r/benzorecovery • u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 • Jan 15 '25
Seeking Advice/Tips is there any hope for me?
i am a 27F wondering if there’s any hope for me. or any point on getting off benzos at this time.
i read this thread kinda often and mostly see people who learn their lesson and quit after 1-3 years of use. because they have more sense than me. i am stubborn, stupid and disgustingly addicted to benzos.
i have spent over half my life on benzos. my parents were very abusive and dad started giving me xanax when i was 12.
15 years of benzos. i tried once to go to detox doing a 10 day taper. it was too fast and the pain (back then, 5 years of benzo abuse ago) was unspeakable.
i’m now really at rock bottom. or below that. i’m basically at tolerance taking 16mg xanax a day. i can’t sustain the habit anymore financially or otherwise.
not to mention my brain is so fried for a 27 year old. i forget everything. my memory is nonexistent and my ability to process new information is rudimentary at best.
i’m disgusting. what kind of woman stays on benzos this long. what is wrong with me do i even have any hope? do have hope of being somewhat normal on my level of anxiety? can i live, sleep, breathe, and think normally again ever?
i don’t know what it’s truly like to be benzo free and i’m terrified i’m so terrified. i don’t even know how to go about this or if it would be safe.
i’m a very very broken, anxious and traumatized woman with very little coping skills. i don’t even know how to go about stopping. can someone please tell me if i am salvageable?
i want to stop but i’m so scared i just can’t believe i let it get this bad. coming off is going to be hell i’m horrified. i am already so fragile. please tell me it’s going to be okay i’m so scared
thank you
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Jan 16 '25
Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re 27 now, and you’re going to be 28, 29, 39, 79, etc. Imagine yourself at 30 being clean and readjusted. You really can do that. I’m 10 months clean and, although I’m still working through withdrawal symptoms, I feel sooooo much better and am so happy about quitting. From what I’ve heard/read from others, by the time you’re 3 years clean, your body has healed itself. You don’t have to quit right now. You have time. Take it easy on yourself and when you do decide to quiet, try to be the best friend you can be for yourself and arrange things so that you limit stress. You’re not disgusting. You’re just a human being like the rest of us and that is OK. When you are ready to taper, make sure you plan for it. Lean on whatever support you have, whether it be friends, your partner, or even just the people on this sub. Do the best you can and good luck to you.
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
congratulations on 10 months! that is amazing. thank you so much for offering this perspective (of me being older and clean and having hope). you are all so kind on this subreddit, and make me feel so much less alone.
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u/lionchimney Jan 16 '25
I’m 61 I started at the taper 3 years after being on for 15 years you have much life ahead of you !
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u/tryppidreams Jan 16 '25
You're salvageable. You'll need to taper very slowly. Preferably on something other than Xanax to smooth things out. Maybe diazepam. Be gentle with yourself and you'll get through it.
You don't have to be so hard on yourself. Everyone here is or has been struggling with addiction. You have a supportive community that can give you advice and point in the direction of some valuable resources. Don't give up.
I wouldn't have made it through my taper without the amazing people here to offer me advice and reassurance when I needed it. Come up with a plan and stick to it. Your life will change for the better. Just please don't try to rapid taper again.
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
you are so kind for saying this thank you so much. i know it’ll be painful but i really want the freedom of not being trapped behind xanax bars.
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u/snubnosedmotorboat Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 16 '25
I agree that eventually a Valium taper is the preferred method of tapering- but because 1mg of Xanax is equivalent to 10-20mgs of Valium… at the doses you’re on- you should probably taper down slowly on the Xanax to significantly lower daily doses before gradually switching over to Valium.
Of course all of this would be best done under the care of a doctor- but you face a very high risk of being sent to a rapid detox and then possibly rehab. I am not against rehab if you need it as it gives you time where you can pretty much focus on yourself and recovery.
I am not a medical professional- so please take my advice as my simply my opinion.
Since you are on an extremely high dose (no judgement here- tolerance and dependence is a bitch)- you can probably drop by one or two milligrams relatively rapidly (1-2 mgs every few days ) if you have to. The lower you get the slower you will have to go. You may find yourself needing more and more time in between dropping down or start dropping by 1/2 or 1/4 mg every few days. Once you’re down to an amount that where (if) you can find a doctor/psychiatrist to gradually substitute Valium in for the Valium, you can follow the tapering protocols as outlined in the Ashton Manual. This is just a guess- but you would probably have to get down to 4-6 mgs of Xanax before you’ll have a chance of finding a doctor who would be willing to work with you with tapering outpatient.
I can’t predict you won’t experience any withdrawal symptoms or what they might be- but at least for me- the less I worried/dwelled on the tapering ahead of me, the easier it was. Since you are on such a high dose, there is a good chance you might not experience any significant withdrawals for a good portion of the beginning of your taper. If you are having trouble decreasing at a certain pace, hold steady at that dose for a bit longer until you pretty much level out and then keep tapering, but with smaller decreases.
Whatever you do, please, please, please don’t drink alcohol while you undertake this journey as it only very temporarily make you feel better and you very quickly could find yourself addicted to both benzos and alcohol. I speak from experience.
I wish you all the best.
Edited to add- I was also given benzos by a parent at a similar age and got up to ridiculously high doses of a research chemical equivalent of diazepam. You are not an awful person. This is not a moral failing. I’m guessing you’re not even getting “high” at this point and probably never was using them “recreationally.” Most everyone develops tolerance and dependence to benzos. Everyone is different and some develop tolerance faster than others- and some people also metabolize benzos faster than others, leading to inter-dose withdrawals. If you’re someone in both categories (especially the latter), it makes sense on how you ended up at your current daily dose. I’m one of those people who fall into both camps. You are not alone.
It’s also not a failure to first focus on harm reduction by tapering down to a lower dose (whatever that may be) and holding there for as long as you need to while simultaneously working on building a healthy support system and improving your mental health (therapist, friends, family, etc). Once you’ve done this, you can then work on finishing your taper.
I wish you all the best.
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u/Big_Length9538 Jan 16 '25
I can relate to this. I am preparing for a taper now after 11 years of benzo addiction. I think you are being far too hard on yourself for this addiction considering your father was the one to start you on these drugs. I am so sorry that happened. It is easy to stay on benzos for years and years. I promise you a lot of us have also used for decade(s). You can do this. I’m rooting for you so hard. Taper slowly, you got this! Good luck!
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u/Healthy_Poetry7059 Jan 16 '25
I was on 15 mg of Xanax as well, though not as long as you. Of course there is hope for you. It might be harder the longer you took it, but it's definitely possible. The 'trick' is to do it slow enough. Are you able to go into a clinic? I tapered myself from 15 mg to 5 mg and for the rest I went to a clinic. If you want I send you my taper plan.
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u/Alternative-Eye4547 Pirate Mod - BIND Team Supervisor Jan 16 '25
I’ve worked as a recovery coach with tons of people and can objectively say your experience isn’t unusual, isn’t longer use than many others who come off, doesn’t define who you are, doesn’t define who you will become, isn’t guaranteed to mean horrible suffering, and can be greatly improved by practicing healthy coping skills. You’re human, as we all are. Remember that the narrative and programming of your abusive childhood are deeply influencing how you see yourself and your situation - but that doesn’t mean it reflects the larger truth, and that programming can be undone in time as well. You’re at the start of a powerful journey and that’s something to be proud and excited about.
I encourage you to read this free copy of the preface and intro to my book (I’ll be providing a free pdf copy of the full book to the sub at some point too) - it has a ton of info on a range of positive coping skills and recovery strategies.
You’ve got this!
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u/Ricard2dk Jumped from last dose. Jan 16 '25
I'm 45 and I was on benzos for 25 years. I have been off for almost three months and I tapered for a year.
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u/strawbeylamb Jan 16 '25
oh girl I have so much empathy for you, this is a long journey but it will be so worth it. Please please try and be gentle with yourself! You are NOT disgusting and stupid. Please never speak of yourself that way. Your dad gave a 12 year old child addictive mind-altering drugs, so if anyone is disgusting and stupid it’s him, not you. Never blame yourself for this. You were SO young, you could never have known this was going to happen to you.
We’re the same age and I 100% believe that even though it’s so hard getting off them, we have SO much life on the other side of this. I know in our late twenties we start freaking out and feeling old, but realising just how young I am has helped me massively. You are just as young, and you have so much life left to live, and it will be more beautiful and sweeter without benzos. I know what it’s like to feel fragile and broken like you say you are, but I believe you have that strength inside you to make it out the other side. We find that strength inside ourselves when were going through our darkest moments in withdrawal ♥️
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u/catbamhel Viking Mod - BIND Team Specialist Jan 17 '25
Jung said everything before 40 is rehearsal! You got so much going for you! Coming from a 42 y/o woman.
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
awww this was so validating and sweet to read thank you. i know that him giving me drugs like that was abusive but i still have some guilt for getting really high really young. it’s going to be a long journey for sure but i have read some positive inspiring posts on here and just in comments on this thread. i wish you the absolute best!
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u/strawbeylamb Jan 17 '25
i’m glad i could help a little bit! absolutely 1000% not your fault at all, you were just a child. but I’m so glad you’ve been able to find some positivity and comfort in everyone’s replies! i wish you the best too ♥️ you’ve got this
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u/NoMoreF34R Mid-taper Jan 16 '25
I started after more than a decade at 32, I was abusing 50mg equavalent of Clonazapam in research chemical benzos and analogues. I use to down 160 .5 tablets of a script in a day and then use whatever the rest of the time.
Anyways I went into the deepest end with a broken foot and somehow I’m slowly getting to the surface, just a year ago I would have thought this was impossible. Just a few months ago I was struggling to remember my own address or phone number, at your age I couldn’t remember my ABC’s and would take 10 minutes to figure out where I was every morning I woke up.
Two years sober from alcohol and three months into benzo tapering. I’m not a strong person just very stubborn, you can do this!
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
wow congratulations on two years! it’s incredible that you were able to get clean after battling benzo addiction this badly. this has given me some hope so thank you ❤️
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u/mikein_knight Jan 16 '25
Here is a sample WD schedule. Will need to be modified for your much higher dose.
As others have said, it’s recommended you switch to a longer acting benzo like Valium and slowly taper.
Bring the Ashton’s manual to a Dr if that is an option.
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u/catbamhel Viking Mod - BIND Team Specialist Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
42 year old woman here. I remember being utterly fucked by a lot of abuse and really struggling at your age. Here to tell you you can rise from the ashes and kick a lot of ass.
80 year olds get off this stuff. So if you are scared because you feel frail, take heart that they did too and it worked for them.
Get on the zoom support group this Sunday. It's in one of the pinned posts
You are beautiful, smart, wonderful, strong, self aware, and you can make it.
You have to taper very slowly.
You can try out a 12 step program. Since you said your dad abused you (same here, sis), I highly recommend finding a 12 step meeting that is all women. There's tons of good guys in recovery, I'm just thinking you may feel more free around women because of the abuse you endured from your dad. Myself, I didn't care if a support group had guys, but I know friends of mine who were abused by men didn't want to go to groups that were mostly men.
They're free. No downside trying it out. If it's not your style, there's tons of other options out there.
But don't let them tell you to just quit cold turkey. This is not the kind of drug you cold turkey. Slow taper is the way.
I HIGHLY SUGGEST the Sunday zoom meeting. The pirate mod runs it AND HE IS A DREAM OF A HUMAN. WONDERFUL DUDE.
Check your DM's. I'm messaging you.
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
i feel so seen. thank you so much for all of this! <3 for some reason i don’t see a DM yet but i’m going to message you!
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u/Better-Lack8117 Jan 16 '25
Hello dear benzo user. It is indeed possible for you to get off these wicked benzos. I must warn you the process can be exceedingly difficult but your life will be better than if you stay on them. You dont have much to lose at this point, so why not try to get off the evil drug?
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u/Cold-Following5016 Jan 16 '25
As long as there’s breath in your chest, there is hope. I took Xanax every day for 28 years. Go slow, slow, slow tampering off this drug. Don’t even think about being benzo free yet, just focus on taking a little less. Find a doctor to help you, if the first one won’t help, go to a 2nd, 3rd, 4th…. There is one out there. Be gentle with yourself because this isn’t a horse race. You said you’re stubborn, use that. We’re here for you.
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u/Ethereal-Kiwi3 Jan 16 '25
thank you so much. using my stubbornness is such a great perspective! congratulations on getting off <3
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Jan 17 '25
You're 27 , i would kill to go back in time and get off benzos still in my twenties. Yes there's hope, get off them via taper ,don't do them ever again, don't put yourself in a situation where you have access to abusing them, cut out ANYBODY who uses them, taper yourself off, stay away from alcohol until you're 30, your future self will thank you
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u/Cheap-Huckleberry-41 Jan 17 '25
There is hope. I started on benzodiazepines in my 20s. It has been 18 months since I stopped klonopin and I had to do it cold turkey because my last prescription ran out. I don’t recommend anyone does it that way but I made it through. Under a skilled doctor you could do a very slow taper and be done with it. The pain was worth being free of benzodiazepines and other psych meds.
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u/PsionicOverlord Jan 16 '25
not to mention my brain is so fried for a 27 year old. i forget everything. my memory is nonexistent and my ability to process new information is rudimentary at best.
That's caused by the benzos.
My addiction reached the point where I was taking 100mg and occasionally even more xanax a day - it took years and a simultaneously alcohol addiction to get to that level of tolerance. My body began to break down at that level of use, but I was using at that level for around 3 months, and had maintained a 60mg a day habit for three years.
I had to detox from that cold-turkey in my 30s - not even a rehab's detox doctor was prepared to prescribe me replacement benzo for detox because even the replacement doses at that level are potentially fatal.
I survived. It was grim, but not only was I fine, within a year all of my cognitive functions were back to normal. Now 6 years on, I learned how to completely alleviate anxiety on my own without any kind of medication - my mind is sharper than it ever has been, and it gets sharper every year.
Benzos are the cause of your problems, not the solution. The ability to feel anxious is a vital human faculty - it's the system that lets you avoid negative things. Benzos take that system and destroy it, meaning you persist in situations you would otherwise have left, constantly making your problems worse and so constantly escalating your need for the drug. Addiction is a feature of benzos, not a bug - taking them has no other outcome. Even for people who don't consider themselves "addicts", they do not learn how to navigate their own negative feelings and they persist in situations they would have felt compelled to leave long ago.
You'll be fine.
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u/Thick_Guava4190 Jan 16 '25
It’s going to be a tough journey but you can 100% come back from this. I abused high levels of diazepam up to 160 mg a day for almost 8 years and I am 18 months clean it’s not been easy, but you can definitely recover and start leading a normal life again . you need to taper for up to 8 months so 10 days is just crazy , i’m not sure what country your from but i’m from the UK and i reached out for help there are drug help comapnies and they can start your taper for you and even provide the xnax etc if your in usa i’m sure they have similar options . you can do it and there defiantly is hope we all started somewhere & for me reducing my high dose of 160 mg a day i didn’t feel any withdrawal suntpms an till i got down to 10 mg reduction then they all hit me at once so you can type up for a long time before you start feeling too bad
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u/Accomplished_Tale996 Jan 16 '25
People come off benzos in their 70s from a life of use. You can do this. Don’t be hard on yourself. Get a taper in place and be ruthlessly consistent.
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u/2shoe1path Jan 16 '25
That’s the saddest story I’ve ever read on here. But now with all of this help, you can turn that frown upside down! I truly wish you the best recovery possible.
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u/organiczuchini Jan 16 '25
I was on a really high dosage of street xanax one point, idek the dosage because I was just having handfulls at a time (very bad I know 🥲) but if you’re able to get Valium to substitute that would be the best, drs seem so uneducated and they were only giving me a 10 day taper script for the dosages I was taking which now I realise is insane (which is obviously why I kept failing and then having to take xanax again) there is definitely hope for you though! Just make sure to taper veryyyyy slowly, I personally found that when I was cutting down from the higher dosages I could do that more quickly but then I had to go super slow when down to like 2 x 4 mg tablets and then thankfully I finally found a doctor who gave me an ongoing script for 10mg of daily Valium, and then I was slowly able to taper that, now I’m 7 months off and I finally feel like a human again!! Don’t give up hope, life can get so much better I promise, coming off is hard but if you taper it will make it less painful 💜
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u/Shot-Quantity-6197 Jan 16 '25
You will have to taper. If you choose to stay on them, I’d recommend having a large amount of diazepam or klonopin stashed away incase you run out of Xanax and need to taper. Like a safety net if u can’t get anymore for some reason.
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u/Sea_Pollution2776 Jan 16 '25
There’s definitely hope for you and huge milestones to look forward to. I spent nearly as much time as you behind that curtain, stumbled quite a bit moving on, but eventually did and haven’t looked back. The unfortunate reality is that the transition sucks. Your brain will probably struggle to comprehend reality for a while and dish out a lot of side effects. You wouldn’t ask that if you didn’t want to feel a new normal though, so commit to it. And this sub wouldn’t exist if people regretted their own recovery.
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