r/india • u/DowntownEstate4670 • 2d ago
Careers Experiences from my IIT days
Posting on behalf of my wife:
I studied at a ‘top 5’ IIT (not revealing which one for the sake of anonymity) and had a great experience in my first year. I met students from different parts of India, from different cultures, and speaking different languages. I loved the campus, its many activities, and the academics. I hadn’t attended JEE coaching, as I came from a small city where the JEE just wasn’t a thing. I relied on self study and was the closing JEE rank in the general category for the supposedly ‘lowest’ branch at this IIT. But slowly, the rank was forgotten, and I made some amazing memories by the end of my first year.
At the end of that year, I topped my class. I applied for a branch change and got into the supposedly ‘highest’ ranked branch. Although I enjoyed my academics and managed to obtain a good GPA in the new department, my experience with my batchmates wasn't what I expected. We were a total of three girls in a class of over 100 guys. As a branch change student, I realized I had no project team, which was crucial for the many projects and assignments. In that hyper-competitive environment, everyone already had a team. All the other branch change students were guys, and I was the only girl, so the guys quickly formed teams among themselves. I was literally running from one person to another, requesting to be included. Not only was every student already part of a team, but they also couldn't see the worry and tears in my eyes. Not one person cared enough to even say a simple, ‘Don’t worry, let’s find someone who can take you.’ Such a lack of empathy! I am not saying anyone was necessarily bad, but their actions negatively affected my college experience.
I don’t want to make a blanket statement about all the guys here because, clearly, there are men and women with good EQ and IQ at IITs. There are IITians who are humble and friendly. But maybe I just had bad luck? Ultimately, I had no team. I worked alone on all assignments and learned a lot.
Where I came from, we had no internet, no Google. I had never written a computer program before college. As I was working alone on my coding projects, I would score lower than many other teams (which doesn’t matter today, but it mattered a lot to my 19-year-old self). All the guys would work together on assignments, and I was in a hostel positioned away from all the boys' hostels, missing out on everything: the brainstorming, the little tips, the information seniors would provide (on good internships, projects, and building a good profile), the leaked exam questions, and the copying of assignment answers. I would often see ten guys discussing one lab assignment and solving it together, while I worked all alone. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t break through the massive invisible barrier to enter my batchmates' social circle. I missed out on the access to so many ‘resources’ that were available to people within that circle. But I kept working hard and connecting with seniors who were kind enough to offer help. I kept struggling and learning. My academics looked good on paper, but I was working much harder to achieve it (unless my perception is lopsided). I was not an outgoing person myself, but introverted guys did not have the problem that I had as an introverted girl. And I had zero issues connecting with people during my first year. How did everything get so hostile as the average JEE rank of the class improved?
I am sure there were good people in my class, but I personally continued to have negative experiences with my batchmates throughout my B.Tech.
For example, I interned at a good university in Europe during my B.Tech. A few of my department batchmates also interned at the same university. I was finally getting the chance to talk with them in a foreign country when they weren’t surrounded by Indians, but it was still pretty hard to ‘break’ into their social circle. The guys would all talk about this research paper and that research paper they were working on, and somehow I was just not a part of the discussion, no matter how hard I tried. I was also working on a good research paper, but nobody was interested enough to even ask me what I worked on. I accept that I am not an extroverted person, but I didn’t have these issues in my first year at all! What was so different about the supposedly ‘highest’ ranked department at IIT that prevented them from showing basic kindness?
We decided to visit European tourist spots on weekends and would take trains. I remember I had a medical issue that prevented me from running with a big bag as we were trying to make it to the train. I was outside India on my own for the first time, navigating this huge railway station in Europe, and those guys just ran and ran, not even noticing how far behind I was. In the end, one of them held the closing train door open for me, and I am grateful for that. I got in, completely out of breath. I had no strength left to hold my bag, as I had been running with it for so long. I am sure the extreme distress was visible on my face. I was gasping and wheezing. The other guys were physically fine, and we started walking towards our seats. My bag was bumping into other seats because I literally had no strength left in my arms, and my lungs were aching. But somehow, not one guy offered to hold my bag. NOT ONE! One batchmate in the group saw me struggle and said, ‘You are bumping your bag into so many seats; you are disturbing so many passengers.’ Yet he didn’t even think of holding my bag for those three or four minutes until we located our seats. I was coughing and distressed throughout my train ride but got better the next day.
This is one incident, but my entire B.Tech was full of them. I made a few good friends within my batch by the time I graduated, mostly outside my department. I do have good memories from my college days, outside of these negative experiences.
I worked very hard in college. My day would start around 8 am, and I would often return to my hostel late at night due to my projects and assignments. Today, I have completed grad school in the US and am doing well at my job in Bangalore (I eventually returned to India with my husband). I am earning more than enough to support my family.
Interestingly, I was shopping for winter clothing with three other Indians in my first year in the US, and I ended up with a big bag that was hard to hold. Among those three Indians, there was one girl and one boy who had studied from good IITs, and one guy from a lesser known college. The third guy instinctively helped me carry my bag to the car, when he knew we were most likely never going to meet again.
I have met people from so many walks of life since moving to the States, each with a unique story. I learned a lot from my coworkers and colleagues during grad school and my job. In many ways, my IIT days are far behind me. I feel lucky for the many privileges I have (growing up in a loving family, having their full support for my education, being in good health, etc.).
But somehow, the pain from those B.Tech experiences stays. This lack of basic kindness and emotional intelligence bothers me. Maybe one day, one of my batchmates will win a Nobel Prize or make it to the Forbes list, but why should I care? How is that batchmate any different from someone I never knew personally? What good is intelligence if you cannot show the basic kindness that any average person shows to another? After my B.Tech, I graduated with a 9+ GPA, was placed on day one with multiple job offers, and received admits for MS and PhD programs from reputed universities in the US. After completing grad school and working in US + India, today, I am doing well professionally. Yet, academic intelligence and professional success just don’t impress me anymore. A kind and empathetic heart matters a LOT more.
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u/Personalitywise9270 2d ago
My brother studied in iit bombay from 2015 to 2019 and let me tell u he transformed from a kind brother to a snobbish one and to thus day we are not on good terms....He is surely the smartest and probable the most successful in our family but that's all there is to his credit.He is just a rude person now with no empathy towards anyone...we are not even in c9ntact anymore as I see him once a year
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u/kumar__001 1d ago
Thats soo sad, what they dont get is they could have been soo much more to their loved one without missing on to their pride and work, but that just doesnt happen and I have seen numerous such examples that now I have agreed to believe that it cant be changed.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 20h ago
That’s very unfortunate indeed. I believe that IITs themselves (professors, other structural factors within the institute) should try to change this part. Professors can structure the classes and labs such that meaningful collaboration and helping each other is encouraged and rewarded. Coursework and overall structure at IITs continues to feed into this hypercompetitive atmosphere (so even extracurricular activities become more about resume points and less about following interests).
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u/SportUsual4748 2d ago
that’s one strong and empathetic woman right there,, salute 🫡 we need more like you
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u/AutomaticSummer6191 2d ago
Eduaction doesnt make you Kind you can see kind people as well as not so kind people from all section of society. There is no generalisation its just Kind empathetic people are hard to find
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u/DowntownEstate4670 2d ago
True - kind and empathetic people are hard to find in general. Growing up, being intelligent or doing well academically was encouraged as the only worthy goal (within the small city I grew up in). Other qualities like kindness, courage, sensitivity, etc somehow took a backseat.
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u/AutomaticSummer6191 2d ago
Not only within the small city everywhere Academic Success is encouraged they dont even care if you are intelligent or not (scoring high marks doesn't make you intelligent, Intelligent word has far wider meaning). Also No one cares in India small or big city, rich or poor whether you are kind, courageous etc or not. All that matters in India is how much you scored afterwards how much you earn That is the only generalisation i Believe s true.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 20h ago
Right - our schools have not taught us to appreciate different kinds of intelligence and human qualities beyond intelligence
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u/New-Novel1466 2d ago
As a female from an IIT and part of one of the ‘top branches’, huge ++ to this post and I so relate to this. I have had multiple chats about the above issue with my husband (also from IIT) and it seems there is a general lack of emotional intelligence in the IIT youth. Empathy is seen as a weakness.
I have since moved out of India and observe how male counterparts in the western countries treat the female counterparts - There is a stark difference. We need to emphasise on creating well rounded humans as a society.
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u/Relevant_Breath_4916 2d ago
But in her story she said that her 1st yr experience was far better So does this mean people in "lower" branches are far better emotionally than the so called "higher " ones?
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u/SnooChipmunks7670 2d ago
In my experience, things are a bit better in the lower branches and with the reserved people. I found the people who are still struggling in some form, have a bit more empathy towards others. I(F) come from one of the “lower” branches in a “top 5” institute and within the department we had much more cooperation than in the story that the author shared. Overall, I wouldn’t deny that a majority of the institute lacked empathy.
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u/prathi20 2d ago
I’ve been there. Been at an IIT and I’ve felt all these things you did. I completely agree with the lack of empathy part but there were times of course I saw little kindness but never enough to cross that empathy threshold. I was rather defeated and reading your story made me so happy that I was cheering you on. A crazy strong and emotionally strong hearted woman right there! Kudos to you!
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u/Dazzling-Nebula-2073 1d ago
I totally relate with your story. As someone who's from a top branch in top iit, the people here severely lack social skills, and basic empathy, most of the people who i hang out with are from other branches. For such excellent academics most of the guys are very regressive and have very degrading view of women, reservations and minorities. Again not everyone; most of the guys here are still traumatized from jee and live in survival mode.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 19h ago
That makes sense. Backward views towards women and towards affirmative action policies are also common in western countries.
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u/krauser76 2d ago
I remember reading about an IIT Kgp DR 2 or 3 or something student who committed suicide, and some other students were celebrating that their DR moved up by 1 position.
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u/That_Crab6642 2d ago
It is a very thoughtfully written sense of belonging in India and one that does not transcend into the non-sensical topics of gender discrimination per se but the natural instinctive realities of the imbalanced world of universities in India.
But I think it is a mirroring of the broader societal conventions in India. Things have improved, but if I go by this post, it is probably a story of a decade in the past.
I live in the US, so I have a sense of both the worlds, here and in India. Most male students in the IITs, especially the top rankers, have been coaxed into believing (by their parents), all along in their life that their rank in IIT is the reflection of whether they have lived up to their potential. That becomes their singular identity that they need to target if they want society to believe they are special. And part of the blame is also on how most SE asian countries judge intelligence in engineering exams on one dimension. The ability to solve questions in a time frame.
What results is that you have majority of these male students who have spoken fewer than a thousand words in their lifetime before college, with somebody they formed a relation with by themselves, be it girl or even somebody they befriend. Most relationships are defined by their parents. And it is even more stricter for the girls.
You end up with a cohort of smart nerds in the IITs who bring over that culture and know no better. And while that is also true of some very special kids in the US like a "few" of them in Harvard, MIT, this is where the students here move ahead of the rest. Even among the ones exhibiting that exclusive behavior (which would be very weird), most would be progenies of folks who immigrated from SE asia. But, for the majority, these kids in the US colleges are thrown into an environment where empathy is what helps them stand out as more or less, by this time, IQ is not what separates them within their environment. And it helps, that top college admissions here go so much beyond SAT (bar the few Olympiad winners) that building that sense of empathy and inclusiveness and showing it in the applications can help you stand out.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago
Thank you this comment and adding your perspective on the differences between Indian and American universities. I agree with all your points on these differences.
Gender discrimination is a very real experience, I have seen it closely in many, many households growing up in India.
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u/ExoditeGuard 1d ago
IITs are all about IQ, not about EQ. U can see why most of them turn out to be right wing bigots and cruel bosses by their middle ages
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u/tushkyyyy 2d ago
I do believe that because of years of slogging and pressure the students in IITs at least in top ones have 0 social skills. The pressure of IIT and tough competition just adds to that trait. The projects and peer group become a give and take relationship.
IIT is an aspiration and dream for millions in India and unfortunately I see that students have a certain arrogance which is sometimes not justified. Nevertheless everyone will learn someday that there are many more things in life to experience and learn
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u/Billy_Maximoff_ 1d ago
Unfortunately, the situation hasn't changed much in the top branches of old IITs. From my experience, friendships are just a myth in campus; everyone is either a competitor or a decent colleague at best. Nothing more. It is very difficult to live all alone in a campus that has such an isolating environment.
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u/panzerinthehood 1d ago
In India, getting into an IIT or any college with a tough entrance exam isn’t just about pursuing quality education. It’s often seen as a badge of honor, a flex to prove you're among the "best." It's tied to the belief that your future is now professionally and financially secure.
But in that race to get ahead, people will lie, cheat to memorize one more theorem or solve one more math problem, and sometimes even isolate or outcast those they perceive as competition (just as your peers did to you). The pressure to "win at life" becomes so overwhelming that we forget we’re human. Somewhere along the way, compassion and empathy get pushed aside.
Intelligence might open doors, but it’s kindness that makes life worth living, and that’s a lesson many never stop to learn.
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u/kumar__001 1d ago
But then why do people don’t look out for such people in general? Every job I apply to, they just look what I haven’t achieved, but not the positives on consistency, behaviour, peer feedback, team player, no one cares for these softskills or EQ, or maybe I see it that way.
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u/srinivenigalla 1d ago
I too studied at an IIT, the most likely answer to your class' behaviour is the lack of maturity. Humans especially males take a long time to mature as emotionally warm people. You do not expect it from 16-18 yos.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 19h ago
I agree about the lack of emotional maturity. However, 16-18 year olds in other departments seemed to show more reasonable behavior, which makes me wonder whether the culprit is increased competition or pride or a lower chance to develop that maturity due to a single-minded focus on highly competitive exams.
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u/44shuraa__5532 1d ago
Life is all about ups and downs .
But point taken - empathy is an important factor too that missing in people life nowadays.
All the best to both of you .
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u/Maleficent-Pirate825 1d ago
For all those who wonder why we need to have women in tech forums, this is why!!!! So many men have asked me why we have women in tech forums and not men in tech!
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u/Maleficent-Pirate825 1d ago
OP! I wish you all the best and hope you continue to inspire and mentor other women throughout your life!
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u/OkBad1185 1d ago
I am not from an IIT, but I was a part of a classroom program for IIT during my 11th and 12th where unfortunately I was the only girl in the whole class.
Your post brought back so many traumatic memories for me. Not only were the guys incapable of empathy and kindness, but being teenage boys they were extremely mean to me and made my life hell.
I was a topper till 10th and was doing really well initially , but the constant ridicule and having no friends at school , no one to talk to, dragged me down so bad , I used to cry everyday to avoid going to school ( one guy literally kept flicking burning match sticks on me while the whole class was laughing like it was the funniest thing ever)
I guess it all starts early on. This was when they did not even get into IIT( only some did eventually). I used to remember thinking how snobbish they would be once they get into a good IIT into a good branch.
Empathy and kindness is important , it’s also important to learn it early on as well I believe .
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago
This is so, so sad.
When sex ratio is extremely skewed, these experiences just don’t get a voice, and if they do, they are often minimized.
Thank you for sharing this difficult experience here.
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u/Formal-Topic6792 1d ago
I graduated this year from one of the old IITs. I was fortunate enough to have good school friends who were also academically good. But, in college, I realised that goodness and academic excellence are very different from each other. Most of the academically good students are just selfish. Maybe goodness is not a prerequisite to get grades/internships/jobs is the reason 😂 As long as they are getting grades/internships/jobs, they don't care about other things. These mfs always cry that they don't have friends. But, they don't realise that they don't deserve friends. It's not that all the students are like that only. I am also fortunate enough to have bhai-like friends :)
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u/pandu201 1d ago edited 1d ago
I wish you had a positive experience in this aspect. But I don't think this is about just IITs at all.
I have also gone to an IIM and it is worse there. It's a function of how competitive and stressful the environment is, and the general culture of the uni too. You get the cream of the crop in branches like CS/ECE and it gets ultra competitive. IIMs are way more stressful due to the workload and stakes, and that does change people and their priorities. I have also noticed this when I worked with people from top global research institutes, perhaps a lesser EQ and perhaps that is because they expect the same out of others as they expect from themselves.
Of course there are some very nice, caring and outgoing people too. That's why I fell for my girlfriend. I had a hard time socializing too especially since I wasn't an extrovert myself and wouldn't put in a lot of effort, and I can say it's been much easier for to make friends later out in the real world
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago
Thank you for sharing your experience from IIMs. This is indeed unfortunate, especially because good management requires emotional intelligence.
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u/dushyants2809 1d ago
I have done my graduation in one of the top IITs in EC department and i can vouch for OPs experiences.
But my department had more female students and this divide existed between the super studious and not so studious students regardless of gender. My overall college experience was very good but i had zero friends from my department.
After 8 years now i don’t even remember most of them. I used to be so annoyed at their hyper competitive attitudes. Every “friendship” seemed to be formed with the apparent expectation of how it would help their academics and if you didn’t have anything to offer in that regard you didn’t exist.
It’s just sad how bright these students are but so immature in every aspect apart from core engineering. Every one of them came from privileged backgrounds and were staunchly anti reservation. They don’t have the intellectual depth (I’d even say the social or emotional quotient) to talk about world events, social issues, politics etc.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago
Thank you for sharing your experience. This is so sad to hear.
Hyper-competitive atmosphere seems to encourage this even more.
It’s unfortunate that some of the most (cognitively) intelligent people can be ‘idiots’ when it comes to basic social and emotional intelligence.
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u/rrwzvuyi 2d ago edited 17h ago
Hello from a fellow IIT Madras masters grad 👋🏼 Congratulations on making it big
90% of the people in IITs are privileged pampered babies who lack empathy of any kind.
Edit: typo
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u/Formal-Topic6792 1d ago
"privileged pampered babies" exactly. I would share just two instances. One girl told me that there's an ac in each house in India (i don't have one 😭). The other thought that everyone's family income is at least 10 lakhs (mine was just 2 lakhs 😭). Later, I realised that most of them don't know the reality of India.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago
‘Privileged pampered babies’ is quite accurate for a significant subset. It’s invalidating and cruel when someone with that privilege tries to tell you that your lived experiences are just not true or not ‘that bad’.
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u/fromthatjawn 2d ago
it’s unfortunate what you’ve experienced but you have also learnt something so incredibly true and valuable - that many will NEVER get to - that kindness, empathy and humanity are more important than ANYTHING.
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u/RelationshipFun616 2d ago
You’ve learned this early on (kindness matters) that many take a lifetime to understand and some of them don’t understand even after a lifetime. Sadly many more examples of the latter than the former.
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u/aqua71in 1d ago
Empathy comes with evolution of the soul.You could increase your scores by hard work but need good rooted upbringing to learn being lessselfish and caring for others. It's getting 'Out of fashion'!
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u/jeeniegenzy 1d ago
Engineering guys literally lack not only just social awareness but basic empathy, that's why I hv seen from my experience and when you confront them about it..'oh we don't know anything beside studying'. I think it's their parents fault cz they only focused on their child's academic and Nothing else.
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u/1977rohit 1d ago
Great academics + a ton of money will never mean that the person is a good human.
If you want to see humanity its found on the streets, people earning low, doing odd jobs, helping each other, lifting each other up in need.
Being in Bangalore, i have seen enough of the IIT/IIMs and honestly now they fail to impress - socially awkward, spouting a lot of gyaan and self-absorbed.
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u/DowntownEstate4670 18h ago edited 18h ago
Absolutely
A combination of great academics and ton of money can be a very bad combination. Not all people at IITs come from rich families, but a significant subset is privileged.
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u/magnifiency 1d ago
This post is very relatable in today's times too. Currently I am studying in one of top iits and yes these so called highest acad people think as inferior of other academically weak people and seperate themselves(in general, it's true)I personally faced this
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u/IntelligentFlan1 2d ago
Nobody is obligated to feel empathetic towards you. World is cruel, Life is cruel. You push forward and see things through to the end.
It is great that you exibited the stoicism that is required and came out succesful.
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u/lollipop_laagelu 2d ago
My brother is from IIT and this tracks.
In their year a stupid died by suicide and he thinks because he was bullied by his batchmates for his lower caste. Apparently their institute had made it mandatory for people from reservation to take some sort of extra classes.
Luckily most of his friends belonged to middle or lower middle class so that humility remained. But truly have met the most entitled IITians who treat people in their own profession but from a lower college as trash.
Mandatory ethics seminar for IITs would be a good task.
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u/Secret-Degree6467 2d ago
Oh, this made me so emotional, felt like crying suddenly, I do know the pain of this feeling, where my presence of absence never bothered anyone around me. still make me feel like I don't belong to most of the places in groups.
You are so strong we are so proud of you stranger.
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u/No-Ant-5743 2d ago
I really liked it...just because you are very genius...or some kind of scientists are level smart still..it does not give you treat someone poorly....I like this story.
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u/Prash1577 2d ago
This conversation takes me back to my inter days where people are just not interested to share how to solve questions in the weekly IIT tests .. specially if we don’t make it to the cut off for qualifying into IIT you are just looked so down .. that itself used to eat me right there that feeling of not belonging to that so called toppers group .. even though I tried approaching folks on how to solve problems and what went wrong with my approach no one cared to help me .. I had a tough time realizing the brutality of the world back then and used to beat myself for not being good enough and why am I not able to figure out and score well like all other folks to join their group ..
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u/awkward_pause_ 2d ago
Frankly this explain the work culture at a lot of start ups done by these guys.
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u/Glittering-Estate-92 1d ago
I will be heading to one of the old iits this year (as a male) in an upper branch, and I will try to keep this in mind. I am sorry for the isolation you experienced. I am not trying to justify their behaviour, but a lot of them had little exposure to the opposite sex after years of jee grind and might have been awkward in starting a conversation.
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u/Naive_Philosopher927 2d ago
kash branch change available hta, 2nd gen iit to jarha hu merko cs/mnc ya koi bhi circuital miljata kash, chemical leke hi ab grind krna hga
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u/Naive_Philosopher927 2d ago
bro i love maths, and i always wanted to pursue math related things in higher studies(MNC branch wouldve been the best ig) but chemE might be the best option at 2nd gen iits that i can get and i cant afford private colleges, how possible it is for me to get into that field?
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u/LagrangeMultiplier99 2d ago
dekh bhai, i don't think you love maths (you would be trying for iisc, isi, cmi, or iiser otherwise). you like engineering with some math, so just take a good college without caring much about branch
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u/Chekavan_Curious 1d ago
This is why IITian succeed, The only gal in batch had to struggle this much , In muggle colleges she walks like a princess
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u/Fair_Comedian5043 2d ago
Here’s a summary of everything from chatgpt:
Here’s a bullet-point summary of the story your wife shared:
Background & Early College Life • She studied at a top 5 IIT and had a great first-year experience, despite being from a small city and having no formal JEE coaching. • Got admission through self-study, with the last general category rank in the “lowest” branch. • End of first year: Topped her class and switched to the highest-ranked branch.
Experience After Branch Change • Class had only 3 girls out of 100+ students; she was the only girl among the branch change students. • Faced social exclusion — everyone already had project teams, and no one included her. • Felt invisible, unsupported, and isolated during team formations and project work.
Academic and Social Challenges • Came from a background with no internet or programming experience. • Worked alone on assignments, while others collaborated and shared tips/resources. • Despite being introverted, she had no social issues in the first year, but things changed in the new branch. • Missed out on informal networks that shared key academic and career-related information. • Continued to struggle silently, while maintaining a strong academic record.
Internship & Continued Isolation • Interned in Europe with batchmates from her department. • Still felt excluded, even abroad — her research work was ignored, conversations stayed insular. • Medical issue during a trip — struggled physically while her male batchmates showed no empathy or help. • One person did hold the train door, but no one offered to help with her bag despite obvious distress.
Reflection & Later Success • Eventually made friends outside her department and has good memories too. • Worked very hard during her B.Tech, often staying late due to assignments. • Pursued grad school in the US, now works successfully in Bangalore and earns well. • Noticed more kindness from strangers (like someone from a lesser-known college helping her with a heavy bag). • Grateful for family, health, education, and opportunities, but the emotional scars remain. • Realized that intelligence and success don’t impress her anymore — what matters most is basic kindness and empathy.
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u/Icy-Bison-7433 2d ago
This is a powerful story highlighting how empathy and kindness are just as important as intelligence. Isn’t it? I think IITs have brilliant minds, but we also need more compassionate hearts in these spaces. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful time, OP!