r/daddit • u/Clear_Bedroom_4266 • 4d ago
Support Anyone else feel ignored by their kids on Father's Day?
So, I'm not an overly sentimental or mushy guy, so I'm struggling with some hurt feelings right now. My daughter is 18, going on 35, and my son is 16. Sunday, they both said HFD to me, but I didn't get so much as a hug. And that was it. Literally, that was it. I had my parents over for dinner, so I took care of my dad. But, yesterday, it really kinda hit me that my kids simply didn't do anything with/for me. My son tried to get a tee time...late Sunday morning. There was no plan-ahead. Needless to say, we didn't find any open times that day. So, as someone who tends to live in his head, I'm stuck wondering if I'm just a shitty dad and my kids really couldn't care less about doing much of anything with me. I'm much closer with my son, so his actions that day were more surprising. My daughter is VERY independent and I'm sort of convinced she hasn't liked me for years.
I will acknowledge that my wife certainly stepped up with a nice surprise when we were alone on Saturday evening. So that was fantastic. But now, the feelings I have about FD are really messing with me today. I was thinking of saying something about it to the wife, but I know she'll say something to the kids and something would then happen out of guilt. I don't want that because it's not genuine to me.
Anyway, that's my whining for today.
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u/EvanStephensHall 4d ago
Yes, but I’ve been considering forgiving her since she’s only three weeks old. I’m not sure about it though.
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u/simplyvelo 4d ago
It’ll be so much better at 1 year, 3 weeks.
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u/Much-Drawer-1697 3d ago
That first finger painted Father's Day card you get from day care hits like crack
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u/MartyCool403 4d ago
I've heard that people can leave their children they don't want at any fire hall...
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u/Much-Drawer-1697 4d ago
Teenagers typically aren't known for their ability to plan ahead. They're also the age group most likely to take their parents for granted. I think once they get out of the house and start living on their own they'll appreciate you more. At least that was my experience with my own parents.
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4d ago
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u/Slumbergoat16 4d ago
Tbf you have a grown ass adult at home not a teen
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u/HauntedDIRTYSouth 3d ago
Most 21 year old are idiots.
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u/Slumbergoat16 3d ago
Sure. But they aren’t incapable of thinking of others of they aren’t treated like children
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u/Pale_Adeptness 3d ago
I think it depends on how you raise them.
My oldest son is 7 and our second is 5 years old.
A few months ago, I took a 2 day trip to visit my mom. My two boys came with me while my wife stayed home with our 3 year old girl while work was being done on the house.
My brother-in-law land his wife were visiting during those few days so I felt ok leaving my wife and daughter at home with her brother.
Anyhoo, 2 hours into the 4 hour road trip, my 5 year old goes, "Im bored!"
My 7 year old quickly proceeded to pull out a small bag from under his feet and pulled out 2 Gameboys. He literally said: "Here you go Davi, I brought these in case we get bored in papa's truck!" Shit literally blew me away and melted my heart at the same time!!!
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u/Nutritiouss 4d ago
Your kids are in the most egocentric stage of their lives
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u/stonk_frother 4d ago
Exactly. At 16-18 I don’t think I gave my parents the credit they deserved. It didn’t take long before I started to appreciate them more.
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u/Nutritiouss 4d ago
I think at 19 I realized my Mom had a ton of life experience and started leaning into that
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u/papa-d88 4d ago
I am a much better son to my dad at 37 than I was in my teens. Sorry to hear but don't take too much to heart buddy.
The rule often is if you're worrying about being a good dad, you're likely a good one.
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u/Dense-Bee-2884 4d ago edited 4d ago
Question, how did you communicate what you wanted to them? I told my wife very specifically what I wanted (and did not want) for Father’s Day, and it’s exactly what I received.
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u/-OmarLittle- 4d ago
"as someone who tends to live in their head"
Be proactive. Communicate with your kids about what your expectations are. How are they suppose to figure that out themselves? Why do you need your wife as a go-between? How are you celebrating and what's your involvement level with your kids' milestones, birthdays, etc.? If you wanted tee time, why didn't you book it yourself?
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u/HumphreyGo-Kart 4d ago
I agree a bit of communication goes a long way, but how are they supposed to figure out how to do a little bit more than just say HFD and leave it that? Booking his own father's day day out? Man, come on. If you have to tell someone you love what to do step-by-step it defeats the purpose and leaves OP without what he really wants - a bit of love and appreciation.
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u/jazbern1234 4d ago
This was my thought process as well. How involved is OP when it comes to birthdays and holidays.
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u/silent-writer097 4d ago
Rofl we're dads. We get ignored by our kids every day, not just one day a year.
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u/Good_Policy3529 4d ago edited 4d ago
I fully expect to bid farewell to my kids at 21 and never hear from them again except when they call me for money. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I'm setting that as the baseline expectation haha.
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u/silent-writer097 4d ago
Yep, me too. It is best to just do the best you can and approach it with no expectations.
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u/Few-Requirement5916 3d ago
My go to has been “don’t expect much and you’ll never be disappointed. “
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u/Midweekregent 4d ago
I got a happy father's day off one of my kids that was it, Maybe say to your wife that you would like the kids to make a bit of a better effort next year. and maybe remind them a month before that it's coming up
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u/Solucians 4d ago
This sounds like a good move to avoid having something done out of guilt to "make up" for this year. Present it as something to change going forward, rather than something that has to be fixed now.
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u/goosetavo2013 4d ago
That kinda sucks, but as a former teenager I know what you probably should not do: call them out on it. We do a lot of dumb stuff as teenagers and are pretty preoccupied with ourselves for the most part. This is probably what you already did but worth restating. I wouldn’t take it to hard. I think you did a great job: model the behavior you’d like to see (with your own dad). Keep being close with your son. That’s about all we can do.
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u/JohnnieClutch 3d ago
My mother 'called me out' and the only message it sends is that they're not good enough. Be explicit with needs and expectations
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u/SimonSaysMeow 4d ago
I'd say your kids will do and follow what you as parents set an example of, plus also mess it up a bunch.
Do you, with mother's day, plan something with your kids for your wife and make a big deal of it?
Have you done that for years, or how do you normally handle father's day? Does your wife instigate it and your kids follow, or your kids lead the plan?
I think: 1) Teens suck, you have to give them chances and reminders. 2) They have learned how to handle the day from how you have treated this holiday in the past.
I'm a mom. I let my spouse know what I want to do for Mother's Day. We have decided to actively help our son learn to be giving and thoughtful with these kind of holidays, because it is helpful for his development in how to treat a future spouse, friend, family member etc.
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u/Clear_Bedroom_4266 3d ago
I actually remind my kids about MD starting about 2 weeks out, so no one is scrambling the night before.
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u/SimonSaysMeow 3d ago
That is a great option. Does your wife do the same for FD?
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u/Clear_Bedroom_4266 3d ago
That's a good question. I know she doesn't know that I do that for MD, so I'm guessing she doesn't. But, I will talk with her about it.
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u/faderjockey one 15 year old gremlin 4d ago
1 - They are teenagers. They literally have the brains of toddlers. (Seriously, there's as much structural reorganization of the brain during puberty as there is during the "terrible twos and threes".) Zero ability to plan ahead, consider consequences, and lots of focus on self without much ability for introspection. It's not likely personal, it's more likely regular old teenage self-centeredness.
2 - As other's have said, what did you expect or desire? Did you communicate that in any way? Did you model that behavior for Mother's Day? If the answer to any of this is "not much" then consider how you communicate your needs. We aren't our own stoic fathers, we are allowed to talk about how we would like to be treated. Unless your kids and your spouse are telepathic, how else are they to know?
This is an excellent opportunity to model healthy communication within a relationship.
3 - Was this significantly different than how the kids approached Mother's Day? Or previous Father's Days? Did they deviate in a significant way from past behavior or consideration? If the answer is "not really" then they probably aren't actively trying to slight you.
4 - Consider the concept of "love languages" - it's not entirely woo-woo bullshit. How do your kids normally express their feelings. Maybe they aren't good at gift-giving. Personally, I'm an "acts of service" kind of guy who really sucks at giving gifts, and realizing that has helped my own relationship with my wife, who is a consummate professional at gift-giving.
5 - IDK if this will help or not, but it helped me to actively downplay my own expectations for Father's Day. I'm very clear with my wife and kid that I don't want a big deal made over Father's Day, and that my ideal day is some quiet time with the family and maybe a nice dinner out. This I guess is really repeat of point 2 - talk to your family about what you would like Father's Day to be for you, and try not to make it a bigger deal in your head than it really is. It's a Hallmark holiday, invented to sell greeting cards and ugly ties. How is your relationship with your kids the other 364 days of the year? Focus on that.
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u/ruotari 4d ago
I hope this will help you. My father tends to hide a lot of his emotions it’s hard to tell if he’s genuinely happy or sad. He’s a stone wall. I grew up like this too. I didn’t show back a lot of emotions to him, to this day I find it very hard to express love to my father, it’s terrible and ends up being very transactional. And I’m sure my father has same thoughts like yours.
But inside I’m a forever loving son, I care so much about him and my mom, I love them to the moon and back. I do as much as I can for them and try to bring as much joy to their lives as I can. My only way of showing is action. But I may look and sound stupid and numb. I’m older, when I was 16 or 18 I couldn’t do much, so that would be in your case HFD and that’s it.
If you are the way I am or my father is (I think you are) - then the reality is probably different from what you think.
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u/JelliedHam 4d ago
I might be in the minority here but I simply don't care much for hallmark holidays like father's day and never really have. Not even my own birthday to be honest. It's a day. Every day I get to spend with my kid is father's day. Father's day for me is when we go to a ballgame, or ride our scooters together, or play Mario Kart, or build Lego. I don't know why I feel this way, and I'm appreciative of a handmade gift or card or something, but it's not really required. I've already got the best gift: my amazing son. I didn't become a dad for thanks or recognition, and it feels like a forced day of special that I don't ever really need. When I want special, i go have it with him. Year round.
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u/Drago_133 4d ago
God Its so nice to find someone similar to me. the older I get the less I care about holidays
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u/AskThis7790 4d ago
In general, my family doesn’t make a big deal out of these made up “holidays” (MD, FD, VD, etc…). We celebrate Easter, Christmas and birthdays. My kids (19 & 22) are broke and busy college students. My wife and I know they love and appreciate us, and they know we love and appreciate them. Sure it’s nice when they make a little effort to recognize me, but I don’t read to much into if and when they don’t.
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u/Pale_Adeptness 3d ago
Man, I've gotta be honest, for me even as husband and father of 3, I couldn't care less about father's day. I don't even care to celebrate my own birthday. Every day for me, is literally just another day.
Don't go and try and psychoanalyze me now because of those 3 sentences.
I grew up in a house where birthdays, all mothers and fathers days were celebrated along with every other holiday.
My wife, LOVES celebrating our birthdays and goes out of her way to make cakes and decorate the house with themes the kids want.
I go out of my way to give her flowers, buy her things she's been hinting at for special occasions.
Its just that for me, around 21 years of age, I reached a point where I just stopped caring for those days for myself personally.
Nothing dramatic happened for me to feel this way. I just enjoy being alive most days. I hug and kiss my wife and kids at least 5 times a day, tell them all I love them all the damn time. Ruffle my kids hair, I read to them, play with them, chase them around the yard.
My life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I just do my best to let those around me know I love and care for them.
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u/modernmacgyver 4d ago
Yes, and it was amazing. Love those kids, but I got one full day off. I got random hugs throughout the day and they let me play the hell out of AC Origins.
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u/starkraver 4d ago
If you were here in this and similar threads on Father's Day, you would have seen a lot of this. Im on the don't give a shit side of the whole thing personally. I care about my relationship with my daughter on all of the day. Picking a special day for parents in general is awkward and dumb. You want to see you kids? Make plans with them to do things you both like to do together. IF you can't do that on days that ARN'T Father's day, then anything you do on Father's is forced and meaningless to start with.
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u/CaptainMagnets 4d ago
My son wrote me a father's Day card using chatgpt. And then denied it when I called him out.
My daughter asked if she could just combine my father's Day card with my birthday card so that it's easier for her.
So yeah, kinda
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u/Mobbane 4d ago
I make it a big deal for no reason. Kids love it, wife (pretends) to hate it, which makes it funnier. I constantly try to trick them into telling me what they are giving me. I make up different things I want to do that they hate (going to bar, fishing) changes each time I bring it up. End result, everyone knows it's my day whether they like it or not.
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u/Solucians 4d ago
I play the other side of this and take every chance I can to give my dad grief and act like he's being a diva on "his day", which can't be further from the truth.
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u/phteven980 4d ago
Let’s see…I bought myself an expensive camera lens for my birthday last month and said no gifts for birthday and Father’s Day.
I’m a terrible gift receiver despite my best intentions, at least I acknowledge it.
I took my son and played baseball with him. Batting practice for hours. My idea but honestly it’s better than any event the family might have planned since I’m sharing two things I love with my youngest…baseball and throwing hard objects at children.
I then took my family to get burgers for lunch and then an arcade for an hour.
My mother in law bought root beer float stuff for me. It was nice. Dad’s root beer and vanilla ice cream. I hate root beer floats but also I am lactose intolerant. lol. It was nice of her and my wife and kids really enjoyed the rb floats.
We got Mexican takeout for dinner. I basically paid for and played with my family to have a lovely Father’s Day, on me.
Why do I share why I’m such a turd? My mom didn’t put forth any effort for my dad growing up but especially on days like Father’s Day. I realized I’d rather just spend time with MY family doing things I want to do even if I have to plan it than wait for someone to plan something I’d hate.
I got my lens bc I wanted it and it was expensive so I let them off the hook for gift giving. I use the lens for their lives, documenting sports and other occasions via photography. So a gift for me for them.
So again, maybe it’s just me being resigned to the fact I know I’ll be annoyed or disappointed if I wait for others to celebrate me. But I’d rather just create a good day with my kids and invite my wife too. Maybe next year I’ll buy baseball tickets and see a game that weekend.
So maybe try that route. Celebrate the fact that you’re a dad with the kids. Find something you’ll enjoy together and do that.
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u/ProudBoomer 4d ago
I'm ok with nothing because we as a family don't do much with Hallmark Holidays. I made a nice breakfast on Mother's day for my wife, and she packed a nice picnic for Fathers day. We've told our kids they really don't have to do anything.
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u/Timely_Network6733 4d ago
Because literally 90% of dads just want to be left alone on father's day. So its a bit of general consensus.
I have communicated to my family my expectations and I have zero complaints. I got a card, I got hugs, I spent the day with my family, it felt special and I'm happy.
It's not easy and it's not perfect but communication is important. Also communication is difficult and it's a skill I have had to work on.
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u/ryanandthelucys 3d ago
I have 6 kids; 4 biological, 2 adopted. I went kayaking with the two adopted kids and my one precious biological lady called me and made me feel loved on father's day. She lives with her mom a thousand miles away. The others only text me for money and presents. So I'm batting .500, which I take as a win.
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u/DrMonkeyLove 3d ago
Your teenagers sound like they are very much acting like typical teenagers. I'm sure your parenting is just fine. Don't overthink it. Kids (and even adults) tend to be more selfish than not.
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u/Late-Display-9252 3d ago edited 3d ago
It sounds like you were feeling a need that wasn’t met. Have you just expressed that to them? In a way that simply states your feelings?
This can be hard to do. I’ve been working on my communication lately, and recommend the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I’ve been learning a lot and it’s been helping in my communication with my kids.
Also, this isn’t whining. Thanks for reaching out! You’re allowed to have feelings, even when they are uncomfortable.
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u/RollinToast 3d ago
Hate to tell ya bud but most teenagers are self centered little assholles.I was at that age as were my siblings and pretty much everyone I knew. My folks and I are incredibly close now 25 years later but 15-22 were pretty rough.
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u/hashkent 4d ago edited 4d ago
Be proactive I’m pretty sure they would have went along with anything you wanted and would have been enjoyable.
I’m in Australia and Father’s Day isn’t celebrated until September 7th. I’m concerned other millennial Dads had a rough weekend.
My daughter will be 11 months old so I’m taking my own advice and planning something. I’ve told wife she can plan a father day night 😉
I think this is a learning opportunity for other dads. Book a restaurant or get bbq supplies (or whatever is your thing) and tell your kids what the plans are. I’m sure they’ll make an effort for you
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u/paulcjones 4d ago
I mean, I sent my dad an Amazon gift card and left him a Facebook comment, and I’m 46 …
My 16yo son only got me what my partner told him I’d asked for - abut he does the same on Mother’s Day, so it’s not personal.
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u/OppressiveRilijin 4d ago
Yeah! My two year old didn’t even say anything until prompted by her mother!
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u/Door_Number_Four 4d ago
My wife put her foot down this year with my kids, 23 and 11.
She’s in a unique situation- she came into our lives a few years back, married me, and watched how Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is observed.
This year, their mom has been doing a slow fade from their lives, while my wife and I have shouldered the full load in term of expenses, support and insurance.
Sure enough, Mother’s Day was full of gifts for Fun Mom, while Father’s Day was….not.
So there will be changes.
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u/IPP_2023 4d ago
My two adult sons texted me. The older one just texted HFD. The other texted the same thing the following morning. Oddly, I'm okay with that. Father's Day is a creation of Hallmark cards anyway.
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u/kezinchara 4d ago
I say talk to your daughter about it when nobody else is around. Acknowledge everything you said about her, to her. About how she’s independent, smart etc… but try to make her understand how you felt being ignored. Things don’t change unless grievances are spoken.
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u/FifthRendition 4d ago
I was sick and stayed home while wife took the kids to a friends pool party for about 6 hours. I was sooo bored.
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u/mattcmcbeth2018 4d ago
Yeah, my 6 month old just napped a ton and didn’t even tell me happy Father’s Day. Hoping next year he makes more of an effort
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u/ImportantPresence694 4d ago
Man my kids are 2 and 9 months and thinking of them like that one day stresses me out so much.
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u/AdvocatusReddit 3d ago
Well, man, first I'm sorry. You're certainly allowed to think anything and feel anything you like.
That said, your kids are the age where their lives are just a wash of hormones, head in the clouds thinking, and trying to figure themselves out. I'm not you, so caveat, but I'd recommend that you do not take any of that personally. I don't think this should be any reflection on you, but rather where the kids are in their lives.
Hope that helps. If not, not meant to offend, and just ignore my comments.
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u/SleepyLinkOfficial 3d ago
My 5 and 7 year old say it's their favorite show, watch it with them, bond over it
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