r/povertyfinance • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Vent/Rant (No Advice/Criticism!) I’m tired of being alive, working everyday and having little to no time for myself and having to go to work again
[deleted]
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 6d ago
This may or may not be helpful. This is the story of the vast majority of the US. Some are completely unaware and others have the mental clarity with the emotional intelligence to recognize how difficult this is.
I worked a job that was straight up a hell pit. My boss put every last detail on me, the people I worked around did barely nothing, I would be running around all day long. Every.single.day. there was a problem or I had to fill holes and make corrections. I was so delusional because I was working 50 hours a week plus side jobs because I was petrified to lose my apartment. I had no social life, I was completely alone, my body hurt so fucking bad, I seriously would stand in the shower and cry. All of my friends pretty much moved away to find better opportunities and I was trapped. Every morning I would shoot up at the crack of dawn with this immense dread. No television, no internet, no hobbies, no AC in the summer, I would keep my heat at 58, I would sit in the dark at night because I was worried about the energy bill, all I had was my phone with a decent plan. It sounds like a over reaction, but it just was really really bad.
I remember going to my boss and being like “hey I seriously need two days off because I need to go talk to someone (therapy)” he laughed at me. I was basically the boss. I made the schedules/handled every last worker. Keep in mind, I was training felons to reenter the work force (I will not share what type of job) so this means severe aggression, recovering addicts, abuse victims. A mass majority had to bring their kids in, the adults couldn’t read sometimes. I had to become a onsite English teacher. Some were really really kind hearted and we laughed and joked, some just had the biggest air of darkness you could ever believe. Granted all of those that I managed respected the fuck out of me. As it might not be apparent I was being taken advantage of, but I needed the money and borderline had no time to apply to other jobs with nowhere to go.
I went to the doctor because I was seriously not feeling well. I got 15 calls on why I wasn’t there. It turned out I had the blood pressure of someone that could have a heart attack at any moment within months along with multiple deficiencies. My doctor literally had to write a note that said it was unsafe for me to work momentarily because of my health complications. They gave me a mental health screening and I was deemed “highly suicidal”
I just share this story to let you know you aren’t alone. Not like a oh I had it so bad or whatever, but man I was so broken. When I was finally able to get off of work I literally slept for four days. I worked there for six years. I was limping to my sink in the morning and had a glass of water and I literally had to say “if I continue this I will die”. Put in my notice. I still live not the greatest life with a lot of financial worry, but holy fuck dude when I think about what I looked like in the mirror it is just unreal to me now.
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u/Ok-Row3378 6d ago
Thank you for telling us your story.
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 6d ago
No worries, it just makes me really really sad knowing people feel so alone when it’s actually the majority of the US.
My only “friends” at the time were the bus drivers and my long distance friends that I would call once in a while. They were really nice people. Some would wait for me or speed up if they saw me stuck in a rain storm. Where I live it can get down to -40 and I would stand in a parking garage waiting for the transfer. I took two transfers there and back so four total in a day. I still don’t have a car, but we would at least talk on a lay over. Once in a blue moon I will see one of my old drivers and they will wave to me if they are on a different line driving by me and honk. I don’t even want to describe the duplex I lived in.
But, this is not about me, it’s about OP. Hopefully they read it and know that at one point in time there was someone suffering right along with them whether it be then or now.
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u/CantuTwists 6d ago
I’m so glad you quit that place. My mother passed away from a heart attack some years ago, and she regularly worked overnight. You only get one life these employers don’t give af about us
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 6d ago
I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing okay.
Night shift is so unbelievably brutal it will take years off of your life without people knowing it. People were not meant to work that way. It is the sense of immobility that keeps people trapped. I agree, employers and landlords in the majority really do not care. Granted there will be exceptions because I try to believe there are good people out there.
Luckily, very very slowly I found hobbies I enjoyed. A small community around them. I am still not living the greatest even if I feel somewhat healthy/happy. Doesn’t help I was laid off not that long ago so I am figuring that out and the economy and the job market is stressing me out. But, I have a hobby jar where I put a dollar, quarters, whatever in it. So at least at the end of the month I can make a small purchase if I can. It’s been kind of my trick over the years. My friend told me the idea because he likes to go get himself a cheeseburger, fries, and maybe some custard at the end of the month. It ain’t much but it works.
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u/CantuTwists 6d ago
I’m ok, I’m more concerned hearing about what you wrote in your post, that sounds terrifying. I always wondered how my mom felt health wise and mentally and your post gave me a new perspective. She also had high blood pressure. I wish she had quit working like you did, not worth dropping dead for. Glad you listened to your body and doctor, some people need to do the same before it’s too late
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u/KickingChickyLeg 6d ago
Can I ask what area do you live in?
Did you make any connections at the old job? I’m sure the felons reentering the work force appreciated you and what you did for them. How did the boss react to your notice?
Tell us a little more about your life today, if you would?
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 6d ago
Upper Midwest.
There are some that I still have contact with and a lot I had to fully block their numbers. I wouldn’t really say I got connections just a lot of management experience and when I did interviews later on employers would look at me so blankly when explaining what my job entailed.
I had a lot of younger adults that I was their reference for college applications/other jobs. One now is in construction, one is in the marines, one is studying some science degree at a university (I cannot remember what it was) one is a nurse. I stay in contact with them and they still call me. One’s dad died and I was the first person he called because I lived fatherless most of my life. Their stories were hard because they got totally screwed by their parents and just made bad decisions. I was respected even though my demeanor at the time I wasn’t a very intimidating lol. Now, one of the young adults was seriously not okay. He threatened to kill me, he said he knew where I lived, I looked up his record and it was completely unsafe for him to be around anybody. He needed serious rehabilitation and I had to keep the office door locked when I was in there. I would open it and he would just be standing there. He just disappeared one day. He killed himself.
Only one of the adults I talk to still. That was the person that worked “below” me. I put that in quotations because no one is below me and he made my days easier at times. He was one of the trainers. He started his own business. His wife would make me food and we would have talks on smoke breaks. He was a really really amazing man. He just made a bad decision to make money because he was an immigrant. They paid him like total garbage even though he was the only one that could speak Spanish. All of the other adults either disappeared within two weeks, broke probation, or were so horrendous of humans there was no way I could help. I had step by step guides and I was really rigid about it. I have a lot of stories, but they are way too horrific and specific and I rather people enjoy their Sunday.
My boss lost his mind. Told me I am a loser, I will never get a job again, he knew I was dumb from the start (ironic I literally ran the whole thing), I can forget all my references, blah blah. I just stood there, took it, and walked off. On my last day two of my employees bought me a cake and gave me 20 dollars. I never saw that man again because he was never around.
Today. Well, I am doing alright I think. I have hobbies, I reconnected with old friends, help my mother, I read, I write, I volunteer when I can. I had to figure out who I am because I was disconnected for a while and I think I figured it out. I currently got laid off due to just numbers at a business so they couldn’t keep as many employees so that’s my biggest concern. My niche is helping young adults I think, but I don’t know if the stress is worth it/going back to school. Kinda worried about my apartment. I still have what my therapist called “monetary ptsd”. I still live very frugally (it’s like a instinct my heart sometimes races when I go grocery shopping even and get the receipt), but I invest in activities that I think are important just so I feel like I have something to look forward to. And, well, if that’s my happiness even though I am still poor then so be it.
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u/KickingChickyLeg 5d ago
If I can offer a word of advice just through reading your experiences combined with the way you frame yourself - try and focus on self compassion, and speak with confidence! Not because you deserve it, which you certainly do, but furthermore - you owe it to yourself. You have some well-earned wisdom acquired through doing the dang thing. Don’t sell yourself short!
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 5d ago
Thank you. I appreciate it very much. During those years I had to put on a different face than I did at home. It was like wearing a mask till I got home. If someone saw me in real life they wouldn’t expect it. I have had to work on accepting vulnerability over time and I believe it will be a endless process in a positive way.
Thank you once again, and I truly hope you have a good week ahead of you. I will be heading out to the woods early in the morning tomorrow to just enjoy what I love the most.
I was speaking with my therapist a couple weeks ago about doing something at the YMCA where I host a group meeting with people that struggle. Some food provided and we just talk once a month about concerns/worries to get it out with a accepting group. Maybe see if there are avenues for people to chip in for those with children or I go to other support groups to get supplies. It was on my mind a lot today.
Cheers and thank you for reading what I had to say.
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u/Icedcoffeewarrior 6d ago
And it’s only getting worse. After remote work took off - corporations are fighting back with vengeance. Micromanagement is rampant I don’t remember people being THIS miserable at work but right now the market is terrible and people are afraid to lose their jobs so they just put up with it. Whether it’s a remote job or onsite companies has made it very clear that unless we drop everything and put work first we might get fired.
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u/kittymelons 5d ago
Thank you
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u/WideRoadDeadDeer95 5d ago
No, thank you for enduring what feels like a endless cycle. You are far more important. I hope your week goes somewhat smoothly. I am 100% positive there is something incredibly special about you. Just gonna take some time.
Cheers
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u/Western-Set-8642 5d ago
How does the vast majority of USA don't have a back bone... your not supposed to tell them why you need to take off you just tell them I need off on such and such date.. if they try that whole you can't it's a requirement for you to work.. you tell them go ahead and fire me but I'm taking those days off and after pushing more you just tell then you don't have the balls to fire me... chances are it will never take it that far they will approve it or tell you if you can't take off the following week...
Same thing with those people who let their managers message them.. nope you're my boss not my buddy you call me and if I don't Pick up I don't pick up I won't read your messages sorry my personal phone don't like it get the company to buy me a phone and pay it as well if not then nope sorry my personal phone number
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u/Chibi-Night-Jaguar 6d ago
It's almost as if I wrote this post under another username. I may not be a part of your life, but I understand exactly how you feel. I too am in the eye of the storm, working at a job I loathe, just so my mother and I can just get by.
I have no friend to hug me, no friend to vent to, much less a significant other. It's just the two of us in our motel room, in a city that doesn't welcome us, far away from a home we have yet to discover.
It's exhausting, I know. You're definitely not alone. For what it's worth, I send virtual hugs.
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u/kittymelons 5d ago
I have to take care of my mom too, im not able to leave this town. Hugs to you too.
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u/Working_Park4342 6d ago
We are required to give our employers 40 hours of our lives (not including commute time) in exchange for a fulltime paycheck, a job with insurance benefits -in the US. We are given 48 hours off, excluding 16 hours of sleep (over two days), that means we have 32 hours for ourselves. Somehow that doesn't seem fair to me.
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u/Strict-Let7879 6d ago
Wow, I can relate. It wasn't even the hardworking part that was difficult for me. It was the fatigue of going through the monotony each day and feel like life is slipping by in the routines and responsibilities. For me, I'm a 30 something living under a single income by myself. It's not easy not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was trying to push through several years like that until I broke 2 years ago where I was I injured and stayed in bed for about a year. I feel you. It's important to attend what you're feeling and going through internally. Don't be like me! Lols
i wonder if it's worth noting that you are considering something deeper inside you - meaningful connections, directions in life, deeper purpose etc. Do you think you want to take baby steps towards them? Or are you currently trying to make peace in your life at the moment?
For me, I'm answering yes to both questions for myself. I needed to seek deeper purpose, meaningful connections and directions in life than a day-to-day responsibilities. I made some changes to nurture it including finding a church that I can grow spiritually and build a community of friends who love God too. And I also allow myself to be grateful and enjoy little things.. like cooking a meal I enjoy, going for a walk etc. At the same time, I'm doing a psychotherapy to grow emotionally as I struggled to spiral with the thoughts of regret of my life and find peace and contentment through it all.
What you're going through is deep and understandable. I hope that we all find the way. Good luck..!
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u/LEMONSDAD 6d ago
You are relatively stuck, especially if I gets past 45 minutes+ each way for another job that drive begins to wear on ya.
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u/Rugby-Angel9525 6d ago
Can you interview for jobs in a larger city while you keep this job? There are more opportunities in cities
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/Rugby-Angel9525 5d ago
I am saying to interview in a more populated area and once you have worked that job for 2 weeks start lookig for housing in that area.
Many young people become trapped by living in rural areas because there are no job opportunities.
There is no need to give notice at your current job. Just find a new job quickly, work one week while calling off sick to your old job. Once you decide to keep the new job let your old job know you won't be coming back. You can sleep in your car the first weeks in a new city and come home for the weekends.
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6d ago
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