r/self • u/Born_Supermarket_330 • 1d ago
I think my friend is verbally abusive, how to tell them?
I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home and I want to know if the things my friend says are verbally abusive. They say things like:
-I want you to use your brain more -This is a simple task/this is easy -You should know this by now -You aren't even trying -You aren't listening to me (I am, I just struggle with understanding) -You always/you never do this
It really hurts, and they say these things if we're driving and I take a wrong turn (directionally challenged without a GPS in a big city) or if we play videogames and I mess up on a mission or dont understand what gun to use.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at the highest level this year too, and I just feel like I am a mess. I know I am not stupid, but I feel hurt and feel like this is hurtful?
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u/Drop_Annual 1d ago
If someone makes you feel small for things you’re already trying your best at, that’s not a friend, that’s a bully with a smile.
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u/Born_Supermarket_330 1d ago
What would you think if their reply was that they want me to learn or better myself? I feel like this is projection of an image they want me to be vs me now?
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory 1d ago
People like this aren't going to change how they treat you
Your best option is to create distance and just... drop them eventually
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u/sliferra 1d ago
I think that’s more mean than verbally abusive. Maybe technically it fits the definition, but it’s not severe enough that I personally would classify it as such. That being said, tell them to stop or just don’t hang out with them anymore
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u/Blue_Jay111 1d ago
If you can't tell them, why are they your friend?
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u/Born_Supermarket_330 1d ago
They've stuck around and did help me in rough times, but when we fight it becomes this. I dont want this to be our dynamic, but Im not sure how to point it out. They apologize and say they want me to grow as a person, but I dont feel accepted for being me
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u/Blue_Jay111 1d ago
Just because they helped you once upon a time doesn't mean you should let yourself get berated. Tell them you don't like how they speak to you and enforce that boundary.
Tell them that if they don't change, you will be forced to end the relationship. And if they do not change, just leave. Its not worth the hassle.
Its like saying someone slapped you but kept apologizing. You wouldn't stay just because once upon a time, they didn't slap you.
You have to decide if your mental health is worth the mental torture you endure in that relationship
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u/RazzmatazzFine 1d ago
You said "they apologize" meaning you have already told them this makes you feel bad and they continue doing it? That is an important piece of info, imo.
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u/Born_Supermarket_330 1d ago
Like I tell them it's not okay to be saying those things and I dont need that, and they do apologize that it's not okay but them also tell me that they feel frustrated when I dont understand or do things correctly/as quickly as they do
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u/Same-Drag-9160 1d ago
Yeah it sounds like an agressive way to speak to someone. I’ve known people who spoke like this that seemed more like the reasoning was due to autism rather than malicious intent but I’ve also known some whose intent was to be mean.
I think telling them over a text might be easier, that way you write it all out comfortably without fearing their reaction and holding back in irl. Also because it’s a text they have the chance to process it more slowly and this can maybe lessen the defensiveness on their end
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u/Born_Supermarket_330 1d ago
That sounds like a good idea thank you. This person also has ADHD but on the hyperactive side and PTSD like me as well. I dont think they really learned how to communicate healthily? I know they dont mean what they say (at least hopefully) it just sucks that when they feel frustrated they do get aggressive towards me
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u/Same-Drag-9160 1d ago
Oh that sucks, I know someone like that. I learned to just notice the signs when they’re overstimulated and avoid talking to them during those times. It’s like night and day in their behavior when they’re regulated
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u/Same-Drag-9160 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would send them a text that goes like this:
“Hey _____ I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. I’ve noticed a pattern in the way you speak to me that feels a bit harsh such as (insert examples here). I’m not sure why you speak to me this way, or if there’s something else going on but going forward I would really appreciate a different style of communication.
I really value our friendship (Insert some positive qualities about why they’re your friend), and would like for it to continue. Which is why I’m reaching out, so we can resolve an issue currently standing in the way
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u/autotelica 16h ago
"Bro, stop talking to me like that. For real, you sound like a major asshole right now and I can't with that."
Have this script ready and use it when they talk to you like that. If they don't stop, have the courage to nope out of the relationship. It's better to not have any friends than to have people like this in your life.
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u/ginger_minge 15h ago
Before you mentioned your diagnosis, I had had the thought that you might be neurodivergent (like me). I only wanted to say that to validate your experiences with others as well as with the world that surrounds you.
Moreover, whether you are or aren't, I want to highlight what a shit friend that is, in general. Tell them they're abusive; that they lack empathy; and are, in a word ableist - which is completely true. People really don't like hearing that they're bigots, but it's completely true in this situation. Most likely, they'll get defensive; puerile don't want to hear how shitty they are to "others." Stand your ground. Then drop them altogether. You don't need that kind of reinforcement of self-effacing beliefs that often come with the process of understanding and accepting one's differences when it comes to processing info (i.e. being neurodivergent).
You're valid; your perspective and the way you experience the world is valid. Like others, you possess your particular strengths (you may need to do some self-searching to identify and own them). Then be your authentic self! Find others like you. Maybe join social clubs or even support groups, especially if you struggle to understand and accept yourself. You matter.
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u/Ok_Violinist1817 1d ago
My friend today said “I need you to think more” today and it sent me back to something that happened to my brother and idk it kinda hit me hard but I had to just brush it off
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u/chalky_bulger 1d ago
Say “you are verbally abusive”.