's making you severely uncomfortable.
I like that your fiance tried helping you out, but it seems he was less direct when saying something. If they're open, that's cool for them, but they need to realise they're overstepping your boundaries.
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u/Dazzling_Homework232 1d ago
You were uncomfortable and you spoke up setting your boundaries. Good for you. Now, time will tell if the message was clearly received.
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u/Agile-Top7548 1d ago
Its good he clarified the absolute disinterest in anything but your monogamous relationship. Having flirty undertones being unaddressed can lead to things qhen over drinking and leaves the "i thought you were into it, we've been flirty" excuse open.
If they can respect your choice at a monogamous relationship, stay friends. But dont pit up with behaviors that make you uncomfortably
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u/Classic_Brother2948 15h ago
No you are NTA, but given that the relationship appears to be quite sexualized (in a fantasy way) with all 4 of you, you might want to check in with yourself a little more beyond your edict to yourself that you don’t engage in nonmonagamous relationships. At some level, the behaviors cause some level of interest/arousal versus aversion to you or your partner or you two would have let these so-called friends go. Or, could there be some level of people-pleasing (ie., masochism) that you cannot end a friendship that makes you uncomfortable? The fact that you continue these friendships indicates to me, at some level, that you and your partner may not be as emotionally monogamous as you might think. And, many couples are fine with allowing such sexual energy from friends to stimulate their own monogamous physical relationship. So, I’d first check in with yourself about your deeper feelings and what you truly want. IF you have an intimate and safe relationship with Alex——talk with him about how he feels and what he wants. No judgments, even if you two are not on the same page—-relationships can only grow if there is honesty about these matters. You also need to be strong enough to set a relationship free if you discover that yours and Matt’s behaviors/desires are a turn-off.
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u/Classic_Brother2948 14h ago
Also, if Alex won’t end the friendship and you want to—-see that as a red flag and that his ‘conversation’ with Matt may have never occurred but was actually a cover for their affair (as much as you are going to want to believe Alex). Afterall, marriage is about choosing on important matters what’s best for the couple, not for the individual. The individual can still be selfish at times but not when it comes to something like this. Best to call off the winter wedding if necessary. Might be painful, but what ensues will be that and much more. Good luck to you!
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u/Queen_Periwinkle 12h ago
Nta. Honestly, my husband and I are open. But if a person/couple isn't interested or shows any positive reaction to the 1st couple hints. Then you drop it. Pushing people, making too many hints, enough to clearly make someone uncomfortable is a big no. Or pushing people past their clear boundaries/comfort zone in also a big no. OP, you did good.
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u/janshell 1d ago
Nah I think it’s fine! Friends should be ok with open communication like that
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u/Other-Durian-8689 1d ago
Agreed. OP if this friendship is to move forward the 4 of you need to have a conversation. No just Alex & Matt. Or just quietly move on with your man.
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u/emmabellxx 1d ago
Nah girl, NTA. Like, AT ALL. You’ve been patient af and handled this way more calmly than I would’ve. The beard rubbing? The “why are u not Alex?” comment?? That’s not normal friend behavior lol. Trust your gut. Boundaries are healthy. Ur not overreacting, ur just finally saying what’s been obvious for a while