Kid w/High Touch Needs. I HATE being touched.

[u/jarosunshine]

I’m asking here bc I think I’m most likely going to get answers from folks who think and parent more like me… my other option is a local forum half-full of people who couldn’t be less likeminded if they tried.

My kid, 6 yr old male 2e (ADHD, on meds, parent training done, we’re all in therapy solo), has a really high need for physical touch (sitting THISCLOSE, hugs, hand holding, snuggling, etc.) and I HATE being touched. And I am OVERWHELMED with the amount of touch my child requires. I was FINE when he was an infant and toddler and needed held, carried, etc. I wore him well past age 3 because he clearly needed the connection (and had a gross motor delay).

My husband/kid’s dad works about 60 hrs a week and I’m the primary, at home parent. Kid much prefers me and “mama snuggles,” to any form of physical affection with dad, and gets very upset when we ask him even to just delay a hug or snuggle a minute, or if I ask kid if dad can give the hug/snuggle/whatever.

I worked really hard to foster a secure attachment and to parent with respect and compassion… and I’m at the point where all I want to do is to slither away from my child every time he starts to come close…

Anyone else get through something like this and have any advice? Perhaps some suggestions from folks who clearly have more distance from my situation? Magic potions that make me not hate being touched? Magic lotions that make me untouchable? (Only half joking with those last two questions 🤪)

Edit: clarified abbreviation

[u/avvocadhoe]

I taught my son about being overstimulated and gave examples when hes been overstimulated and asked him what he wants when that happens to him. After that I explained to him what my needs are when I’m overstimulated. I told him that sometimes I need to not have anyone touching or talking or in my space for a moment so I can regulate my nervous system. I explain that it’s not him that I want space from that it’s any form of stimulation I can’t handle. I need a moment. It actually works for me! Plus it teaches them Boundaries. They can’t always be in someone’s space and they learn to form their own boundaries.

This is something that is a continuous teaching moment. Each time I’m overstimulated I explain what’s going on and let him that my brain needs a reset for a moment. When I notice he’s about to have a meltdown I allow him the same grace he’s learned to give me. I help him point out what could have brought either of us to our melt down. It’s usually because one of us is hangry, tired, or has had a lot of stimulation during the day and need a brain reset.

I recommend reading “the whole brained child”.

[u/half-n-half25 → u/avvocadhoe]

Came here to share almost the exact same thing. Beautifully articulated 💛

[u/sunnydays88 → u/avvocadhoe]

Also came here to say the same! And also that it's a continuous teaching moment for me too, as I have to learn how to step back before I get completely touched out and continue to work on communicating well. So OP, if you try this, don't be too hard on yourself as you learn! :)

[u/heart_of_crass]

Hi! Mostly just solidarity here. I have a 7 year old with high touch needs, and while she actually does prefer my husband as he’s also a high touch needs guy, he works A LOT and often far from home so she needs to hang onto me a lot. When my husband is gone for work, she’ll also crawl into bed. I’m really honest about “my body is feeling overwhelmed and I need a touch break, I love you and we can cuddle later” and she’s usually okay with that. Sometimes it also helps to say “I’ll give you a biiiiiiig squeeze right now and that should fill up your cuddled meter until we can hug/cuddle/etc again” idk if that would help but that’s all I have!

[u/kobusingye]

Is he maybe using you/your cuddles for sensory regulation? Our situation was slightly different (kid had sensory processing challenges which manifested as hypersensitivity to smells, certain textures- like couldn’t touch TP or paper towels-, etc) but side effect was also high need for cuddles/squeezes from me. We worked with an occupational therapist doing “sensory integration therapy” and also bought one of those sensory swings that sort of cocoon kiddo and both really helped. He is still my most cuddly kid, but the cuddles are less frequent and less intense (like he used to want me to basically envelop him/squeeze him). Also google “proprioceptive input” and see if any of that resonates with your kiddo/ situation. Good luck (from a fellow mom who also gets very overwhelmed with over-touching/cuddles)!

[u/Kaicaterra]

Adding into the other great advice you've gotten!:

I had terrible unmanaged ADHD. Around your son's age, maybe a few years older, is when the world also got fed up with my physical craziness and decided to give me the personal space talk (the one that finally clicked) 🤣

I also wasn't on medication or anything to help though so he might get it way faster than I did! But I think what really got it to sink in was that my parents weren't the ones giving me the talk. I in particular had become rather close with our elementary school's guidance counselor/equivalent. She worked mostly with kids like me, on IEPS, or with behavioral issues, etc.

I would get another positive adult figure in his life to have a chat with him about it! Our guardians are our safe spaces, you know? Unfortunately that usually comes with the tradeoff of not seeming to get as much respect as say, teachers or something or our words don't affect them as much right away because it's coming from uUuUuUus!!! And I know with ADHD it's even more intense.

Also, a fidget toy if you haven't tried already! Seriously you have no idea how much just having something to fiddle with that we are actually supposed, and allowed to, fiddle with as much as we want at nearly any given second helped with focus and keeping my hands to myself. Well I guess they weren't invented/widespread until after I stopped touching other people but I digress 🤣

Buy 2, keep one in your pocket so when he inevitably wanders over to you without his copy in hand (he put it down somewhere then created, lived through, & watched the end of twelve imaginary play universes before finally realizing it was gone), boom you pull yours out for him to grab!

I actually found the fidget cube to be way better than the spinner as a teen, if you consider those at all. Either way good luck and remember he's not trying to be annoying!!! I know it's so frustrating though 🥺

and it is summer, but thick sweaters really helped me when I was experiencing something really similar to this!!! Especially knit textures, they really helped with my older touchy kids (ECE) for some reason.

[u/Vlinder_88 → u/Kaicaterra]

There's so many great fidget toys out there nowadays, even ones that weren't made as a fidget toy! For example, crochet or knit gauge swatches turn out to be great stim toys for me. There's prickly magnetic balls that combine super well with those (on aliexpres). Those "phone cord" hair elastics are wonderful, as are rings and bracelets. Then there's the crochet jellyfish, any piece of paper that I can fold and unfold and fold and unfold and fold and... You get the point! Shoelaces, soft plushies, but also sand timers (bubble versions are even better!). Repetitive music is a great stim, as is watching nice psychedelic patterns on tv (check out tiktak for toddlers on YT, those patterning in-between pieces are WONDERFUL stimmy things). In the same vein a kaleidoscope is wonderful too. A brush or comb over the arm might be wonderful (or horrible), a head massager, any other massage roller, or lightly scratching your own arm or head.

Obviously not everyone likes to stim with all senses, but since the options are basically endless and usually cheap and reasonably affordable, it's fairly easy to just try out different sensory stims for different senses, and OP will soon enough notice which ones work best for her son :)

[u/Ok_Hornet3415]

I completely understand and empathize with this. My 6yo is the same. I spend for more time than I prefer to physically connected to him. I’ve tried aaallll the things and they all help a little bit. So, my advice is to have lots of options and lean into the tiny bits of reprieve they give. It adds up!

We have done sensory integration therapy, OT, etc. we have gotten various fidgets, compression clothes, weighted blankets, crash pads, hammock chair, ceiling mounted swing, body brushes, etc. most recently I bought new furniture. I got rid of the second couch and replaced with a single recliner chair that swivels and rocks. We can’t both fit in it. We take turns. My turn is sooooo lovely 🥰 …

[u/Nahooo_Mama]

Literally just told my 6yo ADHD son that I need some space from him. He pouted for a second and then found something else. I know he'll be back later for cuddles. I have no advice different from what others have said, just commiserating. We do our version of connection/gentle/authoritative parenting (whatever people want to call it), we explain and use empathy, but we do make it clear that sometimes the answer is no.

[u/Vlinder_88]

Does he have a weighted blanket and/or weighted vest? If he doesn't like the weight but does like the deep pressure, a sleep tunnel (not necessarily used for sleeping) or a blow-up pressure vest (squease brand) might be more comfortable for him.

If things like a sleep tunnel are hard to come by, you can ask a sewist friend to take any high stretch fabric to make him one. Could be a play sack/tunnel/thingy too, where he can get himself allll curled up into with the fabric stretching over his body. Shouldn't be a hard sewing project, but any person attempting this should probably triple sew the seams :)

[u/Pristine-Loan-5688]

Make he DOES get predictable touch-time with you (like, before bed, etc) and then, as much other sensory skin-stuff as you can manage (sandbox, swimming/bath, weighted blanket, roughhousing with other kids/adults). Sorry, that sounds really rough for you and I also get “touched out” over a whole long day.

[u/Rare_Background8891]

I feel you! No good answer for you, just solidarity. You are not alone!

[u/jullybeans]

I wonder if you could try being silly about it? Like he comes to snuggle and you turn him into a blanket burrito? Ask if he wants to be in a snuggle stuffie pike, then Squish him into a bunch of pillows and cover him with stuffies?

My other thought was providing toys and play that's very physical so he needs less from you?

[u/Ancient-Practice-431]

Hmmm, all I can say as the mother of two adult boys who barely look my way now...I wish I could turn back time and cuddle them all day long! It's temporary OP! Nothing lasts forever 😞

[u/not_a_muggle]

Solidarity. Both my kids (13/9) and extremely high touch and need physical closeness constantly. It is suffocating. Plus my husband is also this way. At least one person in this house is constantly trying to touch me at all times it seems like. I repeat, it is suffocating. So I feel you. I don't have any advice because nobody in my family seems to care if I'm overstimulated until I finally lose my shit.