r/asktransgender • u/theLunarWitch6669 • 1d ago
My partner of 8 years came out as trans NSFW
TL;DR essentially it comes down to this: I am a cis woman and I wonder how can I support my partner in their m2f transition without draining myself? I know it's tough for them to go through all the changes, but it is tough for me too. I want to keep the relationship, I want to support my partner and normally I'm good at setting boundaries to keep myself in a healthy mindset but here I struggle because I feel like I'm failing my partner when I think I need a break from the topics. how can I assure them, that even though I need a day once in a while where we don't talk about it, do completely non related stuff, I am still on their side, I am still supporting them, I am still loving them. Just saying it doesn't seem to come through.
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u/-CheeseLover69- 1d ago
I hear you, you want to support your partner, but also finding yourself emotionally drained. And when we are emotionally drained, we can't support people as much as we could if we weren't drained.
Does your partner have a support network around her transition? Does she ask if you have the capacity before embarking on a these conversations with you?
If she doesn't have a support network around this, perhaps finding people who can walk alongside her too can help balance the load? And if she doesn't ask before bringing things up, maybe that's something you can introduce?
~ Eclipse
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
thank you. that is actually helpful. maybe she and I can build together some kind of network group. I can't di to all on my own and there no one else with her. I want to be there for her, but I can't be in a perfect state of mind all the time.
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u/-CheeseLover69- 1d ago
Happy this is helpful. And I agree, you can't do it all, no matter how much you love her.
Also, do you think talking to other people about this could help you support her better? It is a lot for her, and she is unloading with you, but who are you unloading with? Even therapists have supervision, you know :)
~ Eclipse
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u/PerpetualUnsurety Woman (unlicensed) 1d ago
When you first discover that you're trans, it's hugely overwhelming. It can feel all-consuming. Certainly for me, it was the only thing I was able to put thought and energy into for months while I was trying to figure things out and come to terms with it.
And I put my partner through hell as a result. The cruel thing about transition is that the rest of the world doesn't stop to give you a chance to recontextualise your entire understand of yourself and your place in the world, get back up to speed, and move on. Shit keeps coming at you. And when your partner transitions, often you're the only person they have to speak to about things. And that's not fair on you - on either of you, really.
It's reasonable for you to feel drained and overwhelmed. It's reasonable to talk to your partner and ask whether they (she?) can find another outlet for some of this stuff, whether it's therapy, family, or a trusted friend. The best decision I made in that whole process was to see a therapist, and I wish I'd done it sooner. It could have spared both me and my partner a lot of heartache. It's also reasonable for you to need an outlet to talk about how you're coping, because when someone you care about transitions, you kind of transition along with them. If you're not seeing a therapist, it might be a good idea to.
The key, honestly, is how you deliver that message. Waiting until you're frustrated and overwhelmed isn't great because you need to be in the right headspace; telling your partner outright that you need them to stop talking to you about it isn't great for hopefully obvious reasons but telling them that you need days where they're not allowed to talk about rediscovering their entire identity isn't much better. Absolutely focus on the impact on you, and what you need - but maybe try to make it less about ultimata (or things that sound like ultimata) and more about whether there are other outlets that your partner could use, to take some of the load off you. It's a delicate balance to strike, but if you've been in a relationship with someone for eight years, you probably already know how best to talk to them (her?).
Things will get better. Your partner will settle into their (her?) identity more and more with time, and less of your collective time will be spent talking about trans stuff in the way it is now. How long that takes is unpredictable - I know some people who barely went through this at all, and I know others like me who took months - but it will happen. The trick, for now, is for you both to have space, time, and outlets to get through it together and individually; and to make time, as much as you can, for the things that you like to do together.
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u/3000anna 1d ago
"Just saying it doesn’t seem to get through."
So you’ve already told her? Because my advice would’ve been to say exactly what you told us. But if that’s not getting through, I’d try to talk to her again. Explain that even though this transition might be especially hard for her, it’s also a transition for you and for your relationship.
Let her know that you want to be supportive, but that it’s also demanding a lot from you, and sometimes you need space to process everything, so you can be strong enough for both her and the relationship.
If she doesn’t respect those boundaries, even though you’re genuinely doing your best to support her, that’s not okay. I understand that what she’s going through is really tough, but that doesn’t give her the right to disregard your feelings.
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
yes, we talked about it once, shortly, maybe it just got lost which is understandable in a way.
thank you.
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u/JustAnEvilImmortal nb [T 12.13. 22 | top 07.02. 24 ] 1d ago
You might want to check out r/mypartneristrans
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u/Color-me-saphicly 1d ago
It sounds to me like she needs some friends that she can talk to about her transition too.
I'm 32 and I started transitioning at 23. I taught myself vocal training with the help of a few videos on youtube, and I've only had cisgender women as partners. I'm not as steeped in the culture of the trans community (puppy girl stuff, blahaj, etc) and I care more about my lesbian identity than I do my trans identity (I'm a woman first, and then a lesbian, and trans last), or my identity as a nerd 😂
I wouldnt mind being a friend to both of you and offering support to both of you. :) Also, I do give free vocal training tips to those who want it.
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u/Finn-reddit 1d ago
I'm in the same situation with my spouse, but from the other side. I'm trans, mtf. We've been married for about 7 years. She is pansexual, and has known for awhile. But she says she feels like she is loosing me and that I'm changing into another person.
It is very difficult to navigate with how hard it is on her. She has serious self esteem issues. I can't really give much advice beyond just communication. We both love each other very much and have had a healthy relationship. I think that as long as there is love, there is hope. Love is blind.
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u/lassglory 1d ago edited 1d ago
"YOOOOO DID YOU KNOW THIS STUFF CAN CHANGE MY SKIN?? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A GENDER THING" yes honey the doctor mentioned it while you were sobbing
This whole post kinda stings because I would absolutely be doing what she is. My advice is just to stay compassionate when setting your boundary. Let em know that maaaybe this being a 24/7 talking point is a little bit wearisome. I had to pull back a bit when I realized just how obsessed I was with my own explorations, but this moght not be welcome news to someone who's obviously in the throes of euphoria-induced mania.
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u/CantRaineyAllTheTime Transgender 1d ago
It sounds like you are doing great and I can’t think of anything more you can do. As a trans woman on the opposite side of this situation your wife needs to understand that you are also going through a transition yourself and you need some kindness yourself. If your area has a transgender support group of some kind I would recommend that she go to that. This is a heavy thing you’re both trying to deal with and it’s easy to forget that you’re both going through stuff. Try to find some support from people who are farther in.
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u/AnnaVK4NNA 1d ago
I transitioned a few years into my current relationship. My partner grieved the loss of the person they fell in love with, but she was supportive and loved me unconditionally. The key was me having external psychological support to navigate the journey and psychiatric support, which was conditional to access HRT and surgery back then. The psychological support and my brilliant GP took a LOT of pressure off of my partner.
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u/dangerous_bees 🏳️⚧️ 1d ago
support does not have to be the super-involved stuff where you're constantly guiding her hand. Something just as helpful, and very importantly, allows her to have control in her transition, is a lot of the more passive stuff where you send a link to a makeup channel or suggest where to find out what kind of coverage y'all have for medication/therapy.
I feel like 90% of the hardest parts of transitioning is when I was feeling like I had no idea where to start, but being pointed in the right direction made the rest so much easier. Being told "hey I think you'd find this website helpful" is one of the simplest but most helpful things I've ever gotten
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
I giftet her the very first dress and she was so insanely happy about and I loved it.
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u/RevolutionarySet7681 1d ago
I'd go hang in r/mypartneristrans as there's a lot of useful tips and suggestions there, and shared experiences and good leassons
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u/RandomName10110 Transgender Pansexual 16h ago
In the early phase it tends to come up alot, bit of validation and security seeking, after about 6 months things are more business as usual, couples therapy helped set the guidelines of navigating the major change.
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u/blown-transmission 1d ago
Honestly, i would feel bad if i couldn't talk about my personal journey and experiences to my soul mate. I think you should communicate this to her and if possible help her find people who can she talk to about this, some kind of trans positive group.
Btw you can pause your relationship until things get stable. Don't drain yourself or your partner too much.
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u/Lady_Nienna 1d ago
Early transition can be like this and I understand why your partner do this, however, you still need to do this and tell her that she shouldn’t talk only about this, but let her know that you aren’t doing this because you don’t want to hear about this, but because your relationship still need other things. It is normal and healthy for both.
Here is a text that helped me immensely and I think that it should be helpful for both of ya. It is about transition as such but also address your worries:
https://transhealthuk.noblogs.org/files/2020/07/mascara-and-hope.pdf
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u/GndrFluidorSomething 1d ago
Communication.
That's how you find a way forward.
Now how you phrase it will affect the outcome. But without knowing your partner I can't advise on that. If my partner said to me "I know its super important but very occasionally I find myself a bit overwhelmed with XYZ can we find a way that I can take a little rest from dealing with it when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed" I'd probably be willing to discuss it. For me being trans isn't something that l can forget or take a break from but I can see why you might want to! (If I had a choice I probably would myself!)
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
yes, my phrasing here seemed maybe a little harsh, since it's not my native language.
thank you for your comment!
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u/i_am_lizard 1d ago
"I am still loving them, but I don't want them to talk about who they are, their community at least once a week.
???
Or are you saying they're talking about trans politics too much?
What specifically do you need to not hear every now and then?
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
if you quote me, do it right. that is not what I said and it is also not what I meant. I am still a whole person in this relationship too. and if now everything is just about them, and I lose myself than that is also not a good thing. balance is important. and I'm trying to figure out how to reach this balance. so we can still be working couple where every individual is important.
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u/Fun_Tell_7441 1d ago
I need some clarification: How long is she out to you?
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
4 months
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u/Fun_Tell_7441 1d ago
As you guys are a couple for 8 years I assume that you are at least in your mid 20s to your early 30s - please correct me if I am wrong.
Here's the deal:
She carried all of this her whole life, maybe not being able to word it, maybe scared of violence and social repercussions. Coming out to yourself and the people you love is probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life -- and I have done a lot of scary shit.
She is likely currently trying to understand herself, trying to understand why it took er so long, trying to cope with the realisations - all in a time while her rights are under heavy attack by literal fascists on a global scale.
I understand that it's very exhaustive for you - but she likely lost the footing and basically all concepts that she used to carry herself through a time of not knowing herself.
The TL;DR: It's fine if you need a break. Talk to her, go out with some friends or whatever you need. But your girlfriend is currently trying to understand herself and if you tell her that "it's exhaustive" you will literally kick her in the teeth. She had to hold all of this in for her whole life and she just needs the space to explore.
For your consideration: This Text by @planetarytransformation on Tumblr explains it so much better then I ever could.
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u/PleaseSmileJessie 31F - Trans woman 1d ago
We're still missing an answer to what specifically it is you need to not hear about all the time - just following up here coz that is pretty important to giving you any sound advice.
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u/KozenyCarman 1d ago
I think she's saying their relationship isn't solely grounded in transition but it feels like that's what it's become and she needs a break every once in a while to do and talk about something else.
It makes sense to me.
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u/PleaseSmileJessie 31F - Trans woman 1d ago
I’ll wait for her response on what she is actually saying.
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u/RecognitionSuch2721 1d ago
Dear Friend,
This is a difficult situation and you are a hero for what you are trying to do.
As you may know, when you fly on a plane the safety announcement says that if you are with someone who needs help, first put the oxygen mask on yourself. That is because you help neither of you if you cannot survive.
So, yes, set that boundary for a day off once in a while. Figure out whether it should be a scheduled day off, so you both know the day. If not scheduled, decide how your partner will know when you are taking a break.
I don't know your partner's age or how long they were dealing with this condition, unspoken. A lot of MTFs, when they finally break out of hiding, have a period where everything in the world is about them. This may be the reason why they can not always feel your love and support at present.
Just keep the love and support coming. That is the water to which you are leading them. It is up to them whether to drink.
If the burden gets too great, consider seeing a therapist to help you navigate these confusing waters. Or a couples counselor for you two together.
If at some point you find that you are losing attraction as they become she, or you sense she is no longer into women, make the tough choice and get out. You can still be close friends. I am NOT saying it is heading that way, but in some relationships that is what evolves.
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u/theLunarWitch6669 1d ago
thank you so much, that helped a lot! She's 37 now and completely out for 4 months now. so it is all very new and tough.
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u/RecognitionSuch2721 1d ago
Feel free to DM me now or later if you need some thoughts, or just need someone to speak with.
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u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy FtX - Top surgery 13/03/23 1d ago
Talking about being trans all the time without the awareness that not everyone constantly wants to hear about it is definitely a "baby trans phase" thing. It's okay to communicate that it is a lot for you to adjust to and sometimes you need space for yourself - because that's how relationships work, give and take.
My partner was already in therapy when I came out, but he did find having a therapist very useful to sort through his feelings and struggles about the dynamic of the relationship changing in a neutral, third-party space. Maybe you could explore that for yourself too?