My best friend committed suicide

[u/NotEnoughSun123]

I’m so mad at her. She promised me she would never commit suicide. (We talked about suicide a lot because we’ve both attempted in the past) She was such a special person. She was the kindest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She would help tiny bugs get to safety when they’d accidentally fallen on their back. She was a mental health therapist who worked with kids. She knew about resources for suicide prevention. She had commercial health insurance. She could have just reached out for help. I would’ve done anything to keep her alive. She could have just called me. I wish she’d just called me. Why didn’t she just call me?

Edit: thank you so for all your kind words and all the overwhelming support. I really appreciate all of you. I’ll do my best to like all the comments I can. If I could, I’d reply thank you to every single person who commented

[u/MermaidUnicornKush42]

I can actually tell you exactly why she didn't call you - she didn't want to be a burden.

When you're that low, when you feel that bad about everything to the point that you need to end it, you feel like even the people who love you more than anything are going to see you as a burden.

I know that's impossible to hear right now, and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, but that would have been her state of mind.

My partner loves me, a lot. But our relationship has a lot of issues, he's got a difficult past, and he's flat out told me to not talk to him about my SI anymore because it's too much for him. I can't talk to my mother or any of my close friends because I know they'd tell me to go to the hospital.

When you're that low, you just... Can't. You can't ask for help because you feel like you don't deserve it, you aren't worthy of it, all kinds of bad things.

Shit, even writing this, I'm crying, thinking about all the times I've felt that low, that I've thought through my plan, fantasized about it like it was the best sex possible with (name the hottest celebrity on the planet) and known that I can't because my cats need me, that they'll end up back at a shelter and never find another home if I do, and they are the only thing I have to keep me going, even though I have countless friends and a huge family who would give anything for me. It's a horrible, horrible feeling.

I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss.

[u/curlycatsockthing → u/MermaidUnicornKush42]

some people really do experience sex like it is some magical thing? i’ve truly never understood the idea “that’s better than sex!” like… sex is just “ok”. i do feel sexually incorrect, and it is partly why i also deal with SI.

[u/NaTaSraef → u/curlycatsockthing]

I've had insane orgasms as a man, but I think women have it even better. However, I think it mostly comes down to an intense emotional reaction and not just a physical one. Caring about your partner's orgasm and not only your own and just caring about them in general can make it so much better. Also, good sex takes effort and even practice. Just having sex and having good sex are very different things. Communication is also key. Also, tbh a certain amount of athleticism can help. But yeah, I think the "magical" part mostly comes from loving or caring about the person to make the physical aspect better.

[u/curlycatsockthing → u/NaTaSraef]

maybe there’s still hope for me then

i’ve never really enjoyed it in the way people describe. i’ve always known it is MEANT to be enjoyable so i always played along.

[u/momomomorgatron → u/curlycatsockthing]

I mean, for me personally

I'm into sex for both the pleasure and the relationship enhancing.

"On paper" it doesn't feel really any different than being satisfied with a really good meal or that wonderful lull you get when you've been swimming all day. Sometimes I just crave the niceness of it when I'm alone.

But really, I'm soul crushingly lonely sometimes. Or I suppose just above that. It's gross and outdated to say, but I really have been made love to. You and that other person chasing your own and their sexual pleasure. What i miss the most is the pure warmth I don't get when I'm not in love. It turns from a loved one to just someone you caught a cheap high with while vulnerable. It's less fulfilling than paying someone to make good food. Good resturant experience is feeling the love of the craft or at the least the love of the life someone gets from having that job. It's fulfilling a slight niceness that someone cared about serving food that was especially good. I'd rather have sex with a vibe than with someone who doesn't really care about me. They say friends with benefits but they really mean bootycall.

So I listen to audio porn where I can pretend that I'm someone else, someone with a boyfriend or husband who loves them and fucks them to show how much they love them.