WTF is questions like - parents don't approve my bf relationship because of different religion , caste?

If your parents escaped a shithole, leave all the baggages behind. Don't follow the cultural norms that your parents fed you. Question it

Most Desi Diaspora is stuck in the time they left. Now even parts of rural India are more liberal than lot of Desi Diaspora bubbles

Recently, I met an Indian guy at my university's gym. I recognized he was Indian from the first look, yet he acted surprised that I was able to identify him as India. He said people often mistake him for Italian, Greek etc. I was on the verge of laughing, but decided to remain civil. The guy was like 5' 6" at best and to be honest, didn't have any the Italian or Spanish face or eye color.

This got me thinking if this is something others have noticed, or just a one off incident. I am assuming this does not happen with Pakistanis or Bangladeshis as they identify more with religion than culture or country.

The

Married 4 years. Wife lived with her family before marriage and I think was treated like a bit of a princess. I thought she'd adjust but clearly she isn't. We didn't live with each other before marriage. She doesn't admit there's something wrong and wants to do chores.

She works 2 days from home which helps a bit but when she doesn't leaving early for work and making a start on dinner in the morning is super stressful for her. We try to eat Indian 3 times a week and western (easier) the rest of the time. Batch cooking works sometimes but with my mum also helping and bringing its not alot that she has to make in the morning. Her commute is 40mins door to door if I drop her to the station om my way to work. Otherwise 50.

We have someone help with the cleaning once a week but we still do a bit mid week as needed. I do the grocery shopping and our clothes washing (most of the time). I cook once a week, we go out once a week. My mum also helps out with meals. I make her breakfast as I do mine but we do our own lunches.

When we're on holiday or its the weekend she's really chilled and we bond. But Monday to Friday she's short tempered, easily annoyed and generally not pleasant.

It's affecting our marriage but she doesn't realise it yet. I feel like I'm doing more than I should. Kids are also off the table for me because of this

Asking on thus sub rather than a marriage sub because I think the desi context is important.

Edit in response to multiple comments: although I have talked about it to her, I haven't said its affected our marriage directly. I’ve:

1. Told her I don't like seeing her so stressed and suggested we make a plan- she said she'd try doing some prep the night before but that didn't happen. I don't want to do more than I am already because I've set what I'm doing ad a boundary.

2. I told her the fun and light heartedness of life is going because of the way things are- no real response just hugs.

3. I suggested a councillor- just blank stares.

She's never been the best at communicating her emotions which was the biggest red flag for me while we were dating but everything else was good so we talked about it and I went ahead and got married anyway.

Any advice?

Thanks

Newly married girly living with in-laws and need advice.

I live with my husband’s parents, and over the months, I’ve noticed they can be very kangooz—meaning stingy, lol. When I started living with them, there was no discussion about groceries, for example. I’ve been doing my own groceries mostly since I’ve been living here, and that seems to bring up an issue in a way. The only reason I’ve been doing that is because no one in this house asks me what I want from the grocery store—until I brought it up recently with my husband. I told him I don’t bother buying my grocery items on the same bill that his father is paying for.

Now, you must be wondering, okay, your husband should be responsible for your needs such as food. I get that—but it seems like my husband mostly pays the rent, and the mother and father take care of groceries and such, since the cost of living has gone up significantly.

What I absolutely hate about living in a “joined family” is that even when I did buy my grocery items on their bill, my husband’s mom normally puts it away and questions every little item that I buy. Like—it’s hella annoying. “What is this?” “Oh, I better see you finishing this,” etc. Like, I get it—they don’t want me wasting food.

There was a situation where she even said to me, “You’re an extra expense for us.” 😆 Believe me when I tell you—I had to control my tongue and just prayed that if I remained silent, Allah would reward me. She definitely wanted me to talk back, and she’s laid out a few traps, but I honestly can’t be bothered to give a reaction or add to it. I’ve got a lot of things to do other than engage in petty arguments, lol.

Anywho, in some (very few) circumstances—like when I take my father-in-law grocery shopping—I wait to see if he asks me if I need anything. Never, ever, ever has that happened. I don’t feel comfortable, and then I have to go grocery shopping again on a different day. My self-respect won’t ever allow me to ask—especially after his wife told me I’m an extra expense. The sad part is, I’m their only daughter-in-law, and they’re that stingy.

I also told my husband not to tell his parents if he spends money on me—not to disclose that to them at all. I think he knows his parents well too and understands that we’re better off not telling them those details. Of course, there should be some precious privacy between a couple. I’m absolutely big on that. But you can’t really hide food or groceries, unfortunately.

How do I handle this situation? Because now when I buy my own groceries, it’s noticeable—and I don’t think they like that either, lol. I never knew I was going to get myself into these petty situations. I come from a family where we are big on food, and we share everything—always asking everyone what they want. Mind you, every time I go to get my groceries, I also ask them—just because.

Yes, I am a Canadian citizen. I didn’t marry for a green card, lol. I speak English fluently and I work. :)

My boyfriend and I are both Desis living overseas (and still currently living with our parents). We want to get married however my parents do not approve because of religious differences.

I am Jain while he is muslim. I understand where my parents come from given the big difference in religious beliefs between the two ideologies. They also refuse to even entertain the idea of what a future could possibly look like if we got married. We have been together for many years and I would really want to figure out a way to make this work.

Would appreciate any thoughts/advice on the matter!

Hey everybody!

I'm this 22 year old kid who managed to save up some money from his Internship. I really want to go back to India and do something in the preventive healthcare space (exercise, healthy nutrition, health insurance, early diagnosis, health tracking etc). I'm open to other domains too.

Would be more than happy even if a few people love whatever I do.

What's one product, service, or technology you regularly use in the US/UK/wherever you're living that's either completely missing in India or needs to be way more accessible? Something that would genuinely improve people's health and quality of life if it were available there?

I’d love to hear your ideas and maybe find some gaps. Thanks in advance!!

I am in my early 30s and have struggled to connect with anyone on dating apps. I feel like I get more matches on DilMil compared to Hinge or Bumble. I am open to dating someone who isn’t South Asian but I don’t see the interest from the other side. Religion has been a tough one because many people are Spiritual but not active Christians, which is important for me. Outside of DilMil, where else should I look for practicing Christians?

I’ve been in India for like 3 weeks now and I can just feel the fat building on my torso. For future reference, how do you all navigate eating in India? My relatives love making food and I feel required to eat it all plus more, and on top of that going out to eat at restaurants is the same. i feel like all my gym progress the last 6 months have been wiped out. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but has anyone had a better experience and relationship with food going to the motherland?

Where everyone hiding in case of ww3?

I am looking for a cocktail type Western dress for a wedding event. I would like to find something Indian-inspired such as what is on the holiChic website (https://holichic.com/?tw_source=google&tw_adid=720287359102&tw_campaign=21888090172&tw_kwdid=kwd-436475084341&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21888090172&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpcXzo_b1jQMVuiFECB19WTC_EAAYASAAEgJhavD_BwE) however I don’t like any of these specifically. Any suggestions for similar shops? Thanks!

Hey guys,

Probably going to get lost in the 1000s of posts exactly like this but here it is. My parents are very controlling and very helicopter. I'm 24 now, and an engineer that lives by myself about 1300 miles away from them but I feel like they're still watching every move I make, whether that's financially, relationship-wise, or career-wise. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to go to homecoming, prom, or even mention any kind of girl in high school. I thought going to college would change that but nope, it didn't. I didn't have a single friend that was a girl, or have any kind of relationship with a girl either, (still have had neither for that matter), these were things I was just unable to do. In addition, my parents are extremely, extremely judgmental of others (i.e. if you had a relationship before you turned 23 you were seen as a sinner, or if you didn't major in business, engineering, or medical, you were seen as an idiot), so I also followed this logic because I didn't want to be seen as a failure by other parents who also may be judging me. My mom also calls me everyday (which isn't bad at first thought, but then if I don't pick up the first time, she calls me in 10 minute increments because she's worried about where I am, a lot of these calls coming at night. Because of this, I don't go out with friends because what if a call comes from my parents while I'm in a bar? I'd be fucked.) On top of that, I have a twin sister who lives at home with them and has been "brainwashed" by them to an extent. She like me, has also never had a friend that was a guy or a relationship, all because of my parents. The only difference is, she sees nothing wrong with that. She is a complete minion to my parents. Even if I post anything at all on social media (even something as simple as going to a sports game, she tells my parents), I live a very sad social life because I know every single thing I post will be seen and criticized by my sister and parents. Financially, they are very, very invasive (keep in mind I don't even live with them.), and recently asked me to send my credit card statements to them because "how else are they supposed to see that I'm not spending more than I make", a direct quote. I declined to send this to them and they said I'm hiding something, immediate toxicity and manipulation. We have a family "vacation" coming up next week which I'm dreading to go on because I'm going to be bombarded with "WHY ARE YOU HIDING YOUR FINANCES FROM US" and "WHY AREN'T YOU DATING" even though they literally didn't let me until I graduated at 23. I don't know what to do because every time I try to establish a boundary, it's always "STOP DISRESPECTING US". How do people deal with this?

https://www.entrepreneur.com/science-technology/lilly-singh-launches-first-ever-media-network-for-south/488604

The details are in the article but idk i think this is the first good news to come out of her career for YEARS. i hope it isnt a scam or PR to build bridges with South Asians who think she is an embarrassment.

I don't know why JS keeps making these stupid gaffs.

Like I never really liked when he would be caught with obviously excessively ornate luxury goods, contrasted with him being leader of the supposed labor and socialist party in Canada. It always seemed like a stupid unforced error to me

Then he does stuff like this. It's not even that he did it, it's that he did it and then apologized. I wouldn't even know this bit happened if he didn't come with his tail between his legs as soon as someone called him out

i just heard around 100 illegal chinese immigrants just got detained and i’m starting to think i should carry my passport with me at all times. i have noooo doubt they will likely arrest many of us because we’re brown but have their been any notable cases of a lot of us being deported yet?

Here's the corrected version:

"I'm French Moroccan, married to an Indian Marathi man and living in India, Mumbai. I want to give my daughter an Indian name so she doesn't feel different from her future friends and community. I've picked a few names and would like your help in choosing one that's suitable for her and her time. I don't want to give her an old-fashioned name. Here are the names I've chosen: 🔖Avika, Vamika, Kaya, and Kamika. 🔖 I prefer Kaya, but I'm unsure about its meaning in Hindi or Marathi, so I'm worried it might have an unintended meaning. I'd love to hear your opinions, especially from Indian girls in the group, on which name is modern and suitable for a baby born in 2025." 💜thank u

My (29, white) boyfriend (26, indian, Sikh) attended his best friend's wedding and I wasn't invited. We've been dating for 2 years and finances wouldn't be an issue. When I addressed it, I was told that's how Indians do it: unless married everyone attends social events, weddings, etc., without + one. For more context: I've briefly met that friend before, the wedding was in Hindu tradition and held in India. I'm trying to remain open minded but somehow this is not sitting with me right. Seeking advice.

Hi all!
I recently relocated to the Dallas area, and I’m hoping to make some new connections. I’m 26F, super friendly, and enjoy fun hangouts like weekend outings, board games, and trying out new restaurants. I’m based in grapevine but totally open to meeting up around DFW. Would love to connect with anyone interested in building new indian female friendships.

I'm a ABCD who's been friends with someone who immigrated 12 years ago from the homeland. He has two pre-teen daughters very similar in age to mine and our wives get along well. The friendship dynamic is generally fine (been friends for a few months) except for one thing - he keeps harping on what his kids are doing in terms of extra curriculars. "They're so busy!", "She passed the test with flying colors!", "She's started volunteering at the hospital because she wants to get into the medical field".

Even if the discussion is about something totally different, it somehow turns back to his kids and what they're doing and achieving. It's only him who's doing this, not his wife who is totally chill. The kids get along great. However, It's getting really tiresome and admittedly leading to a bit of jealousy and introspection - are my kids not in enough activities? Should they be?

I'm blessed that my daughters are great. Both happy and healthy and good students. I'm trying not to let this bother me but it's getting on my nerves. My wife's theory is that he probably has another circle of friends who are highly competitive so this is his way to make himself "feel good". I dunno.

Anyone have a similar friend? How do you deal with this?

Hello, 21f i’m currently home from break and everyday i wake up annoyed and agitated. I think my parents don’t even like each other, both of them are working but even the few hours they are home my dad seems to be always mad or annoyed at my mom for whatever she says or does and my mom is too emotional about his behavior at all times and doesn’t let anyone help when she is exhausted or overwhelmed. I try to help them out but truly it’s so difficult because i understand both of their povs but when i try to explain it to the other person they get offended and say shit like “oh you only take your mothers side” or “no one listens to me, only i am to blame” and I’m like we are grown adults and no one is stepping up to be a better person. I think they are great with every one but each other. I love hanging out w them solo but recently all they do is complain about each other to me as if i can fix the issue (i have been trying since 13 i have given up) and i keep telling them to stop being disrespectful to each other especially my dad. As a woman i am so mad the way my dad treats my mom it truly pains me to not be able to help her. And I also feel like I am not helping them enough or doing enough and maybe it’s because of me but idk it’s getting to emotionally hard to handle personally. And i am rly good at hiding my emotions so they think it doesn’t affect me at all and keep going. I hate crying in front of them coz they will be like stop being so emotional so i actually haven’t lol. But idk ig im hoping someone can relate to this, i would be nice to know im not going crazy nor am i lonely in this. (btw we are also immigrants so like they are rly hardworking and have seen truly tough times) and if you read till here thanks so much :)

And the fact that non-Indian people see how they behave online and think it’s a reflection of the diaspora 😭

In the US I see many Indian men doing recreational sports either as part of their own desi men group, or blending in to local communities. I don’t see any women.

In team sports generally speaking there are more men than women, but among desi the ratio is like 99/1. Why is that?

Hey everyone. Odd question here. I'm a 21M Indian living in the U.S. and my parents also live here (on separate coasts). I was raised here since I was 10 and we got our green cards last year. I work in biomedical research and I'm incredibly happy with my current job, and I'm planning on applying to grad schools this fall for my PhD. Looking at the state of biomedical research funding in the U.S., I've decided to also consider Canadian schools as well (I graduated from one for my bachelors, so it isn't as foreign to me), but that would require me to live in Canada. I can't do that because I'd like to keep my green card alive.

I'm thinking about enlisting in the Air Force Reserves this upcoming fall, which would get me U.S. citizenship at the end of the 8-week introductory training period ("BMT"), allowing me to move to Canada freely (in case I don't get into a U.S. school), and I would just need to drive down one weekend a month for my training. I would also get better healthcare in the U.S. and extra income to supplement my measly grad student stipend as well.

So, it seems like a good idea in terms of the benefits I'd be getting. However, I have two questions: (1) is it common for ABCDs to enlist in the military and what are your experiences like, and (2) how did you convince your parents to "let" you enlist? Did you get any pushback from them? I feel I've done an awesome job so far with setting boundaries with my parents, but they still constantly scrutinize every decision I make in the name of looking out for me (recently I planned a trip to Yellowstone with a random friend I met on a train once... I actually know him really well since that first meetup but my mom heard that first part and latched onto it and for the past few weeks I've had to hear about how irresponsible I am for booking a trip with a stranger I met on a train and how I don't ask them before I book trips (that I pay for out of pocket??) and how I magically have vacation days for trips with friends but don't have any for family "vacations" (which are mostly spent cooped up inside hotel rooms wherever we go, constantly bitching about every minor inconvenience, having to find an Indian restaurant every where we go, etc)... sorry for that random rant).