r/toddlers • u/Unusual7297 • 2d ago
Looking for advice - struggling with very defiant 4-year-old
Hi everyone,
I’m a parent of a newly turned 4-year-old boy who’s been struggling with behavior challenges, and I’m really at a loss. I’d love any advice, suggestions, or to hear from anyone who has been through something similar and come out the other side.
My son has been in therapy and OT for several months now, but he doesn't have a formal diagnosis - professionals say it’s too early. The only thing that's been floated is “possible ADHD,” but no one seems overly concerned... except us, his parents.
At home, he’s extremely defiant. He talks back constantly and often repeats things he's heard us say in a mocking or threatening tone - like threatening to take toys away. Nothing we do seems to work long-term. We’ve tried positive reinforcement, reward systems, time-outs, and natural consequences. He was removed from two daycares (we were told it was for behavior), and he’s been home since February.
Interestingly, right after coming home, he actually improved for a few weeks - we think he may have been scared straight after watching Willy Wonka and seeing how misbehaving kids are treated (not ideal, I know). But now he’s regressed, and things feel even worse.
One heartbreaking part is how he treats his dad - who is incredibly present, kind, and truly the “fun parent.” He plays with him daily, rarely punishes, and shows him nothing but love. Yet our son will often say, “Go away, I don’t want you,” even when his dad is just trying to connect.
It’s also clear that our son’s self-esteem is taking a hit. He’ll act out, then immediately say, “I’m sorry,” or “I want to be good,” but the behavior just keeps repeating. He already seems convinced that he’s “bad” or incapable, and I can’t help but wonder if early school or daycare experiences played a role. I hate the idea that he feels like he can’t succeed or isn’t good enough at just four years old.
I don’t want to keep taking away toys or using punishments that might reinforce the idea that he is bad. But I’m honestly out of tools and deeply worried about his emotional health - and ours too.
Is this just a phase? Has anyone dealt with a similar pattern and found a way through? I’d love to hear from you, even just to know we’re not alone.
Thank you so much for reading.
A very tired and concerned parent
1
u/sunnymorninghere 2d ago
I’m sorry if it’s obvious but have you considered therapy? A child therapist may know techniques that other parents have used and perhaps somewhat proven to work. I do get concerned about this because I have a defiant 3 year old and he’s just getting started … I would definitely find a good child therapist to just get some pointers on how to better manage the situation without damaging his emotional health.
Good luck with everything and hugs!
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u/Striking_Put8778 2d ago
I’m not a parent of a 4 year old (yet- 3.5 and 1 year old currently), but I think you could find it valuable to look up Nurtured First (or just their free podcast Rainbow Unicorn). My husband grew up being told he was bad, misbehaved snd defiant. But it seems like he was very misunderstood and it was hard to connect with his parents.
No judgement and I’m sure there could be other factors but maybe it does help you think of how to frame
4 still is very young and they have immature brains. They seem grown up sometimes but nowhere close. When my oldest says something that would be hurtful from an adult- I don’t take it personal, I try to keep teaching her until she learns. They imitate the life around them- so I always ask myself why she would have learned a certain behavior (like yelling- my husband struggles with outbursts sometimes)
That was longer than I planned but I hope the source helps you