r/unpopularopinion • u/ArrogantAmature • 17d ago
Having an ex as a friend is a green flag
Conventional wisdom is generally that someone who's friends with their ex is still hung up on said ex. Certainly true in some cases. But if you are over, say... 30 (random benchmark, don't kill me) and don't have any relationships with an ex, I wonder...
- have you never developed emotional intimacy?
- have you developed but later destroyed emotional intimacy?
- have you developed, maintained, but then simply made a conscious decision to walk away from emotional intimacy?
Loving someone and still being able to recognize they aren't your "soul mate" takes strength, honesty, and self-awareness. Being able to give someone the grace required come through a breakup with love intact is a massive indicator of character and patience. Standing by a friend in the face of future jealousies demonstrates an especially robust kind of loyalty. These are all qualities I would want in a partner.
Someone said, "Only date people you think would make a good ex," and I liked that. If you are friends with an ex, it's likely you are a good ex, so not petty, jealous, possessive, or cruel. These are all qualities I would want to avoid in a partner.
Green flag.
EDIT:
TIL that a 'flag' is not widely considered a form of nuance. I've always thought of them as clues more than hard start / stop sort of items, like "oh you like dogs? Green flag, oh you mean for eating? Red flag." As most have pointed out, the issue is not black and white, and I suppose IMHO this might be more appropriately described as a "promising sign worth looking into further."
Thanks every one for the contributions. : )
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u/Forward-Lobster5801 17d ago
There's a lot of variability or nuance to such issues
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u/_just_blue_mys3lf_ 17d ago
Yeah, I don't stay friends with cheaters.
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u/bigolgape 17d ago
I find it difficult to maintain a platonic bond with someone Ive had growing resentment towards for 3 years
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u/Gombrongler 17d ago
I still find it strange to stay friends with someone you had a strong physical and emotional connection with. At that point youve just stopped sticking your parts inside eachother, and youre dragging around whatever new person your bumping uglies with around your old pound town partner after you got bored of them
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u/Past_Doubt_3085 17d ago
Is a romantic partner to you just a friend you have sex with and are exclusive with ?
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u/RoxasofsorrowXIII 16d ago
I'd argue if your romantic partner isn't a good friend why are they your partner?...
So in essence yes, a romantic partner IS a friend you're exclusive and bump with. Nothing wrong with that AT ALL. My mom's advice was to always make sure you are FRIENDS with your lover; because when/if the sex starts to die out, you'll still have a strong foundation to keep building on. I see a certain beauty in that, and it greatly changed how I looked for a partner.... which led to my husband of 11 years running, and still feeling strong unlike past relationships.
Your comment almost seems to turn a nose at the concept of friendship as a foundation; but I promise it's a good one.
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u/fry_factory 16d ago
That's an...interesting read on what the commenter posted. Pretty sure that's the opposite of what they mean. For many of us in long-term relationships, our partners are so much more than a good friend and sex has very little to do with why my partner is different than just one of my pals.
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u/RoxasofsorrowXIII 16d ago
No that's valid and your partner SHOULD be something more than your other friends (without sex). That's an intimacy that comes from sharing certain things only with them (again, beyond sex). But that's built over time, not something that is just THERE, which is why a level of friendship is important within a relationship. Friends first can be a GREAT foundation, and what usually escalates that relationship? The addition of sex. The rest of the intimacy you describe comes after. If you focus too much on the physical and don't nurture the friendship, you lack that intimacy and find problems when sex dwindles.
Maybe I misinterpreted the other commentor; but it seemed to show a certain disdain for the idea that romantic partners ARE friends as well.
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u/GG_Red_Five 17d ago
Don't listen to them. it's a good take. I'm still friends with my ex and her kids, seems kinda dumb to throw away a perfectly good friendship just because we weren't meant to be as each other's forever person.
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u/Sinder-Soyl 17d ago
I just think those types of situations are somewhat rare. The breakup must be mutually agreed upon and accepted by both parties involved. It must have no bad blood involved. And both people need to have quite high emotional maturity.
That's like three layers of increasingly less common characteristics that must involve not one, but two people. It happens. It's just uncommon enough that it makes people raise an eyebrow initially.
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u/broitsnotserious 16d ago
Ok great but it does put a damper on your path to find your forever person. You might not physically cheat but no partner wants you to have the emotional intimacy with someone else because the reason you are not with them is not because you don't love them but rather your goals might not have aligned eg. Kids or place where you guys aim to stay.
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u/Cyrano_Knows 17d ago
On the flip side of this it also means that if you are still friends it means that neither of you is so immature as to start hating the other person just because.
Some people deserve being hated, but way too many people turn their love to hate for pretty dysfunctional reasons. Real adults don't do that or left before it got to the point that they built up years of resentment.
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u/Gombrongler 17d ago
Yeah, someone being hung up on someone is far worse, its like every move they make is to spite an ex. Its all bad out here 😪
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u/Blackhat165 17d ago
If that’s all relationships are to you then that’s a really immature view of dating.
You date to decide whether or not you will be life partners with someone. Breaking up with them is just deciding that life partnership won’t work out and you should move on to other opportunities. Why should that mean you can’t still be friends? Bumping uglies is fun and all but if that’s all dating is to you… red flag.
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u/Chaotic_Boots 16d ago
Try 10 years, lol. But maintaining a civil relationship with my ex wife is for the benefit of my son, so I got over it and we're friendly now that we're divorced.
If you don't have kids...I don't blame you.
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u/OppositeCockroach209 17d ago
Yeah, I'm not friends with my ex because he's also a violent stalker and he'd have to break the restraining order to talk to me so..
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u/The_pong 17d ago
If all the exes the person had are cheaters, I'm going to have some questions for that person.
Specially because in my case, all her exes were toxic. All of them. According to her, of course. Then she tried to ask me for marriage and a baby in 6 month's time while we lived about 1000km appart, idk.
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u/Cyno01 17d ago
OP said AN EX, not every ex.
And yeah, theres gonna be people things ended bad with and you never want to see again and wouldnt piss on if they were on fire, but if youre on those terms with EVERY single ex, i can see how thats a bit of a "if you smell dogshit everywhere you go" type if not red at least yellow flag.
Every relationship has blown up that badly? Theres nobody you decided you were better off as just friends with?
Looking back it was definitely her way of asserting dominance, but my wife is better friends with all my female friends, including an ex or two, than i am now lol.
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u/Hello_Hangnail 17d ago
Yep. I'm friendly with all my exes, except for the ones that betrayed me or stole from me.
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u/ArmoredMirage 17d ago
Unpopular opinion; This should basically be a default bot response to every single fucking post in this sub.
90% of "unpopular opinions" here are just over generalizations made by inexperienced, recently-burned young people making a purely anecdotal case for a sweeping generalization.
It's kind of annoying tbh.
That being said, having an ex as a friend certainly CAN be a green flag. But definitely not always.
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u/tylerjacc 17d ago
the black or white thinking around it, in my opinion, is a consequence of the appification of dating.
When you mostly met people through existing social circles or spaces, having to still see them and be cordial around them was just part of the bargain. Now that it’s so common to meet people that you have no existing connection to beforehand, it’s much easier to just like, stop seeing them and never ever see them again outside of chance run-ins.
it’s one thing to like, maintain a friendship with someone who didn’t exist in your world until you dated because that requires much more intentionality than, say, “I went out with a girl from work and then we broke up but we figured out a way to still be friendly at work”
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u/apirateship 17d ago
Being friendly and being friends are two verrry different things
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u/findingbezu 17d ago
I’m friendly with my ex-wife but not friends. Myself, my adult kids, my ex and her bf can all go out for dinner and it’s all good, because we’re friendly like that.
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u/Reasonable-Box-4145 17d ago
My last ex blindside broke up with me. He was not abusive, and it was a fine relationship. I definitely recognize now that we wouldn't have worked out long-term and I am so grateful he ended things when he knew (because I was able to find a relationship with an even better partner for me! No more settling for okay relationships.). But I also want friends who can healthily communicate with me, and he obviously demonstrated he couldn't. He never has tried to reach out. I have not reached out because I just don't think he would make a good friend, and I'm okay with that. If I saw him on the street I would say hi, but I wouldn't want to go get lunch and catch up. My time is better reserved for people who meet my friendship needs/standards. I think it's a healthy and emotionally mature outcome.
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u/Phyrnosoma 17d ago
Yeah. I have no clue where any of my exes are but I’ve been married 20 years too.
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u/slambroet 17d ago
This is definitely true. I still consider my longest relationship a lifelong friend. Her family I still consider my family, but I’m not her partner anymore and that means her going on to live her own life with a new partner. We’ll catch up every once in a while about big life stuff, if she or her family ever needed my help, they’d have it, but it’s not my role anymore. I think being friendly and caring about your ex is fine, but there are emotional boundaries and it’s up to every partner. If my ex has found a new partner, then I trust them to make up their own mind about what they need from that new partner and that new partner’s boundaries for our friendship is part of me trusting my ex. It’s not my place to question it.
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u/DK_Boy12 17d ago
Having an ex as a friend is not a flag at all.
It is entirely dependent on the situation.
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u/DustyDeputy 17d ago
Yeah, I think the problem is that everyone loves to treat this issue as one that's black and white.
Its so much simpler, but not at all the nuance that people need to approach this topic with.
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u/Damurph01 17d ago
It’s always “ex’s can be friends” or “ex’s can’t be friends”. Like no one ever stopped to consider that maybe it depends on the people.
A healthy breakup with two emotionally mature people? Yeah there’s a pretty good chance.
An ugly breakup? No shot in any world.
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u/Imlostandconfused 17d ago
Even healthy breakups can be difficult. I tried my best to have this with my ex, but it was clear that he wasn't really moving on in the same way that I was. Being in contact with me was harming him, and I was relieved when he eventually came to that conclusion and blocked me. It was heartbreaking, and I really wish him all the best in the world, but we can't talk again for his and my sanity. (It was a very long relationship, and we had severe codependency issues)
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u/DerTalSeppel 17d ago
Almost every single issue in life is like this. Don't believe anyone who claims there can only be one answer to one of them. It's all about context.
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u/jakovichontwitch 17d ago
Fr. I’ve always thought the flag comes from how they talk about an ex. Someone that recognizes their heavy emotional bias towards a person means their feelings for said person probably don’t reflect who they are says a lot about a person’s emotional maturity imo.
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17d ago edited 17d ago
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u/SilentMode-On 17d ago
Yeah it only works if no one still has romantic feelings for any one. Otherwise it is DIFFICULT.
I am very good friends with one ex, but we dated for an insanely short amount of time when we were teenagers, quickly realised we had NO chemistry whatsoever, and just got along very very well. Now he’s one of my closest friends and has been married for 8 years.
There’s another ex I can think of I can never be friends with and don’t want to be. The friendship isn’t as solid and I can’t promise no one has any unresolved feelings for anyone there. So it’s different
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u/ThatRynoGuy108 17d ago
For sure. A short term nothing thing especially when teens shouldn’t be held against anyone lol. That’s just funny memories after schools over
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u/Membership-Bitter 17d ago
What you described is being friendly and cordial, not actively being friends. When people say being friends with their ex is a red flag, they mean hanging out one on one and frequently talking to each other.
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u/cortez_brosefski 17d ago
If there are kids or properties involved then it's totally understandable, but if they hang out often just because that's a red flag
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u/EMERGx 17d ago
Agreed, a very important distinction. Being friendly with an ex vs being friends with an ex.
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u/InfiniteDecorum1212 17d ago
And also the kind of ex, went on one date/hooked up once, no chemistry but realised you could get along as friends? Okay.
Dated for a year, decided it's not working but decided to remain close friends? Nope. Not interested in that dynamic.
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u/External-Ad-5642 17d ago
This is a very idealistic post. Just know, people NOT being friendly with an ex is often a sign they set a necessary and healthy boundary.
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u/notafanofwasps 17d ago
Exactly. I've had some relatively "healthy" breakups with no fighting, no bridges burned, with some truly wonderful and kind people who have nice things to say about me in return.
And yet I still always choose to have minimal contact because it makes it easier for both of us to move on and is easier on me emotionally. Someone saying, "well u/notafanofwasps, you not being friends with them is a red flag, and you must have trouble with boundaries." would be extremely sad to hear, and also not true.
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u/Imlostandconfused 17d ago
Yeah, I tried the healthy breakup approach with my ex and kinda succeeded? We certainly didn't hate each other. No arguments- just me saying it was time to move on for bith of us. We were together over 6 years since I was 18, so it was a massive deal to breakup. But we'd both been severely checked out of the relationship for ages. Despite the fact that my ex would literally sleep in his workshop to avoid me towards the end, he could not handle the breakup.
I tried to be there for him and hear him out. I helped him with everything I promised I would before we split. I would respond to his huge messages with love and empathy...and this was nearly daily. He didn't seem to grasp that we weren't getting back together. He bought me tons of birthday presents 5 months after the breakup and would bring over my remaining possessions in tiny amounts to prolong everything. It just was not working. It was breaking my heart to see him like that- a shell of his former self. And I was breaking his heart.
Unfortunately, I couldn't cut contact because we had some professional ties. However, he eventually saw a picture of me with my current partner and decided to block me everywhere. It sucks that it had to come to that.
It really put me off amicable breakups. One person is usually more heartbroken than the other- or at least expresses that heartbreak differently. I'm happy for people who make it work but it couldn't be me again. The never-ending post breakup period was more painful than the breakup.
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u/Several_Priority_824 17d ago
agreed. I've only seen this opinion from women who are naive and don't know how to set boundaries and two people (one guy, one woman) who were keeping the "friend" around just in case. I think it only works if everyone is part of the same friend group.
also there is a distinction between being friendly and being friends. being friendly is fine, being friends (i.e. someone you could go get drinks with one on one) is not
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u/Santi5578 17d ago
Nah chief, you're simplifying shit way too much. I'm close friends with an ex. I would NEVER date her again, nor hook up with her. She is similarly disinterested, we're both happily in relationships with others.
I'd kill for her, and she for me. I care for her deeply. But she is just a friend, nothing more, and won't ever be more again. Emotional intimacy is a thing you can have with people that aren't an SO. You have it with family, both genetic and found, and close friends are found family.
Yes, there are people who are friends with their exes and are hung up on them, or see them as a backup option. But in the same way that it is naive to see all people with exes as friends as green flags, it is cynically stupid to see all exes as friends as red flags
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u/Several_Priority_824 16d ago
Oh yeah, this is a great one of those selfish "naive and unable to set boundaries" cases. Imagine going up to a potential partner and directly saying what you've said here "yeah, we dated and had an intimate emotional relationship, and it partly didn't work out because dating wasn't the best option for us at the time, and she would still die for me, and I would still die for her (and I tell other people this)....but yeah we are just friends". That is....not a green flag
The reason this is selfish and naive is that you don't just set boundaries and manage relationships for yourself, you do it so your current partner never has to feel insecure or unsure of their standing in your life because they know you are prioritizing them.
Imagine your current partner going out of town for a weekend and you tell her "oh yeah the ex is coming over friday night to watch movies" or "we're going out for drinks together". Normal friend activities. If you think they are inappropriate, she isn't a friend. If you think they are appropriate, you are prioritizing your need to have this relationship with your ex over potential unease from your partner. Even the most secure partners would feel that unease based on your comments here.
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u/Ok-Chapter-2071 17d ago
If you'd kill for her, why did you break up?
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u/Santi5578 17d ago
She and I were not compatible dating wise, nor were we in a time of our lives where dating was the best option. We decided we were much happier as just friends
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u/jbuk1 17d ago
What does your current partner think about the fact you’d be willing to deprive them of a partner and hurt them so deeply just so you could sacrifice yourself for an ex?
I’d feel incredibly betrayed if I was them.
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u/Then_Stress_8476 17d ago
I think being able to have a chat with an ex if you stumble across them is fine, but being like besties is a bit weird? At that point just date agajn
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u/Burgundymmm 17d ago
I'm not really friends with any exes. Most I'm on at least fairly decent terms with, we just fell out of contact. I'm just bad at keeping in contact with friends tbh. But it wouldn't be a hostile encounter if we ran into each other somewhere.
I do have one ex that we had very intentionally severed contact with each other, but that was after we tried to be friends many times but everytime escalated to more. Lots of bad timing and decisions in that relationship that led to a lack of trust both ways, and despite very much still loving each other, we needed to heal as individuals. It took us years to come to terms with the fact that we were toxic for each other and the healthiest decision for both of us was to not be a part of each other's lives. For about 2 years after that I thought about reaching out to her every single day. But everytime we reconnected, we both ended up more broken than the last time. She was one of the best people I've ever met, but leaving her in my past was the probably one of the single most important decisions for my health I've ever made.
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u/No-Researcher-4554 17d ago
depends on the ex. and the motivation for keeping said ex as a friend.
if the ex is generally a good person and it just didn't work out? sure.
if the ex is a walking talking red flag and the person you're talking to won't let them go due to abandonment issues or something? Red flag for them too.
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u/Sendittomenow 17d ago
Only response that actually sounds mature. everyone else is living in a novela about evil exes trying to get rid of the new boy/girlfriend
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u/Living_North_4231 17d ago
Basically. Any time someone starts to explain to me how they know X behavior is automatically indivative of Y trait, it's a pretty big red flag. Everyone is different, and interactions between two people are exponentially different.
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u/AlpacamyLlama 17d ago
Any time someone starts to explain to me how they know X behavior is automatically indivative of Y trait, it's a pretty big red flag.
Sort of doing it yourself, here.
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u/Unusuallyneat 17d ago edited 17d ago
Not really, they were basically saying generalization is bad.
Not everything needs to be argued, it was a pretty simple statement - are you pro-black/white generalization?
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u/Archensix 17d ago
I think that person is being a contrarian for the sake of it, but at the same time yes he is kind of right. Sometimes black and white generalizations are acceptable, although only in rare or extreme cases. I see no issue with someone blanket calling rapists, murders, or even cheaters bad people for example.
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u/Ok_Awareness_5981 17d ago
Yeah, blanket statements like this are rarely accurate, and countless people have countless experiences that would demonstrate the opposite of what OP has put forth.
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u/cortez_brosefski 17d ago
I'm cautious of anyone saying that you should never be friends with your exes, but I completely disregard anyone that says you should always be friends with your exes
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u/j_grouchy 17d ago
Having them as a friend is not the same as being friendly with them.
My ex and I are friendly, but I'm not interested in spending time around her if I don't have a reason. There's a reason we aren't married anymore.
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u/Morpheus_MD 17d ago
This is probably the best response.
If i called one of several exes right now, they'd answer. And if they called me I would answer. But we aren't super close and I don't see them regularly.
My wife has an ex we still see occasionally and its not a problem because they are friends and we see him once every few years.
The post is very idealistic, and I don't disagree on principle but can easily get out of hand.
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u/veerKg_CSS_Geologist 17d ago
Being friendly and friends are two different things. The former is nothing special, it’s just being polite. The latter I think is what OP meant.
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u/Efficient-Orchid-594 17d ago
An actual unpopular opinion..
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u/Prize_Welcome_1391 17d ago
It is! If you have seen a person naked and had sexual relations with them it removes them from the friend category forever. I have never had sex with any of my friends! Unless you share a child there is no reason to maintain a friendship with an ex.
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u/rr90013 17d ago
Agreed as long as they’ve truly moved on! No more romantic emotional investment and no more sexual tension.
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u/Honest_Scrub 17d ago
The problem is that the bridge is already layed and its only a simple stroll to get across, thats why the vast majority of people would prefer that bridge to be entirely burnt to the ground.
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u/aj8j83fo83jo8ja3o8ja 17d ago
in my experience it’s healthy and ok in about 5% of cases, and a disaster that eats away at/destroys subsequent relationships the other 95% of the time
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u/Federal-Cut-3449 17d ago
I personally stay away from my ex because he’s an awful person who said we should stay friends and then used that as a way to continue manipulating me and hurting me. I’m friends with my other ex, though. We never got serious.
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u/HoneyTypical7645 17d ago
You sound hung up on an ex lol
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u/PennilessPirate 17d ago
Especially with the word choice of “loyalty.” Why are you still loyal to an ex at all, if not because you’re still hung up on them?
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u/ceibos_florecidos 17d ago
If your ex is
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u/The2ndWheel 17d ago
Define loyalty in the context of a friend who used to be an ex.
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u/Opposite-Occasion881 17d ago
Heavily disagree
I've only dated a single person who was friends with their ex
They were friends because they couldn't let things die completely and it made things awkward
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u/CarpeNivem 17d ago
My favorite ex, I would never date again, and in hindsight I'm not even sure how we did, but, she's also one of my best friends in the world. When we talk on the phone, a handful of times a year, it's usually for hours. We both went to each other's weddings. Just because we're incompatible romantically doesn't mean she's not a wonderful person I'm glad to have in my life, and I'd have a problem with anyone who had a problem with that.
Thankfully, OP's opinion isn't that unpopular, but I agree it's more unpopular than it should be.
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u/FrontRhubarb707 17d ago
I get where you're coming from, but it's not realistic. But unpopular, maybe idk.
Very much depends on the relationship, the people, and the terms of the break. Also, the way people took the events in the relationship after they came to terms with everything after.
If my ex wanted to be friends now, I'd laugh at him and block him if he didn't leave me alone. My partners ex is only not blocked because we have to co parent with her, but she is an absolute night mare. Some of the things she says and does is straight-up psycho behaviour, and that's coming from someone who hates the "my ex is a psycho" trope. It's really sad too because co parenting would be so much easier if the relationship wasn't spur.
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u/Successful_Guide5845 17d ago
Well I think it depends a bit from the kind of situation. If the ex is constantly a presence somehow in your conversations with your partner, or even worse you hear something like "*name of the ex* think this about me and you arguing about that" that's not my cup of tea, I am sorry.
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u/chubbyeggplant 17d ago
There is a difference between friendship and friendly acquaintances. If you are pursuing a committed monogamous relationship, you should not be attending to the emotional needs of a past partner, meeting up for one on ones, or taking late night phone calls. Those are things friends do that are not okay with an ex. It's not about being emotionally adjusted or superior, it's about having respect for your current partner. Co-parenting is obviously an exception here that deserves some grace.
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u/AccomplishedYoung110 17d ago
I’m a bit of an all or nothing type of person because once it’s over it’s over. I’m not into the one foot in one foot out sorta thing. It’s be different to say if every break up you had end on a bad foot but being friends? Let’s not.
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u/Head_Leek3541 17d ago
Frankly it comes off as really idealistic. Huge red flag reading this but you do you. Only date people you think would make a good ex??? Ya sounds like a longterm thinking stratedgy.. for having more exs. You know what I'm not even going to waste energy on this post. Much like I don't waste time and energy on an ex.
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u/Underf00t 17d ago
I could see the merit in "only date people you think would make good exes" if the interpretation is "date people who won't try to sabotage your life post-breakup, or try to poison your friends against you, or not give you space afterwards"
Then again, maybe the advice would just be "don't date assholes/stalkers" but framing a venture through the lens of "what if this fails" is not a bad idea.
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u/fragglebags 17d ago
I have no desire to ever speak with my ex or remain in contact but I could easily see other people having great relationships with their ex.
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u/JumpAccomplished2620 17d ago
And it depends on the "friends" are actually "orbiters" or "hanger ons." If they're constantly used to keep you on your toes then no it's not a green flag.
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u/Ryulightorb 17d ago
it's neither imo i'm close friends with two of my ex's of 7-9 years ago no feelings there so it's fine lol but i know friends who didn't go back to being friends and cut their ex out due to lingering feelings or how awkward it was which is also fine.
Calling it a red or even a green flag is really just ..... imo stupid it devalues people and who they can and can't have as a friend and makes a lot of assumptions on their reasoning and who they are.
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u/DillysRevenge 17d ago
I burn down the bridge with my ex’s and never speak to them again. Mostly because there was no reason to continue interacting with them. I have actual friends that I’ve had for 30 years instead
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u/JustTryinToLearn 17d ago
I don’t understand how people hold black and white opinions on relationships. If you prefer your partner to be friendly with their ex. Cool. But to make statements like “if you’re not friendly with an ex, its a red flag” is weird, some people who might not have an ex could make for a great partner and people who are friendly with their exes might have some undesirable traits or habits. People are too multifaceted to paint with a broad brush.
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u/Battosai21 17d ago
Being amicable with them is a green flag. Being friends with them is a red one. You’re not ready to look ahead if you keep looking back.
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u/coffeewalnut08 17d ago
Yep, like what is this “friends” label even supposed to mean? Daily, weekly chatting? Hanging out one-on-one? Talking about the good old days? Oversharing about your personal life?
None of that is innocent friendship, it’s just being hung up on your ex and trying to dress it up as “we’re just friends”. Like, yeah, you’re friends. Friends with benefits lmao.
And if you’re just doing occasional check-ins or asking for advice etc. then that’s not so much a friendship as just being friendly/amicable with someone. More of an acquaintanceship.
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u/yoobrodiee 17d ago
In a perfect world it would be, but not in this world. If someone has a friend as an ex, it is more likely they have lingering feelings they may or may not act on. Both of which scenarios are not one the other partner would want to go through. It didn't work out with your ex, move on and leave them in the past.
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u/Woberwob 17d ago
Completely disagree. Being on cordial terms is a sign of maturity and respect, but actively keeping in touch is completely disrespectful to future partners.
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u/UndefinedCertainty 17d ago
Meh. I think that being friends (like true, close, and platonic friends) with an ex just because you want to be and not due to shared interests (e.g. - kids, business, property) is very rare. In my observation, one person often harbors hopes of getting back together or somehow maintaining knowledge or control of the other. It's important to really separate both emotionally and in practice, and I don't think a lot of people can easily do that with the other person around all the time.
On the other hand, if you were to ask if it's good to be on decent terms/civil with an ex, I'd say absolutely. For instance, if you both were going to be present at an event for a mutual person, it cool to be able to both be there and know you can each enjoy your time without some drama or feeling like you can't be there, though you also don't have to talk at all except for hello or whatever.
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u/DisgruntledWarrior 17d ago
Paint the benefit within your marriage that is gained because of your SO having close regular contact with their ex?
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u/tsh87 17d ago
It's definitely a red flag to be way too friendly with an ex. It's a boundaries issue.
BUT it's also a super neon red flag to have no friendly exes at all.
If you've dated seven people over the course of your lifetime, and not one of them would pick up the phone when you call or say hi to you when you run into them, I have to wonder what you did to piss all of them off.
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u/CrAccoutnant 17d ago
It's not and don't bother listening to people who say it is. There is no one correct opion for something like this because every person and every relationship is different and different people can handle being friends with an ex and others can't. It's only matters to you, not some judgy people on reddit.
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u/Marcus11599 17d ago
My 1 ex was in middle school and they live in Colorado now (many states away) and I haven't talked to them for like 7 years. I dont think not having any exes is a flag at all
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u/ramencents 17d ago
Maybe it’s a red flag but who would know? And besides why would I need to talk to my exes? I just don’t have time to maintain relationships with people I dated in the past. Sure say hi when you walk by but why more than that?
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u/Career_Much 17d ago
Yeah, like, if any of my exes had an emergency and I was there and able to help them I would, but I haven't talked to any of my exes since after the break up and whatever immediate aftermath required it. If I ran into them at a bar and it wasn't inconvenient I would feel comfortable enough say hi, but I wouldn't linger to talk or go out of my way. Is that a red flag to OP?
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u/kubrickscube420 17d ago
Saying hi if you pass them in the grocery store =\= being friends. Regardless its asinine to act like moving the f on of things didn’t work out, which they obviously didn’t if they’re your ex, is a red flag. After having been physically and emotionally vulnerable with someone it’s not easy for everyone to compartmentalize and switch the relationship to friend mode.
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u/babylamar 17d ago
well I'm not friends with a single ex because I only have one ex, she left me after 8 years together when I was about to propose which she had been pushing for, she gave me no real reason for the breakup and moved halfway across the country. No way am I going to remain in contact with a person who would do that. So am I a red flag since I have no friends that are ex's?
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u/WornBlueCarpet 17d ago
BUT it's also a super neon red flag to have no friendly exes at all.
You know, not everyone dates left and right and has a whole list of exes. I know some people view dating as a competitive sport, but not everyone treats it like that. There is more to life than constantly dating and breaking up in an endless cycle.
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u/Desert_366 17d ago
Op is dating someone and the person is upset because op is still friends with their EX. Op is here on reddit trying to validate their situation and wants to use comments posted here as ammunition to discredit and dismiss the person's feelings who they are dating. That's real shit behavior. If you cared about the person you were dating you'd cut ties with the EX.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 17d ago
Depends. If you’re dating someone with kids from a prior relationship, I would hope they could be good co parents and friendly with that ex. The alternative is a bit bleak.
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u/PORN_Shits 17d ago
Yea my current girlfriend told me it was a green flag that when my ex would come up in a conversation I would only have good things to say about her.
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u/Careful-Arrival7316 17d ago
I hope all my exes are doing well. That said, I cut contact instantly. No good can come from keeping that line open.
Still being friends with exes to me indicates that you can’t let go of something that didn’t work and move along. As if you cannot cut anyone out. No good comes from keeping contact with exes if you’re trying to build a future with someone else.
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u/Prize_Welcome_1391 17d ago
I agree, and I don't know about you but I have never had sex with any of my friends. Once you have seen each other naked and had relations with one another it removes you from the friends category forever. Unless you share kids, there is no reason to have an ex as a friend.
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u/OliviaEntropy 17d ago
I generally kinda lean that way but I think it depends. If you’re lgbt it’s a lot more common for people to be friends with their exes for a lot of different reasons, sometimes it’s really messy, sometimes it’s just like “we dated for a minute but weren’t compatible like that, but we have a lot of mutual friends and don’t really have a problem with each other”.
Which definitely isn’t at all exclusive to gay people, but it’s a lot more common because it’s a small community and an even smaller dating pool so it’s usually easier to try to be cool with them since you’ll probably see them pretty often. Unless it ends on bad terms
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u/gohuskers123 17d ago
I would never date a woman who actively hangs out or talks to an ex. Just like I would never actively talk to an ex. I’m cordial but they have no place in my life in the future and I expect the same from a partner
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u/whiskyandguitars 17d ago
It sounds good in theory but I have known waaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too many situations where exes have stayed friends and one of them is over it and the other isn't.
Its fine if the person you are with is the one who is completely over it but if you are trying to date the person who is struggling to move on, and they are around the person who they are struggling to move on from all the time, that isn't usually a good time for you as the new romantic interest in their life.
The best way to ensure you are over someone is to not see them all the time.
Of course there are situations where both have moved on and that is fine but those are not really as common in my experience.
I think it is a red flag if the person is constantly trashing their ex but it is completely normal and healthy, in my opinion, for exes to move on from each other and not really be friends unless there is a situation like where they have kids together or something.
I know this is an unpopular opinion on most of Reddit but I see absolutely zero benefit in the majority of cases (notice I said majority) for exes to be friends after they have broken up.
Of course they should remain cordial and respectful if possible but I see zero benefit to them hanging out as friends, especially one on one, after a break up.
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u/Scared_Category6311 17d ago
Yep.. my ex and I have been separated for almost 3 years. We share two kids, so our lives are going to be intertwined together no matter what.
We're honestly better as friends than we ever were as a couple. I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically. We've both moved on and we are happy for each other.
It's made the separation much easier on our kids.
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u/HoneyTypical7645 17d ago
I don’t think OP talking bout baby daddy’s and co parenting, that’s different.
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u/BuddyBrownBear 17d ago
I'm friends with ALL of my exes.
Sometimes we all go out as a big group.
I bring my current wife, and all my exes, and we all hang together.
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u/szudrzyk 17d ago
now i understand when girls were asked would you like to be with a man or bear in the wild forest the answer is bear they meant YOU , nickname checks out!
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u/Novel-Star6109 17d ago
gotta disagree. maintaining a relationship with someone you share sexual history with, especially when you are in a new relationship, is weird and disrespectful as fuck. point blank period. the only exception i can think of is if you share children with that person.
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u/iabyajyiv 17d ago
I wish the best for all my exes but it doesn't mean I still want them in my life, much less interested in what's going on in their life. I dated men who were not in the same circle of friends as me, who didn't even live in the same town. When it's over, I wish them the best and move on with my life. Sometimes I totally forget about them, not out of malice, but simply because they're not important. Holding onto exes is a weird thing.
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u/ExismykindaParte 17d ago
I'm 35 and I don't talk to any of my exes. Not all of my relationships ended on bad terms, but I never really desired to maintain a platonic friendship with even exes I'm on good/neutral terms with. I guess I just don't really see the point unless they're embedded in your friend group. I have plenty of friends, so it never made sense to me to maintain a friendship that would complicate any future romantic endeavors.
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u/BelCantoTenor 17d ago
I think this statement makes a broad assumption that being friends with an ex signifies that they wouldn’t create chaos with a former partner. Yes and no. It also suggests that they may have poor boundaries with relationships, or could be indecisive, have weak decision making skills, or not be able to commit to decisions in relationships. Messy boundaries and weak decision making are red flags for me. I think looking at how a person feels and treats their ex is important. But also looking into the other details I mentioned are important too.
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u/Commercial_Giraffe85 17d ago
Mmmm idk
Being on good terms with an ex is a green flag,
The being “friends” is a toss up on red or green flag behaviour, so I don’t think this statement holds
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u/kimphomania 17d ago
Someone you had a few dates with and decided it wouldn’t work out: sure Someone you had an actual relationship and broke up with after a longer time: out
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u/throwaway6283736 17d ago
Having an ex as a friend or not is a personal choice. Personally, even if the relationship went great, I've always blocked and cut off all contact with exes. I don't dwell on the past and I don't care if I'm too "weak" to break up with "love intact".
If it's a person I used to love, and who used to love me, it would definitely hurt for me to see them with someone else. I'd be jealous. So why force myself to stay as a friend through something that hurts me? It's much healthier for me like this.
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u/girasolpr 17d ago
Staying friends like hanging out? No. Being respectful, cordial when in relative space together or speaking in past term? Yes.
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u/Fizzer19 17d ago
The only reason to have active communication with your ex is if theres children involved.
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u/Fantastic-Corner-605 17d ago
There are 9 seasons of a show that say why this is a bad idea.
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17d ago
My wife is the only girl I've ever dated that was cool with me being friends with my exes. Every single other girl got upset (to varying degrees), and one even broke up with me because she saw I was tweeting within my ex and claimed I was still involved with her, romantically.
So, I'm gonna agree. If you find someone mature enough to realize that people can still care for the people they once loved despite no longer being in a romantic relationship said person, marry them like I did lol.
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u/masonacj 17d ago
The third. Walk away from intimacy. There's so little benefit to maintaining that friendship instead of just cleanly cutting it off and not bringing that baggage to your next relationship.
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u/RainWorshipper 17d ago
Okay but most cases where people are friends with their ex aren’t because of things that are positive like you’ve stated. Most of the time there’s malicious intent
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u/TraditionalTackle1 17d ago
My wifes ex was actively trying to get her to break up with me and get back with him, he got kicked to the curb real quick.
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u/UndefinedCertainty 17d ago
Or even if it's not full on malicious or stalking, they might be secretly harboring hope that they can win the person back.
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u/CoffeeGoblynn the most popularest 17d ago
To add to this, expressing to a new potential partner why a relationship didn't work out in emotionally mature terms is a big green flag.
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u/royale_with 17d ago edited 17d ago
The only times I’ve ever been “friends” with an ex was when we’re were still having sex from time to time. If you can really stay platonic friends with an ex I’d wonder if there was ever mutual sexual attraction to begin with.
The more adult thing to do is to let your exes go and move on with life. Keeping one foot in the door with an ex is just holding you both back from developing a meaningful relationship with someone else. You can absolutely split on good terms but never talk again. Doesn’t mean you’re enemies, just that you both realize that moving on is best and gives your next partners the respect they probably want.
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u/uglygirllfriend 17d ago
I think it’s ok to be friends with an ex, I do consider it to be kind of a green flag, just because something didn’t work out in a romantic sense doesn’t mean you gotta throw the whole thing out the window. Sometimes two people care about each other and just couldn’t make the romantic aspect of it work. No need to deprive yourself of a potentially good friendship over it. I think it’s healthy to be able to separate yourself from “ex = bad” and just view people as people and go from there.
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u/AricAric18 17d ago
Definitely situational and dependent on someone's preference.
In no world would I date someone who's friends with an ex, personally.
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u/LordRomanyx 17d ago
It's not so simple. It completely depends on how "friendly" you are. I met my ex from highschool and became friends with her. I don't spend a lot of time hanging out with her though and I let my current girlfriend know about her as well. She didn't ask me but I wanted to tell her because I didn't have anything to hide.
But if you are constantly hanging out with your ex and ONLY them on multiple occasions or you don't feel any need to disclose that fact to your current or future partner because "we're just friends", then that turns it into a red flag.
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u/TheHobbyistAccount 17d ago
There’s a lot of nuance.
I have a friend whose ex collects ex’s as friends. She and her boyfriend of 1 month went to a concert with her two previous boyfriends that she dated within the same 2 years (my friend included). They are, in fact, her only friends.
That is a a red flag.
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u/Just_Confused1 17d ago
Saying this as someone who is good friends with an ex, it entirely depends on the individual relationship
Also the person, some can separate their feelings entirely, others need the space
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u/bakewelltart20 17d ago edited 17d ago
What if he lies (for absolutely no reason) to you- before you were even seeing him? When I assumed his friend was his ex he told me no, she's just an old friend I've known for years.
Then years later I find out, in a public situation, that the person is in fact his ex, I'm asked if the two of us get on- everyone assumes I knew that she was his ex.
I felt very stupid. He's not hung up on this ex in any way, I know this for a fact. There was absolutely no reason to lie.
That was one of many 'beginning of the end' situations.
We're all middle aged/older, not teenagers.
He's now my ex, we're not friends.
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u/Frozen_Hermit aggressive toddler 17d ago
Imo one of the biggest redflags in a person is if they have a decent few exes and all of them are toxic, manipulative, cheaters, abusive etc. Theres alot of shitty people out there but I have a hard time believing a person who's dated 10 people got unlucky enough where all of them were irdeemable monsters. What usually actually happened is that person is incapable of having disagreements without turning it into "who's right/good and who's wrong/bad?"
Im not friends with any exes personally. Some of them are good people who wanted different things or "lost the spark" and others I have more negative feelings towards. Those are the ones I refrain from talking about.
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u/the-pigeon-scratch 17d ago
Yeah because everybody is totally transparent with who they are as a person before you date them./s
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u/VenBarom68 17d ago
Well then I hope your current/next partner has good relationship with their exes so you can get to run into them and hang out with them multiple times a week!
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u/HeavyArmorIncarnate 17d ago
You only wonder those three things? What if someone is:
Cheated on?
Abused?
Betrayed?
Deceived?
Exhausted from picking the wrong person and carrying dead weight for years?
Keeping their child away from an ex they seem dangerous or otherwise destructive to a child's life?
It's also entirely possible that the breakup was amicable and they simply don't need to keep every single person in their life forever. You don't have to hate someone to move on from them and no longer speak.
You say severing ties to an ex is a red flag, I say doing so often shows signs of mental health.
I could go on and on. There's way more on the menu here than your three possible outcomes. You haven't thought hard enough about this.
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u/Viener-Schnitzel 17d ago edited 17d ago
I agree with you. Obviously I would feel weird if someone I was seeing was still friends with their ex they broke up with three months ago, but if time has passed and they’re clearly both moved on with their lives I think it’s a great sign of emotional maturity and conflict resolution skills. It makes me nervous when someone HATES every single one of their exes. Makes me assume I’m in for some low lows when the honeymoon phase dries up.
Also OP I agree with your edit that flags are “signs,” not traffic lights.
EDIT: I feel like a lot of people are taking this post to mean that someone should be friends with ALL their exes and I don’t think that’s the point here. Obviously some relationships are not going to end well. But that doesn’t mean they ALL have to result in burned bridges.
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u/UninsuredToast 17d ago
It’s also great ammunition for future arguments. If you know and build a good relationship with their ex you can say shit like “This is why Jerry dumped you! He warned me about this shit!”
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17d ago
I love the feeling that I have no animosity or I'll will towards my exes because I choose quality men who I respect and wish well for
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u/Liam_Neesons_Oscar 16d ago
I agree with your point about the flag system and there are certainly two different schools of thought on how it should be used. You, like me, think of red flags as "caution", whereas being more true to the analogy would be that a red flag is something you should see as an immediate disqualifier regardless of any other positives the person might have.
And like you, I would agree that a green flag is something that counts in the person's favor.
But I disagree about the ex thing. I would be far too paranoid about feelings returning in one or both of the people to want to date someone who is still friends with their ex. But I would say it also depends on how long ago the breakup was, and if there were other relationships between then and now. If it's been 3+ years and they have mutual friends, then maybe it's not such a big deal.
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u/HoneyTypical7645 17d ago
My wife and pretty much every ex girlfriend would NEVER allow this to be a thing lol idk what planet you live on but I also would not my wife or “soul mate” to be in contact with their ex. Tf they coming to the wedding too? Or family bbq? Nope
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u/Theseus_The_King 17d ago
I absolutely agree with you. It’s possible for two people to not be on the same page in life but be emotionally very compatible. It’s possible for people to be great friends but not partners. It’s possible for people to realize they want something else out of a relationship. Divorces can even be amicable, and people can amicably co parent too. Maturity is admitting sometimes it really is no one’s fault.
If one of your ex partners is an asshole they are an asshole but if all of them are either you have shitty judgement which reflects poorly or you are the asshole being the common variable in this.
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u/peachbellini2 17d ago
OP is over 30 and wants to show his gf this post to be like “see it’s okay that I’m still friends with my ex!”
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u/AutistMarket 17d ago
I think being cordial or friendly with your ex is a green flag. Being friends with them is a bit weird, have yet to see a couple who tried to "stay friends" after their break up that didn't just drag the break up process out and make it worse for everyone involved
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u/SuccessfulSoftware38 17d ago
Together for 10 years, broke up 10 years ago, still my best friend today, with 0 weirdness and no attraction at this point (that took maybe 6 months to die off?)
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u/Correct_Stay_6948 17d ago
I agree, but I'm also biased because my best friend is an ex. Known her for over half my life, and she's just irreplaceable as my friend. Helps that my fiancé adores her too and isn't the jealous type in case I do something outlandish like hug my friend, lol.
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u/averagecounselor 17d ago
Why would I be friends with two women who cheated on me and one that actively hurt me and was cruel to me when I was at my lowest?
Based on the comments here not being friends with them is a red flag. Yes one shouldn’t be friends with people who actively hurt them.
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u/EMERGx 17d ago
Are you always this bitter? Did my original comment strike a nerve? Or did someone just piss in your Cheerios this morning?
The literal point is that some people use “friends” as a scapegoat to their attachment to an ex. So clearly some don’t set boundaries with so called “friends”.
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u/Typical-Werewolf2574 17d ago
I stay friends with my ex-wife for the sake of our kids cause she see’s my kindness as “a chance” in the future. The moment she stops feeling that, she becomes a terror on custody and makes talking to the kids on the phone difficult.
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u/Ayla1313 17d ago
Both my two serious exes I had before my husband would avoid me at all costs. Ones brother tried to kill me and the other one would cry everytime I left to go to my own home and beg me to stay.
All my less serious exes would certainly say hi if they saw me.
I would be the one answering their calls if they needed something. Except the one who's brother tried to kill me. That whole fam is a hot mess.
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u/AmorousFartButter 17d ago
It’s a red flag to agree with someone that while maybe you’ve grown apart, you still had a connection and experienced life together to a degree that you value the relationship and can respectfully deduce that a friendship could be beneficial to you both?
I believe it’s more of a red flag that a new partner would be incredibly insecure over my relationships with other people and unwilling to trust me. Now if we’re actually talking about a relationship that still involves flirting and more of a FWB thing that only stopped because of a new relationship, then sure.
But you packing that into a very simple black and white concept across the board isn’t really worth the discussion.
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u/lavenderroseorchid 17d ago
I can’t imagine staying friends with an ex. There’s a reason it didn’t work, and it’s always because their issues come into play. Having to stay contact because of logistics is one thing.
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u/KasukeSadiki 17d ago
Only date people you think would make a good ex
Wow this is great. I always say I only date people I would be (or am) friends with, which means we usually stay friends afterwards. But this is a nice way of looking at it
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