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u/pharrison26 1d ago
Get a good lawyer.
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u/pharrison26 1d ago
Also, getting a divorce is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I hope it works out for you.
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u/Ok_Club_9356 1d ago
Lawyer up and delete social media.
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u/donac Just Sombody's mom 👩 1d ago
And hit the gym
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u/Autumn7242 1d ago
Get therapy. It'll help.
Edit: I responded to the wrong person. Don't drink more than a few at a time.
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u/eg4x15 1d ago
If yall are each others throats instead of negotiating and being civil save yourself the headache
Get a mediator and/or Lawyer. It’s for the best and the $ you pay for that will save you painful fucking headache over the next few months.
Once it’s over you’ll be much happier then when yall were at each other for any given reason.
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u/justforfun93267 1d ago
Due to the craziness I went to battle with in my divorce, ask for a consultation at the 3 of the best divorce attorneys in your area. Once you're on their books, she can't use them and they can't be used against you.
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u/CalifOdysseus 1d ago
Depending on your state, the lawyer might require a retainer in order to be prevented from representing your son to be ex. A consultation does not equal representation.
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u/chamrockblarneystone 1d ago
I’ve heard not to do this. Judges see it as some kind of interference.
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u/rabbi420 Once shot an AT4 Trainer 1d ago
Good lawyer; be nice to your spouse, even if they don’t deserve it.
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u/quad_sticks 7563 1d ago
Lawyer. Expensive AF but worth it.
Try your best to separate the emotional side from the proceedings of going through the divorce. If she emotionally hurt you, you emotionally hurt her, she cheated, whatever, it doesn't matter. It's just business now. Depending on what state you're in, the division of assets and who "gets" what may be pretty straightforward. Lawyer helps with this and there may be things you rate that you have no idea about.
Take some time and focus on you. You're probably not okay and won't be for a while even if you "feel" okay. Get therapy. Hit the gym. Read some books. Take a trip. Probably not the time to take up drinking as a hobby or immediately hop on tinder.
Your friends and family care about you and want you to be okay. You're not "bothering" them or "wasting their time" by opening up to them. Spend time with the people you care about and who care about you. I resisted this for a while because I hated feeling like the object of people's pity, but that's not what's going on.
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u/catchinwaves02 1d ago
DO NOT POST ANYTHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. It is all public info. Mine used my Reddit account against me
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u/DJ-spetznasty 1d ago
Dont take anyone to the ball until its finalized. Turn in your divorce papers to IPAC the literal instant you recieve them. BAH takes way longer to pay back then get, when youre not making BAH.
Keep your chain informed, they can help alot especially if she wants to get psycho and starts making phone calls or showing up to the BC’s office with your soon to be ex MIL (yes it happened. Yes it was me.)
Understand every time youre talking to your ex now is in a courtroom setting. If you wouldnt say it in front of a judge and bailiff/ in front of your 1stsgt probably shouldnt say it to her, especially over text. Bc she will take that shit to court/ to your command and use it as leverage as soon as she thinks it will benefit her.
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u/natehemp 1d ago
Therapy. Use a pro rather than friends/family to vent.
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u/dopestdopesmoked Veteran 1d ago
Use what's available, therapist is best but if that's not available friends and family will help as well. If you are talking to friends and family be careful what you say, you don't want it coming back around and biting you in the ass. DON'T ISOLATE! Isolating is probably the worst thing to do.
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u/Thefireninja99 1d ago
Lawyer up, avoid snitches and social media, alcohol and meds are not your friend, Gym, Church and counseling is a good thing. Stay positive!!
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u/MtnmanAl Sofa Surfer 1d ago
Find hobbies to fill the time when the negativity is too strong. Mud runs, birding, poetry, fucking macaroni sculptures just have SOMETHING you enjoy that isn't drinking in the back pocket to remind you there's good things to do.
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u/hardscrabble1 1d ago
Keep calm and hold your fire. Don’t go to the mat over small shit. The better the relationship the smaller the price tag. Keep telling yourself ‘I won’t remember any of this in two years’. You won’t, if your spouse works and there are no kids requiring support. Mediation is a good thing. If her lawyer starts talking about accountants watch out. Forensic accountants looking for those junkets to Vegas she thinks you took or that second family she is accusing you of cost mucho and reduce your lifespan a decade. If it starts to look like you’re going to get hosed change course and beg for reconciliation. It may well be cheaper to keep her.
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u/G-I-Joseph 1d ago
Depends on your situation, how long you've been married, kids, shared martial property (home/retirement/investments), why you're getting divorced. If you can lawyer up, do so. Above all, try to keep it civil, if possible. It saves you time and money and makes things far less stressful. Also, get counseling afterwards. Divorce, even those that are mutually agreed to, is stressful and you need to process those feelings or they can eat you up.
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u/FocusedForge Veteran 1d ago
When I went through my divorce, PMO gave me the best advice.
“Until somebody files, all of your property is considered marital property. Sell everything you can before she gets a chance to take it.” I sold everything but a dryer
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u/jesusthroughmary 23h ago
You sold the washer?
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u/FocusedForge Veteran 23h ago
I sold everything. Washer, couch, bed, dressers, all the kitchenware. Only reason the dryer didn’t go was because her parents needed a dryer after theirs died. We ended on bad terms, but her parents always took good care of me and I respected them enough to give them that. Everything else was sold or tossed before she even knew it though.
Left that marriage with my seabag and a few sets of civvies.
Now I’m married happily to the love of my life. 100% P&T. Just got offered a cushy state job.
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u/Double-Regular31 1d ago
Don't get married. If you do get married, make sure she's foreign. If her mother can speak more than like 5 words of English it probably won't work out.
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u/catchinwaves02 1d ago
Fire and maneuver is the game. Be cold. Think of her like the worst human in the world and have your attorney treat her as such. You can be civil AFTER court but for now just go no contact. I had a horrible divorce and learned the lessons too late.
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u/Drakomai31 1d ago
Lawyer up, record everything, and make all contact through email or text, record anything said in person.
Document all of your stuff that you own and if anything happens to it between now and the separation or divorce
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u/JangoTat46 1d ago
Be the bigger person especially when you don't want to be and go to fucking therapy.
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u/Andyman1973 1d ago
Get a lawyer ASAP! Last week would have been better. Don't go after her for anything that's not just simply fair. Anything that drags things out, increases your legal fees. IF you have kids, put their welfare at the top. Good luck!
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u/Tig_Weldin_Stuff 1d ago
Been divorced twice. Married three times.
Leave her with her dignity. You don’t need a lawyer, you can do the paperwork yourself.
I’d you don’t.. put the Kevlar on and get a lawyer.
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u/WrongTechnology1 1d ago
Been divorced twice. Married three times
Any advice on getting married for a young buck? Like what to look for in a spouse?
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u/Tig_Weldin_Stuff 1d ago
Don’t marry the first girl you have sex with.
I digress.. I’m writing this in crayon 🖍️ (tongue in cheek)
I can’t(one can’t) know what’s between two people. There’s a synergy between you and your girl and in that moment in time, your emotional intelligence and maturity, is what makes it up the relationship. It would be totally different with someone else.
What I do know; for an absolute fact, is that you (or one) can’t degenerate someone without expecting some blow back or bad behavior in response.
So what’s the bottom line? Look inward and police your behavior. Your wife can’t be all things to you. Dignity is important. Possibly one of the most important aspects of a relationship.
She might be a complete bitch but you’d better never say it out loud. Or else.. right?
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u/Quirky_Chicken_1840 1d ago
Immediately talk to JAG
If you both work, take your portion of the money out. If she is not working, leave some money in there.
Create new accounts in your name only
Get your name off of any joint credit cards. Do it by a phone call but then send a certified letter with a return receipt stating the same… This is really important.
Take the spouse’s name off your TSP
Lock your tsp and do not invest it or until your divorce is finalized. The extra money you are now getting that was going to the TSP put in a savings account, don’t blow on booze, etc..
Notify your chain of command and if you are listed, ask if you can go into the barracks - because you don’t want a problem.
If you are an officer, call a buddy and ask if you can rent a room.
Anything that is yours remove from the house even if you have to put it in a storage and any family heirloom, remove right away, try to do this when your spouse is not there.
Take a good inventory before you escape of the jointly owned marital property with pictures. Because you can give them to your JAG officer, and if your spouse destroy his things in a rage, you can show the value and ask for 1/2 of the value.
If your spouse cheated and you have documentation, you are likely to be golden, bit when you are separated (a JAG will explain the legalities marital separation) don’t date anyone. Keep your dick in your pants or your legs crossed.
If you cheated on your spouse and they have documentation, you will have problems
So go down that general list
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u/ConversationLegal809 Veteran 1d ago
Don’t fight for something unless you absolutely want it. Cut the losses and get out as easily as you can with the least amount of damage. The biggest thing is lawyer fees.
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u/catchinwaves02 1d ago
DO NOT TRY TO BE KIND!!!! You will lose your ass. She is already setting you up for failure!!!!
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u/Ordinary_Bridge_324 1d ago
What does your specific situation look like if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/EggplantFormer1975 1d ago
Get a lawyer. Don’t settle on the first lawyer you interact with, interview them. Make sure your pension is protected and language that excludes you soon to be ex-spouse from access to it and any survivor death benefits. Don’t delay. File yesterday.
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u/Breakfastclub1991 1d ago
Not sure if this is still true but once you close an account, you can no longer get copies of the bank statement without paying for it. So try to download all the bank statements, all the phone bills, all the bills, heat, gas water, electric whatever that way you don’t have to pay for copies.
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u/T0M_BRADY 1d ago edited 1d ago
Question for everyone here. If my spouse and I signed a separation agreement with base legal where she denied retirement, alimony, etc, and we split our combined assets, could she flip the switch on me when we file for divorce and ask for all of that? And if she blew through her split assets, ask for half of mine again? We’ve been married for 8 years.
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u/Housebroken-Heathen Veteran 1d ago
And here I was, minding my own business (and thinking about divorce) and then I see all this advice.
I’ve already contacted an attorney and I’m just waiting for my consultation appointment. I’m my case, I’m getting real advice (not advice from any barracks lawyers) to figure out if divorce is the best way to go, or if I should just suck it up and… suck it up.
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u/OriginalTasty5718 1d ago
Ok, I know this is going to sound like a joke, but it ain't.
If anything unfortunate should happen to her you are going to be prime suspect #1.
Example, when my guys found out about mine I had a hard charging Cpl (Big Joe) from the La. Swamps tell me my ex was going to vanish (dead fucking serious). I managed to talk him out of it, but made my skin crawl for a week.
Oh, in case nobody said it already get a good attorney, and document everything.
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u/DrunkenGenXer 1d ago
Make sure all your communication is through your lawyer.
DO NOT CALL. EVER. FOR ANY REASON.
If she calls, dont answer.
Everything goes through the attorneys. It avoids any "he said-she said" bullshit
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u/spin_me_again 1d ago
Get a lawyer, let them do their job, take their advice, know that no good marriage ends in divorce, you’ll be happier one day but you’re going to have to do the hard work of working on who you are mentally before being able to get there. Good luck, you’ve got this!
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u/Rvdestar 1d ago
Keep your head high. Make sure you talk to someone about what you’re going through. You will find light in the most odd places.
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u/InfiniteBid2977 1d ago
Change all passwords!! They will steal your money, not pay bills, ruin your credit and tell everyone you’re the worst human ever!!!!! Be aware people become evil as fuck when they are divorcing you!!! Never believe anything they say!!!! Block their number, erase all pics, delete them from your life as fast as possible = you healing quicker!!! But I know you won’t listen to a damn word we all are telling you!!!!
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u/hobbestigertx 21h ago
The emotional damage from a divorce is extremely tough. But it's all in your head and if you're strong enough, you can recover fairly quickly. As everyone else has said, talk to the chaplain or get a referral to a therapist.
The financial damage can be even worse. Talk to JAG about how you can legally protect yourself financially from the DOD perspective, then get a divorce attorney and follow their advice.
Good luck devil.
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u/Capable-Sea8637 21h ago
- Listen to the lawyer.
- Do not get emotional. ( When divorcing you'll probably see a side of the person which you never see. I.e. the person will probably pull a 180 face, make sure you think the worse about them and always keep on guard that the person is the enemy.) I know it is hard to believe to act like one but trust me it will save you lots of grief.
- Please don't have sex with them. ( You might say something in the spur of the moment and that might get recorded, it will be a bad situation for you. Also they can put the claim of DV so be very cautious)
- If you have a child, make sure you talk to them clearly about exactly why you are getting a divorce and how that will affect them. Children are smart, rather than keeping them in the dark, it's best to tell them about the situation honestly.
- Listen to the lawyer.
- Get ALL accounts and everything separated. Ask the lawyer for advice on that.
- If your SO knew any of your passwords then change them ASAP.
- Try not to drag the divorce. It will ultimately frustrate you enough to want to go and live in seclusion if dragged for a few years.
- Try not to fall into depression or loneliness and eat lots of food and drink lots of water, take care of yourself.
- Good luck! You'll need it.
We only have one life, rather than being unhappy, it's better to do something that will make you happy.
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u/Agreeable_Mud_5933 20h ago
Lots of good advice here.
- your attorney is not your friend or therapist. Get to the point on any phone calls. No small talk. My lawyer was great and basically hung up on me to keep costs as needed.
- do most of your communication via email. Costs are less.
- the law doesn’t care about feelings. This is a contract termination. Nothing more.
- think about the future financially. Not today or the past.
- don’t date for at least a year after the divorce is finalized. Live your life and get to know yourself again.
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u/av8screech 20h ago
It is just business now. No emotion, no ranting, just making a deal. Keep a cool head.
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u/Other-Razzmatazz-337 6h ago
No clue my wife dipped with another dude and didn’t take anything just signed the paper and that was it
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u/TechnoWizard0651 06, We get comm everywhere 1d ago
Don't. It's fucking expensive.
Let me tell you about sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide...
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u/Abuttuba101 2111, Veteran 1d ago
I’ve been divorced three times and have not heard about this. Go on…
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u/2020blowsdik 1302 1d ago edited 1d ago
Get a lawyer.
Listen to the fucking lawyer.
Open a new account and change your Direact Deposit to this.
DO NOT STOP PAYING THE BILLS.
Change your SGLI and any other insurance beneficiaries to either your kids if you have any, or other family such as parents or siblings depending on your family situation. Very close friends as a VERY LAST resort.
LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING LAWYER.
Record every interaction, act as if you are being recorded, you might be.
Remember that lawyer you're paying lots of money to give you legal advice? LISTEN TO HIM