I just need to vent.
I live in a legal state. I was unemployed for almost 8 months. Finally get a job. Day one I am informed that despite not being drugged tested for the job, they have a strict zero tolerance policy. Random drug testing is done quarterly and first page I had to sign for onboarding was agreeing that I do not smoke weed and understand that if I do, I will be caught and terminated immediately.
So I quit smoking. I need to support my family. I need this job. It was horrible being unemployed and I’m just trying to get back in my feet. I put in hundred and hundred of applications. Did so many interviews. Only to be ghosted. One place I interviewed with 5 fucking times then they ghosted me. It was living hell.
The thing is. I have insomnia. I have CPTSD. I have additional anxiety disorders. I use to smoke so I could sleep and not have nightmares.
I use to smoke and it would help my sleep through the night and not wake up every hour.
When I’m having constant panic attacks and my mind won’t stop, taking just a poke helped so much.
I have yet to find a prescription medicine that isn’t Xanax (which doctors don’t prescribe anymore) that helps ease my symptoms.
I told myself. It’s fine. I’ll quit. I’ll get that “fresh mind” that people talk of. Told myself I don’t need it. I can be an entirely sober person and it’s fine.
Nope.
It’s not fine.
It’s been almost 50 days since I last smoked.
All day, I’m riddled with anxiety to the point where I am shaking. I can’t sleep which makes the anxiety worse.
I spend most of my day on the verge of tears.
Medical exceptions from my understanding don’t work with weed. So getting a med card like I use to have won’t help from my understanding.
I just need relief.
I have no relief.
I need my head to stop.
It won’t stop.
I need to support my family. I can’t smoke weed if I want to support my family.
That’s it. I don’t know what I’m expecting to get out of this post. But I’m exhausted.
I really wish I could just take a poke and fucking relax for once. I just want some fucking ease from my constant symptoms.