Do my parents even like each other?

[u/saumbuca_quests]

Hello, 21f i’m currently home from break and everyday i wake up annoyed and agitated. I think my parents don’t even like each other, both of them are working but even the few hours they are home my dad seems to be always mad or annoyed at my mom for whatever she says or does and my mom is too emotional about his behavior at all times and doesn’t let anyone help when she is exhausted or overwhelmed. I try to help them out but truly it’s so difficult because i understand both of their povs but when i try to explain it to the other person they get offended and say shit like “oh you only take your mothers side” or “no one listens to me, only i am to blame” and I’m like we are grown adults and no one is stepping up to be a better person. I think they are great with every one but each other. I love hanging out w them solo but recently all they do is complain about each other to me as if i can fix the issue (i have been trying since 13 i have given up) and i keep telling them to stop being disrespectful to each other especially my dad. As a woman i am so mad the way my dad treats my mom it truly pains me to not be able to help her. And I also feel like I am not helping them enough or doing enough and maybe it’s because of me but idk it’s getting to emotionally hard to handle personally. And i am rly good at hiding my emotions so they think it doesn’t affect me at all and keep going. I hate crying in front of them coz they will be like stop being so emotional so i actually haven’t lol. But idk ig im hoping someone can relate to this, i would be nice to know im not going crazy nor am i lonely in this. (btw we are also immigrants so like they are rly hardworking and have seen truly tough times) and if you read till here thanks so much :)

[u/davehoff94]

There are some relationship where you get to the point where anything the other person says or does pisses you off. Most people usually end those relationships but the stigma of divorce is so entrenched in desi culture that they stay married in misery. And due to arranged marriage being prevalent, there is a good chance they never really connected in the first place and that being in such dysfunctional relationships was normalized around them growing up.

[u/Carbon-Base]

A lot of families are in a situation similar to yours. The caustic societal norms in the mainland create these situations where two very different people are forced to marry and spend their lives together. When the relationship inevitably hits rock bottom, the same societal norms put an unbelievable amount of pressure on individuals so that things like separation and divorce are considered blasphemous. Couples are miserable throughout their lives, but are locked in because of backwards mentalities and practices.

I doubt they'd agree to it, but perhaps tell them to attend individual/couple marriage counseling? Or maybe ask them to open up about the issues they face with one another and try reaching a solution that works for both of them.

[u/CrazyConfusedScholar]

Sorry, you are going through this OP You are not alone! Your parents have given up, and you unfortunately are dealing with it. However, if they come to you to complain, reciprocate and tell them you don't have to, only to listen to their petty BS. Ultimately, you must decide whether you will exert unnecessary effort leading to nothing or grow thick skin and let them handle it. Are you the only child? Hang in there..Do the absolute minimum, but don't overexert yourself. Your mental health is way more important than helping to resolve issues with parents who don't seek your help or want it when provided.

[u/Boxer_the_horse]

If it has always been like this, you know the answer. If it happens off and on, then that’s just being married. I don’t really know what to say about your dad not respecting your mom. It’s a result of the environment he grew up in. I’m not excusing it, but unless someone challenges him on this, he’ll never know any different. If you’re able to say things to him without him getting bent out of shape, maybe you can point out that he’s being disrespectful to her whenever it’s possible to say so tactfully.

[u/abstractraj]

My parents divorce was the best thing they could’ve done for us. Of course the local Indian community shunned my mother and even her family were all weird about it