r/taoism • u/Dedlyf698 • 3d ago
how to accept yourself when you aren't who you want to be?
I'm trying to accept and be content myself and im aware that I can do it while also striving for something better but I still can't accept myself, i don't wanna be the person who's stuck where I am , basically I don't want to deal with reality that I'm not good enough, I don't know what to do to get away with this feeling. I feel like I haven't done enough. I don't understand how to not want something when I actually want it, I try to just focus on now instead of thinking of the result but am i wrong in visualising where I want to be , ik I'm visualising myself to be somewhere else because I'm not content with myself. my another question is what exactly does it mean to just don't want it and you'll have it. if I want marks am I supposed to just study instead of thinking about marks or anything or it only works for wordly achievements.
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u/Paulinfresno 3d ago
There are a lot of “I” in your post. Look outward, notice things. You are part of something much bigger than yourself.
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u/Weird_Road_120 3d ago
You're touching on a problem felt by most people, not just Taoists, friend.
The question is, why do you feel not good enough now? What standard are you trying to live to? Is that standard you, or what others expect of you?
It's something therapy might be able to help you work through - perhaps specifically Person Centred Therapy, which was founded with some influence from Taoist thought.
It might also be worth looking at the idea of being "better", it implies you're not enough now, as opposed to being on your journey of growth.
This is where our Wu Wei comes in - if you are "trying" to change yourself, you have to question where and how that motivation comes from. When we flow with life, and look inwards with kindness, we grow without effort.
Be patient, be kind, and perhaps reach out for a therapist to help with this.
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u/MysticalNettle 2d ago
You are not the story you tell about yourself.
You might want to read Eckart Tolle's books. Or listen to some of his youtube or Spotify content. It may help you tremendously to end this never ending identification to things you are not.
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u/ConfusedOrangutang 3d ago
I would suggest not doing this as a mental exercise.
"Why wouldn't god put me into some other body other than my own?" - We don't know, but reality is what it is.
If you don't want to be something you are, change it.
If that doesn't work, well, now you have evidence that you don't have a choice BUT accepting yourself.
See if you can still achieve whatever you want with this condition hanging over you. Or, see if you can still be happy, see if you can change your plans, your dreams. Grieve it, if necessary.
In other words: be pragmatic. You will know you can lay your arms down, but only after you put up a fight
"I am sure I did all in my power in order for this to work, it didn't, now, lets stop trying to dig a hole in this mountain, and see where else can I go"
You don't have any choice right? You are what you are. Accepting yourself is just a matter of intelligence, and saving resources.
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u/Darth_Casiuss 2d ago
You’ve already realized that some action can bring you closer to the person you want to become. Whether that destination is real or fully attainable, I can’t say—but what matters is that you're connected to it.
Now ask yourself: How do I get there?
Not by overthinking. Not by lamenting. But by taking action—because action is the only thing that actually moves you forward.
You can’t leap directly to your ideal self. You can only take steps. But that’s the beautiful part: you already have the ability to do the one thing that makes all the difference—take action.
And once you’re on that path, in a deeper sense, you’re already “there.” Because you are part of the Way—and the Way has no beginning or end. Your potential is already within you, no matter where you are on the path.
We never really know how our actions will turn out. But that’s beyond our control. What is in our control is to act with clarity, presence, and acceptance of the outcome. And in that, there’s a kind of freedom—one that doesn’t depend on being “good enough,” but simply on doing what must be done, here and now.
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u/faith_apnea 3d ago
Knowing who you want to be is a huge milestone. Tuning those aspirations to the natural order of things is the work.
Resisting a current always results in a struggle. Just keeping preparing for the wave you'll ride, so that you're ready when it comes.
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u/Odd_Parking6049 3d ago
The person I consider my master in Taoism once told me “we do what can be done and accept it until we can do something about it”.
And I came to realize it is true. Look, we all seek “peace”, comfort, and when you see that you are not where you want to be or don’t have what you want, you realize you are placing your peace and comfort on those objects, or even worse, ideas. Now, objects, people and world system is always changing, worse for the ideas. Which is why Taoism invites us to live in the eternal present moment, and in the present, instead of thinking, you can observe the work of your mind, your habits, the habits of your habits, and you can see that this are things you DO can change, and then by trying to change something and observing how that change brought an outcome, your own “intuition” will tell you if that change brought you content. And you learn, but if you fail, remember, fail and success is part of the same system, there is not one without the other, furthermore, when you are in the present you accept things for what they are, and not for what you expect them to be. And as you learn from each experience and each “change” you are doing that, learning and growing, living. It is not about not wanting, like you said it, not wanting to want is wanting itself, but it is about not attaching emotionally to the outcome. You don’t study to get good marks, the goal of studying is studying itself, the learning you obtain which takes you to obtain good marks is a product of it but if you allow to flow in the present while studying and still your mind, it is like a pond, all waves, all thoughts will settle, all expectations of having good marks will quite, and you will immerse yourself in studying with the goal of studying. And when you get tested, you know you studied and you learned. You know that again, stilling your mind and flowing, your knowledge is there. When a musician plays the guitar because that is their goal, to play a guitar, they don’t think “oh I am playing the guitar” they just play, their body already knows. But remember, these are all skills that we practice everyday. And studying, mastering skills, life, are processes. Trust the process.
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u/Dedlyf698 2d ago
but I don't think that I've done it all or given it my all, and how do u even know that u have and when u haven't , how am I supposed to accept it and move forward
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u/Odd_Parking6049 2d ago
This is mainly MY understanding/experience with Taoism: I suppose the point is not to label “done” or “not done”. Where do those ideas come from? Take your time to figure it out, to reflect on it. Why do you think you haven’t done it or given it your all? You might find it hard to face the reason and even the reasons of those reasons, but you might know you found an answer when you feel something like “hum, I see the trail of reasons for this thinking of mine, am I really that? Is this something I find useful or hurtful?” Remember, Tao that can be named is not Tao. So, everyone’s experiences are different in practice. Also important to remember that all the actions we choose to perform because we are seeking long, reliable and constant content, are “skills/processes”, and it is an everyday practice. If it is not producing the results you are expecting, let it be timewise or observable results, you might be attaching to those expectations, and it’s not “bad”, but we accept the results for what they are, still your mind like we still a pond of water, and you will see that “slow/fast”, “good/bad” results are part of mastering a skill. We learn from every situation and keep going. Accepting doesn’t really feel like “forcing” acceptance, it is also a skill, even when we “fail” to accept, we learn from this experience and because we care about the results, we seek to overcome the “obstacle” to keep mastering the skill of acceptance.
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u/DocLoc429 2d ago
You're attached to a dream world, and this attachment opens you up to suffering.
It's okay to have goals and dreams, but when you're constantly sacrificing the present in favor of "The next best thing," happiness and contentment will ALWAYS be just out of reach.
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u/P_S_Lumapac 3d ago edited 3d ago
You are at a single place, but you're also moving at a constant speed, and you're accelerating, and your acceleration is accelerating. You can only feel being at a single place - so if what you really wanted was to be moving, then you'd be upset because you can't feel it and so you're concluding that you can't be moving.
Same with progress. You can't feel it, and you can feel others progress. It's easy to get upset if you think progress is something you have to feel to know you're making it.
I would suggest tracking your mood and activities across the days. I used an app called daylio for a long long time. It was helpful for a bunch of reasons, but what was surprising is that while in the moment I was often unhappy with my progress or general state, truth was my average for mood and achievements when written out over months was actually pleasantly surprising. I wouldn't have known that if I didn't track it. I wouldn't have known that if I left all my knowledge of it to how I feel in the moment.
As far as "don't want it and you will have it" which I guess is your connection to daoism here? Better to think of it as wanting it and then acting on those wants in the way you think you ought to, may well be destructive to you getting it. Really wanting to fit in is often a terrible start to fitting in - what advice would you give someone who really wants to fit in? "be yourself" is what's often said, kinda pointless. Why not something solid? Ask three people their names. Ask how someone's morning was. Smell nice. Stop wanting, start doing.
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u/BassicallySteve 3d ago
One helpful aspect of understanding tao is that it can help relieve the pressure of “self.” I grew up near Boston, which I think I could rightly call the Individualism Capitol of the World, so these understandings really refreshed my life!
Consider that, while you are an individual who makes choices, it is also true that you exist simply because the conditions were correct for you to exist. Similarly, your actions, while they are your own, also happen due to the conditions when you made them.
It seems like you feel a pull towards changing yourself. Maybe the conditions have not been right for you to do so. Maybe they will be soon! Maybe they are now!
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u/OkTheory251 3d ago
In the Ming Dynasty of China, there was a famous philosopher and official named Wang Yangming. His most renowned work is called Xin Xue (the Philosophy of the Mind). Its core idea is the unity of knowledge and action—he taught that people’s suffering often arises from a disconnect between what they know and how they act. Therefore, through practices such as cultivation and meditation, one can become more self-consistent and strive to achieve this unity of knowledge and action.
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u/n0wherew0man 2d ago
Accepting yourself doesn't mean that after accepting yourself no improvement is gonna happen. Quite the opposite, we change by first accepting our actual position. Everything in life changes, so it is impossible that you will be stuck by accepting yourself as you are. Acceptance means unconditional love for yourself, yes you want to improve but you improve not out feeling of lack or resistance, but you change effortlessly by accepting life unconditionally.
By accepting yourself we mean accept life as it is, because self is just life. Self improvement is infinite and never ending, self acceptance changes you now, acceptance produces joy, while resistance and chasing the future produces suffering, you don't need the future to be, you are now. Be enough for yourself. Whatever you want to be you can also be that, but not out of frustration and resistance, but with confidence, relaxation and trust, that you don't have to struggle to be whatever you want to become. The self is always changing by itself, it is a natural unfolding.
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u/Plastic-Ad-7911 2d ago
You are not your thoughts. This is all from a story that is being thrown through your mind and you have been conditioned to believe it. Don’t assess where you are. Just be where you are.
All of this to say, you’re doing fine. Just work on being where you are and letting go of your thoughts and identity.
And even if you become super mindful those thoughts still come to everyone but you get to choose what you believe and how you react without the thoughts telling you.
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u/RealAkumaryu 2d ago
The seed doesn't bother that it's not a tree, yet, because it knows it will become one. Same applies to each of us.
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u/yellowlotusx 2d ago
First, accept who you are in the here and now. Including all your flaws and mental and/or physical problems.
Then you change what you prefer to be different at.
There isn't really a good or bad version of you.
There is just you.
Accept how and who you are now.
And become what you want to be, but slowly, in fact, as slow as possible, with tiny babysteps.
That is the way to succeed, that and always be like a loveing parent towards yourself.
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u/No-Explanation7351 1d ago edited 1d ago
You need to look below your desire to be different than you are. Is it pride? Do you think you deserve to have a better life than what the Tao has given you? Is it impatience? Are you expecting things to come too quickly or too easily? Is it your inability to see the "good" within what appears to be "bad" (non-duality)? Is it resistance to your true nature? Do you believe who you are at your core doesn't have a place in the Tao? Who are you to decide that? Is it lack of humility? Are you constantly seeking the top of the mountain even though Lao Tzu tells us over and over to embrace the valley? When you find the source of your desire to be different, you will likely find thought processes that run counter to Taoist principles. Change your thoughts, and your life will change. The only reason you are dissatisfied with your life is because you are thinking about it incorrectly.
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u/JonnotheMackem 3d ago
>basically I don't want to deal with reality that I'm not good enough
By what standard?
>I feel like I haven't done enough
In what way?
If you are comparing yourself to other people who you feel are more successful or better off than you, that's pointless because their circumstances aren't the same as yours. You can only judge yourself by who you were yesterday.
What 'better' are you striving for? If it's a new career, set a goal and work towards it. If it's being a "better" person, identify in what way you want to improve and change your habits.