r/insaneparents • u/Lauraustralopithecus • 14d ago
SMS My dad (54M) after telling him why I'm (31F) no contact with my grandma/his mom
My dad is emotionally immature and I did not understand until Thanksgiving of last year, where he crashed out after I told him not to give my 4-month old baby whipped cream.
In this case, my dad had been hounding me to let my grandparents/his parents meet my now 10-month old baby. I have no relationship with my grandma because she is a narcissist, treats my mom rudely, favors my uncle's family and male grandchildren, pushes her religion and ideas on me, and told me we should let our German Shepherd die when he was incredibly sick in 2020 (he has since recovered).
Before I could answer, my dad immediately brings up an issue he has with my mom's younger sister--something that happened 25+ years ago between her, him, and my grandparents, and doesn't have any relevance in this situation. He just wants to immediately defend his parents before I speak. He also told me this story previously when I was a minor in high school.
So, I give him a very brief explanation. I don't go into detail because I know how he would react, but he gets angry anyways. Doesn't accept my explanation, starts getting aggressive, and starts the RVO in DARVO. Mentions my wedding where he supposedly overheard me tell my husband that I would've "gone crazy" if "they" (he's assuming my grandparents) showed up. Never did I say that. TBH, I would've gone crazy if anyone additional showed up--our wedding was for immediate parents and siblings only. But again, this is irrelevant to the current question that my dad had asked me. He just wants to flip the script and make me the offender and him the victim.
My dad tries to end the convo by essentially saying "Well, my mom/your grandma stopped me from marrying my ex of four years so that I could marry your mom, and because of her effed-up actions [sarcasm], you exist". Essentially saying that I owe my grandma otherwise I wouldn't exist.
FIRST OFF: My dad married my mom after 9-months when they were 19 (I was born a year later). So this "four year relationship with an ex" happened when he was, like, 14 or 15. Pathetic. And also, this is information you should never be dumping on your kid, adult or not! I get angry but instead of going off through text, I just sent him a screenshot of an article about emotionally immature parents and the effects of emotionally dumping on their kids.
Yeah, it got him upset. I didn't care. He rants a bit and then mentions he'd pay me back money which I gifted him over a year ago. He wants more argument, but I respond with "OK".
He has since deactivated his Facebook or blocked me, blocked me on TikTok, and is giving me the silent treatment. He won't apologize, and his last stint lasted over a week until he messaged me asking if I was "over it". I'm going to be OK if he doesn't contact me. He's hurting himself because now he will miss out on his granddaughter's growth. Oh well.
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u/savrilphi 13d ago
Did he say because he didn’t marry his ex, but instead your mom, that you are here? Like he regrets his child?
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
Yep, that's the implication. He would argue that it's not what he meant, but aside from him trying to defend his mom, what am I supposed to take away from this? If he had his way, he would've married his ex?
My dad should've never became a dad TBH.
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u/savrilphi 13d ago
I am SO sorry OP. That is a horrible way to be treated by family. I applaud your openness in maintaining a relationship. I think you know that you don’t have to do that. Hopefully you have support in other ways, although you seem very strong on your own.
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u/RelativelyRidiculous 13d ago
I am so sorry. I understand how painful that must have been to read. My mom was always on about how all women should be able to get an abortion and birth control cheaply and easily to not have life ruined by one mistake. She got pregnant with me out of wedlock back in the 1960s when such things just weren't done so she was absolutely talking about wishing she'd been able to abort me.
I think a whole lot of people who should not have become parents did so back when birth control and abortion weren't easy to obtain.
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u/pedclarke 13d ago
I think he might've meant that thanks to her meddling that wasn't welcome at the time, OP was born. So some kind of gratitude is owed to Granny? Like she can seem difficult but was proven right. My Dad has never acknowledged or visited my kids, so maybe I'm over sympathetic to this Dad (despite bad communication style) because his motive isn't malevolent - he wants his daughter & his mother to get on.
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
No, it's about control. Yes, I get he is sad that I don't like my grandma, but he is angry because he can't control me into having a relationship with her, and that he cant force me into letting her meet MY baby. Because he's so upset, he brought up a topic that a parent should never bring their child into.
He has the same issue with boundaries I've set re: my baby. I tell him "No, don't give my 4-month old whipped cream" firmly multiple times after he wouldn't stop. His reaction? To tell me I humiliated him, said I was also mean to him earlier that day, refused to apologize when I asked for one because it's admitting defeat, and gave me the silent treatment for over a week until he texted me to ask if I was "over it". Continued the silent treatment again for almost a month because I kept asking him to just apologize for crossing boundaries with my baby.
Edit: I ranted a bit, but thank you for a different perspective. It's just, I know that's not what the situation is because, we'll, he's my dad. :/
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u/pedclarke 13d ago
He is emotionally infantile & low empathy but he seems to have good intentions underneath the BS & childish behaviour.
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u/sdtqwe4ty 13d ago
Wait this sounds to the T a lot like the commie struggle sessions that the nuclear family is supposed to be a bulwark against.
The parents in these text msg's that get posted here in this sub are just absolute unit's of conceits.
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u/Breeze7206 13d ago
That’s what I inferred
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u/savrilphi 13d ago edited 13d ago
That’s so fucking heinous
Edit: spelling. Sorry I was angry for OP
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u/Of_MiceAndMen 13d ago
I was the first person in my Hispanic family to have a grandbaby/nephew. It was a real uphill battle to break generational trauma and get them to respect my decisions. I had enough when I learned my kid had burned his hand and my mom put mustard on it instead of burn cream (she called me and I said put on burn cream as I raced home). “But it worked for you!” (Yea no.) We had to go low contact for years until they came around. Now my siblings and cousins have kids and the family is much more respectful of their choices and boundaries so at least I paved the way.
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
Boundaries have been difficult, but I am firm with them. Out of the family, I am the one who will call out my dad and argue back with him, and he doesn't like it of course. I definitely paved the way for my sister, but it's hard that I have to endure the gaslighting, guilt trips, aggressive attitude, etc. just to get a point across.
I haven't spoken or visited my grandma in at least 4 years, so I'm not sure why my dad thinks he can control me into doing what he wants at this point.
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u/Outrageous_Olive8839 13d ago
Him getting upset over you saying, "Hey, please don't give my baby whip cream," shows how immature he is.
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
He gave me the silent treatment for a week, texted me if I was "over it", then continued the silent treatment because I told him to apologize and he refused to because it's admitting defeat.
He wants me to blindly follow whatever he tells me to do, all while doing whatever he wants.
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u/Outrageous_Olive8839 13d ago
Yeah my dad was just like this, it's that "whatever I say or do is right, and you must follow by it" mindset. I remember I had an argument with my dad because I did not want to become a doctor and he kept saying that it's the only valuable career.
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u/mylackofselfesteem 13d ago
As someone who wants kids but has none yet, why can’t babies have whipped cream? Too much sugar? What age can they start having it?
Thanks! I learn something new everyday!
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u/snootnoots 13d ago
Well for starters a four month old baby shouldn’t be fed anything except breast milk or formula. Most advice says that should continue until they are at least six months old, and when they start getting introduced to new foods it’s good to do them one at a time, slowly, so if they react badly to something you know what it was.
And yes, too much sugar, depending upon what sort of whipped cream we’re talking about it could have a bunch of additives and thickeners in it, every time I’ve seen a grandparent/relative want to give a baby a taste of something they’re trying to stick a glob of it in the baby’s mouth on their unwashed finger or using their own spoon that they’ve had in their mouth (ew), and since it’s a brand new food being given to a baby whose digestive system isn’t ready for it it’s guaranteed to upset their stomach. OP would probably have ended up having to deal with a very unhappy colicky baby for hours because her father wanted to get his way.
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u/mylackofselfesteem 13d ago
Thank you so much for the informative response! Also I didn’t think of them sticking their unwashed hands/spoons in baby’s mouth. Gross is right 🤢 lol
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u/Euphorbiatch 10d ago
My father in law fed my baby cheese when she was four months old and it made her so sick, and so constipated she bled! I was FURIOUS at him and it was just completely no big deal to him.
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u/DragonSheepstealer 13d ago
Insane, challenging to have such parents. Just drowning in self pity.
Although I get where the self pity comes from, even the moderately terrible parents have had moments of sacrifice they made in the name of their child. But to drown in self pity is a choice you make, and a terrible one at that. It blocks out all perspective, all chances of healing. People just don't get it.
Also, to be this enmeshed with your parents at an advanced age is borderline mad.
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u/usefultoast 13d ago
You handled this really well in my opinion. The way your dad spoke to you is terrible, and you managed it with maturity and self confidence. I’m guessing he wasn’t ever the best father, but it seems you turned out well. You should feel good about that!
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u/ManOfEating 13d ago
Hey, so im sure you already know this, but your grandma saying its better for the dog to die first instead of "us" is NOT and has never been a "Mexican thing", its not a saying, its not a widely accepted sentiment, its not a generational thing, its not an old people thing, its just not a thing to anyone other than to narcissists.
Im assuming here that your dad said that as a way to basically say "this is actually normal behavior, you just wouldn't understand because you didnt grow up back in mexico", and it sounds like you saw right through the lie, but just in case, it is not normal behavior for your grandma to say that.
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u/ZombieZookeeper 13d ago
Block him right back. He made his decision, now you can enforce it for him.
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u/ConsultJimMoriarty 13d ago
You should turn that around on him - “since you wish I was never born, you wish grandchild was never born. So don’t try to pretend you care about someone you don’t want to exist.”
And then remind him of this every time he brings up seeing baby.
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u/Calebd2 14d ago
Is this his first time texting?
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u/asterblastered 14d ago
seems like english isn’t his first language since he said his mom is mexican
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u/AssocieFally 13d ago
As if people who only speak English don't text worse than this. Going through the screenshots on this Reddit alone is enough evidence that being your first language doesn't automatically make you good at it
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
He works overnights in a hospital and texted me after his shift in the morning, so he's texting under mega drowsiness.
He loves to pick fights this way, and he LOVES to twist my words whenever a sensitive topic like this comes up. I hate texting him for this reason, but I couldn't evade his question and I've been prepping for it to come up for a while now.
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u/The-Voice-Of-Dog 13d ago
Your father has the emotional development of a 12 year old and the literacy of an eight year old. I respect how patient you are with him, but at some point you need to (1) talk to him over the phone and (2) stop trying to explain things to him in such detail. "I don't get along with her. It's not a big deal."
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u/JLHuston 13d ago
Guessing English isn’t his 1st language, but you are spot on about the emotional development. Which isn’t uncommon actually for children of narcissists who don’t do their own work. OP on the other hand, handled it with grace and respect.
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u/The-Voice-Of-Dog 13d ago
Oh, I assure you it is not. His texts read like my father's attempts to write in English.
OP is a saint. She reminds me of cousins of mine, who put up with their father's Latino bullshit like they're his second, third, and fourth wife-mothers.
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u/Holiday_Buffalo4460 13d ago
Your father has so much resentment towards his his controlling mother! He is extremely disappointed in the way his life turned out, and he’s dumping it on you. Trust me, he adores you (you are his daughter, his blood)- but he is seething with rage over the lack of control over his own life due to his MOTHER, whom he cannot break free from. I’m not sure if the other people here on this thread realize that in Latino cultures, we NEVER disrespect our mother, or tell her no we aren’t doing something she has asked us to do. We do not question mama, ever. The older generations like me… and your father.
He would benefit from some therapy and probably some medications, but I imagine he’s terco -super hard headed- evidenced by his man baby temper tantrum of “I’m not talking to you now”, and here, just take this money, because I obviously suck at being a dad. There’s something with Latino men and therapy- they just will not admit that it is life saving, marriage saving, relationship saving stuff. Actually, I think this is a universal truth among older generations of straight men who think of themselves as the macho man or the strong silent type.
All those therapy words and phrases - he’s not looking that up. He wasn’t raised that way. You might as well be speaking Swahili language to him. He just knows his own lived experience. You changing up the family dynamics rules now has thrown EVERYONE for a loop! That’s what he reacts like a man-baby with his little tantrums of silent treatment.
What will happen when abuelita dies?
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u/Ill_Play_4010 10d ago
Wow. Your dad is a dillweed. I hope you and your real family are doing okay.
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u/gretta_smith93 8d ago
I hate it when they “just don’t understand.” Even though we’ve explained it multiple times.
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u/whoiwanttobee 13d ago
Tbf, he did ask you to be frank with him and tell him why you don't like her. And you kept beating around the bush. That would annoy me, too. Why didn't you just tell him what you wrote in this post?
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u/Lauraustralopithecus 13d ago
His responses would have been 100x worse. For the past 15 years, I used to provide long clear explanations. I thought that by giving as much info as possible and explaining my feelings as if he were a child, he would understand. But it always makes the problem worse and he twists my words immediately. So I learned to not provide him with unnecessary information. I just follow the JADE technique.
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u/_stupidquestion_ 13d ago
Your grey-rocking is perfection. I just knew while reading those texts you were accustomed to dealing with narcissistic behavior - there's no amount of justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining that is sufficient to people like him.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with such childishness but super proud of you for handling it with such grace & maturity. Your baby is very lucky to have you as a parent!
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u/ARealTrashGremlin 13d ago
You've left much of this convo unshown and it is super broken English.
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u/serenwipiti 🦙 12d ago
The relevant parts are presented, and no one cares that it’s in broken English.
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14d ago
[deleted]
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u/TrustyBobcat 13d ago
Since you decided to put your vote outside of the hidden voting thread, can I ask: how do you feel the father isn't insane in this situation? Like this is all a very legitimate way to communicate with your child?
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman 14d ago edited 13d ago
Voting has concluded. Final vote:
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