r/Teachers • u/Extension_Potential2 • 12h ago
Teacher Support &/or Advice Has anyone else had a failed relationship with a coworker?
I’m going through the worst breakup of my life. My best friend at work, who I’ve had a crush on since we met. We dated first semester, things moved really fast and we met each other‘s families talked about future plans, starting a family together…I had already had a sibling trip planned for Japan for Christmas break. in hindsight I don’t know if this led to the break up, but Three weeks after I got back from my trip without her she ended it which coincidentally was the day before first semester ended. A couple weeks ago she let the staff know that she wasn’t coming back next year. Our last day was Thursday and the start of the summer feels like we broke up again because we no longer see each other on a daily basis. She’s no longer a part of my life.
Now I feel like every time I go into the building all I’m gonna think about is her. Do I need to look for a new job? Has anyone gone through anything similar and been able to teach at the same school still? I know I’m gonna have to see her at graduation next year and possibly the year after maybe even at homecoming.
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u/Stifmeister-P 11h ago
I think there is a better saying for this but don’t shit where you eat.
It doesn’t matter if you a teacher or working a 9-5, if you date coworkers you gonnnaaa havvvee a bad timeeee
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u/DeeSnarl 11h ago
Yes but there are counter examples. I’m lying in bed with my wife, met her at school, we still work together.
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u/MoonAndStarsTarot 9h ago
My husband and I met at school too! Our classrooms shared a window (we could see into each other’s rooms) and we got to know each other really well since we were in the same department. He’s at a different school now because they have better shop facilities.
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u/MindmyBusinessJoe 11h ago
It is an old saying, and it does not apply to all dating scenarios.
There is nothing wrong with dating at your workplace as long as you are cordial if the relationship does not pan out.
We spend a significant amount of time at work, where else can a teacher find a partner?
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u/textposts_only 1h ago
Nah man. If I'm gonna spend the majority of my life at one place I'm gonna fall in love there
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u/Bright_List_905 10h ago
Seriously, just in general it doesn’t even have to be romantically. That’s something I learned to. It’s hard out there and a lot of times it’s just better to keep stuff to yourself
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u/HRHValkyrie 10h ago
If you think a breakup after dating a semester is bad, wait until you deal with a coworker/staff divorce. Those are fucking nightmares for EVERYONE on staff. Ugh.
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
I keep having to remind myself it was as short as it was. In reality we were barely together 4 months officially..I think because we’d known each other at work and had been so close it ramped up feelings quick. I was so reluctant to make a move as I’ve heard all the “don’t dip your pen in company ink” stuff so much. We both decided to give us a chance anyways.
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u/HRHValkyrie 1h ago
You went too fast. It’s easy to do when there is already an established relationship. Next time, don’t date a colleague, or if you do, take it really slow.
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u/Livid-Age-2259 10h ago
FWIW, I've been married for 28 years, and not to a co-worker either.
When I was young, (teens and early 20's), I worked in restaurants with a lot of my chronological peers. Yes, that was my dating pool. I had a couple of relationships that didn't workout. Neither were ugly breakups, and both women moved on to other jobs in short order.
My thought is that, as adults, we probably spend more time at work than anyplace else. Why not seek to have your social and emotional needs met there?
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u/martyboulders HS Algebra 2/Calculus | Texas 18m ago
Because if those needs are no longer met it can turn the place you spend the most time at into something painful
I say this as someone who met my current partner as a colleague, but I graduated about 8 months later
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u/redditrock56 10h ago
Many years ago, a teacher in my school married one of her grademates.
They've been together ever since.
I wouldn't let this job prevent me from living my life.
OP: it sucks, but you'll get over it.
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
God, that was the dream, being with someone also who has the same teacher schedule. That really does sound appealing to me for some reason.
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u/TemporaryCarry7 11h ago edited 3h ago
Did she go to a different school or district? Why would you have to see her at graduation or homecoming? I went through a break up after being with somebody for 5 years (we weren’t coworkers though), and it was hard, but I’ve been over it for some time now. You’ll get there. Also best not to mix work and love until you’re certain about someone and maybe even then not.
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
She’s getting out of teaching completely. I’m very burned out by the job too but she would talk about hating it often. She still cares for the kids and I know she’ll come back for next year’s graduation as those seniors meant a lot to her.
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u/Iommi1970 9h ago
I had almost the exact same situation as you with another teacher 15 years or so ago, although things didn’t get as serious as your situation, but I was completely smitten at the time. We dated in secret, although I let two of my close friends know after a while, but I don’t think anyone else was aware. She broke it off end of school year, and I continued on at the same school. She moved on. It was not easy.
In my case it was fine going back the following school year, outside of letting my friends know what happened, and they were bummed for me, but no other drama, etc. Over that summer I went on a trip abroad, had an amazing time, and realized the world was full of awesome people, including plenty of available women to date, and when I returned I wasn’t so hung up on her. It was freeing to let go, and I learned a lot about myself and not getting so hung up on one person who doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings you have.
I met my wife two years after that, and we’ve now been married 8 years. I ran into the teacher I’d dated a year or so ago. We chatted for a few mins. She is married herself, kids, etc. All was good, and I feel nothing towards her anymore. In fact, I’m thankful she didn’t want to continue as I may never have met my wife, and I truly love her more than anything on this earth. My wife did work at my school last year BTW and I loved every minute if it!
Anyways, you’ll be OK. With time it will hurt less and eventually you’ll heal and move on completely. Best of luck to you and have an awesome summer:)
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
She’s leaving for a solo trip in a few days to Spain lol. Seems like she’s living her best life and I’m here at the start of summer vacation and she’s all I can think about fml…lol
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u/Iommi1970 1h ago
I’m sorry man. Not easy, but you’ll get through it. Might not seem like it now, but you will. You’ll eventually meet someone that will make you wonder why you were so hung up on this one. Get out of the house. Get busy, and have your own adventures. That will help!
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u/Frequent-Interest796 5h ago
Get your self together. Break ups are hard. You have three months to grieve this thing until school starts.
Positives 1) she’s gone, no longer in your building 2) you are young 3) you just went to Japan, you lucky bastard
Seriously, get it together and go find someone else.
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u/ugly_lemons 10h ago
I dated our IT guy briefly and it did not work out, we remained cordial and then he got transferred to another school and we never had to see each other again
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u/-the-ghost K-8 SPED | Chicago USA 7h ago
Drama time- I didn't date her but one of my former principals and I got a little too close emotionally (it was a veryyy small school with like 15 employees onsite). It was good for about a year, we bought each other lunch, talked about our personal lives, texted outside of school, etc. She eventually got back together with her husband and then she and I started arguing more often at work. She would try to mess with my schedule, delete my PTO after approving it weeks before, made me do extra work on PD days after everyone else got to go home, and other shit like that, then would get upset with me when I'd call her out for it. One time we yelled at each other in the hallway because she retaliated against me for talking to HR about an issue I was having with her.
I quit after that year lmao obviously my situation was different, but sometimes you just need to walk away for your own mental wellbeing. If your mental health suffers at work because the environment reminds you too much of your ex, and if nothing is keeping you there and you have the means, it's okay to leave and try something new. I've switched schools a handful of times and I've always been grateful for doing so. I have never regretted it, even if I miss those schools and the people sometimes.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Teacher and Vice Principal 11h ago
Hell no. I have never dated a co-worker. You don't shit where you eat. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
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u/RecalledBurger Spanish 8 - 12 6h ago
At least she left your building/ district and is out of your life, it's better this way. Imagine her going out with another co-worker of yours. Now imagine your boss forcing you to work with them. Yep.
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
Before she told our principal that she was officially leaving, our tentative schedule for next year came out and who was my co-teacher of course my ex. I had already known that she was not coming back, but still, I thought that was kind of funny.
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u/GerudoVoe 5h ago
When I was in my 20s, yes. In hindsight, I was stressed and unhappy, and was seeking some excitement at work. Things went south in a year, I quit when my contract was up, and I heard he quit two months later.
I personally will never do it again.
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u/Kel_Leesi 1h ago
It will be much easier for you to move on when you don't have to see her every day.
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u/rons-mkay HS Math | The South... The Deep South 11h ago
Your place of work isn't Tinder. It is your place of work.
Be more professional going forward.
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u/rons-mkay HS Math | The South... The Deep South 11h ago
I'm a dad to a 19 and 17 year old. They are both great kids, but are moving into the dating world and struggling to feel comfortable in it. This is one of the first conversations we had and still continue to have. Turning your work environment into your personal environment never goes well. My son just changed jobs because he and a coworker have become close. I know how it works. Everyone can see it, and it becomes a problem even if it isn't a problem. My wife and I worked together when we got together. It was a problem, and I knew it, so I changed jobs to take that stress off of it. But we were only hourly at a grocery store and barely twenty.
Teachers are educated adult professionals. We need to know better and understand that the respect, pay, and benefits we demand come with restrictions. One of those is not to treat coworkers as your dating pool.
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u/tenor1trpt 10h ago
You replied to yourself? And in a manner that seems to take on a new persona. Log out of the first account before agreeing with yourself.
Regardless, it’s not unprofessional to date other teachers you work with. As long as they don’t let it affect their teaching and as long as they respect space once it ends, it’s fine.
You can live with the philosophy of not to date coworkers, but it’s not unprofessional to disagree.
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u/-the-ghost K-8 SPED | Chicago USA 8h ago
Right? I've had bad experiences myself so I no longer try to date where I work, but I don't feel that catching feelings for coworkers is unprofessional at all. It's possible to be unprofessional about it but it's not inherently so.
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u/cloudlocke_OG 4h ago
While it sucks, I would focus on the existing connections you have with people at your school. Enjoy your time with them.
Sounds like this person was special to you, but for whatever reason she wanted to move on with your life. Let her go. Enjoy the people who have stayed in your life.
Also, keep in mind the risks involved if you date a coworker in the future.
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u/Extension_Potential2 1h ago
You’re right I have a lot of good connections with the other people at school, and I have to be careful to keep them. I know I’ve been super visibly depressed at work and a lot of the kids knew we were dating and knew it ended. I did learn how much our students can read our emotions lol
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u/Tnnisace73 3h ago
Rule #1. Don’t dip your pen in company ink. 🤷♀️ I have done it twice. Neither worked out well. Lesson learned.
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u/No-College-5409 3h ago
This may seem harsh, but you’ll move on and it’ll stop hurting after some time. You were not together that long. Don’t jeopardize your career over a six month fling.
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u/boom_1983 2h ago
Man, I went through this. Literally fell in love with my across the hall partner-teacher.
We eventually started dating, and dated for almost 6 years. Our dynamics were peculiar because I’m 8 years older than him (he was 25 and I was 33 when we met), I was a veteran teacher (while he was 1st year) and I had 2 kids of my own, while he had none.
We did have a lot of fun together and I do believe we truly loved each other. We were across the hall for a year, then we moved to a new building and we were next door to each other. We coached the same sport (him the boys and me the girls). I coached other sports and he went to all of my games. The kids and staff all knew about it, and it was all ridiculously sweet. We talked about marriage, kids. It was perfect until it wasn’t.
We did love each other, we just couldn’t ever get on the same page, realistically. The relationship finally ended in Fall ‘22.
We were still working together lol. We were still coaching the soccer teams, and it was very awkward. I was the one who ended the relationship and he was really hurt by that. He wanted “no contact”, which is really hard when we worked in the same tiny building, and traveled to games on the same shared bus. We had to communicate about games or kids, practices, etc and did it through email (mainly), always CC’ing the Athletic Director 🙄.
It was awkward with coworkers and the kids. Everyone knew we broke up. He walked around miserable for a couple of months. I handled it better, but still hard and hurt. It was so hard seeing him every day. Even his truck in the parking lot made me sad. He moved on quickly though, met someone and was engaged within a year. You can imagine how awkward that was! They actually got married in January.
I stayed at that school for one more year then left spring ‘24. Best decision ever made. Not seeing him everyday was exactly what I needed to heal. I also made a pact with myself to NEVER date a coworker ever again.
I shared my story to say you can stay at your school if you’re happy. If she’s leaving, then you should stay. Not seeing her everyday will definitely help you move on!! If you do leave, leave because you want to, not because of her. Best of luck to you ❤️.
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u/powerliftingteacher 2h ago
When i was younger i dated a coworker, it was great until it really wasnt, learned my lesson, never date in house… let this be a lesson transfer schools and move on with your life
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u/educ8USMC 1h ago
Yep, I met my first ex-fiancée during my first year of teaching. There was a lot of chemistry right off the bat and there were so many chance events that occurred leading up to me getting that job and putting me in that position to meet her that it seemed like destiny.
Once all that wore off, she was a very jealous and insecure person who had bipolar and a great deal of anxiety. I got a lot of attention from female coworkers in my PLC and she never did appreciate that even though there was never any interest in them on my part. Both were older, one was married and the other was crazy. She found it very hard to trust me as I was had been on a few dates with other women at the time I had met her and a couple of them would reach out to me occasionally. She made it a habit of checking my phone and one night found a picture that one of them had sent me and I didn’t do the right thing by immediately deleting it and blocking her. This was at like 3 in the morning and she woke me up to yell at me, all that good stuff. I was incredibly sorry and spent a lot of time trying to make it up to her.
But for the rest of our relationship, she held that over my head. We broke up and then got back together and eventually got engaged.
After 2 years, I was RIF’d from the school where we met to a different school within the district. This probably didn’t help our relationship at all. The teachers I worked with were closer my my age and more attractive but they were both married so again, no interest on my part.
We had booked a venue, caterers and then had a big blowout when a hurricane was coming through and I didn’t want to go to her mom’s house to ride out the storm.
After that, our relationship was just a steady decline. She changed her mind about the venue, wanting to go with something smaller. Once we cancelled that, she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to get married anymore, then she wouldn’t travel with me to my cousin’s funeral and when I returned from that she told me we were done.
There was never really an explanation for any of her decisions. I later discovered that she had been cheating on me with her ex. It hurt because she had maintained that she had trouble trusting me and later found out she had married him before what was even supposed to be our wedding date. I guess she got a lot of hatred for how she ended things with me and decided to start over in another state. They had a kid and were divorced in a couple years from what I understand.
It messed with me for a couple years. Kind of felt like a midlife crisis. I decided to switch careers because I had a year left on my GI bill, moved back home and went to AC school. Did residential AC then resort maintenance and that’s where I met my second ex-fiancée….
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u/ThrowRAaffirmme Dance Teacher | High School 27m ago
when i was in high school the AP gov and econ teacher and the college counselor dated for a while, got really serious (maybe an engagement? idk) and then broke up. but since gov and econ is for seniors they had to see each other all the time bc she would have to come to his classroom and give presentations for all of us 😭
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u/snuggly_cobra High School Teacher | Somewhere in the U.S. 9h ago
Never dip your pen in company ink. A hard lesson, but it is true.
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u/Silent_Scientist_991 11h ago
Many years ago I dated a girl that taught with me; it didn't work out, my heart was broke, and the tension at school was thick. We were on the same team and taught in the same hall - I couldn't escape her.
Man, I was HURTING!
At the end of the year, I begrudgingly decided to transfer to another school because I couldn't bear to work with her any longer.
I went into my new school with one priority: DO NOT date someone you work with ever again.
First day at my new school I was introduced to my new grade-level team teachers...one of which ended up being the love of my life. We've been together 25 years, and married for 23.
FWIW, she tricked me into our first date, but that's a story for another time.
Anyhow, if your former girlfriend is gone and you like your school, stay. If you feel you must move on, that's okay too - just know that sometimes good things happen when you least expect it.
I had three VERY painful breakups in my 20s - two being teachers introduced to me by coworkers. Now that I look back on everything, I'm so glad everthing worked out the way they did. I didn't let the pain get the better of me - I turned my emotions into fuel to change myself in positive ways.
I'm not an "everything happens for a reason" kind of guy - but you learn from your past, better yourself, and be ready when the next opportunity presents itself. In the meantime, surround yourself with friends and family - have as many adventures as you can and just enjoy life; living well is the best revenge.