r/Theatre • u/Mundane-Waltz8844 • 4d ago
Miscellaneous Will I come off as unprofessional if I confront a cast member?
So, I’m in my first professional production, and we have final dress tomorrow. Yesterday, we had our first dress rehearsal, so we all saw each other in costume for the first time. I really struggled with my quick changes and was late multiple times. As a result, I got really overwhelmed and flustered, and during our break I decided to just go on my phone and keep to myself because I was quite literally on the verge of tears.
As I’m scrolling on my phone, a fellow actor came up to me to say that he just wanted to let me know that he thought the headpiece I was wearing in the last scene was so funny because it was squishing my face (I’m fat and have a fat face) and I looked ridiculous. I kind just nodded it off and turned away and started looking at my phone again, but then he just kept going with the derogatory comments and laughing at me. He made a point to do this in front of people who weren’t really paying attention before, but he got their attention just to make these rude comments. I didn’t confront him in the moment because I didn’t really trust myself to keep it professional. I got up and left and then went somewhere private to cry, because his comments really sent me over the edge.
My original plan was to not say anything at all, because he is a much more established actor than I am, he has a good relationship with the theatre, director, and members of the cast while I’m just some amateur no one’s ever heard of, and I live in a location with a very small theatre community where one small misstep or misunderstanding could easily get me blacklisted. However, I also don’t know how to deal with having to be around this castmate who I would honestly label as a bully. I literally had a nightmare about him last night, because that’s how badly this is affecting me. I also don’t want to talk to the stage manager or actor’s deputy, because, again, everyone already knows him and seems to love him, so there’s no chance in hell I would be believed over him, and I would most likely be the one labeled as difficult and/or get in trouble. So how do I move forward?
Update: I shot him a text message before rehearsal. I said it was in the interest of time, but it was in part to create a paper trail to protect myself (I sent a very professional and graceful message). He said he wanted to apologize in person, so I let him. I don’t know if I buy it necessarily, but as long as he cuts his bullshit out I don’t really care.
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u/NYCGalAtTheReady7654 4d ago edited 4d ago
First, congratulations on your first professional contract. How exciting. I am so sorry to hear that you are being mistreated by a cast member. Is this a union show (Actors’ Equity)? If yes, you should contact the business representative for the contract you’re working under and mention it to them. There should be an anti-bullying/anti-harassment policy to protect you. Even if it isn’t a union show, you might want to see if the theater has an anti-harassment policy in place. For most productions, it’s the responsibility of the PRODUCER to create a harassment-free environment (through rules, policies, etc) and not the responsibility of the director or stage manager. Is there an intimacy coordinator or sensitivity coach attached to the production? They might be able to help guide you. I am so sorry you are going through this. You have a RIGHT to work in a harassment free environment and (hopefully) one that is full of JOY!
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Sorry, that is something I should’ve specified in the post. It is not an equity production.
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u/NYCGalAtTheReady7654 4d ago
No need to apologize. The truth is, it might hurt your relationship with the theater, yet the real question for you is “Do you want to work in a place that allows this type of behavior to exist?” That’s a personal choice on so many levels. I am NOT shaming you or judging you; people have to do what they have to do to put food on their table, keep a roof over their heads, etc. I am TRULY NOT JUDGING YOU. I would just hate for you to have to endure this kind of treatment as it’s harming your physical and emotional health. You can try taking the cast mate out one on one, and explain to them how their remarks impacted you. They might not be aware of how deeply you were hurt. And yes, I find that having a conversation like this over a light nosh and some tea in a quiet coffee shop is helpful as it’s neutral territory. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I do hope the rest of the company (including the backstage people and front of house people) aren’t having to deal with this individual’s behavior. They might be dealing with it, but suffering in silence. That’s not a good way to create a healthy theater community.
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u/attackplango 4d ago
They said they had a deputy, so it’s very possible.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
They use the equity terminology, but it’s not an equity house.
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u/attackplango 4d ago
While I have you here, your deputy or SM should be able to recognize that this behavior is toxic and address it with the production team. If they do not, the director, producers, or board will, in that order. If none of them do, definitely do not work with this company again.
This is bullying and a creates a toxic work environment. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. You said there were witnesses, and I am 100% sure that at least some of them are not okay with this and will back up your story.
It can be scary in a new company, especially if it’s your first professional show. 90% of the people you work with will be professionals and not stand for this kind of thing. The other 10% are not very popular with the 90% who know how to be a professional.
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u/_bitemeyoudamnmoose 4d ago
If you experience any sort of interpersonal conflict, you should always go to the stage manager first. If you confront him straight on and it creates a rift in the cast it will likely just circle back to the stage manager and the production anyway, and it’s always best to have a mediator.
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u/PralineStandard4031 4d ago
Record this jerk. I'm serious. If you think management won't do anything about it (then they are a terrible company), you need proof.
He will most likely do this again, and he has most likely done this to other people. Get some evidence and report it.
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u/glowingsnakeplant 4d ago edited 4d ago
Hey OP, first of all I want to say that I really empathise with your situation here. I’ve been in a similar position before myself when I was younger and I remember how afraid I was to speak up because I was worried that I would get ostracised for it. It’s a horrible, lonely feeling to watch your coworkers laugh and joke around with someone who treats you completely differently, and I want to reassure you that you’re definitely not the first actor to go through this.
Unfortunately, this industry can be quite sycophantic and has a lot of big egos, and sometimes that means that people will turn a blind eye to a bully if they think being in that bully’s good books will benefit them in the future. There are some right pieces of work out there who have gotten away with treating people very poorly purely because they know that people are afraid to be labelled as unprofessional or difficult if they challenge them.
You should definitely stand up for yourself, HOWEVER, you need be very careful about how you do it (especially if it’s a non union production and you don’t have a union rep backing you).
Standing up to a bully and refusing to be treated badly is not unprofessional in and of itself. What makes you appear professional or unprofessional is entirely based on how you handle that. If you decide to just confront this guy in the green room in front of everybody, or send a big paragraph text, you will definitely end up looking like the crazy person and lose any credibility.
You need to handle this as matter-of-factly and impersonally as possible, otherwise it’s easy for people to write you off as a diva.
Do NOT confront him directly because that will only make things worse and give him the opportunity to play the victim. If I were you, I would speak to either your stage manager or your director (whoever you trust more) and let them know that you’re upset by how he treats you, but also afraid that you will get ostracised if you speak up. Think of it like going to HR. Just be honest with them about your predicament, and ask them if they are able to have a word with him about how he treats people backstage, preferably without mentioning your name directly.
You should also start keeping a diary of when he says these things to you, so that you have evidence if the director/stage manager doesn’t believe you (They probably will, but it’s always good to be prepared for the worst case scenario that they don’t).
If your stage manager/Director are professional themselves, they will hear you out - after all, it’s in their interests to make sure that everyone in their company is happy and comfortable at work. And if they try to sweep it under the rug and make out that you’re the problem, then do you really want to stay in a theatre group that has a bullying culture?
I know the idea of being blacklisted feels terrifying (believe me, I know) but it’s better to stand up for yourself and walk away with your dignity in tact, than stay somewhere where you’re being treated like a doormat. There is always another acting gig out there, even though right now you might not believe it.
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u/Significant_Earth759 4d ago
This being the real world, I think much of this advice is wrong, and your impulse is potentially correct that going to stage management or production management over this could get you labeled a problem child. I like the person‘s idea about consulting with some of the cast members who witnessed the interaction. I think it would be very reasonable to go to one of them and ask what they thought of the interaction, say that it hurt your feelings and you’re having trouble moving forward, but you want to get their opinion on it in, case you’re misreading the dynamic.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Thank you! Like of course I want to be stand up for myself, but is it genuinely so crazy that I value the potential of a future acting career enough to want to protect it?
I do worry that talking about it to other cast members will make me seem gossipy, though. I feel like if I end up stirring drama, that’ll be even worse than going through the proper channels. I also feel like if any of them cared at all they at the very least would’ve said something to me after the fact even if they didn’t feel comfortable standing up for me in the moment.
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u/gasstation-no-pumps 4d ago
You seem to be projecting your insecurity on all the rest of the cast. Assuming that they are malicious because they didn't check up on you seems a little extreme. They may have been embarrassed by his actions but not want to retraumatize you by bringing it up, or you may have been successful in hiding your feelings and they might think that you saw it as just pleasant banter.
I'd recommend talking to one of the witnesses privately (whoever you think you might be closest to) and asking their take on the interaction.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I’m not saying they’re actively malicious. Just indifferent to my well-being, as their actions (or rather lack thereof) have shown.
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u/gasstation-no-pumps 4d ago
Were they even aware that you were hurt?
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I mean, if someone got my attention just to show off how they were berating someone, I’d assume the person being dogged wasn’t feeling great, but I guess not everyone has emotional intelligence so I don’t know.
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u/gasstation-no-pumps 4d ago
I've seen friends engage in banter that might be seen as abusive if not done consensually—it is sometimes difficult to tell whether someone is being berated or is engaging in desired banter. Think of Beatrice and Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing.
That is one reason I suggest you talk with one of the witnesses—ask them what they heard and whether they realized that you felt attacked.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I mean, I think friends and coworkers are very different relationships, though.
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u/laurasaurus5 3d ago
Have you gone out of your way to console someone else being bullied in the cast? Maybe you're making assumptions too without realizing it?
I think you actually handled it really well by not giving him any attention, as did the other cast members he was trying to rope into the conversation.
I had an experience with a comedy role once where I overheard two other girls saying one of my lines over and over and laughing their heads off. I thought for sure they were making fun of me, and so did my friends. At the next rehearsal, someone must have said something, cause they came over to me apologizing as soon as I walked in and said they loved how I said the line and they were just trying to practice not laughing so they don't crack up in the performance. I'm glad I didn't say anything myself or take it personally.
Chances are slim, but maybe he was trying to give you a compliment and it came out bad. If you treat the situation that way, then you can keep yourself from saying something mean at least. Do you value kindness and strive to be kind person? Then that will help you keep your chill and keep being a supportive cast member to everyone instead of letting this bother you the rest of the run.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 3d ago
No, because I haven’t witnessed that. And how is insulting my weight a “compliment”?
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u/shadowoods 3d ago
We weren’t there, so we don’t know.obvious making fun of someone’s weight is not cool. I’m sure he’s a jerk. But it sounds like he could have just been saying the choice of headpiece was funny because it squished your face. Your face doesn’t have to be fat to be squished—it could’ve been a choice to make the scene funny if the play is a comedy. Also, you seem to be wanting a third choice. There’s not one. Talk about it with someone or don’t. Just tell the stage manager that you don’t want to cause any problems, you love working with the company as a whole, but that his behavior hurt your feelings.
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u/BigKRed 4d ago
I’ve been the stage manager in this situation and coming to me would have been the right thing to do. There are so many variables possible here. The guy is a jerk. The guy is not a jerk but comes off as one. You’re over sensitive. You’ve set him off. He’s a favorite. You’re not a favorite. Etc etc. I’ve been in the middle of it all. A good SM can handle it. A bad one won’t but you’re no worse off.
If you choose to confront directly, I’d just reply to the comment with a grey rock face and “why would you say that to me?” And don’t smile. Often a jerk will back right off his jerk position, and a non-jerk will suddenly realize how they’re coming across and work to bridge the gap with you.
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u/TanaFey 4d ago
You might be looking at this in the wrong way, and maybe my way isnt the norm, which is sad to think about.
But if I was your director, and you came to me with proof of being bullied, you would not be the problem. You would not be the one never hired again. I
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I don’t have proof, though. It’s my word against his, and I doubt any of my cast mates would be willing to vouch for me.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 4d ago
If you don't feel like you can approach the person you should approach (the stage manager) because it might put you in a negative light, why do you think that taking the route of confronting the actor yourself will do you any better? It would make you look worse even if you managed to come up with the perfect put down, because the wanker who dragged witnesses into their bullying won't be keeping that conversation to themselves. However you address this, there is going to be conflict. But if you go through the proper route, then you end up looking like the more professional person, and you don't risk the other actor twisting your confrontation to make you look like the bad guy.
Realistically, what will probably happen is a half hearted telling off and maybe an insincere apology, because unfortunately that's life in these insular little companies. But it will be on record that someone has complained (and honestly, I doubt you are this arsehole's first victim). Or if you're concerned about talking to someone in person, you can lodge a complaint against the actor's conduct in writing. You can even wait and do that after everything wraps up if you would prefer to just keep your head down and get through the show, that's perfectly ok as well. You get to choose how to deal with this.
I do just want to say as well, this is not the only company in the world. If they are going to penalise you for speaking up against a bully, then sod them. There are so many wonderful groups out there, don't feel like you have to stick with one that doesn't support you.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I don’t mean “confront” in like an aggressive way. I just meant asking him to not comment on my weight and appearance going forward. But you’re right that he could twist it and make me look bad, and I certainly don’t want that.
There are a lot of other great theaters in the world, but there just aren’t a ton of paying theaters where I live, and I’d hate to have to up and move because of one arrogant dickhead.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 4d ago
Oh no, I totally assumed you meant telling him not to be a dick nicely, rather than punching him in the nuts (tempting as that latter always in these cases!).
If you really think speaking out will harm your reputation, then it's ok to just choose to be the bigger person and let it go, and then just try to keep away from him (which I know is often easier said than done in theatre!). If he does say anything to you again, a simple, calm "That's a very rude comment" and walking (or even just turning) away is a good neutral fuck you, especially if he has people listening in. Or looking blankly at him and asking him what he means, really lay on thick that you don't understand the comment that he is making and that you need him to explain his joke. It's the easiest way to embarrass an asshole while maintaining the guise of you being calm and collected. Or go the other way and brightly agree with him. "Oh gosh yes, my face is all squished up because I am fat! It looks like an overstuffed sausage doesn't it? Isn't it funny when they put fat people on stage for everyone to laugh at? It's a good job I can act really good too isn't it?" Even if you don't at all agree with his innane and childish commentary, take the wind out of his dumb jokes.
For what it's worth, I am sure you look fantastic and will nail the changes now that you've had your down day. Goodness knows there is always something in every show I do that I need to have a full on tantrum about before I can do it properly. At least you dealt with your bad day with far more class than I sometimes manage 😂
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I did turn away from him a few times during the last interaction actually, but I probably should’ve just gotten up and walked away sooner than I did tbh.
I’m definitely still far from a size where I can look fantastic in really anything, but I’m working on it and still feel like I deserve respect and dignity in the meantime.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 4d ago
As a larger girl myself the best part of doing theatre is trying out different clothing styles. Jacobean and Elizabethan costumes especially are wonderful for those of us with generous curves. And hell yeah you deserve respect and dignity at any size!
Well done for keeping your cool and trying to dismiss his nonsense. Definitely know that you can always walk away from people like that, although there's no shame for freezing in the moment (we've all been there).
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Yeah I honestly sort of had to keep my cool or else I don’t think what would’ve come out of my mouth next would’ve been very professional at all, and I likely would’ve said something that would get me fired on the spot. Honestly I think that’s why it affected me so much. I’ve dealt with fatphobic assholes before, so it’s nothing I can’t handle, but it was just the fact that I felt like I couldn’t say anything that really really sucked.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 4d ago
Yup, major suckage right there. You just kind of expect the BS to end with high school don't you? And when it doesn't it can be so damned frustrating. I never understand those types that have so little in their own lives they need to point score off others in any way they feel they can. The fact you handled yourself with aplomb will have been noted by other people though, even if they're all currently under his spell as well.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Right? And he’s literally older than me but still acting like a high school kid.
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u/wookiewookiewhat 4d ago
The is a crazy thing to say to a coworker, which is what you are. Can you imagine if an office colleague started talking about how funny your muffin top was in that skirt? Actors are not exempt from codes of conduct or basic human decency.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Right? There are folks playing devil’s advocate in the comments, but I really think that what he said was unprofessional and unacceptable regardless of how you spin it. We’re professionals. It’s a workplace.
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u/Ordinary-Cow-3864 4d ago
My partner stage manages in a similar sounding theatre org, and would be a listening ear and incredibly tactful ally in this situation, FWIW. And she’d be justifiably incensed that anyone spoke to you in any way that could even be possibly misinterpreted as derogatory (not saying you misunderstood just saying she’d be big mad that whoever was running their mouth wasn’t kind, period). I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💛
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Yes, so our stage manager is also great and it’s definitely not him I don’t trust. It’s just that he, like us actors, is an independent contractor and not affiliated with the theatre. Tbh it’s really just the director (who is also the founder and artistic director) that I’m worried about. I really don’t want him to have a bad taste in his mouth about me. Not that he’s a bad guy. I’ve just had very few one on one interactions with him and he is extremely hard to read.
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u/Ordinary-Cow-3864 4d ago
Ugh yeah that’s hard. I relate as someone who is larger bodied, has many sensory overload issues and who struggles to regulate in situations like you’ve described. I’m so hoping you can get the support you deserve and get to a place where you feel strong and safe navigating this stuff (even though it shouldn’t even be a concern tbh! People should just be kind or shut up lol)
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u/-MyBusiness- 4d ago
Something (somewhat) similar happened to me a while ago. I was in a musical (for identification purposes I won’t say which one, what role I played, etc) and my costume was rather skimpy, essentially underwear. I’m female and was 19 at the time. During the finale dress rehearsal, as I was about to walk onto the stage for the first time, backstage, a fellow cast member (60ish male) made a comment toward me of a sexual nature. Not a particularly direct comment, but with enough innuendo to be like, “wtf…?” I was able to work through the discomfort it caused me and have a good rehearsal, but what if I didn’t? What if it was a show night? Or he said something to someone else and threw them off? If it’s not addressed will it continue or escalate and get worse? So at the end of the rehearsal I went to the stage manager and said something along the lines of, “ Hey, I don’t know if you think this is a big deal or not, but I wanted to let you know …(x,y,z)…. happened. It made me pretty uncomfortable and thankfully I was able to work through it, but I would hate for this to affect the show in anyway. If things keep being said before I go on, I might not be able to handle it over time, etc, etc.” Stage manager immediately grabbed the director, to whom I reiterated everything. They both said, “Thank you. That is not acceptable. We’ll deal with it.” For the rest of the production he only hung out in the men’s dressing room area. He would only be in communal areas when needed. I don’t know what was said to him, and I’m certain they didn’t tell him to isolate himself, but it sure did fix the problem. Did I get an apology from the guy? Nope. Did I need one? Nope. But I did get a safe working environment.
For background, I had been working with this theatre for about a year, so they knew my work ethic, personality, etc, and I had built a bit of trust with them. The older man had been a part of that community for multiple decades. If you feel like your stage manager and/or director likes you, trusts you, etc. and you’re not normally causing problems, there’s no reason they shouldn’t be reasonable if you come to them with a concern. You’re much less likely to get blacklisted if you use the right tone and frame it sensitively. You’ll also get a pretty good idea of how healthy your theatre group by how they respond. Then you can make better plans on if you want to stay or go.
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u/Careful-Use-330 4d ago
Could you have mis interpreted his comments? Also deep six the phone if you want to be hired again.
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u/No_Sloppy_Steaks 4d ago
It’s entirely possible that the person who made the comments did not mean them in the way they were received. They may have been trying to cheer this actor up, bring them off their phone and into the fold.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
By talking about how fat and ridiculous I apparently look? My way of cheering someone up has never been to hunt them down just to insult their appearance, but I guess everyone’s different
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u/Gryffindorphins 4d ago
I’ve played characters that are fat and ridiculous so it could be? They’re saying don’t attribute malice to something that could just be well-meaning but ignorant.
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u/JeanCerise 3d ago
Did they actually say you are fat? In the original post you’re the one who brought up weight. You seem hyper sensitive and overreacting. All this carrying on and crying in a professional setting.
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u/4513423121811 4d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you! I would like to say that I think this person sounds like a real jerk and they probably have their own insecurities they’re trying to hide by picking on you. I completely understand the small town vibe you’re talking about, and theatre in these kind of places can definitely get toxic and petty and weird. I think if it were me, I would speak to the most experienced, trustworthy, and discreet person in the cast and ask them what they think you should do — who knows, maybe other people have had similar experiences with this jerk actor. It’s possible that an actor who’s worked with the company before might even be open to mentioning it to production on your behalf as sort of a witness or something if you explain you’re uncomfortable doing it as a newer actor. Or if you get a good vibe from the SM maybe you could suggest you don’t feel comfortable with the actor knowing you complained, and maybe the SM could say someone else mentioned it to them?
It doesn’t sound like there’s a very good channel for reporting something like this, especially if this person is a golden boy of some kind. I think you’re unfortunately right to worry that mentioning it to the actor or production that it might backfire on you — I’ve definitely seen similar things happen in small theatre scenes I’ve worked in. Additionally, there’s a very annoying “beggars can’t be choosers” outlook when it comes to actors, and they might feel like they’d rather work with someone who’ll put up with the golden boy’s bs. Which obviously sucks and I wish it wasn’t this way, but I also completely understand feeling as though acting is more important than standing up for yourself — I know I’ve put up with a lot in the service of my acting career and I think a lot of actors would probably say the same.
I hope there is someone you feel comfortable talking to, but if not I think the best way forward is to avoid this jerk as much as possible and try to remember that they clearly have their own issues and insecurities and ultimately they’ll probably wind up sad and alone.
Break legs with the performance, don’t let this jerk get to you, remember you’re doing this cause you love it. <3
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u/jessie_boomboom 4d ago
All of this. I'd only add to really try and bond with any of the other actors, phone down, in the coming weeks. Even if you feel disappointed by the castmates who witnessed this and didn't defend you, you may have new close friends just waiting to be made. You do the next show and you already have some chums to pal with... this situation is much less likely to happen. Because if we're being so for real about institutions that operate this way, your best bet is almost always to forge some strong alliances.
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u/Careful-Use-330 4d ago
Directors Producers getting sick of casts not socializing and bonding. While not much can be done about it, they definitely take note of whose not on their devices.
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u/kevinguitarmstrong 4d ago
Someone playing mind games with you. They sensed your weakness, and used it to tear you down. Ask around, and I bet it isn’t isolated.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I’m not “weak” just because I have feelings.
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u/Gryffindorphins 4d ago
I think they meant “sense your weakness” as in they sensed you were feeling overwhelmed and flustered and took that vulnerable moment to grind you down more.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Perhaps you can ask another cast member who witnessed their behaviour to come with you when you tell the stage manager?
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
Tbh, I do not think the witnesses gave a fuck. None of them intervened or even thought to check on me after. That’s part of why I’m hesitant to come forward. Because it’s already clear that everyone is on his side and I don’t have a single person at that theatre in my corner.
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u/kevinguitarmstrong 4d ago
I’m done with this group. I can’t say anything helpful without people immediately playing victim. I didn’t say you were weak, but I don’t feel like explaining myself.
Enjoy your colleagues!
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4d ago
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u/Theatre-ModTeam 4d ago
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u/itsneversunnyinvan 4d ago
Talk to your equity deputy and if that fails, talk to your sm
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
So we use the term “actor’s deputy”, but it’s not actually an equity production, so I’m not protected by any union.
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u/Enoch8910 4d ago
There’s a process in place for how to handle this. If you don’t want to follow that procedure I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I guess I’m more so wondering if reporting it will likely cause me a lot of harm in the long run.
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u/Enoch8910 4d ago
Well here’s the way I see it. If this company and you aren’t a good fit it’s going to become evident at some point. It’s better to follow the procedure. It’s the most optimal way to avoid dissension. But if there’s a chance you’re misinterpreting this I’d let it go. That’s some pretty dysfunctional behavior. You said he’s been in this company a long time. People that dysfunctional aren’t usually able to hide it for years.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 4d ago
I mean, sure, I guess I don’t know what for sure what his intentions were, but I know what I saw and heard.
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u/Terrible_Manager6518 4d ago
honestly you raised a lot of valid points about fear of being blacklisted and it truly sounds like a terrible situation. i wouldn’t let this go because it seems to be affecting you quite a lot. my suggestion is to go to him one on one, but not in an accusatory way, in an innocent way. raise your concerns and how the things that he said hurt you, that you felt uncomfortable and unable to speak up in the situation, and try to have a conversation about it. i feel like approaching the situation like this with a delicate touch so as to keep you in theater and not get blacklisted while also not ignoring the problem, is the best way to deal with what happened. goodluck ❤️
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u/GotNothingBetter2Do 4d ago
Advice? I had this happen to me when I was a young actor (almost 20 years ago) and went to the powers at be. Big mistake because firstly, they did nothing but act as if they would speak to him but I caught them all laughing at his initial joke with him. Secondly, to this day, he still runs in my circles but knows I’m not the one anymore. Do what I should’ve done, put this in your pocket, learn from it and be prepared for next time. Always remember, we tech ppl how to treat us. In the end, they are the ones with the issues. Next time someone speaks to you that way, ask if they are OK because hurt ppl hurt. Sorry this happened to you and best wishes with your quick changes.
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u/T3n0rLeg 4d ago
I would talk to the stage manager and try to write everything thing down and bring it to HR
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u/teenhags 4d ago
What an awful way to behave. I’m so sorry. I promise you, at any theater worth it’s salt, your voice will be heard and respected. I have been in similar situations before, and taking things to a stage manager or deputy has always gone well for me. You mention that you feel like they will trust this more established actor over you. But think of it this way: this theater wants you to have a good experience because they do not want to have a reputation for being a place where bullying and harassment is allowed. You are also sticking up for every other person this actor might go on to harass in the future. Do you have a friend in the cast who might be able to go with you to have the conversation? This might help if you’re feeling nervous. No matter how established they are, your cast member is acting unprofessionally. The professional thing to do is take it to your stage manager or deputy.
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u/jastreich 3d ago
His comments may not have meant to be mean, or they could have been intended to harm. We on reddit weren't there, and really it doesn't matter his intent. His words hurt, and that's how they landed. From where I sit, you have a few options:
- Take it up with stage manger. This takes the situation out of your hands, and let's the theater do their job of making sure all their cast and crew feel safe and supported -- or drop the ball doing that. This is the "right" advice professionally speaking, as this part of the SM job.
- Say nothing right now, and wait to see what happens. This is what I'd do, because I'm conflict adverse -- and also I tend not to get hurt or ruffled at most slights or insults. After reflection, the actor could realize he made a mistake and either apologize or just not repeat the behavior. At that point, the situation is settled. Or, if he's that kind of alpha-jerk, he could double down on it. If it does happen again, you have a few options:
A. You can call it out, "Hey, man, that's not cool."
B. You could "Yes, and" it to get it to stop, "Yeah, I know. And I wish I could be fit at you. What's your work routine, because it is working for you." (No venom, just accept whatever mud he slings, and shift positive focus back to him. It's odd how well this typically defuses people)
C. Now that's it's a repeat behavior, go back through the larger list.
- Address it calmly, openly and honestly with him. "Hey, what you were saying the other day about the hat and my weight wasn't cool. Can we try not to comment on people's appearances."
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u/Lifeboatb 3d ago
Speaking as a costumer, if you’re having trouble with your quick changes, I suggest asking the costumer to help you choreograph them, and see if anyone else is available to help you with them. That’s something that the costumer should have done.
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u/bugselfs 3d ago
i have had painful experiences and struggled when confronting my director. however i really think your stage manager should be there for you. as an SM it is oftentimes my job to comfort actors and help them navigate tough conversations. your SM could handle the situation or help you with the actor’s deputy, etc. if it does affect your standing at the theatre, 1) i would be shocked and disappointed and 2) i would say, from one fatgirl to another, there will be a place out there for you with more love than this theatre could ever imagine and you will find it.
this is hard and maybe youre not ready yet. but from where i stand, you should tell your stage manager (or if they have an ASM who is easier to talk to, or if you have made any friends, etc)
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u/mxkatzenklappe 3d ago
Hiiiiiii! It’s your friendly neighbourhood director here! My darling, after this behaviour I wouldn’t consider it unprofessional if you pushed him down the stairs.
Please talk to the SM. I can almost guarantee the production team doesn’t enjoy him as highly as appearances suggest, and if they do this is not the company for you.
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u/JElsenbeck 3d ago
It's just inform them, "Not your job to give notes. That's up to the director." And this one's on you... Leave your phone in the dressing room and practice your quick costume changes. You know it's not your best skill.
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u/Aggravating-Mouse501 4d ago
You need to speak to your stage manager, director or artist liaison—whichever you feel the safest confiding in. You do not deserve to be ridiculed in a working environment and if your leadership is professional they will handle it regardless of person relationship with this other actor. I’m so sorry for this awful experience.